Monthly Archives: March 2015

The Walking Dead S05E16 – Conquer

The Walking Dead brought Season 5 to a close with “Conquer”, a title that didn’t seem to fit on first glance. But it wasn’t what you would have expected of Rick and the group, and it encapsulated everything that was good (and bad) about a damn good fifth season. Let’s go….

-We open with the homie Morgan, which was one of my big questions going into the episode because we hadn’t seen him since the finale of Season 5A, “Coda“. He’s sleeping in the back of a car, which seems dangerous because what if a horde of walkers surround you in your sleep, but I forgot who we’re talkin’ about. He gets out of the car and is chillin’, tryna have his morning coffee like a civilized person when he is approached by someone with a gun and a “W” on his forehead. So we find out the Wolves are a group that goes around reclaiming the territory, basically killing them off, which is something we kinda figured out, so he tells Morgan he is takin’ all his shit and Morgan is about to die, then he is joined by another wolf. The two try to take Morgan, who goes all black Donatello on them with a bow staff, and fucks their entire life up. He then realizes that dude ran up on him with an empty gun, which had to be a piss-off, so he kills a walker, puts the wolves in the car he was sleeping in and beeps the horn to attract more walkers before taking a rabbit’s foot that was hanging from the mirror. That was one of the best cold opens of the season. Also, as per the black Donatello thing, I finally watched a bit of Talking Dead and Lennie James, who plays Morgan, said he trained with someone that worked on the Ninja Turtles movie, so there is that. I was pretty proud of that. And fuck y’all, the new TMNT movie was great.

-Rick wakes up in a room with Michonne, who tells him that Pete is in his own house and she reiterates that they just needed to be not out there anymore, which is fair. Then they’re joined by Glenn, Abe and Carol, who starts asking Rick about the stolen gun that she stole, and Rick is kinda lookin’ at her like, bitch, what? YOU TOOK IT FOR ME. But I think it was a matter of Carol tryna get him ready for Deanna’s interrogation and Carol is the brains behind the operation. Carol tells Rick to tell them what they wanna hear, which is what she has been doing since she got her and Michonne asks her why. Carol hits her with, “because these people are children and children like stories”. Apparently Deanna is having some sort of forum with the town to figure out what to do with Rick, who then comes up with a plan to take Deanna and company hostage if things go south. Actually, WHEN things go south because we know our group. Michonne says they can talk to each other, but Rick is like, yeah, with knives to their throats. Even Glenn is kinda wary of this, so it’ll be interesting to see if the group moves with Rick, well, everyone outside of Carol. We know she is down.

-Maggie is glaring at Father Bitchass through a window, then turns her attention to Deanna and Reg about the evening’s forum. Deanna isn’t really down to talk about it, which is fair because she has to be still grieving Aiden, but Reg tracks Maggie down and says some ol’ Kumbayah shit about everyone living together. Reg is too good for this world, and we know what happens to those people in The Walking Dead.

-Sasha continues to be crazy, wheeling dead walkers to a hole she dug because why not keep dead walkers around? They add a ton to the surroundings and I’m sure they smell great. Anyway, she kinda slips into the hole and says fuck it, lying down on the walkers. What a GD mess she is.

-Daryl and Aaron are still trackin’ someone or something, and Aaron, who is always talking, tells the story of the trio that was exiled from Alexandria. It was two men and a woman, and they were driven far away from the town. He can’t let that happen again, he says. So are these people now wolves? Was that the woman that was tied to a tree? Actually, never mind, Aaron would have known it was her, unless he’s shady and that wouldn’t surprise me at all.

-Carol visits Rick, who asks why she sold him out with Michonne with the guns earlier, and Carol has her reservations about Michonne, which is completely fair; she’s been acting kinda strange since they got to Alexandria, but that’s because she just wanted to stop running. Rick says he doesn’t want to take Alexandria, and he doesn’t wanna lie anymore. Carol just smiles at him and says, “awwww sunshine….you don’t get both”. KILLA CAROL IS SUCH A FUCKING G.

-Aaron and Daryl are following a dude in a red poncho, then we cut to Rick walking down the street. He says hello to three dudes who are lookin’ around like, could we even take him? Then he glares at Deanna or rather, they glare at each other. Meanwhile, Nicholas is plottin’ on Glenn from across the street, then Maggie comes out and tells Glenn she will try and talk to the entire town to get Rick out of this. Rick goes to his house and tells Carl he might have to threaten some mufuckas at the meeting, and even Carl is like, oh fuck, again? But Carl seems to be taking pity on this group; they don’t know what the streets are like nowadays. Besides, he needs like, a few more days to holla at Enid.

-Daryl and Aaron find a food warehouse about 50 miles away from Alexandria, so they get past a fence and a buncha walkers and this seems like such a terrible idea. Aaron finds an Alaskan license plate, because that shit is important. Daryl is lookin’ around like, something doesn’t seem right, but he tries to open a container, which starts a booby trap and walkers start coming from every direction. The chase is on and they’re trapped under a truck. Daryl kills three walkers at once with a chain, and Aaron slams one of their heads in a door as the two are trapped inside a car. Daryl says hey, maybe if we chill for a couple hours, someone will come. Then Aaron finds a note that says, “TRAP BAD PEOPLE COMING DON’T STAY” and it looks like the last three words are written in blood, so there goes that plan.

-Pete is wallowing, and Carol is knocking at the door. Carol brings over a tuna casserole and a knife, and threatens to kill Pete if he doesn’t come back to treat Tara, along with him just being a dickbag in general. The shot of Carol threatening Pete, who is at least eight inches taller than Carol, is fantastic, and she hits him with that “come at me bro”. Carol has a way of making everyone around her feel very small when she wants to, and it makes Pete freak out as he drops the dish on the ground, starts yelling that it isn’t his house and trashes the place.

-After talking to Maggie, Glenn saw Nicholas climb over the wall, which seems to be a common theme in Alexandria, and he follows him through the woods, but Nicholas shoots him in the shoulder. Nicholas ain’t truly about that life because he had a clean shot, but when he goes to find Glenn, there is no body. He has no idea who he is messin’ with.

-Rick goes to see Jessie because that sounds like a great idea, which she even admits, but Rick doesn’t care and she tells him he was right. Pete is looking through the window from across the street, so that’s gon’ happen.

-We’re back to Daryl and Aaron in the car, and Daryl admits that he fits in better in the open than back at the houses, which sounds about right. Daryl then comes up with a plan to draw the walkers to him while Aaron makes a run for it, and Aaron is like, fuck that, we’re doing this together. They get their shit up to make a run for it and then, BAM, Morgan comes outta nowhere and clears a path for them. They’re like, who the fuck are you, b? Aaron starts talkin’ like shit, tellin’ names and where they live and Daryl shoots him a look like, yo, shit the fuck up. But Morgan says he is on somewhere and hands Daryl the map that says, “The new world is gonna need Rick Grimes”. WE’RE ALMOST THERE.

-Father Bitchass went for a walk outside of the gates and finds a walker with a noose around his neck and says that he is ready, and I would love to see this walker win, but he seems to notice the person that the walker was eating is still alive, and he is even too much of a coward to die. He kills the walker and the dude who was a buffet for said walker, and he continues to cry and lie in the street. Fuck this dude, fuck his life, his friends, his family and everything that has to do with him.

-Abe goes to visit Tara and brings this little pitiful plant, but he sees Eugene and doesn’t wanna deal with a discussion that I figured they had a long time ago. They apologize for past indiscretions (Eugene lying, Abe for knocking him out), and yeah, that’s cool. I don’t care. Good for them. One of them is dying in the first couple episodes of Season 6.

-Gabriel comes back and Spencer, Deanna’s other son, wants to talk to him later on. But Father Bitchass, being the fuckboy he is, DOESN’T SHUT THE GATE ENTIRELY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????

-Nicholas is still tryna find Glenn, and you’d think he would just follow the trail of blood, but he’s an idiot. He gets distracted by a walker and Glenn jumps him and the two fight, and somehow, Glenn winds up with three walkers on him. Keep that in the back of your head for a minute.

-Michonne finds Rick before the meeting, and Rick tells her about the guns they stole, and they lied to Michonne because they weren’t sure of her. Michonne is like, y’all don’t think I’m down for the cause? She wants to do this non-violently, bu she says she is still with Rick and I’m down for this power couple of Rick and Michonne. Rickonne? Mick? I don’t know, I’ll figure something out before next season.

