Monthly Archives: June 2014

24: Live Another Day – 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM (Ep.9)

24: Live Another Day rolls on, and the action picks up right where we left off, which is with the President getting his shit blown to smithereens, we think. We haven’t seen someone get blown up in the middle of Wembley Stadium like that since…..I don’t have a good joke about the England national team on hand, but those guys suck (I’m an England fan and you’re lucky this entire blog post isn’t littered with jokes about how terrible they are). Let’s go……..

-We open with an image of smoke coming out of Wembley, where President Heller got them bombs over London dropped on him….didn’t he? Then we head to a gathering featuring the British PM, Audrey, Mark and other government figures who just watched Heller get hit. The British PM gives Audrey some spiel about her father being courageous, when he was ready to throw him to the wolves, what, two or three hours ago? But they do learn the clones are getting taken down, so Margot is being a good little terrorist….isn’t she?

-They’re also watching the bombing at the CIA office, and Ritter asks why Margot would bomb an empty stadium when Kate tells them about Jack’s plan with the President. CTU, CIA, they’re all inept according to 24. Navarro has the nerve to say that would never happen and it is impossible, which leads me to believe there could be a spinoff where Kate goes through life with people not believing her, even though she is obviously right. That is, if Jack dies, and I am not entirely sure that is possible.

-Margot and Ian are getting rid of the drones and somberly celebrating their assassination; you would think they would have cake or something. But Ian notices something funny on the video they watched, and they realize that they (Jack, Chloe and Heller) figured out a way to doctor the feed to make it look like he was there. Someone missed a chapter in Terrorism 101, apparently.

-Jack and Heller are now leaving Wembley and Chloe tells him Margot caught on to the plan with one more drone left, and she is PISSED, so now they have to avoid that. Jack puts him in a car with Belcheck and Heller tries to order him around, but yeah, this isn’t the States and Belcheck only listens to Bauer, who says no phones or contact. Heller also says something that makes me mad: “I listened to you before, Jack, not this time”. WHY THE HELL NOT? Does Jack have a track record of being wrong about things? Quite the opposite, actually. So what the fuck is the problem? Did you REALLY think Jack was gon’ let you die on these streets on his watch? Nah, you gotta suffer through that Alzheimer’s, bruh. Suck it up. He eventually listens to Jack, because he is smarter than that.

-Jack calls Kate and tells her to hook up a call to Heller’s staff, which includes Audrey, who wants this shit on speaker. He tells her that her father is still alive and lets them in on his plan, and that they also need to intercept the final drone. Jack is en route to Margot’s location, but Audrey thanks him first, Jack says, “you’re welcome”, Mark is in the background like, “I’m gon’ lose my wife to this mufucka, b”. That was some solid editing there. Mark is so mad, but I think he is coming to the realization that he isn’t stopping Jack. He just gotta walk away.

-Kate is still wondering where the hell Jordan is, but Navarro tells her not to worry about it. No one cares where this dude is at all.

-Meanwhile, Margot and Ian are furious about Heller’s plan, although they don’t know it was Jack’s plan to start with. She sets out a plan to bomb Waterloo Station, which is a part of the subway or the tube, I guess as the London folk like to call it.  She also wants Heller to be alive to know he caused this, but with the Alzheimer’s, he might just forget and this would have all been just to be petty, which we already know she is.

-Chloe is trying to focus on Margot’s location for Jack, but she needs help, so she calls Adrian, who doesn’t want to help Jack, but he’ll help Chloe. They must have had the sex, right? He is sprung for her, but they figure out where she is. Kate and Ritter get to the building and they get instantly shot at.

-So, wait a minute….Jack is in a helicopter, which just left Wembley, and Margot doesn’t think to go after that? Jack just flying around with no cares in the world, chillin’. Catelyn Stark ain’t built to be a terrorist.

-Jack gets to the building and starts doing what he does, while Kate and Ritter are getting rained on with gunfire. Margot and Ian are doing the last few things they need to do to hit that tube station. Jack finds out Margot is on the fifth floor, but gets shot at and says he needs to figure out another way to the apartment unit. Meanwhile, Audrey and the British PM and ’em start to evacuate the station. A lot is happening here, but not a lot is happening here. It is one of the best parts of 24.

-Ian tells Margot that they gotta go, but she wants to stay and watch the missile hit the station. He tries to leave, and she pulls a gun on him. He must have thought, “nah, she wouldn’t do to me what she did to Simone, she didn’t even want to kill her, but I’m special, I’ll be fine”. Yeah, not so much.

-Jack is repelling outside to come in through the window, and Ian gets to shooting at him, but he is terribly overmatched and when he comes to the window, Jack tosses that mufucka out the window like it is nothing and then shoots Margot. While holding Margot with one hand, he manages to override the missile with Chloe’s help with the other hand and send it into the Thames River (I am pretty sure that is the Thames River, don’t get mad at me if I’m wrong because I’m not here for geographical accuracy). Margot tries to guilt Jack and say that people died today and that it was on his hands. He says, “the only death I have on my hands is yours” and proceeds to throw Margot out the window like he was throwing trash in a dumpster. Actually, the trash would probably get more respect.

-Heller asks Belcheck his name and Belcheck tells him it is one word, like Madonna. This dude got jokes now, huh? We still need to see his backstory. Maybe that is another spinoff? He drops Heller off at the embassy and the Secret Service pulls guns on him, and Heller is like, put those fuckin’ things away, he is with me. He should be asking how they got tricked so easily. He reunites with Audrey, Mark and the British PM, who has the scene of the show. He thanks Heller for doing what he did and Heller is like, “I’m sure if the situation was reversed, you would do the same” and the British PM gives him this look like, “I absolutely wouldn’t have done this, you nutcase”.

-Jack is at Margot’s spot, they’re taking everything out when Heller calls Jack to tell him he is safe and everything is cool. Mark gotta be sweatin’ like shit. Kate and Jack shake hands on a job well done, and Kate gets a call from her contact in the British police force, we saw him in the first or second episode. He calls to tell her that Jordan has been found dead in a garage, along with the bullshit assassin, so her and Ritter head there. Kate calls Navarro to tell him and he is like, “Fuck, I’m screwed”. Navarro calls Adrian to tell him what is going on and Adrian is like, “I have nothing to do with this”. Navarro wants to leave the country, but Adrian wants the override device in return. Bam, something to carry us through the last four episodes.

-Kate and Ritter get to the garage where Jordan is, and they’re all putting the pieces together, with Kate grabbing Jordan’s phone. Meanwhile, Jack tells Chloe that he needs her back at the CIA office to look at the override device, but Chloe is like, “I’m done, b”. Jack can’t believe that everyone isn’t about that life like he is. Chloe gets in a car with Adrian, who thanks her. Hell, he wanted the override device….was he just keeping Chloe out there to keep tabs on that?

-Navarro shows Jack to a room with the override device, and he tells him about Jordan, and Jack is like, “hmmmmmmm, something is up, b”. Jack tells Kate that the dude with Jordan is a professional, and gets her to send him a fingerprint. Navarro is like, “we got this” and Jack is like, “okay, it’s a race now”. Jack Bauer is fucking awesome.

