Monthly Archives: October 2015

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E4 – Devil’s Night

What would American Horror Story be without their annual Halloween madness? Hotel continues the trend with “Devil’s Night”, which is straightforward and to the point. But before we go further, let’s rank the past four Halloween AHS joints

  1. Asylum –  Asylum was still ascending when they hit “Nor’Easter”, which was the third episode of the season. Lily Rabe starts to become her crazed-nun character, while Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters run into some shit in the woods and Chloe Sevigny gets her legs cut off. I REALLY need to re-watch Asylum. Those last 4-5 episodes were trash, tho.

2.  Murder House – A two-part episode called “Halloween”, because fuck tryna think of a name.        A dead doctor tries to sew animal parts on his dismembered child, while “pretty girl” Jamie          Brewer gets hit by a car and dies. Dylan McDermott’s side piece (Kate Mara) comes back to          life, and Jessica Lange reveals that Evan Peters was really her dead son, to the surprise of            Taissa Farmiga. It’s here where you were like, “Oh. So this is what AHS is all about. Fuckery.”

3. Freak Show – The Edward Mordrake joints, dude who killed people because a face on the back     of his head told him to. But really, the best parts were the backstories for Kathy Bates and           Twisty The Clown.

4.  Coven – Another two-parter, Evan Peters kills his molestful mother, we get Gaby Sidibe vs. the     Minotaur, Lily Rabe shows up to bring Frances Conroy back to life, the witches vs. voodoo war     kicks off, there is a zombie party and Sarah Paulson goes blind. Minotaurs are in last place.         Welcome to American Horror Story.

Let’s go………..

-We open with a dude bursting through the front door of the Hotel Cortez, and we learn that it is Richard Ramirez, who has a standing invitation for Devil’s Night, and he wishes that Charlie could join them…..yep, Charles Manson, who is somehow still alive. I learned, via our weekly viewing crew, that Richard Ramirez was a serial killer known as the Night Stalker, and he did his work in Los Angeles and San Francisco. If nothing else, Ryan Murphy and crew love to take historical shit and build their series around it. Liz takes him to his room, and he has a gift waiting for him: it is a sleeping couple, who he, of course, brutally kills. Well, he kills the man, but the woman gets away and runs into James March, and she thought he was gon’ save her. NOAP. So March is hosting serial-killer parties on Halloween. Sounds about right.

-John gets a call from Scarlett, who is at her grandmother’s and she doesn’t really wanna go trick-or-treating, which is fair. John is like, yeah, that’s cool, I should probably go though because there is blood pouring from the ceiling. Well, he doesn’t tell her that, but there is blood pouring from the ceiling, all over his diagrams of the Ten Commandments Killer, who really isn’t even a storyline, but we came up with some theories about that, which I’ll get to at the end.

-John goes upstairs and knocks on a door to a room, where Miss Evers is tryna get out stains, because that is what she does….however, this stain keeps reappearing, which makes the job pretty damn difficult. She lets John in and proceeds to go into her backstory, which also involves her losing her child, Albert, who I bet we’ll see again at some point. He was literally right behind her when he got snatched up by some perv and taken to a farm, where he is presumably killed. She tells him all this, and John is like, so someone else gets it, and she gets all worked up about the night’s party before leaving. But John, being a good cop, doesn’t ask her about the blood, which he even sees in the bathroom, and he’s just like, well, chalk it up to the game. Our viewing party isn’t feeling John. He’s kinda the worst. Just MEH.

-Alex has taken Holden home and she takes his temperature, which is at 75, but nah, he’s not cold. The dog is frightened, so Alex puts it in the bathroom and then Holden says he is thirsty, so she goes into the kitchen to pour them some juice. She starts to cry in the kitchen, but shit only gets worse when she returns to the living room, and as soon as I saw the dog, I was like, Holden’s gon’ eat that mufucka. Guess what? Holden ATE that mufucka and has the nerve to say he isn’t feeling well. Between this and Fear The Walking Dead, it hasn’t been a good TV year for dogs. He also says that he wants his other mommy, which is a kick in the junk for Alex.

-John does a little bit of research to find that the murders that Miss Evers were talking about are the Wineville murders, which happened 85 years ago and they had to change the name of the town. YOOOOOO……85 YEARS, DOGG. WHY ARE YOU STILL STAYING THERE? This also happened in real life. There is a lot of background research this season.

-Alex takes Holden back to the hotel, where he decides that he needs to nap in his coffin, and Alex is like, the fuck is going on? There, she runs into Elizabeth, looking elgantly ghoulish as Lady Gaga tends to do in real life anyway. Elizabeth says she saves children from neglect and Alex says that Holden wasn’t neglected, but Elizabeth might have been talking about John, who went to answer Alex’s call and she probably kept him on the line over some bullshit, which is when Elizabeth snatched him up. Elizabeth explains that Holden has a virus and if Alex has it, she can spend eternity with Holden, and then Alex pulls out a gun, but Elizabeth looks at her like she ain’t shook. Then Tristan walks in and punches the absolute shit outta Alex, who gets up like she has taken a punch before, and Elizabeth tells him to let her go, and she leaves. Tristan then wonders if Elizabeth is banging Alex, too. Oh, that’s coming, my friend.

-John goes to the bar and is like, you know what, give me a double martini, dammit,. Of course, on the night John decides to start drinking again, in walks Aileen Wournos, played by Lily Rabe, and if you don’t know, I fucking love her. She was the best part of Asylum as Sister Mary Eunice, and of course, as Misty the Stevie Nicks impersonator in Coven. Anyway, you might know Aileen Wournos from Monster, which earned Charlize Theron an Oscar for Best Actreess, and she is probably the best-known female serial killer in history. They did some good makeup work to make this happen, and Lily Rabe is fucking awesome; that hair flip is everything. Anyway, John thinks it’s a costume, while Liz is lookin’ at all this like, you dumb mufucka, and he takes Aileen up to his room. He gets knocked out and tied to a chair, but he manages to punch and subdue her, and I don’t know how it happened because he’s not very bright. He handcuffs her in the bathroom and looks at her license, which says her name, and heads down to the lobby, where he reads the names of the killers in the guest book. Liz even tells him what’s going on, and he thinks that he is gon’ arrest Aileen, but Liz is like, nah, she won’t be there. She isn’t, and he finds a bag with a suit in it on his bed as he has been invited to the party by March himself. Hmmmmmmmmm…….

-He gets to Room 78 for the party, where he finds Aileen, who apologizes and wants to sit with him, but March is a stickler and wants everyone to sit where he has them. Introductions are made, and we have Aileen, of course. There is the Zodiac Killer, who has a mask on and Richard razzes him for wearing it. John Wayne Gacy is there, played by John Carroll Lynch, who played Twisty in Freak Show, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer and Ramirez are played by actors outside of the AHS franchise, but they both do excellent jobs in their short time on screen. They were all brought together by March, who gave them tips on how to kill, but they usually went astray and that is how they got caught. Then they drink absinthe, but it only affects Lowe, because well, he is human, and he gets handcuffed to a chair. At some point, he pointed to his gun, and we all laughed. Silly mufucka, you.

-Miss Evers serves dinner and Richard starts dancing with Aileen, and it’s trippy as hell, but it works. Dahmer starts doing work on a drugged out dude because that was his thing in real life, and John goes to shoot him, but yo……they’re fuckin’ ghosts, b. Meanwhile, Dahmer has perked up after they brought him out a salad, and he obviously doesn’t eat that shit, and March pats him on the head. Man, I can’t stress how good Evan Peters is this season. By far his best performance in AHS and it isn’t even close.

-While this is going on, Sally is outside with a guy she just met, and he wants to party, so she takes him and gets him all jacked on the heroin. Little does he know, he is dessert for the killer party, in return for March letting Sally live here for another year. Also, Dahmer has drilled a hole into his victim’s head and put acid in there to make him, like a zombie and I don’t know, is this so he tastes better later? Dahmer was about that cannibal life, and I read more about him when I was younger than I care to admit. Serial killers fascinate me. I’m always curious as to what makes a mufucka just SNAP. Anyway, Miss Evers brings out all of the knives and the killers pounce on the heroin man, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. John is freaking out, but Sally appears and convinces him it was all a hallucination because of the absinthe. She takes him away so March and ’em can finish what they’re doing, and March gives a look like he doesn’t trust John at all, which he probably shouldn’t.

-We go to Elizabeth, getting all prettied up, and then she walks int a bedroom with Alex, who has apparently decided to become a vampire. They kiss, and then Elizabeth runs her nail down her breast, and Alex takes her first drink, then re-opens her eyes. So is she a vampire now? What happened between pulling a gun out and now? I want to see her “pros and cons” list. Also, that is hopefully the last time we see Alex in a beret. Our viewing crew was quite happy to see it go, one in particular.

Ehhhhh, I’d probably put this above the Coven Halloween episode, and maybe above Freak Show, too. All those serial killers, man, that shit was like a murderers’ row, literally. So, the John theory is this: he is actually the Ten Commandments Killer, and he has done all this shit, but he blacks out for whatever reason, possibly booze, and he just hasn’t realized it yet. Why else would he be at that party? Either that, or he is going to be in training. And now, what about Scarlett? Her mother and brother are vampires, her father is either gon’ be a vampire or a serial killer, and they’re all staying at this creepy hotel? Just gon’ leave her with Grandma? I guess.