-We see someone unsheathing a sword, but no face. I think it is Rick, who looks out of the window and notices something. It is that the gate has been left open and something or someone got in. He springs into action and starts looking, while Father Bitchass gets back to his place and finds Sasha, who needs to talk to him about going crazy. This is being cut with the meeting, but they’re missing some people, a lot of people, actually. Rick is still chasing whatever got in through the gates, Nicholas and Glenn are still out in the woods, Father Bitchass and Sasha, Aaron and Daryl….but Deanna is tryna get this poppin’.

-Carol and Abe are talkin’ Rick up to the group and saying they need him, while Glenn comes outta nowhere and bops Nicholas over the head. Now, I wanna stop for a second. Glenn is badass and I have no question that he could have beaten those three walkers on top of him, but dogg, we need to see that because when we left him, I assumed that would be the end of that. That was probably my biggest problem with the episode; actually, second-biggest and both involve Glenn.

-Meanwhile, Rick is fighting off a walker and they’re on the ground, but it looks like he first puts his gun through its head, and then squeezes its head until it pops on some Game Of Thrones shit. Then it cuts to the red poncho guy, who is being walked up to the fence where the food trap was, and the two men with him slit his throat and say, welcome home. Interesting.

-Maggie takes over for Rick’s side, and says some shit about family, but Deanna is like, Father Bitchass told me y’all were on some bullshit. Jessie pushes back against her and she has to be a little pissed because Deanna was basially ready to sacrifice her because Pete is a doctor. Meanwhile, Glenn is still kickin’ Nicholas’ ass in the woods in the world’s longest fight scene, while Sasha has Father Bitchass on the ground with a gun pointed at him, which brings a happy tear to my eye. But then, we cut to the food trap and they have a remote system where there is music playing inside the containers, which draws the walkers back inside. These mufuckas, I’m assuming they’re the wolves, are pretty smart.

-The group are still talkin’ and someone, I think his name is Tobin, says something about keeping his family safe and if they gotta get rid of some people….just as Rick comes through with a dead walker over his shoulder. All he had to say after that was, THIS IS WHY Y’ALL MUFUCKAS NEED ME. Glenn still has a gun to Nicholas’ head and he is begging for his life, and Glenn is so much better than me because he doesn’t kill him. I woulda shot ol’ boy in his legs and left him there. That was my biggest problem with this episode, but I’m petty. Meanwhile, Maggie walks in on Sasha and stops her from shooting Father Bitchass, who says it was his fault that they all died, so I assume that is his congregation. Maggie feels sorry for him and helps him up. Maybe getting this off his chest will help be a better person next season? I hope so; I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

-Rick listens to Carl and Michonne and tells the people how it is, while there are cuts to scenes with Carl and Judith, and Glenn helping Nicholas back, Maggie/Father Bitchass/Sasha picking a great time for a prayer circle, Tara wakes up with Rosa and someone picking up a bag; the bag was Aaron’s, and the person picking it up was one of the two men that are controlling the walkers. All Rick is saying is that there are people and things out there that want to kill them and they have to strike first, and he was wondering how many of the Alexandria people he had to kill to make them see that, but he decided against it and that they had to change or else.

-Just then, Pete barges in with Michonne’s sword (so it was him unsheathing it earlier) and tries to go after Rick and Reg tries to intercept him, while Carol whispers, “do it now”. Pete slashes his throat and gets taken down by Abe while everyone gasps and Carol inside is hittin’ that Mr. Burns laugh like, holy shit this is working out SO WELL. Deanna is freaking out because now she has lost her husband, too, and says to Rick, ” do it”, and Rick shot Pete so fast. Then Aaron, Daryl and Morgan walk up like, what y’all doin’?

-After the credits, we see Michonne putting her sword on her back again, where it belongs, while we also see red poncho guy, who is now a walker, pass the car that Daryl and Aaron were inside of, and it says, “WOLVES NOT FAR” on the outside.

Well, alright then. The group managed to take over Alexandria, conquer, as it were, and this was similar to the way in which kinda took over the farm. They talked to the people running place and hey, a little blood had to get spilled, but it’s for the greater good and that is a huge overarching theme in The Walking Dead. You might not think you have to get your hands dirty in the zombie apocalypse, but you’re gon’ have to do it at some point, whether you’re the Alexandria people, or Father Bitchass. So, it looks like the wolves are building an army of walkers, while Rick is building an army of Alexandrians, so that shit ’bout to come to a head next season. And hey, Carl and Judith will have a new mommy, so that’s sorted.

Overall, it was a great ending to what I think has been the best season of the show since, shit, probably the first or second. I mean, I saw some people complaining about how many commercials there were, but AMC gotta eat and if you didn’t know how it would go down beforehand, you haven’t been watching TV very long. In particular, the second half was everything that is awesome about The Walking Dead and yeah, there were a couple of shaky parts, but come on, this shit ain’t exactly Mad Men or Breaking Bad, AMC’s two other flagship shows. By Season 5, you should know what you’re getting out of this show and they set a new rating record with this episode, so someone has to be doing something right. Anyway, I’m ready for Season 6. Until then, y’all. Thanks for rockin’ with me.

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Big Brother Canada S03E02 (March 26) – Risha Ain’t Seen A Bra Since The Early 70s

Holly: Heeeeeeeeeey girl

Holly: Grab yoself a glass of wine and come dish with me about Big Brother

Neil: Got a beer and ready to goooooooooo

Holly: Beer and Bulwark

Holly: Eviction show already. These people have known each other for 20 minutes

Neil: Cindy gon’ be tryna figure out who voted for her

Holly: So is Risha

Neil: She looks like she starts shit

Holly: I bet we’re gonna see her being cutthroat this episode

Neil: Fuck yo S

Holly: I hope the S also stands for slutty

Neil: Stupid is in the lead

Neil: But she won for fuck sakes

Holly: I think Pilar is going to go home for some reason

Holly: She might be too nice and sweet for the house

Neil: I agree

Neil: Hahaha we totally didn’t vote

Holly: HAHAHAHA we are terrible viewers

Holly: Sorry, Big Brother / Global

Holly: HOW MANY S WORDS ARE YOU GONNA USE GIRL

Neil: This mufucka, man

Holly: Risha shouldn’t have run out of the room

Holly: That’s Big Brother suicide

Neil: I think she’ll be alright

Holly: Flirting with Kevin already

Holly: Cougar in the house y’all!

Neil: She’s layin’ it on thick

Holly: Kevin knows too, he’s a poker player, he sees through that shit

Holly: Go after Zach, he looks like a dumb dumb

Neil: That slop looks like baby dook

Holly: I bet it smells like baby dook too

Holly: Just don’t eat!

Holly: Brittnee starfishes. of course

Neil: I can see that, I like it

Holly: Johnny needs to settle his hormones

Holly: TITTAY

Holly: That was a full-on side tittay

Neil: Risha ain’t seen a bra since the early 70s

Holly: Sindy with and S, the S stands for Shenanigans

Holly: Willow looks like an Amish man

Neil: Which one is she?

Holly: So couldn’t these idiots just lay down and have the ball on top of them, so it doesn’t touh the ground? Wouldn’t that be easy

Holly: the one that looks like a man, I don’t know

Neil: Hahaha

Neil: Oh yeah, she’s gone

Holly: Why are these people complaining about tasks? have they not seen Big Brother?

Neil: Someone’s gon’ let it fall and that person will be the target

Neil: And yeah, mufuckas are whiny

Holly: I read that as someone’s gonna let a fart

Holly: Which would also make them a target

Neil: Very true

Neil: Hahahaha at that Participaction commercial

Holly: Oh shit, I missed it talking to the peanut gallery

Neil: Don’t visit our website

Holly: (Shoutout to Thalia for being our peanut gallery)

Neil: Basically told kids they’re fatties

Neil: I got Pat over here in mine haha

Holly: Special guests!

Holly: I had a feeling they would use Kevin to do a special task

Neil: Woooooooooooooooooooooooow

Holly: But if he makes the balloon break, doesn’t he not get his stuff back?

Neil: That is a big risk

Holly: I don’t know, I would rather my stuff than a thousand bucks

Neil: It ain’t worth it

Neil: This seems like a terrible idea

Holly: He can’t just show up, touch it and then pop it

Holly: Actually that was pretty decent, holding the towel

Neil: No one noticed?

Neil: WORD?