-Navarro, Jack and some IT guy are in the room with the override device, and all I am thinking is, “Jack, you better not leave that room”. The IT guy tells Jack that this device is about more than the drones, but then Jack gets a call from Audrey to thank him, aka, he gon’ get dem draws. Then he gets a call from his buddy about the fingerprint, while Navarro puts the IT guy in a sleeperhold. Jack gets the information that the assassin has ties to Navarro, and the lightbulb goes off. However, by that time, Navarro is already gone with the device.Jack gets to some security guard, says “make a sound and I will kill you”, takes his passes and punches him in the face anyway because he is JACK FUCKING BAUER. The chase is on now, and Navarro only makes Jack angrier by shooting at him.

-Chloe and Adrian are at a gas station, while Adrian talks to Navarro and they set up a meeting spot to exchange stuff, override devices, passports, etc.Chloe kisses him, so there is that.

So, three episodes left and still no time jump. I figured Jack had time for a nap or some shit, but Navarro is fuckin’ around now. Did Simone die? She gotta come back. Something doesn’t sit right with me about Chloe, I don’t trust her all of a sudden. But it’s 24, you shouldn’t trust anyone but Jack, EVER.

24: Live Another Day – 6:00 PM to 7:00 PM (Ep.8)

24: Live Another Day rolls on, Still no time skip. At this point, I think this is now a two-series thing, 12 episodes each. What are they gon’ do, just decide to take a terror break for like, 10 hours? I don’t know. Anyway, let’s go……

-I honestly forgot Simone got hit by a bus. Like, HARD. Which makes it even funnier that Jack just dropped her on the ground at the hospital and pressed on that nub.

-Kate and Navarro also don’t seem to realize that SHE GOT HIT BY A MOTHERFUCKING BUS THO.

-Margot says Heller told her he would surrender if she destroyed the drones, and the son is like, the fuck are you doing? He is totally gonna double-cross his mother, who NOW decides to keep her word and have a conscience.

-“If she dies, so be it” – My buddy Mike hit me on Facebook and said there was a candidate for “Best Bauer Quote Ever” in this episode. This is guess #1.

-Navarro gets on the phone with the worst assassin in the world, who has no idea where Jordan is. How the hell did he get out of the water without dude noticing? That trail of blood ain’t good.

-Jack is so down for the cause it is hilarious, even after everything and even knowing that they will throw him in the bushes as soon as this is done.

-The meeting place is Wembley Stadium. SOCCER!

-Heller tells Jack he is resigning in an hour and he even says he won’t be a part of this, until Heller tells him about the Alzheimer’s, and gets all up in Jack’s face. He says Jack would do the same thing in Heller’s shoes and Jack is in for the plan. Shit, Audrey doesn’t even know, which means Jack will get blamed for this somehow.

-Heller goes to Mark to see if he is down with the plan, and damn, this has to be tough on Audrey. Jack and Mark knew about this and no one told her? She is about to lose her mind.

-First “dammit” when Jack calls Kate to tell her about Heller’s plan.

-“We have to find Margot, so wake the bitch up!” – Forget my other guess. It has to be this.

-Kate pulls a gun on the doctor to wake Simone up, and if Jack knew about this, he would be smiling. She does get the address tho, at least the last place Simone thinks she is at and she tells Kate about the disc Naveed told her about at the house. She starts to die and Kate gets on the phone, which is so Bauer.

-Mark needs to stop trying to talk to Jack and just figure out this plan. Jack doesn’t do well with feelings and shit. Just get shit done. Kate tells Jack about the disc and he tells her to call Chloe when she gets something.

-Heller goes to Audrey to look at a picture of his family. She doesn’t even know what is going on. Damn, Heller. She is going to be SO pissed.

-Jack and Mark sort out the plan and Jack tells Heller to meet him in five, talking to the President like a boss.

-Jordan calls Navarro to tell him that someone tried to kill him, telling him his location and everything. I can’t believe Navarro is trusting this terrible assassin.

-Jack cuts out Heller’s transponder chip, these mufuckas makin’ jokes and shit, I didn’t even know these were a thing. If there is another 12-hour joint coming, Jack will do a full-on surgery for one episode.

-They are making their way through the embassy but Jack’s map device is breaking up. He sees a fire exit, and I bet there is someone on the other side. Yep, there is a dude there and Heller tries to talk to him, but Jack punches him in the face and locks him in the bathroom. No time for talking in Jack’s world.

-I wonder how many laws Jack is breaking here? Gotta be at least 10.

-They need a chopper with no pilot? Of course Jack can fly a helicopter, BECAUSE JACK MOTHERFUCKING BAUER. I’m pretty sure we have seen him do this before.

-Navarro’s assassin is still tryna find Jordan. Come on, dogg, Navarro TOLD you exactly where he was. So of course, Jordan smacks fire out him with a crowbar or some shit and grabs the gun, and dude’s other gun. He knows that Navarro is behind this now. He gets stabbed in a fight, but he ends up shooting the assassin as well.

-Jack and Heller are coming up on Wembley, while the SWAT team get to the location Kate told them about. Hopefully this goes better than the first raid. They find a disc drive to be uploaded to Kate, who finds out that Jordan is gone, which she finds weird and she sends the shit to Chloe. Then she calls Jordan and gets no answer before talking to Navarro to ask about Jordan. Navarro tries to change the subject like shit.

-Margot is hiding out in some apartments and getting shit back online, and it seems like the son is all about getting his mother’s approval. She says stuff about justice and he is like, “fuck that, b”. He is a beast.

-Jack lands the chopper outside of Wembley because he is Jack fucking Bauer. Chloe tells Jack she is into the system, but it is going to take a few minutes since she is at a coffee shop talking loudly about drones and shit. That doesn’t seem very bright.

-Adrian calls Navarro to ask if Jordan is dead and Navarro is like, yeah I got this, even though he clearly doesn’t. Then Adrian calls Chloe to ask her to come back, and frowns through the whole conversation. What are they working on? That has to be the next storyline.

-Audrey is in the President’s room and Mark walks in. Heller left Audrey a note, then she realizes that he knew all along. Yep. She is PISSED. This is some terrible acting, but it’s so good in its terribility (it’s a word, look it up). Mark is like, “Do what you gotta do, but I listen to him, not you”. Mark made a turn this episode, I kinda fuck with him now.

-Audrey asks him who is with her father and Mark doesn’t even have to say his name, just someone he trusts. She knows who it is.

-Heller tells Jack he gave him a presidential pardon, and Jack doesn’t agree with it, but he will do whatever he is told. Then we have a split screen of like, 14 different things going on at once. Simone, Audrey, Chloe, Wembley, Jordan, basically 24 summarized in 2.5 seconds.

-Wembley! Soccer!

-Heller stands in the middle of the pitch and waits for something to happen, while Margot sees that it is him. She recognizes him, but does she fire the missile?

-Well. Shit. Goddamn. Shit. Motherfucker. That really just happened.

I’m still tryna wrap my head around what happened. We all thought he was going to get away, right? Jack is about to go all the way off now. 24: Live Another Day just went up a notch.

Game Of Thrones S04E10 – The Children

So, here we are, the season finale of Game Of Thrones. I’ve been waiting for this all season, and they gave us like, 10 extra minutes? No introduction needed. Let’s go…..

