So, here we are, the season finale of Game Of Thrones. I’ve been waiting for this all season, and they gave us like, 10 extra minutes? No introduction needed. Let’s go…..
-Jon Snow has a lot of trust in Mance’s people. Just walking up with no sword, no knives, no wolves, like shit is sweet in these Northern snowy streets, but he gets his sitdown with Don Rayder.
-They drink to Ygritte because apparently Mance has some sort of heart under there, but Jon can’t handle what Mance is drinking on. At least Mance says straight up he wouldn’t poison him, and he gives Jon’s man props for killing the last giant. There is some respect among warriors.
-Mance just wants to hide behind the Wall, and dammit, winter is coming….Mance knows all about these white walkers. Just then, a sound is made and the calvary is coming. Who is it?
-Stannis comes through with a whole bunch of mufuckas from both sides, and they are not playing games. Looks like he got the money for his army from the Iron Bank. The aerial view of them rushing Mance’s spot is amazing. I wonder what that looked like on the big screens at the movie theatres this was airing at?
-Stannis and Davos roll up on some gangsta shit like, what up Mance? And what the fuck was that one dude thinking rollin’ up on Stannis like he was gon’ do something?
-Mance doesn’t kneel for anyone, we discover. Tough guy.
-Jon introduces himself to Stannis…..he gets some mercy for Mance, who gets taken away and tells Stannis to burn all the bodies of the dead before winter comes.
-The Mountain is being kept alive by some new maester as Cersei watches, and the old maester, Pycelle, is seemingly gettin’ thrown in the bushes. Is the Mountain even worth saving? Cersei seems to think so because I’m sure she has some evil doing for him to do when he gets better. He says the process may change him; it won’t weaken him. Are we getting Robo-Mountain?
-Cersei goes to holla at Tywin about marrying Loras and she isn’t having it, but Tywin gives no fucks about what she wants. Cersei has some balls about her though. She has already lost Joffrey, her daughter has long been gone (I forgot she was even a thing) and she is getting shipped off while Tywin and Margaery fight over Tommen. Then she threatens him with the shit between her and Jaime. He has always had to know, hasn’t he? It is almost like he wants her to say it, but she does and he still denies it. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Tywin shook, that I can remember anyway.
-Cersei goes to find Jaime, who gets pissed because of the whole Tyrion thing because trying to kill your brother for causing your mother’s death isn’t a big deal, even though it wasn’t really his fault. She kisses him, so we’re about to get some incest lovin’. Hopefully it isn’t rape this time. Alex Graves directed the first rapey episode, the third joint of the season (“Breaker Of Chains“) and he gets this one as well (the fourth of the season for Mr. Graves), so maybe this is him making up for that fuckery. Damn, this is creepy.
-She tells Jaime that he told Tywin about them and Jaime is like, “the fuck?”. Her love for Jaime would be so much less disturbing if they weren’t brother and sister and he wasn’t railing her on a table.
-Dany is still getting through the list of 200-something people who want to talk to her. Some old man rolls up on her like, “Um, can I be a slave again?”. Turns out being free isn’t all it is cracked up to be for the older people. Dany is much better at conquering a city than actually ruling it. She does eventually agree to it. Then another dude rolls up with his dead baby, which was burned by one of the dragons. Dany has been so busy trying to figure out how to be a ruler that the dragons have gotten out of hand. That dragon burned the holy shit outta that three-year-old baby. She doesn’t even know where one of the dragons is. Child services about to roll up on Dany, jeez.
-She goes down to the catacombs where the other two dragons are and puts them in chains, ironically for someone who calls herself the “Breaker of Chains”. But Jorah’s bitch ass called it earlier: you can’t tame a dragon, much less three dragons. When they realize what is going on, those dragons are PISSED. Can you put dragons on timeout? How does that even work?
-They do end up burning the bodies of the Night’s Watch like Jon suggested, and we see a few faces from the battle. While the flames are burning, Jon looks through them to see Melisandre, who has some sort of sinister plans on the go, obviously. She does love her some fire.
-Jon goes to visit Thormund, who is locked up on some Akon shit. Thormund asks Jon if he loved Ygritte, who loved her because all she talked about was killing him. That’s some mufuckin’ true love right there. He also says she belongs in the north, so Jon takes Ygritte’s body there to burn her. RIP Ygritte….I’ll miss your redheaded crazy ass.
-Bran and company are walking through the snow, and Jojen looks like he is about to pass out. He eventually falls, but they make it to that damn tree they keep seeing. But that tree has some protection in the form of crazy skeleton-ass mufuckas coming up out of the ground as they approach said tree. I have no idea if this happens in the book, but I don’t care because this is fucking cool. Bran gets saved by his wolf, then goes into Hodor’s body and Hodor goes into Hodor mode, straight stylin’ on mufuckas. Meera (who I kept wanting to call Osha, who is somewhere with Rickon) is holding her own as well. One of the skeleton dudes stabs the shit outta Jojen, while two skeletons are running after Bran, but some little girl starts throwing some firebombs at mufuckas and tells them to follow her. I think we have seen her before. Meera slits Jojen’s throat so he doesn’t feel any pain and the crew follow the little girl into some cave where the skeleton things can’t pass through.
-The little girl says she is part of the Children; simple enough, right? She tells Bran that some “he” waits for him, and it turns out that he is the three-eyed raven Bran has been looking for this entire time. Jojen knew everything that was going to happen, including his death. Bran asks if he will walk again and dude is like, “Yeah, nah, but you will fly”. That seems like it’ll be something to look forward to next season. Hodor will be happy that he doesn’t have to drag around this giant kid anymore.
