Monthly Archives: November 2015

The Walking Dead S06E07 – Heads Up

The Walking Dead is almost at the midseason point as “Heads Up” answered a few questions about some things that happened earlier this season. Not only was that a big ol’ crock of horseshit, but I found a couple more things to hate about this show. Will I continue watching? Obviously. But I’ma be mad about it. Let’s go…..

-So, the shit opens going back to “Thank You“, aka the Glenn episode and we pick up with walkers buffeting their way all over Nicholas. I’m not describing it, y’all watched what happened. So, here are my issues with this fuckery:

a) Walkers are just grabbing at Nicholas, but you mean to tell me that they don’t grab on to Glenn? Not a fingernail? Not a scratch? Nothing? Like they can’t tell that another warm body is right underneath the one they’re eating? WORD?

b) So fine, he gets away from that. He manages to slide under the dumpster and walkers are tryna get at him? Not one walker can touch him? They’re grabbing at his hair and all that shit. NOT ONE WALKER CAN TOUCH HIM? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

c) Fine, he stays under the dumpster for an entire night. Where did these walkers go? They decided they needed to be somewhere else? They’re like, well, can’t reach him, guess I’ll just give up and try something else? NAH. Their whole mission is to eat and when there is something right there, they’re not leaving until they get it. But this is what we’re doing now? Zombies giving up on food that is right there in front of their fucking faces? COOL.

d) How long was Glenn underneath the dumpster? Wiki says days, but we see one scene where it has gone to nighttime, so are we supposed to believe that he was under there for days? If you’re gon’ try and pull some fuck shit like this, for the love of God, make it believable.

-Yeah, I said “believable” in a show about zombies. Be mad about it.

-Look, I love me some Glenn. Little Pizza Boy is one of my favorite characters. But him coming back is the biggest bunch of bullshit that The Walking Dead has tried to feed us, and they’ve served up some shit sammiches in its day. People love characters to come back…..nah, bruh. Just die already and move on with the fucking story. And also, I could have spent another 500 words on this section, just so you know.

-So then, he manages to get from under the dumpster that he has been under for either 12 hours or 12 weeks, who the fuck knows….and there is Enid with a bottle of water. Just happens to be on top of a building with water like someone standing on the sidelines at a marathon. Sure. Fine. And not only that, she throws the bottle in a puddle of blood and entrails. Jesus. Anyway, he chases her, she tells him Alexandria was attacked, but still runs away and Glenn, of course, has to chase her. Holy shit. I’m getting a headache watching this again.

-Back at Alexandria, Rick is checking out the walls and he tells Morgan he needs to talk to him about some shit later, and again he sees some blood trickling from the other side of the wall. He sees Maggie at the lookout post, where she is looking for a signal from Glenn, and I kinda feel bad for her; the only person on this show that I do feel bad for, but only for a minute. I’ll never let the shit with Beth go, speaking of shit sammiches. I’ve tried, but fuck it.

-Glenn finds David, the guy with Michonne that didn’t make it over the fence, and he turned, so Glenn stabs him in the head. But he finds the note that David wrote to his wife, the one that Michonne said he didn’t need because he would see her again, but that shit ain’t work out.

-Father Bitchass puts up a note saying there would be a prayer circle and Rick ripped that shit down with the quickness. I didn’t even notice because I was still mad from the Glenn shit. I missed a lot of shit this episode on the first go being mad at the Glenn shit. Anyway, he and Carl are taking Ron out to teach him how to shoot. Oh my, how mad y’all are gon’ be when Ron does some fuck shit like, I don’t know, shoots Carl. They set this shit up like, two episodes ago. Ron has “fuckboy” written all over his face.

-Morgan goes to Denise, but doesn’t tell her what he wants, and Rick is like, aye, come here for a second, bruh. Rick, Michonne and Carol question him about the Wolves and Morgan not killing them. Morgan throws out some “all life is precious” bullshit that he said to Daryl in “Conquer“, and that’s fine. He says that anyone can change and I get where he is coming from as we saw in “Here’s Not Here“, but come on, dogg. The dude you have caged up has been bitten….this is the one you want to save? It’s gon’ suck when he kills Morgan or worse, someone else.

-There is a sweet camera shot of the truck that rammed into the tower outside of the Alexandria walls when the Wolves showed up, and it pans over that to get to a shot of all the walkers lining up at said wall. Knowing what we know by the end of the episode, that’s pretty good….so there is one good thing that happened. Michonne and Rick are tryna come up with a plan to get the walkers away, and Michonne wants to use the Alexandria people, but Rick is like, nah, they’re stupid. Michonne tries to talk him out of it, but dammit, he’s right. That being said, I’m not sure they really have a choice. Then Deanna runs up, all happy, talkin’ about plans for expansion and Rick is like, yeah, how about we just get through this shit first? Good for her, though. At least she seems to have her wits about her again.

-Rosita is teaching the Alexandrians how to use a machete, but it’s Eugene that is the most scared out of everyone, which blows my mine. Rosita, too, because she says that being scared of dying isn’t what should scare him, it is watching your friends die after you were too scared to save him, which I think already happened with Eugene. For all the shit that he has seen and caused, Eugene still being a bitch? Why haven’t we thrown him to the walkers again? Dude ain’t even a real scientist.

-Enid is in a restaurant, but Glenn being Glenn, catches up to her and tells her he is taking her back to Alexandria. He says that Maggie wouldn’t leave her behind, but listen, Enid’s being a little snot. She doesn’t wanna come, she doesn’t wanna come, let her fend for herself and see how far that gets her. Then she has the nerve to pull a gun on Glenn? He’s like, if you don’t get that shit outta my fuckin’ face. Walks up on her and grabs that shit. She is another one that needs to go. I can’t even do a “Who Do I Want To Die” Power Rankings because the list would be too long. Let’s just say I want everyone to die but Carol and maybe, Maggie. Everyone else? Bye.