-Jon Snow has a lot of trust in Mance’s people. Just walking up with no sword, no knives, no wolves, like shit is sweet in these Northern snowy streets, but he gets his sitdown with Don Rayder.

-They drink to Ygritte because apparently Mance has some sort of heart under there, but Jon can’t handle what Mance is drinking on. At least Mance says straight up he wouldn’t poison him, and he gives Jon’s man props for killing the last giant. There is some respect among warriors.

-Mance just wants to hide behind the Wall, and dammit, winter is coming….Mance knows all about these white walkers. Just then, a sound is made and the calvary is coming. Who is it?

-Stannis comes through with a whole bunch of mufuckas from both sides, and they are not playing games. Looks like he got the money for his army from the Iron Bank. The aerial view of them rushing Mance’s spot is amazing. I wonder what that looked like on the big screens at the movie theatres this was airing at?

-Stannis and Davos roll up on some gangsta shit like, what up Mance? And what the fuck was that one dude thinking rollin’ up on Stannis like he was gon’ do something?

-Mance doesn’t kneel for anyone, we discover. Tough guy.

-Jon introduces himself to Stannis…..he gets some mercy for Mance, who gets taken away and tells Stannis to burn all the bodies of the dead before winter comes.

-The Mountain is being kept alive by some new maester as Cersei watches, and the old maester, Pycelle, is seemingly gettin’ thrown in the bushes. Is the Mountain even worth saving? Cersei seems to think so because I’m sure she has some evil doing for him to do when he gets better. He says the process may change him; it won’t weaken him. Are we getting Robo-Mountain?

-Cersei goes to holla at Tywin about marrying Loras and she isn’t having it, but Tywin gives no fucks about what she wants. Cersei has some balls about her though. She has already lost Joffrey, her daughter has long been gone (I forgot she was even a thing) and she is getting shipped off while Tywin and Margaery fight over Tommen. Then she threatens him with the shit between her and Jaime. He has always had to know, hasn’t he? It is almost like he wants her to say it, but she does and he still denies it. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Tywin shook, that I can remember anyway.

-Cersei goes to find Jaime, who gets pissed because of the whole Tyrion thing because trying to kill your brother for causing your mother’s death isn’t a big deal, even though it wasn’t really his fault. She kisses him, so we’re about to get some incest lovin’. Hopefully it isn’t rape this time. Alex Graves directed the first rapey episode, the third joint of the season (“Breaker Of Chains“) and he gets this one as well (the fourth of the season for Mr. Graves), so maybe this is him making up for that fuckery. Damn, this is creepy.

-She tells Jaime that he told Tywin about them and Jaime is like, “the fuck?”. Her love for Jaime would be so much less disturbing if they weren’t brother and sister and he wasn’t railing her on a table.

-Dany is still getting through the list of 200-something people who want to talk to her. Some old man rolls up on her like, “Um, can I be a slave again?”. Turns out being free isn’t all it is cracked up to be for the older people. Dany is much better at conquering a city than actually ruling it. She does eventually agree to it. Then another dude rolls up with his dead baby, which was burned by one of the dragons. Dany has been so busy trying to figure out how to be a ruler that the dragons have gotten out of hand. That dragon burned the holy shit outta that three-year-old baby. She doesn’t even know where one of the dragons is. Child services about to roll up on Dany, jeez.

-She goes down to the catacombs where the other two dragons are and puts them in chains, ironically for someone who calls herself the “Breaker of Chains”. But Jorah’s bitch ass called it earlier: you can’t tame a dragon, much less three dragons. When they realize what is going on, those dragons are PISSED. Can you put dragons on timeout? How does that even work?

-They do end up burning the bodies of the Night’s Watch like Jon suggested, and we see a few faces from the battle. While the flames are burning, Jon looks through them to see Melisandre, who has some sort of sinister plans on the go, obviously. She does love her some fire.

-Jon goes to visit Thormund, who is locked up on some Akon shit. Thormund asks Jon if he loved Ygritte, who loved her because all she talked about was killing him. That’s some mufuckin’ true love right there. He also says she belongs in the north, so Jon takes Ygritte’s body there to burn her. RIP Ygritte….I’ll miss your redheaded crazy ass.

-Bran and company are walking through the snow, and Jojen looks like he is about to pass out. He eventually falls, but they make it to that damn tree they keep seeing. But that tree has some protection in the form of crazy skeleton-ass mufuckas coming up out of the ground as they approach said tree. I have no idea if this happens in the book, but I don’t care because this is fucking cool. Bran gets saved by his wolf, then goes into Hodor’s body and Hodor goes into Hodor mode, straight stylin’ on mufuckas. Meera (who I kept wanting to call Osha, who is somewhere with Rickon) is holding her own as well. One of the skeleton dudes stabs the shit outta Jojen, while two skeletons are running after Bran, but some little girl starts throwing some firebombs at mufuckas and tells them to follow her. I think we have seen her before. Meera slits Jojen’s throat so he doesn’t feel any pain and the crew follow the little girl into some cave where the skeleton things can’t pass through.

-The little girl says she is part of the Children; simple enough, right? She tells Bran that some “he” waits for him, and it turns out that he is the three-eyed raven Bran has been looking for this entire time. Jojen knew everything that was going to happen, including his death. Bran asks if he will walk again and dude is like, “Yeah, nah, but you will fly”. That seems like it’ll be something to look forward to next season. Hodor will be happy that he doesn’t have to drag around this giant kid anymore.

-Brienne wakes Pod da Gawd up to find their horses gone, and Pod just can’t get this squire thing down pat. She wanders around to find Arya practicing her sword skills, and Arya tells the Hound to stop shitting (nah, he was actually poopin’ tho) and see what is up. The Hound is like, “This better be important, I was busy”, and Brienne figures out who Arya is. She tells her the story of how she swore to Catelyn that she would bring Arya home, and the Hound thinks she is there for the bounty on him. He knows right away that the sword she has was given to her by a Lannister.

-The Hound is actually trying to protect her, which is endearing considering that they both hate each other on the low. The fight is on and I know one of my favorite characters is going to die either way because the way these two get down, someone gotta die. I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen in the book, but again, no fucks are given. This fight ends up being a top-ten moment in Game of Thrones history to date. They fuck each other up, the Hound fights dirty, and squeezes her sword to show he is insane. He kicks her in the ass and headbutts her, and she bites his ear off. This is one of the most brutal TV fights ever, but Brienne eventually gets the upper hand and throws him off a cliff.

-Meanwhile, no one knows where Arya is, Pod has lost her because well, Pod is a terrible squire, but she hides and eventually goes to the Hound, who is asking her in a roundabout way to kill him because he is going to die anyway. He does everything he can to goad her into killing him, but Arya won’t, which is more heartless than if she had done it. He does tell her to go find Brienne because she can protect Arya’s stubborn ass. Arya says, “Nah, I’ma just rob you and be out”, but she does like she feels just a little bad for him. The stone-cold look on her face is pretty good; Arya about to be on some Kill Bill shit and I’m okay with that. I’m very conflicted about this. She should have shown him some mercy. He saved her more than a few times. But she’s well on her way to being a badass.

