Monthly Archives: October 2014

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E04 – Edward Mordrake Part 2

The first part of American Horror Story: Freak Show‘s Halloween special was quite divisive if you follow the online recaps. But Part 2 of “Edward Mordrake” gave us the only backstories that matter, to me
anyway: Elsa Mars and Twisty The Clown, whom we about to see EVERYWHERE for Halloween this weekend. Let’s go…

 -Edward Mordrake continues his mission of finding someone suitable to kill to add to his freak harem, and we learn about a couple secondary characters. Legless Suzi lost her legs to disease when she was two, then her parents left her, which is some cold, cold shit. She had to beg on these streets, so she ended up stabbing a dude in the leg because he had them and he died. Obviously? The medical game wasn’t where it needed to be in those days. Then we get Paul, who was born with his messed-up T-Rex arms, but when he decided to get fully tattooed, he stopped at his face, which is probably the best decision he ever made. Mordrake is like, nah, y’all aren’t freaky enough for me; let’s go to the head of the snake.

-He ends up in Elsa’s room, and here I figured she would try to have sex with him since Jessica Lange’s character in Coven was sleeping with a reincarnated sax player anyway, because, American Horror Story. But that ended when Mordrake called her delusional and gave her that truth, and he just wanted the story, which was, well…

-So it turns out that shit was super freaky in 1932 Germany, and Elsa was indeed a star….in a BDSM brothel . She would make dudes submit to her, but never sleep with them, and others would watch while she would make them sit on a toilet with nails, which is the absolute opposite of sexy to me, but different strokes, I guess. The watchers persuade her to do a film, but they drugged her, cut off her legs and left her there. Not gon’ lie, I felt bad for Elsa’s delusional ass. She really thought she was about to get that star role. Mordrake’s evil face decided she was the one and she was about to get got, but he hears music and stops.

-Jimmy McLobsterhands and Maggie were out past the curfew, and when they saw a car, they decided to hide in the woods. The car passed, but then they see the girl that Twisty kidnapped running away and then, Twisty tackled the shit out of her like Ray Lewis in his prime. I laughed and I laughed, oh Lord, how I did laugh. So of course, they go to investigate.

-They find Twisty’s short bus of horrors and also see the older brother kid that got yoinked up at the end of Part 1, but they get bopped upside the head by Dandy, who is playing Marty Jannety to Twisty’s Shawn Michaels (word to the Midnight Rockers, it’s an old wrestling reference, Google it for the hair alone). They wake up in time for the show, which is Dandy attempting to saw Maggie in half, but the real star is Twisty banging away on a toy piano like a six-year-old, which will be explained later. Jimmy gets loose thanks to his lobster hands, hits Dandy, frees Maggie and everyone scatters. It doesn’t make any sense how all this happens, but as I seem to say every week with this show, you gotta let some shit slide to enjoy AHS.

-Mordrake shows up to confront Twisty while Dandy chases after everyone else and throws a fucking tantrum because his Halloween is ruined, and while I loathe this guy, I gotta say, Finn Wittrock is playing the shit outta this character. Mordrake gets Twisty to first remove his mask, and the mouth gets revealed. Yeah, it is just as fucked up as we thought. Son got three teeth and no lower jaw, he is basically a dentist’s field day. But we get his story….

-Twisty was a nice clown, but he was made fun of by carnies, who called him a pedophile among other things. This made him leave the travelling circus and he took up painting. He tries to sell his products to the same toy-store owner who he decapitated, so that explains that as the owner rejected him. Poor Twisty then tries to kill himself with a shotgun, but that doesn’t work, so that explains the missing jaw and all of the infection in the mouth area. I’m not sure I’ll be able to use the phrase, “what dat mouf do” ever again.

-Mordrake decides Twisty is the one and stabs him to death, but he joins the dead freak harem and his jaw is back, which is nice. But then Dandy rolls up, and proceeds to put the mouth part of the mask on, which was all sorts of unhygienic. That mask had AIDS on it and Dandy gave no fucks about it. It was one of the more gross things I have ever seen on AHS, and that is saying a lot.

-Dandy leaves and the cops show up, and one tries to make Jimmy a hero, but he is still pissed about Meep and says he is going to go to the media, which is just not going to work out for him in the future. They return to the freak show the next day, and they are surprised to see that the townspeople are showing gratitude for finding the missing children. Elsa’s opportunistic ass sees a chance to make a buck and sells tickets to a special show….not free tickets, mind you because fuck free. She also demotes Bette and Dot and makes herself the star again, because delusion is a helluva thing and opium is a helluva drug. That was all we saw of the twins, so they’ll play a big role next week, probably. And the large/multiple/non-having penis dude that is pulling this scam with Maggie, he shows up at the freak show and introduces himself to Elsa as a doctor, so that will be something to watch for. I would say he will sleep with Elsa, but she isn’t a young dude in a Viking hat, and we know that is his steez.

-Finally, Dandy returns to his house, where he finds Dora, who continues to not give one single fuck about his life and when he pulls out a knife, she all but calls him a bitch. But he gets fed up and slashes her throat, and he hit that creepy smile to end the episode.

-RIP Miss Patti 😦

So that ends the story of Edward Mordrake, or so you would think, but Twisty is rolling with him now, so he’ll probably be back. That was one of the most scatterbrained episodes of American Horror Story to date. But they still managed to bring it all home and I’ll put it up there with one of my favorite AHS episodes of the series.