-Another week, another reminder to sit down and watch that Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462 joint. Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm, they know that dude got bit now. It’s about to be on and poppin’. That Asian lady be knowin’.

-Anyway, Glenn grabs the gun and tells Enid to bring her little ass on, while Rick is back playing carpenter at Alexandria. Tobin asks to help him, but really, the point of this scene is for him to tell Rick not to give up on the Alexandrians. He admits that they weren’t built for this, and it’s taking a while for them to wrap their heads around it, but they’ll catch on. Tobin looks like he says the N-word a lot. I don’t trust him.

-Enid kills a walker that has been cut in half, and Glenn looks at her, and she says some slick shit like, wouldn’t your wife have wanted me to kill it? Man, feed her ass to a herd or something. I’m tired of her mouth. They find some balloons, which she says will distract the walkers, and Glenn tries to say something to her, and she says something smart again. If she survives this season, I’ll be blue mad.

-Ron manages to distract Olivia so he can steal some bullets and move his fuckboy plan forward. Good job, Olivia, good effort.

-I forgot about The War For The Planet Of The Apes. That joint’s gon’ be good.

-Glenn and Enid finally get to Alexandria, where they see that it’s a zombie party outside the walls. Enid says some shit about tryna let the world die and of course, Glenn is all noble and says that’s some bullshit. Again, if she wants to go, let her go. I’d be the worst person to be in the zombie apocalypse with. You wanna go off on your own? Aight, cool.

-Rick and Tobin see Spencer tryna climb out of Alexandria with a rope that he has attached to the tower, and of course, that shit breaks and he almost gets caught by walkers. I don’t even know how he got away from them. Oh right, Tara climbs outside of the wall herself to shoot whatever walkers she can, long enough for Morgan to jump in and help Rick and Tobin pull Spencer to safety, while Michonne helps Tara back in. Rick loses it, yelling at Tara for putting her life on the line for one of the Alexandrians, which is kinda weird of him to say like, in front of them and Tara gives him the finger, which was pretty fuckin’ good. Then he yells at Spencer, whose plan was to get to a car so he could lead the walkers away, but come on, he ain’t pullin’ that shit off. Spencer even says to rick that if he had came to him with the plan, Rick wouldn’t have allowed it. And why should he? Maybe if someone else did it.

-Morgan goes to Denise and comes clean: he needs antibiotics if there are some to spare. So Morgan wants to use what medicine they have on a Wolf that has been bitten? Cool. But Carol is on the porch with Judith and when she sees Morgan and Denise walking down the street, she transforms into Killa Carol, walking down the middle of the street with Judith in tow. She goes to Jessie and is like, aye, take Judith for me for a minute, while Sam asks Carol if the Wolves were monsters. She actually asks her if you kill one of them, do you turn into a monster and Carol says something like, killing is the only way from becoming a monster. The writing leaves a lot to be desired, but basically, she’s saying kill or be killed, which is why I fucks with Carol. Anyway, she unlocks the door to Morgan’s spot and demands to know who he has in there.

-Cut to a scene of Carl walking down the street, and Ron rollin’ up behind him with a gun. Before I wrote it earlier, I knew this was happening. Go back to the joint where Ron first asked Rick to teach him to shoot. Using his mom’s vagina to get into Rick’s good graces. What a fuckboy.

-Michonne is looking at Deanna’s blueprints, while Rick is noisily hammering with Tobin, and he apologizes to Tara for yelling at her. Deanna thanks him for saving Spencer (she already thanked Tara), and asks why he did it. Rick says it is because he was her son, and she responds with “wrong answer”. Did you want the truth or not? To be fair, Rick would have really tried to save anyone that tried to do that dumb shit that Spencer pulled. That’s how Rick is wired.

-Everyone sees the balloons, including Maggie, who starts getting psyched. But then the watchtower, which we saw earlier, starts to creek and tumble over in the slowest of motions. It crashes into the wall and that can only mean one thing: the walkers are coming.

From start to finish, this was one of the most annoying and frustrating episodes in the history of The Walking Dead, mainly because of the stuff with Glenn, which I’m never gon’ like and that’s fine; I get that a lot of people do like it, I just think it’s fucking stupid. But it is what it is and I’ll be watching next week because the walkers are through the walls and the Alexandrians still aren’t ready to deal with this. That means we probably won’t get any resolution to the Carl/Ron thing, although Carl could just turn around, grab Ron’s gun and smack him like, we’ll deal with this later. The Morgan/Carol thing will have to wait, and we’re still waiting for Glenn, Daryl, Abe and Sasha to get back. I assume it’ll be 90 minutes, but I’m not looking too far ahead because, well, spoilers and y’all know how I am with that shit.

Anyway, I hate you, The Walking Dead, and you’re fucking infuriating. And I’ll be here next week.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E06 – Room 33

The beat goes on at American Horror Story: Hotel, which threw yet another wrench into the plans of us tryna keep everything straight in this show. “Room 33” manages to tie in another season from the series, even if it’s only brief, but overall, shit is getting more weird. And in another news, water is wet. Let’s go………

-We open with a car pulling up to a house, with a young Elizabeth getting out and when the camera pans, you see that it is the Murder House and we’re in Los Angeles, way back in 1926. I say young because, well, it’s 1926, and I know she’s a vampire, but Elizabeth doesn’t look like The Countess yet. Like, she hasn’t manipulated or killed people yet. We see a picture of Dr. Charles Montgomery with his wife, Nora (played by Lily Rabe) and his son Thaddeus, and if you don’t remember that story, you should check out the AHS Wiki to refresh your memory. Elizabeth is pregnant and she was given Montgomery’s name by Margaret Gibson, and I don’t know if that name is important, but if we’re gon’ jump back and forth between seasons, I feel like we should know all the names (you’ll see why later). She is three weeks in, but damn, that looks like a big-ass baby already. He takes her to the basement to get this abortion started, and his nurse is like, uh, her temperature is 75 degrees, so Elizabeth is already a vampire at this point. Montgomery cuts out the fetus and tells the nurse to get rid of it, but the fetus jumps up and fucks ol’ girl up, and Montgomery is lookin’ like, well ain’t this some shit. So he does what any doctor would do: gives it to Elizabeth and tells her it’s a boy. I would have set it on fire, but hey, I’m no doctor.

