American Horror Story: Hotel S05E03 – Mommy

The thing about American Horror Story is that you don’t usually know who all the major players are, and what the main storyline will be, until a few episodes into the season. The third episode of Hotel, “Mommy”, sheds a little light on John’s wife Alex, but also on the Donovan/Iris relationship and of course, we get introduced to a new character played by an old (not, like, age….she won’t track me down, dammit) favorite. Let’s go……..

-We open with Tristan, who seems like he has settled into this vampire thing, and he’s looking for March, his new homeboy. He has studied up on March, who pops up and isn’t impressed about all his information being out in these Google streets. And then Tristan tries to hit him with a high-five, and March looks at him like he’s nuts, and says, “GOOD”. You really have to see it to get the full effect. I had to hit pause, I was laughing so hard. March tells Tristan that the hotel has a bunch of hidden rooms, including the “Black Closet”, which is a dark room with a spike in it that impales a mufucka as soon as they run into the place. I’d be fine if March was the focus of the storyline and not the vampires, and maybe he will be eventually. I hope so.

-Will Drake is with Claudia and his son, taking a tour of the place when they run into Tristan. I now think that Will Drake is a descendant of Edward Mordrake from Freak Show, if they’re gon’ continue to tie seasons together. He tells Tristan that he has to leave the hotel, but he notices that the cut on his face is gone, the one Tristan made upon his retirement from the modelling business. Plans are made to tear the floor out, and Miss Evers is pressed about where she’ll clean the linens. On the low, she might be my favorite so far. She just wants a clean hotel, bruh. But Tristan said he got it, so someone gotta die.

-The kid who has the measles has gotten worse, which leads Alex to go back into her memories on being a mother. Also, I think that kid will end up at the hotel. She didn’t have the best childhood, but everything changed when Holden was born, and she admits to not even loving Scarlett that way. I was confused when she said that it was like a drug, but she kept smelling him, which I’ve heard of before. She didn’t love John as much, so when he lost Holden, whatever love she had evaporated and she gave up hope of ever finding him. She also went to a therapist and attempted to commit suicide in a tub, but John found her. The family has their own group meeting with a therapist and Alex accuses Scarlett of trying to hurt them and she’s like, dude, for real, I SEEN IT. If only John would pipe up and tell mufuckas that he saw it, but that’ll come later. Alex perks up a little when Scarlett says that he smelled like lavender, so that must have been the addictive smell.

-Claudia is in her room, tryna talk on the phone when the service cuts out, but she doesn’t think anything of it. Then she goes in the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees a flash of Rapey McDrillbit, so what does she do? Lies on the bed and tries to go to sleep. That doesn’t work out for as Gabriel pops up from the mattress, strangles her and then stabs her to death. I’m not going anywhere I can’t use my phone, bruh. That’s a hint that something isn’t right.

-John and Malik Yoba (his name is Adam, fine, I’ll use that) are investigating a new set of murders where two writers for a gossip site have had their tongues nailed to their desks, which in biblical terms, is “Thou shall not bear false witness”. As he returns to the hotel, Gabriel pops up outta nowhere, covered in blood, and asks John to help him. Like, out of thin air. Nah, fuck yo help. I don’t care that I am a cop.

-Tristan gets into Will’s room and apologizes for the whole ordeal at the fashion show and the face-cutting thing, and says that he is clean and sober. Dogg, you’ve been hangin’ with Elizabeth, no way in shit you’re sober. Will is tryna go over the blueprints for the hotel, but Tristan is tryna eat and he seduces him to the point that he goes to bite his neck, and up pops Elizabeth with the NOAP throat-slash, telling Tristan not to do it. Tristan is like, awwwww man, and Will is like, the fuck just happened?

-John takes Gabriel to the hospital, and Gabriel basically blames everything on Sally before overdosing, then he goes to Claudia’s room, but he only finds Miss Evers,and I mean….come on, bruh. How bad of a cop are you? All of these signs, shit, Iris told you all about the place, and nothing? Then, oh AND THEN, she drops a line about the Ten Commandments and then when John handcuff and takes her to the elevator, she tries to seduce him, the lights keep flickering on and off, Rapey keeps popping up and then they both disappear. BRUH. GET THE FUCK OUT, B.

-Iris tells Donovan that she has been looking up places to live, but he’s like, nah, that ain’t happening and proceeds to tear into her, saying that everything was her fault and he hates her and he may have wished death upon her as well; he said a lot of hateful shit in there. We also learn that there was a bad breakup between Iris and Donovan’s father, and it seems like she was, well, let’s just say overbearing. Iris starts to cry, and at least once per season, you remember that, oh shit, this is Kathy fuckin’ Bates actin’ on y’all punk asses. She is good at what she does.

