It is halftime for the fourth season of Game Of Thrones, and “First Of His Name” was a solid episode to catch your breath as….wait, there was a big-ass fight scene that took over the final quarter of the episode? So much for that. You don’t get any time to breathe in the world that George R.R. Martin has created, and that isn’t a bad thing. Michelle McLaren episode #2, let’s go……..
-Tommen is receiving his crown as the new king with his subjects yelling, “Long may he reign”. Tommen might want to look at the recent his history, though: his “father”, Robert, reigned for a while and was killed by a boar because his dear mother, Cersei, instructed people to get him too drunk to hunt. His brother, Joffrey, well, we all know what happened there. Being king isn’t all it is cracked up to be. I’m sure he’ll find that out.
-However, being king does have some perks as Tommen looks over while his subjects come to bow before him on the Iron Throne, and there is Margaery, gettin’ her flirt on. And up steps Cersei with the big Mutumbo finger-wag block like, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAP”. Cersei looked over and caught them glancing at each other in the first scene and if there is one thing we know about Cersei, it is that she isn’t stupid. She might be slightly nuts and now, a bit of a drunk, but Cersei isn’t stupid.
-Cersei approaches Margaery, and I thought some shit was about to go down. However, Cersei does something else: she admits to Margaery that Joffrey was evil and shocked her with some of the shit he did. Then she asks Margaery if she is still interested in being queen, and Cersei is down with it, it seems. Cersei knows how the game goes, and it was her that famously said to Ned Stark in season one, “in the game of thrones, you win or you die”. It is all about positioning yourself to be there at the end. That being said, when Margaery says to her, “I won’t know what to call you. Sister…..or mother” in reference to her impending wedding to Loras, Cersei kinda looked like she wanted to put her hair in a ponytail and choke the shit outta Margaery.
-Switch to Meereen, where Dany gets word that Joffrey has been killed and then Daario tells her that they took over the navy. Why? Because he “heard she liked ships”. He isn’t wrong, and who doesn’t like ships if you have an army? She throws out going to Westeros and runnin’ shit with her ships and her army and her dragons, but Dany learns the last two places she took over have basically gone back to being how they were. Come on, Dany, what did you think was going to happen? They would just continue to listen to you even though you were gone? A little naivety shown by her and we have to remember, Dany is still pretty young when it comes to the story. She is just figuring this shit out as it happens, and she starts to doubt herself, which Emilia Clarke does a great job of portraying. But instead of going to Westeros, she decides to stay in Meereen, and go back to the previous cities to do as queens do: rule. Call it on-the-job training. Rule that area, then when she is ready, Dany can make her way back to Westeros.
-Littlefinger and Sansa are walking through the Eryie, where Lysa and her breastfeeding teenager son Robin awaits. I actually don’t know how old he is, but I am going to guess at least 10, possibly 11. We get a really cool shot of the Eryie as they approach, and we haven’t seen this place since Tyrion was locked in the skycells in one of the first two seasons. Lysa tells Sansa she knows who she is and knew her neice was coming, Littlefinger gives Robin a gift, which he throws down an open hole. He also references that he wants to make the little man fly; Robin was all about pushing Tyrion out of the skycells. He’s a strange little bastard, but the breastfeeding already told us that and it isn’t really his fault. His mother is CRAZY, as we’ll see.
-Lysa gets all over Littlefinger and we are reminded of a bunch of stuff: they are due to be married, and Littlefinger persuaded her to poison her husband, Jon Arryn. This goes back to the very first episode of Game Of Thrones, as Jon was the Hand to Robert’s King, and Robert, along with Cersei, Joffrey and company rode to Winterfell to make Ned Stark the new Hand. He also persuaded Lysa to write a letter to Catelyn Stark implicating the Lannisters in Jon’s death, while Littlefinger also implicated Tyrion in an attempt on Bran’s life, which got Tyrion locked up in the skycells in the first place. He also had a hand in Ned’s death, so yeah, Littlefinger outchea in these streets plottin’ and schemin’ like shit. He basically started the entire war or at the very least, played a MAJOR role in it. He is all, “shut up, baby”, kisses Lysa and tells her to go ahead with the wedding. She ALREADY has a priest there. Littlefinger is like, “shit”. Then we learn Lysa is a screamer when they consummate the marriage. Sansa is not impressed. Shit was creepy.
-Tywin and Cersei are chatting about Tommen marrying Margaery, and they both know it is all part of the game. Tywin tells Cersei that he never liked Robert, who always patted him on the back. That was some real petty father-in-law shit, and it’s great because it is one of the rare human moments we see from Tywin, instead of the all-ruling serious guy we’ve seen during the entire series. Tywin then tells Cersei that they need the Tyrells because they’re broke and owe a “tremendous amount” of money to the Iron Bank, which doesn’t sound like they’re to be played with. All this is for, is to keep the Lannister name prestigious because that is all Tywin cares about. As Cersei says, “the Lannister legacy is the only thing that matters” and then she tries to go into Tyrion’s trial, but Tywin hits her with a block as he is a judge. I don’t think he even believes Tyrion did it; was he in on the plan to kill Joffrey as well? Charles Dance is so good as Tywin, it is scary. He was easily the MVP of season three.
-The Hound and Arya are done for the night, but Arya keeps him awake by saying the names of the people she has to kill, which includes him and the Hound is like, “little girl, if you don’t get the fuck on somewhere”. But he does understand her little death prayer. We’ll get back to these two in a minute.