Holly: These people might be dumb

Neil: Pat: The geek and the QB

Holly: Hahaha

Holly: That alliance will last one week

Neil: Ol’ buddy cop movie ass mufuckas

Holly: TITTAYS

Neil: SET DEM THANGS OUT

Holly: Risha is coming on too strong

Neil: Fuck avoiding looking, if they’re out there, dammit, they’re out there

Neil: Mmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmm

Holly: Oh my god the stoner girl might be smart

Neil: Yeah, see, this will come back to bite him

Holly: I thought Kevin was good at numbers, why isn’t he trying this?

Neil: That is what I was thinking

Neil: Hope that grand was worth it, bruh

Neil: You’re on side show duty

Holly: Oh lawd

Holly: I don’t know if I can watch Gary and Peter stroke each others egos for an hour straight

Holly: I’m over Peter, my crush is gone

Holly: Sorry, Peter

Holly: I can’t wait to see the houseguests get drunk together for the first time

Neil: I was wondering when the booze would come out

Holly: Hopefully when they get their stuff

Holly: Why are they taking their time with this number combo?

Holly: Just bang em out

Neil: Yep, and why is this all on him?

Holly: Crybaby crying over a buncha numbers on day 2. Jeez louise

Neil: Hahahahaha the QB walks up and does it randomly

Neil: GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW

Holly: LOL they have to put their own furniture back???

Neil: Big Brother is not fuckin’ with these people

Holly: Ask me to do this? NOAAAAP

Neil: Duvets are the devil’s work

Neil: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE

Holly: No joke, I threw mine out the minute I start living by myself. Trying to put a duvet cover on by yourself is not what’s hot in the streets

Holly: Risha is digging her grave

Holly: join the group, its friggin day

Neil: I was gon’ say, isn’t she supposed to be bonding?

Neil: What has she done again?

Holly: I’m the first to say nah to yoga, but I’d be out there doing it for show

Holly: And now Risha talking about yelling at Pilar? WHA?

Neil: Goddamn she is crazy as shit haha

Holly: Thalia just said Risha looks like a broke down Brigitte Neilsen

Neil: Hahahahaha

Neil: Unless we’re missin’ something, all Risha has done is set dem thangs out and fail at a comp

Holly: Ahe has been highly disappointing

Neil: Yeah, I’m not impressed

Neil: Mad at Pilar for what? She’s just chillin’

Neil: Being nice is a good strategy

Neil: Although we’re the ones voting

Holly: Being quiet is a good strategy too

Holly: That’s true, but they don’t know that

Holly: Goddammit I eat so many twistos during bb season

Holly: I ate a whole bag of them today at work. The. Whole. Bag

Neil: We need a sponsor dammit

Neil: Well this is interesting

Holly: Our sponsor should be Brothers Pepperoni

Neil: Hahahaha how could they NOT see that?

Holly: What are these two people doing? They are massively stunned

Neil: Good grief

Holly: Well that was a useless vault

Holly: Go in, unlock safe, leave. OK cool

Holly: HAHA Look at Risha’s face, realizing she shouldn’t have acted like a twat for the past two days

Neil: Pat just brought up a good point: your self-esteem should be shot if Canada votes you out

Holly: yep

Holly: That’s why Big Brother UK is so entertaining, because people think the public loves them and then BAM, voted out. They look shattered

Holly: And you just laugh and laugh

Neil: That’s pretty damn good

Neil: But this is just for this week, I bet

Holly: Yeah i think so

Neil: I honestly have no idea who is going home

Holly: I really don’t know what’s going to happen

Holly: Hahaha

Neil: BAM

Neil: Risha GONE

Holly: Well, maybe she shoulda kept her tittays under wraps

Neil: I might create a goodbye montage to them

Holly: Oh my word, she is bland

Neil: Yeah, I don’t care how close it was

Neil: Here I am

Neil: Ass the fuck out

Holly: Is she really trying to tell us she tried to bond with people?

Neil: We missed all of the bonding

Neil: Awwwwwwwwwwwww yeah

Neil: Bring ’em back!

Holly: #bringthetittaysback

Neil: Hahahahahahahahaha

Neil: And we have the title

Neil: So will we find this out tonight?

Holly: Uuhhh…I wasn’t listening to her there at the end

Neil: That’s fair

Holly: I need to learn how to focus

Neil: Arisa will tell us

Holly: Give it to us Arisa

Holly: Shoutout to KFC!

Neil: I thought they said KFC

Neil: I now want KFC

Holly: Me too

Holly: They should have a HOH challenge where you have to eat as many popcorn chicken as you can

Neil: My God these people don’t listen

Holly: They all look completely stunned

Holly: Um, those positions don’t look flattering

Neil: Not at all

Neil: Dan BACK!

Neil: That mufucka is on everything Big Brother related

Holly: Dan is living off this BB money, sheesh

Neil: Good on him, smart

Holly: Alright, another one in the books, convene next Wednesday

Neil: Yezzir

The Walking Dead S05E15 – Try

“Try” was a strange episode of The Walking Dead, especially as the penultimate episode of Season 5. I think I knew what they were tryna do, but I’m not sure they pulled it off. Maybe I’ll be more clear about it after I write this. Let’s go………

-There is a walking slothing around in the woods and he walks past a broken picture of, I’m not exactly sure who. Maybe it’s that Enid girl and her people? Were they the people that got killed with Aiden and Nicholas? Meanwhile, Deanna, Reg and Spencer are mourning Aiden’s death, and she throws on what I assume is a CD of Aiden’s, and I think it’s Nine Inch Nails. Unpopular opinion: I don’t like Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor seems like an alright guy, though.

-The family mourning is being cut with Carol baking a tuna casserole, which looks basic and tasty as hell. She is tryna think of what she can write on a note as she is giving it to the family, and then she sees Sam outside, staring in the window. Kinda creepy, but he gets a pass because he is going through some shit. The family turns off the music and Deanna opens the door to find the casserole and a note saying “We are truly sorry for your loss”. But she ain’t here for your sympathy, Carol, and Deanna leaves the casserole out on the step, comes inside and burns the note. Lines have officially been drawn in the sand if they weren’t before.

-While all this is happening, Sasha is going through a PTSD (or something similar, if anyone has a better term for it, holla) bout as the walker approaches and starts banging on the wall, which will surely attract more. She finally shoots it and then we see Daryl killing another one out in the field with Aaron, and the pair sees a light off in the distance before they hit the opening. Dem Wolves out?

-The episode returns with Nicholas lying on camera to Deanna about what happened to Aiden, while Glenn is telling the truth to Rick. Deanna doesn’t seem to fully buy what Nicholas is saying, though, and orders Nicholas, along with Glenn, to stay inside the walls until she sorts this out, so she must have had suspicions of her own anyway. Glenn pleads with Rick that they have to make this place work because while these people are some putzes, it’s better than being outside, in theory anyway. Carol sees Jessie, Sam and the older son and she asks Rick what he thinks about the whole “plotting to kill Pete” thing, and that Sam told her he has found his mother unconscious after a fight with his dad. Carol isn’t going to let this go and I have a feeling that if Rick won’t do it, she will. All she sees is what she used to go through with Ed, and she says she wouldn’t be here if the walkers hadn’t gotten him. Rick says that she would have, but would she?

-Rick is walking around in the dark as he is known to do and runs into Pete, who stays being drunk and he tries to talk to Rick, who is holding a gun and he tells Pete to walk away. It takes Pete a minute to figure out that Rick ain’t fuckin’ with him, so this shit has to come to a head soon.

-Michonne wakes up and lays out her uniform, then Rosa tells her that Tara is hanging in there, but the real problem is that no one has seen Sasha, so they go out in the woods for the first time since they got to Alexandria. Michonne also feels responsible for Noah dying, but that’s all I really got out of this exchange between her and Rosa. This isn’t the best written episode of The Walking Dead I’ve ever seen, which is strange because Angela Kang wrote “Four Walls And A Roof” and “Coda” from this season, along with a bunch of other episodes from previous seasons.

-Rick rolls up on Deanna at Aiden’s gravesite and tries to bring up the Pete/Jessie thing, which I found to be in really bad taste. I know it’s an important situation, but dogg, she’s tryna mourn her dead son. Deanna tells Rick that she knew about it, but Pete is a surgeon, which is a good point; you kinda need a doctor in these times, but Rick isn’t havin’ it and suggests that they separate the two of them and if Pete isn’t down with that, he’ll kill him, which Deanna knew was coming anyway. Deanna is like, come on, dogg, we civilized, we don’t do this, we kick mufuckas out, but Rick won’t let it go. I mean, I get where Rick is coming from and I don’t necessarily disagree, but he’s kind of an asshole about it.

