Game Of Thrones is back in the house. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, food tastes better. TV’s best show came back with a vengeance with “Two Swords”, and it was just wonderful. But before we get on it, I just gotta say, shoutout to the Entertainment Weekly recap, along with the Instant Cast done by the boys at Bald Move. I needed a little help with names and stuff. They’re great.
Oh, and one more thing: I’ve read the first three books of the series, which go up to the end of this season. But I won’t be talking bout the books at all because I have a horrible memory, so I will never pull out some spoiler fuckery. That isn’t how I roll.
-“Two Swords” opens with Tywin Lannister being insanely menacing, and he enlists a blacksmith to melt down a sword into two smaller swords. I thought I recognized this giant sword from somewhere, and yep, it was Ned Stark’s, who obviously wouldn’t be needing it anymore. He also throws a fur on the fire, and I’m going to guess that is Robb’s after what happened at the Red Wedding, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the sword, named “Ice”, is being made into two, one for the returned Kingslayer, Jaime, and one for King Joffrey.
-Tywin tries to give Jamie the sword, but there is a catch: Jaime has to go to Casterly Rock and run that. Jaime is like, “Nah, that’s not for me”. He thinks two things: one, he still belongs in the Kingsguard and two, Tywin was giving him an option, when it really was an order. Tywin was like, “Word? Well, looks like you’re not a Lannister anymore”. No one has ever stood up to Tywin like that; Cersei tried and got turned into an alcoholic mess (along with other reasons).
-Next, Tyrion Lannister is chillin’ with the homie Podrick (remember him from last season? It seems like he messed with those prostitutes so good they gave Tyrion his money back? POD DA GAWD). Bronn, Tyrion’s bodyguard, is also there and the trio are waiting for Prince Doran to show up, but instead they get Prince Oberyn Martell as Doran has the gout. Oberyn is a hothead in some sort of relationship with Ellaria Sand, and the two head to a brothel for some entertainment. We get our first gratuitous nudity of the season. Everyone cheers.
-Then the script gets flipped with the quickness as Oberyn hears a Lannister man singing the “Rains Of Castamere”, which is the Lannister anthem of sorts, and you also heard it at the Red Wedding as well as the beginning of this episode. When you hear it, usually something is about to happen. Anyway, after a quick confrontation, the Lannister man ends up with a knife through his hand. Tyrion walks in on this and asks Oberyn to walk with him and explain why he is in King’s Landing. The EW recap does an excellent job of dumbing it out, so here is the even quicker version: Oberyn’s sister was married to the son of the Mad King, Aerys Targaryen, who was overthrown by Tywin, Ned and Robert Baratheon (dude who was married to Cersei, Joffrey’s “father”), and killed by Jaime. Oberyn’s sister was raped and killed during the siege, along with her children. So yeah, he’s pissed and he tells Tyrion to tell Tywin he is there. Dude has a set on him, that is for sure.
-Next, we switch to the homegirl Daenerys Targaryen (STORMBORN GANG, WHAT UP), who is watching two of her dragons play in the sky while the other has its head on her lap. The two are playing with a carcass, which drops in front of the one on Dany’s lap (Drogon), and she tries to touch him while he is eating. He shrieks at her and then flies away. Simpin’ ass Jorah watches this go down and tells Dany that they can’t be tamed, even by their mother. But I mean, who likes to be touched while eating?
-Dany heads back to her Unsullied army and she wants to roll out, but she is missing Grey Worm and Daario Naharis, who are competing to see who can hold their arms out the longest, because they’re really fucking bored at this point I would think. But I was confused because last year, Daario was this Fabio-looking dude with a blond ponytail. Now he’s just some regular-looking white dude. Fabio was good for these jokes. This guy? Ehhhhhhh. I’m sure he’ll be fine, though. As long as he does some good killin’.
-Back at King’s Landing, Sansa is red-eyed as shit. Hearing that your brother and mother have been slaughtered will do that to you. It sucks because I always shit on Sansa, but this time, she deserves to be sad. Oh yeah, the hit was ordered by her father-in-law, Tywin, since she is married to Tyrion. So, she obviously wants no part of him. Tyrion goes back to his room, where Shae is waiting. Shae tries to get Tyrion to have sex, but he just isn’t in the mood; dude has a lot of his mind. Shae is breaking all sorts of “side chick” rules, especially since she is working for Sansa.