-Donovan feeds on a junkie to get both of his fixes at the same damn time, and then he finds someone who is having car trouble, so he’s like, cool, another meal. But then he gets tasered and guess who it is? MS BASSETT BACK! She throws him in the trunk and drives off, and I get to partyin’. I love Angela Bassett. Just everything about her; she is elegant, but reeks of “I’ll fuck your whole life up if you mess with me”.

-Alex finds John at the hotel, because why not bring your whole fucking family there. She wants him to have a drink and he’s like, nah, I’m good. She’s like, oh, you should have one because here are these divorce papers, bruh. She’s done with it all, for Scarlett’s sake, and he gets his Keith Sweat on to beg her, but she seems set in her decision. Then he drops that he is seeing weird shit and is sobbing, which of course, makes her stay. Tears can change a whole ball game, yo.

-Then it is Elizabeth’s turn to put the moves on Will Drake as she rolls into his room and he’s like, you know I’m gay, right? Elizabeth can’t be bothered with that, though….she wants that neck and says something about him dying. But even though he is gay, he tries to get it poppin’ with her before Tristan walks in and is like, yo, you JUST stopped me from doing the EXACT SAME THING. But Elizabeth’s motive is money: she got trapped in the Bernie Madoff scandal, which is, to make a long story short, a Ponzi scheme that got him convicted in sent to jail in 2009. Elizabeth lost almost all of her money and wants to get it back, which means getting Will to marry her, so she can take his money. Will Drake is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a bitch to get your money taken and then killed, but then he would turn into a vampire? I guess we’ll see.

-Alex takes John to his room and finds his work on the Ten Commandments Killer, but somehow he ends up getting her back into bed, where he almost gets it in before suggesting that they have another baby and Alex is like, oh for fuck sakes. He killed that mood with the quickness and she hits him with those papers again. Cold world, dogg.

-Then she leaves the room, and runs into a bloody Claudia, who insults her clothing choices, and then she sees Holden, who calls her “Mommy”. I’m just happy for Scarlett that mufuckas might not think she is crazy anymore. But Holden is the key to John getting her back, and I don’t know how feasible that is because, well, he’s a vampire. Maybe a vampire family is in order?

-Sally gets a needle ready to give to Iris, who wants to die after what Donovan said to her, and Sally is like, I’ll do this, but dogg, you gotta leave me alone in these halls. Iris says yes, but she’ll go back on that shit in a second.

-To get rid of the heroin, Donovan is receiving dialysis from Ms. Bassett, whose name is Ramona Royale, and she explains that she was a Blaxploitation actress from the 70s; think Pam Grier (and if you don’t know who she is, for the love of God, Google her). She wanted more roles in that era, but of course, CISM. But then she meets Elizabeth and is turned into a vampire as well, and she ends up turning a rapper named Prophet Moses, which is just about the worst rap name you could ever think of. Ryan Murphy, just stay away from rap music, let Empire handle that, bruh. Anyway, Elizabeth got mad and ate all of the rapper’s entourage and then blew his head clean off, so Ramona wants revenge and thought she could use Donovan to get it, but he tells her that Elizabeth cut him off. She lets him go, but it is in the cards: Ramona and Donovan vs. Elizabeth and Tristan. Sure, I’m in for that.

-Also, this is extremely shallow, but thumbs up to Gaga and Ms. Bassett kissing. Because I’m 12 and I don’t care.

-And yes, I’ll always call her Ms. Bassett.

-Donovan goes back to the hotel and runs into Liz, who proceeds to give him shit for how he treated Iris because no matter what she did, she is his mother and no one will love him like she does, even though she did some messed-up things to try and keep him safe. Donovan realizes that he is right and goes to see her, but Sally had to put a bag over her head because apparently, Iris has a high tolerance for heroin and won’t die. Donovan slits his wrist and holds it to Iris to try and bring her back and Sally is like, well, ain’t that some poetic-justice ass shit.

I’m quite surprised on what they did with Alex’s character, because I was fully ready to not care about her, but I’m interested to see what she does now that she knows Holden is actually, well, not alive, but he is a thing. Now Donovan is dealing with Iris, then you have the vampire battle royal that is about to pop off, then March is hangin’ out with Miss Evers, Rapey McDrillbit, the Ten Commandments Killer, Scarlett…..and I bet there will be more shit added to the mix next week. If nothing else, you can’t ever say that American Horror Story is boring.

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