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Sons Of Anarchy S07E08 – The Separation Of Crows

Sons Of Anarchy moved closer to its end game with “The Separation Of Crows”, and they actually slowed things down a little compared to most of the season. Hell, there wasn’t even a chase of any kind; just one death and a little more dismemberment, nothing major. Let’s go….

-The episode opens with Jax sitting on a roof, which is something we haven’t seen in a while. He is finally joined by Chibbs, and he admits that Marks is smarter than him, that he underestimated him. Chibbs tells him to man up and stop being a punk because this is no time to be shook. Jax has had multiple chances to slow this down, and he didn’t take them. Shoot, Bobby said they could back off, Jax said nah, and we see Bobby being contrasted against Juice in jail, missing an eye. Chibbs said they all knew the risks they were taken when they started this revenge mission for Tara, and all I can think is, man, they’re gon’ be soooooooooooo pissed when they find out this is all Gemma’s fault. Like, ALL OF IT. Meanwhile, Gemma is still chillin’, playing nurse for the junkie mom and being paranoid as hell, and Abel is quietly coloring and stewing over the knowledge that his grandmother killed his mother, which we will get to later.

-Tyler continues to be Jax’s errand boy, giving him the scoop on Marks’ security guy, who dropped off Bobby’s eye. Dude’s name is Moses and he is ex-military, along with ex-Blackwater, which I never knew was a thing until I read a book on them a few years ago. Tyler also said that Marks is planning to send another piece of Bobby every 24 hours if he doesn’t get the mom and the son from the church, and that he is shook by being around this angry group. Jax chastises him, even though he just got finished saying something similar and Tyler is risking his life as a double agent for the club. What a guy.

-The club continues to look for the body of the kid they killed early in the season, that turned out to be the son of the Indian Hills president, Jury. They find out that the kid’s mom lives out in the boonies and they get shot at when they show up, but fortunately, her younger son shows up and becomes a hostage, which ends the situation. They finally learn that the kid was indeed Jury’s son and put together that Jury ratted them out because they killed him, or so they think. I am pretty sure he did, but there are so many stories going in SOA that I can’t be bothered to keep track of it all and we all know what is going to happen anyway.

-The boys set up a meet in the middle of nowhere with Jury and his VP, and Jax calls him out for ratting, which Jury denies and goes on this rant about how Jax has become what his father was trying to get SAMCRO away from. Jury was friends with Jax’s dad and wasn’t even in the club when he died, and he thinks JT killed himself, instead of the story that Clay sabotaged his bike. Jax ain’t tryna hear this truth and punches Jury, who pulls his gun and gets a bullet to the cheek. His VP is livid and said Jax is gon’ get it, so keep that in the back of your head. But the boys have to go to Gemma’s right away.

-Moses sits down with Bobby and tries to get the location of the bodies they buried at one of four possible construction sites. He tries to level with Bobby, who was in the reserves, but was never deployed, but Bobby sees through it, which is why they took “the smart one”. They just want the location, but Bobby laughs when asked to put his smoke out on the correct one, even as he is threatened with losing his clutch hand.

-But there is other stuff going as Juice meets with Jarry and Unser and says he will give names and details to them about Tara’s murder in exchange for a deal. Unser knows something is going on and figures out that Jax wants Juice in the same place as Lin so he can kill him and get back into SAMCRO. Unser knows how this works: Juice would have been dead by now if the club didn’t need him, and he also figured out Gemma is involved. He is not long for this show; Gemma gon’ kill him, bruh.

-Gemma is called back to town because Abel is in trouble at school again, and apparently he hit a kid in the head with a metal lunchbox. Two things: one, anyone else find it hard to take Courtney Love being serious and making sense as the teacher? And two, who the hell sends their kid to the school with a metal lunchbox? Jesus. Anyway, Gemma doesn’t take kindly to Ms. Love and says Abel will hit her next, but she knows she has to talk to Abel. She asks Abel something to the effect of, “do you know what an accident is?” and he replies, “do you!”. SON. All he had left to say was, “BITCH, YOU KILLED MY MOM!”, and I would have fallen out of my chair. But this gets cut off as Gemma goes to Thomas’ bedroom to find “No Son Is Safe” written on the wall with a stuffed animal also on the wall, with a knife stuck on it. In her room, she finds her birds dead in her bed. Marks told Jax that no Son was safe if he was betrayed, so we can pin that on him, although we all probably thought it was Abel for a brief minute.

-This is when the boys were called to the house, and Jax tells Chibbs to call Tyler and set up a meeting with Marks. He will give up the location of the bodies, but not the mother and the son, who Marks will kill anyway. This gets back to Moses, who gets told the information by……Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks? Holy random. Anyway, Moses tells Bobby that the terms were non-negotiable and proceeds to cut off his hand, or fingers. We didn’t get to see it, but the screaming and the crunching of bones was enough to let you know that some shit is going down.

-The boys are back on the rooftop, and Chibbs asks Jax if Jury actually confessed, and this could mess up relations with the other chapters of SAMCRO. Jax wants to know what Chibbs saw, and Chibbs said it was complicated, but he should be ready for blowback. Who ISN’T Jax fighting now? But that conversation ends when Tig brings up another box, which has some of Bobby in it, but Jax doesn’t even bother to open it because he can’t face what he is doing.

