The X-Files Miniseries – Babylon

The X-Files reboot has been generally pretty on point. The first episodes were definitely fire, the third was strange, but a throwback to the first run of the show, and the fourth was, for my money, the best of the bunch. So they would keep rolling with “Babylon”, right? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP. This recap won’t be long, because I don’t have much to say, not much good, anyway.

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-I’ll start with the pairing of Mulder and Scully….er, Miller and Einstein. First off, why Einstein? Of all the names you could have given Bootleg Scully, why Einstein? She was far too snarky for follow in Scully’s shoes, and while Scully was skeptical of Mulder when they started, she was never that bad. Einstein is just annoying. And Miller had all the personality of a rag dipped in chloroform. Listen, just let Mulder and Scully cook. The show went downhill when Reyes and Doggett were added. The X-Files is Mulder and Scully, with Skinner and the rest as supporting cast. Don’t mess with this. Because I’m not watching if the next miniseries is Miller and Einstein.

-I knew this was not going to be pretty when it started with the whole Muslim terror cell thing. I’m pretty skeptical on this being used as a device anyway, because it’s hard to do it right, without coming off as insanely racist. Actually, that’s impossible, but it’s important to a show like Homeland, where it has always been a part of the plot. This just seemed contrived and not handled well at all. Really, the best part of it was the makeup on homeboy in the hospital. They made his head concave and shit. I don’t know, man. None of it sat well with me. And thanks for telegraphing that the nurse was shady and up to no good when the FBI agents left, and she turned off the life-support machine. Wasn’t hard to see that coming.

-Oh, and then the Mulder-on-mushrooms sequence. On paper, I bet this was a really good idea. Then they filmed it and was like, well, we gotta turn this in. That was ridiculous. More ridiculous than anything I’ve ever seen in a show about aliens. It went about five minutes too long and it didn’t expose anything to me, even when the bomber “spoke” to Mulder. We didn’t need to see him line-dancing to “Achy Breaky Heart”. There wasn’t even any point in having the Lone Gunmen come back, although it was nice to see them. But the four-finger rings, the line-dancing, getting whipped by Smoking Man, the length of the sequence…..and then the fact that was a damn placebo? Jesus. I get the idea. The execution was terrible.

-Then there was the end of the episode, where Mulder was at the house of, I think, Sveta, who “died” when her car was blown up. Scully got out there and they had a conversation about….well, remember when I said they should have conversations like this every episode? Not so much. Chris Carter can reach a certain level of pretentiousness, and then depend on David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson to make it sound normal. And they tried, God bless their hearts. Even listening to it a second time, I didn’t care. Maybe I was just tired after the rest of the episode.

This was bad. Like, really bad. And that’s fine. One bad episode out of five is a pretty solid ratio with all the bullshit that is on television right now. But I rolled my eyes no less than 37 times during “Babylon”, and it was all just ridiculous. I think I’m bothered by it because they have just six episodes to do this; in a ten-episode run, this wouldn’t be as bad, but they wasted a crucial hour with this, although I know a couple people that thought last week was a filler episode. Oh well….on to the finale, which seems to be a continuation/conclusion to the first two episodes. I hope it’s good, because “Babylon” might have been the worst thing to hit TV since the Glenn fiasco on The Walking Dead.

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