In the wonderful, wonderful world of Game Of Thrones, it is always a big occasion when someone gets married. That is to be expected: weddings are a big deal. But “The Lion And The Rose” (a nod to the respective banners of the wedding participants: Joffrey, who is technically a Baratheon, but he reps the Lannister lion and Margaery, who is under the Tyrells’ golden rose) continues the Westeros tradition of bloody weddings. And oh my, how mufuckas did party. Let’s go…………
-The episode opens with Ramsey, some girl and the return of Theon, who has been tortured and castrated to the point that he now thinks his name is Reek and he is basically a slave to Ramsey, who is chasing another girl through the woods with dogs. They eventually shoot her with an arrow, but instead of putting her out of her misery, Ramsey lets his dogs eat their prey while Theon watches. That dude is a mess, and you kinda feel bad for him, then you remember he burned those kids. So yeah….shit happens, homie.
-Tyrion and Jaime sit down to a nice lunch, but Jaime is bummed about the whole “hand gone” thing, and likely Cersei’s rebuff of his advances. But Tyrion is happy as hell, and if there is one person that has always been nice to him in the Lannister clan, it is his older brother. Tyrion suggests that Jaime go to Bronn to learn how to fight with his left hand. Jaime sure is a persistent dude.
-Roose Bolton (who was last seen sending the Lannisters’ regards to Robb Stark) chastises his crazy son, Ramsey, for turning Theon into his plaything. He also throws Ramsey some shade for being a bastard son, but, isn’t that your fault, dude? Fathers ain’t really about shit in Game Of Thrones, and the good one got his head chopped off in season one. Roose wanted to use Theon as a trade chip to take over the North, and thinks he is useless, but Ramsey proves to his father that Theon is totally on their side now. As Theon has a straight edge to his neck while shaving him, Ramsey tells him about Robb, who was like a brother to Theon. Theon gets a tick again, but doesn’t cut Ramsey, who has REALLY done a number on the guy.
-Varys, he of the little birds (spies) around King’s Landing, tells Tyrion that Shae has been found out by Cersei and Tywin Lannister and that she needs to get the fuck out NOW. Tyrion knows what he has to do, but doesn’t know how to do it. I know how you feel, bruh.
-Joffrey and Margaery make their first appearance and they’re receiving wedding gifts. He gets a goblet from his father-in-law to be, while Tyrion gives him a book on the four Targaryen kings. You think Joffrey is going to flip, but he says something nice and thanks Tyrion, to which I said, “Say whaaaaaaaaaa?”. But don’t fret: you’re not going crazy. Tywin gives his grandson one of the swords he had forged from Ned Stark’s sword in the premiere, so Joffrey tests it out…..on Tyrion’s book. The entire time, you just want to smack the shit outta his smarmy face. Jack Gleeson absolutely dominates this episode. When he says that cutting the book was like cutting off Ned’s head, in front of Sansa? Good Lord. And he didn’t even cut shit. He takes credit for a lot of shit he didn’t do, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
-Shae meets Tyrion in his room, but Tyrion isn’t having it and tells her there is a ship waiting for her to get out of King’s Landing. She says a whole bunch of nonsense about love ruling and they’ll fight his father together, to which I say, “are you insane?”. I appreciate her belief in love conquering all, but that shit ain’t gon’ fly and sometimes, that shit ain’t enough. Tyrion has to go all the way and tells her that as a Lannister, he can’t love a whore. Harsh, but he had to get her to go somehow.
-Melisandre has convinced Stannis to burn his trusted aides, and I gotta say, she has him wrapped: that killer vagina, as it were, shoutout to the shadow she gave birth to. Davos stays questioning Melisandre and Stannis still isn’t having it. Later, Stannis, his wife Selyse and Melisandre are having dinner, and she suggests that Melisandre talk to their daughter, Shireen, who isn’t feeling Melisandre at all. I keep forgetting Stannis has a wife, who is apparently down for open relationships. Shireen isn’t buying Melisandre’s version of heaven and hell, either. That probably won’t work out well for her.
-We hook up with Bran, who is dreaming that he is his wolf, which is hunting a deer. He is awoken and he and his crew continue their journey, but he is warned by Jojen that he shouldn’t spend too much time as his wolf or he’ll forget how to be human. They come up on a tree with a face, which Bran touches and gets a vision of the three-eyed eagle, along with a host of others. He hears a voice to look for something beneath a tree in the North, and that’s all fine and good. But what about that big-ass dragon shadow he sees over Winterfell? That was intriguing. But we probably won’t know what that is all about for a few seasons.
-Alright, now down to the business of Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding. Scenes between Tywin and Lady Olenna Tyrell are always good, and they’re talking about the cost of the wedding, among other things. And the shit was extravagant: fire breathers, jugglers, booze, food, mufuckas were partyin’. She then goes to Sansa to give her condolences about her brother, while Tyrion gets word from Bronn (who had a busy episode between teaching Jaime to fight again and taking Shae to her ship and getting slapped in the process) that Shae is gone. But I doubt that is the last we see of her, because, Game Of Thrones.