-Michonne and Rosa figure out that Sasha is hunting walkers as she is shooting them in the back of the head. Meanwhile, Carl is following Enid, who hears him and tells him to go back and that he scares her, which is fair, he is kinda creepy. But so is she, so they’re a perfect match. Rick and Carl are so pressed to have a woman in their life since Lori that they’ll try and bang married women and follow girls out in the woods where they shouldn’t be. Jeez.

-Carl and Enid see a walker, and she throws a timer out to distract it. It’s around this point that I want them to get eaten.

-Glenn finds Nicholas cleaning blood out of the rave van and tells him that it was his fault that everyone died from Noah to Aiden to the people they let die before, and Nicholas fronts like he’s gon’ do something, but he’s pussy and Glenn can smell it. He tells Nicholas not to leave the place and that he is saving him, and he’s right. I would have liked to see Nicholas try something, though. Glenn woulda tore his ass up. Lucky Glenn didn’t leave you there to die, fuckboy.

-Carl and Enid take a rest in the woods because they’re runnin’ around like shit is sweet in these streets, but it’s obvious that something happened to her, Carl can see that. Then they hear a buncha walkers coming and they hide in a tree, and this whole scene made me angry. If we know one thing about walkers on The Walking Dead, it’s that they have a good sense of smell, but they can’t smell these kids. I guess this scene was put there just to get Carl and Enid close and they hold hands and shit. I don’t know. I don’t care. But one good thing came from this scene: we see another walker with a “W” in his forehead. DEM WOLVES COMIN’.

-Nicholas is diggin’ up what I think is the gun Rick hid in the blender a few episodes ago. Well, that answers that.

-Sasha is huntin’ the walkers like Michonne said, and she looks insane. Michonne and Rosa catch up to her and there is a horde coming, and Sasha just isn’t listening to reason. Michonne flashes back to when she was angry as Sasha is, and the three of them take on the horde. Sasha woulda died if they weren’t out there, and personally, I woulda left her out there if she ain’t wanna listen. Is there a therapist or some shit in Alexandria? She needs to talk to someone.

-Daryl and Aaron find a dismembered body that was recently killed, and they find a woman tied to a tree with her guts hangin’ out and a “W” on her forehead. She turns into a walker, but Daryl deads that shit with the quickness. Who or what in the fuck are these Wolves?

-Rick runs up on Jessie and tells her that he knows about Pete and that he wants to help her, and this scene gets super creepy really quick. He basically turns into Shane and is like, I wouldn’t do this for anyone else, which makes him a terrible cop. Again, not the best written scene. But Pete walks in and figures out, hey, Rick is tryna bang my wife and the brawl is on. Sasha is up in the watchtower and notices that everyone is runnin’ towards something.

-They’re runnin’ towards Rick and Pete tryna kill each other with chokeholds and punches. Jessie tries to pull Pete off and gets punched, while Carl tries to do the same to Rick, who throws him away and gets this messed-up look in his eyes. Deanna finally breaks it up, but Rick pulls a gun on everyone and you can see, he has totally lost it, lookin’ like Ric Flair after a steel-cage match back when wrestlers were allowed to bleed. He goes on some rant about the Alexandria people being naive to what is going on outside the walls, and he is right, but dude, you completely went about it the wrong way. Deanna kinda suggests that he is gon’ get the boot and Rick is like, oh fuckin’ word? YOU AND WHAT ARMY???? Then Michonne comes outta nowhere and bops him on the head.

After a run of very good episodes, “Try” was a bit of a letdown until the last 15 minutes or so, basically starting with Daryl and Aaron finding that girl and then the fight that is obviously going to force Deanna’s hand to make a decision. I don’t think Michonne is switching sides, but someone had to shut Rick the fuck up. I’m more interested in what Aaron and Daryl are doing and where these Wolves are, if that is even a thing. There is a lot left with one episode (which is about to be 90 minutes, so set ya PVRs), and it’ll be interesting to see what The Walking Dead decides to focus on.

Big Brother Canada S03E01 (March 24) – Steampunk Is The New Chillwave

Holly: Alright here we go people!!!

Neil: Look at them all high-tech with the intro!

Holly: It’s like James Bond up in here

Neil: Got that Global money, bruh!

Holly: It’s looks like the inside of the Tardis!

Neil: Oh hai, Arisa

Holly: Her hair isn’t as big as it used to be

Holly: I feel like this is a time travel thing

Neil: Ooooooooooooh

Holly: Steampunk is all the rage lately

Neil: Steampunk is the new chillwave

Holly: Look at this vault, hiding all the secrets

Neil: Awwwwwwwwwwww yeah, vaults and pop-up remotes and shit

Holly: Lasers everywhere!

Holly: Pew pew pew

Holly: This Zach guy looks like Peter on steroids

Neil: OF COURSE SHE IS FROM CALGARY

Holly: This year’s Heather

Neil: Don’t you have to be sexy to play the sexy role?

Holly: And here comes the Peter look alike

Holly: Acting like a fool

Neil: I already don’t like this guy

Holly: Which one

Neil: The nerd

Holly: How is it fair that this girl lives in New York???

Holly: Shenanigans

Neil: HEY BOO

Neil: I wanna take her to Subway and shit

Holly: Which one?

Holly: You gotta say who you are talmabout

Neil: Um, the plus size model? I missed her name

Holly: Britnee

Neil: Was lookin’ at dem curves

Neil: Oh wait, the spelling sucks

Neil: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Holly: Throw a k in there

Holly: Britknee

Holly: I already do not like that weed girl. She is airy as all get out

Neil: Yup

Neil: I give her two weeks

Neil: And that’s not seeing the other people

Neil: Do they not have bags and stuff?

Holly: They have nothing

Holly: So Canadian. “What the heck??” So polite

Neil: SACKVEGAS HOLLA

Holly: Of course her name is Willow

Neil: Ginger Ninja?

Neil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP

Holly: The peanut gallery agrees with you

Holly: (Shoutout to Candice and Andrew being our peanut gallery)

Holly: Did that guy just have a creepy photo montage of old houseguests on his wall?

Neil: He sure did

Holly: That’s some serial killer shit

Neil: Who coaches baseball in khakis?

Holly: GINGER NINJA DOES

Neil: I’m getting a pet and naming it Have-Not

Neil: You asshole

Holly: Wait, I missed that… is his dogs name actually have not?

Neil: Hahahaha, nah, Veto

Holly: Well that’s just as dumb

Neil: Can I call Phil HOH?

Neil: Since he really does run your household

Holly: You sure can

Holly: OH SHIT

Holly: I just noticed the back of ginger ninjas hair

Holly: It’s a hipster mullet

Neil: WHAT IN THE FUCK

Neil: Okay, so out of the first, my money is on the nerd that I don’t like

Holly: I’m going with Ashleigh because she reminds me of Heather from last year and she was our underdog

Neil: True, but we talked all kinds of shit about Heather for the first few weeks

Holly: I like Kevin

Neil: He looks like Ian from Shameless

Holly: Poker player, he gonna be good at lying

Holly: TITTAYS

Neil: GODDAMN SHE SET DEM THANGS OUT

Holly: I used to have such a thing for skaters

Neil: I can see that

Neil: DARKSIDE WHAT

Holly: She’s a little much

Holly: Although i would like to see the Dartmouth girl get into it with the Sackville girl

Neil: Yeah I’m not a fan of Mrs. Dressup

Holly: We’re gonna have a milf in the house tho, so there’s that

Holly: She ain’t even have a bra on

Neil: She’s tall as shit too

Neil: Seven feet in heels and shit

Neil: She gon’ let dem thangs hang, go get it, girl

Neil: Oh God, you know she is always on some “Sindy with an S” shit

Holly: I’m Sindy with an S… the S stands for Shut the fuck up

Neil: Hahahaha

Neil: Um, where is the dark part of that?

Neil: Zach is as white as snow, see, man…..shit

Holly: They’re all pretty white

Neil: I don’t know where Ashleigh got tall, dark and handsome, but hey, being colorblind is cool too

Holly: So whats up with % of them being from Toronto

Holly: CISM

Neil: There are like, three people from Calgary too

Neil: And a couple from Scotia

Neil: No one from BC, I don’t think

Holly: Yeah there’s a couple

Neil: Oh is there?

