Game Of Thrones certainly isn’t a show for the faint of heart, and many times, viewers are left to wonder if they went too far. With “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” (which is the motto of the House Martell), people are asked to make that decision once again and I’ll tell you right now….actually, fuck it. We’ll get there. Let’s go…..
-We open with Arya, still wiping dead bodies down, and the body is taken away, but she wants to see where it goes and she’s stopped by the Waif (apparently that is her name) and Arya is fed the fuck up; she wants to know when she gets her Faceless training on. The Waif says that she has already played and lost and Arya is like, what kinda grapefruit ass shit is that, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS PLAYING. Then ol’ Waify tells a story of where she might be from, but she alludes to it possibly being a lie and it’s all a part of becoming Faceless, but never saying it, of course, because she’s an asshole. But I did figure out that she isn’t blind as I thought the first time we saw her.
-Then Arya is tryna sleep when she is woken up by Jaqen, who asks her a bunch of questions about who she is, but every time she tells the truth, he hits her. By the end of it, Arya is like, this is some fuckin’ bullshit and I don’t wanna play, and he’s like, yeah, b, you never stop playing. I get where this is going, but they gotta hurry up. I ain’t tryna watch this fuckboy slap Arya around while she’s washing bodies for the next season and a half.
-Tyrion is tryna make small talk with Jorah, and we see the greyscale again, I don’t know how Tyrion didn’t see him looking at it, but hey, it is what it is. Tyrion tells Jorah of why he’s on the road (killed his pops, murdered his side chick/true love), and then he goes on to tell Jorah his father was a good man, and Jorah is like, how you know my pops? He tells Jorah that he met him on the Wall and that there would never be another like him…..Jorah stares at Tyrion, and it takes the imp a minute to figure out that Jorah never knew what happened to his father. Jorah gets Tyrion to tell him what happened (his own men turned on him) and the two are off again. Most times, Tyrion’s mouth gets him into trouble, but sometimes…..yeah, not so much.
-Arya is now washing the floors when a man brings his sick daughter to the House of Black and White, and I wanna know how he got in there when Arya had to sit outside for a day in the rain. Anyway, he just wants it to end because she is really sick, and Arya comforts her with a lie of a story, along with another lie that the water will help her, but that shit put her an eternal sleep. Jaqen is watching this and he is impressed with her compassion, along with her lying, and he creeps up on her (because he doesn’t know how to move any other way), leading her to follow him. He leads her to the Hall of Faces, all faces taken from the dead bodies that are washed, and ask her she is ready to become no one, and she hesitates. He says she is ready to become someone else, though. Next episode, I wanna see Arya runnin’ up steps on some Rocky shit.
-Tyrion and Jorah are walking and talking, and Jorah asks Tyrion if he believed in anything and Tyrion is like, NOAP. Jorah says he didn’t, but then he saw Dany walk out of the burning pyre with her baby dragons, which is fair. Tyrion is still a little skeptical because the Targaryens are, well, fucking crazy, which is also fair, and lays out a few reasons as to why she isn’t good for the Iron Throne, but as they’re getting to that, they see a slave ship. However, they also notice that they’re surrounded. They proceed to beat the hell outta Jorah and the main guy (played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who was Mr. Eko in Lost and Adebisi in Oz) wants to cut off Tyrion’s cock to sell it because a dwarf’s cock has magic powers. Tyrion starts pleading that they’ll need to prove the cock is from a dwarf, and the second-in-command is like, it’ll be dwarf-size and Tyrion is like, GUESS AGAIN. He manages to keep himself and Jorah alive as he tells them about Jorah being a great fighter who has killed Dothraki, and if they get to the fighting pits in Meereen (which are going to be open soon), he’ll prove it. Shit is like kidnapping Inception, but they’re en route to Meereen again.
-WHERE IN THE BLUE FUCK IS VARYS????????????
-Littlefinger strolls up into King’s Landing, where he is greeted by Lancel’s crazy ass. Lancel tries to threaten Littlefinger by saying there will be no more prostitution in these streets, but Littlefinger ain’t scared, shit, he has been threatened by more important people.
-Littlefinger gets to Cersei, who continues to say she had nothing to do with Loras gettin’ hemmed up and he’s like, come on, b, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter, but whatever, the Tyrells ain’t gon’ like this. Cersei is tryna get the Vale on their side for when the war starts and Littlefinger not only says that they will, but that he knows Sansa is in Winterfell and Cersei is like, say word????? He tells Cersei of Roose’s plan to marry Sansa to Ramsey, which pisses her off after the Lannisters and Boltons pulled off the Red Wedding together, but Littlefingers advises Cersei to let the Boltons fight Stannis and his people, then they can take over the North, and Littlefinger will be the Warden of the North (I think that’s how it works, either way, the plan is for Littlefinger to be somebody). Cersei doesn’t care now, she just wants Sansa’s head on a spike. Would Littlefinger set Sansa up like that? It might be the ultimate revenge for him not getting Cat, but really, that might be the least of Sansa’s worries at this very moment.
