The Walking Dead brought Season 5 to a close with “Conquer”, a title that didn’t seem to fit on first glance. But it wasn’t what you would have expected of Rick and the group, and it encapsulated everything that was good (and bad) about a damn good fifth season. Let’s go….
-We open with the homie Morgan, which was one of my big questions going into the episode because we hadn’t seen him since the finale of Season 5A, “Coda“. He’s sleeping in the back of a car, which seems dangerous because what if a horde of walkers surround you in your sleep, but I forgot who we’re talkin’ about. He gets out of the car and is chillin’, tryna have his morning coffee like a civilized person when he is approached by someone with a gun and a “W” on his forehead. So we find out the Wolves are a group that goes around reclaiming the territory, basically killing them off, which is something we kinda figured out, so he tells Morgan he is takin’ all his shit and Morgan is about to die, then he is joined by another wolf. The two try to take Morgan, who goes all black Donatello on them with a bow staff, and fucks their entire life up. He then realizes that dude ran up on him with an empty gun, which had to be a piss-off, so he kills a walker, puts the wolves in the car he was sleeping in and beeps the horn to attract more walkers before taking a rabbit’s foot that was hanging from the mirror. That was one of the best cold opens of the season. Also, as per the black Donatello thing, I finally watched a bit of Talking Dead and Lennie James, who plays Morgan, said he trained with someone that worked on the Ninja Turtles movie, so there is that. I was pretty proud of that. And fuck y’all, the new TMNT movie was great.
-Rick wakes up in a room with Michonne, who tells him that Pete is in his own house and she reiterates that they just needed to be not out there anymore, which is fair. Then they’re joined by Glenn, Abe and Carol, who starts asking Rick about the stolen gun that she stole, and Rick is kinda lookin’ at her like, bitch, what? YOU TOOK IT FOR ME. But I think it was a matter of Carol tryna get him ready for Deanna’s interrogation and Carol is the brains behind the operation. Carol tells Rick to tell them what they wanna hear, which is what she has been doing since she got her and Michonne asks her why. Carol hits her with, “because these people are children and children like stories”. Apparently Deanna is having some sort of forum with the town to figure out what to do with Rick, who then comes up with a plan to take Deanna and company hostage if things go south. Actually, WHEN things go south because we know our group. Michonne says they can talk to each other, but Rick is like, yeah, with knives to their throats. Even Glenn is kinda wary of this, so it’ll be interesting to see if the group moves with Rick, well, everyone outside of Carol. We know she is down.
-Maggie is glaring at Father Bitchass through a window, then turns her attention to Deanna and Reg about the evening’s forum. Deanna isn’t really down to talk about it, which is fair because she has to be still grieving Aiden, but Reg tracks Maggie down and says some ol’ Kumbayah shit about everyone living together. Reg is too good for this world, and we know what happens to those people in The Walking Dead.
-Sasha continues to be crazy, wheeling dead walkers to a hole she dug because why not keep dead walkers around? They add a ton to the surroundings and I’m sure they smell great. Anyway, she kinda slips into the hole and says fuck it, lying down on the walkers. What a GD mess she is.
-Daryl and Aaron are still trackin’ someone or something, and Aaron, who is always talking, tells the story of the trio that was exiled from Alexandria. It was two men and a woman, and they were driven far away from the town. He can’t let that happen again, he says. So are these people now wolves? Was that the woman that was tied to a tree? Actually, never mind, Aaron would have known it was her, unless he’s shady and that wouldn’t surprise me at all.
-Carol visits Rick, who asks why she sold him out with Michonne with the guns earlier, and Carol has her reservations about Michonne, which is completely fair; she’s been acting kinda strange since they got to Alexandria, but that’s because she just wanted to stop running. Rick says he doesn’t want to take Alexandria, and he doesn’t wanna lie anymore. Carol just smiles at him and says, “awwww sunshine….you don’t get both”. KILLA CAROL IS SUCH A FUCKING G.
-Aaron and Daryl are following a dude in a red poncho, then we cut to Rick walking down the street. He says hello to three dudes who are lookin’ around like, could we even take him? Then he glares at Deanna or rather, they glare at each other. Meanwhile, Nicholas is plottin’ on Glenn from across the street, then Maggie comes out and tells Glenn she will try and talk to the entire town to get Rick out of this. Rick goes to his house and tells Carl he might have to threaten some mufuckas at the meeting, and even Carl is like, oh fuck, again? But Carl seems to be taking pity on this group; they don’t know what the streets are like nowadays. Besides, he needs like, a few more days to holla at Enid.
