Monthly Archives: April 2016

Game Of Thrones S06E01 – The Red Woman

The King is back. Not one of the many kings that have been killed on Game Of Thrones (three by my count, and it might be two because I don’t think the one from last season is dead….and if I want to find out, I’ll do it myself), but the show itself. It has been the best show on television since Breaking Bad ended, with the exception of maybe Mad Men, because no show mixes brilliant acting and writing with utterly nonsensical things as well as GOT does. Season 6 launches right into it with “The Red Woman”, and this recap will be a little different than most because, well, I’m on a plane and I don’t have the luxury of Wi-Fi. Shoutout to the GOT Wikia for its assistance, so instead of scene-by-scene, it’ll be storyline-by-storyline, and I’ll go back to the normal way next week. Also, if I have to tell you that you shouldn’t watch GOT on a plane, at 7:30 am, I ain’t got nothin’ for ya. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start with Theon and Sansa, another example of something that GOT does, that might get overlooked because of dragons and rapes and all the brutal shit that happens. They’re really good at pairing together characters that don’t seem like they should go well together, and they do, or characters you don’t like (or care about). Jon and Sam; Arya and the Hound; Brienne and Pod and now, Theon (or Reek or whatever the hell you wanna call him), and Sansa, who were last seen escaping Winterfell after killing Myranda. They’re running and running through snow, and Sansa looks miserable and she wants to stop, but Theon is like, nah, b, trust…..if they catch us, you’ll literally wish you were dead. Shit, Theon has wished he was dead for the last season and a half.

The army and the hounds finally catch up to them, and Theon is like, I’ll lure them away, and does the worst job ever. But just when it looks like they’re going back to Winterfell (which, remember, is where Sansa grew up and Theon was a squire for her father), Brienne rolls up outta nowhere with Pod da Gawd, who can apparently fight now after bumbling through most of last season. Brienne takes a hit, but that ain’t stoppin’ her, and after everyone is dead, she, again, pledges to protect Sansa and I thought it was funny that Sansa couldn’t remember her part of all that “old gods and new” shit. Sansa was raised to be a woman of nobility, but she has been so far removed from that, even though she was almost the damn Queen and is now, technically, the lady of Winterfell. Anyway, the four are now off, and two things: Sansa’s storyline is #2 in terms of what I’m most looking forward to now, and what happen to Littlefinger? Second, does she really want Brienne looking after her? Things don’t usually work out well, shoutout to Renly, Catelyn and I think there is someone else. Not necessarily her fault, but hey, bad luck is bad luck.

-Ramsay looks kinda distraught about Myranda dying, and said that she wasn’t afraid of him when everyone else was. But when it comes time to figure out what to do with the body, he says to feed her to the dogs and honestly, that’s probably as emotional as Ramsey gets. Hell, Myranda was a crazy dog lady, maybe she would have wanted that. Then he hollas at his pops, Roose, who tells him that destroying Stannis and his little army doesn’t mean shit without Sansa, and if he doesn’t get her, hell, maybe Roose’s unborn child will be a boy, and the next heir. Ramsay is only tryna get his father’s love and respect……and I feel awful for that baby, because it’s (and the mother) not making out of this in one piece. Oh, and Stannis was who I was talkin’ about in the intro. We didn’t see it. I don’t believe it.

-Arya is a blind beggar when the Waif rolls up on her with sticks, throws one to Arya, WHO CAN’T FUCKING SEE. The Waif beats the everlovin’ hell outta Arya, and then says they’ll do it again tomorrow. A small piece of me wants to think the Waif is training her, but the larger part thinks she’s just being an asshole and eventually, Arya will get her.

-Varys and Tyrion are walking the streets of Meereen, and Tyrion’s terrible Valryian is the best part of the episode as he tells a poor woman he wants to eat her baby, when he wants to give her money to feed her baby. The people aren’t as happy with Dany as they were, and she’s not even around anymore, so Varys and Tyrion are tryna figure out how they can stop this. From what I’ve heard about Scandal, this is basically that, with dragons and poor people. Then they roll up on a crowd running away from something, and instead of running with them (which is something Y’ALL do…..you know what I’m talkin’ about), they run towards the danger to see burning ships. These Sons of the Harpys are still a problem in these streets.

