Game Of Thrones‘ Episode 9 is usually the one where all hell breaks loose, and Season 5’s “Dance With Dragons” leaves you with mixed feelings. Some parts were good, some parts weren’t, but it all fell under the umbrella of “hot fiya”. Let’s go…
-We open with a shot of Stannis’ camp, and Melisandre peering into some fire, as she has been known to do, and she gets an alarmed look on her face and turns to go outside, with no coat or anything on, of course, because the cold doesn’t bother her. Just then, a number of fires go up in the camp, so that is what she must have seen in the fire, but that’s a shitty warning system from the Lord of Light, who doesn’t seem to do a whole hell of a lot besides wanting people to die. Panic spreads, although the horse on fire was pretty cool to see.
-They figure out that it was a group of 20 men (Ramsey’s 20) that did it, and the guards didn’t see anything, so Stannis wants them hanged. Davos is still on his, “yo, we need to get back to Castle Black” because Ramsey proves once again that while he is insane, he isn’t a dummy. He burned the food reserves along with the weapons, which is brilliant. But Stannis isn’t hearing it, and is staring off in the distance at Melisandre and Selyse, and Davos has this, “THIS bitch” look on his face. But hey, everyone will be eating horse meat tonight, so that’s something.
-Jon Snow and what is left of the wildling army and his people get back to the Wall, and Alliser is at the top. I get why some thought he wouldn’t let them in, but one thing Alliser is, is true to the Night’s Watch and while he doesn’t agree with Jon at all, he is the Commander and what he says, goes. There is probably a breaking point though, and he says to Jon that his good heart will get them all killed as the wildlings troop through Castle Black.
-Jon also thinks his mission was a failure, but Sam tells him to look at the people he saved and he’s right, but Jon seems like that dude in high school that got an 89 on a test and was still hard on himself. Shoutout to the dudes who looked terrified of the giant, and I forgot to say this last week, I think, but Ollie gotta die, b. He’s gon’ do something stupid and get someone killed. Hopefully, himself.
-Stannis calls in Davos while he’s moving pieces around on his big-ass game of RISK, and sends him back to Castle Black for horses, weapons and food, and when Davos says that he feels like a bad Hand for leaving the King, Stannis says it is an order. Then Davos says he should take Selyse and Shireen, at the very least, Shireen, back with him and Stannis is like, NOAP. Clue #1.
-Davos goes to say bye to Shireen, who is reading the “Dance Of Dragons”, which is the fifth book in the series, A Song of Ice And Fire, and for the second week in a row, they manage to fit a book title into the show as Ramsey said he would leave “A Feast For Crows” with his ambush of Stannis. It’s a book about the history of the Targaryens and he gives her a carved deer that he made, which comes off as difficult because he has no fingers on one hand, but it is what it is. He says goodbye to her and thanks her for teaching him to read, and she’s so happy. This is no good.
-Jaime is called by Prince Doran,who asks him why he is there, and Jaime is like, I’m here to get my daught…..er, niece, and he tells Doran about the necklace in the snake’s mouth that was sent to King’s Landing, so now everyone knows that Ellaria was behind it and she doesn’t even try to hide it. She was so petty during this meeting, when Doran proposed a toast to keeping the peace with the Throne, she poured her wine on the ground. She gives all sorts of sideeye to the Prince before storming out and he’s like, I’ll take care of her later. But he tells Jaime that he is sending him back to the capital with Myrcella and Trystane, who is to take Oberyn’s spot on some council. Then Bronn is brought in and he is going with them, but for punching Trystane in the face when they were caught, his bodyguard gets to return the favor, so all square.
-Oh, before Bronn was picked up, the Sand Snakes are having a slapfight (you know that stupid game kids play where they have to slap each other’s hands before the person moves it. Never played it. It’s fucking stupid.) in their cell and when Bronn is led out, the one that showed him the goods asked him to tell her she’s the most beautiful woman in the world again, and he does because he doesn’t want to get poisoned again. Also, her sister calls her a slut, so she must do this often. These Sand Snakes have been mad underwhelming; they ain’t got shit on the Nightcomers from Penny Dreadful (seriously, watch it, comes on Showtime right after Game Of Thrones, it’s fucking great).
-Arya is out on her hit mission and finds the gambler she is to poison, but then Mace Tyrell shows up with Meryn Trant, who is on her kill list and she throws that entire mission in the bushes. Can we talk about how terrible of a spy Arya is? She does all kinds of fuck shit during this scene. She follows them about as blatantly as you can, looking Meryn Trant in the face long enough for him to be like, I know this little girl. I don’t know how she not only gets into the brothel with a tray of seafood, but manages to get all the way to the VIP section, where Meryn is going through various prostitutes and she is eventually shooed out by the Madam, but again, he’s looking at her like he recognizes her. This was a mess from start to finish. When she gets back to the House of B&W, she tells Jaqen that the man wasn’t hungry, but he knows she’s lying. This whole “Arya as a spy” storyline should be so much better than it is.
-Meryn, Lord Jesus, how young do you want them, bruh? The prostitute he picked couldn’t have been any more than 12. And he is STILL not even close to the worst person in the episode. Because, Game Of Thrones.
-Back in Dorne, Ellaria is made to kiss Doran’s ring or else lose her life, in front of her daughters and she does it. Are we not gon’ talk about how this could have all been avoided if Oberyn wasn’t partyin’ on the Mountain? Jeez. Then she goes to see Jaime, who is tryna write left-handed, and she asks him how long he has loved…Cersei. She says that if they were in Dorne, no one would say anything about it, and I was talking to someone who pointed out that she called Oberyn “cousin” when they were in King’s Landing. Funny how having your life threatened makes you soften your stances on things a little bit. Also, this can’t look good for Cersei if random people who just showed up in King’s Landing can see that her and Jaime have a thing going.