-Am I wrong for having the smallest inkling that the Hound survives? We don’t see him actually die, and I’ve watched enough TV to know that no one is dead until you see them die. Look at his friggin’ brother who is about to be turned into Franken-Mountain. I mean, he probably is, but I don’t think I am being crazy.

-Finally, we arrive at Tyrion’s cell, where Jaime is breaking him out with Varys’ help. The two say some quick farewells and share a hug, and Tyrion looks up the stairs, but he decides he has something to do first. He sneaks into where he thinks Tywin is, and we see his bed, but who is in it? Oh, that would be Shea. Apparently she is going to become the first hoe in history to become a housewife, by hook or by crook (that needs to be a thesis or a study of some sort). The two wrestle over a knife, which eventually gets thrown and he ends up strangling the shit outta her through his tears, and he manages to say, “I’m sorry” a couple times. Yeah, I had a good little chuckle about that. Tyrion, ever so polite…..until he sees the crossbow anyway.

-He finds Tywin in the bathroom (which seems to be a theme of this episode: if you shit, you die). Tywin tries to talk Tyrion down and guesses that it was Jaime that released him. Tywin admits he wanted Tyrion dead, but he admires that he wouldn’t die and says he wasn’t gon’ let them execute him, which is some of the biggest bullshit we’ve heard on Game of Thrones to date. Tyrion tells him that he loved Shea, but he just killed her and Tywin is like, “whatever, she was a whore”, which is the wrong thing to say to someone with a crossbow.  You gotta admire Tywin’s arrogance, he absolutely thinks that Tyrion wouldn’t kill him and all he had to do was NOT call ol’ girl a whore. But Tywin calls Shea a whore again and catches an arrow to the chest, and now he is like, “Oh shit, this is real now”. Tyrion hits him with another arrow and walks away. He gets to Varys, who is like, “The fuck did you do?”. He puts Tyrion on a box which is going on a ship to God knows where, as long as it isn’t King’s Landing, I guess. Varys hears bells ringing, which seems to be some sort of alarm because people have probably found Tywin and Shea’s bodies. He’s like, “yeah, fuck going back there, I’ma just stay on this ship, b”.

-Arya is walking along with her horse, chillin’, and she sees a ship going somewhere, but it isn’t the same shit Tyrion is on. She talks her way onto the ship finds out the ship is going to Braavos. So she is on her way again, this time by herself. Let’s see what you got, girl.

And thus wraps up the best season to date of Game Of Thrones, by a wide, wide margin. People we loved and hated (often, at the same damn time) died viciously, we got some incredible acting performances from basically the entire cast (I honestly can’t decide on an MVP, but I’m leaning towards Peter Dinklage for that speech at the trial and the finale), we still have enough to leaving asking questions about next season and many things to speculate on. I stopped reading after the third book, so I’m back to not knowing what is going on like the rest of y’all (or most of y’all). All I know is that there are some new people coming and we’ll be missing a few old faces, but they left out Sansa and Littlefinger over the last two episodes, so I figure they’ll play a major role in season 5. I assume Cersei won’t be happy about Tyrion being released by Jaime, but with Tywin out of the picture, she can do what she wants now, in theory.

Man, that was fun. I’ma miss doing this every week. Until next season, folks. Thank you so much for reading my rambles, and I’ll try to do better for season 5 of Game Of Thrones.

Before I go, I wanted to shout out the four Game Of Thrones recaps I listened to on a weekly basis: Fiyastarter, The Black Guy Who Tips, A Cast Of Kings and The Bald Move Game Of Thrones Podcast (they do have a site, I need to remember to update this link). They all do other non-GoT stuff as well and you would make your life better by checking them out.

24: Live Another Day – 5:00 PM to 6:00 PM ET (Ep.7)

The action continues in 24: Live Another Day, and we are at the point where people are FINALLY starting to just listen to Jack Bauer, which is what you need to do in order to avoid mass casualties. Oh, and we have like, 14 moles up in this bitch. Moles on moles on moles. Let’s go….

-We jump right back to the scene of the bus accident, where Simone’s niece tells the police that Simone killed her mother. No hesitation to snitch at all.

-Back at the warehouse where Jack kicked a buncha ass last week, he frees Belcheck, who was taken into custody by MI-5, but Jack isn’t havin’ it and tells ’em they weren’t supposed to be there in the first place, which he is right about. Speaking of snitching, I suppose he’ll have to tell the President about this. Jack then goes to Kate, who doesn’t look at all like she’d just been tortured and killed two guys with her hands tied behind her back.

-Chloe finds out via surveillance that Simone was hit by a bus and tells Jack, but then she gets a message on her computer to “GET OUT OF THERE”. The British police are on their way up to her hideout. Who is tipping her off? That Alex cat?

-President Heller is conversing with his bitch-ass Chief of Staff before he gets a phone call from Jack, who brings him up to speed, especially about MI-5 kickin’ in the door on his operation. The British PM shows up and Heller gives him the business, to which the British PM is like, “Yo, you sick, bruh?”, confronting him on his dementia. Heller puts up a brave face on some “BITCH, I’M THE PRESIDENT” shit, but it doesn’t look like the British PM is convinced. He still agrees to go along with Heller, but don’t sleep on the double-cross.

-Margot calls Simone’s phone and dude in the ambulance answers, basically telling Margot everything that happened and where they are headed. So much for Jack’s earlier plan to keep Simone’s location on the low. Margot sends a dude to find out everything he knows about Simone, who is leading the “you gon’ die” sweepstakes for this episode.

-The CIA nerd, Jordan I think, he is looking through the files Navarro told him to avoid, when Navarro gets a phone call from the disguised voice he was speaking to at the end of last week’s episode. The voice tells him what is going on and to get rid of Jordan, and we learn that the mole is…….Alex, Chloe’s dude. Navarro asks Alex for a “cleaner”….Jordan jumps into the “you gon’ die” race.

-Jack and Kate arrive at the hospital to get the info on Simone, who is still in critical condition. Kate goes to talk to the young daughter, while Jack tells the doctor to stabilize Simone so he can question her. Torture in a hospital bed? I fucks with it. Meanwhile, the guy Margot sent is also at the hospital, tryin’ on these scrubs to blend in.

-Kate is talking to the daughter, who gives her the entire scoop on everything that happened. She learns that Simone has been going with “Shabazz” instead of her real name, and that Simone was trying to get them out of London, and the daughter wants Simone to die. Kate believes they can make Simone turn as she was trying to warn them, and Jack is like, “yo, we gotta wake her up NOW”. Poor Simone. She is fucked either way, because Margot is going to kill her before she tries to betray her again. She orders the house packed up and her son is like, “you ain’t gotta kill her”, but Margot points a drone towards the hospital. Tough love, my friends.

-Navarro brings Jordan into his office, and he comes up with some story about Jordan needing to go into the field to pick something up. Jordan is all “I’M IN THE FIELD, BITCH”, but he shouldn’t be so excited. I bet someone murderous is waiting for him.

-Mark and Audrey watch the British PM on TV warning his citizens about a terrorist attack, when Heller walks in and tells them the PM knows about his condition. He decides that, when they return to the United States, Mark has to set up a meeting with the Vice-President (who I don’t think we’ve even seen yet). It seems like Heller is resigning from his post.

