American Horror Story: Hotel S05E06 – Room 33

The beat goes on at American Horror Story: Hotel, which threw yet another wrench into the plans of us tryna keep everything straight in this show. “Room 33” manages to tie in another season from the series, even if it’s only brief, but overall, shit is getting more weird. And in another news, water is wet. Let’s go………

-We open with a car pulling up to a house, with a young Elizabeth getting out and when the camera pans, you see that it is the Murder House and we’re in Los Angeles, way back in 1926. I say young because, well, it’s 1926, and I know she’s a vampire, but Elizabeth doesn’t look like The Countess yet. Like, she hasn’t manipulated or killed people yet. We see a picture of Dr. Charles Montgomery with his wife, Nora (played by Lily Rabe) and his son Thaddeus, and if you don’t remember that story, you should check out the AHS Wiki to refresh your memory. Elizabeth is pregnant and she was given Montgomery’s name by Margaret Gibson, and I don’t know if that name is important, but if we’re gon’ jump back and forth between seasons, I feel like we should know all the names (you’ll see why later). She is three weeks in, but damn, that looks like a big-ass baby already. He takes her to the basement to get this abortion started, and his nurse is like, uh, her temperature is 75 degrees, so Elizabeth is already a vampire at this point. Montgomery cuts out the fetus and tells the nurse to get rid of it, but the fetus jumps up and fucks ol’ girl up, and Montgomery is lookin’ like, well ain’t this some shit. So he does what any doctor would do: gives it to Elizabeth and tells her it’s a boy. I would have set it on fire, but hey, I’m no doctor.

-John is asleep in his room, I don’t know how, and he wakes up to Holden, who gets up and runs out, so he obviously follows him. He is led to the room of coffins, and he sees Alex laying in one, and does what anyone would do: faints. Then we get into a sex scene and it takes a minute to figure who it is…..it’s Tristan and Liz, After they’re done, he gives Tristan books by Bronte and Wilde, and I’m assuming the Wilde joint is Dorian Gray, but I’d love to know which Bronte (Charlotte or Emily) book he gave him, because I’m a nerd. The two talk about falling in love together and Liz is wary of what Elizabeth will think because she freed him to be himself, but Tristan (who seems dumb as a Ben Carson supporter) thinks they’ll be aight. Oh, Tristan.

-MORE SEX! This time it is Elizabeth and Will, who can’t keep it up because Elizabeth isn’t a man, so she hits Tristan with the “CUM UP” text. FX got their HBO on this week, there was talk about cocks and cumming and naked ass and whatnot…..they don’t care anymore. Speaking of not caring, Elizabeth brings up Tristan to get Will going, and Tristan is like, I’m not gay, and she’s like, I don’t care, b. So if you’re fuckin’ with Elizabeth, you might gotta be a fluffer at some point.

-Alex runs down to the lobby to tell Liz that John knows about the coffin room, so she drugged him to keep him out until they figure out a plan. That plan? Destroy everything. John wakes up and Alex (not looking like a vampire) tells him that he called her and started telling her the same story that Scarlett did, about coffins and all kinds of wild shit. He runs down to the room and discovers that everything is gone, and there is a good chance he’s crazy. I mean, he is….but that shit really happened. Unless all of this is in his imagination. If it is, fuck this show, b.

-Elizabeth is walking down the hall in a flowing dress as she has been known to do, and she goes into Room 33, where she picks up her baby out of a crib. She says goodbye and that she is returning with enough money that she’ll never have to leave him again. Why doesn’t she just kill Will and take all his shit? Why am I coming up with logical solutions for a vampire?

-Ramona and Donovan strut through the hotel lobby and look at Iris, who can’t be bothered. Ramona wants to kill the vampire children, but Donovan feels some kinda way about it and she calls him a pussy…..she’s not wrong, but I guess he watched the children grow or whatever it is that vampire children do. She goes down to the coffin room to no coffins, and Iris follows her with a gun, and Ramona is like, there’s something different about you. Iris is still high off killing the hipster assholes in the last episode, and she has a gun, so she’s ready to put in that work.

-Meanwhile, Donovan goes up to Elizabeth’s room and sniffs her panties because he’s not creepy or anything. Since she isn’t there, he leaves and runs into the blond girls from the first couple of episodes, and they ask him how they get out. Donovan is like, there is no getting out…..you have to find a purpose. He tells them the story of Cara, who is played by the larger lady who Evan Peters was tryna fatten up even more in Freak Show, and she killed herself, decomposing into the hotel’s water system. Her purpose was apparently to terrorize people, and she popped up behind some old man and choked the shit outta him. So they can find a purpose, but they can never really leave; he lost his purpose when Elizabeth kicked him out, ol’ sucka for love ass.

-Ramona goes to Room 33 and starts calling for the baby, named Bartholomew and I swear we have heard that somewhere in AHS before. She hunts him and finds him, but he throws a ball to distracts her and gets outta the room. I forgot about this, but in Murder House, there was a baby that threw a ball to distract people. Shoutout to our viewing-party text thread, because I forgot all about that.

