So, I am going to try and remain unbiased for this recap of the American Horror Story: Coven finale, entitled “The Seven Wonders”, but I am not going to lie: it’s going to be tough. Actually, fuck it. I didn’t like it. There is no way I’m going to be able to hide it throughout the recap, so I just might as well throw that out there right now, because it goes along with my theory that Ryan Murphy, the creator of AHS as well as Nip/Tuck, doesn’t know how to end something. I don’t know if he is like this on Glee, either. Anyway, let’s go before I throw my laptop out of the window.
-Stevie Nicks wanders on screen and starts lip-syncing something about the seven wonders. Right then, I knew fuckery was on the horizon. I get the obsession with her in regards to Misty and her episode was good, but there was no need for this. Stevie warbling around the house was the backdrop for the girls as they practiced their powers ahead of the competition. They must have paid a LOT for Stevie and had to fit her in somewhere. Shit was like the “Name Game” fiasco from Asylum, which made me skip out on the final episodes until just prior to the premiere of Coven.
-The girls sit down to their last supper, which is, yes, exactly what it looks like, except they are eating champagne and cavier instead of whatever Jesus and his crew were eating (unless Jesus was ballin’ and ate that stuff too). Then, on to the competition. Literally, this was all that happened, outside of Delia reminding them all that Fiona was an awful Supreme and tried to kill her potential replacement (Madison).
-They all perform telekinesis by moving a candle, then they move on to mind control. This wasn’t so bad, actually. Misty makes Queenie slap herself, while Queenie retaliates by making Misty her own hair. But Madison vs. Zoe was the main event. Madison makes Kyle drop a tray of drinks and kisses him all in the mouth, then he licked her boot. Zoe puts a stop to that and starts to kiss him, but didn’t she see the boot licking? Madison makes Kyle start to choke Zoe and Delia flings him up against the wall. Poor Kyle. NO ONE has gotten it worse than him this season, although he did get to have a creepy threesome.
-Next, the girls descend into the afterlife, but they have to come back to prove their powers. Queenie’s hell is being stuck at the chicken place she worked at. Madison comes back after being on a network musical and AHS throws a shot at The Sound Of Music Live!, although I would bet my ass that he would KILL to do that show. Bruh……YOU CREATED GLEE! That shit better been an ironic twist you wanted to throw in there. Fuck outta here with that nonsense. Anyway, Zoe’s hell was constantly breaking up with Kyle, and Misty’s hell went back to high school, where she was forced to dissect a frog, but she kept bringing it back to life. That kept looping and looping, and she never came back. I almost turned it off after that because I love me some Misty, but alas, I soldiered on.
-The next competition is transmutation, which the girls turn into a game of tag and this might be the first time all season we have seen them NOT hate each other, especially Madison. Lowkey, the best part of this sequence is a still where Zoe and Queenie appeared in the dining room, but you see Kyle sitting on a couch in the forefront with the dumbest look on his face. That dude is a comedic BEAST without even trying. But it goes awry as Zoe ends up impaled on a fence, which sets up the next test as Queenie and Madison are asked to bring her back. Queenie fails, so she is out. Delia tells Madison to do it, to which Madison responds by killing a fly and bringing it back to life, but Delia is not having it. Myrtle tries to make Madison feel bad and says she doesn’t deserve it, but I don’t know what Myrtle has been watching, Madison doesn’t feel bad about anything and says, “what does deserve have to do with any of this?”. She has a point. Life isn’t really about what you deserve at all. I feel I deserve to have a three-way marriage with Alyssa Milano and Beyonce, but hey, that’s not happening, is it?
-While Myrtle and Delia ware talking about what to do next, Kyle is with Zoe’s dead body and the snot is flowing. It does the stretch-hang, which makes me think he could very well be the next Supreme. The elasticity on that joint was AMAZING. I don’t know how that didn’t end up on Zoe.
-Myrtle throws out to Delia, that SHE could be the next Supreme and she brings up an interesting point: how in the hell could no one think that Delia could be the next one? I was wondering if she was going to take part. Shit, her mother was the last one. Anyway, Delia runs through the competitions that the girl did, and I could hear the music from the “Rocky” montage behind that shit. When Delia takes those glasses off? OOOOOOOOOOOOOH BUDDY. Madison is gon’ get it now, boy. Hit her with that Dave Chappelle slo-mo smush. She starts fires, picks up pianos and makes Queenie start to exercise (shoutout to the homegirl Mya for “queenercising”). She goes to the afterlife and realizes her hell is trying to get Fiona’s approval, only to receive a bitchslap. The theme of mothers not being shit in Coven has been incredible to watch.