Next week, I assume we get back to the Ramona Royale revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, but fuck, it’s American Horror Story. They’ll probably had three more storylines, because American Horror Story.

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The Walking Dead S06E03 – Thank You

Only three episodes into the sixth season of The Walking Dead, there are a lot of moving parts, and a lot of things can happen. “Thank You” is a huge game-changer and it’s going to be interesting how things go moving forward. See how I did that without being a spoiler? It’s not that fucking hard. Let’s go………

-We open with Rick, Glenn, Michonne and the rest of the crew heading back to Alexandria after hearing that horn from the end of “First Time Again“, and of course, we saw what caused the horn to sound off in “JSS“. Rick is in Ricktatorship mode, telling Daryl, Sasha and Abe to continue leading their portion of the walker herd away, while he tells Glenn and Michoone that he is going to grab the RV to redirect the rest of the herd the other way. He also tells Michonne that all of the Alexandrians aren’t gon’ make it and to keep going if anyone can’t keep up, and of course, Heath, homeboy with the braids, overhears. And guess what? Rick is right. These first three episodes have been a study in the Alexandrians not getting it. But more on that later.

-And on cue, one of the Alexandrians gets grabbed by a walker and dies, and after killing the walker, Michonne stabs the guy in the head with her sword. Rick pats him down, grabs an energy bar and his gun and goes on his way, while the rest of the Alexandrians are stunned as shit. A couple things here: good on Rick, not wasting supplies. Two, these walkers aren’t smart or fast…..how in the hell are Alexandrians getting caught up like that? These mufuckas are children. Actually, I won’t even diss children like that. The horn stopped, though, so that is encouraging.

-The group rolls on before encountering more walkers, and really, Glenn and Michonne could have just hung back and handled it. But naaaaaaaaaaaah, the Alexandrians wanna get involved, one of them pulls a gun out and is shook, and ends up shooting one of his people in the leg. Nicholas freezes because he is a well-known fuckboy, and another one, David is his name, apparently, gets bitten on the shoulder. Oh, and Glenn has to carry this girl who was running and twisted her ankle. These mufuckas, bruh. I’m not saying I would be Rambo in the zombie apocalypse, but holy shit, come on, dogg. At least give yourself a chance.

-Daryl tells Abe and Sasha that he is going back to help with Alexandria and while they try to tell him to stick with the plan, Daryl doesn’t give a damn and leaves anyway. Daryl has been kinda on the fence since they got to Alexandria and really, I thought he’d just drive off by himself, away from everyone. He hasn’t been the same since Beth died. Shoot, he has probably taken it harder than Maggie. I keep saying I’ma let that slide, but I’m really not gonna.

-The group continues to walk, and David looks at his shoulder, and Michonne is like, we need to kill this mufucka SOON. He wants to see his wife one last time, but it doesn’t look promising. They get to a town and they figure out that it’s the place where Nicholas and Aiden made the run that got their people killed, so at least they know their way around. They want to stop and find some treatment for Scott’s gunshot wound, and Glenn is skeptical of stopping, but Michonne figures that they have a little time ahead of the herd. Nah, bruh. You should keep going. But Michonne is deadly with her sword, so you listen to her.

-As they’re going through the town, they run into the kid that shot Scott and ran off and well, he’s walker food now, so fuck him. Nicholas freezes again and Glenn has to make him snap out of it, and then they run into more walkers, so they run into a pet store to get away. Glenn’s plan is to get to a building and set it on fire to distract the herd, and Nicholas knows just the place. Meanwhile, Heath makes a couple smart remarks and Michonne looks at him like, the fuck did you say? She also offers to go because Glenn has Maggie, but he says that is why he is doing it. Oh Lawd.

-Glenn radios his plan to Rick, who is sprinting down the road and man, his stamina is incredible. He then runs into three walkers, who stop eating and while Glenn is telling him the plan, Rick kills all of them. But he looks at his hand like he has arthritis or something, and I vaguely remember something about his hand bothering him from the past.

-Annie and Scott basically tell the rest of the group to leave them behind, but Heath isn’t having it and gives Michonne a dirty look and oooooooooh, buddy….you don’t wanna do this. Michonne runs up on him like Ice Cube in Boyz N The Hood on some “WE GOT A PROBLEM, HERE” shit and Heath tells her that he overheard what Rick said. Michonne basically tells him that he has no idea what it’s like outchea in these streets, and his little supply runs don’t mean shit. Rick has been out here surviving, she has been out here surviving, and that Heath has never been covered in so much blood, you don’t know if it’s yours, the walkers and your friends. Basically, you don’t have a choice how you get to live this life anymore. You do what you gotta do or you die…..Glenn told him that in the first episode. Heath gotta die, bruh. I DARE him to go at Michonne; she would light his ass up.

-Glenn and Nicholas are wandering around, and they come across a walker that Nicholas recognizes as someone from his ill-fated run with Aiden, and it takes him a while, but he manages to suck it up and kill it. Then they hear gunshots coming from Alexandria, so yo, they gotta be close.

-The group is in the pet store, tryna figure out a way to get out while Rick gets to the RV. In the pet store, David is writing a goodbye note to his wife, but Michonne won’t take it as she writes on her hand that he is getting home. They’re tryna be quiet because quite a herd of walkers are walking past the store, and then, a couple of walkers that are inside the store start banging on a door, so they have to kill them. However, the walkers outside hear the noise and they start coming, so they have to get out NOW.

-So they rush out of the pet store and start to run away, but Annie falls, as she is prone to do apparently, and gets eaten. Glenn and Nicholas get to the store that Nicholas suggested they burn, but it has already been burned, so they need a Plan B and of course, Nicholas freezes AGAIN. Glenn, man….just kill this dude, he don’t even wanna live. But they continue on, while the other group get to a gate that they all have to climb, one by one, and Michonne and David are the last two. The walkers are getting closer and get their hands on the pair, while Glenn and Nicholas are trapped in an alley and they get up on a dumpster. Michonne gets away of course, but yeah….not David. Not even close. He was gon’ die anyway. These things happen.

-Nicholas is looking around at these walkers and instead of tryna figure out a way to get out of it, he shoots himself in the head in front of Glenn, who tries to catch his body….but Glenn falls over with the body and yeah……death pool win for me. I called Glenn dying this season because, here is the thing: you CAN’T be a nice guy in the zombie apocalypse. You just can’t. I mean, you can, but you won’t last. I’m surprised Glenn lasted this long, to be honest. But this could have been avoided a few ways. Glenn could have killed Nicholas like, 14 times. Why did Glenn even try to catch the body? He could have just let it drop and let them feast on Nicholas, and maybe gotten away another way. Not likely because there was a BUNCH of walkers, but it was stupid the way that he died. Anyway, I watched it once. The second time through, I had to fast-forward. Bye, Pizza Boy. You were a good dude.

-Michonne, Heath and Scott limp through the woods and as they cross a creek, Heath sees that he is covered in blood and he gets what Michonne is talking about. Yeah, dogg….it gets tres fucking real in these streets, so stop bitching about what choices you think you have the right to make. Fuck yo’ rights.

-Rick stops the RV and gets to where Glenn told him to go, but Glenn isn’t responding on the radio, and he’s like, hmmmmmm. Then he tells Daryl about the plan, but Daryl is just drivin’, bruh. I don’t even know where at this point. But Rick gets jumped in the RV by a person, which turns into two people, and after a struggle, Rick shoots them both. Then he looks outside to see that there is more….and it’s the group of Wolves that Morgan let free. Rick grabs an assault rifle and just mows everyone down, and yo…..that’s how it is done now. You kill first, and ask questions later. But nnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooo……..mufuckas want to talk and negotiate. Fuck outta here, b.

-I think Daryl is going back to Abe and Sasha?

-Michonne and ’em get back to Alexandria, where she sees shit burned down and pulls out her sword because she knows something is up.

-Yeah, Daryl has rejoined Abe and Sasha to lead the herd away. Meanwhile, Rick tries to start the RV, but no luck. He better figure it out soon, though, because a herd comes out of the forest and starts to surround the RV.

Getting it spoiled for me was a letdown, but it was still a very good episode of The Walking Dead as the Alexandrians should all know how shit has to be now. Really, if Rick hadn’t come up with this plan, they would have been prepared even worse, and none of them would have survived. But now Rick has to get out of this jam (he will), I have no idea how far Daryl and ’em are from Alexandria, but they gotta get back. Next week’s preview was focused on Morgan, so we should be able to figure out why he’s on some peace shit now, and that episode will probably end with either Rick, or Michonne getting back to Alexandria.  But I’m waiting to see Maggie. First Herschel, then Beth, and now Glenn. She is going to be motherfucking LIVID. I want Nicholas to come back to life so she can fuck him up.

The Walking Dead is off to a wild and outstanding start this season. I doubt it’ll continue because there will be a lull at some point, but so far, so good.

 

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E03 – Mommy

The thing about American Horror Story is that you don’t usually know who all the major players are, and what the main storyline will be, until a few episodes into the season. The third episode of Hotel, “Mommy”, sheds a little light on John’s wife Alex, but also on the Donovan/Iris relationship and of course, we get introduced to a new character played by an old (not, like, age….she won’t track me down, dammit) favorite. Let’s go……..