-Jack wakes up Simone to get some info, and she recognizes him from the chase earlier in the season. Simone isn’t budging, so Jack puts pressure on her severed finger. Kate looks disgusted, but I have no idea why she is surprised. Jack JUST let her get tortured on the chance they MIGHT get information. He even tries to justify it with Kate, but man, fuck that. All bets are off. Margot’s dude finds his way to Simone’s floor, but Jack sees through his disguise easy and the gunfight is on.

-They catch the dude, but British police shoot and kill the man. Jack drops “DAMMIT” #1. They find out that he has been in contact with Margot, and they figure out that she is going to send a drone to the hospital, which needs to be cleared now. Kate goes to find the little girl.

-Chloe is in a coffee shop, setting up her laptop. Jack must have send her numbers from the phone they found on dude, but it’s a dead end. “DAMMIT” #2. Something doesn’t seem right with Chloe: she in on this shit with Alex?

-Jack drags Simone out of the hospital, and she doesn’t want to go, but she eventually says “yeah, my mom would totally kill me” and goes with Jack. Kate finds the little girl and everyone meets outside. Margot and her son see that people are evacuating the hospital and the first drone is sent. Shit is now officially ON.

-Jack, Kate and Simone find a car, but Margot sees them and another drone is sent. So now, Jack is on some Grand Theft Auto shit, outrunning drone missiles. We see the carnage that the first missile caused at the hospital, while Simone has no idea what is going on. He outruns another missile. This mufucka, b. They have one more missile left, but Jack gets stuck in traffic and drops “DAMMIT” #3 and #4 in no time. They get out of the car and we have my favorite moment of the episode: while looking for another car, Jack says to Kate, “follow my lead”….and then proceeds to punch a dude in the face. That’s his lead? That’s why I fucks with Jack Bauer.

-They continue on and they go into a tunnel, and they stop a dude in a car, take that shit and try to get Simone to the nearest CIA office. But they take the second vehicle, put a brick on the gas and trick Margot into wasting her last missile. Jack Bauer, dogg. Jack motherfucking Bauer.

-Jordan arrives at the the location where Navarro told him to go, and catches a slug to the arm, falling into the water. The assassin waits for him to come up, but eventually leaves. You know the dude isn’t dead, right?

-Mark meets up with the Russians and tells them that they’re not getting Jack until this situation is over. The Russian guy figures out that it was Mark that forged the President’s signature and he knows Jack’s history with Audrey, and that he doesn’t have much time to turn Jack over. These Russians are not playin’, b.

-Heller watches the shit going down at the hospital and calls Jack, who tells him that they have Simone and will get the info he needs. Heller says he wants to see Jack immediately, and he receives Margot’s contact information. What is Heller doing? Son changin’ sweaters on some Mister Roger’s Neighborhood shit?

-We get split-screens of Margot looking at pictures of her and Simone, and all I see is Catelyn and Sansa Stark. Shit is creepy. Also, we see Jordan get outta the water and looking in some discomfort that comes with getting shot.

-Heller gets on the horn with Margot, and I have no idea what Heller is planning. No one but the dude that gave him Margot’s number (dude is now in the running to be a mole, because we need MORE moles on 24) knows he is calling her, and the show ends with Heller saying, “my decision has already been made”. No clue what he has planned.

So, I doubt Jack will have to seriously torture Simone now, but he’ll probably give her a little nudge in the right direction. Will the Russians be patient? When is this time skip going to go down? At this point, I don’t know how they’re going to manage that. But it’s 24. They’ll figure it out.

Game Of Thrones S04E09 – The Watchers On The Wall

So, here we are, the ninth episode of Game Of Thrones. Episode 9 is generally where people get their minds blown, both viewers and characters: ___________ in Season 1 (you should know who I mean, I did this for the Facebook people who can see the first couple of lines; don’t tell me I don’t try to spoil shit from y’all, even though it goes against my entire spoiler philosophy), the Battle of Blackwater in Season 2, the Red Wedding in Season 3. Season 4’s offering is “The Watchers On The Wall”, the battle between the Night’s Watch and Mance Rayder’s crew, and it is the first episode since “Blackwater”  where they only focus on one storyline. It is directed by Neil Marshall, who also did the “Blackwater” joint, and if there is one thing this guy knows how to do, it is direct massive fight scenes. So, we know people will die, but will we care? Should we care? Let’s go…….

-It was weird not seeing Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey’s names to begin the opening sequence. They really could have just left it at the Wall as well, no need for everything else, but it’s already paid for, so might as well.

-Sam tries to pick Jon’s brain about what it is like to be in love, or be loved back, and with the “red hair”, he obviously meant Ygritte. The Jon/Ygritte reunion is the only thing I’m looking forward to. She shot the shit outta him, man. But shoutout to Sam for finding loopholes in the Night’s Watch manifesto; they can’t take a wife, but they can do other stuff. A handjob never hurt no one, hasn’t it?

-The wildlings and the cannibals are chillin’ just outside of the Wall, with one of the cannibals communicating with an owl on top of said wall. The main cannibal starts to get on Ygritte, saying she won’t have the heart to kill Jon Snow, then she tells everyone that she got him and an arrow for anyone who tries to get in the way. Gotta admire her heart, though.

-Sam is found in the library by Maester Aemon, and I keep forgetting about his pedigree. Outside of Daenerys, Aemon is the last living Targaryen, but he threw his lineage in the bushes to join the Night’s Watch, which probably saved his life since the rest of his family was killed. I wonder if he’ll stay alive long enough to meet his great-niece Dany, who could probably use some of his cool-headed advice.

-After learning that Aemon could have been a playa back in the day, Sam finds Gilly at the doors of Castle Black, and you get the idea that Sam would have really fucked that dude up if he wouldn’t have opened the door. Or at least he would have tried. Then they hear that sound Gilly heard before shit got real last week (or a similar sound, hell, they all mean the same thing): DEM BOYS COMIN’.

-That is one big-ass fire. Mance Rayder did say he would light one when dem boys comin’. He was not playin’.

-Allister finally decides to admit to Jon that, MAYBE, they should have listened to him and blocked off the tunnel when they had the chance. Ol’ “hindsight is 20/20” ass….too busy being an arrogant prick, which he still is by the end of his little speech.

-Sam takes Gilly to some room where she’ll be safe, and she doesn’t seem to understand that he has to go and help his boys. She has NO confidence in his fighting abilities, but don’t forget, he killed a White Walker. Then he slips her the tongue, and after that, Sam is ready to go outchea in these streets and kill everything. He even promises Gilly that he won’t die, because that is an easy promise to make in Game Of Thrones.

-Sam also has to keep Pyp calm because he is freakin’ out about never being in a battle, and it seems like this is Sam’s episode to step up and prove his manhood, which he has been trying to do since we met him. All of a sudden, Sam is ’bout that life, and I am completely okay with that.

-The shot from the Wall to the advancing wildling/cannibal army was great, and then you get GIANTS ON WOOLLY MAMMOTHS. Visually, this is as incredible as any scenes we’ve ever seen in Game Of Thrones.