-John is asleep in his room, I don’t know how, and he wakes up to Holden, who gets up and runs out, so he obviously follows him. He is led to the room of coffins, and he sees Alex laying in one, and does what anyone would do: faints. Then we get into a sex scene and it takes a minute to figure who it is…’s Tristan and Liz, After they’re done, he gives Tristan books by Bronte and Wilde, and I’m assuming the Wilde joint is Dorian Gray, but I’d love to know which Bronte (Charlotte or Emily) book he gave him, because I’m a nerd. The two talk about falling in love together and Liz is wary of what Elizabeth will think because she freed him to be himself, but Tristan (who seems dumb as a Ben Carson supporter) thinks they’ll be aight. Oh, Tristan.

-MORE SEX! This time it is Elizabeth and Will, who can’t keep it up because Elizabeth isn’t a man, so she hits Tristan with the “CUM UP” text. FX got their HBO on this week, there was talk about cocks and cumming and naked ass and whatnot…..they don’t care anymore. Speaking of not caring, Elizabeth brings up Tristan to get Will going, and Tristan is like, I’m not gay, and she’s like, I don’t care, b. So if you’re fuckin’ with Elizabeth, you might gotta be a fluffer at some point.

-Alex runs down to the lobby to tell Liz that John knows about the coffin room, so she drugged him to keep him out until they figure out a plan. That plan? Destroy everything. John wakes up and Alex (not looking like a vampire) tells him that he called her and started telling her the same story that Scarlett did, about coffins and all kinds of wild shit. He runs down to the room and discovers that everything is gone, and there is a good chance he’s crazy. I mean, he is….but that shit really happened. Unless all of this is in his imagination. If it is, fuck this show, b.

-Elizabeth is walking down the hall in a flowing dress as she has been known to do, and she goes into Room 33, where she picks up her baby out of a crib. She says goodbye and that she is returning with enough money that she’ll never have to leave him again. Why doesn’t she just kill Will and take all his shit? Why am I coming up with logical solutions for a vampire?

-Ramona and Donovan strut through the hotel lobby and look at Iris, who can’t be bothered. Ramona wants to kill the vampire children, but Donovan feels some kinda way about it and she calls him a pussy…..she’s not wrong, but I guess he watched the children grow or whatever it is that vampire children do. She goes down to the coffin room to no coffins, and Iris follows her with a gun, and Ramona is like, there’s something different about you. Iris is still high off killing the hipster assholes in the last episode, and she has a gun, so she’s ready to put in that work.

-Meanwhile, Donovan goes up to Elizabeth’s room and sniffs her panties because he’s not creepy or anything. Since she isn’t there, he leaves and runs into the blond girls from the first couple of episodes, and they ask him how they get out. Donovan is like, there is no getting out… have to find a purpose. He tells them the story of Cara, who is played by the larger lady who Evan Peters was tryna fatten up even more in Freak Show, and she killed herself, decomposing into the hotel’s water system. Her purpose was apparently to terrorize people, and she popped up behind some old man and choked the shit outta him. So they can find a purpose, but they can never really leave; he lost his purpose when Elizabeth kicked him out, ol’ sucka for love ass.

-Ramona goes to Room 33 and starts calling for the baby, named Bartholomew and I swear we have heard that somewhere in AHS before. She hunts him and finds him, but he throws a ball to distracts her and gets outta the room. I forgot about this, but in Murder House, there was a baby that threw a ball to distract people. Shoutout to our viewing-party text thread, because I forgot all about that.

-Liz walks by Room 33 and notices that the door is open, and she’s like, OH SHIT. She tells Alex about it and that they need to find this thing before Elizabeth comes back from Paris or shit will go down. Then she finds Ramona at the bar, and gives her an ice pack for her eye and a glass of wine. The two seem to be cool from back in the day, but Liz is like, you gotta leave before Elizabeth gets back because, well, y’all hate each other. But Liz is cool enough with Ramona to tell her about Tristan, and Ramona hits that “spill the tea”, which was pretty good. Liz thinks they’ll be alright and Elizabeth will understand the whole love angle, and Ramona tells him to run away with Tristan because Elizabeth is crazy. Love doesn’t mean a thing in American Horror Story. Love will get your ass killed.

-Alex finds the blond girls in a room, along with a bloody body and they recount the story of how they found this tourist, who got freaked out when the other blond girl showed up in the middle of the sex. He thinks they’re tryna stick him for his paper as prostitutes, but bruh, that’s the least of your worries. He goes to the bathroom and get stabbed the fuck up, and Alex is like, you don’t have to kill people, just their minds, and points them in the direction of dear John, who has always wanted a threesome, she says.

-Meanwhile, John shows up at another murder scene from the Ten Commandments Killer, and a pastor has been stuffed with coins until he exploded. He is told that they don’t need him and remember, he has been fired. So, how did he know about the murder scene? Oh yeah…….BECAUSE HE DID THAT SHIT. He says he has a police scanner, but I don’t care. He did that shit.

