We got a little bit of everything in “Tupperware Party Massacre”, the latest edition of American Horror Story: Freak Show, and really, I mean everything. We get murder, we get tears, we get all sorts of sex, more genitalia questions, more characters and of course, tupperware. Shoutout to FX Canada getting their shit together and fixing the sound by 9:00 PM, although it was always good to reassemble with the crew and catch up. Let’s go…..
-We open with Maggie reading Dandy’s fortune, and we learn that Dandy has been busy as he discovered the greatness of blood baths. He killed an Avon lady and then got his Frankenstein on, sewing her head on his mother’s body as an ode to the twins, Bette and Dot, and we can only assume he bathed in that blood, too. She tells him everything will be fine and he gives her a $100 bill, but Dandy kinda grabs her hand and Maggie is like, you need to leave, playboy. If she can tell fortunes, she can surely tell that he is a murderous, blood-bathing, vein-poppin’ lunatic, right?
-Then we see Jimmy, who has linked up with Ima, the big girl, and he is just shovelling chocolate pudding into her face. He hits her with, for my money, the line of the season so far, possibly on all of TV: “If you want it long and hard, I need you soft and wide”. I need to know how many takes that took, because it had to take Evan Peters at least 14 takes to not laugh when he said that. And holy shit, she is BIG. She has taken to the freak show very quickly, though.
-But we also learn that Jimmy has been doing a lot of drinking since Ethel died, and he freaks out when he sees Dandy, telling him that he knows he was the other clown with Twisty, but no one really believes him because he is a drunken mess. He tries to punch Dandy and falls the fuck over like a Portuguese soccer player (I love soccer, I can make those jokes, but shit happens sometimes). Dandy bends down and tells Jimmy that he is a god, and since he took the twins, he is basically aiming to take Jimmy’s soul and whatever is left of his dignity. Go for the first one, Dandy, because there isn’t much left of the latter.
-Stanley and Elsa have formed quite the team after taking out Ethel as they’ve managed to track down the twins in a motel, and I’ma be honest, I had NO idea where they even were. Stanley tells them that they found a doctor to perform their surgery, and they might want to seriously consider it as an angry mob formed to kill Ethel and they’re out for the freaks. The twins look perturbed. Sarah Paulson is good as shit, man. More on that later.
-Desiree and Maggie are walking around when they run into, hey, look, Malcolm Jamal-Warner! Dude is getting all the FX work lately as he was on Sons Of Anarchy (he said like, four lines, but whatever, it counts), and good for him; things aren’t going too well for his TV dad, so someone has to carry on the Huxtable name (Lisa Bonet was on New Girl this season). Anyway, Maggie learns quickly that he (his name is Angus T. Jefferson, which sounds like a new burger at McDonalds) and Desiree know each other and gives them a minute, which turns into nothing, but he’ll be back.
-Maggie and Desiree walk in on Jimmy giving Ima the business, and they kinda sit there and watch for a minute like it is a zoo. Then Maggie remembers like, hey, I used to bang him, and goes in on Ima, calling her a pillow and a donut (and something else), basically, a hole to stick something in. Jimmy tries to retort, but he throws up instead. Dude is not having a good day so far.
-So, he decides to take a trip into town to visit the housewives who pay him to pleasure them during their “tupperware parties”, but apparently he can’t even do that anymore, but then he starts hallucinating and seeing his dead mother, who is chastising him for becoming a fuckup, and he starts crying, only to realize that he is doing this in some stranger’s lap and they’re like, yeah, you need to get the fuck out, b. I’d like to say things can’t get much worse for Jimmy, but…..
-He leaves, and right after, the doorbell rings and it is Dandy, who gives the lady of the house some story about his car breaking down. They let him in, and as we’re watching, the crew is like, is he gon’ kill all the women?
-The husband comes home to a whole bunch of smeared blood everywhere, and yeah, Dandy killed ALL OF THE WOMEN, B. ALL OF THEM. They’re all floating in the pool and you know Dandy got his Michael Phelps on. I’ll personally buy the DVD if they include how he pulled this off. I just picture him running around gleefully, slicing everyone to pieces. But seriously, there were like, nine of them. Good grief.
-Stanley and Elsa take the twins to some bum-ass barn with a table on it, and he tells them that the doctor in question (Dr. Sugar) has the operation down to a tee and the twin that died in the previous operation passed of a rare infection. Neither of them seem to believe him, especially Bette, but she tells her sister that she is willing to sacrifice herself if Dot really wants the surgery. This is as real and emotional as you’re going to get in American Horror Story, and the fact that it’s Sarah Paulson having this conversation with herself as Bette, willing to lay her life on the line in a bullshit surgery for her selfish-ass sister, who realizes that she is a selfish ass, and the tears dripping off her nose, and she is holding her own hand, and Dot hits that, “If it comes to it…if they had to make a choice during surgery that only one of us would live…then I wanna give my life to you, sister.”….MAN, LISTEN. I swear I will fight every single person on the Emmy board if Sarah Paulson doesn’t get it this season. In fact, Finn Wittrock as Dandy should probably in the Supporting Actor category as well, and that’s all fine and good. But I will throw a car into a river if Sarah Paulson doesn’t get the Actress award for this.