Neil: Doctor homegirl doesn’t look impressed at all

Holly: Oh snap they are doing the Big Brother UK voting!! LOVE IT

Neil: Jesus, I wouldn’t even remember names

Neil: Hahahaha atta girl, Ashleigh

Holly: Sindy better go

Neil: I’m spelling it Cindy by the way

Neil: Because fuck that

Holly: Oooh this is so good

Neil: Damn, ain’t no one remember ol’ girl’s name

Holly: Naeha voting for the minorities

Neil: I know I don’t

Holly: Ol stoner girl Sarah is gonna go batshit crazy without weed if she stays

Neil: Hahaha yup

Holly: Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah

Neil: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Neil: Get Cindy outta here b

Holly: Risha looks like Canada’s version of Charlize Theron

Neil: She better not go home

Neil: Because I’m shallow

Holly: And she looks evil too, i like it

Neil: And you know she knows who put her up somehow

Neil: and if she gets through this?

Neil: BRUH

Neil: She looks petty as shit

Holly: Milf is DETERMINED

Holly: look at that face

Neil: You’re up because you’re Sindy with a fucking S

Holly: Alright, whats up with making the girls wear shit that their asses are hanging out of?

Neil: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Holly: Spending more time picking their wedgies than playing the game

Holly: Zach is a dumb dumb

Neil: The next Emmett

Neil: Oh for fuck sakes, Cindy

Holly: Of course cindy is good with numbers

Holly: Oh god Kevin get those numbers!!

Holly: Fucking Cindy

Neil: MOTHERFUCKER

Neil: Oh man, I’m about to be mad all friggin’ season

Holly: Andrew just brought up a good point

Holly: Maybe Sindy with an S has an alter ego called Cindy with a C

Neil: That’s her not-annoying alter ego?

Holly: Or her more annoying alter ego

Neil: Yeah, I’m going with that

Neil: A lot of people voted for Darkside girl

Holly: So weird

Neil: Dartmouth: Hated across Canada even by people that don’t know about it

Holly: Risha is PISSED

Neil: I like both of these girls

Holly: Me too, dude was right, Cindy should have put up a physical threat

Neil: Oh for fuck sakes

Holly: I love this! UK voting!

Holly: So now its all about looking good to the audience, not the houseguests

Neil: We need to figure out who we are voting for

Neil: I’ll prepare a PowerPoint presentation on why Risha needs to stay

Holly: You do that! I expect at least three pie charts about her cleavage by Wednesday

Neil: Tittays: They’re Good And Good For You

Holly: And there’s the bang I was hoping we would end on

Neil: Aight, we’ll do this again Wednesday, bitches, let’s goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Holly: WAKE UP CANADA

The Walking Dead S05E14 – Spend

Ever since the group got to Alexandria, The Walking Dead has been slowly integrating them into the new folks. Having parties, getting jobs, everything has been just wonderful. In “Spend”, that all gets tossed into a blender where Rick’s gun was supposed to be, set on fire and thrown off a cliff. Let’s go…..

-Father Bitchass hasn’t been around in a while, and I fear that the entire episode will be about him, so I’m already mad. He stares at a bowl of strawberries and a welcome note from some Rosemary person, and then starts ripping pages out of the Bible. Fuck are you so mad about? Your ass should still be on a rock in the woods surrounded by walkers. I bet he had the worst sermons and you know he stole from the collection plate.

-Noah meets with Deanna’s wife, Reg, the architect of the walls, and he wants to be an architect as well. Reg also writes everything down and Noah is intrigued, so Reg gives him his journal. Awwwww, Noah has a job. I’m not sure how much I trust him with tools and whatnot, but hey, gotta earn your keep somehow.

-Abe is up, washing his face and we see Rosa in the background, still in bed, so I guess that is actually a thing now. Man, shoutout to hot water. I’d still be showering.

-A run has to be made to pick up a part for the grid as they’re out of power, so there is a group consisting of Glenn, Aiden, his friend Nicholas, Tara, Noah and Eugene, whom Noah tries to give a gun to, but Eugene is like, nah, I’m not going, I’m a punk. But he ends up going anyway because he’s too much of a punk to stand up to Noah. Aiden says bye to his parents, Glenn says bye to Maggie, and Deanna thanks Glenn again for punching her son in the mouth. He should punch him again because whatever the hell they’re playing in the rave van as they’re driving away is awful. Meanwhile, Father Bitchass is skulking around outside the church.

-Jessie and Rick are in her garage, and her owl sculpture was smashed. She needs to just give up on that, it has been knocked over a couple times now, but as soon as I saw it, I just assumed it was her husband. Rick tells her about the broken-window theory, which is, if you keep the windows intact, society stays intact. Rick tryna be smart to get in her pants with this bullshit-ass theory. Go ‘head, bruh. Anyway, he says he’ll look into it.

-The run group get to the warehouse and Aiden wants to just run in all willy-nilly, but Glenn suggests checking the perimeter first in case shit goes down and they need an exit plan. Aiden says his plan is to run out the front because he has no idea how real it gets in these streets, and he hasn’t been on-screen that long, but they did a good job in casting this character. The actor’s name is Daniel Bonjour, he’s from South Africa and he is excellent at looking smug as hell.

-Eugene and Tara are walking together, and she tells him to pull his weight and he responds that he’s the one who got them to Washington. Uh, you were unconscious for the beginning of it and it spawned from a lie. Quite delusional of him and I want Tara to just kill him, right there.

-Noah and Glenn are scouting out the place and find a whole horde of walkers, where, at the front where Aiden was planning to run out. We don’t need to check the perimeter, he said. What a douche.

-They make it into the warehouse with Glenn leading, and Aiden is impressed with the way Glenn carries himself. They find a buncha walkers behind a fence and Aiden is shook as shit, you can see it in his eyes. Everyone splits off into pairs to find what they need, and the Eugene/Tara pair finds them first, while the Aiden/Nicholas pair get run up on by a walker in full body armor and he starts shooting it, but Glenn notices that it has explosives on it and tries to get Aiden to stop, to no avail. ZOMBIE BOMBS!

-Tara gets messed up by the zombie bomb, as does Aiden, who ends up impaled on a forklift. A walker runs up on Eugene, who is too scared to shoot it, and almost gets bit by another walker before Glenn and Noah saves him. Not gon’ lie, I was kinda rooting for the walkers there.

-Carol finds Sam, the kid she supposedly scared, downstairs in her pantry looking for more cookies. Carol is being as mean as possible to the kid, and he doesn’t seem to be shook, all he wants is cookies, so Carol tells him to steal chocolate from the room, and to get her a bar for herself, because blackmailing children is what’s hot in the streets. But now I’m wondering what is wrong with this kid that he can break into the house of a person that has already threatened to tie him to a tree so the walkers could get him. I don’t know about you, but I’d be staying FAR away from her.

-Glenn formulates a plan to escape, but they’re startled by Aiden, who is apparently still alive, even though Nicholas said he checked him and he was dead. The walkers notice this as well, so Glenn, Noah and Nicholas try to save him while Eugene waits with Tara. It’s right about here that I realize someone isn’t making it back to Alexandria.

-Abe is on a construction site, run by Tobin (the man that told Carol he would teach her how to shoot in the previous episode), and he starts getting lightheaded and it looks like a bout of PTSD. However, he snaps out of it when a group of walkers comes out of the woods, but the lookout, Francine, falls out of her tractor. Tobin wants to leave her there, but Abe swoops in to save the day. It’s funny that Tobin says they can’t rescue Francine when she’s like, ten feet away and they all have guns. Meanwhile, Abe is basically wetting his pants at the chance to kill some shit. However, the rest of the crew aren’t bitches like Tobin and decide to help out.

-Pete stops by Rick’s house with beer, so we can confirm that he’s a drunk now. The two have a really weird conversation in which Pete keeps dropping hints that he knows Rick’s tryna bang his wife, and Rick has to be wondering if he saw the kiss. I still think Pete broke the owl, and then drops, “oh, I hear you lost your wife”, and at this point, I think Rick is just going to bite his throat because he has done it before. All Pete needs to say is, hey, could you not try and bang my wife? Then they have a real awkward handshake, so this fight gotta happen at this point.