-Margaery announces that Joffrey will give the leftover food from the wedding to the poor, because someone has to run public relations for this nasty mufucka. But Cersei isn’t having that at all, and tells Maester Pycell (who was jailed by Tyrion for being Cersei’s spy) that he better feed the leftovers to the dogs, or he will be dog food. Ignorant for no damn reason. Cersei ain’t shit. Just tryna flex her muscles.
-Jaime rolls up on Loras Tyrell, who is due to wed Cersei, but we have seen in the past as the lover of Renly Baratheon and is now flirting with Prince Oberyn. Jaime tries to tell Loras that Cersei will kill him in his sleep, but this is just a front to get him to not marry his sister. Loras replies with, “you’re not marrying her, either”. Remember smart-ass Jaime? He lost more than his hand; he has also lost his wit. Cersei then calls out Brienne for having feelings with Jaime, which she doesn’t deny, but walks away. The dynamic between Jaime and Cersei is so…..I don’t know. It’s all fine and kinda sweet, until you remember that they’re twins.
-Oberyn and his lady, Ellaria, meet with Cersei and Tywin, and the four of them throw all sorts of shade at each other. The highlights are Cersei calling out Ellaria for being a bastard, which she embraces, and Oberyn brings up the fact that his sister was murdered, probably on Tywin’s order (he didn’t say the last part out loud, though).
-Joffrey speaks up and says that people are having too much fun at a wedding; imagine that, right? He calls for a crew of dwarfs to recreate the War of the Five Kings, and proceeds to hit this maniacal laugh which is pretty chilling, even on the second viewing. Right about then, Margaery and Lady O get looks like, “the fuck have we married into?”. It is especially offensive to Tyrion (dwarfs) and Sansa (a wolf’s head is getting humped by a dwarf and of course, the wolf is the sign of the Starks), and Joffrey is cackling so hard that he spits out his wine. It’s pretty disturbing, to be honest. He then suggests Tyrion go out and fight the dwarfs, which he declines and instead, suggests Joffrey do it to show how a real king wins the throne. Joffrey wants no parts of a battle of wits with Tyrion, but he doesn’t need to, because he is the king.
-Joffrey then kicks it up a notch, pouring his wine over Tyrion’s head and orders him to be his cupbearer; basically, follow him around and make sure his wine is full. Tyrion is humiliated, but handles it as well as possible, but when Joffrey orders him to bow before his king, Tyrion is like, “You know what? Fuck that”. Margaery tries to diffuse the situation by announcing the arrival of the wedding pie, which is HUGE. Joffrey cuts it with his sword and doves fly out, and Margaery feeds him some pie, so he surely needs some wine, calling on Tyrion, who tries to leave with Sansa. Tyrion gives him a glass and Joffrey drinks, but the king starts to get all choked up, so to speak. He begins to clutch his throat and eventually falls to the ground, while Jaime and Cersei run to try and help him.
-Man, listen…..when Joffrey is vomiting while choking on his own vomit, with blood coming out of his nose? I wanted to pour champagne out. It looked painful as hell, and nothing less than he deserved. Fuck Joffrey, fuck his reign, fuck his sword, fuck his crown, fuck him for killing that prostitute with a crossbow, all around, super fuck him and his memory. The final scene focused on his face needs to be a t-shirt.
-He finally dies, pointing and looking at Tyrion, who is picking up the poisoned goblet (shoutout to Hamlet) and Cersei is enraged. Watch it again and look at her eyes: you can see the burning fires of hell in them. She yells that Tyrion poisoned the king and that he needs to be taken away.
-You may have missed this if you were partyin’ on Joffrey’s death (for which you wouldn’t be blamed), but Dontos steps up to Sansa and is like, “Yo, we need to get the fuck outta here NOW). Dontos was the guy who showed up drunk to a jousting tournament on Joffrey’s birthday, which Joffrey took as an insult.
So, that was that. The first half of the episode was kinda meh, just because I don’t care about those storylines, however important they might be. But the second half? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..this might trump the Red Wedding for me. And the question is, who killed Joffrey? When you think about it, who DIDN’T have a reason to kill him? Name one person that liked the kid. I’m sure Cersei has even thought about it, but he was her key to power, and now that is gone. Even Jaime came back last week and was like, you’re quite the little asshole, aren’t ya?
Shoutout to Jack Gleeson, who is apparently retiring from acting to go back to school. Joffrey is an awful, awful, AWFUL character in the books, but Gleeson made him even more deplorable and it must have been hard to do, because I assume he isn’t a dick like that in real life. To go out like he did in “The Lion And The Rose”, with one final “holy shit, that kid is an asshole” type of performance, hats off, good sir. Well done.
No one is safe in Game Of Thrones, and that is why we love it. Buckle up.