Season 5 of Game Of Thrones has been a tale of two halves. The first half was slow and I had resigned myself to being underwhelmed. Then the Sansa rape happened and people were ready to throw it in the bushes. Then last week happened, we got Dany and Tyrion finally meeting and Cersei biting off more than she could chew, which perked things up. Then there was “Hardhome”, and I had my phone turned off at work. I turned that joint on and there was four texts on there like, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS NOW. Y’all were right. Let’s go…..
-We open with Tyrion and Jorah standing before a stern-faced Dany, who asks why she should have him in her circle, and Tyrion flips it like, you might not even deserve to get my advice, which is 100% correct. He doesn’t even flinch when she says he could go back to the fighting pits, nor does he step back when Dany asks why she shouldn’t kill him for what the Lannisters did to her family, but Tyrion says that he killed his mother and father and he is the best Lannister killer of the era. Dany does not want a battle of wits with Tyrion, who then tells the story of her birth, and you have to remember, his biggest weapon is his brain, so it isn’t surprising that he knows all of her history. He then says that “killing and politics aren’t the same thing” and that he was a good King’s Hand, both true statements. So Dany asks what she should do with Jorah, and Tyrion talks him up and even says, “I think he is in love with you” and Jorah shoots him a look like, YO, IXNAY ON THE OVELAY. That being said, Tyrion advises her to let Jorah go, although she wanted to kill him. That was a bit of a surprise, but that betrayal is a lot to overcome, for now anyway.
-Cersei looks WAY worse than Margaery did in her cell, and one of the Silent Sisters comes to bribe her with food, but she has to confess for her judges (I assume incest and some other shit are in there), but Cersei, being a smartass, reiterates that her face will be the last that the woman sees before she dies, and gets hit in the face with a spoon. She holds on until the Silent Sister leaves and then Cersei breaks down, and I have no idea why, but I feel bad for her, even though she isn’t deserving of it at all. Don’t even ask me to explain it. And I have the feeling it’s only gon’ get worse for Mrs. Cersei Lannister Baratheon.
-Arya is practicing her story for Jaqen, and her name is now Lana, who is going to spy on some dude who has a feenin’ for clams and cockles (whatever the hell that is). She tells Jaqen what she has to do (directions to the place), and he hits her when she screws up, which sounds about right. The man that Jaqen wants her to spy on seems mad unsavory, apparently he is a gambler and he wants Arya to poison him, which is cool with her because she’s all about killing people who deserve it. She leaves and the Waif comes in, lookin’ sour as hell, saying Arya isn’t ready for this mission, and Jaqen says that whether she is or not, doesn’t matter to the Many Faced God, so basically, he is on some “if she dies, she dies” shit. I hate this fake-deep actin’ dude, always talking in riddles. Bitch, just tell me what you want me to do, give me my black belt and lemme the fuck outta here.
-Cersei gets a visit from Qyburn, who I think I called Qybush in an earlier recap, and he hasn’t heard from Jaime (although I don’t think he knows he is locked up) and Tommen won’t see anyone, while her uncle Kevan is returning to be the Hand of the King, which isn’t good for Cersei since he left because of her. We get the charges against Cersei: fornication, incest and treason, along with the murder of Robert Baratheon, and Qyburn pleads with her to confess, but she says that he wouldn’t even be here without her, so fuck him, at which point the Silent Sister comes in and Qyburn leaves, saying the work continues. I assume he is still trying to get outta there, and that might have to do with trying to Frankenstein the Mountain back to life.