-He goes back to the hotel and Liz finds him drunk in the hallway, and she wants to take him back to his room to let him sleep it off, but he wants to have his breakdown his way. Wonderful. Just then, the blond girls come around the corner and they all head back to his room. This ranks as the, what, second or third-bloodiest orgy this season, but they stab him and he jumps up to run down to the lobby, covered in blood, Lord knows whose blood. He and Liz go up to the room, where Miss Evers is just tryna clean the sheets, God bless her heart. James March shows up and says he’s finally starting to really fit in at the hotel, but John rushes him and he vanishes. This is what it takes for John to be like, I’m fuckin’ outta here, b, and he starts to pack, but he should probably shower the blood off first. As he is in the shower, Bartholomew the baby gets into his suitcase. Good grief.

-John goes and picks up Scarlett, who is wondering where her mother is because she hasn’t spoken to her in two days, and why John is staying there since it isn’t his house anymore. He goes to his room and opens his suitcase, but leaves again and Bartholomew gets out, throwing his shit everywhere and John is like, lemme grab this gun from the closet. Scarlett is crying in her room because her entire family is fucking crazy, and John is holding a bloody shirt, which doesn’t help matters. He finds Bartholomew in the kitchen, which is right next to Scarlett watching TV and when he fires his gun, she freaks out. That’s some good tunnel vision….how in the hell did she not see him standing there with the gun? You know what? Fuck it, bruh. This shit is insane.

-Back at the hotel, Elizabeth has returned with Will and his son, and she runs into Liz, who wants to tell her about Tristan. Elizabeth offers to pay for her transgender surgery and Liz is like, cool, but I’m in love with Tristan. Elizabeth is like, I don’t share and Liz starts begging, and Elizabeth says they’ll talk about it later. Oh, this won’t end well. Liz even said that earlier.

-Meanwhile, John’s partner drops Alex off at the house and is like, you better watch him and she’s like, I got it, bruh. She asks him to take Scarlett to her grandmother’s again and Scarlett looks at her like, there is something up with you, dammit. Me, personally? Grandma has something to do with this. Is Grandma Jessica Lange? I know she said she wasn’t coming back, but I don’t believe shit coming from this show. Keep an eye on that. She finds John at the house, and he has figured out that she is living at the hotel, and she tries to brush it off, but he locks her out of her own house. Then Alex hears something in the bushes….and it’s our old friend Bartholomew.

-Elizabeth gathers Tristan and Liz in a room, and tells them that she isn’t a fan of betrayal. Tristan gets his chest all puffy and goes into this spiel about how she loves to control people, bringing them back and keeping them under her thumb before getting rid of them. Elizabeth is like, yo, Liz, you want him? He’s yours, and slices his throat with her nail. She tells him to bury Tristan. Yeah, that was never going to go well, Tristan. You know how petty Elizabeth is. But he’ll probably be back because, American Horror Story. Does anyone truly die?

-Elizabeth goes to Room 33 and finds Alex with Bartholomew, and Alex tells the story of how she found him, a little less blood, but he’s alright. Elizabeth thanks her for saving Bartholomew, while Alex does the same for Elizabeth saving Holden, and it’s all fine and good. Elizabeth is cradling Bartholomew, and we finally get to see him: he has a cleft palate, his face is deformed and grey, he doesn’t have a nose and he has sharp teeth, good for biting. Basically, he’s all fucked up. Jody in the text chat hit that “#gerberbaby” joint and it was the highlight of the damn episode. Well done, my man. Well done.

So now, we have Bartholomew added in the mix. We didn’t see any of Sally, so she’ll probably be in next week’s episode. Alex and Elizabeth are forming quite the team, while Liz might join the Ramona/Donovan/Iris revenge team, if I had to guess. And dammit, Scarlett and her grandmother have something to do with all this. We’re only halfway through Hotel: keep up, or you’ll get left behind, because they’re not done adding shit yet.

The Walking Dead S06E05 – Now

Through the first quarter of Season 6, the theme of The Walking Dead seems to be about how not ready the Alexandria people are for these streets. “Now” sees them coming around a little bit, and they better, because there are thousands of zombies knocking at the door….and they might be the least of their worries. Let’s go….

-We open with Deanna, surveying the damage of the Wolves running wild on them, while Michonne tells Maggie that Glenn and Nicholas didn’t make it back, but he would send a signal of some sort if they got into trouble. No signal yet. They’re really doing a lot to make us think Glenn is dead. I’ma be so damn mad when he comes back. Like, furious.

-Out of nowhere, Rick starts yelling to open the gate as he runs through a few walkers like Adrian Peterson, while Deanna sits there with this dumbass look on her face. Michonne opens it and Rick gets through in the nick of time, while Deanna still stands there, stunned, and this dude is behind her with his fists up like he’s about to do something. Man, go sit your ass down somewhere.

-Rick tries to talk the Alexandrians down because they’ve seen some shit now, between the walkers and the Wolves, but some of them still don’t get it. Aaron tells them that the Wolves knew everything about them because he lost his backpack, and that the walkers were going to show up there anyway, Rick just got them prepared. Seriously, anyone who isn’t on board at this point, walk their ass up the wall and throw ’em to the walkers. What more do they have to see to figure out that this is what it is now? Meanwhile, Deanna is still walking around, not knowing what is going on. I think we all know who is running the show here now.

-Is it just me or does Aaron look like a homeless Justin Timberlake? Like, young Timberlake, but down on his luck?

-Jessie takes the Wolf that she killed to the graveyard, but Rick stops her because they don’t bury killers inside the walls, shoutout to her ex-husband. Meanwhile, the rest of the natives are getting restless and are tryna raid the food, because they’re gon’ die anyway. Spencer, Deanna’s son, talks them out of it, but you know something? They’d all have more food if some of them just died. Easy solution. What a whiny bunch, man. And poor Olivia. Carol needs to be guarding that shit.

