American Horror Story: Freak Show rolls on with “Pink Cupcakes”, and after their two-part special on the Edward Mordrake myth, it would seem like it would get into a more streamlined style of storytelling. Not so much. If anything, I may be more confused by Freak Show than I was before, but that was to be expected. Let’s go…..
-We open with Stanley and Maggie back at the museum in which we first saw them in, and they show the body of Paul the Illustrated Seal, dead as all hell and Stanley is so proud, although that is tempered when he doesn’t get the credit for finding Paul. I’m not sure at what point this takes place because “Pink Cupcakes” jumps all over the place when it comes to time. Keep that in mind as you’re reading this.
-Then we go back to what I assume is the current time as Stanley is discussing with Maggie on how they’re going to store the bodies of the freaks, which they’re killing to give to this museum so they can get this money, but Stanley says he needs Maggie to stick with the plan and he is going to continue to get close to Elsa. Maggie doesn’t want to be down with murder because she sort of feels something towards Jimmy, who saved her from Twisty and Dandy last week. She also calls Stanley a “poof” because he has magazines of shirtless men falling out of his bag. I had no idea that was even a thing and all I can think about Cheesy Poofs from South Park.
-At the Mott house, Gloria finds Dora laid out in blood on the floor and screams, and she instantly sees through Dandy’s lie because she knows her son is fucking nuts. And for killing the maid, he gets sent to his room. Sounds about right.
-Stanley approaches Elsa as a TV exec, and Elsa goes on this big spiel about television trying to replace movies as an art and all but spits on it. The irony of Jessica Lange making this speech isn’t lost on anyone, but we should be used to her characters doing these types of speeches. Stanley leaves to go watch her show, of which Elsa’s delusions still have her as the star.
-Jimmy and Maggie are outside and Maggie reads his McLobsterHands to tell his future, and says that there is a man coming whom he shouldn’t listen to, meaning Stanley, we think. Jimmy tries to kiss her and that doesn’t work out well for him, because even though she is playing a role, she ain’t tryna to have the lobster hands messin’ around down there. For good reason, as we see soon….
-Jimmy heads to Dell’s trailer to find him, and he doesn’t find him, but he does find a drunken Desiree who tells Jimmy that Dell isn’t as bad as everyone thinks. Jimmy starts going on about Meep and tries to kiss Desiree, who rejects him at first, but they start going at it and he starts rummaging around down there. Next thing you know, blood everywhere, bruh. I automatically thought he cut her dick off, and a rousing conversation about what happened during the commercial break.
-Ethel takes Desiree to her doctor while Elsa is just bombing on stage, singing that “Life on Mars” song from the premiere or the second episode. Like, mufuckas throwing popcorn at her. This is something that needs to be brought back, although people might get shot now. Elsa calls for Stanley and wants to know about “this television”, because she is not the star she thinks she is.
-Desiree gets scoped out by the doctor, who figures out that she is 100% woman, and that the penis down there is really just an enlarged clitoris, and the bleeding was actually a miscarriage. I’m not sure on the whole biology about this, but we’ll go with it, because American Horror Story.
-Gloria orders her gardeners to dig a huge hole as they’re planning to bury Dora, and we learn that Dandy’s father was also prone to killin’ mufuckas because they have an inbred family. So much is explained here. I think this has been theorized from the beginning. She basically tells him that they’ll figure out a way to handle his impulsives, so Dandy is turning into Dexter, apparently.
-Elsa gets all dressed up and is ready to leave with Stanley, but she sees him driving off with Bette and Dot, and you can see the insides of her soul collapse. But then, we skip forward in time and see the twins inside the museum in one of Stanley’s kill jars, and he tells the curator that they died of pneumonia or something, but really, he poisoned Bette with a pink cupcake, then suffocated Dot because she wouldn’t eat one. Watching Bette crying in bed with Dot’s dead head beside was creepy as shit. But apparently, none of this happened, which is great because there was no way I would be happy with Sarah Paulson leaving after five episodes.
-We see a Dandy workout montage and he is in his underwear, talking about being a murderer or an actor or both, I don’t know. I was too busy laughing at the montage to pay attention to him. But he goes to a gay bar, where he sees Dell talking to a male prostitute and we realize why he can’t have an erection with Desiree; it is because he is gay, but he thinks she has a penis and it’s all very confusing. Dell has been telling this prostitute for a while now that he’ll run away with him, but he has Desiree and all and when the dude (named Andy) says he is working, Dell storms off. Enter Dandy, and Andy tells him all of his prices, and we deduce that gay brothels were cheap as shit in 1952.
-Dell goes home to Desiree, who tells him what the doctor told her and Dell isn’t shook at all. She also knows that he is Jimmy’s father thanks to Ethel and he tries to scare her, but Angela Bassett channels “Waiting To Exhale” and tells him to get the fuck outta her face before leaving.
-Dandy leads the prostitute out to the bus, because it is always good to follow strangers in the woods. Then they play some “take off your clothes with our backs to each other” game, which sounds the worst game in the world and you just know this isn’t gon’ turn out well for Andy as Dandy turns around and is wearing some briefs and the Twisty mouth. Dandy stabs the shit outta Andy, like, 25 times, and starts to saw off his limbs to dispose of them in acid. Andy wakes up because the mufucka just won’t die and he begs Dandy to kill him, but Dandy is like, meh, I’ll get to it.
-Dora’s daughter Regina calls Gloria to ask why her mother missed their weekly phone call, and PRECIOUS BACK, Y’ALL. Gabourey Sidibe returns to the cast and has this “this bitch…” look on her face as Gloria lies to her about her mother being alright. Gloria asks Regina about how she was as a mother as she kinda hung around Dandy as a kid, and Regina was like, you wasn’t really around back then. Gloria says something about that was the way she was raised, and Regina was like, I don’t have time for this, and hung up.
-Dell pays the doctor a visit and basically says to leave Desiree’s genitalia alone or he is going for his family. He sure loves the peen, or what he thinks is a peen. He broke dude’s fingers like shit, though. I think the doctor would have been fine without all that. Dell is an asshole, man.
-Dandy shows up at his house in his underwear, covered in blood on some “Oooops, I Did It Again” shit, and we wonder how the hell he got home without anyone seeing him. But again, and you have to say this every single episode, you have to let some shit slide with American Horror Story.
-Finally, we see Elsa driving the twins somewhere as she told them she wanted to be their mentor, but she took them to the Mott house as Gloria wanted to buy them when she took Dandy to the freak show. These twins are in a world of trouble, no matter who they go with.
A typically weird episode of AHS as they continue to shock, and I’m tryna figure out what Dell’s angle is, and how many people Dandy is about to kill. Maggie looks like she is tryna warn Jimmy, who is looking to fuck anything that moves, and of course, I’m worried about Bette and Dot. Five episodes in, and I have no idea where American Horror Story is going, and that is the way I like it.