-Eugene spends his time chastising an unconscious Tara before gettin’ on his Last Action Hero shit, walking outta the room he was in with her over his shoulder and shooting zombies and I’m dying of laughter at this point. Meanwhile, Glenn and ’em are still tryna save Aiden, whose screams draw more walkers and his boy, Nicholas, runs the fuck off, but not before he says, “you left them, that’s who we are” and Glenn is like, say word? That’s when Aiden tells him the truth about the four people they lost; it was he and Nicholas who panicked, so really, they’re not about that life at all. Glenn stays until the last possible second, but he and Noah have to leave, so we get to watch Aiden get just fuckin’ devoured by walkers, who FINALLY get to eat. We always see them getting killed, it’s good to see them getting thrown a bone (or a horse) every once in a while.

-Francine punches Tobin for even thinking of letting her die, and then Abe assumes control of the group because there is still sunlight, which means there is work to do. Francine is lookin’ at him like, oh really now, and he should consider that, although Rosa won’t be happy. But Abe needs a mission, and now he has it.

-Glenn, Noah and Nicholas try to get out the front, but they should have known that wasn’t gon’ work, and end up getting stuck in the only revolving door left on the planet, where they get surrounded by walkers while I hear the Benny Hill theme playing in my head. This is gon’ end SO BADLY for someone, hopefully Nicholas.

-Tobin goes to Deanna, Reg and Maggie to tell them that Abe should run the construction site and they all seem to agree, but Deanna pushes back a little on Maggie, saying that it’s funny that one of her people does something good and she vouches for them. One, everyone knows Abe should be the leader of that shit and two, what did she think was gon’ happen?

-Carol is making these cookies for Sam and still being an outright asshole to him, but he is still tryna be friends and make small talk. Carol then finds out that it was Sam who broke the owl, and he asks her if he can have a gun; she asks why he needs one and he runs out, and the wheels start turning for Carol, who we all know has been in this situation before: Pete beats Jessie and Sam.

-The three are still stuck in the revolving door, but Eugene rolls up with the rave van to distract the walkers and Glenn comes up with a plan to get out, but Nicholas goes against the plan to try and get himself out, and Noah ends up getting grabbed by the walkers. So, I’m willing to put this up there with the most gruesome deaths of all time in The Walking Dead as the walkers are literally tearing Noah’s face and eyes apart as he is pressed up against the glass, but more disturbing is that Glenn has to watch it and for everything he has seen and done, he is a mess. This was horrifying. Even the second time I watched it, it was horrifying.

-Nicholas runs up to Eugene in the van and tries to hijack it and the two fight before Glenn runs up and punches the dogshit outta Nicholas. They throw him in the van with Tara and drive off, and Eugene asks where Noah is, but he knows what happened. He sees the journal that Noah was given by Reg, and all Noah managed to write was “This is only the beginning”. Oh, it’s the beginning of something alright.

-Carol goes over to Pete’s, where she finds him drunk and asks to speak with either Sam or Jessie, but he says it’s a bad time and slams the door, and all he has done now is awaken Killa Carol. You have fun with that, Pete.

-Gabriel goes to Deanna to tell her that Rick and his crew are dangerous and that they’re gon’ mess everything up, but little does he know that Maggie is listening around the corner. He looks slightly wide-eyed and crazy, and he keeps saying that Satan disguises himself. Deanna says she has a lot to think about before he leaves, but holy shit, I wanted to jump on-screen and fight this dude myself. Gabriel says that the group did some things, like, I don’t know, KILL CANNIBALS. His fuckass self would still be on a rock as walker bait and his church would have eventually got overrun anyway, and let’s not act like Father Bitchass himself didn’t leave his congregation outside of a locked church to get eaten. Sure, Rick and ’em are dangerous and he might have like, 13% of a point. But let’s not act like his hands are clean. He is the worst character in the history of The Walking Dead.

-While Father Bitchass is talking to Deanna, their convo is getting cut with Carol telling Rick her suspicions about Pete, and she tells him that Rick is gon’ have to kill him. I mean, they could have a trial or get some evidence, but hey, that shit gets in the way and we all know he’s guilty, so I’m ridin’ with Killa on this one.

So, it’s gon’ be interesting when Glenn comes back to Deanna without her son, and Nicholas’ fuckass lies on them. How much stock does/will she put into the rantings of Father Bitchass? Where is that little Enid girl who I’m 99% sure has Rick’s blender gun? Will Eugene start punching random mufuckas in the face because he’s a man now? I have no idea, but The Walking Dead has a lot to live up to after what I feel was the best episode of the season and definitely the best since last season’s “The Grove”, which was also episode 14. Two episodes left, let’s get it.

 

The Walking Dead S05E13 – Forget

In Ep. 12, The Walking Dead wanted you (and the crew) to “Remember”, which I took to mean remembering what it was like to be around “civilized” people. In Ep. 13, they’re asked to “Forget”. Some of the crew are willing to do it; others, not so much. Let’s go……

-We start with Sasha lying in the dark, staring at pictures of some family she doesn’t know, and she has been well on her way to snapping. Morning comes and she goes to where they keep the guns, where the woman watching them (Olivia) asks if Sasha can bring her back a boar leg and Sasha is like, man, what? Sure, just lemme go and do this thing. She goes out to the woods with all the pictures she was staring at because hey, she needs something for target practice. It sounds like she hears something in the woods, but it seems to be all in her head, fueling her anger. Then she sits on a stump and says, “come and get me”. Shit, two episodes ago, she was ready to take on a horde by herself. Now she got a little food in her? Sasha gon’ fuck someone up.

-Rick, Carol and Daryl meet out by where Rick stashed his gun in the blender, which is now missing, of course, and start planning to take their weapons back. A walker rolls up and Carol shoots it multiple times because the story is that the guys are taking her out to learn how to shoot, which is hilarious. Carol says that she’ll leave a latch open for the guys to get guns, then they notice the “W” on the walker’s head….or is it an “M”? Probably a “W” with the Wolves connotation and all. Just a thought I had as the camera panned around.

-Michonne is trying on her uniform, and she and Rick try to figure out if this is all a plan. He wonders if it’s for “then” or “now”, and Michonne says, “this IS now”. She’s so tired. She just wants to be somewhere and chill. That’s not good for anyone.

-Daryl is out in the woods and he hears Aaron sneaking on him, and Aaron is surprised that he can tell that Daryl can tell the difference between a human and a walker. Dude, it’s not hard, one is usually moaning, dragging its feet and not being sneaky at all. Then Aaron asks if Daryl can tell the difference between a good guy and a bad guy, to which Daryl says there’s no difference anymore. Aaron talks a whole fuckin’ lot. But apparently he wasn’t following Daryl, Aaron was hunting rabbits. Yeah, right. Something doesn’t sit right for me with this cat.

-Deanna is explaining to Rick and Michonne that they’re in charge of enforcing rules, while Maggie is going to help her form a government of sorts. The three begrudgingly agree that this could work, but they’re alarmed at the lack of security, starting with the walls and there are no lookouts? WHAT? These people are either insanely naive or the real danger is inside the walls. Sasha volunteers to be a lookout and Deanna is skeptical, but she says she is having a party, so she wants Sasha to come.

-Carol is going around, taking food orders, smiling so good like she cares about what the fuck they’re eating. She meets with Rick and they decide that tonight, they’ll get some guns. Meanwhile, Daryl and Aaron come across a horse, which he and the kids have named Buttons. Daryl tries to lasso the horse, but he gets spooked by some walkers and runs off, while the guys kill them off and chase the horse.

-Carol then goes to Olivia, who is in charge of the food as well as the guns. Carol scopes out the room for a way to get in, while two men ask her if she’s okay with guns and she’s all, oh, you know, not the best, definitely not with big guns and I’m just dying at this point. She was smiling when that Tobin guy said he would teach her how to shoot, then she turns away and BAM, Killa Carol face.

-Daryl and Aaron are still out there, and Aaron learns that Daryl rides bikes, but the two of them are outsiders. Aaron is working so hard to get Daryl to open up and asks him to go to the party, and he’s pressing a little too much for my liking.

-It’s party time and everyone shows up, there is wine and beer, to which Abe is like, yeah, I’m in. He might need an intervention at some point. Rick meets Deanna’s husband, Reg, aka the guy who built the wall backwards. He tells Rick that he is impressed that he led these people (via the recorded interviews) to safety all this time and even though Rick is hesitant, he tells him to have a drink. Have we seen drunk Rick before? I bet he likes to fight. And right on cue, in walks Jessie and her brood, including her threatening-ass husband that might end up in a triangle choke if he looks at Rick wrong.