-Aaron walks by Maggie, who is putting something together to, I assume, go looking for Glenn, and then he walks to the wall, where Alexandrians are writing the names of the dead. Glenn and Nicholas are on there. They are selling the shit outta this, yo. Anyway, he finds Maggie in the armory and yep, she’s going to look for Glenn, but Aaron is wracked by guilt because his photos led the Wolves there, so he is going with her. He has another way out of Alexandria, and it’s underground. Nothing bad can happen here.

-Deanna finally comes around as she looks at Reg’s wedding ring, and she takes out his map to start figuring out how they’re going to re-design this place. But then she runs into Spencer, who is drunk and berates her for fooling the community into thinking that everything was okay, and blames her for the deaths of Reg and Aiden. Look, Reg’s death was kind of an accident, and dude, your brother was an asshole that had to die anyway. You’re getting there, too, by the way. She goes back into her daze, and Spencer jumps to the top of the death-wish list, a spot formerly held by Nicholas.

-Carl tries to talk to Ron about Enid, and we learn that Enid was Ron’s girlfriend or whatever the hell you have as a teenager in the zombie apocalypse. Ron sulks and says that he won’t help find her, and threatens to tell Rick if Carl goes out there. Then they grab each other and Carl throws Ron to the ground so easy in the funniest moment of the episode. Man, Carl been out here fighting walkers since he was like, nine. Fuck is Ron’s bitch ass about to do?

-Denise is still learning to be a surgeon as Scott is dying of some sort of infection from the wound he suffered out there with Michonne and ’em, and she’s getting frustrated, and Tara tries to encourage her, I think. I zoned out for this entire scene twice. Now that there will be no Glenn/Maggie/Tara threesome, I don’t care about her anymore.

-Jessie is walking by a house when she sees a walker inside, apparently her name is Betsy, and Betsy died because she slit her wrists. A group of people stand around while Jessie kills her, and they have the nerve to look at her like she’s crazy. Jessie tells them that if they don’t fight, they die, like Rick told her last season. Rick and ’em should have just killed them all when they got there.

-Aaron leads Maggie to the sewers, and even though she is against it, he goes with her, which makes sense since she doesn’t know where she is going. They’re walking along and Aaron is telling her how guilty he feels about the Wolves finding his backpack, when they run into sewer walkers… now we have rock-quarry walkers, fire walkers and sewer walkers. It has been a great season for walkers so far. Anyway, of course they get away from them and continue on their way, and Maggie tries to tell Aaron to go back because he cut his head, but he doesn’t and again, she still doesn’t know where she is going.

-Denise has a Eureka moment with her studies as she injects saline into Scott’s IV and his heart rate stabilizes. I’m not sure how medicine works and if it does it that quickly, but hey, I’ll let this slide because there are bigger fish to fry in this show, and Denise is happy as shit.

-Rick is still tryna get a hold of Daryl, Abraham and Sasha when Ron walks up to him and snitches on Carl for wanting to go and look for Enid. Then he asks Rick to teach him how to shoot. Mmmmmhmmmm, Ron is plottin’. I told y’all, he’s gon’ shoot Carl because he can’t fight, but Rick can’t see that because he’s tryna fuck Ron’s mom.

-Denise walks up to Tara and kisses her. Alright, so maybe there is a threesome still in the cards somewhere in this show?

-Aaron and Maggie get to the end of the tunnel, and Aaron volunteers to go out, but Maggie yells at him to stop, which draws the walkers there, so no one is going out there now. Maggie tells Aaron that she is pregnant, which I missed on the first watch until the end of the episode, and Maggie seems to come to grips with the idea that Glenn is dead as they continue to sell it. They hug, there are walkers in the background, it’s all very heartwarming.

-Jessie tries to give Sam, the youngest kid, a sandwich, but he won’t come downstairs because nothing has changed up there….basically, he won’t come downstairs because he watched his mother kill someone down there. Poor Sam, between that and Carol threatening him, someone needs to give this kid a cookie.

-Deanna is walking around outside, in the dark at night, by herself, and she’s attacked by a walker, or a Wolf that turned. I was wondering about all of the dead bodies…are they going to turn? Betsy did, this Wolf did…..shouldn’t they burn these mufuckas or something? Stab everyone in the head? Anyway, she fights it off, but she stabs it with a broken bottle repeatedly in the chest, and Rick walks up, one to the head and boom, it’s over. Mufuckas don’t learn anything in this show. Deanna is covered in blood and basically turns over the town to Rick, who insists she still needs to lead, but man, she’s not built for this, none of them are. She wonders if her vision for Alexandria was too idealistic and he says no, but it’s a lie. Yes, it was.

-Maggie and Aaron are erasing Glenn and Nicholas’ names from the wall, and Aaron jokes that his name is good for a boy or a girl. That’s when my ears perked up the first time like, uhhhhh, did I miss something?

-Spencer relieves Rosa from the lookout spot, and I forgot she was still around. She thanks him for taking out the Wolves’ truck, which helped keep the wall standing, but I can’t remember if he had much to do with it. Meanwhile, Rick rolls up on Jessie in her garage and admits to her that the others should have been back by now. They end up kissing in the least surprising thing to happen in this episode.

-Deanna walks along the wall and the walkers are banging on one side, and she bangs back because she’s ready to fight now. Yeah, okay. But as she walks away, we see (she doesn’t) that blood is leaking through, so the wall is starting to crack. Mufuckas won’t be long for Alexandria now.

