The Walking Dead is almost at the midseason point as “Heads Up” answered a few questions about some things that happened earlier this season. Not only was that a big ol’ crock of horseshit, but I found a couple more things to hate about this show. Will I continue watching? Obviously. But I’ma be mad about it. Let’s go…..
-So, the shit opens going back to “Thank You“, aka the Glenn episode and we pick up with walkers buffeting their way all over Nicholas. I’m not describing it, y’all watched what happened. So, here are my issues with this fuckery:
a) Walkers are just grabbing at Nicholas, but you mean to tell me that they don’t grab on to Glenn? Not a fingernail? Not a scratch? Nothing? Like they can’t tell that another warm body is right underneath the one they’re eating? WORD?
b) So fine, he gets away from that. He manages to slide under the dumpster and walkers are tryna get at him? Not one walker can touch him? They’re grabbing at his hair and all that shit. NOT ONE WALKER CAN TOUCH HIM? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.
c) Fine, he stays under the dumpster for an entire night. Where did these walkers go? They decided they needed to be somewhere else? They’re like, well, can’t reach him, guess I’ll just give up and try something else? NAH. Their whole mission is to eat and when there is something right there, they’re not leaving until they get it. But this is what we’re doing now? Zombies giving up on food that is right there in front of their fucking faces? COOL.
d) How long was Glenn underneath the dumpster? Wiki says days, but we see one scene where it has gone to nighttime, so are we supposed to believe that he was under there for days? If you’re gon’ try and pull some fuck shit like this, for the love of God, make it believable.
-Yeah, I said “believable” in a show about zombies. Be mad about it.
-Look, I love me some Glenn. Little Pizza Boy is one of my favorite characters. But him coming back is the biggest bunch of bullshit that The Walking Dead has tried to feed us, and they’ve served up some shit sammiches in its day. People love characters to come back…..nah, bruh. Just die already and move on with the fucking story. And also, I could have spent another 500 words on this section, just so you know.
-So then, he manages to get from under the dumpster that he has been under for either 12 hours or 12 weeks, who the fuck knows….and there is Enid with a bottle of water. Just happens to be on top of a building with water like someone standing on the sidelines at a marathon. Sure. Fine. And not only that, she throws the bottle in a puddle of blood and entrails. Jesus. Anyway, he chases her, she tells him Alexandria was attacked, but still runs away and Glenn, of course, has to chase her. Holy shit. I’m getting a headache watching this again.
-Back at Alexandria, Rick is checking out the walls and he tells Morgan he needs to talk to him about some shit later, and again he sees some blood trickling from the other side of the wall. He sees Maggie at the lookout post, where she is looking for a signal from Glenn, and I kinda feel bad for her; the only person on this show that I do feel bad for, but only for a minute. I’ll never let the shit with Beth go, speaking of shit sammiches. I’ve tried, but fuck it.
-Glenn finds David, the guy with Michonne that didn’t make it over the fence, and he turned, so Glenn stabs him in the head. But he finds the note that David wrote to his wife, the one that Michonne said he didn’t need because he would see her again, but that shit ain’t work out.
-Father Bitchass puts up a note saying there would be a prayer circle and Rick ripped that shit down with the quickness. I didn’t even notice because I was still mad from the Glenn shit. I missed a lot of shit this episode on the first go being mad at the Glenn shit. Anyway, he and Carl are taking Ron out to teach him how to shoot. Oh my, how mad y’all are gon’ be when Ron does some fuck shit like, I don’t know, shoots Carl. They set this shit up like, two episodes ago. Ron has “fuckboy” written all over his face.
-Morgan goes to Denise, but doesn’t tell her what he wants, and Rick is like, aye, come here for a second, bruh. Rick, Michonne and Carol question him about the Wolves and Morgan not killing them. Morgan throws out some “all life is precious” bullshit that he said to Daryl in “Conquer“, and that’s fine. He says that anyone can change and I get where he is coming from as we saw in “Here’s Not Here“, but come on, dogg. The dude you have caged up has been bitten….this is the one you want to save? It’s gon’ suck when he kills Morgan or worse, someone else.
-There is a sweet camera shot of the truck that rammed into the tower outside of the Alexandria walls when the Wolves showed up, and it pans over that to get to a shot of all the walkers lining up at said wall. Knowing what we know by the end of the episode, that’s pretty good….so there is one good thing that happened. Michonne and Rick are tryna come up with a plan to get the walkers away, and Michonne wants to use the Alexandria people, but Rick is like, nah, they’re stupid. Michonne tries to talk him out of it, but dammit, he’s right. That being said, I’m not sure they really have a choice. Then Deanna runs up, all happy, talkin’ about plans for expansion and Rick is like, yeah, how about we just get through this shit first? Good for her, though. At least she seems to have her wits about her again.
-Rosita is teaching the Alexandrians how to use a machete, but it’s Eugene that is the most scared out of everyone, which blows my mine. Rosita, too, because she says that being scared of dying isn’t what should scare him, it is watching your friends die after you were too scared to save him, which I think already happened with Eugene. For all the shit that he has seen and caused, Eugene still being a bitch? Why haven’t we thrown him to the walkers again? Dude ain’t even a real scientist.