-We open with Tristan, who seems like he has settled into this vampire thing, and he’s looking for March, his new homeboy. He has studied up on March, who pops up and isn’t impressed about all his information being out in these Google streets. And then Tristan tries to hit him with a high-five, and March looks at him like he’s nuts, and says, “GOOD”. You really have to see it to get the full effect. I had to hit pause, I was laughing so hard. March tells Tristan that the hotel has a bunch of hidden rooms, including the “Black Closet”, which is a dark room with a spike in it that impales a mufucka as soon as they run into the place. I’d be fine if March was the focus of the storyline and not the vampires, and maybe he will be eventually. I hope so.

-Will Drake is with Claudia and his son, taking a tour of the place when they run into Tristan. I now think that Will Drake is a descendant of Edward Mordrake from Freak Show, if they’re gon’ continue to tie seasons together. He tells Tristan that he has to leave the hotel, but he notices that the cut on his face is gone, the one Tristan made upon his retirement from the modelling business. Plans are made to tear the floor out, and Miss Evers is pressed about where she’ll clean the linens. On the low, she might be my favorite so far. She just wants a clean hotel, bruh. But Tristan said he got it, so someone gotta die.

-The kid who has the measles has gotten worse, which leads Alex to go back into her memories on being a mother. Also, I think that kid will end up at the hotel. She didn’t have the best childhood, but everything changed when Holden was born, and she admits to not even loving Scarlett that way. I was confused when she said that it was like a drug, but she kept smelling him, which I’ve heard of before. She didn’t love John as much, so when he lost Holden, whatever love she had evaporated and she gave up hope of ever finding him. She also went to a therapist and attempted to commit suicide in a tub, but John found her. The family has their own group meeting with a therapist and Alex accuses Scarlett of trying to hurt them and she’s like, dude, for real, I SEEN IT. If only John would pipe up and tell mufuckas that he saw it, but that’ll come later. Alex perks up a little when Scarlett says that he smelled like lavender, so that must have been the addictive smell.

-Claudia is in her room, tryna talk on the phone when the service cuts out, but she doesn’t think anything of it. Then she goes in the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees a flash of Rapey McDrillbit, so what does she do? Lies on the bed and tries to go to sleep. That doesn’t work out for as Gabriel pops up from the mattress, strangles her and then stabs her to death. I’m not going anywhere I can’t use my phone, bruh. That’s a hint that something isn’t right.

-John and Malik Yoba (his name is Adam, fine, I’ll use that) are investigating a new set of murders where two writers for a gossip site have had their tongues nailed to their desks, which in biblical terms, is “Thou shall not bear false witness”. As he returns to the hotel, Gabriel pops up outta nowhere, covered in blood, and asks John to help him. Like, out of thin air. Nah, fuck yo help. I don’t care that I am a cop.

-Tristan gets into Will’s room and apologizes for the whole ordeal at the fashion show and the face-cutting thing, and says that he is clean and sober. Dogg, you’ve been hangin’ with Elizabeth, no way in shit you’re sober. Will is tryna go over the blueprints for the hotel, but Tristan is tryna eat and he seduces him to the point that he goes to bite his neck, and up pops Elizabeth with the NOAP throat-slash, telling Tristan not to do it. Tristan is like, awwwww man, and Will is like, the fuck just happened?

-John takes Gabriel to the hospital, and Gabriel basically blames everything on Sally before overdosing, then he goes to Claudia’s room, but he only finds Miss Evers,and I mean….come on, bruh. How bad of a cop are you? All of these signs, shit, Iris told you all about the place, and nothing? Then, oh AND THEN, she drops a line about the Ten Commandments and then when John handcuff and takes her to the elevator, she tries to seduce him, the lights keep flickering on and off, Rapey keeps popping up and then they both disappear. BRUH. GET THE FUCK OUT, B.

-Iris tells Donovan that she has been looking up places to live, but he’s like, nah, that ain’t happening and proceeds to tear into her, saying that everything was her fault and he hates her and he may have wished death upon her as well; he said a lot of hateful shit in there. We also learn that there was a bad breakup between Iris and Donovan’s father, and it seems like she was, well, let’s just say overbearing. Iris starts to cry, and at least once per season, you remember that, oh shit, this is Kathy fuckin’ Bates actin’ on y’all punk asses. She is good at what she does.

-Donovan feeds on a junkie to get both of his fixes at the same damn time, and then he finds someone who is having car trouble, so he’s like, cool, another meal. But then he gets tasered and guess who it is? MS BASSETT BACK! She throws him in the trunk and drives off, and I get to partyin’. I love Angela Bassett. Just everything about her; she is elegant, but reeks of “I’ll fuck your whole life up if you mess with me”.

-Alex finds John at the hotel, because why not bring your whole fucking family there. She wants him to have a drink and he’s like, nah, I’m good. She’s like, oh, you should have one because here are these divorce papers, bruh. She’s done with it all, for Scarlett’s sake, and he gets his Keith Sweat on to beg her, but she seems set in her decision. Then he drops that he is seeing weird shit and is sobbing, which of course, makes her stay. Tears can change a whole ball game, yo.

-Then it is Elizabeth’s turn to put the moves on Will Drake as she rolls into his room and he’s like, you know I’m gay, right? Elizabeth can’t be bothered with that, though….she wants that neck and says something about him dying. But even though he is gay, he tries to get it poppin’ with her before Tristan walks in and is like, yo, you JUST stopped me from doing the EXACT SAME THING. But Elizabeth’s motive is money: she got trapped in the Bernie Madoff scandal, which is, to make a long story short, a Ponzi scheme that got him convicted in sent to jail in 2009. Elizabeth lost almost all of her money and wants to get it back, which means getting Will to marry her, so she can take his money. Will Drake is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a bitch to get your money taken and then killed, but then he would turn into a vampire? I guess we’ll see.

-Alex takes John to his room and finds his work on the Ten Commandments Killer, but somehow he ends up getting her back into bed, where he almost gets it in before suggesting that they have another baby and Alex is like, oh for fuck sakes. He killed that mood with the quickness and she hits him with those papers again. Cold world, dogg.

-Then she leaves the room, and runs into a bloody Claudia, who insults her clothing choices, and then she sees Holden, who calls her “Mommy”. I’m just happy for Scarlett that mufuckas might not think she is crazy anymore. But Holden is the key to John getting her back, and I don’t know how feasible that is because, well, he’s a vampire. Maybe a vampire family is in order?

-Sally gets a needle ready to give to Iris, who wants to die after what Donovan said to her, and Sally is like, I’ll do this, but dogg, you gotta leave me alone in these halls. Iris says yes, but she’ll go back on that shit in a second.

-To get rid of the heroin, Donovan is receiving dialysis from Ms. Bassett, whose name is Ramona Royale, and she explains that she was a Blaxploitation actress from the 70s; think Pam Grier (and if you don’t know who she is, for the love of God, Google her). She wanted more roles in that era, but of course, CISM. But then she meets Elizabeth and is turned into a vampire as well, and she ends up turning a rapper named Prophet Moses, which is just about the worst rap name you could ever think of. Ryan Murphy, just stay away from rap music, let Empire handle that, bruh. Anyway, Elizabeth got mad and ate all of the rapper’s entourage and then blew his head clean off, so Ramona wants revenge and thought she could use Donovan to get it, but he tells her that Elizabeth cut him off. She lets him go, but it is in the cards: Ramona and Donovan vs. Elizabeth and Tristan. Sure, I’m in for that.

-Also, this is extremely shallow, but thumbs up to Gaga and Ms. Bassett kissing. Because I’m 12 and I don’t care.

-And yes, I’ll always call her Ms. Bassett.

-Donovan goes back to the hotel and runs into Liz, who proceeds to give him shit for how he treated Iris because no matter what she did, she is his mother and no one will love him like she does, even though she did some messed-up things to try and keep him safe. Donovan realizes that he is right and goes to see her, but Sally had to put a bag over her head because apparently, Iris has a high tolerance for heroin and won’t die. Donovan slits his wrist and holds it to Iris to try and bring her back and Sally is like, well, ain’t that some poetic-justice ass shit.

I’m quite surprised on what they did with Alex’s character, because I was fully ready to not care about her, but I’m interested to see what she does now that she knows Holden is actually, well, not alive, but he is a thing. Now Donovan is dealing with Iris, then you have the vampire battle royal that is about to pop off, then March is hangin’ out with Miss Evers, Rapey McDrillbit, the Ten Commandments Killer, Scarlett…..and I bet there will be more shit added to the mix next week. If nothing else, you can’t ever say that American Horror Story is boring.

The Walking Dead S06E02 – JSS

After a solid premiere to Season 6, The Walking Dead continues with “JSS”, and AMC really could have just done a two-part joint with this, but I guess they need to stretch shit out. This episode basically went as I expected, but better, if that makes sense. Maybe it will in about 2,000-plus words. Let’s go…..

-We open with Enid, Carl’s little crush, before the outbreak with her parents, who are trying to fix a fuse or something, but some walkers are coming. Enid tries to tell them and they’re like, oh, we’ll be a minute. Next thing you know, Enid is watching her parents as a buffet. Probably tried to ask the walkers if they had AAA or some shit. So this first scene alone explains why Enid is a little messed up. She’s walking the roads, just tryna survive out here now and she stays writing “JSS” on car windows, on the ground, everywhere. So she finds a turtle, and she devours it like the walkers did to her parents, and she uses its bones to write “JSS” again, so this gotta mean something. It’s also the name of the episode, so yeah…..it’s obvious, right? Anyway, she finds Alexandria and she wants to keep walking, but she looks at the “JSS” on her arm (maybe her hand) and is like, fuck it, can’t be worse than it is out here. She’s not wrong.