A relatively tame episode by SOA standards, but the final act is almost set. Gemma is still frantically trying to keep her secret, while Juice sits on a cell, crushing roaches with his hand. The boys are still looking for Bobby and that will come to a head very soon, possibly with Bobby’s head. Abel is going to kill someone or something. Unser gotta die. The body count over the last five episodes of Sons Of Anarchy is about to be enormous.

The Walking Dead S05E03 – Four Walls And A Roof

Well, crisis averted. My PVR missed the first half of “Four Walls and A Roof”, the third episode of The Walking Dead this season, and I almost threw this recap in the bushes. But I know some good people that helped me to write this, and I’m glad I saw it because it was a solid episode, although the bitchass meter was through the church roof. Let’s go…

-We find out that Gareth and his people have Bob holed up in a school, complete with walkers outside banging on the windows. Gareth tells Bob that he has two options: join or feed them, but I’m pretty sure they went straight to option #2. Bob starts to cry, then laughs maniacally and tells them that he has been bitten, which was expected, and Gareth’s crew start puking all over the place.

-Meanwhile, Sasha has noticed that Bob is missing and gets attacked by two walkers outside, but she kills them before Tyreese and Rick come up behind her. But hell, it could have been anyone. Why do mufuckas continue to go outside in the dark by themselves in this zombie world? No flashlights, torches, none of that shit.

-Sasha runs in the church and accuses the minister, Gabriel, of working with someone outside of the church. Then Rick gets him and asks about the female zombie at the food bank and the “You’ll burn for this” written on the church. As was expected, Gabriel tells a story of locking the doors on his congregation and hearing them being torn apart by the dead, and breaks down in tears. All I hear is, “I’m a bitch-ass mufucka”. And I STILL don’t believe him.

-The group hears someone whistling outside of the church and they run outside to find Bob and a bunch of walkers, which they kill and bring Bob inside. He tells the story of Gareth and the leg, then he refused painkillers as he tells them he has been bitten. They take Bob to Gabriel’s office to lie down and figure out what is next. Abraham is like, “fuck this, we out” and Rick is like, “nah”. This has been coming for a while. Abraham has this mission to get Eugene to Washington, while Rick has been the leader of his group for the majority of the time, so it was only a matter of time.

-Glenn gets between them, and Tara says that she will go with Abraham and ’em if they stay one more night because really, leaving in the middle of the night is stupid. Abraham wants Glenn and Maggie to go too, and after a minute they agree. They gotta have a plan because it doesn’t make any sense for them to go.

-Sasha wants to go with the group to find Gareth, and Tyreese tries to stop her, but she gives him a knife and tells him to put it through Bob’s temple if he dies and starts to turn. Can she trust Tyreese to do this? He has been soft since Carol killed Karen, and we know he let that dude live in the shack. I’m getting tired of brothas being bitchasses this season. KILL SOMEONE OR SOMETHING. Forgiveness, my ass.

-The group leaves to find Gareth, and Gabriel is peeking out the door. I don’t trust this dude as far as I can throw him. Here is my theory: he is running with the dudes that took Beth in the car with the cross on it somehow. He probably doesn’t want to, but hey, he is a bitchass.

-Gareth leads his group to the church and they bumrush the show, telling the remaining people in the church to come out and make this easier. Judith starts to cry, which gives away their location in a locked room, but before Gareth can get to them, Rick and ’em are back and they surround the hunters. Dude who Tyreese let live doesn’t wanna back down, but Abraham with a gun to his head changes that quickly. Gareth tries to plead with Rick and says that if he lets them go, they won’t cross paths again. Rick counters with the fact that they will do this to someone else and the group proceeds to absolutely slaughter the shit out of the hunters, led by Rick goin’ ham on Gareth with a machete. At least he learned after the Governor, right. No-fucks-left-to-give Rick is greatness.

-Gabriel says that this is the Lord’s house, and Maggie is like, “nah bruh, this is just four walls and a roof”. In other words, cut that bitchassness out.

-Everyone gathers to say goodbye to Bob, who is on his last legs, and he thanks Rick for taking him in and being a good person, which Rick still is, but he now understands that certain shit needs to be done, and mufuckas gotta die if they present a threat. Sasha is there as Bob does and she is about to stab him in the head, but Tyreese volunteers and what do you know, he does it. This better be the end of bitchass Ty-Ty.

-Abraham and ‘me prepare to leave in the bus they fixed, and gives Rick a map where they are going, along with a message that apologizes for being an asshole and the new world needs Rick. They leave with Glenn and Maggie, as well as Tara and this threesome gotta happen, because I don’t want to follow these mufuckas to Washington. Again, like last week’s episode-ending car chase, I have no idea where mufuckas are getting gas, but ya gotta let some shit slide, I guess.

-At night, Michonne is outside with her sword, which the hunters had and while I chastise them for being outside by themselves at night, Michonne can handle herself just fine. Gabriel joins her for a minute, but they hear a noise and he runs inside because, well, bitchass. Michonne gets to the tree line and there is Daryl, but he looks out of sorts and when Michonne asks where Carol is, he turns to someone to come out from the shadows, and the episode ends.