-Enid is in a restaurant, but Glenn being Glenn, catches up to her and tells her he is taking her back to Alexandria. He says that Maggie wouldn’t leave her behind, but listen, Enid’s being a little snot. She doesn’t wanna come, she doesn’t wanna come, let her fend for herself and see how far that gets her. Then she has the nerve to pull a gun on Glenn? He’s like, if you don’t get that shit outta my fuckin’ face. Walks up on her and grabs that shit. She is another one that needs to go. I can’t even do a “Who Do I Want To Die” Power Rankings because the list would be too long. Let’s just say I want everyone to die but Carol and maybe, Maggie. Everyone else? Bye.
-Another week, another reminder to sit down and watch that Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462 joint. Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm, they know that dude got bit now. It’s about to be on and poppin’. That Asian lady be knowin’.
-Anyway, Glenn grabs the gun and tells Enid to bring her little ass on, while Rick is back playing carpenter at Alexandria. Tobin asks to help him, but really, the point of this scene is for him to tell Rick not to give up on the Alexandrians. He admits that they weren’t built for this, and it’s taking a while for them to wrap their heads around it, but they’ll catch on. Tobin looks like he says the N-word a lot. I don’t trust him.
-Enid kills a walker that has been cut in half, and Glenn looks at her, and she says some slick shit like, wouldn’t your wife have wanted me to kill it? Man, feed her ass to a herd or something. I’m tired of her mouth. They find some balloons, which she says will distract the walkers, and Glenn tries to say something to her, and she says something smart again. If she survives this season, I’ll be blue mad.
-Ron manages to distract Olivia so he can steal some bullets and move his fuckboy plan forward. Good job, Olivia, good effort.
-I forgot about The War For The Planet Of The Apes. That joint’s gon’ be good.
-Glenn and Enid finally get to Alexandria, where they see that it’s a zombie party outside the walls. Enid says some shit about tryna let the world die and of course, Glenn is all noble and says that’s some bullshit. Again, if she wants to go, let her go. I’d be the worst person to be in the zombie apocalypse with. You wanna go off on your own? Aight, cool.
-Rick and Tobin see Spencer tryna climb out of Alexandria with a rope that he has attached to the tower, and of course, that shit breaks and he almost gets caught by walkers. I don’t even know how he got away from them. Oh right, Tara climbs outside of the wall herself to shoot whatever walkers she can, long enough for Morgan to jump in and help Rick and Tobin pull Spencer to safety, while Michonne helps Tara back in. Rick loses it, yelling at Tara for putting her life on the line for one of the Alexandrians, which is kinda weird of him to say like, in front of them and Tara gives him the finger, which was pretty fuckin’ good. Then he yells at Spencer, whose plan was to get to a car so he could lead the walkers away, but come on, he ain’t pullin’ that shit off. Spencer even says to rick that if he had came to him with the plan, Rick wouldn’t have allowed it. And why should he? Maybe if someone else did it.
-Morgan goes to Denise and comes clean: he needs antibiotics if there are some to spare. So Morgan wants to use what medicine they have on a Wolf that has been bitten? Cool. But Carol is on the porch with Judith and when she sees Morgan and Denise walking down the street, she transforms into Killa Carol, walking down the middle of the street with Judith in tow. She goes to Jessie and is like, aye, take Judith for me for a minute, while Sam asks Carol if the Wolves were monsters. She actually asks her if you kill one of them, do you turn into a monster and Carol says something like, killing is the only way from becoming a monster. The writing leaves a lot to be desired, but basically, she’s saying kill or be killed, which is why I fucks with Carol. Anyway, she unlocks the door to Morgan’s spot and demands to know who he has in there.
-Cut to a scene of Carl walking down the street, and Ron rollin’ up behind him with a gun. Before I wrote it earlier, I knew this was happening. Go back to the joint where Ron first asked Rick to teach him to shoot. Using his mom’s vagina to get into Rick’s good graces. What a fuckboy.
-Michonne is looking at Deanna’s blueprints, while Rick is noisily hammering with Tobin, and he apologizes to Tara for yelling at her. Deanna thanks him for saving Spencer (she already thanked Tara), and asks why he did it. Rick says it is because he was her son, and she responds with “wrong answer”. Did you want the truth or not? To be fair, Rick would have really tried to save anyone that tried to do that dumb shit that Spencer pulled. That’s how Rick is wired.
-Everyone sees the balloons, including Maggie, who starts getting psyched. But then the watchtower, which we saw earlier, starts to creek and tumble over in the slowest of motions. It crashes into the wall and that can only mean one thing: the walkers are coming.
From start to finish, this was one of the most annoying and frustrating episodes in the history of The Walking Dead, mainly because of the stuff with Glenn, which I’m never gon’ like and that’s fine; I get that a lot of people do like it, I just think it’s fucking stupid. But it is what it is and I’ll be watching next week because the walkers are through the walls and the Alexandrians still aren’t ready to deal with this. That means we probably won’t get any resolution to the Carl/Ron thing, although Carl could just turn around, grab Ron’s gun and smack him like, we’ll deal with this later. The Morgan/Carol thing will have to wait, and we’re still waiting for Glenn, Daryl, Abe and Sasha to get back. I assume it’ll be 90 minutes, but I’m not looking too far ahead because, well, spoilers and y’all know how I am with that shit.
Anyway, I hate you, The Walking Dead, and you’re fucking infuriating. And I’ll be here next week.