Halloween is on the horizon, so you know American Horror Story is about to cook up something special. Freak Show hit us with the first part of a doubleheader, which has a couple different meanings this season, and “Edward Mordrake, Part 1” just introduces more fuckery into our AHS lives. Let’s go…
-We open at a scientific museum, and by scientific museum, I mean the House Of Thousand Corpses Of All Kinds. But we learn that the place isn’t doing too well because people are watching Ed Sullivan, so they are looking for new specimens. This is where “Dr. Mansfield” and “Ms. Rothschild” come into play as we get the first glimpse of Denis O’Hare and Emma Roberts, who were last seen as Spalding the creepy butler/doll aficionado and Madison the prissy bitch/dead boyfriend stealer in Coven. But the museum curators aren’t buying their stories as they figure out the doctor doesn’t have a Harvard degree like he says, and the specimen they try to pass off as a baby Sasquatch is really just a baby goat with a cat’s jaw attached. E for effort, though. Still, one of the curators whispers that, while this is some bullshit, they would pay top dollar for some real freaky shit. I wonder where they could find that sort of thing? OH, FLORIDA.
-Meanwhile, it is Halloween and the kids are out trick or treating at 4 pm because of the curfew, and this kid on a clown suit is trying to scare his little sister, who is afraid of clowns. So who does she see behind a bush? Ol’ Scalpy McTootherson, Twisty, and she tries to tell her mom, who reminds me of a third-rate Betty Draper from Mad Men. Her mom doesn’t believe her, but more on that in a bit as the scene ends with Twisty chillin’ across the street and WHY IS NO ONE NOTICING HIS FACE? I know it is Halloween, but shit.
-Ethel takes her beard to the doctor, where she learns she got that cirrhosis, and about six months to a year to live. But more importantly, I read an article in which a linguist said that her accent is supposed to be from Baltimore, so now all I hear is a poor version of Snoop from The Wire. Kathy Bates is better than this, right? Anyway, she gon’ die.
-So of course, she ends her sobriety by joining the “RIP Meep” party on the freak show’s day off because YOLO, and we also learn why the freak show doesn’t work or even rehearse on Halloween. Ethel tells the story of Edward Mordrake, who looks like a homeless man’s Jack White, but he has a face on the back of his head that talks to him and makes him go crazy. He gets sent to an asylum (shoutout to the shitty second season of American Horror Story), but kills a man to escape and ends up at a freak show, where he ends up killing everyone in the show as well as himself. So if the freaks work on Halloween, his ghost comes back and kills everyone. This might be the most logical story AHS has ever told.
-Dot doesn’t believe the story and thinks they should work anyway, and she is really starting to become a pain in the ass. The diva is starting to come out and she is being even worse to Bette, who always looks sad as shit and I just wanna hug her neck. Sarah Paulson, bruh.
-Speaking of diva, Miss Patti Labelle is back as Dora, and she gets to watch Dandy flip the fuck out as his mom gets him a Howdy Doody costume for Halloween. Dora gives him a look like, “you spoiled sonofabitch”. She also wears a Woody Woodypecker costume, so I can cross “seeing Patti Labelle in a Woody Woodypecker costume” off my bucket list.
-Somewhere in there, Desiree tries to get Dell to give her the business, but he can’t get it up, which I assume has been happening quite a bit, hence her bangin’ the dude in Chicago that Dell kills and they end up here. He grabs her by the throat, but the look that Angela Bassett gives him like, “if you don’t get your impotent hands off me…”, and he stomps off. But all sorts of questions arise about the sheer physics and biology of Desiree having sex. She is working with a lot of stuff.
-Dell ends up outside with Ethel, who tells him that she is dying and she wants him to watch over Jimmy McLobsterhands, but not to tell him he is his father. She also asks him if he ever loved her and he says no. I can’t wait for him to die.
-Emma Roberts, whose real name is Maggie Esmeralda (her character, obviously), rolls up to the freak show in a cab and tells Jimmy she is a fortune teller. He takes her to Elsa, who is wacked out on opium because Jessica Lange stays playing women addicted to something or everything. Maggie tells her fortune, which seems like some bullshit, but she does a good job at getting clues from around Elsa’s room on some Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects” shit. She also says she sees a refined man that will help Elsa, but she passes out. Was it Mordrake? Things that make you go hmmmm.
-Dot has a dream in which the twins are getting separated and that disturbs Bette, and Dot doesn’t care that one of them will die. Good grief, Dot gets a little attention and loses her mind. Bette might gotta kill her.
-Jimmy and Maggie are out on his bike and she calls Denis O’Hare, whose name is Stanley. She says the freaks are weird and she wants to pull out, but he convinces her to stick with the plan. We also learn that Stanley gets freaky himself with a dude in a Viking helmet and that he has, well, we have a few options. Either he has an extremely large penis, a small one, none at all, multiple penises or one with a face on it. Hell, we see an arm-penis with a boot on it in the opening credits. Tell me you would be surprised by any of this and if you are, this is obviously your first AHS season.
-Dandy turned his Howdy Doody costume into a clown, of course, and he goes downstairs to attempt to kill Dora, who all but calls him a bitch and tells him that she knows about the cat killings, but he is too pussy (DUALITY!!!!!) to kill a person. She’s not wrong……yet.
-Elsa gets into an argument with Dot about rehearsing and Dot is awful ungrateful to someone without whom she would be in jail. That Fiona Apple cover gassed her up. But Elsa wins because it is her show, and she is confident because Maggie said she saw a crowd cheering for her. So Elsa does her own cover of a Lana Del Rey song, called “Gods and Monsters” apparently because I don’t fuck with LDR like that. This summons Mordrake with some green smoke, but he then disappears and Elsa is like, “damn, that opium is good shit”.
-He shows up in Ethel’s trailer and he forces her to tell her deepest pain, which is Dell not only rejected her, but he charged people to watch her give birth to Jimmy. Who the hell would pay to see a bearded lady give birth? Mufuckas was bored back in the day. Anyway, he doesn’t kill her, strangely because the dude with a face on the back of his head also has a heart.
-Dandy is at Twisty’s trailer, tryna get up the heart to stab the little boy and the girl. Twisty enters and what has he been up to? He was at the house of the little trick or treater from earlier and AHS fakes us out because it is shot from the viewpoint of someone sneaking around while the mother is talking to her friend in the living. We think that it is Twisty, but it is the little girl’s brother. Then, Twisty sneaks up behind dude and takes him out through the window, so which the daughter is like, “see, I fucking TOLD you about the clown” to the mother. So now, the Twisty and Dandy Daycare has one more client.
Part 2 of the Halloween special is shaping up to be a good one. We are getting Twisty’s backstory, which we have all been waiting for. Mordrake gotta kill someone, you would think. And something isn’t sitting right about Dora with me; I think she has, or will, kill something. Because in American Horror Story, all bets are off.