-Theon/Reek brings Sansa some food, but she isn’t really here for it, she’s pissed about him ratting her out, like, FURIOUS, which she should be. I think she finally sees just how brainwashed Ramsey has him, but she doesn’t care because she said she would do the same thing because she doesn’t have a family anymore….or does she? He confesses a buncha shit, but as Sansa continues to yell at him, Theon/Reek is like, IT WASN’T BRAN AND RICKON and Sansa is like, WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRD? So, going into this season, Sansa thought she was the only Stark alive. Now, she knows that Bran and Rickon are still somewhere, Jon Snow is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and Brienne told her Arya was still alive, if I’m not mistaken. So now, Sansa has some fight in her and the end goal has changed (shoutout to my homegirl Jamie for that line) and I gotta say, Sophie Turner might be in the lead for Season 5 MVP.
-Next are the Boltons and their war plans, which are to wait for them, but Ramsey, of course, is all, gimme 20 good men and I’ll get them before they get here. I don’t know if you know this, but Ramsey Bolton is a motherfucking lunatic.
-Tyrion and Dany are getting to know each other better, and Tyrion FINALLY gets his wine; honestly, I could watch an entire episode of this. Tyrion drinking and telling Dany what she has been missing on the other side of the sea. They both realize that their fathers weren’t shit, and that he needs more wine, because, Tyrion. He also doesn’t back down from Dany’s threats about killing him, which is great because Dany has never had anyone who has stood up to her like this. Dany decides to take him on as an advisor (not before taking the wine from him), as he can help her get the Iron Throne and he suggests staying in Meereen, where she could do the most good, but she wants to go home. Tyrion is like, um, the Targaryen name holds no weight there anymore, the Starks are all gone, Jaime and Cersei won’t give her any Lannister help (not that she wants it anyway), and Stannis won’t back her, either, which leaves the Tyrells. But Dany says that all the names are just spokes on a wheel, and she doesn’t want to stop the wheel: she wants to break the wheel. This reminds me of what she said in Season 4, “I will do as queens do: I will rule“. Give me one full episode of Peter Dinklage and Emilia Clarke before this is all over, and I’m good.
-Jorah shows up to see the slaver that let him fight in the pits, and offers to be his property if he lets him fight before Dany once again. He certainly doesn’t take no for an answer. Oh, and I forgot to say this earlier: when Jorah left the city again, he looked at the patch of greyscale on his wrist and looked up. I have two theories for that: one, he was looking up at Dany’s chambers. Two, he was looking up to see if he saw a dragon because there was a squawking noise immediately afterwards. Remember, dat ‘scale makes a mufucka go crazy.
-The Silent Sister comes back again with water, and Cersei again drops some bars, saying she’s going to get her in the worst way imaginable, and the woman pours the water on the floor, so of course, Cersei gets down there and starts sucking it up. She’ll probably get the cold sore from hell from that, and that’s probably the least of her worries.
-Gilly is tending to Sam, and she is scared, but Ollie comes in with some food and asks Sam if he really thinks that Jon is doing the right thing. Sam is like, I get it, but I’ve seen the White Walkers and dogg, you don’t understand how real it’ll get in these streets. The slaughter that the Thenns and wildlings put on Ollie’s village, that ain’t shit on what the White Walkers are capable of (FORESHADOWING). He also says to Ollie not to worry about Jon, as he always comes back.
-So, here we go, and I’ma try to be as brief as possible about this because it’s the last 30 minutes of the episode, and I could spend 3,000 words on this battle. Jon and Tormund roll up to Hardhome, whose leader calls Tormund a traitor for being with a crow (member of the Night’s Watch), and Tormund kills him to be like, I tried to be fucking nice, let’s talk. They all get together and Jon tells them that they aren’t friends, but if they want even a chance ot beating the White Walkers, they all have to be allies. Things almost get outta hand when Jon admits to killing Mance Rayder, but Tormund says it was out of mercy beause Stannis wanted him to burn. After a minute, they decide on going south of the Wall, but the Thenns aren’t happy about it, which sounds about right because they’re pricks.