I’ma say that this was the worst episode of the season so far, not because it wasn’t good, but everyone just annoyed me. The Alexandrians are too slow to figure this shit out, and I’ll be happy when the rest of them go. The Glenn thing is hanging over the show and it’s really pissing me off. And now they’re going to Daryl, Sasha and Abe next episode, while we don’t know what’s going on with Carol, so they’re doing the The Walking Dead thing where everyone is kinda split up, and that’s not when the show is at its best. With three episodes to go until the midseason break, can they get back on track? We’ll see next Sunday.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E05 – Room Service

American Horror Story has always had a problem with starting up too many storylines, because it all feels rushed when they’re tryna wrap it up. Hotel is starting to fall to the same problem, and a couple more get added in “Room Service”, which was all over the damn place. Let’s go…

-We open with Alex wandering through the hospital, looking like someone who, well, just turned into a vampire. She checks her temperature, which is at a solid 75.5 F, which isn’t normal….well, it is if you’re a vampire. She heads into the room of the little boy who has the measles, but now he has a staph infection and is on the verge of dying. All Alex wants is a damn meal, and she looks at the kid and his mom like they’re lunch, but she tells the mother that she’ll keep trying. If I were the mother, I’d be like, ummmmm… sure you’re OK? Because you kinda look like actual death.

-Next thing you know, Alex is in a room, going to town on bags of blood and one of our viewing party called the hospital, “a McDonalds for vampires”, which was pretty good. Sucks for everyone that needed blood transplants, but these things happen. Then she comes up with a plan: Alex takes her blood and injects it into the kid’s (Max is his name) IV, and he starts to have a seizure before opening his eyes…..and credits. Great. Inject the kid with vampire blood. Nothing could go wrong…….right?

-Donovan shows up at Ramona’s house with a strung-out Iris, who if you remember, was also turned by her son. Ramona isn’t happy about him showing up with her, but Donovan has a plan: Iris will be the mole on the inside at the hotel, Ramona is a little hesitant, but eventually agrees, and that’s fine. But the star of this scene? The posters on Ramona’s wall of her movies, Slaughter Sister and Bride Of Blackenstein. Slaughter Sister isn’t a real movie (but I REALLY want it to happen, someone send that shit to Tarantino) and neither is Bride Of Blackenstein, but Blackenstein is an actual movie that I saw a long time ago. I really recommend you watch it. It’s a hot piece of shit, dogg. Like, hot steaming garbage in the middle of the summer. But it’s worth it for the hilarity.

-Alex returns to Max’s room and he is gone, and she’s like, oh shit, but he brought back by a nurse and his mother, and he looks as good as new. Everyone is shocked by his quick recovery and they start the paperwork for his release, but at the end of the scene, his mom looks at Alex like, something ain’t right with this woman. But she’s not looking a gifthorse in the mouth because her son is okay. I can respect that.

-Iris shows up at the hotel, looking like stir-fried shit, and Liz knows what is good right away. He takes her to the bar and gives her a blood/Triple Sec martini to take the edge off, but he reminds Iris that she has to start feeding regularly to keep this under control. She starts going on about how invisible women are as they get older, and I really don’t know what she is talking about because AHS has never been a show with great writing, but Kathy Bates be actin’, bruh.

-Max is dressed like a pirate, so I assume it is still Halloween in these streets, but before he catches the school bus, he has a light breakfast: his mom. So does that mean she is a vampire now, too? Anyway, he goes to school and there is a party, and he takes his little friend into a closet to explain to her that he had the measles. But they go in to kiss, and it’s a little uncomfortable because, well, these mufuckas look like they’re in elementary school. I have no qualms with him biting her lip so he can taste her blood, but it’s all a little weird; it’s very sexualized for young children. You have to keep moving your moral goalposts for AHS, because they’re always gon’ do something to shock you. Anyway, the teacher wanders into the closet and is like, the fuck y’all doing, and Max slices her shit up. Meanwhile, the rest of the class gets sick because Max has been tainting their food, and then a principal or something walks in and he gets fucked up, too. The SWAT team is called into the school and the kids escape, but Max concocts a story about getting attacked and everyone sticks to it. It’s a very strange scene all around, and now I’m like, am I supposed to care about the child-vampire army? Is this another thing? Isn’t there enough going on already?

-Meanwhile, John is telling his boss what happened to him with the serial-killer party and all that, and dude is looking at him like he is absolutely insane. He knows it sounds crazy, but he stakes his reputation on it and his boss is like, your reputation ain’t shit, bruh. He fires John, who hands in his gun, and I don’t care. Honestly, if they got rid of John and started the child-vampire thing, I’d be okay with that.

-Iris is at the hotel, tryna get back to life, when in walk a man and a woman looking for a room. The man is named Justin and played by Darren Criss, who I learned was on Glee, so that makes sense with the whole Ryan Murphy thing. He and his lady are apparently in the social-media business and they want a room because Will Drake owns the hotel, and their job is basically to be a pair of hipster assholes, which they play quite well. They’re very demanding and driving Iris crazy, but meanwhile, she’s trying to put Elizabeth and Tristan off her scent as they walk through the lobby, looking all fancy, and they notice that Iris is nervous. Tristan is actually smelling her and they know something is up, but Iris chalks it up to Halloween nervousness, which, sure, I guess that could be a thing. I don’t how you get nervous about anything after working in this hotel, but who am I to ask questions? Even Liz is looking like, they gotta know, b.

-Then Justin calls downstairs to try and get room service, and he wants some grilled romaine lettuce and other bullshit that this place obviously wouldn’t have, so he orders Iris to call and get it delivered. Didn’t take long, but I can’t wait until these mufuckas get their faces eaten. Oh, and they wanted pate, so Liz puts some cat food on a silver platter because fuck them, that’s why. Anyway, Liz and Iris start talking and Iris says something about not being homophobic, to which Liz states that he’s not gay and Iris is confused… we get Liz’s backstory FINALLY.