So, another threat is extinguished, but you know some other shit is always lurking around the corner on The Walking Dead. Who the hell was Daryl talking to? The preview for next week looks like it’ll focus on Beth, so I assume it’ll be her and the people that kidnapped her, who will be more than meets the eye. I wonder if she will ask about Maggie? That’ll be more than Maggie did. Stay tuned.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E03 – Edward Mordrake, Part 1

Halloween is on the horizon, so you know American Horror Story is about to cook up something special. Freak Show hit us with the first part of a doubleheader, which has a couple different meanings this season, and “Edward Mordrake, Part 1” just introduces more fuckery into our AHS lives. Let’s go…

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-We open at a scientific museum, and by scientific museum, I mean the House Of Thousand Corpses Of All Kinds. But we learn that the place isn’t doing too well because people are watching Ed Sullivan, so they are looking for new specimens. This is where “Dr. Mansfield” and “Ms. Rothschild” come into play as we get the first glimpse of Denis O’Hare and Emma Roberts, who were last seen as Spalding the creepy butler/doll aficionado and Madison the prissy bitch/dead boyfriend stealer in Coven. But the museum curators aren’t buying their stories as they figure out the doctor doesn’t have a Harvard degree like he says, and the specimen they try to pass off as a baby Sasquatch is really just a baby goat with a cat’s jaw attached. E for effort, though. Still, one of the curators whispers that, while this is some bullshit, they would pay top dollar for some real freaky shit. I wonder where they could find that sort of thing? OH, FLORIDA.

-Meanwhile, it is Halloween and the kids are out trick or treating at 4 pm because of the curfew, and this kid on a clown suit is trying to scare his little sister, who is afraid of clowns. So who does she see behind a bush? Ol’ Scalpy McTootherson, Twisty, and she tries to tell her mom, who reminds me of a third-rate Betty Draper from Mad Men. Her mom doesn’t believe her, but more on that in a bit as the scene ends with Twisty chillin’ across the street and WHY IS NO ONE NOTICING HIS FACE? I know it is Halloween, but shit.

-Ethel takes her beard to the doctor, where she learns she got that cirrhosis, and about six months to a year to live. But more importantly, I read an article in which a linguist said that her accent is supposed to be from Baltimore, so now all I hear is a poor version of Snoop from The Wire. Kathy Bates is better than this, right? Anyway, she gon’ die.

-So of course, she ends her sobriety by joining the “RIP Meep” party on the freak show’s day off because YOLO, and we also learn why the freak show doesn’t work or even rehearse on Halloween. Ethel tells the story of Edward Mordrake, who looks like a homeless man’s Jack White, but he has a face on the back of his head that talks to him and makes him go crazy. He gets sent to an asylum (shoutout to the shitty second season of American Horror Story), but kills a man to escape and ends up at a freak show, where he ends up killing everyone in the show as well as himself. So if the freaks work on Halloween, his ghost comes back and kills everyone. This might be the most logical story AHS has ever told.

-Dot doesn’t believe the story and thinks they should work anyway, and she is really starting to become a pain in the ass. The diva is starting to come out and she is being even worse to Bette, who always looks sad as shit and I just wanna hug her neck. Sarah Paulson, bruh.

-Speaking of diva, Miss Patti Labelle is back as Dora, and she gets to watch Dandy flip the fuck out as his mom gets him a Howdy Doody costume for Halloween. Dora gives him a look like, “you spoiled sonofabitch”. She also wears a Woody Woodypecker costume, so I can cross “seeing Patti Labelle in a Woody Woodypecker costume” off my bucket list.

-Somewhere in there, Desiree tries to get Dell to give her the business, but he can’t get it up, which I assume has been happening quite a bit, hence her bangin’ the dude in Chicago that Dell kills and they end up here. He grabs her by the throat, but the look that Angela Bassett gives him like, “if you don’t get your impotent hands off me…”, and he stomps off. But all sorts of questions arise about the sheer physics and biology of Desiree having sex. She is working with a lot of stuff.

-Dell ends up outside with Ethel, who tells him that she is dying and she wants him to watch over Jimmy McLobsterhands, but not to tell him he is his father. She also asks him if he ever loved her and he says no. I can’t wait for him to die.

-Emma Roberts, whose real name is Maggie Esmeralda (her character, obviously), rolls up to the freak show in a cab and tells Jimmy she is a fortune teller. He takes her to Elsa, who is wacked out on opium because Jessica Lange stays playing women addicted to something or everything. Maggie tells her fortune, which seems like some bullshit, but she does a good job at getting clues from around Elsa’s room on some Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects” shit. She also says she sees a refined man that will help Elsa, but she passes out. Was it Mordrake? Things that make you go hmmmm.

-Dot has a dream in which the twins are getting separated and that disturbs Bette, and Dot doesn’t care that one of them will die. Good grief, Dot gets a little attention and loses her mind. Bette might gotta kill her.

-Jimmy and Maggie are out on his bike and she calls Denis O’Hare, whose name is Stanley. She says the freaks are weird and she wants to pull out, but he convinces her to stick with the plan. We also learn that Stanley gets freaky himself with a dude in a Viking helmet and that he has, well, we have a few options. Either he has an extremely large penis, a small one, none at all, multiple penises or one with a face on it. Hell, we see an arm-penis with a boot on it in the opening credits. Tell me you would be surprised by any of this and if you are, this is obviously your first AHS season.

-Dandy turned his Howdy Doody costume into a clown, of course, and he goes downstairs to attempt to kill Dora, who all but calls him a bitch and tells him that she knows about the cat killings, but he is too pussy (DUALITY!!!!!) to kill a person. She’s not wrong……yet.