-Daario and Jorah, yet another odd couple (not really all that odd as they both appear to be shady and they both love Dany), are out searching for Dany, and they find her trail via a burned ram. Then, Jorah looks around at all the hooves and figures out the Dothraki were here….and he finds that ring that Dany dropped, which made me roll my eyes so damn hard. I said to my girl, like, ten seconds before it happened that he was gon’ find that fuckin’ ring. How? WHY? And yes, in a show with dragons and ghosts and White Walkers….that’s the shit that bothers me. It doesn’t do it a lot, but it happens. Oh, and Jorah still got the greyscale, so that’s something to watch. He might just fuck around and put his wrist in Daario’s mouth because fuck it, bruh.

-Then it’s on to Dany, who is the target of some rather unsavory language (and at least one legitimate question) by the Dothraki. They take to the Khal, who is like, my wives don’t even like you, but I’ma have the sex with you, and she was like, I’m Daenerys Targaryen, first of her name blah blah blah and he’s like, I don’t give a damn if you’re the millionth of your name, this is goin’ down. But Dany explains the story of Drogo and he’s like, OH, well shit, you should have said instead of all the other shit. But when she asks to be taken back to Meereen, they’re like, uh, so there is this temple where Khal widows go to hang out for the rest of their lives…..so…..yeeeeeeeeeeah. That backfired. Dany ain’t makin’ it there, tho. Kinda want her to, at least for a little bit, but she won’t. She makes it hard for a fella to still be down with the Stormborn Gang.

-In Dorne, Ellaria looks like she is being a decent person with Doran, reminiscing over Oberyn. But nah, she stabs him in the chest after he gets a note saying what happened to Myrcella, and his giant bodyguard gets cut by one of her daughters. Apparently, the people of Dorne weren’t happy with Doran not doing anything about Oberyn, and his other guards don’t do shit. I think she’s making that shit up, but it don’t matter now and I would hope that the Dornish people realized that it was Oberyn’s own fuckin’ fault. Then the other two Sand Snakes run up on Trystane, who I thought was gone with Jaime and ’em, but I guess not. Anyway, he chooses one to fight, the other kills him and she gets called a greedy bitch. They better do something with these Sand Snakes this season.

-Cersei, which is what I’m looking forward to the most, is chillin’ and surely contemplating revenge on the Sparrows, gets notified that a ship is back, so she’s like, cool, it’s Jaime and Myrcella, so at least I have that. Soooooo……..the slow change of the look on her face when she sees a body covered behind Jaime is so damn good. Cersei seems beaten down by everything, for good reason, but Jaime who is defiant and says that they’ll get everyone for all of the things. Sigh…..if only they weren’t a murderous incestuous couple. Honestly, I’d be good with a two-episode arc on Cersei and Jaime and how much shit they’re about to wreck.

-Almost forgot about Margaery, who is gettin’ that work from the giant nun who simply loves to hit people. The High Sparrow asks if she’s ready to confess and Margaery is like, I’m not perfect, he’s like, well, that’s a start. They could have given this time to Cersei. But fine, we’ll check in on that in a bit. Hell, might even be Cersei that gets her outta there.

-We have the Wall, where we opened the episode with Jon’s dead body. Davos is still there, and he finds it with a “Traitor” sign tacked above it. The dudes that were down with Jon holla at Davos and they try to think of a plan to get back at Alliser, and after a minute, they think of the wildlings. Edd goes at it alone, and then Melisandre enters with her shit about seeing Jon fighting at Winterfell, but they were in her flames and they’re all, if you don’t get the fuck outta here with that shit. Meanwhile, Alliser manages to sway the Night’s Watch on his side, saying that he killed Jon (which is treason) because he brought the wildlings in. They seem to buy it…..kinda. Then Alliser and his crew go to Davos and ’em, where they have Jon’s body, and they say that the other members will be all good to go, while Davos can have some food and be able to go south with Melisandre. However, they have to surrender by sundown and Davos is like, we’ll think about it. They don’t know that there are dudes outside with crossbows, but they have an idea that Alliser can’t be trusted.

