American Horror Story: Coven S03E11 – Protect The Coven

I kind of figured from the title of American Horror Story: Coven‘s latest episode, “Protect The Coven”, that shit was going to get a little real. Knowing these characters, it likely isn’t going to go smoothly either. But I don’t think any of us were prepared for that. Straight into it, let’s goooooooooooooooooooo…

-We start off in 1830 New Orleans and we see where Madame L gets her taste for blood by chopping the head off a chicken. Her daughter was being awful lippy, basically daring her to do it. Then she moves on to an injured slave, and essentially bleeds him out. So now, I’m wondering if she is interested at all in biology, or if she is just fucking nuts. Right now, I am leaning towards the latter.

-Next, we have Nan’s “funeral” (and those quotes are because I think she’ll be back), and a lot goes on here. Fiona tells the girls Nan slipped in the tub and you get the feeling no one believes that. Delia wants Misty to come back, but Madison says she is probably en route back to the Everglades, and no one should believe that at all. Queenie rolls up on the scene with a leashed Madame L, who spits on Marie and gets slapped for it. Queenie put Madame L’s head on her body, and how in the hell did she come back from a bullet in the mouth? We’ll get to that.

-Hank’s father figures out that it was the witches that caused the FBI to run up in his spot, and wants to set up a meeting to negotiate, presumably a truce. Yeah. That’ll end well for everyone.

-Madame L starts telling us her life story, how she was born to rich people in New Orleans. Now, she is doing Fiona’s nails and freshening up Marie’s drink, wandering in on Zoe, FrankenKyle and Madison sleeping after what I can only assume is the world’s creepiest threesome, and then pointing out to Madison didn’t, um, flush. That’s just gross. Madison gives -74 fucks about anything, but not flushing your shit? What is wrong with this girl?

-So because of Madison, now everyone is sitting down to shit pudding. They all seem to love it, though. Myrtle was partyin’ off that joint. She continues through the house, Marie is going on about “finishing what she started”, and I’m not sure if she is talking about Madame L or the baby she stole last episode, but I’m sure it is sinister. Fiona gives her vajeene a spray before heading out to see the Axeman. I laughed. Don’t care. That shit was good. That seems like something Jessica Lange would just ad-lib.

-Line of the episode: “In the fall, the rotten leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate” – Myrtle….how in the hell do you come up with that?

-But an man walks into the house after hurting himself tending to their leaves, and his hand is bloody. Madame L sees that and you know where the hell this is going. He ends up being tied up in Spalding’s old room and we hear Madame L say that she had a curiousity about how “her niggers ticked”. So I guess to answer my early question, she is both: an insane biologist. Anyway, after telling ol’ boy her story, she cuts his toes off.

-Zoe figures out that it was Marie and Fiona that killed Nan, but she continues to be useless. Madison throws some headphones on FrankenKyle so she can talk to Zoe, and then tries to give Kyle a beej, but he throws her away and goes to Zoe. Ummmmm, so this mufucka is saying full sentences now? When did that happen? Son could barely say “hi” last time we saw him. Stupid. Anyway, Madison throws out a whole bunch of threats for when she is the Supreme and while she is probably the best equipped for the job, she can’t stop being a bitch long enough to see the big picture. She is a wicked bitch, though.

-The Axeman back! He wants to take Fiona away from all this, but first he wants to kill whoever the next Supreme is. She has other ideas, though.

-Spalding shows up as Madame L is completing the gutting of her experiment. He is bitter that Fiona teamed up with Marie, the sworn enemy of the coven, and tries to concoct his own plan to concoct the coven.

-Delia tries to have a heart-to-heart with Queenie, in which she learns that Queenie spit up the silver bullet that Hank shot her with. Queenie is like, “y’all have fun with all this, I’m fuckin’ out” and packs up her shit to leave. Which is how I feel most black people would be in her position, kinda like the whole ghosts-in-houses thing.

-And then, we get, for my money, the most fucked-up thing we have ever seen in American Horror Story: Delia stabs herself in the eyes with a pair of scissors. Like, one eye, and then the other. While screaming. Shit was blood-curdling. Delia is the only half-decent character in Coven, and she is just getting worked. Meanwhile, Fiona races home to find out what happened, but after Myrtle chastises her, she just wants a drink. Mother of the friggin’ year.

-Actually, after speaking with Holly, the mom-masterbating was probably more disturbing. But this is going in the top five. I actually tweeted that it was the most fucked up thing we have seen in AHS and someone else was like, “this is what we say 5 times each week”. He isn’t wrong. Shoutout to the homie Dexter Goad (@ShadowDogProd).

-Madame L comes back to Spalding with a priceless doll….and some Benadryl. Right. Benadryl will kill Marie. This was slightly eye-roll inducing. But hey, he got his doll.

-Myrtle and Zoe meet in the greenhouse, and Myrtle continues to play that damn instrument. She is a fuckin’ mess, and I appreciate that. She tells Zoe to leave the coven with Kyle and go to Epcot. Frances Conroy has been stylin’ off the Myrtle part this season.

-Fiona and Marie meet with the Corporation and lets them know that they are immortal, so no sense in pulling guns. Then Fiona orders drinks and we notice that we don’t see the waiter’s face. Marie throws out a “Listen, you white devil….”, which I kinda partied off for a minute. Hank’s father wants them to restore the company, and he wants a 100-year truce. Fiona wants a house and Marie wants a private jet. The fellas at the Corporation laugh, but they aren’t laughing when the waiter/Axeman gets to choppin’. I don’t know what the black right-hand-man was doing. Did he really run at the Axeman with a butter knife? The fuck?

-Hank’s father sits down with a cup of tea before he gets an axe in his neck, courtesy of Fiona, if you didn’t know she was about that life in the first place. Marie takes a picture and that shit likely ended up on Instagram.

-Marie and Fiona are celebrating, then Fiona leaves to “reward” the Axeman, and Madame L sets into motion, her brilliant plan: drug Marie with Benadryl. Guess what doesn’t work? So Madame L doubles down and stabs Marie in the chest. Again, guess what doesn’t work? SHE IS FUCKING IMMORTAL! But then Spalding hits Marie in the head as she starts to chase Madame L, and tells her to bury Marie before he goes up to the attic to play dress-up. Then we see he has the baby in his possession and I absolutely don’t like where the fuck this is going. Is he going to kill the baby? Is he going to diddle it? I am honestly afraid of where American Horror Story is going to go with this.

-Kyle starts catching feelings, and I give -943 fucks about him, his life and Zoe. At all. AND HOW IN THE FUCK IS HE TALKING NOW? Fuck him and this storyline. The show ends with them getting on a bus going to Epcot. He died on a bus. That’ll come back ’round.

For me, this was the best episode of the season for Coven, outside of Zoe and Kyle, who I am sure will play a huge role in the end, so I have to try and care. But what about Misty? Will Fiona and the Axeman make it to their farm life? What are Madame L and Spalding going to do with Marie? Will Madison ever stop being a bitch? Lots of questions for the final two episodes of American Horror Story: Coven.

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