Well, we’re almost at the end of American Horror Story: Coven, and I’m pretty sure they are going to do a good job next week. My opinions on how the end of the first two series have been executed have been documented (but in case you didn’t know, they haven’t been the best), but after “Go To Hell”, I’m confident going into the season finale. What I am not confident about is the identity of the next Supreme. But anyway, let’s gooooooooooo……
-We get a silent-film montage explaining the Seven Wonders: mind control, setting shit on fire, bringing stuff back to life, etc….ass the stuff we’ve seen the witches do this season. They were explained to us as Fiona was explaining them to Queenie, her pick for the next Supreme. I don’t know if Fiona was was guessing this, or this is who she wanted, but there has to be a better way of trying to convince Queenie by trying to strangle her with her mind.
-Queenie still isn’t having it, though, and she is also curious to know what happened to Marie. So she gets her Decension on, which means sending your soul into the afterlife, but having the ability to come back. She discovered that her version of hell was her old job at the chicken spot, where Papa Legba shows her what happened to Marie: she was chopped into pieces by Madame L. That was something I didn’t see coming. I also wouldn’t guess that Papa Legba liked so many damn marshmellows in his hot chocolate. He looks like the type to just shake his drugs into the beverage. He also tells Queenie that Madame L can’t die as long as Marie was alive. This is all very confusing. I think this is all included in what Queenie’s idea of hell is.
-So Queenie hunts down Madame L, now looking modern (as modern as she can), at her old house, where she is the tour guide and can change the narrative about her old life. Coven has done this a couple times this season, because just when you have a little compassion for her, she does some fucked-up shit. Knocking the old tour guide upside her head and keeping her caged up, for one (she kind of deserved it, though, if that woman couldn’t see what was coming). Queenie stabs her in the chest because, guess what, sometimes people ain’t shit and there isn’t anything you can do about it, not even if you make them watch Roots.
-The way they shot this scene was excellent, and Madame L was right, as messed up as it seems. She said that she wasn’t going to apologize because she wasn’t sorry, and it was cut with real “apologies” from public figures: Paula Deen, Anthony Weiner, etc….these people weren’t sorry for what they did, they’re sorry for getting caught. So what is the point of the apology? It’s a dog-and-pony show. And we buy it.
-Fuck Paula Deen. That is all.
-Back at the coven, a lot is going on. Delia suspects something went down with Misty and Madison, who shows she can teleport around the room, so she thinks she is the next Supreme. Fiona is coming to grips with her impending death, getting her portrait done (while suffering a nose bleed), but while she is putting a necklace on Fiona, she sees that her mother is planning to kill EVERYONE. At least burning out her own eyes wasn’t for nothing. She also sees that Fiona is planning to skip out on the Axeman and tries to warn him…how do you think that will turn out?
-Zoe and Kyle return to the coven. They apparently didn’t make it to Epcot because Kyle killed a hobo, and Zoe had to bring him back, which made her think she was the next Supreme, which will make me furious. But that was just a precursor….
-Because Delia gets a vision from the shawl Stevie Nicks had given Misty, and sees that Misty is locked in the grave that Madison put her in. Misty is singing what I can only assume was a Stevie song. Delia takes Queenie to the grave and Queenie uses her powers to break bricks, AND bring Misty back to life. Queenie has to be the betting favorite for the Supreme, right?
-One lesson I have learned from Coven: white women love Stevie Nicks.
-Misty saunters up in the coven and starts beating the holy hell out of Madison, and yep, I was partyin’. She grabbed her by the throat like she was the Undertaker and shit. I figured this would happen, but it was even better to see. I’ve been waiting for this all damn season. But just when it seemed like Misty was about to chokeslam “Hollywood” to hell, Kyle breaks them up and the Axeman enters, coated in blood.
-While Madison is a bit of a, um…sorry, cunt is the best word I can come up with, she had the line of the episode. The Axeman walks up on vengeance shit and she says, “Man, did you ever walk into the wrong house”. All the witches put their hands up and dude flew across the room. Delia gets a vision of her dead mother.
-We cut to the meeting between the Axeman and Fiona and needless to say, he wasn’t happy about her plan to leave him. He finds the boarding pass in her purse, and then Fiona basically spills her entire plan: kill everyone who could be the next Supreme and earn 30 more years of life. Shit is like an evil Super Mario Bros. game. She did manage to get a drink before the Axeman axed her to death and, as we find out, fed her to alligators. That five-minute scene was probably Jessica Lange’s best work in a season full of contenders.
-Myrtle wants to keep him alive because, let’s face it, she never liked Fiona’s ass in the first place. But she is outnumbered and at first, it looked like Kyle was going to do it. But all of the witches grab knives and start stabbing the bejesus out of the Axeman, It looked like a Tarantino movie; cartoonishly bloody. What else would you expect from American Horror Story?
-The final segment begins in Madame L’s torture chamber, where she has been locked up by Marie and I assume this is back in the day because Madame L’s daughter is there as well. Marie has torturing the daughters, sewing their mouths closed and the branding iron she has is going to go either down a daughter’s throat or “up her backside” (because we’re all about keeping it PG in these AHS streets). Then Marie has some sort of epiphany and says she didn’t want to do this, but Papa Legba shows up and explains that they were actually in hell. She was there for all the babies she had sacrificed to him, and there was really no way of escaping. So then the branding of Madame L’s daughter begins and I can only assume it isn’t pretty.
-God, that painting of Fiona is terrible. I mean, I couldn’t do better. But still, that shit was trash.
-Delia sets up the Supreme Olympics with Madison, Queenie, Misty and Zoe. She said everyone would participate; does that mean herself and Myrtle as well?
-The Seven Wonders is the task, but I’d kinda like to see them running suicide drills and hitting the heavy bag. They better be in the DVD extras.
So, that was that. I’m sure Fiona will be back, and Nan will probably be back too, because as we have established, no one really dies on American Horror Story: Coven. Now watch, the Supreme ends up being Kyle or some shit.
My bet is on Zoe, because it’ll make me mad.