-Myrcella is with the boy she is supposed to marry, Trystane, who is the nephew of Oberyn and the son of Prince Doran, who knows Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are probably coming for her, so the leader of his security crew gotta watch them. Meanwhile, Jaime and Bronn have stolen the clothes of the men they killed and are riding towards the city, and Ellaria is indeed plotting with the Sand Snakes to snatch up Myrcella, so you get the feeling it’s about to go down. They all meet in the courtyard and as Jaime is tryna convince Myrcella to come with him, but the Sand Snakes come out and they have a lumberjack match (three Sand Snakes against Jaime and Bronn). But before anyone gets hurt, Doran’s bouncer and his people are like, we’re just taking everyone in and we’ll figure it out. They also go and grab Ellaria, because fuck her. Talkin’ bad to the prince like you’re somebody.
-Lady Olenna is on her way to King’s Landing, talkin’ mad shit about how it stinks and how the rumors against Loras are gossip and something about pillowbiters being arrested because quite frankly, Lady O doesn’t give a flying fuck about your feelings. She goes to Cersei to figure this shit out, and Cersei isn’t backing down from her lie that the Faith Militant was behind Loras’ getting jailed, but Lady O isn’t buying that at all. Lady O is like, dogg, we’re feeding your fuckin’ people and this is the thanks we get? Cersei is like, I’m fighting on this lie, and tells her that the High Septon is calling for a preliminary trial to see if the charges against Loras will stick, and kicks Lady O out. SON…..the look that she gives Cersei before she leaves, that has to be a GIF somewhere.
-Whenever Tywin was writing letters, something was usually about to happen. Are they carrying that tradition with Cersei, who was writing this entire time? Do her words hold the same weight?
-We go to this trial of Loras, who is denying everything, so the High Septon decides to call Margaery forward, which is surprising because she’s the Queen, but she’s like, I don’t know shit about shit, bruh, and I’m the fuckin’ Queen. The High Septon brings out Oliver, who of course, was in bed with Loras when Margaery visited them a couple episodes ago, and he snitches like all get out on everyone, saying that not only was he in bed with Loras, but Margaery just lied to y’all and the Septon is like, welp, guess we got a trial. Margaery yells, “I AM THE QUEEN”, looking right at Cersei, who is partyin’, while Tommen is like, I’m never getting sex again and Lady O was all but ready to take her earrings off and throw down with Cersei. My money is on Lady O, by the way. Cersei hit her with that “your move” smirk, and man, it’s about to get so ugly for her.
-Myranda has been sent to give Sansa a bath so that she’s good for this wedding she doesn’t want to do, and she tries to tell Sansa a bunch of stuff to scare her away from Ramsey, like Sansa actually wants to go through with this. But Sansa realizes what is going on: Myranda is in love with Ramsey, but Winterfell is Sansa’s home and she won’t be intimidated. Then Theon shows up and says he is to escort Sansa down the aisle, arm in arm or Ramsey will hurt me, and Sansa is like, bitch, you killed my brothers, fuck your feelings. The truth is gon’ be SO GOOD.
-So then we have a wedding that looks the most unhappy time ever; at least with most weddings in Game Of Thrones, they start out happy. This joint is dark as shit, and the only one smiling is Ramsey because, well, Ramsey. Then we get to after the wedding, where they go back to a room to consummate the marriage and Ramsey finds out that Sansa is a virgin, which is tip #1 that this isn’t going to go well for her. Theon is about to leave and Ramsey is like, nah, you’re gon’ stay and watch the girl you grew up with become a woman, and she goes to take her clothes off, but not fast enough for Ramsey, who rips the back of her dress, bends her over and all we hear is her cries, while Theon has a look of utter terror on his face.
-Now, I’m not here to tell people what they can and/or can’t be upset by. Everyone has their goalposts. This was hard to watch, and it should have been. I was more upset with how the Jaime/Cersei scene was handled last season more than I was with the other night because that was a complete departure from the books. From what I’ve gathered, this was something like what happened in the books, but it was worse there (it was with a handmaiden or something, and there is shit that the GOT Wiki said was completely unfilmable). Now, that being said, I’m not condoning it because it was all sorts of fucked up and they probably could have changed it. Shit, Sansa was gon’ do it anyway (but don’t get twisted: it was still rape) because in this world, the women really didn’t have a say in, well, anything, especially when it came to marriages (Sansa has been a pawn in what, three marriages now?). I also don’t think we needed to see it to further the point that Ramsey is sadistic (then again, I also thought that he wouldn’t do anything to Sansa, so what do I know) but that wasn’t my call to make. I think they could have done without it, but man, Game Of Thrones has always been about this life and it won’t be the last time that happens, so I guess I wasn’t surprised. Some people say they’re done with it and hey, that’s their call.
-Everyone is going to have their take on that final scene and it’s fine. We can agree to agree or disagree, but just remember this: don’t be an asshole about it.
So, as if we didn’t want the worst shit in Westeros to happen to Ramsey, we do now (my prediction? Myranda does it). Jorah and Tyrion are just tryna get to Meereen without getting kidnapped again. Arya better have nunchuks or some shit, or practicing how to eat a single piece of rice with chopsticks (I can’t promise I’ll stop making Kill Bill/Arya references). The Lady O/Cersei beef has officially been put on the front burner, while Tommen wants to go back to his life of playing with his cat. And I suppose we’ll check in with Dany and ’em next week. The stage is yours, Game Of Thrones.