-Elsa gets into an argument with Dot about rehearsing and Dot is awful ungrateful to someone without whom she would be in jail. That Fiona Apple cover gassed her up. But Elsa wins because it is her show, and she is confident because Maggie said she saw a crowd cheering for her. So Elsa does her own cover of a Lana Del Rey song, called “Gods and Monsters” apparently because I don’t fuck with LDR like that. This summons Mordrake with some green smoke, but he then disappears and Elsa is like, “damn, that opium is good shit”.

-He shows up in Ethel’s trailer and he forces her to tell her deepest pain, which is Dell not only rejected her, but he charged people to watch her give birth to Jimmy. Who the hell would pay to see a bearded lady give birth? Mufuckas was bored back in the day. Anyway, he doesn’t kill her, strangely because the dude with a face on the back of his head also has a heart.

-Dandy is at Twisty’s trailer, tryna get up the heart to stab the little boy and the girl. Twisty enters and what has he been up to? He was at the house of the little trick or treater from earlier and AHS fakes us out because it is shot from the viewpoint of someone sneaking around while the mother is talking to her friend in the living. We think that it is Twisty, but it is the little girl’s brother. Then, Twisty sneaks up behind dude and takes him out through the window, so which the daughter is like, “see, I fucking TOLD you about the clown” to the mother. So now, the Twisty and Dandy Daycare has one more client.

Part 2 of the Halloween special is shaping up to be a good one. We are getting Twisty’s backstory, which we have all been waiting for. Mordrake gotta kill someone, you would think. And something isn’t sitting right about Dora with me; I think she has, or will, kill something. Because in American Horror Story, all bets are off.

Sons Of Anarchy S07E07 – Greensleeves

The theme of Sons Of Anarchy‘s final season thus far has been vengeance, and Jax has been adding names to the list every week. He has been getting away with being sloppy for the most part, but eventually he was gon’ paint himself into a corner, and “Greensleeves” was the corner. Let’s go….

-The boys are out by the spot where Jax’s father John had his accident, and we learn that Jax has not only let Juice live, but he gets his cut back and Juice drives off. For a split second I was like, “the fuck?”, but then it switched to, “so what is the plan”. Because Jax thinks he is Super Planner who has all this figured out.

-Juice shoots at some highway cops and that is all fine and dandy because we learn Jax wants Juice to get arrested, go to jail and finally finish off Lin. But my question is, do these cops not see the all-black van like, RIGHT BEHIND THEM? Seriously, when they stop to arrest Juice, they are literally right behind the cops. Jesus Christ, man. Anyway, I thought Juice was gon’ kill himself when he got caught and I wish he did, because if he ends this series alive, I will throw a fit.

-The boys go to check out Red Woody, where “Cox and Bagels” is getting filmed, and while Jax is having a conversation with Unser, I couldn’t help but watch the background, simply because it was ridiculous. Unser tells Jax that the cop they shot is awake, but she won’t say the club was there for the shootout because she went to high school with Jax. A couple things here: Jax went to high school? The fuck was the point of that? And two, so getting shot within an inch of your life as watching your partner die in front of you doesn’t matter because you went to high school with a gangster that doesn’t give 1/13 of a fuck about you? Every single cop in this show is the absolute worst. Unser also asks about Juice and Jax obviously lies about it. Unser sees right through it, and I am damn sick and tired of Jax thinking he is so slick.

-Jax’s speech at the table to the boys was pretty emotional as he basically said, “I have no fucking idea what I am doing, but thanks for having my back”. This is the second time he has done this, so the sympathy is starting to wear a little thin because as Bobby said, he could always slow down. But nah, that ain’t Jax’s style.

-Meanwhile, Nero is working to get out of the game as he tells Gemma he has a plan to buy his uncle’s farm. He wants Gemma to come with him and eventually, he gets an “I’ll think about it”, which is as good as he could have asked for. Katey Sagal is damn good at standing there and looking concerned while Jimmy Smits spills everything. He says they deserve something better and she hits him with the “do we?”. Nah, you don’t.

-Gemma also learns from Unser that Juice has been picked up by the cops, and he thinks Juice has been talking to Jax, which makes Gemma paranoid since he knows everything. She also lets him stay at T-M because Unser might be the only one who truly has Gemma’s back other than Nero.

-Jax visits the drugged-out preacher’s wife and her son to get them to sign some document, and to confirm that her husband is dead; Happy asks her if she wants to see a picture. He is fantastic. Jax apparently knows real estate law now, or maybe it is due to his high school education because he convinces the mom to sign said document stating that Marks threatened her to turn over the property and combined with the bodies on his property, the cops could get him for murder. You came this far on some bloody shit, Jax, now you’re punking out? He also learns that a pimp named Greensleeves (not to be confused with A Pimp Named Slickback from The Boondocks) has been blackmailing the mom with pictures of her husband being freaky, since everyone has pics of him apparently. Jax says they will take care of that, and take her up to his cabin to get clean because he is Betty fucking Ford.

-Nero knows who Greensleeves is and takes Jax and Chibbs to see him, and we meet this dude twisting one of his girl’s arms and hits her with the line of the episode: “Who puts the ‘o’ in ‘hoe’?” (The answer? She does, apparentły). That could mean so many different things and nothing at all at the same damn time. They try to confront him, but Greensleeves gets away and the boys end up with Winsome, the aforementioned lady who ends up getting a job offer from Jax because he is also a recruiter. The offer: get off the street and become an escort, and tells us where Greensleeves is. This whole thing is so unbelievable, but she’s cute, so whatever.

