Game Of Thrones took a beating with “Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken“, and a lot of it has managed to cover up what has been an underwhelming couple of weeks. But business starts to pick up with “The Gift”, just in time as there are only three episodes left in the season. Let’s go…..
-Jon Snow is getting ready to head out with Tormund and get more wildlings, and Alliser looks like he can’t wait for Jon to leave so he can assume command of the Night’s Watch, and he also tells Jon that he thinks this is a mistake. Jon is like, oh, I know how you feel, but this is how it’s goin’ down. I think Alliser thinks all is good because Jon won’t make it back alive. He’ll be so mad when that doesn’t happen. Also, Sam gives Jon a dragonglass dagger like the one he used to kill the White Walker. I didn’t think they even had any more lying around.
-Maester Aemon is with Sam and Gilly and her baby, and he isn’t doing very well at all; I’d be surprised if he made it out of this episode. He tells Sam to get south, I think, before it’s too late, so the White Walkers are coming. They gotta be close, it’s been like, two seasons since we saw them last.
-Theon/Reek goes to take Sansa a meal, and she is a mess, bruised arms, crying in bed, possibly listening to a Mary J. Blige record. She begs Theon/Reek to take a candle to the broken tower, and she constantly tries to remind him of who he is, and he’s like, just do what he says and even though you say it can’t get worse, oh, it can. That little speech that Sansa gave him was very much like something like Catelyn would do. Sophie Turner has been really good this season.
-But does Theon/Reek go to the tower, even though he looks at it? No, no he doesn’t. He goes to Ramsey, who should be way bigger than he is, dude is ALWAYS eating when he isn’t terrorizing people. When is Theon/Reek gon’ die? I don’t even care if he’s redeemed anymore.
-Man, Winterfell looks MISERABLE.
-Cut to Brienne looking at the tower, waiting to see the candle, so she can storm the ring and clean house. How long before she says, “fuck a candle” and just rolls out?
-Aemon is talking to himself and he surely has to die soon, which he does, like, less than a minute later, so now there is only one Targaryen left in the Westerosi world that we know for sure. The Night’s Watch lays him to rest, but Alliser sidles up to Sam to say that all his friends are gone now. I’m sure if I did Fuckboy Rankings for this show, Alliser would be top five, easily.
-Sansa meets up with Ramsey, who tells her that he is thankful she isn’t ugly, which is about the biggest compliment you’ll get from Ramsey. He also seems to know that Stannis and ’em are en route, which is interesting because I don’t know they’d know, probably spy ravens or some shit. Then the two engage in a little back-and-forth about his validity to the throne since he is a bastard, even though he was naturalized by Tommen, who Sansa points out is also a bastard. But he throws back at her something about Jon, who she probably hasn’t even thought of in years, and then the knockout: he takes her to see the flayed body of the old woman that told her that the North remembered, and told her to light a candle. It’s also heavily implied that Theon/Reek betrayed her again. Just gotta burn down Winterfell and start over again, nothing good will come outta this place now.
-Davos tries to tell Stannis that it’s cold as shit, horses and people are dying and maybe they should head back to Castle Black to try and wait out the winter, but Stannis is like, nah, we said we would fight and now we gotta fight. Stannis then turns to Melisandre to be like, uh, you sure about all this? She says she has seen the visions of victory at Winterfell, but he might have to sacrifice someone else because they need King’s blood. That someone? Shireen, his daughter. Stannis is PISSED and is like, NOAP, you went too far now, you gotta get the fuck out. It took five seasons, but Stannis finally stands up to ol’ Shadow Vagina, who looks genuinely taken aback by his reaction.
-Two dudes roll up on Gilly and they’re tryna figure out if she’s really pretty, or pretty because she’s the only female around these parts, so you know they’re gon’ be on some bullshit right off the bat. They try to holla at her and she’s like, this is street harassment, and then Sam comes out with a sword…..and promptly gets his ass KICKED. These dudes are smackin’ fire out Sam’s ass, but he still got bars, talkin’ about he has killed a White Walker and a Thenn, he’ll take his chances against these two, who are about to step to him again. However, they’re greeted by Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, and they peace out. Sam passes out, but shoutout to Jon for leaving Ghost there. I think he did that on purpose because he knew people would test Sam and let’s keep it funky, we all know Sam ain’t shit when it comes to fighting.
-Gilly is cleaning up his cuts and telling him not to try that shit again, while Sam is like, I was pulllin’ that rope-a-dope on ’em, I was good. Anyway, I was just saying that she GOTTA give him a handjob at this point, I’ve been saying that since he saved her from the White Walker, but anyway, he gets more than a handjob and I think we can all agree that this “no sex life” rule for the Night’s Watch has been thrown in the bushes. Still, between this and Tommen/Margaery, this has been the season of the awkward sex scene for Game Of Thrones.
-Malko (the judges will also accept Mr. Eko from Lost or Adebisi from Oz because let’s keep it 100, he won’t be on the show long enough to need to know his real name) has Jorah up on the auction block. He sells Jorah to this guy, but Tyrion talks the buyer into taking him as well. Also, Tyrion kicks a dude’s ass for making fun of him and I’m like, how do you let a midget in shackles kick your ass? And where did this side of Tyrion come from? I guess when you’re mad, it just comes out.
-Dany and Daario are in bed talking, and Daario is a little jealous because Loraq is about to marry Dany, but everyone knows it is all political. Daario then suggests they get married and she’s the queen, so she can do whatever he wants, but that hasn’t worked out so far. He also suggests that when she goes to the re-opening of the fighting pits, she kill all the masters. She says she isn’t a butcher, but we’ve watched Dany nail slavers to crosses and feed masters to her dragons, so let’s not get all high and mighty, missus.