-Liz walks by Room 33 and notices that the door is open, and she’s like, OH SHIT. She tells Alex about it and that they need to find this thing before Elizabeth comes back from Paris or shit will go down. Then she finds Ramona at the bar, and gives her an ice pack for her eye and a glass of wine. The two seem to be cool from back in the day, but Liz is like, you gotta leave before Elizabeth gets back because, well, y’all hate each other. But Liz is cool enough with Ramona to tell her about Tristan, and Ramona hits that “spill the tea”, which was pretty good. Liz thinks they’ll be alright and Elizabeth will understand the whole love angle, and Ramona tells him to run away with Tristan because Elizabeth is crazy. Love doesn’t mean a thing in American Horror Story. Love will get your ass killed.

-Alex finds the blond girls in a room, along with a bloody body and they recount the story of how they found this tourist, who got freaked out when the other blond girl showed up in the middle of the sex. He thinks they’re tryna stick him for his paper as prostitutes, but bruh, that’s the least of your worries. He goes to the bathroom and get stabbed the fuck up, and Alex is like, you don’t have to kill people, just their minds, and points them in the direction of dear John, who has always wanted a threesome, she says.

-Meanwhile, John shows up at another murder scene from the Ten Commandments Killer, and a pastor has been stuffed with coins until he exploded. He is told that they don’t need him and remember, he has been fired. So, how did he know about the murder scene? Oh yeah…….BECAUSE HE DID THAT SHIT. He says he has a police scanner, but I don’t care. He did that shit.

-He goes back to the hotel and Liz finds him drunk in the hallway, and she wants to take him back to his room to let him sleep it off, but he wants to have his breakdown his way. Wonderful. Just then, the blond girls come around the corner and they all head back to his room. This ranks as the, what, second or third-bloodiest orgy this season, but they stab him and he jumps up to run down to the lobby, covered in blood, Lord knows whose blood. He and Liz go up to the room, where Miss Evers is just tryna clean the sheets, God bless her heart. James March shows up and says he’s finally starting to really fit in at the hotel, but John rushes him and he vanishes. This is what it takes for John to be like, I’m fuckin’ outta here, b, and he starts to pack, but he should probably shower the blood off first. As he is in the shower, Bartholomew the baby gets into his suitcase. Good grief.

-John goes and picks up Scarlett, who is wondering where her mother is because she hasn’t spoken to her in two days, and why John is staying there since it isn’t his house anymore. He goes to his room and opens his suitcase, but leaves again and Bartholomew gets out, throwing his shit everywhere and John is like, lemme grab this gun from the closet. Scarlett is crying in her room because her entire family is fucking crazy, and John is holding a bloody shirt, which doesn’t help matters. He finds Bartholomew in the kitchen, which is right next to Scarlett watching TV and when he fires his gun, she freaks out. That’s some good tunnel vision….how in the hell did she not see him standing there with the gun? You know what? Fuck it, bruh. This shit is insane.

-Back at the hotel, Elizabeth has returned with Will and his son, and she runs into Liz, who wants to tell her about Tristan. Elizabeth offers to pay for her transgender surgery and Liz is like, cool, but I’m in love with Tristan. Elizabeth is like, I don’t share and Liz starts begging, and Elizabeth says they’ll talk about it later. Oh, this won’t end well. Liz even said that earlier.

-Meanwhile, John’s partner drops Alex off at the house and is like, you better watch him and she’s like, I got it, bruh. She asks him to take Scarlett to her grandmother’s again and Scarlett looks at her like, there is something up with you, dammit. Me, personally? Grandma has something to do with this. Is Grandma Jessica Lange? I know she said she wasn’t coming back, but I don’t believe shit coming from this show. Keep an eye on that. She finds John at the house, and he has figured out that she is living at the hotel, and she tries to brush it off, but he locks her out of her own house. Then Alex hears something in the bushes….and it’s our old friend Bartholomew.

-Elizabeth gathers Tristan and Liz in a room, and tells them that she isn’t a fan of betrayal. Tristan gets his chest all puffy and goes into this spiel about how she loves to control people, bringing them back and keeping them under her thumb before getting rid of them. Elizabeth is like, yo, Liz, you want him? He’s yours, and slices his throat with her nail. She tells him to bury Tristan. Yeah, that was never going to go well, Tristan. You know how petty Elizabeth is. But he’ll probably be back because, American Horror Story. Does anyone truly die?

-Elizabeth goes to Room 33 and finds Alex with Bartholomew, and Alex tells the story of how she found him, a little less blood, but he’s alright. Elizabeth thanks her for saving Bartholomew, while Alex does the same for Elizabeth saving Holden, and it’s all fine and good. Elizabeth is cradling Bartholomew, and we finally get to see him: he has a cleft palate, his face is deformed and grey, he doesn’t have a nose and he has sharp teeth, good for biting. Basically, he’s all fucked up. Jody in the text chat hit that “#gerberbaby” joint and it was the highlight of the damn episode. Well done, my man. Well done.

So now, we have Bartholomew added in the mix. We didn’t see any of Sally, so she’ll probably be in next week’s episode. Alex and Elizabeth are forming quite the team, while Liz might join the Ramona/Donovan/Iris revenge team, if I had to guess. And dammit, Scarlett and her grandmother have something to do with all this. We’re only halfway through Hotel: keep up, or you’ll get left behind, because they’re not done adding shit yet.

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