-Meanwhile, the horse whisperers are still out tryna catch Secretariat and Aaron gets tripped by a walker. However, the horse gets caught somehow, I thought horses were smarter than that, but I guess not. The two kill the feasting walkers before Aaron puts the horse out of its misery. Aaron says, “he always ran”. WELP, not this time.

-Back at the party, Noah is by himself, being anti-social and wants to leave, but Glenn and Maggie make him stay. Daryl looks at the party, but decides against it and Aaron walks out; turns out he wasn’t even gon’ go to the party and Daryl is like, the fuck you tell me to go for? He invites Daryl in for dinner, so I figure Daryl is gettin’ drugged.

-The party is bumpin’, Olivia shows up so Carol figures it’s the best time to go to the storage place. Jessie introduces Rick to her husband, who says he is a doctor, and he offers to get Rick a refill and when she says she’ll do it, he says, “I’m on it” through gritted teeth. He beats her or something. Ol’ shadowy ass mufucka. Anyway, they’re talking and Rick is lookin’ like, what will it take to get you to cheat? Jessie went on some speech about strangers being in each other’s lives and losing something, but getting something back, which fits for every single person in that room. Jessie’s youngest kid runs up hollerin’ about more cookies and Rick is like, I’ll get ya some more and the kid (Sam) gives him a stamp. Rick looks around like, I gotta be more on top of things.

-Sasha shows up at the party and meets Deanna’s other son, Spencer, not the douche who got his face rocked by Glenn. He mentions Mrs. Niedermayer and her affinity for pastamakers. Sasha is like, all you mufuckas are awkward, b.

-Meanwhile, Daryl is goin’ to town on Aaron’s spaghetti, eating loud as shit as Aaron and Eric are lookin’ at him like he’s an animal. Aaron takes Daryl to the garage, where he sees a bike in a million pieces, which is a huge coincidence, a little too huge for me. Aaron then says he wants Daryl to be a recruiter with him because he doesn’t want Eric outchea in these streets anymore after he wrecked his ankle; that’s why Deanna hasn’t given him a job yet, Aaron told her not to. Still don’t trust this dude. Oh, and he also made another reference to Mrs. Niedermayer and her pastamaker. Is this a code word? Am I missing something? Are we ever gon’ meet this Mrs. Niedermayer and will someone get her a damn pastamaker?

-Michonne is sitting outside and Abe comes out, lookin’ like he’s s tryna holla. Abe is just tryna punch some people, get someone to a place, find something to drink or have as much sex as he can. Ya know, he has kinda grown on me. As long as he doesn’t talk a whole lot.

-Carol sneaks into the window she left open to get the guns, and she realizes that she was followed by Sam, Jessie’s son. He wants cookies, but he has to tell his mom that Carol was in here and BAM…..KILLA CAROL IN THE HOUSE. This is the speech, verbatim: “One morning, you’ll wake up and you won’t be in your bed. (Sam: where will I be?) You’ll be outside the walls, far, far away, tied to a tree and you’ll scream and scream because you’ll be so afraid. No one will come to help because no one will hear you. Well, SOME THING will hear you. The monsters will come; the ones out there. And you won’t be able to run away when they come for you. And they will tear you apart and eat you up while you’re still alive, all while you can still feel it. And then afterwards, no one will ever know what happened to you. Or you can promise not to ever tell anyone what you saw here and then nothing will happen. And you’ll get cookies. LOTS of cookies. I know what I think you should do.”

-BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Man, listen, she backed him up against that wall and you could tell a little bit of pee came out. And then she hit that smile at the last line? Yeah, I apologize to Melissa McBride for thinking anyone else was touching her on The Walking Dead. Good grief. And you know she’ll do everything she said to Sam. She watched Rick shoot her daughter and then the whole thing with Lizzie. You think she gives a damn about this kid she JUST met. Everyone will die, b. EVERYONE. I fucking love her.

-Rick is getting and Jessie walks up holding Judith (side note: I’ve been tryna figure out where I know Jessie from. She’s played by Alexandra Breckenridge, who I know from American Horror Story as the younger redheaded nanny in Murder House and target practice for Cordelia’s husband in Coven). She goes to give Judith to Rick, who kisses her on the cheek. Yep, Rick is that dude at the bar that hits on your girlfriend and wants to fight when you get mad.

-Sasha is at the party, hearing people talk about some trivial shit like favorite meals and flips the fuck out like, THIS IS THE SHIT Y’ALL ARE WORRIED ABOUT? All the while, she sees Bob, Tyreese and Beth, so yeah, the slope is getting more slippery for her. The next morning, Deanna catches her to find out what’s up and Sasha says Alexandria isn’t real. Deanna was like, yeah, that’s cool, but that is bullshit, before she gives Sasha bullets for more target practice or to man the lookout. There is more than meets the eye to Deanna. She’s tougher than people think.

-Rick, Carol and Daryl are in the woods again and Carol tries to give out guns and Daryl is like, do we really need these? Carol is lookin’ at him like, bitch, man the fuck up. Rick takes one, but looks a little uncertain. Michonne is in her house, where she finds a place for her sword above the fireplace. The trio returns and goes their separate ways, but I wonder, the girl who opens the gate for them (we don’t know her name, I don’t think), will she get suspicious and tell Deanna? I would if I were her.

-Rick waves to Jessie and her husband, and she flashes the stamp that Sam gave her as well as Rick, and it’s an “A” for Alexandria, I would think. Her husband, I think his name is Pete, immediately places his hand on her back like, I see you, mufucka. Rick glares at him and goes for his gun, but decides against it for now. He hears some banging, but it’s just a walker on the other side of the wall. Shouldn’t he kill it before it makes enough noise to attract more?

-Question: where were Eugene, Tara and Father Bitchass in regards to the party? I mean, I wouldn’t invite them either, but I figure Deanna would just to keep up appearances. We didn’t see her douche son, either. Some

There is no forgetting in the world of The Walking Dead. These people can’t forget all the shit they’ve gone through to get to this point and there are plenty of reasons why they’re skeptical. Some are trying to forget (Michonne, a little of Daryl and possibly Rick, who got them googly eyes for Jessie), some are not fuckin’ around (Killa Carol, obviously). Three episodes left, I’m ready for the other shoe to drop.

House Of Cards – Season 3, Eps. 1-7 (Chapters 27-33)

Netflix dropped the third season of House Of Cards on Friday, February 27th, and thus began the mission to finish it before anything got spoiled. Trying to remain spoiler-free is a growing issue in today’s age of PVRs and other ways of watching TV, but Netflix has taken it to the next level with House Of Cards and Orange Is The New Black as they release it all at once, so you and your people could all be at different points in the series. So I watched it over three days (shoutout to working nights on the weekend) and had it done by Sunday, managing to stay off social media for the most part because as I always say, the internet doesn’t stop talking about stuff because you haven’t watched it yet.

Anyway, we have the latest edition in the story of Frank and Claire Underwood, who have risen to power by stepping on the necks of whoever they need to step on. I figured the easiest way to do this was to split it in two. That’s really all I have so far. Let’s go……..

-Of course, we gotta start at the first scene of season 3 where Frank visits his father’s grave and, um, waters the flowers, let’s just say. There was the dog in season 1, then Zoe in season 2….House Of Cards does not waste any time tryna get your attention. Frank Underwood is not here for your feelings, folks. And he’s even testier right now as his approval ratings are terrible just six months into his Presidency, and he is tryna push through his America Works program to try and turns things around. But the first episode largely centered on Doug Stamper, his right-hand man who was left for dead by Rachel, this prostitute he was hiding away who knows way more about Frank than she should. Doug is rehabbing his body, but his mind is losing the plot because remember, he is a former alcoholic and drug addict. Frank needs Doug back and on top of the game; Doug is a soldier that does what he is told, and Frank is getting a lot of pushback for America Works because the money has to come from somewhere, and that somewhere seems to be entitlement packages such as Social Security. You’re tryna tell the American public they don’t get Social Security? Lemme know how that works out.

-Shoutout to The Colbert Report spot, where Stephen Colbert grills Frank and there is no way Colbert would ever be outwardly aggressive with a guest, much less the President of the United States. You know Colbert was partyin’ a little, getting a chance to go at the President like this.

-And then there is the lovely Claire Underwood, whose beauty is trumped only by her ambition and she is amped to be the ambassador of the United Nations, but a number of people aren’t having it for various reasons (nepotism, her lack of experience, etc.). But Claire isn’t here for your reasons and is all but forcing Frank to make this happen and he’s like, man, listen, I’m just tryna keep us from getting kicked out of the White House right now, chill out. First, Frank brings her into a room where he gives the order to kill an official in Yemen, then she gets grilled by the Senate, led by Hector Mendoza, who is going to be running for the Republican leadership. Yes, Mendoza was grandstanding and showing off and goading her, but Claire didn’t handle it well at all and she is starting to see that if she wants to get into these sorts of positions, she has to toughen up.