-Lady O visits the High Sparrow to try and negotiate a way out for Margaery and Loras, but he isn’t budging, sticking to his “laws of the gods” script. She offers money and then says she’ll stop sending food to King’s Landing, and she also points out that half of the city has been involved in some buggery, which will never not make me laugh. But he is holding strong in his beliefs and it isn’t even him, it’s up to the gods. It’s weird to see Lady O not getting her way, but she does point out that the Sparrows are also lawbreakers and this is kinda hypocritical, and she isn’t wrong. Also, as she leaves, she gets a note from someone.
-Tommen is freaking out that he can’t do anything about Margaery being locked up, or he thinks that he can’t, but he’s the fuckin’ king; he’s just being manipulated by Cersei, who tries to talk him out of starting a war. She says she’ll try to talk to the High Sparrow about this, and that she just wants him to be happy. Tyrion said it best about Cersei: she has two redeeming qualities, her cheekbones and her love for her children. However, the love for her children might take a backseat to the family name right now because this whole situation is about her tryna keep the Lannister name on top in these streets (yeah. Tommen’s last name is Baratheon, but we all know what’s good).
-Meanwhile, Jaime is in Dorne, getting visited by his daughter/niece Myrcella, who says that she has been here for years now and this is her home. This throws the entire timeline of the story off, but meh, Game Of Thrones has much larger things to worry about. Anyway, she’s getting married to Trystane and that’s all there is to it, and ol’ Goldenhand can’t do much about it.
-Bronn is singing ignorant songs about a Dornish wife down in his cell, which is across from the Sand Snakes. Also, shoutout to Jerome Flynn, who plays Bronn and actually has a very good voice that he has showed off in previous roles before this, and it was Bronn who introduced us to the song “The Rains Of Castamere” (the Lannister theme, and the name of the “Red Wedding” episode) prior to the Battle Of The Blackwater in Season 2. Anyway, one of the Sand Snakes asks if he thinks they’re beautiful and he’s like, nah, but then he starts bleeding from the nose, while she starts opening her robe. I had heard this last week on a few podcasts, people were wondering if the dagger Bronn was cut with was poisoned because that was a specialty of Oberyn. They were right as he passes out and the only antidote was in a vial that was held by this Sand Snake, who is now just teasing Bronn and wants him to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn’t like this at first, but she’s exerting her power over Bronn, who drinks the antidote and like, shit, that was close.
-Lady O meets Littlefinger at his trashed brothel, and she cuts right to the chase, saying that they’re now together because of the Joffrey plot (I think this is the first time they explicitly say it). She wants to know what his objective is, and Littlefinger gives her a little, but not all of it, and that he has a gift for her.
-At the fighting pits, the man who bought them gives a pep talk and introduces them to Dany, who is not here for any of this shit at all and wants to leave early, but Loraq says the people might take offense to it. Jorah sees her, gets his mask and runs into the ring like Hulk Hogan during a battle royal, wreckin’ shop. He kicks everyone’s asses while Tyrion is still in the back in chains, and a huge man cuts his chains so he can be free. Outside, Jorah takes off his mask to show himself to Dany, who is like, GET THIS MUFUCKA OUTTA MY SIGHT and I’m surprised she doesn’t order his death right there. However, he says he brought her a gift and out walks the imp to proclaim that he is the gift, and his name is Tyrion Lannister. I should have apologized to my neighbors, because I may have stood up and started cheering like it was a basketball game. I’ve been waiting for this since I found out it was even an option, and here is my reasoning for them being the leaders for the Iron Throne race (from a conversation with a friend):
“Dany has the army and she has dragons, but she has no idea how to lead and neither do the people around her and they have no idea what to do about King’s Landing, but Tyrion has grown up watching the game, both politically and militarily, and he did a damn good job when he was the King’s Hand”.
I’m not sure if this is how it will turn out, and stubborn-ass Dany has to first listen to what Tyrion has to say, but this scene pretty much made me forget about everything else that has happened this season.
-Cersei visits Margaery in her cell, and it’s so fucking petty. She says she doesn’t look like she has been eating and gives Margaery her leftovers, and that she’s tryna help, but Margaery is like, bitch you lyin’, you did this and throws stew at her, telling her to get out. Cersei walks out with that smirking smile that she has on in 70% of her scenes. Cersei always looks like she’s on the verge of laughing in your face.
-However, that turned into a frown quickly as Cersei visited the High Sparrow, who tells her about a young man who came to him a mess, but he told some stories that lifted the weight off his shoulders, and some of those stories involved her….and of course, it’s her cousin Lancel, who has ALL SORTS of dirt on Cersei, who tries to run away, but is stopped by guards. The High Sparrow is joined by Lancel and has a really creepy look on his face, while Cersei hits that “I’M THE QUEEN” joint that Margaery yelled as she was being taken away, and she tells the female guard to remember her face as it’s the last one that she’ll see before she dies. Man, like Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips always says, people who try to dance before they score the touchdown ALWAYS get burned in Game Of Thrones, and this is what happened to Cersei. The risk of premature partyin’, my friends.
-Littlefinger told Lady O he had a gift for her. Is Lancel the gift, or this entire situation? Either way, he had something to do with this.
Now, all I want next week is more Tyrion/Dany stuff, I assume we’ll get some Arya stuff, Tommen’s gon’ be lookin’ around like, uh, where did my wife and mother go, Melisandre will be plotting on how to get Shireen’s blood (does she need just a little blood or, like, for her to actually die?), someone gotta run up and save Sansa for fuck sakes….oh, and as terrible as Winterfell and Castle Black looked, winter HAS to be here by now, right?
Alright, Game Of Thrones, you have my full and undivided attention again. Let’s go.