-Shireen is telling Stannis all about the “Dance of Dragons” story and he asks her about choosing sides, and she replies that choosing sides is what got the Targaryens into this mess in the first place. He says that sometimes, you have to make choices to fulfill your destiny and Shireen is like, I wanna help and when she hits that “I AM PRINCESS SHIREEN OF HOUSE BARATHEON”, that’s when it hit the three of us watching it: he’s about to sacrifice Shireen. No. Motherfucker, NO.
-Guards are leading her outside and she’s looking around like, what is going on, until she sees Melisandre and the pyre and she’s like, FUCK THIS. So much happens in this scene, from Stannis’ soldiers looking at Melisandre like, BITCH, REALLY? to Stannis realizing just how ain’t shit this is to Selyse finally deciding to step up and be a good mother as her daughter is being burned at the stake. Everyone here can go to hell. Everyone. Stannis, you are no longer the best father on television. Bitch-ass mufucka can’t even look at the burning, but YOU DID THAT. How did you fuck up a good thing so much that I’m now cheering for Ramsey to come through and flay you and all your peoples? HOW?
-When Davos gets back? OOOOOOOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. He’ll probably die tryna kill Melisandre, but he’ll give it a go. He knew something was up when he left.
-The fighting pits are open in Meereen, and all the fighters are saying they’ll die for Dany, who is all, I don’t even want that, but she has to clap her hands to start the fighting. Loraq is tryna explain to her the customs of the pits, while Daario is tryna chime in with his two cents and Tyrion is lookin’ at both of them like, y’all mufuckas serious fighting over Dany right now? Anyway, he isn’t really feeling it, but we do get a cool beheading with the headless body slumping to the ground. So then, of course, with the next round of fighters, Jorah is brought out in front of Dany, and there is a lot going on here. Dany is like, are you fuckin’ kidding me? Daario is like, oh for fuck sakes. Tyrion is like, MY MUFUCKIN’ MAN RIGHT THERE. Dany’s eyes were big as shit, but she composes herself and starts the fighting. Jorah suffers a couple of close calls, of course, but never did I think he was going to die….not yet. Also, after watching “Hardhome” last week, the fight scenes looked kinda clunky, better than the Sand Snakes vs. Jaime and Bronn in “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken“, but not even close to “Hardhome“, but it is what it is.
-So, Jorah survives all the fights while Dany is doing a terrible job of not acting like she isn’t relieved, and then Jorah throws a spear just past her…..in the chest of a Son of the Harpy, who was about to try and assassinate her. Just then, the Sons randomly start rising up throughout the crowd, killing any and everyone in their path, although the mission is to get to Dany and Daario instructs everyone to protect the Queen. These fights actually looked better than the ones in the pits, go figure. Jorah runs up to fight with Daario, who wants to kill him so bad, but decides they should figure this out if they get out alive. I thought Loraq was leading the Sons at one point, but like, three dudes stab the shit outta him, so there goes that. Dany takes Jorah’s hand and runs to the middle of the pit, while Tyrion takes Missandei with him and even kills a Son; shoutout to Tyrion kickin’ a few asses this season.
-Our group gets surrounded in the middle of the pits, and Daario is like, LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and fights a few off, as do Jorah and the rest of the Unsullied, who have a couple of their soldiers die and they seem to be outnumbered. Then Dany takes Missandei’s hand and closes her eyes, and we hear a SQUAWK……everyone looks up and there is Drogon, big as all fucks, breathing fire. A lot of the Sons were like, YO, PEACE THE FUCK OUT. They do fight back by throwing spears at Drogon, who is biting people in half and setting fire to any Son in his path because ay yo, you fuckin’ with Moms? YOU FUCKIN’ WITH MOMS? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Tyrion’s look was just full of, well, ain’t this some shit, she really got some mufuckin’ dragons.
-Dany sees Drogon getting hit with spears and pulls one out, and Drogon screams on her before he realizes, oh shit, sorry Moms and she’s like, that’s okay, baby. Then she looks around kinda like, lemme try this, and gets on his back, and tells him to fly in Valeryian, I would assume, and he gets a running start and gets up pretty quickly. Meanwhile, while everyone is looking on amazement, Tyrion is like, so you comin’ back for us or what?
-You know, I saw a few people talkin’ about how the dragon didn’t add much to the episode. Such foolishness. Drogon came through, saved the day, ate a buncha people, set them on fire and then Dany rode off in the sky on a fuckin’ dragon, which is something we’ve wanted to see for five seasons. People ain’t shit, bruh. Dragons can add a solid point or two to how good an episode is.
-SHE RODE OFF IN THE SKY ON A MUFUCKIN’ DRAGON. AND SHE STILL HAS TWO LEFT. WHO WANTS SOME?
All in all, in the Episode 9 pantheon, this was probably the worst because I mean, it goes up against Ned Stark in Season 1, followed by the Battle of Blackwater, the Red Wedding and the Battle at the Wall. Maybe this should have been Episode 8, and last week should have been Episode 9, but really, I don’t care. Just make good episodes and while this wasn’t the best episode of Game Of Thrones, the stuff with Shireen and Drogon pushes it over the top.
Next week, we get the finale and while I haven’t seen a preview, I assume we’re getting Cersei’s trial, and probably Margaery and Loras as well. We’ll definitely see Sansa, which probably means Ramsey and Theon/Reek, maybe a little Brienne and Pod da Gawd, and there will be at least one Dany scene, because Game Of Thrones can’t have a finale without Ms. Stormborn. But the spotlight will be on Cersei if I had to wager a guess, and I’m here for it. Let’s do this.