-Then we have Melisandre, who slinks off to her room and takes off her clothes, so if you had her in the “GOT Nudity Odds”, where she was likely a decent favorite, you’re good (I’d rank it as such: Melisandre, random woman we don’t know, and pick a Sand Snake). She takes off her necklace, the gem loses its light and then we get an old, naked woman, who crawls into bed, and the episode ends. So obviously, she lost her powers somehow. Maybe because they don’t believe in her? Melisandre could always get people to believe in her, really, everyone but Davos, who has seen enough to be like, well……….maybe? But it sets up Davos to try and give her a pep talk, and then she can bring back Jon because y’all are so pressed for him to come back. Either way, it was slightly disturbing and all the way hilarious, especially reactions. For all the good nudity we’ve seen in Game Of Thrones, gotta take some bad, too. Suck it up.

Overall, it was a pretty good premiere, but pretty good for Game Of Thrones is better than like, 96% of television out there. I’ve learned not to expect too much from these premieres; there are a lot of pieces to get sorted on the chess board. But the game is moving quicker, and more happened in this premiere than most. Get your shit ready, folks.

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The Walking Dead S06E16 – Last Day On Earth

Season 6 came to an end on The Walking Dead with “Last Day On Earth”, a plodding, ominous beast of an episode. I thank my terrible attention span because I was doing other shit while it was on, which is why I wasn’t as mad as some of y’all were. Can’t be outchea being engrossed by this shit. After six seasons, y’all don’t know yet? Let’s go……

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-We open from the point of view of someone in a box, with streams of light coming in. It reminds me of when they were in the container at Terminus, so it’s pretty easy to assume it’s the dumbasses that got caught because Daryl is a shitty tracker. Morgan finds a horse, probably belonging to the person at the farmhouse. Horses don’t last long in The Walking Dead. Then we have the dude that has Carol’s rosary beads, looking like he is about to turn, and he is a better tracker than Daryl. Next, we have a man running through the woods, with some whistling going on around him. Carl argues with Enid about her coming on this mission to take Maggie to the Hilltop, to a doctor. Meanwhile, the Saviors surround the man, and Rick assembles the crew, who does a lot of talking, but I don’t pay attention.

-The Saviors tell the man they were chasing that rules were broken and people had to die because of it, so it wasn’t their fault. There isn’t much explaining of the rules, but you can bet that the rules were basically, listen to us to die. Or some version of that. Not very complex, that is for sure. Meanwhile, to get Enid not to come on the mission, Carl locks her in a closet and then tells her to just survive somehow. Bruh, you locked me in a fucking closet, how in the hell am I supposed to get out? It’s about to be that kind of episode. Mufuckas about to act real good and stupid.

-Rick lets Aaron join the group, and apparently Father Bitchass is in charge while he is gone. That sounds like it should go on the pantheon of Rick’s bad ideas. First things first….why can’t you just go and get the doctor and bring that person there? Why are you leaving Alexandria completely unattended? Everyone that is worth a damn is gone. Your best bet was pregnant Maggie.

-Gallopin’ Morgan finds Carol huddled on a stoop, and she got cut in her scuffle with the dude from last episode. The Saviors drag this poor man, who is basically a human pinata for them, into the road, and the leader says they’re making an example of him. The man asks to who since his people are all dead, and gets kicked in the back for his troubles. Rick’s group is trying to keep Maggie calm in the RV, and I forgot she cut her hair. Morgan plays doctor with Carol (not that way, pervs) so they can go back to Alexandria, but Carol doesn’t want to. Of course, Morgan is stubborn and doesn’t fucking listen to anyone, so she might as well stop fighting.