-Speaking of Mr. Wittrock, he is getting ready for another soothing blood bath and in walks Regina, who doesn’t seem to notice all the blood somehow. She tells Dandy that she has contacted the cops about her mother’s disappearance and he is like, so fuckin’ what? He tells her that he is a god and not only did he kill Regina’s mother, but his mother, the Avon lady, shit, he might have copped to killing George Washington and Hitler as well, he told her EVERYTHING. Then he gets naked and asks her to join him in the tub of blood to get in on these powers, and I’m like, I have no idea how both of them are fitting in that tub, and I’m kinda interested to see how that works. She FINALLY notices the blood and she should probably die at this point, but he tells her to get out before he does kill her. Then he starts screaming about being above the law, all while naked, mind you. This dude Dandy, bruh. Greatness in a swaddle of insanity.
-Stanley finds Dell stumbling along drunkenly and asks him if he is going to the gay bar he frequents. Then outta nowhere, Stanley pulls that thang out and starts stroking it and making all sorts of cock jokes, asking Dell if he wanted to touch it and he’s never half-cocked and you should see it when it’s angry. Anything to make Dell uncomfortable and push him closer to the edge, even though this would have been the perfect time for Dell to just snap this dude’s neck.
-Dell is writing what we believe to be a suicide note to Jimmy as he is racked with guilt over his role in Ma Petite’s death and he should, because he is a piece of shit for that. He has a noose in his kitchen and then sees Ethel, who basically calls him a coward and to just do it, step by step. Dell also can’t deal with being a freak and Ethel tells him that he holds everything inside, which isn’t working out for him, but I also have to wonder if he’s ashamed of being gay as well, because he obviously likes the penis. Oh yeah, he also sees Ma Petite and I have to wonder, the fuck are these mufuckas drinking to see all these hallucinations? He’s just a mess, so he feels the need to do this and he actually goes through with it, but Desiree walks in at the last minute and cuts him down. What a punk this so-called strongman is.
-Stanley is in a motel room with a dude who is trying to play this Dr. Sugar role, and he stinks at knowing his lines. Stanley is like, whatever man, and gets a blowjob anyway. I’m still convinced there is something going on down there with Stanley and it’s not the size. TEETH, MUFUCKAS. TEETH.
-Regina shows up at Dandy’s crib with Detective Colquitt, and I learned from the American Horror Story Wikia that he is probably the same character from a couple episodes in the Murder House season. There have been a bunch of theories that all of these AHS seasons are connected somehow, and at first, I thought it was bullshit, but I’m coming around on it and I’ll expand on that when I figure it out. Anyway, Colquitt is like, yo, she is accusing you of being a killer and Dandy is like, yeah, I did it and I’ll get away with it because I’m rich as all the fucks and not only that, you’re going to kill her and bury the body for me because I’ll give you a cool million dollars, straight cash, homie (word to Randy Moss). With no hesitation at all, Colquitt turns to shoot Regina in the head and asks Dandy if he has a shovel. Because if there is one more thing we need to see on American television, it’s another corrupt cop.
-Bette and Dot track down Jimmy and goes on a big speech about how she has loved him since she laid eyes on him and he never looked at her as a freak, and then takes off her robe and we’re all like, so how many tittays are there on her? I think we settled on two, but I mean, if Desiree has three and a giant clitoris, everything is on the table, I would think. Jimmy asks Bette if she is down with this and she’s like, sure, I’ll just close my eyes, but Dot is like, dude, there is another mouth! So what does Jimmy do? He turns it down because he’s a fuckass and is in love with someone else, which I think would be Maggie, but hell, he could be all about Ima now. There is also an outside chance that he is projecting his love for his mother on Ima because they are both larger and if Ima grows a beard, then I was right. THIS is the kinda shit that runs through my mind while watching American Horror Story.
-So, he leaves the twins in tears, but then the cops roll up and accuse him of the tupperware party massacre, saying they found his glove at the scene. Maggie tries to intervene, but that doesn’t work and they take Jimmy away. Dandy set the homie up, obviously because money talks and bullshit runs the marathon (word to New Jack City).
There are only three episodes left in Freak Show and the worry is that there is too much going on because we’ve seen this happen time and time again. Will Bette and Dot go through with the surgery (whether they like it or not)? How will the freaks get Jimmy out of jail? Just how many more people will Dandy and his police force kill? Why did Theo Huxtable randomly show up in episode nine? How the fuck was that doctor from last week? What about Penny and her father? Shit, what about Elsa in general? I was fine with this episode as I have been with all of them, but right about now, the concern kicks in that American Horror Story isn’t going to be able to wrap all this shit up.