-Lysa and Sansa are chillin’ with some lemon cakes, because we’ve seen Sansa go ham on these things in the past; give her some lemon cakes and she will do WHATEVER you want. But the conversation takes a weird turn because, well, LYSA. She has always despised her sister, Catelyn, because it was her that Littlefinger truly loved and Lysa thinks that love is being turned on Sansa, who starts to freak out a little when Lysa won’t let go of her hands. She goes on about Cat never loving Littlefinger as she did and Littlefinger tryna bang Sansa on the ship (Sansa is a virgin), and Sansa breaks down in tears. Lysa is fucking CRAZY. But I don’t remember any of the stuff Sansa says Littlefinger says about her to be true: she is a stupid, little girl who is a terrible liar and should always tells the truth. All of this is true, but I don’t remember him saying it. I think we’re seeing Sansa (and actress Sophie Turner) grow up before our very eyes. She better do it soon, because Lysa wants her to marry Robin, because, incest is what’s hot in these King’s Landing streets.
-Brienne and POD DA GAWD. This is going to be all sorts of comedy as Brienne doesn’t really need a squire, and Pod never really learned to be a proper squire under Tyrion, who just wanted him to take his food away and bring him wine. Pod can’t even ride a horse. Game Of Thrones could have all kinds of spin-offs. I’d watch a mini-season of Pod and Brienne’s hilarious hijinks.
-The Hound wakes up to no Arya, but she is practicing her swordplay as she wants to go all Kill Bill on mufuckas. The Hound laughs her off, both her sword work and the guy who taught Arya how to use it. Arya goes to stab him with Needle, which really ain’t shit when it comes to swords and the Hound smacks the shit outta her, which she needed because as he points out, the people she is going after will have a REALLY big fucking sword.
-Cersei approaches Oberyn, another judge in Tyrion’s trial, and she tries to appeal to him as a father who has eight daughters. Also, Oberyn has been watching Cersei’s daughter (niece?), Myrcella, who was sent to Dorne as part of a marriage pact with House Martell, but also because Tyrion wanted to keep her safe because shit was about to go down in King’s Landing. Cersei wants to send her daughter a gift, a ship out on the water because Myrcella loves the water. Remember, she is the heir to the Throne now if something happens to Tommen, which it probably will. So we’ll be seeing her at some point this season, I would think.
-Pod and Brienne continue their journey, and Pod can’t even cook rabbits. Brienne starts to chastise him and the “oh jeez” look she gives as she throws some sticks on the ground has to be made into a GIF. But then she learns that Pod killed a man, to protect Tyrion in the Battle of Blackwater at the end of season two, so he comes through when he has to. She starts to soften up to him. Oh yeah….this should be all kinds of greatness.
-Super-spy Locke scouts out Craster’s Keep and goes back to Jon Snow and company with the findings, and Jon says they’ll wait until sundown to attack. Meanwhile, Bran and his crew are tied up somewhere, and Jojen says he has these visions and that Bran can’t stop until he finds the three-eyed raven and some tree, which I keep forgetting about. I’m working on caring more about this storyline because I know it is going to be important, so bear with me. Oh yeah, Jojen’s hand sets on fire. I’m not sure if anyone else in the room can see it, I’m not sure.
-Karl and his crew go to Bran and ’em, and they string up Meera, which leads me to believe things are about to get even more rapey on Game Of Thrones, if that is even friggin’ possible. Jojen tells Karl that he can see things, but they have to let go of his sister, to which Karl sneers. Jojen then tells him that he can see Karl’s dead body in a fire, and Karl is about to get all in his feelings, but he is alerted that Jon and the boys are there. Now, I have two things to say about this: one, if Jon was planning to wait until sundown to attack, why the hell are they running in yelling? Whatever happened to the element of surprise? And two, Locke said there were 11 drunk men there. That was a GD lie. There was way more than 11 dudes there.
-Locke gets too Bran first and makes plans to kidnap him, but Bran takes over Hodor’s body and Hodor breaks away from the wall he was chained up at. Meanwhile, there is mad killin’ going on outside, Jon and crew are wreckin’ shop over Karl’s rape gang. He tracks down Locke and, well, he breaks his neck or his spine or something bad, well, good. Hodor’s revenge! Hodor is like, the fuck just happened? Bran instructs him to go free the rest of the crew, and he finally sees Jon. He tries to call for him, but Jojen tells Bran that Jon will take him back to Castle Black and the hunt for that damn raven will be over, which is true.
-We get the battle between Jon and Karl, and Karl gets the upper hand on the highborn bastard, because as he let us know in the last episode, Karl is hard from the streets, dammit. Karl gets stabbed by one of the girls he raped, and he shrugs off the knifing and is about to destroy her, but he gets a sword through the back of his head from Jon. Like, out through his mouth and shit. It was GOOD.
-Jon, being the noble cat he is, offers to take the girls back to Castle Black, but they’re like, “nah, we’re good”. They just want the Keep burned to the ground, which it is. Oh yeah, remember that dude that was messin’ with Jon’s wolf when he went out to feed him in the last episode? That wolf gets all sorts of revenge. We also hear the damn raven(s).
The second half of the season is setting up nicely. Littlefinger emerges as a major player, Tyrion’s trial is about to pop off, there could be a couple marriages in King’s Landing, we got some nice, little travelling road shows in Arya/Hound and Pod/Brienne, and the Bran thing is going to be something to watch. Of course, Dany and her posse is worth watching as well. No Tyrion or Jaime in this episode, so I’m sure we’ll catch up with them next week. The Game Of Thrones is starting to come together quite nicely.