-Allister tries to rally the troops, and one of them drops a barrel before the instructions are given. I think this was done to highlight the idea that the Night’s Watch aren’t really a trained group of fighters, these are just dudes who were criminals or banished for some reason, and they’re kinda fucked in terms of this battle. Allister decides to go down and join the fight at the south gate, and we also realize that these archers aren’t going to let go of their arrows until they’re told.

-Meanwhile, Ygritte is straight wreckin’ shop at the south gate with her arrows. Pyp can’t hit anything with his arrows. More on these two later.

-Say what you want about Allister being a dick, but he gets all kinds of busy on the battlefield.

-Janos Slynt basically tells the Night’s Watch that they ain’t shit, and he tries to give some orders, but he isn’t ’bout this life in the slightest. He gets sent downstairs on a lie and now Jon has to lead the troops at the top, which is a much better idea. But the archers at the top are holding their own, taking out wildlings who are attempting to climb the Wall, which is also visually stunning. One wildling tries to shoot up at the top of the Wall and fails miserably, so a Giant gets down on a knee and shows him how to do it. Giants, b……GIANTS.

-SO MUCH KILLING GOING ON. Seriously, people are dying everywhere on both sides. Ygritte seems like she is in a video game. Janos is runnin’ on some bitchmade shit and looks for somewhere to hide. He finds the room that Gilly is in.

-Pyp finally manages to hit someone with an arrow….and then catches one of Ygritte’s arrows through the neck. Yeah, that was bound to happen.

-The Giant takes the Woolly Mammoth to the door, and they proceed with a plan to take down the tunnel which Jon recommended they seal. The plan: punch a hole in the door, get some hooks on that bitch, hook them up to the mammoth and pull like shit. Those are all technical terms. Jon tells Grenn to take five men down to that gate and protect it. FIVE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

-Allister meets up with one of the main wildlings, I think he was always the one tryna tell Ygritte that Jon Snow wasn’t shit. Anyway, they have a solid battle and Allister gets the worst of it, then he gets dragged off-screen. The wildling’s name is Tormund, says Wiki. I really don’t have time for all these names.

-Sam is killin’ cannibals (Thenns, as it were, but y’all know who I mean) en route to Jon, and he runs into a child, Ollie, who we have seen before but I’m not sure from when. He is a mess because he has seen far too much killing for a child to see, and Sam tells him to get a weapon. Meanwhile, the boys up top drop some flaming barrels on the mammoth at the gate to halt that plan. They also manage to kill a Giant, which pisses off another Giant, who says fuck it and decides to straight up lift the door to the tunnel.

-Jon passes off the top of the Wall to some dude whose name I should remember, but I just told you how I feel about names. He tells Sam to go let Ghost loose to get his wolf on, and Jon decides to enter the battle.

-Grenn and his five dudes are watching this Giant open the door and they’re like, “how in the fuck are we supposed to stop this?”. One guy tries to run, but Grenn stops him and starts reciting the Night’s Watch vows while this Giant starts to run towards them. Another visually exceptional shot as they switch to Jon giving Sam the go-ahead to get Ghost.

-Jon obviously starts kicking ass since he is the closest thing Game Of Thrones has left to a hero. Then we get a truly amazing one-track shot that takes us through all of the killing from Jon to Ygritte, which is where this battle is going to end up at. Come on, you knew it was coming, right? By the way, I’m not sure if “one-track shot” is the technical term, but again, I trust you know what I’m sayin’.

-Jon and the main Thenn (his name is Styr? I thought Styx for some reason) and they get to fighting. Ygritte spots this, and Jon is gettin’ his ass KICKED by Styr, but Jon gets him with a hammer after spitting blood in his face. While I’m not the biggest Jon Snow fan in the world, he might have the best kills of the season between this and shoving the sword through the back of the head of that Karl asshole.

-Jon then turns around to see Ygritte, who has him dead to rights if she would just pull the bow. But she hesitates and catches an arrow from the Ollie kid, and what did we learn last week with Oberyn? When you have a chance to kill someone on Game Of Thrones, you do it. Jon and Ygritte have a moment, and she repeats the “you know nothing, Jon Snow” line before she dies. Is no one noticing this in the middle of a big-ass bloody war? No? Okay then.

-At the top of the Wall, an order is given to drop some unholy hell on mufuckas. This was probably my favorite scene of the episode. There is a massive blade hiding in the Wall, and then a drop is cut, it basically sweeps through everyone trying to climb up the side of said Wall. In an episode full of cool things, this was the coolest. After that, the wildling/cannibal army is like, you know what? We’re good for the night.

-Jon gives the order for his men to take Thormund, put him in chains and they’ll question him later. They really should kill him. This will come back to bite them. What did I JUST say two points ago?

-The gathering of the bodies begins, and Sam goes to show Gilly he is alright, then he gets excited because they held the Wall, but Jon scales that back. Jon comes up with a plan: go find Mance and kill him because without his leadership, the group of wildlings will scatter. This sounds like a terrible plan, which Jon acknowledges, but then he asks Sam: “What’s your plan?”. He has a point.

-They stumble upon Grenn and his dead crew, but they did manage to kill the Giant to keep him from getting through the tunnel. Well done, boys. They were never gon’ come out of that alive, but they did what they needed to do.

-Jon wanders out into the wilderness to start his Mance-finding mission, but he gives his sword to Sam. So, how exactly does he plan to do this with no weapon and thousands of wildlings and cannibals and Giants and Mammoths? We probably won’t see until next season.

-Seriously though, what happened to Allister?

So, Episode 9 was entertaining when it came to visual effects and it was just cool to look at. But I was never a Jon Snow fan and the whole Castle Black storyline never excited me, so it was a little underwhelming in that respect; that said, it is important to the story as a whole and I guess it was a nice change of pace since we’re used to the “good guys” always dying in Game Of Thrones. Overall, it was a fine episode, but not spectacular. Still, “fine” for this show blows most of the others out of the water.

Next week, we get the finale, which I expect to be a game-changer. We will probably deal with the Lannisters, and figure out what’s good with Tyrion. Littlefinger and Sansa might start to get their Bonnie and Clyde on, and are Arya and the Hound going to enter the Vale, where the sisters will meet again? I assume we’ll see Bran chasing this damn raven, and Dany probably has a city to sack, so we gotta see dem dragons again, right? Come on, HBO, give us an extra 10 minutes next week? Game Of Thrones deserves it. Buckle up, folks: the finale is going to shake shit up.


24: Live Another Day – 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM (Ep.6)

We reach the halfway point of 24: Live Another Day at a critical point. I’m still wondering about the time change because there are only six episodes left, but 18 hours in 24 time. Is everyone just gon’ stop and go to sleep for eight hours at some point? Is Jack finally going to get let off the leash? Let’s go…..

-Navarro and Ritter aren’t dead, I didn’t think they were. President Heller and the British PM just figured out it was an ambush, but hindsight is a bitch. The Americans aren’t endearing themselves to their hosts at all, and the British request all the information on the drones, to which the general doesn’t have a choice but to hand them over.

-Heller calls Jack to his office, and it’s about damn time. Meanwhile, the blond British lady, Caroline is her name, tells the PM about Heller’s condition….I knew there was something about her when I first saw her.

