American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E06 – Bullseye

“Bullseye” picks up Freak Show right where American Horror Story‘s fourth series left off, and my big questions are answered immediately, kinda: what is Elsa gon’ do now that her TV dreams have been thrown in the bushes, and what happened to the twins? Let’s go…

-Elsa is getting some of her staff to roll a big-ass wheel into the main room, and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but could the freak show have a creepier entrance? A giant devil’s head with some wild eyes, and y’all wonder why people don’t come to see you? Jeez. Get them in the show, THEN scare them, but I mean, my freak show experience is minimal, so what do I know?

-The wheel is for Elsa’s throwing knives act, which she used to do back in the day, she tells Ethel. This is for the television show, she says, but didn’t Stanley leave with the twins to end that dream? She looks far too high to be throwing knives, though. Keep that in the back of your mind. Elsa be lookin’ disheveled as shit.

-At the Mott house, which scares me more than the freak show, Gloria and Dandy are having some sort of meal, and Gloria gives her son what I think are matches and I was like, oh great, give the guy ammo. But nope, they’re condoms apparently, because Gloria doesn’t want him breeding because of the whole “incest bloodline making him murderous” thing. Dandy rejects them and says that he is all about that raw life and he is in love with Bette and Dot, who are at his house and I am so confused about what happened at the end of the last episode. But I know how AHS rolls, and rule #4 of AHS is, forget what happened in the last episode. Anyway, Dandy tryna get this threesome poppin’, although the twins are bending all the definition rules of threesomes (number of heads/holes/limbs, all sorts of questions here).

-It is also Elsa’s born day, and she is receiving twins, one of which is Ma Petite in a box in a sweater. Elsa looks a hot mess because, well, opium, but she does manage to notice that the freaks don’t look happy. They miss the twins, which certainly pisses Elsa off, and she demands they have fun because, dammit, she is,

-She is in bed with Paul, tattooed cuz with the seal arms, and apparently they’ve been doin’ the business for a minute now. She also doesn’t have her legs on, and the idea of them having sex opens up a whole ‘nother box of questions, but I can’t explain at least three of them without a drawing. She also says something about Paul visiting her in Hollywood, because Elsa is fucking delusional. Then Paul hands Ma Petite to Elsa, and I hope she ain’t have to see/hear all that.

-However, Paul has other plans as he is sneaking away to be with Penny, the nurse Elsa drugged in the first episode. Apparently, the opium opened her up to that freak life, but Paul won’t sleep with her because he wants her to love him for him, which is admirable, I guess. But he has to hide when Penny’s father comes to her room. More on THAT mufucka in a bit.

-Dandy is tryna get on the twins’ good side by making them all of the food (well, the Motts’ chef), and Bette loves the cavier, but Dot isn’t really feeling Dandy. That is, until Dandy tells them about a successful surgery separating a pair of Siamese twins. Dot is like, well shit, I can’t afford this, but Dandy can, so I’ll play nice. Then she dreams of being comforted by Jimmy over the death of her sister after the separation, which is some cold, cold shit. I have three takeaways from this: Sarah Paulson continues to be great and my Emmy agenda has been shifted into another gear, Dandy might say fuck it and separate them himself, and these twins have awful taste in men.

-Paul goes to a drugstore to buy some perfume, and he sees Dandy, who is buying two of everything, all girl stuff. Paul puts two and two together, but Dandy tells the store owner that the freak is bothering him and he might have stole something, because Paul has such a reach on him. Paul leaves and spits on the window, and I fucks with that dude.

-Paul goes back to tell Jimmy about what he saw, but Jimmy ain’t tryna hear it, which is funny because he was tryna leave like, three eps ago. Paul tells Jimmy that Elsa isn’t what she seems, spittin’ that truth.

-The twins find out that one of the twins from the surgery has died, and they start mind-talking to each other. Dandy thinks they shouldn’t have secrets, and tells them that he was the one who killed Twisty, but Dot not only declines to tell him a secret, but tells him that Jimmy was the real hero. Dandy freaks the fuck out because she isn’t playing by his fuckass rules, and he doesn’t like being told no. Son’s head starts to shake and shit. If this ain’t a hint and a half for their ass that this dude is NUTS.