-Daryl and Aaron find a food warehouse about 50 miles away from Alexandria, so they get past a fence and a buncha walkers and this seems like such a terrible idea. Aaron finds an Alaskan license plate, because that shit is important. Daryl is lookin’ around like, something doesn’t seem right, but he tries to open a container, which starts a booby trap and walkers start coming from every direction. The chase is on and they’re trapped under a truck. Daryl kills three walkers at once with a chain, and Aaron slams one of their heads in a door as the two are trapped inside a car. Daryl says hey, maybe if we chill for a couple hours, someone will come. Then Aaron finds a note that says, “TRAP BAD PEOPLE COMING DON’T STAY” and it looks like the last three words are written in blood, so there goes that plan.
-Pete is wallowing, and Carol is knocking at the door. Carol brings over a tuna casserole and a knife, and threatens to kill Pete if he doesn’t come back to treat Tara, along with him just being a dickbag in general. The shot of Carol threatening Pete, who is at least eight inches taller than Carol, is fantastic, and she hits him with that “come at me bro”. Carol has a way of making everyone around her feel very small when she wants to, and it makes Pete freak out as he drops the dish on the ground, starts yelling that it isn’t his house and trashes the place.
-After talking to Maggie, Glenn saw Nicholas climb over the wall, which seems to be a common theme in Alexandria, and he follows him through the woods, but Nicholas shoots him in the shoulder. Nicholas ain’t truly about that life because he had a clean shot, but when he goes to find Glenn, there is no body. He has no idea who he is messin’ with.
-Rick goes to see Jessie because that sounds like a great idea, which she even admits, but Rick doesn’t care and she tells him he was right. Pete is looking through the window from across the street, so that’s gon’ happen.
-We’re back to Daryl and Aaron in the car, and Daryl admits that he fits in better in the open than back at the houses, which sounds about right. Daryl then comes up with a plan to draw the walkers to him while Aaron makes a run for it, and Aaron is like, fuck that, we’re doing this together. They get their shit up to make a run for it and then, BAM, Morgan comes outta nowhere and clears a path for them. They’re like, who the fuck are you, b? Aaron starts talkin’ like shit, tellin’ names and where they live and Daryl shoots him a look like, yo, shit the fuck up. But Morgan says he is on somewhere and hands Daryl the map that says, “The new world is gonna need Rick Grimes”. WE’RE ALMOST THERE.
-Father Bitchass went for a walk outside of the gates and finds a walker with a noose around his neck and says that he is ready, and I would love to see this walker win, but he seems to notice the person that the walker was eating is still alive, and he is even too much of a coward to die. He kills the walker and the dude who was a buffet for said walker, and he continues to cry and lie in the street. Fuck this dude, fuck his life, his friends, his family and everything that has to do with him.
-Abe goes to visit Tara and brings this little pitiful plant, but he sees Eugene and doesn’t wanna deal with a discussion that I figured they had a long time ago. They apologize for past indiscretions (Eugene lying, Abe for knocking him out), and yeah, that’s cool. I don’t care. Good for them. One of them is dying in the first couple episodes of Season 6.
-Gabriel comes back and Spencer, Deanna’s other son, wants to talk to him later on. But Father Bitchass, being the fuckboy he is, DOESN’T SHUT THE GATE ENTIRELY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????
-Nicholas is still tryna find Glenn, and you’d think he would just follow the trail of blood, but he’s an idiot. He gets distracted by a walker and Glenn jumps him and the two fight, and somehow, Glenn winds up with three walkers on him. Keep that in the back of your head for a minute.
-Michonne finds Rick before the meeting, and Rick tells her about the guns they stole, and they lied to Michonne because they weren’t sure of her. Michonne is like, y’all don’t think I’m down for the cause? She wants to do this non-violently, bu she says she is still with Rick and I’m down for this power couple of Rick and Michonne. Rickonne? Mick? I don’t know, I’ll figure something out before next season.
-We see someone unsheathing a sword, but no face. I think it is Rick, who looks out of the window and notices something. It is that the gate has been left open and something or someone got in. He springs into action and starts looking, while Father Bitchass gets back to his place and finds Sasha, who needs to talk to him about going crazy. This is being cut with the meeting, but they’re missing some people, a lot of people, actually. Rick is still chasing whatever got in through the gates, Nicholas and Glenn are still out in the woods, Father Bitchass and Sasha, Aaron and Daryl….but Deanna is tryna get this poppin’.
