The third episode of Game Of Thrones wasn’t quite the showstopper that last week’s was, but I would argue it was consistently a better episode and these are the types of episodes that don’t get enough credit as we’re all so damn thirsty for dragons and nudity and killing and death and WHERE ARE THE DAMN DRAGONS ALL OF THE TIME. This set up the next few episodes nicely and in a story this vast, you need one of these every once in a while. Let’s go……
-We open with one final shot of the dead King Joffrey, and of course, Cersei is furious because she sees any hint of power she had disappear. She manages to get Tyrion, but Sansa is nowhere to be found and Tywin orders that King’s Landing is on lockdown until she is found. Then we watch Sansa on the run with Dontos, and she actually just goes along with the plan, only asking questions once. She is catching on. Old Sansa would have wasted so much time asking questions about where she is being led to, instead of just getting out of dodge.
-Littlefinger back! It has been a while since we’ve seen this slimy bastard, and of course, he’s all creepy looking in the fog and trying rub up on Sansa. I get he loved her mother, Catelyn, but come on, man. He kills Dontos instead of paying him and reveals that he had Dontos’ old family necklace” made himself, but that’s not surprising. What is, is that Littlefinger had to have known about Joffrey’s murder and that Sansa would get the blame for it, so is he intimating that he was behind it? Just to get up Sansa’s dress? What a creep.
-Lady O and Margaery try to go through what just happened, and what their power is now. Poor Margaery; first Renly (who was lovers with Loras, dude that is due to marry Cersei) and Joffrey, although as Lady O says, this has to be better than being married to him. She actually drops a lot of knowledge in this scene and it makes you scratch your chin because she is so nonchalant about it all.
-Tywin is breaking down what happens next to Tommen, who I forgot even existed until last week. They’re doing this, literally, over Joffrey’s dead body and Cersei is all, “this isn’t the time or the place”, and Tywin just keeps on going. Basically, Tywin tells Tommen that he will be king, but he should listen to his counsel, aka, Tywin, so it’s business as usual in King’s Landing. He runs the show and everyone knows it.
-Tywin leaves with his living grandson and Jaime enters the room, and Cersei starts to wail on about Jaime avenging their son’s death and Tyrion did it and all sorts of madness that she is prone to yell. Jaime is like, “the fuck was all this affection when you DIDN’T need me?”. He calls her hateful, and then….um…….yeah…..rape incest. Incest rape? Whatever you wanna call it, Jaime finally gets some from Cersei, but she isn’t really giving it away. All this is happening up against Joffrey’s casket thing, as well. Let’s add more levels of disturbance to this. Oh, she starts yelling, “it’s not right!”. Are you kidding me? NOW you’re getting all moralistic and shit? Yeesh.
-Arya and the Hound continue on their journey, and they run across a farmer and his young daughter, who proceeds to offer them shelter as a storm is coming. The farmer is just trying to say grace before they eat, and the Hound is making all kinds of cracks and threats. Hound learns that the farmer has silver and Arya was like, “why did you tell him that?”. Of course, she wakes in the morning to a scream and it’s the Hound, robbing the old farmer. Arya tries to chastise him and Hound is like, “look, these mufuckas are weak and will be dead by winter, and the dead don’t need no silver”. He also hits the line of the episode when he is talking about how things are now: “I just understand the way things are … how many Starks do they got to behead before you figure it out?. He’s not wrong.
-We skip to Samwell Tarly and Gilly at Castle Black, and Sam is trying to convince Gilly to take her baby somewhere safe because he knows the wildlings are coming, but he also thinks that his fellow members of the Night’s Watch are about to run a train on Gilly. He thinks that all 100 men there are picturing her at night, but she is like, “what about you?”. GO IN, SAM. STOP BEING A BITCH.
-Stannis shows Davos a letter saying that Joffrey (Stannis’ nephew) is dead, and that he thinks it was Melisandre’s leech curse that did it. Davos has been trying to get crews together to fight for Stannis, but it isn’t enough. I wouldn’t fight for Stannis, either. He’s bland as shit. He desperately wants to fight for the crown, but he needs more people. Melisandre’s killer vagina shadows should help, no?
-Davos then goes for his reading lesson with Stannis’ daughter Shireen, but comes up with an idea for her to write a letter to the Iron Bank, which is quite a major piece of forgery. I have to read up on this part of the story because I really don’t understand why he is writing this letter, but man….I just don’t care about anything Stannis-related.