-Heller agrees to give Jack full autonomy to do his thing. He calls Navarro to let Jack go and he know he wants Kate working with her. It’s like she is getting promoted to the big leagues, but working with Jack Bauer? You might end up dead, or worse.

-Simone’s brother questions his sister’s devotion to the cause and gets a slap in the face for it. But he has a point because Margot goes straight to Simone, who is watching the boys wrap up Naveed’s body. She didn’t even have a choice in this, and killing Naveed in front of her might have been the worst move Margot has made so far.

-They see that Naveed called his sister to say they were leaving London, and Margot freaks out, ordering Simone to go and find out what she knows. “If she knows stuff, kill her” is the basic idea. If Margot is willing to kill this many people over her husband and a handful of others, and cut off her daughter’s finger, there is no telling what she will do.

-Jack got his artillery….shit is about to go down. Mark goes to visit Jack and tells him to stay away from Audrey. Two things: one, you better get outta Jack’s face because you have no idea who you are messin’ with and two, Jack is busy saving the world (AGAIN), leave that man alone and let him cook.

-Jack then calls Chloe and Belcheck to make a plan, and we switch to the British PM getting a call from Heller, who tells him to hold off on sending the army into the streets right now because Jack has a plan. The British PM knows who Jack is and is pretty skeptical of it all.  Caroline gets in his ear again. I don’t like the cut of her jib.

-Kate meets up with Jack,and he learns about her husband and Kate’s bitterness towards herself for letting it happen. Bitter towards yourself? Jack knows something about that.

-Mark goes to see Audrey about her visiting Jack, and he tells her Jack said he’ll be gone soon. Mark is so damn insecure about this. There are WAY more important things to deal with right now and like Jack said, he’ll either end up dead or in jail at the end of this (50% chance, anyway). Selfish bastard. Ain’t no one tryna worry about you right now.

-Mark gets a call from the Russians, who get an order from Heller to take Jack, the one that Mark forged in Ep.1 or 2. Mark is like, “Slow down, homie, we kinda need him right now”, but the dude wants Jack bad. Mark buys some time and sets up a meeting, but the Russian guy knows something is up. See where being insecure gets you?

– Jack lays out the plan: he needs Kate to be a pawn for Karl Rask, who knows Margot, but the guy wants him dead because Jack tried to pull a fast one on him. Kate might have to get tortured until Jack gets the information he needs. Nothing like some good ol’ 24 torture. The liquid pain with Chloe was just the appetizer. He wants to inject her with something to make her pass out, and she is down with the plan. This chick is fuckin’ nuts: Kate and Jack HAVE to end up together, but I get the feeling one of them will die when this is over.

-The CIA nerd, Jordan, finds some information pertaining to Kate’s husband’s case, and he wants to do more digging, but Navarro puts him off on some “we busy right now” shit. What’s this shit about now? 24 just doesn’t throw this shit out there for no reason.

-Simone meets up with the sister to find out what she knows, and her niece comes to give her a hug. Her conscience is getting destroyed right now.

-The British PM and Caroline, via surveillance, find Jack and they see him putting a passed-out Kate in the trunk, so instead of telling the Americans, they decide to handle it themselves. This won’t end well. The Americans are doing a good enough job of screwing it up already, do you really need more cooks in the kitchen?

-Jack gets to Rask, who is out $200,000 and one of his men, who Jack concocts a story about being a rat (it was really Jack) and takes some lumps for it. They get Kate out of the trunk, but they have something to counter the drug Jack stuck her with. How convenient….fuck did Jack get Kate into? We learn Belcheck has tracked them and is pointing a sniper rifle at them.

-Simone tells Margot that Naveed’s sister doesn’t know anything, but Margot is like “Fuck that, kill them all, everyone”. Margot does not give a third of a fuck about anyone. Simone gets a dinner invite, so shit is about to go down.

-Speaking of, Kate gets woken and chained up, and they want to know what she told their guy (Jack’s story) to make him snitch. We see the tools of torture getting laid out, and this is NOT going to end well for Kate, who gets slashed on the leg for starters. Any other show, you would think that she is getting rescued, but not 24; this is going to get rough. She is probably having second thoughts right about now, and if she isn’t, she does when she gets doused with water and the jumper cables come out. Kate gets the dogshit shocked out of her, Belcheck is like, “Y’all need to hurry the fuck up”.

-Jack is put through the ringer by Rask, who wants to know who helped Jack set up the account his money is supposedly in. Chloe can’t find the name in the employees’ section, so she tells Jack that Rask is bluffing, which he is.

-Side note: Jack got frisked….no one saw the earpiece? These villains ain’t shit.

-The drill comes out now and Belcheck tells Jack they’re going to kill Kate, but he gets gun-butted by a British MI-5 agent. They’re about to raid Rask. Kate looks in all sorts of pain, good Jesus.

-Rask thinks he is extracting money, but he is really doing is allowing Jack and Chloe to access their network and get information on Margot. Kate is pleading for her life in the other room, or at least buying some time. Right before Rask hits enter, MI-5 rush in, just before Kate is about to get a drill in the forehead. She ends up attacking the dude and stabbing him in the back, with all with her hands tied behind her back. Hmmmmm….she should get her own series.

-Jack fights his way to hit enter on the computer and succeeds, because he is Jack fucking Bauer, while Kate avoids getting shot (who knows HOW she got her hands free) and shoots the second guy. Yeah, they’re lining her up for a spinoff if Jack dies.

-Jack gets to Rask, but MI-5 get involved and ruin everything, and Rask takes a grenade and blows himself up; some murder-suicide action in the house.

-Chloe tracks the bank account to Simone’s phone number, and she is getting ready to have dinner with the sister. She pulls out the knife, but first she tries to warn the sister and tells her to take her daughter and get the fuck outta dodge. The sister knows something is up and goes to call the police, but Simone stops her and in the struggle, kills her, of course. The young daughter sees this and runs outta the house, and I think she is going to get hit in traffic, but instead it is Simone. She basically falls right into the police’s lap. I see a torturin’ in her future.

-Navarro goes to a quiet place and calls an obviously-masked voice to tell them about Jordan finding some issues with Kate’s husband’s case. Turns out Navarro was most likely the mole who sold the secrets to the Chinese that her husband was accused of Of course he was. Because, 24: There Is ALWAYS a mole.

I got my wish, as this episode sets everything off. All we needed was undercover Jack to get things poppin’, but the British are getting in the way, now the Russians are getting involved, who knows where the Navarro thing is going to go and I still wanna know Belcheck’s backstory. 24: Live Another Day is starting to come into focus now.

Game Of Thrones S04E08 – The Mountain And The Viper

After the Memorial Day break, Game Of Thrones returns for their homestretch with “The Mountain And The Viper”, which is pretty self-explanatory, but it is safe to say that a lot of other stuff happens. This might be the most packed 54 minutes of the season, which has been, I gotta say, just superb. Let’s go……….

-We open with a prostitute who can burp songs like “The Rains Of Castamere” and “The Bear And The Maiden Fair”. How much does she go for? And are they the only songs we ever hear in this show?