-Brienne wakes Pod da Gawd up to find their horses gone, and Pod just can’t get this squire thing down pat. She wanders around to find Arya practicing her sword skills, and Arya tells the Hound to stop shitting (nah, he was actually poopin’ tho) and see what is up. The Hound is like, “This better be important, I was busy”, and Brienne figures out who Arya is. She tells her the story of how she swore to Catelyn that she would bring Arya home, and the Hound thinks she is there for the bounty on him. He knows right away that the sword she has was given to her by a Lannister.
-The Hound is actually trying to protect her, which is endearing considering that they both hate each other on the low. The fight is on and I know one of my favorite characters is going to die either way because the way these two get down, someone gotta die. I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen in the book, but again, no fucks are given. This fight ends up being a top-ten moment in Game of Thrones history to date. They fuck each other up, the Hound fights dirty, and squeezes her sword to show he is insane. He kicks her in the ass and headbutts her, and she bites his ear off. This is one of the most brutal TV fights ever, but Brienne eventually gets the upper hand and throws him off a cliff.
-Meanwhile, no one knows where Arya is, Pod has lost her because well, Pod is a terrible squire, but she hides and eventually goes to the Hound, who is asking her in a roundabout way to kill him because he is going to die anyway. He does everything he can to goad her into killing him, but Arya won’t, which is more heartless than if she had done it. He does tell her to go find Brienne because she can protect Arya’s stubborn ass. Arya says, “Nah, I’ma just rob you and be out”, but she does like she feels just a little bad for him. The stone-cold look on her face is pretty good; Arya about to be on some Kill Bill shit and I’m okay with that. I’m very conflicted about this. She should have shown him some mercy. He saved her more than a few times. But she’s well on her way to being a badass.
-Am I wrong for having the smallest inkling that the Hound survives? We don’t see him actually die, and I’ve watched enough TV to know that no one is dead until you see them die. Look at his friggin’ brother who is about to be turned into Franken-Mountain. I mean, he probably is, but I don’t think I am being crazy.
-Finally, we arrive at Tyrion’s cell, where Jaime is breaking him out with Varys’ help. The two say some quick farewells and share a hug, and Tyrion looks up the stairs, but he decides he has something to do first. He sneaks into where he thinks Tywin is, and we see his bed, but who is in it? Oh, that would be Shea. Apparently she is going to become the first hoe in history to become a housewife, by hook or by crook (that needs to be a thesis or a study of some sort). The two wrestle over a knife, which eventually gets thrown and he ends up strangling the shit outta her through his tears, and he manages to say, “I’m sorry” a couple times. Yeah, I had a good little chuckle about that. Tyrion, ever so polite…..until he sees the crossbow anyway.
-He finds Tywin in the bathroom (which seems to be a theme of this episode: if you shit, you die). Tywin tries to talk Tyrion down and guesses that it was Jaime that released him. Tywin admits he wanted Tyrion dead, but he admires that he wouldn’t die and says he wasn’t gon’ let them execute him, which is some of the biggest bullshit we’ve heard on Game of Thrones to date. Tyrion tells him that he loved Shea, but he just killed her and Tywin is like, “whatever, she was a whore”, which is the wrong thing to say to someone with a crossbow. You gotta admire Tywin’s arrogance, he absolutely thinks that Tyrion wouldn’t kill him and all he had to do was NOT call ol’ girl a whore. But Tywin calls Shea a whore again and catches an arrow to the chest, and now he is like, “Oh shit, this is real now”. Tyrion hits him with another arrow and walks away. He gets to Varys, who is like, “The fuck did you do?”. He puts Tyrion on a box which is going on a ship to God knows where, as long as it isn’t King’s Landing, I guess. Varys hears bells ringing, which seems to be some sort of alarm because people have probably found Tywin and Shea’s bodies. He’s like, “yeah, fuck going back there, I’ma just stay on this ship, b”.
-Arya is walking along with her horse, chillin’, and she sees a ship going somewhere, but it isn’t the same shit Tyrion is on. She talks her way onto the ship finds out the ship is going to Braavos. So she is on her way again, this time by herself. Let’s see what you got, girl.
And thus wraps up the best season to date of Game Of Thrones, by a wide, wide margin. People we loved and hated (often, at the same damn time) died viciously, we got some incredible acting performances from basically the entire cast (I honestly can’t decide on an MVP, but I’m leaning towards Peter Dinklage for that speech at the trial and the finale), we still have enough to leaving asking questions about next season and many things to speculate on. I stopped reading after the third book, so I’m back to not knowing what is going on like the rest of y’all (or most of y’all). All I know is that there are some new people coming and we’ll be missing a few old faces, but they left out Sansa and Littlefinger over the last two episodes, so I figure they’ll play a major role in season 5. I assume Cersei won’t be happy about Tyrion being released by Jaime, but with Tywin out of the picture, she can do what she wants now, in theory.
Man, that was fun. I’ma miss doing this every week. Until next season, folks. Thank you so much for reading my rambles, and I’ll try to do better for season 5 of Game Of Thrones.
Before I go, I wanted to shout out the four Game Of Thrones recaps I listened to on a weekly basis: Fiyastarter, The Black Guy Who Tips, A Cast Of Kings and The Bald Move Game Of Thrones Podcast (they do have a site, I need to remember to update this link). They all do other non-GoT stuff as well and you would make your life better by checking them out.