-Jax and Chibbs go to his apartment, where Greensleeves is chillin’ with some schwacked-out girl, who gets tossed in the bedroom after Greensleeves is shot. They get the phone with the pictures, but Jax takes it a step further and tries to throw Greensleeves out of the window to indicate a suicide, but he can’t even do that right. Chibbs looks at him like, “the fuck is wrong with you?”.

-Jax sent Happy and Rat to get Gemma and take her to the cabin to help with his Betty Ford clinic, and we learn that everyone is scared of Gemma, even Happy. That was pretty good. But Gemma gets her back up like Jax is taking her to be killed and packs a gun, which she does in a room with Thomas, and she decides to confess that she killed Tara. Lo and behold, Abel is creeping around in the doorway and he hears this while Thomas is just tryna eat his cookie in peace.

-Wendy is tryna hold this all together, telling Gemma that Jax wouldn’t hurt her. Then she goes to check on Abel, who opens his eyes when she leaves and he is slowly becoming one of those “Children of the Corn” kids. But Wendy survives another episode, so my “Wendy leaves with the kids” prediction is still on.

-I almost forgot this: Nero is taking Winsome to her new job and she asks him if he is a gangster and he says, “I don’t think so”. Sir, you are running with not one, but TWO gangs. Stop it. You want Jax to buy your stake in the escort business, and the Mayans to help you out as well. You have had multiple chances to get out, and now you see the light. This fuckin’ guy, bruh.

-Juice gets put in isolation so he can’t even do what Jax wants, and he gets a cellmate, who turns out to be one of Marilyn Manson’s boys, so they sit down to talk about politics, I assume.

-Gemma is at the cabin and she is totally ready to cap someone because she thinks she is really about to die, but it turns out she really does have to play nurse for a junkie. Come on, Gemma. Jax wouldn’t do you like that. I do know that much. But she has to know she doesn’t have long before this house of cards falls down.

-We end with SAMCRO and the Mayans at a park where they are waiting for Marks as they try to blackmail him with the signed document from the junkie mom. But Marks has other plans as he has his people tail Bobby, who is going to the cabin to check on everything. They run Bobby off the road, and well, the result isn’t good for him. His security guy gives Jax a box with an iPad that shows Bobby getting his eyeball ripped out and the eyeball is also in the box. Not gon’ front, and I love me some Bobby (even after he went rogue during the last days of Clay), but I was kinda cheering for Marks. Jax deserved this. He has been triple-crossing for so long that this was coming.

This episode seemed so damn long, don’t you think? But it sets up the big battle brewing between Jax and Marks, I am pretty sure Bobby is still alive (the eye jokes on Twitter were so real), we have to see if Juice completes his mission and of course, Abel….who is he going to tell about Gemma? The homestretch of Sons Of Anarchy is in sight.

The Walking Dead S05E02 – Strangers

After last week’s fiery premiere, The Walking Dead took its foot off the gas a little for “Strangers”, but I expected that because I have watched all of it so far. But it was only a little; it was still a well-executed set-up episode. Let’s go….

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-We open with the group continuing their journey, and there was a bunch of slow-motion shots that I didn’t really care for, but I wasn’t really bothered or anything. Of course, I was focused on Killa Carol, who can’t bring herself to tell Daryl about killing Lizzie in “The Grove”, which might be my favorite episode of The Walking Dead. Then Rick almost hands over the reins to Carol, asking her if they can join up with her. He still isn’t over her killing Karen and the other dude at the prison, but he seems to be willing to move past it. That’s a start for stubborn-ass Rick.

-Michonne gets a little speaking time and says she doesn’t miss her life pre-zombie apocalypse, but she does miss Andrea (God, she was awful) and Herschel (who absolutely had to die). There is no time in this new life to worry about the past, because you never know what it is front of you.

-Daryl and Carol are keeping watch in the woods while everyone sleeps, and they hear something, but they don’t see anything. However, we get the viewpoint from a shadowy figure in the bushes, whom I instantly thought was Morgan. More on that later.

-The group, which is like, 15 deep at this point, hears some screaming and they run up to see a priest (y’all might wanna call him a minister, I’m not arguing semantics) on top of a large rock, kicking away walkers. The priest is Seth Gilliam, who I know as Carver from The Wire, my all-time favorite show, so I hit that Birdman handrub. He gets frisked by Rick and they ask him the requisite questions: who are you, how many people a and/or walkers have you killed, etc. He says none and everyone is like, “bruh, you lyin’ ‘”. He says he has a church, of course, but something doesn’t sit right with anyone, myself included.

-The group examines the church and it seems to be safe, so they figure the next step is to get food, to which the priest says there is only one place left that he hasn’t cleaned out. I raised an eyebrow because this dude said he hasn’t killed anything or anyone, but you can’t survive as long as he has without killing something. You just can’t. Zombies don’t care about the word of God, son.

-Rick gathers Michonne, Sasha and Bob to go with him and the minister, who Rick doesn’t trust at all. He tells Carl that they are not safe anywhere in this world because Carl trusts the priest, he thinks that not everyone can be bad. While Carl has grown up a lot, he still has some child-like naïveté about him because, well, he is still a kid. He is learning, though.