-Then she goes to harass Gilly for no reason, and Gilly hears something coming. The wildlings and the cannibals are here. Ygritte is going so damn hard, but she does let Gilly live and tells her to keep quiet. At least she got to kill that mean prostitute. The blood pouring through the cracks in the floor was fuckin’ cool.

-At Castle Black, Sam is worried that Gilly is dead because he took her there, but what did he expect? Dogg, you took her to a brothel. She did survive a buncha shit (Craster, a walk to the Wall, etc), so she might have made it. Jon figures out that they’re next. 102 people against 100,000….the odds don’t look good for the Night’s Watch.

-The Unsullied are in a river bathing, but so is Missandei and some other girls. It was wonderful. He gets caught staring, but Dany’s girl kinda likes it. But he has no junk though, so……I guess I’m equating the idea of having the sex with the emotions he obviously feels for her (go back to the episode when she was teaching him to read), but don’t we all?

-Dany is apparently a hairdresser as well as she is helping Missandei; a woman of many hats. They try to figure out how/why Grey Worm was interested in seeing the goods, then they wonder if the whole package (“the pillar and the stones”, says Dany) are gone. Missandei wants the Unsullied D, or the lack of D. She wants something, dammit. His mouth does work….I’m just sayin’ (side note: this is the first time in the history of life I’ve used the phrase, “just sayin'”. I generally think it’s friggin’ stupid).

-Grey Worm is putting in some extra work, learning some new words like “precious”, and he says he doesn’t mind getting cut, because he wouldn’t be Unsullied and he wouldn’t have met her. He’ll be face deep in her by the end of the season.

-Ramsey gets Theon ready to go to Moat Cailin and Theon/Reek does a terrible Theon impression as the Ironborn dude doesn’t buy it. The whole place looks like malaria.

-The Ironborn guy calls Theon a woman and a whipped dog. Son spits blood in his face. Someone gotta die after that, don’t they?

-YUP. The fellow Ironborn dude with the ax is like, “We gon’ live, right? Cool. Just keep that crazy mufucka away from us”. Was Theon gon tell him the truth before he got his wig split?

-Yeah, Ramsey killed and burned ALL those mufuckas, b.

-Littlefinger is standing before a jury of people who are tryna figure out what happened to Lysa, and they are straight shittin’ on dude, saying he was licking Tywin Lannister’s boots. They absolutely think he was in on Lysa dying, and they bring in Sansa, who has every opportunity to tell the real truth about Littlefinger, but she finally decides to play the game. Whether she is doing it right or wrong is a different story, but at least Sansa is playing the game after being a pawn for so damn long. Sophie Turner overacts the shit outta this scene, but you know what? It works because it seems like something Sansa would do when she finally decides to step into the game of thrones.

-Littlefinger now wants to use Robin’s power at the Vale to fight the Lannisters, much like Tywin with Joffrey and Tommen. It goes along with the whole “you don’t want to be sitting on the throne” theory. It doesn’t pay to be the King in this show.

-Barrister receives a letter from the Hand of the King (RIP Robert Baratheon), a pardon for Jorah. He has been spying on Dany.  He was the one giving Varys the information to take back to Tywin and ‘em.

-Dany can’t even look at him, she is absolutely livid when he enters her chambers. This is Emilia Clarke’s Emmy scene. She gives off that authority, but she also emotes the hurt when someone close to you betrays you. Remember, Jorah just helped the Usurper, the person that killed her entire family, including her uncle “The Mad King”, this is a betrayal that cuts deep. If he doesn’t leave right now, his head goes in Slaver’s Bay. Those Khaleesi bars. much like the Wu-Tang Clan, ain’t nuthin’ to fuck with.

-Ramsey reports to his father that he got Moat Cailin, and Roose tells him that he is a legit Bolton now, which means Ramsey knows he will eventually succeed his father as they head towards Winterfell. Is there even anything left of Winterfell at this point? Apparently there is because we see it, but that place has to be in all kinds of rough shape now.

-Awwwwwwwwwww, all Ramsey wants is his father’s love, or at least to know that he is now in the succession list. Even though Theon was the one that actually did all the work. This dude has to snap the fuck outta this.

-Littlefinger visits Sansa to see why she lied for him. She has no idea what they would have done with her if he was gone; she gambled on the man she knows, not the strangers she doesn’t, Littlefinger. She also knows that he wants a piece, and she is going to use that now. Cersei told her she would figure it out someday, and she is. To be a woman in the world of Game Of Thrones, you aren’t given many weapons, but there is one that works 11 times outta 10.

-Arya and the Hound approach the Vale. Arya tells the guards who she is, and they learn Lysa is dead. She laughs and laughs and laughs. The Hound did all this for nothing. He is about to be so damn mad. All the people will die, and all the chickens will be eaten.

-Robin doesn’t seem very broken up about his mother dying at all as he walks and talks with Littlefinger. Then Sansa comes downstairs, looking strangely like either Catelyn or Lysa (basically, a grown-up Stark woman) to butter up Robin so she can take over the Vale with Littlefinger. Chips are on the table now, says Sansa: let’s play. FINALLY.

-Tyrion and Jaime are in a cell having a drink, and Tyrion goes on about some “slow” cousin of theirs. That sound they say he makes as he kills beetles is PRETTY damn good. This story goes on way too long, but I think he equates his life with that of a beetle. I’m sure there is more here, but really, I don’t care.

-It’s time for the fight. Oberyn is drinking and wearing no armor, while the Mountain comes in with full armor and a sword as big as Oberyn. Tyrion and Ellaria are both like, “the fuck are you doing?”. Oberyn is cocky as shit. His motivations in this fight are far different than Tyrion’s, who just wants to live. He wants a confession and his revenge for his sister and her children, and he is actually doing very well. He also calls King’s Landing a stinking shitpile of a city, which is pretty good. But still, something isn’t adding up.

-He has the Mountain down and out, but his petty ass wants a confession and you can tell this isn’t going to end well. Basically, he wants the Mountain to implicate Tywin in his sister’s death as well, which has Tywin looking pretty uncomfortable. The Mountain trips him and gets on top of him, digging his thumbs into his eyes and crushes his skull while confessing to everything. The whole damn thing. Tyrion and Jaime are like, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Tywin and Cersei are partyin’ like shit.

-It was even more brutal watching it the second time. But I am seeing people say this is the most brutal thing we’ve seen on Game Of Thrones. I beg to differ. For me, personally, it was the start of the Red Wedding when ol’ boy stabbed a pregnant Talisa in the stomach to get the shit kicked off. There are a couple of other incidents as well, but maybe I’m just so desensitized to shit now that nothing shocks me. I might make a list when this season is done.

So, “The Mountain and the Viper” lived up to the hype and then some, and I’m kinda thinking now, even though I cursed HBO out for the entire two weeks it was missing, we NEEDED that break. That was a lot of Game Of Thrones to take in. My biggest question about this episode is, did the Mountain actually die? He did take a spear to the chest pretty damn good, and if that’s the case, does Tyrion get to survive? Is there a “who dies first” clause in the whole trial-by-combat thing? Is Oberyn happy now? He got his confession, and he might have actually killed the Mountain.

Two episodes left in Game Of Thrones, and we know the ninth episode is usually when something MAJOR happens. Next week, we know we have the battle at the Wall, but that can’t be all. Get ya shit ready.