After a string of incredible episodes, Game Of Thrones manages to dial it back a bit with “Mockingbird”, although that isn’t to say that is a bad episode; it is just that we have been spoiled this season with at least two candidates for “Best GoT episode ever”. A ton of stuff still happens, too. Let’s go….
-We begin with Tyrion and Jaime, who is chastising his little brother for his tirade at the end of his trial as Jaime had a deal with Tywin to keep him alive. But Tyrion knew that was what Tywin wanted: Tyrion out of sight at Castle Black and Jaime at Casterly Rock continuing the Lannister name, which is why Tywin agreed to it so quickly. We also see how jealous Tyrion is of Jaime, who “could kill a king, lose a hand, fuck your sister…” and Jaime is like, “hold up now, I’m the only mufucka that still likes you, watch ya mouth”. The show is being very explicit in letting us know that people know about Jaime and Cersei, much moreso than the books, I think. It was also good when Jaime hit Tyrion with that “BRILLIANT speech…they’ll be talking about it for days”. I’m sure it felt great for Tyrion to get that off his chest and it made for a helluva speech, but the people won’t remember it for long and it would have been all for naught.
-Tyrion was really angling for Jaime to fight for him, but ol’ One-Hand McRapecest isn’t about that life anymore and after all the jokes, Tyrion realizes that. Especially as he knows who Cersei is looking at to fight for her.
-Man, The Mountain is fucking HUGE. Son kills for fun. That one dude tried to bow for mercy, and The Mountain killed him for no damn reason. The last two blows with the sword didn’t even make any sense. He doesn’t care who he fights at all. I’m not a big fan of the word, but could you be any more of a cunt, Cersei?
-The Hound and Arya roll up on a burned-down farmhouse, and they find a man who is dying of a wound to the stomach. He doesn’t seem to know the people who burned his hut down, and the Hound wonders why he hasn’t killed himself yet to end the pain; at this point, you know Hound is gon’ kill him, this old man doesn’t have the heart to do it himself. It also turns out to be a lesson for Arya as the Hound stabs the old man through the heart, so she knows where it is now.
-This comes in handy as the Hound is attacked by a man who gets his neck snapped for his troubles, although he did manage to bite Hound’s neck. The second attacker tells him the Lannisters have a price on his head for his whole “Fuck The King” steez, and all the killing, of course. He also tells them of Joffrey’s death. Arya recognizes the second attacker from when she was getting taken to the Wall, and he apparently said that he would fuck Arya bloody with a stick, so this won’t end well for him. He tells Hound his name, which gets him on Arya’s little list of death, then he gets Needle in his heart. Cold-blooded Arya reminds me of Natalie Portman in “Leon: The Professional”, which is an excellent movie if you haven’t seen it.
-Jon Snow returns to Castle Black, greeted well by his boys, but not by Allister Thorne, who continues to be a bitchass. Jon tells him and the council that he recommends sealing the tunnel at the Wall to stop the wildlings, and it is probably a good idea, but Thorne isn’t having it. All these dudes are gon’ die because Thorne is a spiteful prick. Nice. I can’t wait for Jon to kill him. That has to happen.
-Bronn is sent to Tyrion, who asks him to fight for him as he did once before, but Bronn is in a good place now. He has some new clothes, and he got hooked up with a girl who will inherit a castle when her sister dies, which Bronn says might happen by accident, because he is shady like that. This is all courtesy of Cersei, who knew Tyrion would ask Bronn, who really wants to help him, but what is in it for him? He’ll probably die fighting the Mountain, and if he somehow beats him, he’ll be fucked up OR Cersei will have him killed anyway. And really, would Tyrion risk his life for Bronn? He has already done it once; twice is asking too much. It was sad to see Bronn leave and say he wants to hear a song one day about Tyrion beating the Mountain. Bronn is a sellsword; he is in this for himself, and Tyrion has to respect that.
-Dany goes to her private quarters, where Daario is waiting with some flowers. Uh…….do you see how big that pyramid is? This mufucka is Spiderman. Basically, he tells her that he is only good at fighting and fucking, and he hasn’t done either. So Dany is like, “pull it out”, and while we don’t see it, we can be pretty sure that she gets the D. It’s good to see a woman in the place of power when it comes to sex in Game Of Thrones, which is usually getting roasted for objectifying women and being mad rapey. And I’m sure the female viewers were happy to see some Daario ass.
-Then we switch to Melisandre in the bath, because you gotta have balance and I am not arguing with this. Stannis’ wife, Selyse, comes in to have a chat and Melisandre basically admits that her magic shit is all an illusion to make people believe, but we’ve seen her birth a demon out of her vagina, so there has to be some truth to the shit. Selyse also wants to leave her daughter, Shireen, behind when they go to King’s Landing, but Melisandre says she is needed. Will Stannis be down with sacrificing his daughter? It doesn’t seem likely, but she does have a certain hold over him.