-Stanley and Maggie meet, and Stanley is all about that paper, coming up with a plan to cut off Jimmy’s lobster hands and sell them to that museum. But Maggie is all sweet on Jimmy now and instead, wants to sacrifice Ma Petite. We see a disturbing dream sequence that involves Ma Petite, formaldehyde and a big-ass jar. Where are these jars coming from? They got a Costco in 1952 Jupiter, Florida?

-Elsa is singing a song for Paul, who is tryna get outta there and see Penny, and she notices that he smells like perfume that isn’t hers. She flips out and wants to know who it is, and he is like, fuck you, where are the twins? This sets her off and Elsa wants everyone awake because they have been talking shit behind her back, and she calls them, “ungrateful ingrates”, which tells you how mad she was because that is redundant as shit. Jimmy tries to calm her down, but Elsa says that if they trust her, someone will get on her knife wheel. Jimmy says he’ll do it, but Paul does it since he started this whole thing.

-So, Paul gets on this wheel, getting knives thrown at him by high-ass Elsa, who progressively looks like someone you’d see on Cops. Of course, she doesn’t hit him with the first two knives, but she nails him in the stomach with the third and doesn’t look like she gives a damn. Ol’ girl might have even smiled. Dat opium, bruh.

-Penny tries to sneak out to see Paul, but her father stops her with a shotgun because it could have been a burglar. They argue because Penny wants to go out and experience life, and her father is too strict. She eventually leaves, but here is the thing: even after he knows it is Penny, her father keeps the shotgun pointed at her. She might have a point. Who does that? Keep an eye on him going forward. Son might run up in the freak show on some Rambo shit.

-Maggie grabs Ma Petite and takes her to Stanley’s barn, and I can’t front, I was cookin’ off Ma Petite. Maggie told her to get in a jar, and Ma Petite was like, Weeeeeeeeee I’m a butterfly! She was flappin’ her little wings and shit, tryna blossom, it was sad, but SO GOOD. Even Maggie was like, I’m an asshole, but she wants the Lobsterhands D (that should be the name of a band) so she pours in the formaldehyde.

-Penny gets to the freak show, looking for Paul, and she finds him high as shit with Elsa, who is giving him opium for the pain, but no doctor yet. Elsa even told him that she won’t cry when he does because he betrayed her, and she tells Penny that there is no rush for a doctor. Uhhhhhhh, what?

-Jimmy tells Ethel what Paul told him about Elsa, but Ethel has always been one of Elsa’s biggest supporters; shit, she is even making a cake for Elsa’s born day. But they are interrupted by Eve, the tall woman, who says that Ma Petite is gone and she missed breakfast, which is not like her. They round up the troops, but Maggie comes out with Ma Petite, so she didn’t follow Stanley’s orders. She tells Jimmy that they should run away together, and he is just psyched that a quasi-normal girl likes him, but he has to do one thing before they leave.

-Stanley is waiting for Maggie in her trailer and he is pissed because he was ready to go back to Philly with Ma Petite. He isn’t leaving without Jimmy’s hands and I don’t even think he has a plan to get them, but he is getting them. I assume it involves a Viking hat.

-Dandy is a mess as he has read the girls’ diaries and man, Dot was spittin’ that ether at him. He bores her to tears and only laughs at his shitty jokes for money, reads Gloria, while Dandy is laid up in the fetal position. Gloria suggests that he focus on Bette and try to make Dot jealous, but it is all or nothing with Dandy, who grabs a knife and goes on some spiel about being put on earth to bring death to mufuckas. Finn Wittrock be actin’, dogg.

-Someone is at the door, and lo and behold, it is Jimmy, who Dandy says is here for the twins. He still has the knife, too. Someone is not leaving this house.

-Elsa and Ethel are talking over a single piece of birthday cake, and Elsa tells Ethel about her sister, who died in infancy and that she reminded her parents of that tragedy. Elsa thinks the freaks are her family, but Ethel says they don’t trust her and if she finds out she had anything to do with the twins leaving, Ethel would kill her. The episode closes on Elsa wishing to be loved as she blows out her candle.

So, we have the Jimmy/Dandy/Bette/Dot rectangle to deal with, Paul is still alive, Stanley is not leaving Florida without freak body parts, Elsa is, well, Elsa and Ethel doesn’t trust her. We ain’t even see Dell and DJ TripleTits (Desiree, thanks for that, Lindsay) this week. Yep, American Horror Story: Freak Show is right on schedule in that I have no clue what is going to happen next.

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