If nothing else in its history, The Walking Dead has shown that they can do two things: they’re great at finales, whether it be midseason or end-of-season, and they’re great at premieres. They’re especially good when venturing into the ridiculous, and in six and a half seasons, this might have been the most ridiculous of the bunch….and it was fan-fucking-tastic. Let’s go….
-It really all kicked off with the first scene, when Daryl, Sasha and Abe get stopped by that group. So, listen, I know y’all love Daryl, but are we gon’ act like he just yoked that dude up without making any noise, and then pulls out a fuckin’ rocket launcher, again, without making any noise? And that’s when I knew it was about to be some greatness on deck. At no point did I think anyone in that trio was in danger.
-Rick, Jessie, their kids, Michonne and Father Bitchass were walking through the herd covered in walker guts, when Rick decided that instead of going to the armory, they were going to get their vehicles at the quarry to lead the herd away. A few things here: Father Bitchass says he’ll take Judith to safety, and I guess he really didn’t have a choice, but Rick was like, cool, take my kid. But furthermore, and this pops up later: we’re just having a conversation in the midst of a herd? Zombies got ears, bruh. They can hear you. Sam won’t leave his moms, though. Even though that’s the best-case scenario for everyone, but more on that later.
-Tara wants to run out all willy-nilly and save Denise from the Wolf, but Rosita is like, man, if you don’t sit your ass down somewhere before we get ate up. This might have been the most sense that anyone made in this episode, they had one gun and two bullets or something. Meanwhile, a concussed Killa Carol grabs said gun to check the house for Wolf Man and Denise, but someone needs to sit her ass down. Send her to the dark room or something. Wolf Man and Denise are long gone, but they’re not too far away, they’re hiding from some walkers and he’s looking at her like a creep, like, even more creepy than he was when being held captive by Morgan. Again, we’ll get to that later.
-Then we’re back to Glenn and Enid, who manage to find a church to look for supplies, and Glenn goes on about her dead parents still being with her. This Glenn/Enid tag team needs to get the fuck on somewhere. Feed her to the walkers, bruh. But true to form, they do find a gun, which ends up coming in handy.
-Now to the best part: Rick and ’em are still walking through the herd, and Sam sees a little boy who has been turned. Then he starts to hear Killa Carol in his head, when she threatened him about tying him to a tree and no one will hear him scream. She had him so shook, and everyone was tryna get him to get moving, and then BAM……a walker takes a bite out of his head like a Chips Ahoy cookie. Seriously, I might be terrible, but I had to rewind it back to see Jessie get eaten because I was laughing so damn hard. I knew he was going to get someone killed, but he got his moms killed, and he got his bitchass brother killed because he got mad and went to shoot Rick, but Michonne hit him with the katana and let the walkers have him. But when he went to shoot Rick, he actually shot Carl in the damn eye. Rick went kinda catatonic, but he was at last smart enough to cut off Jessie’s arm because she wouldn’t let go of Carl’s hand as she was getting eaten anyway. Oh man. This was the best. That family wasn’t built for this. And yo, I was actually worried for Carl (or Coral, depending on how Andrew Lincoln says it). I’ve grown to like him, he has had to grow up a lot during this show. If Ron wasn’t a dickbag, Carl could have taught him some shit. But nah, he had to be a Big Mac meal for the walkers.
-The Wolf Man is tryna lead Denise through a gap in the herd, but he gets bitten on the arm, so she tries to take him to the infirmary because these people are hellbent on saving him for some reason. Not Killa Carol, though. She tells Morgan that she should have killed him, which would have led to her killing Wolf Man. Morgan tells her that she couldn’t have killed him, and I don’t care that he powerbombed her in the last episode, my long-run money is still on her. Killa Carol is crafty, and she’ll wait until you’re sleeping. Skip forward to Wolf Man and Denise heading to the infirmary, but Killa Carol snipes him from the balcony of the townhouse. See? She’ll win somehow, dammit. But Denise runs to the infirmary anyway, where Heath (Dr. Dre from Straight Outta Compton), Spencer and Aaron are chillin’.
-There, Rick arrives with Carl and Michonne, and Denise tries to go to work on saving Carl. Rick loses his damn mind and runs outside, in the midst of 7,000 walkers with a hatchet, not even a fuckin’ axe, a hatchet. I get you are mad about your son, and everything that just happened with Jessie and ’em, but come on, bruh, you’re ready to risk it all? Luckily, Michonne has his back, and she runs out to help, along with Heath and Spencer, and then Carol and ’em see him making his stand. And then everyone else comes out of the bushes, like Father Bitchass and Eugene even puttin’ in work. Morgan even kills the Wolf Man, who has since turned, and I didn’t think he actually killed him, but Wiki says he did, and Wiki is never wrong…..right? RIGHT? RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.
-Meanwhile, Glenn and Enid get to Maggie, who is still on top of the tower, and I don’t know what his plan is, other than to draw the walkers to him. But I think he got to a point where he was super surrounded and was like, shit, I didn’t think this through at all. But of course, because he’s fuckin’ Glenn, Abe and Sasha show up out of nowhere and start mowing the walkers around him down. And now as I’m watching it again…..how do NO BULLETS hit Glenn? He’s literally surrounded by them. Holy fuck, WHY WON’T GLENN DIE?
-And then, the scene to end it all: instead of leading the walkers away with the fuel truck like Glenn suggests, Daryl has another plan: he takes fuel from the truck and puts it into a lake, which I’ve never seen before, and shoots the rocket launcher at the lake to create a giant lake of fire, and then the walkers leave the fight and wander into the lake. Goddamn. The Walking Dead does ridiculous right, and if you’re gon’ go all out, go all out. Anyway, the episode ends with everyone sitting around in a pile of walker corpses, while Rick is with Carl, talking about how he underestimated the Alexandrians, but they’re gon’ rebuild the community and Carl squeezes his hand.
I stand by my statement that The Walking Dead isn’t good. The writing can be atrocious (go back to every scene between Denise and the Wolf Man), and the acting leaves a lot to be desired. But holy shit, when it comes to being entertaining, when it’s on its game, there aren’t many shows that are as entertaining as this one and for the most part, that’s all you can ask fo. But now, people are gon’ be mad because the next three episodes will be dealing with the fallout, which means no zombie killin’ parties. And I assume the next big baddie will be Negan, who won’t be impressed that Daryl and ’em killed his crew. Welcome back, The Walking Dead. You’ve been missed.