-Dario is leaving Dany’s room when Jorah walks by, and Dario is like, “gimme a pound, playa” and Jorah is like, “this mufucka….”. He obviously tells Dany that Dario can’t be trusted because he is a cockblocker (I submit “Lord Cockblocker” as a new Jorah nickname), and Dany reveals that she told Dario to take the Second Sons and go back to Yunkai to wreck shop, but Jorah recommends against this and Dany tells him to take the credit for it. She loves Jorah, but he still won’t get in those draws, no matter how good of an advisor he is.
-The Hound and Arya are chillin’, and Arya wants to burn where he was bitten so it won’t get infected, but we know how he feels about fire. He then proceeds to go off on her for getting him in trouble, even though this all could have been avoided if he had, you know, NOT KIDNAPPED HER. But he does have a soft spot for her or he would have killed her long ago, and he tells her the story of how his brother, the Mountain, burned his face for playing with one of his toys, but it hurt more because his brother did it and his father lied for him. Hound has been betrayed by the people he loves his entire life, so that is why it is hard for him to let Arya in, but he does let Arya dress his wound, which is a start.
-Brienne and POD DA GAWD continue their journey and they end up at an inn, where we see….so, when first saw dude, I knew he was familiar and I wanted to say his name was something to do with him being fat, like Fat Boy or Fatty or something. Turns out it is Hot Pie, who was last seen giving Arya a big-ass piece of bread as they parted ways, and while he goes on about his pies, Brienne tells him that they’re looking for Sansa Stark, which makes Hot Pie go, “Um, yeah, no Starks outchea in these streets”. Pod recommends that they shouldn’t be going around telling people they’re looking for someone who is accused of killing the former king and the daughter of a traitor, but then Hot Pie comes out as they’re leaving to tell them that Arya is still alive (Brienne thought she was dead) and that she is with the Hound, possibly en route to the Eryie, where crazy-ass Lysa lives. Hot Pie also wants them to give Arya a wolf-shaped bread, which I’m pretty sure was what he gave her the last time he saw her. Has he been holding on to this bread? He just keeps wolf-shaped loaves on deck? But it was nice to see Brienne trusting Pod a bit when he tells her what he knows of the Lysa situation, and it was always going to happen that they would get their buddy-cop on.
-Oberyn visits Tyrion, who has no options left, and he tells him of a story about when he visited King’s Landing as a boy and Tyrion was a baby. Cersei always hated Tyrion for killing their mother as he was born, and made him out to be some sort of freak show, and Oberyn says she pinched his penis so hard, he thought it would rip off. Tyrion knew that Cersei has always wished ill upon him, but not this much and not for this long, and he is genuinely hurt for the second episode in a row. But as he continues to tell Tyrion how badly Cersei wants him dead, Oberyn says he wants justice for his sister and her children, and the wheels are turning….who is Cersei getting to fight for her? Who does Oberyn hate the most in this world outside of the Lannisters? Yep, he’ll volunteer to fight the Mountain. Tyrion is like, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD”….you know he did a little dance when Oberyn left.
-Sansa is hangin’ out, building a replica of Winterfell in the snow, when Robin joins her. He just wants to hurt people, like a little breastfeeding 14-year-old Joffrey-in-training. He stomps on her snowcastle and she slaps him, causing him to run off and tell his mother, which is never good, but at least Sansa stood up for herself for once. You can’t have anything around this weird little bastard. Littlefinger sees this and says he deserves it, and then when she asks him why he killed Joffrey, Littlefinger goes on some spiel about how much he loved her mother and he could have been her father, but since he isn’t, he’ll try to put the moves on her since she is hotter than Catelyn ever was. Littlefinger is taking the creep factor to a whole new level, and that is saying something in Game Of Thrones. So, he kisses her, but guess who sees it?
-Lysa calls Sansa to her chambers, and Sansa tries to apologize for slapping Robin, but Lysa gives no fucks about that. All she knows is that young hussy is outchea tryna steal her man, and she flips the fuck out, grabbing Sansa and threatening to throw her down the moon door. But Littlefinger steps in to stop it, and soothingly gets Lysa to step back from the ledge; he’ll send Sansa away and everything. That gets Lysa to drop her guard, and then you see it coming from a mile away: Littlefinger says that he has only loved one woman and Lysa thought he was gon’ say her. NOAP….it was Catelyn, and then out the moon door Lysa goes.
Overall, “Mockingbird” was a solid episode, but it was a little too obvious for me, and not because I’ve read the book: I have an awful memory and don’t remember 97% of it. But you saw the whole Oberyn thing coming, as well as the Lysa thing. It is only because all of it was so well-acted that it gets a pass, especially Pedro Pascal, who has balled out as Oberyn this season. He has stolen almost every scene he has been in and has more than held his own with the likes of Peter Dinklage, Lena Headley and Charles Dance. Hell, a subpar episode of this season still gets like, an 8.4 outta 10 or something, so calm down.
No Game Of Thrones next week because of a holiday, so I’ll be back in a couple weeks with the beginning of the three-episode homestretch, and you should get ready, because shit is about to go down.