The King is back. Not one of the many kings that have been killed on Game Of Thrones (three by my count, and it might be two because I don’t think the one from last season is dead….and if I want to find out, I’ll do it myself), but the show itself. It has been the best show on television since Breaking Bad ended, with the exception of maybe Mad Men, because no show mixes brilliant acting and writing with utterly nonsensical things as well as GOT does. Season 6 launches right into it with “The Red Woman”, and this recap will be a little different than most because, well, I’m on a plane and I don’t have the luxury of Wi-Fi. Shoutout to the GOT Wikia for its assistance, so instead of scene-by-scene, it’ll be storyline-by-storyline, and I’ll go back to the normal way next week. Also, if I have to tell you that you shouldn’t watch GOT on a plane, at 7:30 am, I ain’t got nothin’ for ya. Let’s go……..
-Let’s start with Theon and Sansa, another example of something that GOT does, that might get overlooked because of dragons and rapes and all the brutal shit that happens. They’re really good at pairing together characters that don’t seem like they should go well together, and they do, or characters you don’t like (or care about). Jon and Sam; Arya and the Hound; Brienne and Pod and now, Theon (or Reek or whatever the hell you wanna call him), and Sansa, who were last seen escaping Winterfell after killing Myranda. They’re running and running through snow, and Sansa looks miserable and she wants to stop, but Theon is like, nah, b, trust…..if they catch us, you’ll literally wish you were dead. Shit, Theon has wished he was dead for the last season and a half.
The army and the hounds finally catch up to them, and Theon is like, I’ll lure them away, and does the worst job ever. But just when it looks like they’re going back to Winterfell (which, remember, is where Sansa grew up and Theon was a squire for her father), Brienne rolls up outta nowhere with Pod da Gawd, who can apparently fight now after bumbling through most of last season. Brienne takes a hit, but that ain’t stoppin’ her, and after everyone is dead, she, again, pledges to protect Sansa and I thought it was funny that Sansa couldn’t remember her part of all that “old gods and new” shit. Sansa was raised to be a woman of nobility, but she has been so far removed from that, even though she was almost the damn Queen and is now, technically, the lady of Winterfell. Anyway, the four are now off, and two things: Sansa’s storyline is #2 in terms of what I’m most looking forward to now, and what happen to Littlefinger? Second, does she really want Brienne looking after her? Things don’t usually work out well, shoutout to Renly, Catelyn and I think there is someone else. Not necessarily her fault, but hey, bad luck is bad luck.
-Ramsay looks kinda distraught about Myranda dying, and said that she wasn’t afraid of him when everyone else was. But when it comes time to figure out what to do with the body, he says to feed her to the dogs and honestly, that’s probably as emotional as Ramsey gets. Hell, Myranda was a crazy dog lady, maybe she would have wanted that. Then he hollas at his pops, Roose, who tells him that destroying Stannis and his little army doesn’t mean shit without Sansa, and if he doesn’t get her, hell, maybe Roose’s unborn child will be a boy, and the next heir. Ramsay is only tryna get his father’s love and respect……and I feel awful for that baby, because it’s (and the mother) not making out of this in one piece. Oh, and Stannis was who I was talkin’ about in the intro. We didn’t see it. I don’t believe it.
-Arya is a blind beggar when the Waif rolls up on her with sticks, throws one to Arya, WHO CAN’T FUCKING SEE. The Waif beats the everlovin’ hell outta Arya, and then says they’ll do it again tomorrow. A small piece of me wants to think the Waif is training her, but the larger part thinks she’s just being an asshole and eventually, Arya will get her.
-Varys and Tyrion are walking the streets of Meereen, and Tyrion’s terrible Valryian is the best part of the episode as he tells a poor woman he wants to eat her baby, when he wants to give her money to feed her baby. The people aren’t as happy with Dany as they were, and she’s not even around anymore, so Varys and Tyrion are tryna figure out how they can stop this. From what I’ve heard about Scandal, this is basically that, with dragons and poor people. Then they roll up on a crowd running away from something, and instead of running with them (which is something Y’ALL do…..you know what I’m talkin’ about), they run towards the danger to see burning ships. These Sons of the Harpys are still a problem in these streets.
-Daario and Jorah, yet another odd couple (not really all that odd as they both appear to be shady and they both love Dany), are out searching for Dany, and they find her trail via a burned ram. Then, Jorah looks around at all the hooves and figures out the Dothraki were here….and he finds that ring that Dany dropped, which made me roll my eyes so damn hard. I said to my girl, like, ten seconds before it happened that he was gon’ find that fuckin’ ring. How? WHY? And yes, in a show with dragons and ghosts and White Walkers….that’s the shit that bothers me. It doesn’t do it a lot, but it happens. Oh, and Jorah still got the greyscale, so that’s something to watch. He might just fuck around and put his wrist in Daario’s mouth because fuck it, bruh.