-Carol and Abe are talkin’ Rick up to the group and saying they need him, while Glenn comes outta nowhere and bops Nicholas over the head. Now, I wanna stop for a second. Glenn is badass and I have no question that he could have beaten those three walkers on top of him, but dogg, we need to see that because when we left him, I assumed that would be the end of that. That was probably my biggest problem with the episode; actually, second-biggest and both involve Glenn.
-Meanwhile, Rick is fighting off a walker and they’re on the ground, but it looks like he first puts his gun through its head, and then squeezes its head until it pops on some Game Of Thrones shit. Then it cuts to the red poncho guy, who is being walked up to the fence where the food trap was, and the two men with him slit his throat and say, welcome home. Interesting.
-Maggie takes over for Rick’s side, and says some shit about family, but Deanna is like, Father Bitchass told me y’all were on some bullshit. Jessie pushes back against her and she has to be a little pissed because Deanna was basially ready to sacrifice her because Pete is a doctor. Meanwhile, Glenn is still kickin’ Nicholas’ ass in the woods in the world’s longest fight scene, while Sasha has Father Bitchass on the ground with a gun pointed at him, which brings a happy tear to my eye. But then, we cut to the food trap and they have a remote system where there is music playing inside the containers, which draws the walkers back inside. These mufuckas, I’m assuming they’re the wolves, are pretty smart.
-The group are still talkin’ and someone, I think his name is Tobin, says something about keeping his family safe and if they gotta get rid of some people….just as Rick comes through with a dead walker over his shoulder. All he had to say after that was, THIS IS WHY Y’ALL MUFUCKAS NEED ME. Glenn still has a gun to Nicholas’ head and he is begging for his life, and Glenn is so much better than me because he doesn’t kill him. I woulda shot ol’ boy in his legs and left him there. That was my biggest problem with this episode, but I’m petty. Meanwhile, Maggie walks in on Sasha and stops her from shooting Father Bitchass, who says it was his fault that they all died, so I assume that is his congregation. Maggie feels sorry for him and helps him up. Maybe getting this off his chest will help be a better person next season? I hope so; I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
-Rick listens to Carl and Michonne and tells the people how it is, while there are cuts to scenes with Carl and Judith, and Glenn helping Nicholas back, Maggie/Father Bitchass/Sasha picking a great time for a prayer circle, Tara wakes up with Rosa and someone picking up a bag; the bag was Aaron’s, and the person picking it up was one of the two men that are controlling the walkers. All Rick is saying is that there are people and things out there that want to kill them and they have to strike first, and he was wondering how many of the Alexandria people he had to kill to make them see that, but he decided against it and that they had to change or else.
-Just then, Pete barges in with Michonne’s sword (so it was him unsheathing it earlier) and tries to go after Rick and Reg tries to intercept him, while Carol whispers, “do it now”. Pete slashes his throat and gets taken down by Abe while everyone gasps and Carol inside is hittin’ that Mr. Burns laugh like, holy shit this is working out SO WELL. Deanna is freaking out because now she has lost her husband, too, and says to Rick, ” do it”, and Rick shot Pete so fast. Then Aaron, Daryl and Morgan walk up like, what y’all doin’?
-After the credits, we see Michonne putting her sword on her back again, where it belongs, while we also see red poncho guy, who is now a walker, pass the car that Daryl and Aaron were inside of, and it says, “WOLVES NOT FAR” on the outside.
Well, alright then. The group managed to take over Alexandria, conquer, as it were, and this was similar to the way in which kinda took over the farm. They talked to the people running place and hey, a little blood had to get spilled, but it’s for the greater good and that is a huge overarching theme in The Walking Dead. You might not think you have to get your hands dirty in the zombie apocalypse, but you’re gon’ have to do it at some point, whether you’re the Alexandria people, or Father Bitchass. So, it looks like the wolves are building an army of walkers, while Rick is building an army of Alexandrians, so that shit ’bout to come to a head next season. And hey, Carl and Judith will have a new mommy, so that’s sorted.
Overall, it was a great ending to what I think has been the best season of the show since, shit, probably the first or second. I mean, I saw some people complaining about how many commercials there were, but AMC gotta eat and if you didn’t know how it would go down beforehand, you haven’t been watching TV very long. In particular, the second half was everything that is awesome about The Walking Dead and yeah, there were a couple of shaky parts, but come on, this shit ain’t exactly Mad Men or Breaking Bad, AMC’s two other flagship shows. By Season 5, you should know what you’re getting out of this show and they set a new rating record with this episode, so someone has to be doing something right. Anyway, I’m ready for Season 6. Until then, y’all. Thanks for rockin’ with me.