-Carol is in the pantry with a few ladies, including Mrs. Neudermeyer, who is still complaining about a damn pasta maker, which really shows you how naive this group is. Carol says she’ll show her how to make pasta herself, but she has to stop smoking in her house because it’s gross. Carol is so good, bruh. Just lookin’ around like, I could kill all of you with my bare hands, not, pasta. Then she walks past Sam, who you remember from Carol threatening to tie him up and let the walkers get at him last season, and she tells him that his dad was an asshole, he deserved to die and to suck it up. Carol isn’t here to make you feel good, kid. She might make you some cookies if you stop being a punk.

-Speaking of punks, Jessie calls Ron down for a haircut because she wants to talk to him, but he sees through her plan and blames her for Pete dying, and letting Rick do it. Jessie is like, lift your arm…..but you can’t because your father beat you and was an asshole. He storms out because he knows she’s right. I get why he is mad and all, but yo…..Moms is right. Moms is ALWAYS right. Even when she’s wrong, she is ALWAYS right.

-Maggie is with Deanna, talking about making a garden and man, Deanna looks worn down (as was pointed out to me by Holly, who you might remember from the Big Brother Canada recaps), but she has been through a lot in the last….um, I don’t even know how long it has been, but I would guess a couple weeks? The timeline on this show has always been sketchy at best. Anyway, Maggie tries to get her going and she is the perfect person for this job because she lost Herschel and Beth (even though she didn’t care about Beth until she died…but that’s cool).

-Eugene and Tara meet Denise, the new surgeon, who is tryna study up on, you know, how to be a surgeon as she went to school for psychology. Eugene says something snarky like, are you sure you can do this? Bitch, you pretended to be a scientist AND you’re a coward, which you admit to in this episode and have numerous times. Yo…….shut the fuck up.

-And speaking of shutting the fuck, Father Bitchass rolls up on Carl, who sees Enid with Ron and immediately gets salty, so he gotta fight Ron at some point for a buncha different reasons. Father Bitchass wants Carl to teach him how to fight, basically, and he knows Carl is skeptical because he tried to snitch on the group. Carl is only half paying attention to him because he is focused on Enid and Ron and like, fine, bitch, I’ll teach you how to use this machete later, come by the crib. Shoutout to Holly, who texted me that Carl looked like a member of Fall Out Boy. Yo, Jessie cuts hair, Rick….use that mop to get back in her good graces. Not even good graces, she ain’t even mad you killed Pete.

-Carol is looking out the window at Mrs. Neudermeyer, who is smoking outside like Carol suggested, but out of nowhere, a dude with a machete slashes the shit outta her and Killa Carol springs into action. Them Wolves here!!!!!!

-Maggie and Deanna see a couple of the Wolves scaling the wall and Maggie also jumps into action because she is ’bout that life, while Deanna is not and is looking stunned. Carol goes to her house to tell Carl, who already has an assault rifle out, to stay and protect Judith. Jessie is getting begged by Sam not to go out and look for Ron because really, fuck Ron, but she hears something downstairs and the two of them go into a closet and latch it from the inside. Oh, and she has a gun now.

-Enid goes into Carl like there isn’t a damn riot going on outside, and she wants to say goodbye, but Carl won’t let her leave. So they sit back to back in the kitchen and Carl is on that “kill ’em all” shit. Then he says to Enid, don’t say goodbye and she’s like, I won’t, which means she’s just pretty peacin’ out. He asked for it.

-A few things are happening at once. The Wolves are just crushing the Alexandrians, slaughtering everyone. Carol is runnin’ through the place and she stabs one of them in the back and head, but has to kill Erin (apparently, not important) to keep her quiet, but she has been slashed in the stomach. Spencer is up in the sniper tower, being a terrible shot, and an 18-wheeler rams into the wall. This causes the horn to blow, which is what we heard at the end of “First Time Again“. The door to the tower has also been blocked and he can’t get out, so shit ain’t lookin’ good for the dude.

-Some Holly girl gets brought into the makeshift surgery room, which means it’s go time for Denise, while Tara watches out for shit. Spencer gets out of the tower and makes it to the truck, where a walker is blocking the horn. He freezes and Morgan has to come from behind with the bow staff. Morgan asks Spencer if he’s comin’, and Spencer can’t even respond, so Morgan is like, hide. Then Morgan runs up on some big-ass Wolf, and they get ready to fight, but Killa Carol comes from behind, dressed like one of the Wolves and stabs dude in the sternum. Morgan tells Carol that he coulda stopped the Wolf without killing him, but Carol ain’t got time for that shit, and like, of course we do. And she says that the Wolves don’t have guns, but the fact that they’re comin’ in on some butcher shit, Morgan, seriously, bruh, there is no time for playin’ Kumbaya.

-Maggie and Deanna meet Spencer at the truck, and Deanna reasons that she shouldn’t go inside, she doesn’t have a gun and she doesn’t know how to fight….all fair and true points. But Spencer isn’t going anywhere, so she leaves Deanna with her son because like Deanna says, she’s just be another person that needed saving and Maggie is like, you ain’t lyin’. Meanwhile, Denise, who had said she had panic attacks in university, starts to have one and Tara tries to talk her down into saving Holly. She does, but it probably still don’t end well.

-Ron is being chased by a Wolf and Carl steps in, eventually shooting the Wolf and he tries to get the kid in the house, but Ron sees Enid there and refuses to go in. Good. Fuck ’em then. Carl tried to be a nice guy, but pride is a mufucka. He gets to his house and Jessie hears him, and runs down into a female Wolf. They fight, Jessie somehow wins and starts going to town on the Wolf, with a few unnecessary stabs that I approve of. But Ron sees her and things get weird because he doesn’t get how real this is yet. That’s twice now in like, five minutes that dude needed saving.

-Morgan has to save Father Bitchass from a Wolf while Carol goes to the armory to load up with these guns. She finds Olivia, terrified, grabs some guns, teaches Olivia briefly how to shoot a gun and tells her to shoot anyone that comes in the room. Oh, nothing good is gon’ come outta this.

-Morgan and Father Bitchass are tying up a Wolf, and things are going good and BAM, Carol walks up and shoots dude in the head and starts handin’ out guns like BITCH WE GOIN’ TO WAR. Morgan looks at her like, you are fuckin’ CRAZY. He gives his gun to Gabriel (who now has two guns), who will end up a sniper, I bet just to make me mad, while Carol grabs Maggie and is like, we got these guns. Damn, I love Carol. I never thought she would be my favorite character.

-Rosita and Aaron kill some Wolves to let you know they’re still alive, while Morgan ends up in the middle of a group of Wolves, led by the one that he let live when he made his return in Season 5. After kickin’ all of their asses, Morgan talks to that dude and the Wolves leave, but one of them takes a gun. Carol has a moment of over the body of Mrs. Neudermeyer, which is fair….Carol has done a lot of killing today, she deserves to have a small breakdown before getting on with the show. Aaron is walking down the street and after killing a Wolf, he finds his bag, which he left back when he and Daryl escaped the Wolves at the end of last season. They found the place because of Aaron’s pictures, so he’ll feel guilty about that now. Holly dies on the table, but it was all about Denise getting over her nerves, so she’ll do better next time. Tara does remind her to destroy Holly’s brain so it doesn’t reanimate, so Denise is gettin’ a crash course in this shit.

-Maggie and Deanna roll up on a burnt walker and Maggie stabs it in the head, and turns to Deanna like, no big deal, we’re good. Deanna is like, nah, but to Maggie, she knows this is just what you have to do to survive in the world of The Walking Dead. Sometimes, mufuckas gotta be killed. Just the way it goes.

-Carl finds a goodbye note from Enid, and we learn that “JSS” means “Just Survive Somehow”. That’s some basic shit. But she’s gone, so I guess that is that. That was abrupt. Carl and Ron still gotta fight, tho.

-Morgan has another fight scene and yo, Lennie James is puttin’ serious work in this episode, just brawlin’ with everyone, and he finds the other Wolf he let live in a house. They fight before they figure out who the other is, and Morgan beats him to a pulp, but doesn’t kill him, I don’t think. At the end of the episode, Morgan and Carol pass each other down the street, neither saying a word. Who knew that Morgan and Carol would end up being a thing this season? I guess, Carol is on the “kill ’em all” train in the Ricktatorship, shoot, she was the first to get it poppin’ when she killed Karen and the other dude at the prison, which set Tyrese off. So now, Carol will wait for Rick to get back and be like, yo, we might gotta take care of Morgan.

So that will be next week’s episode of The Walking Dead, Rick and ’em tryna get back to Alexandria, and I think they’re a good distance away, so they’ll have to kill their way through like, thousands of zombies to beat ’em there. That should be good. Big thumbs up to “JSS”. Got to see Enid’s backstory, but now she’s gone, apparently. Carol and Morgan were beasts, although I could have sworn that Morgan was with Rick and Michonne, how did he get back so quickly? A lot of killing without barely any walkers, so they’ll make up for that next week. Good stuff by director Jessica Lynch, who directed “Spend” from last season, the episode where Noah died. She’s great with action sequences, so hopefully we’ll see more of her this season on The Walking Dead.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E02 – Chutes And Ladders

After reminding you what life they’re about in the Season 5 premiere for American Horror Story, Hotel doesn’t take its foot off the gas with “Chutes And Ladders”, with an emphasis on “chutes” and the introduction of some old favorites. Well, one old favorite and one that might actually be good this season. Maybe. Let’s go…….

