When it comes to Game Of Thrones, it’s all about aligning yourself with the best chance to get closer to the Iron Throne, or even just to stay alive. We saw a couple examples of that in “High Sparrow”, along with an ending that makes me mad just thinking about it again. Let’s go….
-We open at the House Of Black And White, where Arya is sweeping the floor because all men must serve, as Jaqen H’ghar said. He gives a man a drink of water, while Arya tells Jaqen what she ain’t about to do, and that is sweep floors. Patience has never been Arya’s strong suit. Then she says the water-drinking man dead on the floor, and two more put him on a stretcher to carry him out. Don’t drink the water at the Dojo of the Dead, folks. Also, we see The Waif for the first time, ol’ “The Ring” ass lookin’ girl.
-Cersei is ridin’ through the city streets and she is vexed about hearing Margaery being called Queen, which means that her and Tommen are about to be married. Then they consummated the marriage and Tommen was doin’ some internal partyin’, as we all did the first time we had sex, while Margaery started plotting right away. She suggests that Tommen think about sending Cersei somewhere away from them as she’ll be meddling in his affairs and treating him like a child. Tommen relays this suggestion to Cersei, and you can see her muttering, “THIS bitch” in her head as he wants her go to Casterly Rock.
-The we get the meeting of the minds as Cersei goes to talk to Margaery, who got all these jokes for days, talkin’ about how much she and Tommen were fuckin’ the night before and then she apologizes to Cersei as they have no wine out, it’s a bit early for them, but not for her. Remember those cartoons where you could see smoke coming out of the characters’ ears? That would be Cersei, who took all the punches Margaery threw, and walked way on some, “I’m get this bitch SO GOOD”. Margaery definitely won that battle, but she doesn’t know who she is playin’ with. Again, if she was smart, she would learn to work with Cersei and the two could run shit, but teamwork doesn’t always fly in Game Of Thrones.
-We finally get to see Winterfell, where Theon/Reek sees two flayed bodies hanging and it probably takes him back to the burning of the children, which is why no one should feel sorry for him. The flaying was of course done by Ramsey, and father Roose is tryna talk him down, saying that his actions will have future consequences which they don’t need to deal with because they don’t have Lannister backing anymore. He tells Ramsey that he should have a suitable wife as he is a lord now, That wife will be…….
-Cut to Sansa and Littlefinger and their crew riding along and Sansa sees her former home, and she knows what time it is. Sansa obviously isn’t with it, but Littlefinger persuades her that this is the best chance for her to avenge her family and it will keep her safe. She thinks about it for a minute and she still doesn’t like it, but she rides on and I’m starting to like Sansa far more than I ever have. She’s getting better at playing the game every week.
-Then we get Brienne’s backstory as she was the daughter of a lord who tried to marry her off, but her group of suitors were making fun of her behind her back because of her appearance, and Renly Baratheon was the only one to more or less treat her as a human, which is why she pledged her allegiance to him, even though Renly was obviously gay and didn’t mess with women. So her plan is to avenge Renly by killing Stannis, although she’ll probably have to go through Melisandre and the Vagina Shadow as well. She also tells Pod da Gawd that she will teach him how to fight with a sword and she seems to be coming around on Pod, at least enough to be civil with him.
-Stannis tries to get Jon to take his offer once again, but Jon is steadfast in being the leader of the Night’s Watch and asks Stannis how long he’s gon’ be staying on the couch for. The Night’s Watch can’t continue to feed his army, along with the wildling prisoners, and shit is getting real with winter coming and all. Stannis says he’ll be out before the snow starts, and that Jon should consider sending Alliser away, but Jon wants to keep his enemies close and all that. Stannis leaves, but Davos sticks around and asks Jon to reconsider once again because Stannis likes him for some reason and Stannis doesn’t like anyone. To be fair, he’s kinda right. Even though Stannis isn’t the most interesting character and he’s being run by Melisandre, he seems to be in a good position to make a run at the Iron Throne. Jon Snow tryna be honorable, though, and we all saw where that got his father.
-The Waif confronts Arya and starts whipping her when Arya won’t tell her who she is. I see where she is coming from as Arya just waltzes in here demanding a spot in the Dojo of the Dead, and she has probably been there for a decade now, still sweeping floors. Jaqen steps in to defend her, but he does say that Arya can’t be “no one” as she said as she has Arya Stark’s clothes and was about to wreck shop with Arya Stark’s sword. Basically, you have to give up your entire identity to be down with the Faceless Men. So Arya throws away her shit, but she can’t bear to throw away Needle, which was given to her by Jon a long, long time ago and is the only tie she has left to her family, so she buries it in some rocks. Maisie Williams is a beast, bruh. i just wanted to hug her throughout the entire scene.
-She goes back to the Dojo and is ordered to help The Waif clean another dead body, so maybe she should be happy that she isn’t dying. The Waif ain’t about to answer any of her questions though, so Arya grabs a cloth and gets to washing.