-Can we talk for a minute about Doug renting a prostitute to shoot syringes of whisky into his mouth? First off, he hasn’t had good luck with prostitutes in the past, but I figure this makes him feel a little less guilty about getting back on the booze. Then I thought he was going to drug her, then I thought he was going to get her to inject it into his veins. This is a roundabout way to get it in ya, but whatever works. Doug is a fuckin’ hot mess, b.

-The scene where Claire has sex with Frank to reinvigorate him after he comes up short, calling people to give him money for his campaign? Yeah, I wasn’t buying it. I think she has done it before, but it just kinda came outta nowhere and seems pretty creepy. And I don’t know about you, I’ve never gone from tears to an erection that quick in my life.

-So now Frank has some pep in his step and is hellbent on getting America Works through, even though the Democrats don’t want him to run in 2016 (he kinda agrees, but you know Frank ain’t going down without a fight). Meanwhile, Russian President Viktor Petrov is coming to Washington to discuss a peace plan, which Petrov isn’t really fuckin’ with. Petrov wants Frank to pull out American troops in locations where Russia can run shit, which won’t be good for Frank’s approval rating, but really at this point, does it even matter? Meanwhile, Claire somewhere along the line did indeed become the UN Ambassador, and everyone is skeptical.

-Then we have Gavin, a hacker that works for the FBI and is being tasked by Doug to track down Rachel; if he gets that done, Doug will get his travel lock lifted and he can leave the country. This was the “I don’t care” storyline of this season for me. I just wanted him to get caught and be done with it.

-At the summit for which Petrov is here for, Petrov is either hitting on Claire or being mean to her, or more likely, both. Petrov might be more of an asshole than Frank, which is why Frank seems to be having such a problem with it as he is used to just rolling over whoever is in his way. After drinking boatloads of vodka and Frank sings a blues song, Petrov sings something to the tune of the Tetris theme song (it’s actually a Russian folk song called “Korobeiniki”, and Tetris is Russian, both things I never knew). He ends up dancing with and kissing Claire and Frank is like, alright, enough of this and takes Petrov somewhere to talk. Claire spends her time with Catherine Durant, the Secretary of State with whom Claire is working with. Catherine has been kinda standoffish with Claire, who suggests playing beer pong and it turns out that Catherine is pretty damn good at the game. Claire tells her she’s not feelin’ Petrov, but the UN needs Russia for this peace plan, but Catherine knows a loophole. Claire is going everything she can to smooth things over with Catherine, who has way more experience, but Claire is Frank’s wife and is going to have his ear regardless.

-The situation with Jackie Sharp and Heather Dunbar starts to bubble around the fourth episode as Frank has been using Jackie to keep him afloat with the Democratic leadership, while Heather has her eye on running in 2016. Jackie will help Frank, but she wants to run on his ticket with him, while Frank is tryna figure out what to do with Heather, the Solicitor General and a sharp legal mind. What better place for her than on the Supreme Court, where Robert Jacobs is planning to retire as an Associate Justice as he has Alzheimer’s. Frank asked him to stay on the bench until he finds a replacement, but Robert decides he wants to stay permanently now and Frank is like, oh for fuck sakes. What he also doesn’t now is that Heather, a close friend of Robert’s, knows he has Alzheimer’s and Frank is using that to try and leverage Robert out of his spot, so Heather says fuck it and decides to run for the Democratic leadership. We’ve never seen Frank this weak before; people are seeing through his lies and pushing him around, from Heather to Petrov.

-Claire and Catherine are tryna put together their plans to get UN troops into the Jordan Valley in the Middle East, which Russia will veto and her Russian UN counterpart, Alexi Moryakov, is like, Petrov is about to be PISSED. Claire is slowly realizing that she can’t strongarm her way into everything….or can she?

-Meanwhile, Doug is getting antsy as he has met Frank, who wants Doug to ease himself back into the political game. Doug isn’t having it and meets with Heather to ask if he can get on her team and I wanted to punch my laptop, but then I realized that this is Doug. He gets all the benefits of the doubt (benefit of the doubts?), even with the whole whisky-syringe thing, but it ain’t lookin’ good for the homie.

-Also, the church scene to end Ep. 4, where Frank spits on the statue of Jesus and says he isn’t buying the love shit he is selling? I’m not really religious like that, but it seemed like that was just for shock, along the lineage of the dog scene from the first episode and Frank pissing on his dad’s grave, but those had a point. I’m not sure what the point of this was. Someone wants to explain it to me, go ahead.

-Frank moves forward with America Works, which involves him declaring the unemployment rate an emergency, which means he can take FEMA money to make the program work. This seems outlandish and only slightly illegal, but I mean, come on, this isn’t out of the realm of possibility, I would think. That is the beauty of House Of Cards: all the stuff that you think a politician really can’t do in real life, dammit, Frank Underwood would make it happen. He puts on a show with the help of the mayor of D.C. to get people out to apply for jobs, which should boost the approval rate just a little. Meanwhile, Heather is out with the husband of Michael Corrigan, a gay-rights activist that is being held in Russia (shoutout to Pussy Riot making an appearance in the episode where Petrov arrived in Washington), trying to get votes and she is adamant to prove she can be an honest politician. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good times. Next thing you know, she is meeting with Doug again, and he tells Heather he has access to the journal that chronicles Claire’s abortion if she wants to get dirty.

-In the background, Frank’s Chief of Staff (and former lover of Jackie), Remy, is tryna get at Thomas Yates, an author who might have to write a book for Frank. There is Kate, who writes for a newspaper and is all about the truth and we see how that worked out for Zoe. Claire is still working on getting her UN troops in, and has a very nice discussion in the bathroom with Alexi to tell him that Russia is getting bypassed and Israel is about to get involved, and this shit will get messy. Shit is starting to ramp up now.

-FREDDY DOGG IS BACK! Tryna get this job through America Works, but Frank can’t get a brotha makin’ ribs in the White House? Come on now. Priorities, Frank. The hell with the UN and the Middle East: the streets need these ribs.

-Frank meets with Thomas to give him stories for this book, which is meant to make people like Frank more, but Thomas looks like he has other ideas. This is happening as Frank is flying to Russia to meet with Petrov to hash out shit for the UN peace plan, which involves Petrov releasing Michael Corrigan. Petrov wants Corrigan to apologize for breaking Russia’s anti-gay laws, and Frank is hesitant on this. Petrov is pushing Frank like we’ve never seen Frank pushed before, and it’s kinda cool to see Frank on the back foot like this. So Claire gets involved, going into the cell to try and get Corrigan to read this statement, but it goes into a conversation about relationships and gets Claire thinking about herself and Frank, and everything they’ve done to get to where they are. As soon as she went to sleep in the cell, I knew he was killing himself. This sends Claire into a tailspin and she tells Frank that they’re murderers, then during a speech with Frank and Petrov, she berates Petrov for his stance, which all but kills any hope of a peace treaty.

-We finally start to see real cracks in the Underwoods’ relationship, which is the true theme of season 3, even though we see them renewing their vows in the South Carolina church in which they got married. Meanwhile, Frank is telling more stories to Thomas, who admits to Frank that the book that made him popular, Scorpio, was written by a dead friend. This is to get Frank to open up more as Thomas is getting the clean version of who Frank is, but Thomas knows there is more to it than Frank is letting on.

-Claire is still trying to get this troop shit passed, but more players are getting involved and it’s becoming more difficult, while Doug is still on Gavin to find Rachel and I still don’t care. There better be a payoff to this. The big thing in episode 7 is when Thomas asks Frank why he and Claire don’t sleep in the same room, which I didn’t know what was a big deal. I’ve known plenty of couples that don’t share a bed; sometimes, you just need your own space, I guess. But given everything that is going on with Claire and Frank, it’s a fair question to ask. By the end of the episode, they’re in the same bed and seemingly back on track, but I mean, come on….this won’t last long.

The first half of season 3 of House Of Cards was all about watching the Underwood team trying to stay together in their rockiest time yet. Claire is slowly realizing that she might not be about that life, while Frank realizes that they’re in it way too far to stop now. How will the rest of the season go? Stay tuned.