-Liz was a married man from Topeka, and he only married this woman because of her dress size. He would go away on business trips and when his colleagues would go out to strip clubs, he would stay in his room and dress like a woman. He got champagne ordered to his room and someone leaves it outside, but we never see who it is and I’m interested to see who it was. But he turns around and Elizabeth is behind him, telling him that his blood smells like a woman. He starts to cry and says that he is ugly, so Elizabeth offers him a life as a goddess and does his makeup for him so they can go out on the town. He’s not ready for all that yet, so Elizabeth tells him to go get some ice and of course, he runs into his coworkers, who start calling him a fag and wondering if they got AIDS from sharing a Sprite because yo, it was the 80s and mufuckas didn’t know any better. Actually, mufuckas still don’t know any better, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation. Anyway, Elizabeth pops up and slices their throats, and Liz Taylor, as he is now know, stays at the hotel. He sent his family money until his kids turned 18. So…..his wife never came looking for him ever again? I have a feeling we’ll see her by the end of Hotel and oh yeah, Denis O’Hare is getting nominated for something for this sequence. Remember where you heard it first.

-He also tells Iris that she should teach the hipsters a lesson, and she takes the cat food and a bottle of wine upstairs. They continue to complain, although they say that the “pate” is decent, and they bitch and they bitch, until Iris snaps and stabs ol’ girl in the neck with a corkscrew, and then gets Justin with a knife, all the while yelling about how they don’t know anything outside of their sheltered lives. Then she drinks their blood because, well, why not? Can’t let that shit go to waste. They got what was coming to them.

-John wakes up in bed with Sally, and he doesn’t remember any of it, so Sally tells him what happened and he was like, nah, you gotta go, so of course, she flips because women aren’t fans of that. But while we get a flashback of the sex, we see Rapey McDrillbit behind him for a flash of a second and he’s like, WHOA…..but goes back to the sex, because SEX. Anyway, she says some shit about this being real and it’s destiny that they should be together. He’s a killer, dogg. He has to be. She knows that shit when she sees it.

-Iris feels better as she and Liz push the dead hipsters down the hall and then they toss them down the chute where the bodies go. They also drink the wine that they didn’t finish. Again, can’t let shit go to waste.

-Elizabeth tells Holden to give Alex a kiss, and that it is past his bedtime, and Alex is like, huh? She wants to spend more time with him, so Elizabeth has a special gift for them: a two-person coffin where they can do whatever it is that vampires do in coffins. Alex rightly asks about what about seeing John in the hotel, but that shit is gone when she sees the coffin. They’ll figure that shit out later, I guess.

So, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy this episode of Hotel, but it’s just…, there is a lot of shit going on right now. Now we have the child-vampire army, to go with John’s relationship with Sally, his wife and son are vampires, we didn’t even see or hear about Scarlett in this episode, Ramona’s revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, who is now enjoying that vampire life, and they barely touched on that. Oh, and the Ten Commandments Killer thing. Oh, and Will Drake. And March. And will we see the serial-killer crew again? Don’t do this to yourself, American Horror Story. In a series known for a lack of focus, this might be the most unfocused joint yet. I’ll still watch, tho because if nothing else, it’s entertaining.

The Walking Dead S06E04 – Here’s Not Here

The Walking Dead knows when to take it down a notch, and after the furor of last week’s episode, “Here’s Not Here” gears down. I thought it was solid, although I’m not sure we needed 90 minutes of it. Let’s go….

-We open with Morgan staring at the camera, and he is talking to the Wolf that he captured, the one that he let go before, at least I think it’s the same one. Morgan reminds the Wolf that he wanted to take everything from Morgan, who gives him everything in the form of a story. So now we get to see why Morgan is the way he is now. I’ve been waiting for this joint.

-He is laying in the place where he was found by Rick, Michonne and Carl, and he is a mess, talking to himself, and we see the word, “CLEAR” written on the walls. “Here’s Not Here” is also written on the walls, but Morgan should be paying attention to the lantern that has fallen over, and is setting his place on fire. But after the credits, we see that Morgan has gotten out, but everything he has is gone. All he seems to have is a gun, which he is using to beat the shit out of walkers, which he then piles and burns. That has to just stink to the high heavens. Shoutout to the walker that rolled right through the fire, tho. That shit looked tight.

-As he continues to hunt walkers, two men are following Morgan, who obviously knows they’re tracking him and he fucks their entire lives up. One dude gets the end of a sharpened spear through his neck, and Morgan just chokes the life out of the other guy. He continues along his way, building another camp like the way he had before, but instead of barbed wire, he used sharpened sticks, and he uses walker blood to write “CLEAR” and “POINTLESS ACTS” on rocks and trees. We knew it before, but Morgan has lost his damn mind. But as he is hunting, Morgan hears a goat and he stumbles upon a cabin, and then he hears a voice telling him to put his gun down. Morgan is like, nah, and starts to survey the cabin, but then he gets hit upside the head and apparently, he gets outsmarted by a mufucka in a robe.

-Morgan wakes up in a cell, with tomatoes and patties of some sort, and the man walks in the room. Morgan starts pleading with the man to kill him, and this man ain’t shook at all. He gives Morgan a book called “The Art of Peace”, and we learn his name is Eastman. We also learn that the goat’s name is Tabitha. Eastman has built a makeshift fence around his cabin to keep walkers out, but they obviously hear Tabitha, so he has to kill ’em every once in a while. He does bring her in for the night, tho, and Eastman is like, you can come after me, but I fed you, don’t hurt her. Damn, Tabitha gon’ die at some point.