-The RV meets up with the Savior group, who are standing in the middle of the road. Rick offers to make a deal and dude is like, how about you give us your shit and we don’t kill you, and Rick is like, eh, we’ll just leave. The two go back and forth about this being one of their last day on Earth, hence the name of the episode. All I hear is Mase’s “24 Hours to Live” in the background. Round 1 goes to the Saviors, because Rick was like, we don’t want those problems.

-After commercial, we go to the box with the light streams and the heavy breathing, so this will pop up a couple more times in the episode. In the RV, Carl asks Aaron why he is here and he says he owes Maggie, while Carl says he owes the Saviors. Again, selfish motives ruining the group. At least Rick is selfish with a plan, these mufuckas are just runnin’ around all willy-nilly. Carol is telling Morgan how she cares about the group, and is willing to kill for them, but she doesn’t want to kill anymore, so she had to leave. She points a gun at him, but Carol is tired. And I get what she is saying, but man, you gotta tell them first, you know that they’re going to come after you, and here we are, with no one at Alexandria, and everybody about to die.

-Abe tells Sasha that he is ready to bring new life into the world, and she smiles at a dumb fucking idea. Are you serious? That is exactly what you need. A fucking baby in a zombie apocalypse. I thought Maggie and Glenn’s baby was a bad idea, too. But then, they run into another group of Saviors, this time, there are more of them, and they turn around as one of the Saviors busts his gun into the air. It’s probably about this point where they should be thinking of an alternate plan.

-Morgan finds a walker hanging from something and decides to kill it and cut it down. Really, bruh? Compassion for fucking zombies? I’m so done with this dude. And he left Carol, who runs away, so now he has to go find her again. What was he even doing?

-The RV gets to another roadblock, this time, with a line of walkers chained to each other, which means there was some work put into this one. Then they notice that one of the walkers has two of Michonne’s dreadlocks, and another has bolts from Daryl’s crossbow, so yeah, these people are better at this than y’all. The Saviors start shooting from the woods and the group peaces out in the RV. But they realize that the Saviors were shooting at their feet; they would be dead if they wanted them to be.

-Preview of Fear The Walking Dead: zombies in the water, and I assume that is Strand’s place that is on fire. Sure. I’ll watch this.

-The RV is starting to break down, and Rick tells Maggie (whose condition is getting worse) that they’re fine, but his faces are so good. When they get to yet another roadblock, this time, one with like, 35-40 people, his face says, oh man we are so fucked right now, Saviors outchea lookin’ like a rap-album cover from 1994.

-Meanwhile, Morgan is gallopin’ down the street and finds Carol’s beads by a freshly-killed walker. Carol is walking along and gets caught by the hurt Savior, but not before she fights off a walker and tears its face off. The hurt Savior fucks her up pretty good, and he has a gun, so he shoots her in arm, and the leg, because he wants to watch her die before he dies.

-Again, we get the box, then Rick comforting Maggie, but looking like he is going to pee himself at the thought of what is next. And I just thought of something: at this point, how do they even know that the doctor at the Hilltop (I just remembered he had that ultrasound machine because who doesn’t have an ultrasound machine?) is still alive? After meeting the Saviors, I assume everyone is dead outchea in these streets.

-Then Morgan, of course, comes out of nowhere and shoots the man all to hell and Carol is like, MOTHERFUCKER WILL YOU JUST LET ME DIE FOR FUCK SAKES. But they survive and then, well, shoutout to the homegirl Holly for this: “speaking of, who the fuck were those storm trooper dudes that Morgan met up with ?”. Mufuckas on horses dressed like Star Wars characters come around the corner, say they’ll help Morgan, mufuckas shake hands and walk off. Hahahaha the writers just don’t care anymore. And they shouldn’t. Because we’ll still watch it.

-Rick and ’em get to a big-ass log roadblock, and then the man that the Saviors are fuckin’ with, they hang him from a bridge. Aaron wants to shoot him down, but Rick says they need to conserve bullets and quite frankly, who the hell is this guy? At this point, he probably wants to die anyway. Then the logs are set on fire and the Savior from earlier says some more shit about this being the last day on Earth for someone in Rick’s group. Rick and ’em are like, man, fuck this, and peace out.