-Cersei and Jaime meet up, and Jaime is getting a golden hand. I want one, but without having to get my real hand cut off. Cersei chides Jaime for being gone too long and she feels like he can’t protect her anymore, which is some ignorant-ass shit. HE LOST HIS FUCKING HAND. Cersei is just awful. And now she drinks entirely too much, which is saying something on Game Of Thrones. But I could do without them having sex anymore since, you know, they’re twins.
-Head to The Wall, where Ygritte is chillin’ with her arrows, of which she is down a few after pumping them into Jon Snow. They run into the Thenns, who are apparently cannibals. These guys are new, and they’re down with the Wildlings’ plan to attack Castle Black, but they will fuck around and eat them if need be. The leader, Styr, is intimidating as hell.
-Meanwhile, at Castle Black, Jon has been nursed back to health by his homies in the Night’s Watch, including Samwell Tarly’s big, goofy ass. He finds out about the Red Wedding and tells Sam he was jealous of Robb, and Sam tells Jon he was jealous of him, so it’s all good. Jon has to tell a panel of three (they’re older characters, kind of important, but not crazy important) why he went to the Wildlings’ side, and why he had to kill Qhorin Halfhand, who actually told Jon to do it. Jon also tells them the Wildlings are coming to get them, so the panel (well, one of them anyway) lets Jon live because they have much bigger issues to deal with.
-Back at King’s Landing, we get our first real look at Joffrey, who is giving Jaime the business for not being there. It’s funny to think that Jaime is his pops and Joffrey is all incested up, which explains why he is the way he is. We also see Brienne for the first time, and she wants Jaime to keep his promise to protect the Stark girls, but he says Arya is dead and Sansa is Tyrion’s to worry about. There is the old Jaime we know. Meanwhile, Sansa is moping, but she runs into a dude that she saved from Joffrey in season 2, and he is hammered. He gives her a family necklace, and you can kind of see Sansa coming around, as much as she can anyway.
-Prior to this, Sansa and Tyrion have, what I think, is the best scene of the episode outside of the final scene. Tyrion basically apologizes for the Red Wedding, but that Sansa has to snap out of it; that is what her mother, Catelyn, would have wanted. Sansa says that she just wants to go to a place where no one talks to her. I can respect the hell out of that. She has been through a lot.
-Daario gives Dany a blue flower from Meereen, which is her next target. I really have no idea how this Daario is gon’ work out. But they roll up on Meereen, and are greeted with a dead slave hung on a cross. There is one for every kilometer left to Meereen, and Dany says she wants to see every one of them en route to the city. That’s right, piss off the girl with the big-ass dragons. That’ll work out well.
-Finally, we get to Arya and the Hound, and Arya is obviously none too pleased about the Red Wedding, but at least she is alive. The Hound is trying to take Arya to her aunt Lysa, the one who had Tyrion locked up and has the breastfeeding 10-year-old. They roll up on a tavern and Arya recognizes a man as one who killed her friend and stole her sword, Needle, which Jon had given to her. Dude’s name is Polliver, and he doesn’t recognize Arya, but he recognizes the Hound. Polliver and his people are down with Joffrey, but the Hound says “fuck the King”, and tells Polliver that he is taking a chicken (which gets bumped up to two chickens) from the tavern. Then he drinks Polliver’s beer while Polliver is talking shit, so you know it’s about to go down. The Hound starts fuckin’ these dudes up as he does, while Arya grabs Needle. Polliver is on the ground, and Arya stands over him. She repeats what he said before he killed her friend, and then pushes her sword through his throat. Finally, a Stark wins something! Not only did she kill someone who wronged her, but Arya also got her own horse now and she has Needle back. She has to be doing some internal partyin’.
A solid start to season 4 of Game Of Thrones. It basically was a reminder of what happened at the end of last season and where we are headed for this season. We didn’t get to see Theon being tortured, or Stannis, Melisandre and the killing shadow thing, or Bran, either, so they’ll probably be in the house next week. I also missed a conversation between Joffrey’s bride-to-be and Brienne. My bad. A LOT happened in this episode.
Man, did I ever miss Game Of Thrones. I forgot how much I did until the opening credits. Holla.