-Gilly shows up at Molestown, which she finds out is a whorehouse. But as a wildling, she is looked down upon by the whores, which has to be a blow to the ego. And wait a minute….Sam is worried about Gilly getting trains run on her, yet he takes her to a whorehouse with a room and a window and is like, you’ll be fine? With a baby? Poor, poor Sam. That’s good stuff.
-Next, it’s party time at Oberyn’s crib as there is an orgy going down, because, Oberyn. But Tywin rolls up in the spot and starts asking Oberyn questions about Joffrey’s murder (we learn Oberyn studied in poisoning, which I’m glad is no longer on the curriculum) to which Oberyn replies, what about my sister’s murder? Tywin then has an offer for Oberyn: he will introduce him to the Mountain, who allegedly raped and killed Oberyn’s sister, if he will sit on Tyrion’s jury with Tywin and Mace Tyrell, along with a spot on the king’s council. Tywin is goin’ hard trying to get Oberyn in on this because he knows he needs some help; he tells Oberyn of an impending open rebellion because of Joffrey’s death (this is where Stannis comes into play), the wildlings are coming from the north and in the east, there is a Targaryen girl with three dragons. Oberyn is like, “Dragons? Word?”. Them shits ring bells, I tell ya. But we also learn the Dornish, Oberyn’s people, fought the dragons during the last battle, so that’s why Tywin is so pressed to have them in the fold.
-Tyrion sits in his cell, where he gets a visit from Podrick (POD DA GAWD), who gives him a rundown of what is happening, when the trial is, that Oberyn is on the jury, that Sansa has up and gone (since that doesn’t look shady at all) and that he can call his own witnesses, all except Bronn. Pod also tells Tyrion that someone bribed him to testify against the imp, which Pod declined and now, we need a .gif of Pod wearing a “Stop Snitchin'” shirt. Tyrion tells Pod to get out of King’s Landing now before something happens, but first, send Jaime to Tyrion. Pod is such a soldier. Son’s gon’ end up like Bodie on The Wire, though.
-Ygritte takes down a man talking to his son before the wildlings get to pillaging and remember, they have those crazy cannibal dudes with them. The slaughter doesn’t last long, and you think it’s going to end with the boy at the beginning of the scene getting something ill stuff done to him, and you wouldn’t be overly wrong as the leader tells the boy that he is going to eat his dead parents, but the boy still has to run to Castle Black and tell what happened. That was a little-ass boy, how long would that take?
-The Night’s Watch wants to help the people in the villages (and the surrounding villages), but they have to watch The Wall. But they then learn that Mance Rayder is still at Craster’s and Jon Snow knows he told Mance they had a thousand men at Castle Black when they really only have 100. Basically, Mance will learn that and gather for an invasion. The Night’s Watch is fucked.
-Dany and her crew marches on Meereen, the whole 160-plus kilometers, which meant she had 160-plus hung-up dead slaves to make her even angrier. The Meereenians (???????) send out their champion rider, a dude on a horse that proceeds to pull it out and urinate towards Dany, who gets that “yo, this doesn’t even have to go down like this, bruh” look. The Meereenians laugh and Dany learns that they think she has an army with no balls, which isn’t wrong. Dany needs a champion and guess who steps up? Daario offers his services, while Jorah’s heart breaks a little bit more. The champion rider and his horse surge towards Daario, and the horse gets a knife in the eye for his troubles while the rider gets his head chopped off. Dany’s panties get a little wet. Off camera, Jorah probably threw his hands up. The Meereenian army shoot arrows at the Stormborn gang, to which Daario relieves himself.
-Dany goes on one of her patented speeches about freeing slaves and giving them the option to ride with her, but they’re now free and the real enemies are the slaveowners. She orders that a few catapults start shooting barrels at the slaves, but when the barrels smash and open there are chains inside. The slaves are like, “hmmmmmmm, I didn’t even know this was an option”. The slaveowners are like, “awwwwwwwwwwwwww shit”. And the episode ends.
-Why does the last slave look like the dude from Prison Break?
“Breaker of Chains” was about what I expected: dealing with the fallout of Joffrey’s death and people trying to figure out where to go next. The Littlefinger/Sansa stuff needs to be watched, while Tyrion better not be in a damn cell all season. The stuff between Jaime and Cersei, yeah, they need to sort that shit out. And we all know what that Stormborn Gang can do; she ain’t even pull the dragons out for these mufuckas! ‘Til next week….