-The next trick is to find items from former Supremes that are hidden in the coven, and you can tell this by looking into pebbles. Delia gets hers, while Madison is struggling and even tries to offer to bring Zoe back. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP….you had your chance, bitch. She throws quite the fit that was kind of funny on the second viewing, and basically exposes her for what she is: an arrogant, spoiled yamp. She stomps upstairs to pack her things, and runs into Kyle, who isn’t happy about losing Zoe and proceeds to choke THEEEEEEEEEE SHIT out of Madison. The first thing I thought was, okay, so Madison couldn’t do that final trick. But she can still start fires and do transmutation and whatnot…she never thought to use any of that when she was getting Undertaker’d? Anyway, I may have hit that Tiger Woods fist pump.
-While this was going on, Delia was bringing Zoe back to life in the greenhouse. Since she has proven that she has the stuff to be the Supreme, Delia gets her eyes back and this might have been my favorite part of the episode. Sarah Paulson has been a monster this season and when she is all done up, she has that thing about her, a look of power and sexiness that Fiona (YUP, don’t care how old Jessica Lange is) had.
-And then creepy ass Spalding pops out out of nowhere to help bury Madison, apparently. Not really sure what this had to do with anything.
-Delia goes on TV and tries to do some damage control to the public about witchcraft, which leads to a slew of applications to the coven and it appears that they’re back. However, Myrtle puts forth that Delia has to kill her for killing her cohorts on the council….remember how Delia got her eyes? Yeah, that. And no word of a lie, I hit that “AGAIN?” at the same time Delia did when talking about Myrtle being burned at the stake for the second time. Obviously, Delia doesn’t want to do it because Myrtle has been more of a mother to her than Fiona ever was.
-One, of course there would be a Stevie Nicks song playing on Myrtle’s walk to the stake. Of friggin’ course.
-Two, they ain’t even let Myrtle take her theremin to play a tune? Boooooooooooooooo.
-There is a line around the coven and Delia tells Zoe and Queenie that she wants them to be her right-hand witches. But first, she has to take care of something, and that something, not surprisingly, is Fiona because, well, did you really think she wasn’t going to come back for the finale? Yeah, we all saw her die and that’s what Delia says, but Fiona still had some power and had planted the image of her death in the Axeman’s mind, which Delia had read and thought to be true (where did she get all that goat’s blood?). So instead, we get Fiona, damn near death with her falling to the point that I thought it was Spalding at first. They have a moment where Fiona tells Delia that she saw her own death every time she looked at her daughter, while Delia says Fiona was the monster in every one of her closets. GO MOTHERHOOD!
-Fiona wants Delia to kill her, but Delia says she has to go through the process of dying alone. Fiona was never going to do anything with that pocketknife, and neither was Delia. Fiona ends up in her personal hell, which is apparently with the Axeman on a farm just like he said, where he brings catfish for her to cook (hahahaha Fiona ain’t having that at all). She also isn’t a fan of knotty pine. Honestly, when she woke up, I thought she was going to be one of Spalding’s dollhouses, that would maybe explain why he showed up early. Instead, while she is going off about being stuck in this house, she sees ol’ Cokey McSnifferson himself, Papa Legba, laughing at her.
-The show ends with Delia flanked by Zoe and Queenie and a house full of new witches, and we have a new era in the coven. Smiling Delia is pretty.
So, that was that. The first thing I thought when the finale ended was, “for Christ’s sakes, AGAIN?”. For me, the writers have never been able to wrap up American Horror Story like I wanted it to, and hey, there may be some people out there that disagree with me to which I say, that’s all you. This wasn’t as bad as Murder House and it DEFINITELY was better than Asylum, and to be honest, I don’t even know what I was expecting. But I expected better than this. They didn’t really explain the whole “Marie dying through Madame L” thing that I’m reading about right now, so maybe I missed the hell out of that (and I watched the shit twice), but they didn’t even refer to them in the finale at all. Spalding showed up for literally no reason at all other than to be a creep.
I never finished Nip/Tuck, Murphy’s first big series, because I watched the premiere of the first season, was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP and figured it would end badly, which it did according to everyone I have spoken to (although I am going to go back and watch it at some point…..maybe). As I have said many times before, none of the three AHS series have ended properly. Murphy and his teams are great at building the foundation and then bringing you to a peak….and then they start throwing paint on the walls with no discretion and you end up wondering, what the hell was that? Which is a shame, because the acting on this show is ALWAYS fantastic and the direction is pretty good as well, but the writing? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
But overall, I’m not going to say that Coven was a bad series. It was the best of the three so far, and the additions of Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates (who will both be back next season) were excellent. But for me, the series probably could have ended after the 11th episode, “Protect The Coven”. So, from now on, I’ll just watch the first 10 or 11 episodes of American Horror Story and make up my own ending. It just seems like they go HARD for the first 80-90% of the series, and then bail out at the end. They go down the rapids and everything is good, and then they see the waterfall and jump for the closest bit of land.
And even though I basically spent over 2100 words shitting on the finale, I will be back for the next season of AHS, because Angela Bassett, Sarah Paulson and Jessica Lange with reportedly a German accent. Thanks for rockin’ with me in the Coven,