-Morgan is watching Eastman outside practicing with his bow staff….so that’s how he learned. He’s just in his cell, watching, while Eastman is tryna make goat cheese and it just isn’t working at all. Eventually, Eastman tells Morgan that he was a forensic psychiatrist, while Morgan tells Eastman that he clears….walkers, people, anything in his past and Eastman is like, that’s horseshit. He tells Morgan that he met one bad person on his job, and humans aren’t built to kill. That’s awful utopian of you, Eastman, and I think you’re wrong, but that is where Morgan gets this from. Morgan is also tryna figure out a way to escape, but Eastman tells him that the door to his cell has been unlocked the whole time, and Morgan is like, you gotta be kidding me. Eastman then tells him he can sleep on the couch, or he is free to leave, but Eastman doesn’t want any beef. So of course, the first thing that Morgan does is charges at him and the two fight, and he breaks what looks like a child’s drawing. Eastman gets mad, so this had to have been his daughter’s or something, and eventually gets on top, but instead of fuckin’ Morgan up, he leaves with the painting, while Morgan retreats to his cell.

-After the two cool off, Eastman tells Morgan that he learned Aikido, and he also has a rabbit’s foot that was given to him by his daughter; he got a flyer for an Aikido class right after that, so that rabbit’s foot is lucky to him. Eastman asks Morgan to watch out for Tabitha while he goes looking for stuff, and Morgan starts reading “The Art of Peace”; on the first page, we learn that the goal of Aikido to completely avoid killing at all costs, even the most evil person. Was this book written for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t think so. Anyway, he hears walkers outside and he saves Tabitha from them as she just watches them like, YEAH, YOU GET ‘EM, DOGG. I really thought he was gon’ let the walkers live. I would have been livid. So he drags the walkers into the woods like he saw Eastman do, and he finds a cemetery. Eastman takes the walkers that he kills, buries them and takes their license, so he can write their names on a cross. What a guy, bruh. I wonder how he dies?

-So then we have a montage of Eastman teaching Morgan how to use the bow staff, while he tells him about the philosophies of Aikido, which I’m not sure are true or not because I’m not looking it up, but let’s just say that it is. As they’re having dinner, Morgan asks Eastman why he has a cell, and Eastman tells him a story of the one bad person he met at his job, a psychopath named Wilton, who was up for parole, but Eastman advised against it. So Wilton broke out of jail and killed Eastman’s family for no other reason than to fuck his life up. Eastman made the cell with the intention of kidnapping Wilton and starving him to death, but he didn’t because all life is precious. Man, that’s some ol’ bullshit. He is about to die in the stupidest way.

-Eastman wants to go looking for supplies and Morgan is like, hey, I had a campground before you hemmed me up, so they go out there to grab that shit. Eastman asks Morgan the names of those he lost, so that would be his wife Jenny and his son Duane. Morgan didn’t have the heart to shoot Jenny, who then ate Duane (or something like that) so that’s a major reason why he was the way he was. He starts to get all choked up and Eastman tells him to practice his Aikido; Morgan doesn’t want to, but Eastman insists. Just then, a walker emerges, and it’s the man that Morgan choked to death in the woods. Morgan freezes and Eastman pushes him out of the way, but in the process of killing the walker, he gets bit, of course. Morgan freaks out and says it wasn’t for Eastman to do, and then he yells “not here”, which I assume was about the impromptu Aikido practice. Eastman replies with, “here’s not here”. Man, if you don’t get outta here with your fake-deep bullshit.

The Badlands and The Preacher look terrible. This Fear The Walking Dead Flight 462, however, I’m in. They can keep that shit rollin’.

-Morgan is back to hunting, and he rolls up on a walker, who is creeping up on what has to be the deafest couple in the world. How are you not hearing this thing behind you? Anyway, it looks like Morgan is about to kill them, but he’s on his “All Lives Matter” shit now and lets them go. Ol’ girl gave him a can of soup and a bullet. Uhhhhhhhhh…….thanks? He gets back to the cabin and a walker is feasting on poor Tabitha, so after killing the walker, Morgan takes them both to the graveyard, where Easton is already digging. Morgan notices the name “Wilton” on one of the crosses, and Eastman tells him that he did, in fact, get his revenge on Wilton by starving him, but he didn’t get peace from it. But yo… got it, tho. Good for you, buddy.

-Eastman also realizes what needs to be done, and we can deduce that he was digging his own grave. He tells Morgan where his gun is and tells him that there is enough at the house for him to survive, but he’ll be alone. He then gives Morgan the rabbit’s foot, which is what we first saw when Morgan reappeared in “Conquer“, the Season 5 finale. So after he kills and buries Eastman (which we don’t see), Morgan wanders down the tracks and sees the sign for Terminus, and that is that.

-The dude from the Wolves is like, man, that was a good story and all, and I’m happy you think I can be saved, but I got bit or scratched or some shit, and I’ma kill all y’all mufuckas. So what does Morgan do? Closes the door, locks it and walks out. SOOOOOO……who is this Wolf gon’ kill? Is it Morgan? One of the Alexandrians? Because he’s going to turn, and he’s going to kill. DOGG, HE JUST TOLD YOU HE WOULD. THE FUCK ARE WE TALKIN’ ABOUT HERE?

-Just then, Morgan hears Rick yelling to open the gate, so that’s where we should pick next week, I think.

This was an excellent piece of character development for Morgan, even though I don’t agree with any of it; at least we now know what happened to turned him into Gandhi. But again, the shit is maddening because nice people aren’t going to get through in The Walking Dead. Eastman tried to help Morgan and he died. Morgan is letting these mufuckas live, and they’re going to kill people. He couldn’t kill Jenny and she ended up eating their son. Mufuckas won’t learn, b. That’s why I’m with Rick: kill everything, figure it out later. If you die in the process, shit happens.

But again, overall, a very good episode. Lennie James kills it, as usual, and YOOOOOOOOOOO…….Eastman is played by John Carroll Lynch, who played Twisty The Clown on American Horror Story: Freak Show and John Wayne Gacy in this week’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. Well played. The episode didn’t need to be 90 minutes, but it didn’t feel like it dragged a lot. Good job, The Walking Dead. Season 6 has been pretty damn good so far.