-Bob tries to talk Rick into listening to Abraham’s Washington plan because he thinks there is a world outside of zombies and death. Poor Bob. He has been my pick to die for a while and Rick walkin’ with all these black people? Yeah, someone gotta die, especially since the priest came on board. AMC has far reached their quota for black people in a show. Have you seen Breaking Bad and Mad Men?

-Far more interesting to me were the other scavengers, like Glenn, Maggie and Tara as Glenn finds some silencers in a store. Tara tells Maggie that she was with the Governor before joining them, and remember, he killed Herschel, who was Maggie’s father. She seems to forgive her, saying that she is with them now. That is big of her. Wouldn’t be me.

-Can we talk about how Maggie hasn’t asked ONCE where her sister is? I know she is happy to see Glenn and shit, but damn. Beth is her sister. I don’t even think they separated on bad terms. Shit is off.

-Carol and Daryl are getting some water and they run up on an abandoned car. Daryl knows that Carol doesn’t want to talk about what happened to the girls, but he wants to start over. Everyone wants to start over. Good luck with that.

-Rick and his crew get to a food bank with the priest and find a bunch of walkers in a hole in the ground, just marinating in sewer water. I bet they smell just terrible. The problem is, the canned food is down with them. So they head down there and the priest is freaking out, scrambling to get away from them and Rick is like wow, this dude is really bitchmade like that. My theory is that he recognized the zombies as people from his congregation and he did something to them.

-We learn that something indeed happened as Carl leads Rick to the back of the church when he returns with a whole bunch of food. We see scratches on the paint, which is fair enough because there were probably walkers outside. But then we see “YOU’LL BURN FOR THIS” scratched into the paint as well, Yeah, the priest definitely did some shit.

-They’re feasting inside the church, and Abraham finally hits them with the “follow Eugene to Washington” plan, where Eugene says the infrastructure is there to start over, which sounds like it is full of shenanigans, but whatever, it’ll become more clear soon. But I have never trusted that crew and I would be happy if they got merked in their sleep. Except for Rosa; she’s fine. Anyway, Rick says they will go with him and everyone is merry and happy, which means something bad is about to happen.

-Bob gave Sasha a kiss and then walks outside to cry, because going outside by yourself in the dark is a great idea. Honestly, I think he got bitten when he fought the underwater zombie and he deserved it for two reasons: one, he knows we don’t do well with water and two, did he not see the bubbles in the water? Fuck Bob, b. He gets bopped over the head by the shadowy figure from earlier.

-Meanwhile, Daryl finds Carol outside messing with the car they found earlier, and it looks like she is tryna bail. However, they get distracted by the same car that kidnapped Beth. Somehow, their car magically gets power and we are in for a high-speed chase.

-We learn who hit Bob: it was Gareth, and I didn’t think we would see the Terminus people for a while yet. Turns out Tyreese didn’t kill that guy in the shack, stupid ass and Bob comes around to find out that he is missing the bottom half of his left leg….and Gareth is just chowing down on that shit like he is at a cookout. I was more shocked at the dude being alive than that. They did stitch up Bob pretty good, though.

So, we get to see something about Beth in the next episode, and I assume Rick and ’em will go hunting for Bob and probably run into some shit. Just another day in the life of The Walking Dead, where good people try to be good and it never goes right for anyone.

American Horror Story: FreakShow S04E02 – Massacres And Matinees

The best part of the American Horror Story series, in my not-so-humble opinion, is that nothing is off the table. I would love to sit in the writer’s room and listen to them brainstorm, because I bet no idea is shot down, and instead they work to fit in whatever insanity out there. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it is never boring and it continues with the second episode of FreakShow, “Massacres and Matinees”. Let’s go….

-The people of Jupiter are obviously freaked out by everything that happened in the first episode, all the killings and such, but now that a cop is dead, shit is ON now and the Elsa Mars freak show is obviously going to be targeted. Jimmy Lobsterhands can’t lead this crew, they’ll all be dead by the sixth episode. But, more on that later.

-Meanwhile, we see a kid in a toy store looking like the milkman from the premiere, and he is just as stupid. He is looking for his boss, but he sees a toy in the middle of the floor, which would have sent me out the door in no time flat. But nah, son needs to investigate and out of nowhere, a robot comes across the floor…..with a trail of blood. At that point, myself and the people I was watching with are like, “GET THE FUCK OUT”, but nah, this Hardy Boys-ass mufucka continues to follow the blood trail, head down, completely oblivious to Twisty the Clown just chillin’ between two other fake clowns. Would you not smell him, with all the blood and dirt? Anyway, the kid follow the trail to the severed head of his boss, and promptly gets the Twisty scissors through the neck. Dude deserved it. Keep your head up, dammit (word to Eric Lindros, Google his name with Scott Stevens).

-The freak show is partyin’ because they are making a little money despite a curfew that has been put down, but Jimmy isn’t having it. He just wants the townspeople to see them as normal, but yeah dogg, you killed a cop, so you won’t get any sympathy from them.

