After a solid opening to the fifth season, Game Of Thrones rolls on with “The House Of Black And White”, which couldn’t be any more straightforward on the surface. However, things aren’t always as they see, which you should expect by now from this show. Let’s go….
-We get our first look at Arya, who arrives in Braavos with that statue of the Titan, and it’s fitting that the place where the Iron Bank resides has one of the most picturesque shots we’ve seen in the show, but it has to be wildly expensive. HBO money, y’all. HBO money. Anyway, Arya gets sailed through Braavos to The House of Black and White, which has one black door and one white door, but it’s on its own little island. She knocks on the door like she’s sellin’ Girl Scout cookies, but an old black man answers the door and shuts it in her face, even when she shows her little coin that got her on the boat to get here. So she stays there for I would assume a day or so, through night in a rainstorm, reciting the names of Cersei, Walder Frey, The Mountain and Meryn Trant on her revised kill list. The door never opens again, so Arya throws her coin in the water and makes her way back to the shore, how she does that, we don’t see, but that seems like one helluva swim.
-Brienne and Pod wind up at the same pub as Sansa and Littlefinger, and Brienne tries to convince Sansa to come with her, but Littlefinger does bring up some interesting points. She is an outsider while he is family to Sansa (which doesn’t even phase me after the whole Cersei/Jaime thing), and the people she has been tasked to watch, Renly and Catelyn, are both dead. Brienne’s track record isn’t the best, but she splits with the quickness when Littlefinger says they should join him. She manages to save Pod da Gawd, who is just simply the worst squire ever, and I think at this point she just wants someone to protect, so Pod it is. Sansa and Arya don’t want her help.
-Cersei calls Jaime in to talk about their daughter Myrcella, who was sent to Dorne by Tyrion a while ago. However, she gets Myrcella’s chain wrapped in the fangs of a carved viper, who is a threat from Oberyn’s people, who think the Lannisters had something to do with his death and in a roundabout way, they’re not wrong. Cersei is freaking out and Jaime says he’ll go to rescue her, and Cersei is like, you ol’ one-handed sucker? What are you gon’ do? You just can’t please Cersei, but Jaime continues to try, even though she already shat on him for being captured and tortured. And of course, she has wine with her, because Cersei. Also, she says he has never been a father to any of their children, while he points out that, well, it was incest and that is kinda frowned upon. She is the worst.
-So Jaime goes to visit Bronn, who has hooked with this homely lady who is in line for a castle, but I’m not sure that she is next to get it. Bronn is hangin’ around like Frank Gallagher in Shameless, tryna get this hookup, and when he introduces his lady to Jaime and she kinda blushes, he is like, yo, back up, I’m puttin’ in hard work for this. Jaime tells him he can have more if Bronn goes to Dorne to help him get Myrcella back. And shoutout to the actress that plays said homely girl, which I’m absolutely sure was put in the casting call. Gotta get that work, tho.
-We head to Dorne for the first time, where Oberyn’s widow (I think), Ellaria Sand, is glaring at Myrcella and she is all but threatening his brother, Doran, to do something to Myrcella. She does an awful lot of threatening for someone who really isn’t a part of the family and Doran is like, you better watch your tone. She doesn’t seem to understand that all of this would have been avoided if Oberyn wasn’t tryna style on mufuckas. He could have just killed The Mountain on the humble, but now he’s dead with no eyes.
-Daario and Grey Worm are hunting for Harpy men, and they find one hidden behind a wall in a house. They lock him up, and then they try to figure out what to do with him. Are they going to kill him? Does he get a trial? At least Dany seems to be listening to people for now. It seems like she is leaning towards killing him, but Ser Barristan tells Dany the story of her father, the Mad King, who was indeed a little crazy and that insanity brought down the Targaryens. He thought he was doing the right thing, which is basically the path that Dany is on, so she at least promises to have a trial. The black and white in the title also speaks to how Dany has thought all along, but she seems to be realizing now that everything isn’t cut and dry.
-Tyrion and Varys are continuing their road trip with Tyrion being drunk, as usual, and he wants to go for a walk as he has been inside a box of some sort for a long time now. Varys points out that Tyrion did a good job when he was the Hand of the King, but he has to stay on the low because Cersei has a hit out on him, promising Lordship to whomever brings her his head. Tyrion is like, so she’ll kill all the dwarfs in the world until she gets to him?