American-Horror-Story-Hotel-Chutes-and-Ladders

-We open with Sally smoking and sewing the hotel’s latest victim, Gabriel, into a mattress. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, but Gabriel is played by Max Greenfield, who plays Schmidt on New Girl, which I’m a big fan of and that’s quite the change in scenery and mood for an actor. He wakes up and tries to guilt her about lying, while she responds that he shouldn’t have tried to cheat death. There has to be more to Sally’s story and I’m ready for it. But then she hears someone yelling for help…..

-It’s Agnetha, who is getting buffeted by two of the children feeding on her wrists and when Sally goes to complain, Iris is like, it’s fine, she’ll stop eventually. She does, but then the kids say she tastes gross and Iris is like, welp, she’s dead now. So Liz, the housekeeper (Miss Evers) and Iris start the elimination process, I’ll call it, which is Miss Evers tryna clean the sheets and then dumping the body into a laundry chute, where she joins her dead friend and the thing that popped out of their mattress. Miss Evers, her story is gon’ be something else, as well. So pressed to clean the damn sheets.

-The kids are chillin’, watching TV like normal vampire children, and they’re getting blood taken, which Iris uses to fill a decanter to give to Elizabeth, and she asks about Donovan, to which Elizabeth slams the door in her face. Of course she feeds on the blood of children. Shit looks like red Kool-Aid. Anyway, she wants to go out to an art show and hunt for new blood, while he wants to stay in and watch House Of Cards. Does he not know that the third season is terrible? I might actually prefer to drink blood than watch that shit again. And shoutout to that red dress Elizabeth is wearing. That has “I’ll suck your blood written all over it”.

-Side note: I just realized I never finished recapping House Of Cards and I never will because that shit was TURRIBLE, KENNY)

-Alex, John’s wife, is at work, taking blood from a child and she tells his mother that he has the measles because she didn’t have him vaccinated. Nice way to slip that in there, I guess. It’s important, but I’m not here for American Horror Story to teach me about some shit. Leave that shit for the interviews.

-John wakes up in Room 64 at Hotel Cortez, of course at 2:25 in what looks to be the morning, and Miss Evers walks in his room talkin’ about some turndown service. If you don’t get the entire fuck outta my room at this time of night, ma’am. If you’re comin’ in here that late, you better be ready to get it. Then a couple of weird things happen very quickly. He closes his eyes and sees what Wikia calls the Addiction Demon, which is what we call Rapey McDrillbit, so that wakes him up. Then he goes to the bathroom to wash his face, but he hears something in the shower and it looks to be two dead people having sex and they invite him in for a threesome before he wakes up again. How in the hell are you going back to sleep? WHY ARE YOU STILL IN THE HOTEL? Then of course, he sees Holden again and chases him, but to no avail, but Sally, Liz and a bar just kinda pops up out of nowhere. When this dude gets raped, I won’t be upset. You brought in on yourself, bruh.

-Over a ginger ale while Sally drinks Johnnie Walker straight from the bottle, we learn that John used to be an alcoholic. On the day of his last drink, he was investigating a case where a man was mistakenly accused of killing his wife and children, but he was actually trying to keep them warm and poisoned them with carbon monoxide by accident, so he killed himself. Then he went on vacation because of stress, and that’s when he lost Holden; now he stays sober because he doesn’t want to get lost again. This dude is so tortured….but I don’t buy it yet. Certainly not enough to believe he’s just gon’ chill in this hotel. But it’s American Horror Story and I’ll get over it by next week.

-John’s partner (Malik Yoba, I don’t know if he has a name) tells him that the Bel Air couple, those of the super-glued genitals, had texts go to their phone that made it seem like they were from each other, much like the text from Alex’s phone that sent John and Scarlett to that house. But John already knew this; the killer told him that, I think. Then he gets a package from what he thinks is a bomb, but it turns out to be an Oscar, which you should remember from last week, but you’ll be reminded of where it was from later on.

-Will Drake, your man tryna buy the hotel, is apparently setting up for a fashion show where we see Liz doing the “Vogue” and throwing all sorts of shade at Claudia Bankson, who is played by Naomi Campbell, who like Malik Yoba, was on Empire. This joint is starting to be like The Walking Dead and The Wire. She says she is spending the week at the hotel, so now the countdown is on to her death, and she sees John and gives him those eyes, while he is tryna find Scarlett, who is with a cop. He is tryna take her to his room, but Will and Claudia won’t let him go and pair her off with Lachlan, Will’s son who saw Rapey McDrillbit. While this is going on, Sally is being denied entrance to the show because, I mean, LOOK AT HER, and she makes a scene. But before she leaves, she gives Scarlett a creepy look and John better keep her away from his daughter. Scarlett will have a needle in her arm by age ten. Shoot, she might anyway, but I digress.

-The fashion show is starting and Elizabeth makes a grand entrance with Donovan, and the models start to come out while Donovan inquires about John and Elizabeth kinda fawns over him. Claudia says to John that “they need some excitement and they just might get”, and just then, we get introduced to Tristan, who is played by Finn Wittrock, crushing up some sort of pill of snort. Those were some big-ass pills, b. Anyway, we all know Finn Dogg, who stole the show as Dandy in Freak Show, and he is a fucking MESS. On his little walk, he drinks someone else’s champagne and throws that shit on the ground, sneers at a buncha mufuckas, kisses someone’s woman and then slaps her dude in the face and gets pushed to the ground. He goes to pick up some glass to stab dude with, but he looks at Elizabeth in the eyes and she can smell his rage, while Donovan is like, are you fuckin’ serious? In the back, Will tries to chastise Tristan for his actions, but Tristan cuts his own face to signify the end of his modelling career. So yeah, Finn Dogg back!

-Lachlan is taking Scarlett to where the children are sleeping in their caskets, and she recognizes Holden, who opens his eyes. This might be the most intriguing storyline of Hotel right now. After the commercial break, Scarlett is watching a home video on a laptop to confirm that was her brother.

-Meanwhile, Tristan is raging around the hotel, tryna find some coke, which he can smell in Elizabeth’s room and well, he has a point. Like I said in the Fear The Walking Dead recaps, junkies be knowin’, bruh. Donovan interrupts him and when Tristan starts being an asshole, he almost gets his shit eaten, but Elizabeth stops him. Tristan peaces out, but doesn’t seem to be bothered and gets in the elevator, which takes him to a dark floor where he keeps hearing random shit. He eats someone’s sandwich and realizes there are maggots in the shit and backs into someone’s room, where of course, he starts looking for stuff, coke, pills, anything.

-Here, he meets James March, who is played by Evan Peters, who is the only person besides Sarah Paulson and Lily Rabe (yep, she’ll be in Hotel at some point) to be in all five AHS series. However, I’d wager to say that he was only good in Murder House and he might good in this joint as well. He is a proper old-school wealthy dude who has a hankering for killing people as Miss Evers brings in a tied-up prostitute, and March tries to goad Tristan into shooting her, which he can’t. But March can and does, and when he takes off his scarf, you notice that he has been cut across the throat. Miss Evers complains about the stain. She ain’t never gon’ keep this hotel clean. Anyway, Tristan runs out, but gets caught by Elizabeth in the elevator and you can only imagine what happens next.

-Scarlett is on a city bus, apparently, looking at a picture of she and Holden, and she has gone back to the hotel to find him, but his casket is empty; the other three as well. She finds him eventually and he asks what took her so long, and he says he remembers her after she asks him. She shows pictures of the family and wonders why he hasn’t aged like she has, and she wants to take him home, but he is already home, he says, and yeah, this little mufucka is dead, yo. She tries to take a selfie with him, and Holden gets hungry, so she jumps away and he’s lookin’ at her like, what’d I do? This is how we get down. She leaves to find Sally in the hallway, whose mouth is bloody and her teeth fall out. This entire sequence, but especially the scene with Holden and Scarlett, was by far my favorite of the episode.

-Scarlett goes back home as John has the police looking for her, but she evaded them once again and she isn’t having good luck at being protected by them at all. She tells John and Alex about Holden being at the hotel and John freaks out, and she tries to show them the picture, but Holden is a blur because he’s a damn vampire. But you can surely make out that it is something.

-Speaking of vampires, Tristan is getting the vampire rules from Elizabeth, while poppin’ that thang from the back as the old Roman poets used to say, and here they are: they can’t age, don’t drink diseased blood, don’t get caught and don’t fall in love. We learn that she was born in 1904 and that she loved the 70s, where I assume she picked up the coke habit, but can we just revel in the fact that she rode into the club on a mufuckin’ horse? That might be the illest entrance you could make. Mufuckas holdin’ her Rapunzel-ass hair, too. I ain’t even mad at the fact that she was eatin’ a mufucka like, two seconds later. Hatin’-ass Donovan comes in to express his disappointment, but barely gets it out before Elizabeth tells him to pack his shit and go because there is a new sheriff in town. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! He was tryna make her feel guilty, too. That shit ain’t work at all.