-They start loading everyone up, including the female wilding leader who says, “I fucking hate Thenns” during the meeting, and she puts her two daughters on a boat without her, and instantly I was like, well, she’s dying. We also see a Giant named Wun Wun, who asks one of Jon’s boys, “The fuck you lookin’ at?”, which is pretty good. Then you hear the dogs barking and something going on in the distance, and man, those wights hit Hardhome fast as shit. Mufuckas are trying to hold them off and keep them outside of their wall, but it’s moot after a while as they get through and the massacre is on. Jon and his crew join the fight and Jon comes face-to-face with one of the older White Walkers, who looks like he looks at Sam at the end of Season 2 as the Army of the Dead is marching. He fucks up the main Thenn with ease and starts fuckin’ up Jon, and this is one of at least three times I genuinely though Jon was about to die, because it’s Game Of Thrones and everyone dies. But then Jon, who failed to find the dragonglass he brought as a peace offering because we know that kills White Walkers, he stabs him with his sword and he disintegrates, so now we know that Valeryian steel also kills them and Jon looks down like, well, THAT came in handy. Also, I had half a mind to think that Ghost, the direwolf, would show up to the fight because, well, do you have a reason why he couldn’t? Thought not.
-Then we go back to that female wildling, who sees a gang of wight children and she can’t bear to kill them, but they have no hesitation in fuckin’ her life up from her head to her feet. Meanwhile, Jon, Tormund, some other Night’s Watch dude and the Giant start running for a boat to peace the fuck out, and I honestly thought the Giant was gon’ get overrun, but he threw the remaining wights off him and caught up to them out in the water. But Jon notices another White Walker on a horse up on a cliff (we see him one other time during this battle), and it’s the one that turned one of Craster’s babies into a wight in Season 4. He is apparently called the Night’s King, and there are a few stories about him, we heard Old Nan tell Bran a story about him in Season 1, or it was the first book, I can’t remember, but Bran did see him in a flashback in Season 2 (the vision was of the Night’s King picking up that baby).
-Anyway, Jon and the Night’s King stare at each and the Night’s King starts to raise his arms….and all of the dead wildlings they slaughtered came back to life with blue eyes. Jon is like, OH FOR FUCK SAKES, as they’re sailing away. It is eerily quiet as the episode ends. So yeah, just a friendly reminder that all this battling for the Iron Throne and whatever, all that shit is relevant if the Army of the Dead can get down there.
-So, I have a few questions, really, only two: can wights/White Walkers swim? Do they need water wings? They stopped pretty quickly when Jon and ’em got in the water. Two, how does it work for them going south? I suppose they still have to get past, you know, the giant fucking Wall that the Night’s Watch will be behind, but I mean, the wildlings almost did it. Will they melt as it gets warmer? SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WHITE WALKERS.
Episode 9 is usually where shit gets real in Game Of Thrones, but I can’t see them going the major-battle route after this episode, which is probably in the top ten of the series so far, and I’ve seen many say it was the best, which I’ll hold off on, but even after watching it a second time, it was pretty fuckin’ good. The Dany/Tyrion stuff was as excellent as I expected, Cersei and Sansa were beasts, even Arya is coming along with the samurai training and she’s about to fuck people up. And yet, all we’re talking about is White Walker Fest 2015, which is fair because we’ve waited a smooth five seasons to be able to see what they can really do.
But I would like to make a few suggestions on people dying: Theon/Reek is my favorite at +150 (bet $100, win $150) to help Sansa get outta there, followed by Pod Da Gawd at +175 after Brienne rushes in because she ain’t seen that candle and fuck it, I’m going in anyway. I can’t see Cersei dying, but I can’t imagine things getting much better for her. I’ll put Loras (Margaery’s brother) at +300 because all these people in cells, SOMEONE gotta die. Shireen (Stannis’ daughter) is at a cautious +900 because Melisandre needs a king’s blood, dammit. I still don’t know why she needs to kill someone; get on that Penny Dreadful shit and just get a sample, good grief.
Anyway, Episode 9 is on the horizon, friends. Strap yourself in.