-Cut (no pun intended) to a head being dropped on the table in front of Cersei, who decides to not kill the men who brought her the wrong head, but to answer Tyrion’s question, yes, yes she will. She wants to get rid of the head, but Qyburn asks if he can keep it for his experiments. Remember, he is healing The Mountain. Son seems to be on some real Frankenstein shit.
-Cersei meets with the council to assign new titles, with Qyburn as the Master of Whisperers, Mace Tyrell will be the Master of Coin and Kevan, her uncle, will be the Master of War while the Hand will remain vacant….although Cersei herself sits in the chair. Kevan realizes what is going on and spazzes on her, saying he is going to Casterly Rock until Tommen calls for him, since he is the King. Cersei is basically tryna run shit as Tywin always did, but if anyone is going to throw shade at her, it’s Kevan, so that means he has to die soon somehow.
-Gilly is being taught how to read by Stannis’ daughter Shireen, and she tells Shireen that her sisters also had the greyscale disease, but they suffered far worse and were eventually killed by Craster. Shireen’s mom comes down and tells Shireen not to speak to Gilly, who is a wildling, and she has been brainwashed by Sidepiece of the Year, Melisandre, so that isn’t surprising. Meanwhile, Stannis chastises Jon Snow for showing mercy to Mance Rayder, but he offers Jon the chance to change his name to Jon Stark, and no longer be the Bastard of Winterfell, if he leaves the Night’s Watch to get more people on board with Stannis’ plan. I was speaking with someone about this and man, Jon Snow stays winning, no matter what he does. But then he tells Sam that he is going to turn Stannis down because of his oath for the Night’s Watch, which he has already broken like, seven times, but whatever.
-Sam then nominates Jon Snow as new Commander of the Night’s Watch as Alliser Thorne was the favorite, but Jon Snow had to drag him to safety. Denys Mallister tried to shit on Jon for being in love with Ygritte, but but Sam points out that he was hiding with Gilly at the Wall when shit went down. For all of his faults, Jon is the best man to lead the Night’s Watch, so of course, Jon Snow stays winning. That has to be the name of an episode at some point in Game Of Thrones. And of course, Maester Aemon gets the last vote to break the tie between Alliser and Jon. The fuck you think was gon’ happen here?
-Jon is the 998th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Just make out your will now and keep it movin’. But Jon Snow stay winning.
-Arya is threatened by some young boys after she kills a pigeon to eat, but behind her, they see the old black man from the House of Black And White. She follows him to the house and he takes off his hood; it is Jaqen H’ghar, who gave her the coin originally in Season 2, but he left to become one of the Faceless Men of Braavos, and he can change his appearance. So he is about to train Arya. This is basically Kill Bill all over again and I’m so ready for this.
-The kid who wanted Dany to kill the Harpy instead kills him anyway, which goes against what Dany wanted, so now he has to die. Publicly, by beheading, apparently. So now Dany is torn: does she kill him for going against her, but by doing so, she risks the slaves turning on her. Daario carries out the execution and the slaves start hissing at her, and shit was kinda creepy on the low; I also really hate snakes and hissing reminds me of them (I felt some kinda way about the carved snake that Cersei received from Dorne, but I held it together). Anyway, a riot starts and Dany is taken back to her pyramid.
-Dany just wants to be alone, not even Daario is allowed to stay, but she hears something outside. We all knew what was coming, I think: Drogon, the missing dragon who is now a motherfucking beast. He is HUGE now, and Dany speaks to him, and he does sniff her hand, but he flies away again. I’m not sure if he’s fuckin’ with her or not, but again, I don’t think the dragons would EVER harm her, if they even can because fire doesn’t hurt Dany (remember at the end of Season 1 where she walks out of the burning pyre). But man, listen: as long as she gets them shits under control, fuck being liked by people. Like these dragons, bitch. As for the beef between the former slavers and the slaves, Dany’s hands were tied there. Either way, someone was about to be mad, but again, once she sorts out this dragon issue, she doesn’t have to be liked.
That was really the big takeaway from me for “The House Of Black And White”, outside of Jon Snow and his winning ways. Also, I would like to know if Ellaria will listen to Doran as she said something about wondering how long he will rule, and I think she has the Sand Snakes under her thumb. Will Tyrion manage to get through an episode sober? How long until Arya gets her black belt in Faceless jiu-jitsu? Sigh. Two episodes already and it feels like Game Of Thrones is moving far too fast.