-John rolls up on Iris angrily and slaps handcuffs on her as an accessory to murder, and he’s mad because she “let” Scarlett roam around the hotel, but yo, why don’t you watch your child and not let her on city buses? Don’t blame Iris for you being a fuckass parent, dogg. Anyway, Iris is fed up with the whole thing and is like, I’ll tell you everything. She tells him the story of James March, who was one of the new rich, but needed somewhere to do his dirt, so he built this hotel. She says he was killing people at a rate of three a week at times, and that there is no escape from the place, which should make sense to John as he basically ran in circles tryna find Holden. Miss Evers was his faithful servant, right up until the time they met their death as the cops found bodies with his monogrammed handkerchief beside it. Miss Evers was about to kill herself, but she would be honored if she were March’s last kill, so he shot her and slit his own throat, which explains the wound on his neck. Of course, John doesn’t believe her, but then Iris tells him that his office was Room 64, which explains so much about the fuckery that goes on in this place. But he has to be skeptical at first to push the plot along and really, I believe that he doesn’t believe her, after everything that has happened to him, because he’s fucking stupid.

-Malik Yoba tells John that the blood on the Oscar belongs to the man in the pictures in the premiere, who got, ummmmm, well, as we discussed as we watched it, homeboy got “butt-effed by an Oscar”. We laughed for a good few minutes over that. Like, probably longer than we should have. I’m laughing about it right now. Anyway, John puts together that this new killer is murdering people based on the Ten Commandments, and March wasn’t a fan of religion, so this person is continuing March’s work. Malik Yoba clues in that John is staying in March’s old hotel. The cops on this show are buffoons, bruh.

-Tristan is on Grindr, which I didn’t know was a thing until this episode, and he lures a victim to the hotel, where they start making out and Elizabeth enters. The dude is like, I’m not really down for this, but it doesn’t matter because Tristan stabs him in the neck before he and Elizabeth have sex on the corpse. Good for them. Fuck him, his man bun, his beard and his suspenders. I bet he was wearing shoes with no socks, too. He deserved it.

I wasn’t quite sure what I thought of this episode, mainly because the Blue Jays game was on that day and I might have had a few drinks. But after watching it again, it was typically good stuff from AHS. The introductions of Tristan and March were extremely well done, if not bloodier than a mufucka, and that scene with Scarlett and Holden was chilling. I was like, nah, they won’t kill a child in this show, then I remembered that they killed a baby and framed Pepper for it on Freak Show, which sent her to Asylum, so that is now on the table. Donovan is mad, so he’s about to try something stupid, and Naomi Campbell gotta die as well (I also felt that way about her Empire character). Still waiting on Ms. Bassett, too. And of course, the next time we see Rapey McDrillbit, the shit won’t be a dream sequence. Just another episode in the life of American Horror Story.

The Walking Dead S06E01 – First Time Again

The Walking Dead returned for its sixth season on Sunday night with “First Time Again”, and the prevailing feeling I have about it as I write is that as much as I liked Fear The Walking Dead, and it was all fine and good, I’ll take the original, please and thank you. Not that I’m surprised, but this episode is why we’ve all continued to watch it, right? Let’s go………

-We open up at a rocky quarry and it’s funny, because I was talking to someone and was like, I wonder if we’ll see many zombies tonight? I wouldn’t have been surprised in the slightest if there was none in the episode. After a quick shot going back to when Rick killed Pete, in the quarry in present time, you have Rick standing in front of ALL OF THE ZOMBIES. Like, hundreds or thousands of them. Off in the distance, a truck that was keeping the herd at bay collapses into the quarry and Rick yells, “WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW”, and some bitch-ass dude named Carter who we’ve never seen before tries to plead with Rick, saying that they’re not ready. Here is the thing: it doesn’t matter if you’re ready. Whatever plan they’re tryna put into place, the fact is, the walkers are coming, so you better get your ass ready. Rick says as much and this Carter dude is gon’ be a problem. We never saw him in Season 5, but he helped Reg (Deanna’s late husband) build the wall. The wall that might have been backwards, but that is neither here nor there, I guess.

-While this is going on, Glenn is with Nicholas, the dude that tried to kill him multiple times last season, but Glenn let him live, and that’s why Glenn will eventually die. Nicholas is apparently on board with everything Glenn says, but I don’t believe him and I don’t think Glenn does, either.

-Also, it’s good to see AMC sinking more money into TWD. The walkers look better, the shot of the thousands of walkers from the top of the quarry was awesome…..good for them. All their other shows are about to eat, too. To use a sports analogy, TWD is the football program at, say, the University of Georgia. It brings in all of the money, and then their little swimming and tennis programs get to survive. I could go deeper into this, but y’all don’t care.

-This episode goes back and forth between the present and the past, and the past is in black and white, so in this flashback, we have Gabriel (FATHER BITCHASS BACK) walking up on Deanna, who is sitting in a pool of what we can assume is Reg’s blood after Pete killed him. Deanna says to Gabriel that he was wrong, probably for being a snitch-ass mufucka. You know what? We’re going back to Father Bitchass. He doesn’t deserve his name to be spoken. He’d still be on that rock if it wasn’t for Rick and ’em.

-Abe is carrying a body that we know is Reg’s as they show his wedding ring, and Abe is on the booze with 2Pac’s “Pour Out A Little Liquor” as his soundtrack, pouring his booze on the body. Jessie, ol’ girl that Rick was tryna get it poppin’ with before he killed her abusive husband, is tryna comfort her sons and the oldest, Ron, is being an asshole because like father, like son. Rosita and Tara are in a makeshift hospital, I guess, and I had to look it up because I forgot what happened to Tara. She got hurt during a supply run. I honestly do not remember this happening. Glenn and Nicholas come in, too, so this must be shortly after Glenn didn’t kill him. Eugene comes in too, and Tara says something about his hair. Eugene might be bringing mullets back. I’m scared.

-Carl sits down next to the little girl he was chasing last season, Enid, and I didn’t catch this on the first watch, but in the background, you see Ron in the background, being a hater. I bet he was tryna holla at Enid before Carl came along, and then Rick killed his father? Yeah, Ron ’bout to be a problem for the Grimes family.

-Rick, Morgan and Daryl, still in the past, are in a house and Morgan tells Rick that he was right, it wasn’t over, so I’m assuming that goes back a couple seasons to when they last saw each other. Rick then tells Morgan that he doesn’t take chances anymore before it cuts to Abe, drinking again, and he has Reg’s wedding ring. Shouldn’t he give that to Deanna? Then he flashes a peace sign at Sasha, who finally relents and gives him one back, but she’s lookin’ at him like, this mufucka drunk AGAIN. Abe tryna get it poppin’, tho. I ain’t mad at him. Rosita might be, tho.

-In the past, Abe and Sasha are driving down a road, while a buncha people are also running and Rick is relaying the plan via radio to everyone that was one. So the plan is to try and lead the herd away from Alexandria as far as possible, I guess. Rick tells them to keep their heads….I have written down, “one of the new people ’bout to die”. Keep that in mind.

-Daryl is on his bike in the present and it flashes back to the past, where Rick and Daryl are talking about what happened with Daryl and Aaron with the trucks and the walker with the “W” on her forehead. Daryl seems to be a little skeptical of Rick’s takeover plan, but he’ll stay down for the cause….I think.

-In the present, Sasha and Abe get to a checkpoint and Rick says, here comes a parade. Back to the past, Rick walks into a house where they have Morgan locked up on some Akon shit, and that must be what Rick meant when he said he didn’t take chances anymore. He might have been right because Morgan is gettin’ his Donatello on with his bow staff. Remember, Morgan just met back up with Rick again as he was killing Pete, so Morgan is a little wary of the new Rick. I’ve been saying that the first half of Season 6 is gon’ be Rick vs. Morgan.

-Eugene is at the gate patrolling when a car rolls up, and two dudes and a girl get out of the car. Eugene lets them in after some small-talk, and he says something to one of the brothas, Heath, who has braids, that he respects his hair game. Heath looks at him like, this mufucka tho? That face was good.

-Rick and Morgan walk up to find Father Bitchass and Tobin tryna bury Pete’s body, and Rick isn’t havin’ it. Then Deanna walks up and was like, nah, get his ass outside the safe zone, and all the while, Ron is watching as well. He gotta go. In the present, Rick, Morgan and Michonne get to their checkpoint, and Morgan starts grillin’ Michonne about a missing protein bar. Morgan better watch out.

-Oh, can we get someone with nunchuks and a pair of sais to complete the Ninja Turtle set? Come on, why not? WE NEED THESE JOKES.

-Rick and Morgan are burying Pete and Ron has followed them, but they don’t know that. Rick just wants to bury him, but Morgan says that isn’t who Rick is. Since they last saw each other, Rick has lost his wife and seen the Governor….shit done changed, bruh. That is when Rick hears something and they discover the quarry full of walkers and really, if it wasn’t for a couple of 18-wheelers, the herd would have been at Alexandria already. Then they hear Ron running through the woods, being chased by walkers, and they save his dumb ass, but he’s still tryna be a smart ass with Rick, who shoulda dropkicked his ass in the quarry. I guess, he’s still hurt about Rick killing his father, but your father was an asshole. Be there for your moms and stop being a bitch. Also, in the next scene, he looks at Rick like he’s gon’ do something. Man, sit your ass down somewhere. Anyway, he ends up burying Pete, who didn’t deserve a burial.