-Sansa and Littlefinger roll up in Winterfell and Theon/Reek sees her, but says nothing. Sansa bites her tongue when greeting the Boltons, which is smart because well, living is fun. Then she greets Ramsey, but then it flashes to some girl lookin’ mad, and her name is Myranda, whom you might remember from helping Ramsey castrate Theon, then helping him chase some girl through the woods and feeding her to dogs, and then fucking him as Theon’s sister tried to rescue him. Keep an eye on that, because she’s about to be so damn mad.
-Sansa is shown to her old room, but it’s like she has never seen it before. Then an older woman welcomes her home and says, “The North Remembers”, which is a quote that the northerners follow and you gotta believe that will come back again. Game Of Thrones is too smart to drop something like that out there and then not do anything with it. It probably won’t be for a while, though. My theory is that Sansa and Ramsey’s wedding might be a shitshow because well, weddings and Game Of Thrones equals shitshow.
-Jon tells Sam that he decided not to take Stannis’ offer and then instead of being petty, he gives Alliser a good job as the First Ranger, which means he is better than I because I would have had dude digging the new latrine. Then he tells Janos Slynt to oversee Greyguard and Janos all but tells him to go fuck himself, so Jon is like, NAH, and they take him outside. Janos is taken aback by Alliser letting them take him outside because Alliser is like, yo, we gotta follow the leader now, I got a good job and I’m not tryna get beheaded. Janos quickly realizes the error of his ways and starts pleading for his life and it looks like Jon is about to give him mercy, but instead cuts his head off because like his father said in what I believe was the first episode, he said if you pass down the sentence, you must swing the sword. Jon can’t be lookin’ soft out here in these Night’s Watch streets. Stannis approves of this message.
-The High Septon is in Littlefinger’s brothel, tryna relax, but he gets rolled up on by Lancel and the Sparrows, who make him walk naked through the streets and assault him. He demands that the King or Cersei or whomever is in charge arrest the Sparrows, so Cersei goes to the hood to talk to the High Sparrow, who is serving food barefooted to a slew of poor people. He thinks she’s about to be on some bullshit, but Cersei instead tells him that he’s fine and the High Septon has been jailed and it seems like she’s tryna broker some sort of deal between the Harpys For God and the throne. See? Sober Cersei be plannin’, while Drunk Cersei be schemin’. Those are two very different things.
-Then Cersei goes to Qybush’s dungeon and orders him to write a letter to Littlefinger immediately, then she leaves and under the sheet, The Mountain gives a little shake and Qybush is like, it’s okay, just relax. The fuck is going on in Frankenstein’s dungeon?
-Sansa walks through Winterfell and Theon/Reek looks like he’s about to call to her, but doesn’t, so that’ll be a thing for the next couple of episodes. Littlefinger tells Ramsey not to hurt Sansa, which I still don’t think he will, but now she has to worry about that Myranda girl being jealous. Then Littlefinger and Roose meet and Littlefinger gets his letter from Cersei, but it has been opened by Roose and the two go back and forth on questioning each other’s loyalty. Hey bruh, that’s what you get when you’re a snake that deals with snakes. Gotta take the good with the bad. Anyway, they come to some sort of conclusion, but Roose says he wants to read the reply and Littlefinger agrees, although you can see the wheels turning on how he’ll get his real message to Cersei.
-Tyrion finally persuades Varys to make a stop in Volantis and the head-shaking starts. They hear a speech from a woman that says she used to be a slave, but now she preaches for the Dragon Queen, which means Dany. However, she makes eye contact with Tyrion and stares into his soul, which scares him and they leave, but would you think that would be enough to make them leave? NOAP. Tyrion wants to go to a brothel because that is where all the good people go in Game Of Thrones. Two episodes in Season 5 have featured brothels, and nothing good has come from either episode. They see a prostitute dressed like Dany on some Lisa Ann/Sarah Palin shit (Google it), but Tyrion sees another girl that he likes. However, he can’t get up the gumption to fuck with her, which I read as guilt over killing Shea, and instead goes out to take a piss and I just cursed at the television. Someone walks up behind him and puts a rope on him: it is Jorah, who we saw earlier as Tyrion was entering the brothel. He wraps up Tyrion and says he is taking him to the Queen, which I figured was Cersei so he could get this ransom. However, I was talking to my homegirl Jamie (who also reminded me that Jon Snow gave Needle to Arya and the ties to the family and all) and she put forth Dany, which I never considered, but it makes sense. That girl was talkin’ about the Dragon Queen earlier and Jorah doesn’t really fuck with Cersei and ’em like that, and he could bring Tyrion to Dany to use as some sort of leverage against the Lannisters, which means he obviously hasn’t been paying attention to what has been going on. But it’s definitely plausible.
So there wasn’t a lot of action in “High Sparrow”, but all of the pieces on the chessboard seem to be in place now to move forward with the rest of the season. Where is Jorah taking Tyrion and for the love of God, where is Varys? Cersei about to make the Sparrows her assassination squad? Did Jaime ever make his way to Dorne with Bronn? Will someone, anyone, tell Arya what the hell is going on? Game Of Thrones has a lot on the table these days.