-Then it’s on to Dany, who is the target of some rather unsavory language (and at least one legitimate question) by the Dothraki. They take to the Khal, who is like, my wives don’t even like you, but I’ma have the sex with you, and she was like, I’m Daenerys Targaryen, first of her name blah blah blah and he’s like, I don’t give a damn if you’re the millionth of your name, this is goin’ down. But Dany explains the story of Drogo and he’s like, OH, well shit, you should have said instead of all the other shit. But when she asks to be taken back to Meereen, they’re like, uh, so there is this temple where Khal widows go to hang out for the rest of their lives…..so…..yeeeeeeeeeeah. That backfired. Dany ain’t makin’ it there, tho. Kinda want her to, at least for a little bit, but she won’t. She makes it hard for a fella to still be down with the Stormborn Gang.
-In Dorne, Ellaria looks like she is being a decent person with Doran, reminiscing over Oberyn. But nah, she stabs him in the chest after he gets a note saying what happened to Myrcella, and his giant bodyguard gets cut by one of her daughters. Apparently, the people of Dorne weren’t happy with Doran not doing anything about Oberyn, and his other guards don’t do shit. I think she’s making that shit up, but it don’t matter now and I would hope that the Dornish people realized that it was Oberyn’s own fuckin’ fault. Then the other two Sand Snakes run up on Trystane, who I thought was gone with Jaime and ’em, but I guess not. Anyway, he chooses one to fight, the other kills him and she gets called a greedy bitch. They better do something with these Sand Snakes this season.
-Cersei, which is what I’m looking forward to the most, is chillin’ and surely contemplating revenge on the Sparrows, gets notified that a ship is back, so she’s like, cool, it’s Jaime and Myrcella, so at least I have that. Soooooo……..the slow change of the look on her face when she sees a body covered behind Jaime is so damn good. Cersei seems beaten down by everything, for good reason, but Jaime who is defiant and says that they’ll get everyone for all of the things. Sigh…..if only they weren’t a murderous incestuous couple. Honestly, I’d be good with a two-episode arc on Cersei and Jaime and how much shit they’re about to wreck.
-Almost forgot about Margaery, who is gettin’ that work from the giant nun who simply loves to hit people. The High Sparrow asks if she’s ready to confess and Margaery is like, I’m not perfect, he’s like, well, that’s a start. They could have given this time to Cersei. But fine, we’ll check in on that in a bit. Hell, might even be Cersei that gets her outta there.
-We have the Wall, where we opened the episode with Jon’s dead body. Davos is still there, and he finds it with a “Traitor” sign tacked above it. The dudes that were down with Jon holla at Davos and they try to think of a plan to get back at Alliser, and after a minute, they think of the wildlings. Edd goes at it alone, and then Melisandre enters with her shit about seeing Jon fighting at Winterfell, but they were in her flames and they’re all, if you don’t get the fuck outta here with that shit. Meanwhile, Alliser manages to sway the Night’s Watch on his side, saying that he killed Jon (which is treason) because he brought the wildlings in. They seem to buy it…..kinda. Then Alliser and his crew go to Davos and ’em, where they have Jon’s body, and they say that the other members will be all good to go, while Davos can have some food and be able to go south with Melisandre. However, they have to surrender by sundown and Davos is like, we’ll think about it. They don’t know that there are dudes outside with crossbows, but they have an idea that Alliser can’t be trusted.
-Then we have Melisandre, who slinks off to her room and takes off her clothes, so if you had her in the “GOT Nudity Odds”, where she was likely a decent favorite, you’re good (I’d rank it as such: Melisandre, random woman we don’t know, and pick a Sand Snake). She takes off her necklace, the gem loses its light and then we get an old, naked woman, who crawls into bed, and the episode ends. So obviously, she lost her powers somehow. Maybe because they don’t believe in her? Melisandre could always get people to believe in her, really, everyone but Davos, who has seen enough to be like, well……….maybe? But it sets up Davos to try and give her a pep talk, and then she can bring back Jon because y’all are so pressed for him to come back. Either way, it was slightly disturbing and all the way hilarious, especially reactions. For all the good nudity we’ve seen in Game Of Thrones, gotta take some bad, too. Suck it up.
Overall, it was a pretty good premiere, but pretty good for Game Of Thrones is better than like, 96% of television out there. I’ve learned not to expect too much from these premieres; there are a lot of pieces to get sorted on the chess board. But the game is moving quicker, and more happened in this premiere than most. Get your shit ready, folks.