-In the present, Daryl is the pied piper of the walkers, leading the giant herd down the road, where he meets up with Abe and Sasha. Again, good use of money, AMC. Glenn, Nicholas and Heath are at a store, coming up with a plan and Glenn has the best line of the episode as Heath is like, “this was supposed to be a dress rehearsal”, of the plan that Rick came up with. Glenn looks at him like, “I was supposed to be delivering pizzas, man”. The Alexandria people are basically everyone in Fear The Walking Dead in that they’re not ready for this, but Glenn knows that you don’t get a choice in whether you’re ready for it or not. You gotta be ready, or you die. It’s really that simple. That’s why a buncha Alexandria people are probably gon’ die, and they’ll probably take Glenn with ’em because he’s too good for this show.

-In the past, they’re having a town-hall meeting where Rick tells them about the quarry herd and how they’re gon’ put this plan into action. Carter is fighting it because basically, he’s scared. We also see Killa Carol for the first time, and I’m psyched about it. Carter says they can do this without confronting the walkers, and Good Lord, I hate him I hate him I hate him. The actor just has this worried look on his face the entire time.

-Daryl, Abe and Sasha lead the herd to Rick, Morgan and Michonne, who are behind a wall, and that’s the plan: use noise to get the herd to follow them as far away as possible. In the past, they’re going over the blueprints for the plan and Carter is still tryna say it won’t work, but Deanna basically says, you’re either in or out, take your pick, and like the punk he is, he agrees to get in. I don’t even know why they need him. Your first round of walls were trash. Second time is a charm, I guess.

-In the past, they’re constructing said walls, Daryl is still being skeptical and Carol walks up to Rick with a glass of something. Carol is Rick’s liasion with the people of Alexandria, and she says that everyone thinks Deanna is in charge, but really, it’s Rick. Morgan introduces himself to Carol and says that she’s all watching and ready to handle shit….oh, he’ll learn about that soon enough.

-Glenn, Nicholas and Heath are getting ready to put their plan into action, and then back in the past, Maggie tells Tara about what Nicholas did to Glenn. Tara is ready to let the choppa sing, but Maggie says some shit about them being on opposite sides when Herschel was killed, but now they’re cool. Glenn’s threesome is still in play, even though he keeps tryna not make it happen. You ain’t got much time left, dogg.

-Glenn and his crew start takin’ out the walkers, and Nicholas almost gets himself killed because Glenn doesn’t trust him to do anything, but he steps up to help and Glenn lets him kill the last one. I still don’t trust this mufucka.

-Abe and Sasha are driving along, Abe notices something in the woods and jumps out of the car, and really, their whole interaction isn’t important except for one part. Abe asks Sasha if she took this part of the mission because she wants to die, because last time we saw her, she was on a suicide mission. But she seems to be okay now, and I think it’s Abe that wants to die. Abe might have jumped Glenn in my “Death List” power rankings, which is currently Abe, Glenn, Rosita, Carol and Morgan.

-In the past, Rick gives his condolences to Deanna and says she made the right call to let him kill Pete, when two walkers roll up behind Carter, and yo, there is like, maybe four or five walkers at most by the end of it, while Carter has like seven people. All them bitches freeze, yo, and Rick and ’em gotta clean it up because Carter is a punk. HOLY SHIT. PLEASE KILL THIS DUDE.

-I watched this commercial for Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462. This might be getting a bit much. AMC might mess around and turn into 47 versions of The Walking Dead.

-In the past, Eugene is getting supplies when he overhears Carter in the other room, plotting to kill Rick, but Tobin and ’em are like, nah. Poor Eugene can’t get out of his own way and drops a jar, and Carter hears him and puts a gun on him, but we all know he won’t do it. Mufucka can’t kill a walker, and he’s gon’ kill a real person? Fuck outta here. Anyway, Rick, Morgan and Daryl walk up and Rick is like, the fuck is goin’ on? He takes the gun from Carter as easily as you’d like, puts it on him and is like, y’all want war with the gawd of these here streets? Carter surely pissed himself. Daryl and Morgan are in the background like, good grief, and Daryl tells Rick to calm down. Rick is like, cool, gives him the gun, and he really should have at least punched Carter in the face.

-Back in the present, the plan is going swimmingly and Carter finally acknowledges that Rick was right and shakes his hand, and I immediately perk up because I’m like, this mufucka ’bout to DIE. He even goes off by himself ahead of the pack, where he gets grabbed by a walker who bites him square in the face, and I might have cheered. Of course, Rick kills the walker, but Carter won’t shut the fuck up, which is drawing the herd away from the road and ruining the plan, so Rick kills him and Morgan be frownin’ like shit, Michonne too. But yo, Carter was bitten, he had to go. There was really nothing else Rick could do. He woulda turned anyway.

-In the middle of this, we flash back to Rick, who is holding Judith, and he lets Morgan get his shit and bring it over to the house. They have a moment about knowing each other, and they do, but they don’t. Rick tells Morgan that he wanted to kill Carter because he’s weak and people like that can’t survive out here in these streets, and he’s completely right. Of course, that’s what makes Morgan frown at him when he eventually kills Carter, but HE GOT BIT IN THE FACE, BRUH. Mufuckas still ain’t learned. Morgan and Michonne look like they’re plottin’ too. During the speech to Morgan, I was lookin’ at Andrew Lincoln like, he might be a better actor than I give him credit for, or maybe it’s just that he is the perfect role for him.

-Rick gets supplies from Jessie and tries to talk to her, but she’s not really in the mood, even though she knows Rick was right in what he did. She also tells him that Ron ain’t tryna hear what he is saying because he’s the man that killed his father. This just came to me: I wonder if Ron tries to go after Carl to get back at Rick? He wouldn’t go after Judith because I think for all the shit we see on this show, they won’t kill Judith. Jessie also says she is now learning how to shoot a gun, which can’t end well.

-Finally, the herd is going along and the plan is for Abe, Sasha and Daryl to lead them about 20 more miles down the road. Then they hear a loud horn, which of course, perks up the walkers and they realize that it’s coming from towards Alexandria. My first thought? DEM WOLVES ARE HERE. We know they have loudspeakers because that is how they attract the walkers back into the containers where Daryl and Aaron were. And I bet they were watching the place the entire time, waiting until Rick and ’em weren’t there, and they rolled up on Alexandria, took that shit hostage (because who is gon’ stop ’em? Killa Carol and Maggie are the only real ones left back there) and are leading the herd back to the spot.

That was an excellent start to Season 6 of The Walking Dead. It set up the first half of the season personally, the Rick/Morgan situation, the Glenn/Nicholas situation, Carter died brutally, Ron is about to be a little bitch and the potential for the Wolves to step in and be like, y’all need to worry about us now. At this point, six seasons in, The Walking Dead is what it is. Like the Ricktatorship, either get down or lay down.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E01 – Checking In

The first series in the post-Jessica Lange era for American Horror Story, Hotel, kicked off on Wednesday night with the aptly-titled “Checking In”. FX has been generally pretty liberal with the show, as well as Sons Of Anarchy and even The League, in terms of what they let them get away with. Hotel takes that up a notch within 30 minutes. Let’s go…….

-We open with these two blond tourists getting out of a cab, and they don’t speak English and the countdown is on to some shit happening to them. They walk into the Hotel Cortez, and man, is this set ever beautiful. It’s really old-school, but classy, and I’m looking forward to seeing some flashbacks of what is like before mufuckas started dying there.

-Oh, did you not know that mufuckas was gon’ die in this hotel? This must be your first AHS series. Welcome. Mufuckas gon’ die in this hotel.

-They get to the check-in counter, although they do note that there is NO ONE in this giant lobby. After ringing a bell twice, they’re greeted by Iris, who is played by Kathy Bates, and in true Kathy Bates form, she is not here for their shit. They’re not getting refunds, they ain’t got no wi-fi and Iris says this place is a cell-phone dead zone, which is clue #2 to get your ass outta there.

-She takes them to their room, which is dark and shady in the first place, and when the girls ask for ice, Iris tells them it’s down the hall. They have like, two small mickeys. Fuck do you need ice for? Anyway, one of them (Vendela is her name) goes to find the ice, where she walks by a laundress who is steamcleaning some bloody sheets from Room 51; clue #3, we’re at now. Then she sees kids at either end of the hall, but when she goes to find them, they’re gone. I’m not counting clues anymore. They deserve what they get.

-As Vendela is scooping the ice, a metallic glove creeps up on her and seems to touch her hair, but again, she turns around and there is nothing there. She gets back to the room and her friend, who is named Agnetha, says that the room smells like a dead animal. They demand to get another room, like Iris gives a damn about what they are demanding. Agnetha looks at the bed and notices something weird about the mattress; it’s like it has been stitched up through the middle. Vendela is the bold one who cuts the mattress open, instead of, you know, getting the fuck outta there. And out pops a….I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s naked, whatever it is, and it has messed-up teeth. A demon? A ghoul? How about some shit that lives in a mattress? That should be enough.

-I’m not sure how AHS hasn’t even been nominated for an opening-credits Emmy, but anyway, the shit is outstanding like it is every season. There is plenty of shit with mattresses, and kids with gas masks and a whole boatload of blood. It’s about to get real.