-We head to the house of Gloria and Dandy Mott, and they are eating snails cooked up by Miss Patti Labelle! Seriously, if we have to sit through all the musical numbers this season (more on that in a bit), and Miss Patti doesn’t get a chance to rock the mic before she dies (oh, she WILL die), Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk gotta be questioned. He storms out of the dining room complaining of boredom and we get a slight view of how tapped he is (shoutout to Dandy drinking liquor out of a glass baby bottle), which he gets from mama Gloria. Miss Patti (yeah, fuck what her character name is) tells Gloria that she thinks Dandy has been going around killing stuff, which means she is definitely gon’ die.

-We go back to the freak show, which might be getting a new act: Angela Bassett makes her FreakShow debut as Desiree Dupree, along with her husband, Dell Toledo, who is played by Michael Chilkis, whom you might remember from The Shield and the Thing in the Fantastic Four joints. Desiree heads over to tell Elsa her story, and shows off her attributes in the form of three breasts and apparently a penis as she is a hermaphrodite. We see a flashback to Chicago, where she and Dell had to flee from as he killed a man for having sex with Desiree, which brings up a whole slew of other questions. Anyway, Dell begs Elsa for a deal as she says they are full with acts, which is strange considering his later behaviour.

-Dandy (who is played by Finn Wittrock, which is absolutely fitting) goes to the freak show and finds Jimmy, and he also wants to join, and Jimmy is like, are you serious, bruh? He can’t understand why Dandy would want to leave his comfy home in society, but he doesn’t realize just how fucked this dude is. Moral of the story: it is quite the struggle to be comfortable in your own skin, no matter who you are.

-Ironically, Jimmy tells Dandy he is not welcome at the freak show, so Dandy returns home and Gloria has gotten him a new friend. The scene with Gloria picking up Twisty on the side of the road is just fantastic and a microcosm of why I love American Horror Story. She doesn’t ask why a clown is randomly walking down the street, and doesn’t flinch when he turns to her with his facemask (like for real, a mask of a face, b). Just simply asks him if he wants a job while explaining her son is in a mood. She is on some good drugs, I tell ya. They go up to a room where Twisty is standing among what seems to be a croquet set, and Dandy orders him to amuse. Twisty starts pulling shit out of a trunk, while Dandy looks through his bag and never questions why he has a pair of bloody scissors in there. He gets bopped on the head and Twisty is like, fuck this, I’m out, this dude is crazy. That should tell you something about Dandy.

-While this is my favorite part of the show so far, we should go back to the freak show, where we learn that Dell is Jimmy’s father via a conversation with Ethel (Kathy Bates), who recognized Dell’s strongman car pulling in. We also find out that Bette can’t sing worth a damn, but miss uptight Dot can, so the sisters will be the headliners, although Elsa still thinks she is the star. Bruh, we watched that David Bowie joint you did last week. You ain’t it.

-Dell decides they should do matinees with the curfew in fact, and this raises my biggest question of the episode: how do you go from begging for a job to tryna run shit? And how do you say that no woman is the boss of you and you’re fuckin’ a hermaphrodite? This dude gotta die.

-Meanwhile, Jimmy takes his crew into town so the locals get to know them, but that backfires like shit. One lady asks them to leave because they are scaring her daughter, they can’t get service, all kinds of shit. I saw it as a comparison to segregation in the 50s, if you wanna go that route. Dell walks in and orders the group out because they are basically giving the people a free show, so why would they pay? Then he and Jimmy go outside and he proceeds to beat the dogshit out of him because, well, why wouldn’t you want to punch the son you abandoned? He goes to Elsa and tells her that Della gotta go, but she doesn’t listen until she notices that her name is at the bottom of the poster for the matinee.

-Who is the headliner of the show? Bette and Dot, and the latter rolls out Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”, and let me tell you, the party was ON for me. First, this is 1952, so what, 40-plus years before “Criminal” came out? And why were they moshing and crowdsurfing? “Criminal” isn’t a song for either of those things. Just when you think American Horror Story can’t get any more ridiculous, it pulls some left field shit and all you can do is party.

-Obviously, Elsa is jealous of the reception the twins get and sneaks into their room to talk to Bette, and gives her knife to stab her sister. Now, Dot stabbed her before, so I guess she is fair game. But if she does, does Bette have to carry around her sister’s dead head? I don’t know how the biology of all this works, but I am sure we will get a bullshit explanation. And I will buy it for $1000, Alex.

-The cops make an appearance and end up taking Lil Meep in as Jimmy tried to plant evidence of the detective murder on Dell, who appears to be smarter than that and found out. Meep gets taken to jail with a slew of other criminals and I am sure there was some raping in the mix.

-Dandy follows Twisty to his bus of horrors, and Twisty is tryna amuse the kid and the girl, who has found a way to get out. Long story short, she hits him over the head and they run, and she runs right into Dandy, who is like, oh, so this is what you’re about, Clowny? So they take them back into the bus, where I am sure nothing goes well for the kid and the girl.

-Oh yeah, we see why Twisty needs to cover his mouth. Good Jesus. I’m not sure what was in there. Could be maggots, could be pieces of human flesh, but whatever it was, shit was NASTY. Y’all are lucky I couldn’t find a picture of it because NOW, the internet has standards, apparently.

-We close on the cops throwing Meep’s beaten and dead body at Jimmy’s feet, and he gets pretty choked about it. Jimmy gon’ go to war with the cops now? It would appear so.

So, two episodes into FreakShow and it is already living up to the AHS formula. The more ridiculous, the better and I here for ALL of it. Good luck guessing what will go on next week; I stopped doing that last season.