-They try to come up with a plan and Eugene says they should go on foot because they were looking for the RV. So this is the plan: Eugene drives the empty RV to lure the Saviors. Hahahaha what? And then what? Did you see how many of the Saviors there were? They’re probably watching you RIGHT NOW. HOLY SHIT. This is not gon’ end well. Eugene gives Rick the recipe for making bullets, and they all pump him up, telling him he is a survivor. What in the name of Destiny Child’s is going on here?

-The next commercial is the conclusion of Flight 462, which is a scene from Fear TWD last season as Nick looks up in the sky and sees a plane flying all screwy. He’s like, hmmm….that’s interesting. Shoutout to the flight attendant that takes her oxygen mask off and looks like she’s ready to eat.

-They put Maggie on a stretcher (WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THEY GET A STRETCHER) and leave Eugene to go and get caught. The group is walking through the woods, and they hear the whistles, and basically run right into the middle of all the Saviors, who have Eugene. They get their shit taken and they get on their knees. The box that we have been seeing all episode is actually a van, and Dwight gets out, along with Glenn, Michonne, Rosita and Daryl, who is shot, but still alive, for fuck sakes. Someone needs to explain to me why y’all love this dude so much. I really don’t get it. I never have.

-Then we get to the best part: we finally meet Negan, who has a scarf on, what is it called, an ascot? Something like that. Anyway, he also has a bat wrapped in barbed wire; so this is the Lucille that I’ve been hearing about and yup, it’s a bat wrapped in barbed wire alright. His speech rambles on, and it’s fine, after waiting this long to meet him, he can talk for as long as he wants and it’s not like anyone can say shit to him. He tells the group that they’re only still living so they can work for them, and the rules are the same that the Savior said earlier: their shit is his shit. He says “shit” a lot, which I respect as it is my favorite curse word. But Negan also says that someone has to pay because some of his men have died, and at this point, I’m like, alright, let’s do this. Glenn tries to be the big man and protect Maggie, and that shit gets shot down with the quickness. He does the eeny-meeny-miny-moe thing with the group to see who is going to get to party with Lucille, and then gets to the moe…..but we don’t see who gets it. All we see is the blood dripping down the camera, and Negan saying, you’re taking it like a champ. A couple more swings, fade to black, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd scene.

-So, people are mad about the end, but me, I liked it. I like not knowing who it is that got the business end of Lucille, and guessing throughout the off-season. I know some comic readers are going to be pressed to tell us what happens, and I’ve already read it. But the way that TWD works, you really don’t know because they’ve gone so far off the comics already. Still, don’t be a pressed asshole. We know the comics are out there and can read it ourselves if we want. No one cares, b.

-Negan was great. That was well worth the wait. He is probably already the best villain of the show so far. Yep, better than the Governor.

-The episode dragged, for sure, but AMC had to get that advertising money. Because SOMEONE has to pay to keep Better Call Saul (which is GREAT, by the way) on, and all these other new shows.

-Why are y’all are so pressed for Daryl. Is it shallow eye candy (which I approve of, shoutout to Alyssa Milano’s career)? Because he doesn’t do anything.

-I want Glenn or Daryl to be gone. Actually, anyone but Michonne.

And thus ends another season of The Walking Dead. Listen…..it’s not good. It has flashes here and there, where you can tell they really try to give the characters something good, like 2-3 episodes a season. But overall, the audience doesn’t care about those episodes and want to see death and murderkillviolence and walkers and Negan and such…..so why bother? And now people get mad at this? Psssssssh. AMC is going to do what they’re going to do, and we’re going to watch. If I were you, I’d get off the train right now because if you think it’s going to get better, it’s not. Just appreciate it for what it is, not what it isn’t. It’s frustrating, it’s entertaining, it’s a mess and we’ll watch next season because why the hell not?

That being said, I’m drawing the line at ten seasons. Unless there are dragons and nudity. Then I’m in for as long as it takes.