-After the first of 27 commercial breaks, we return with the girls walking with Iris, who acts like nothing just happened and tells them they’ll be arrested for evasion if they leave. I don’t even know how that works. But they don’t question it, they just go to another room to wait for the police instead of, you know, trying to get the fuck outta there. She takes ’em to room 64, which the camera lingers on and the homegirl Lindsay was like, mmmmmmhmmmm, that’s the killin’ room. Extra emphasis on that when Iris says that they never rent it out. After an hour, there are still no cops, and instead of tryna leave, they’re going to leave a bad review on Yelp for the hotel; if only they could get service. After more hours of waiting, Vendela had fallen asleep and Agnetha is nowhere to be found. She searches around the room and finds her friend in the bathroom, being eaten by the children she saw in the hallway. You wanna know what? At this point, fuck it, b. I’m out.

-The paramedics are rushing into another hotel, where a woman and a man were having sex, but she has been impaled with a pole, both of their hands have been nailed to the headboard, and his eyes and tongue have been cut out, but he is still alive. He is tryna ask them to speed up the process, and that he is still inside her, but that shit has been super-glued. Turns out that these two were married, but not to each other. Some anti-Tiger Woods fan is going after the cheaters, apparently. The main detective is John Lowe, played by Wes Bentley, who was Edward Mordrake in Freak Show. Good to see him in a bigger role. Also, his partner is Malik Yoba, who you may not from Empire going all the way back to New York Undercover, which was fucking AWESOME.

-John goes to his office to work on the case, which includes looking at other cases. This also includes one where a dude was anally raped with something that left traces of gold paint chips. The pictures were graphic as shit. And that’s not the last butthole reference in this episode. But he stops to talk to his young daughter, Scarlett, so they can read “Little Women” before her bedtime. He refuses to take a call related to the case, and then when he leaves the office, that person (with a disguised voice, of course) tells him to go to the Hotel Cortez, where he is in room 64, and he also killed that woman and left the man alive. He also says he’ll kill again, so John obviously has to go.

-At the hotel, some douchebag is waiting at the counter and asks for a room, and not only does Iris give him room 64, she charges him $150 instead of the $30 it says on the sign. He is obviously there to do drugs, so now we get to meet Sally, a strung-out junkie played by Sarah Paulson, and if you have ever read these and/or spoken to me about AHS, you know that I ride HARD for Ms. Paulson. Personally, I think she’s the best part of the entire series, and now we get to see her as a “bad” person (because good and bad are so relative in AHS)? I’m in. She calls dibs on douchebag, so that can’t be good for him.

-He gets to the room and breaks out the drug stuff, and soon he is in his own world. He sees a shadow, then he sees the laundress from earlier and before he realizes what is going on, he gets jacked by, um…..so this thing has no face, like it’s in a body-length suit, but the suit is made of skin. Then the thing (it’s different from the thing that came out of the mattress earlier) proceeds to flip the dude over and rapes him with what we think is a drill-bit or something. It’s metal and spiky and jagged, and it doesn’t look very fun.

-John walks into the hotel and Iris immediately guesses him for a cop, and he wants to go to room 64. Iris sends him up with Liz Taylor, played by Denis O’Hare, who was Stanley in Freak Show and the creepy butler in Coven. Liz is a man, but dressed in drag, and could be transgender, but he might have both sets of genitals, or none at all. Because, AMERICAN HORROR STORY.

-Dude is still gettin’ his rape on upstairs and Sally wants the victim to tell her he loves her, and it’ll all be over. He does, and then he dies, and the rapist is gone before Lowe gets to the room. But yeah bruh, we saw that rape. Like, all of it in a mirror. Honestly, I was more bothered by the heroin use. I HATE NEEDLES. Yay for desensitization!

-Anyway, John gets to the room and no one is there, but he does a half-ass job of checking shit out. Doesn’t even look under the bed, instead, he lies down on it and decides, hey, this would be a good time for a nap. Good grief. Had he looked under the bed, he probably would have found the victim, whose name is Gabriel, who wakes up, but John doesn’t hear him gasp.

-Remember the time, 2:25, dunno if it’s AM or PM. Lots of bad shit seems to happen at that time. That’s when Vendela woke up to find her friend getting buffeted. John wakes up and sees one of the children from earlier and he says, “Holden”, who you can assume is his son. He chases the child, who disappears, as they’re known to do.

-And here we go. We hear some music, which is “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge, and there is a woman getting ready to go out, and a man in a bath. She does one of the largest bumps of cocaine in recent TV history, joins her man and the two, dressed to the nines, head out. Her name is Elizabeth, and it’s the first appearance for Lady Gaga, and when this part was cast, a lot of people were skeptical, especially with Lange gone. But I think she’ll do alright because she’s just off enough (her persona, anyway) that she should fit into AHS nicely and she is very talented, whether you like her music or not. Anyway, they’re off to see “Nosferatu” at an outdoor cinema, where they flirt with another couple there, and eventually, they take them back to the hotel for an orgy that seems to go on forever. FX is really not giving any fucks about nudity or violence this year, because Gaga’s tits are basically out except that her nipples are covered, but I mean, we know what they’re about. Anyway, Elizabeth and her companion, Donovan, use their metallic gloves (like the one that crept up on Vendela) and slash their throats, so they can drink their blood. Of course…..”Nosferatu” is a silent movie about vampires. BAM. Gaga will be just fine on Hotel. She’s the least of my worries.

-John goes home after sitting outside in his car being creepy, and you get the idea that he and his wife don’t really get along. She’s mad because he is late, which made her late for some house calls as a doctor, and after she leaves, John takes Scarlett for sushi because fuck the dinner you made, apparently.

-Iris takes dinner to the two tourists, although we saw one of them being eaten, but it’s AHS, so whatever. She has a feeding tube for their food and Sally wants Iris to show them some compassion as she yells at them, calling them “Swedish meatballs”. But it seems like she is feeding them to fatten them up, or help their wounds, so they might actually be dead at this point. Sally says something about Iris being here for 20 years, and Iris blames her for everything. Iris says Sally can do her job, but warns her about having to explain to “her” why they tastes like shit. “Her” seems to Elizabeth, also known as the Countess, so yeah, Iris traps people and feeds them to the vampires.

-Then Sally goes off the rails after Iris leaves to feed something else, and screams at Vendela to run after letting her out of her cage. Vendela runs while her friends cries not to be left alone, but you know Vendela is fucked. She is running and running and gets to the front door, where Elizabeth is waiting, and slashes her throat. She then tells Iris that this can never happen again. So Elizabeth is the leader of all this weird shit.

-Over sushi, Scarlett tells John that she has been having dreams of her brother, the Holden that he referred to earlier, but they leave dinner when he gets a text from his wife asking for help at some random address. They go there and there is a cop waiting, and John asks the cop to watch his kid, but of course, he gets drawn away by something. The voice he spoke to earlier calls him again, and John finds a shadowy figure in the house, while Scarlett wanders in to find two men strung up with their guys hanging out. She screams, so the man gets away as John runs to her. Shoutout to that cop for leaving a little girl in a car by herself. Well done.

-Through a flashback, we learn that John was with his son, but he turned his back for a second and Holden was gone. This is a point of contention between he and his wife Alex, who is scared out of her mind as she didn’t text that message to John, so the voice had hacked into her phone. John says that he’ll leave, but there will be cops there to watch them. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. They do such a great job as is.

-Back at the hotel, we meet Will Drake, his son Lachlan and Marcy, a realtor who is negotiating Drake buying the hotel. You might also remember Marcy from Murder House, as she sold the house to the Harmon family. There is your first intra-season connection and after the end of Freak Show, you can expect to see a few more in Hotel (there was one nod to Asylum that I can’t remember right now). Anyway, they meet Iris, who doesn’t know anything about a sale, and they find a naked Donovan, who also doesn’t know about it and when he finds out, he isn’t happy. Lachlan sees the thing with no face, but decides not to tell anyone about it because why would you do that?

-They also meet Elizabeth, who is quite charming when she isn’t killing people, and as Marcy continues her tour with Will, Elizabeth takes Lachlan to a secret room, where all of the other children are, including Holden. Shit has video games and unlimited candy. You know what? Hotel Cortez might not be all that bad.

-Iris and Donovan are discussing the hotel sale, and the dots are connected. In 1994, Iris followed Sally and Donovan (who is Iris’ son, we learn) here as he was scoring drugs from her, and Donovan dies from either a dirty needle or an OD. Iris is pissed and pushes Sally out of a window to her death, and then returns to the room to find Elizabeth, stroking Donovan’s face and telling Iris that her son has a jawline for days. Gaga looks an awful lot like Alexandra Breckenridge, who played the young nanny in Murder House and she was in a couple episodes of Coven as well. This show fucks with your head like that.

-John leaves his house and heads straight to Hotel Cortez, because why not and if you’re gon’ go back, might as well stay in room 64, right? “Hotel California” by the Eagles plays us out and ends the episode on a fitting note, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”.

There was a lot packed into this 90-minute (including those 27 commercial breaks) episode, but the synopsis of Hotel so far is that people die there and their ghosts feed off anyone who comes in. The only one who isn’t a ghost is Iris, who is there because of her son, although we still don’t know what’s up with Liz Taylor. American Horror Story went for the gusto with the Hotel premiere, and there were a few stories wondering whether or not Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk went too far. Those people haven’t watched this before. In a couple episodes, we’ll be asking, “remember how tame the premiere was?”. Welcome to the wonderful, insane world of American Horror Story.