Normally, I work on Sunday nights, so I just stay off social media for the most part until Monday morning, which is when I’d watch Game Of Thrones. I usually don’t even check my phone, but Raptors Game 7 was on, so I had to and the first message rolled in, like, one minute after the Atlantic time viewing aired. Then, within three minutes of the Mountain time viewing, I got two text messages, one from my roommate, who knows I usually come home, play some FIFA on the PS4 and then go to bed. He texted me a slew of cuss words, a buncha “WOWs” and finished off with “Fuck FIFA, b”. So I broke tradition and watched it when I got home. And yeah……they were all right. “Home” is up there with the very best episodes of Game Of Thrones. Let’s go…..
-We open with Bran’s big ass, we ain’t seen him in a minute. He is dreaming, watching a scene between his pops, his uncle Benjen, his Aunt Lyanna and Hodor, whose name used to be Wyllis, apparently, and he used to talk. Lyanna is Ned’s sister, and Bran acknowledges that Ned didn’t talk much about her. All we know about her is that she was kidnapped by Rhaegar Targaryen prior to marrying Robert Baratheon, who started a war to find her. She was killed before that, but we don’t know how; I assume we’ll see that through Bran and that would endear the storyline more to me. There is a lot that we don’t know about what happened before GOT started, well, we know what happened, but we didn’t see it….and a lot of stuff we didn’t see will play into what happens in the future. Anyway, the Three-Eyed Raven stops that dream like a mufucka and Bran is carried outside to see Meera, who is told by Leaf, one of the Children of the Forest, that Bran will need her when they get out in these streets. The Raven gotta sort out Bran’s legs, b. Hodor’s back gotta be all fucked up. Anyway, this storyline looks like it’s going to move quickly. I’m really tryna care about it because I know it’ll be important.
-Let’s move to Braavos, where Arya keeps gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who is not messin’ around. That shit looks like it hurts, and the Waif keeps asking Arya what her name is, and she keeps replying, “no one”. Then Jaqen shows up and he tries to bribe her with things if she says her name: he’ll give her somewhere to sleep, get her some food, even give her sight back, but Arya keeps on with the “no name” shit. So Jaqen is like, come on, and tells Arya to leave her money dish because she isn’t a beggar anymore. So, is he gon’ lead her or what? SHE CAN’T SEE. At least hold her arm or something, give her a walking stick, a dog, something.
-Next, we’ll go to the Iron Islands, where Balon Greyjoy and Yara are tryna figure out their next move as they lost a lot of people at Deepwood Motte, which is close to Winterfell. I don’t know this exactly, but that is what the GOT Wikia is for (if you ever have any questions at all about GOT, just go there). They’re bickering because Balon thinks they would have been fine had Yara not taken men to find Theon, and basically tells her that it doesn’t matter what she thinks, he is the king and she’ll listen, or he’ll make another heir. I don’t know how old he is, but I don’t know how much more time Balon has for heir-making. That being said, old-ass men have gotten women pregnant in this show before. He leaves and starts walking along this messed-up suspension bridge, in the middle of a storm, mind you, and Balon is stopped by a man, who turns out to be his younger brother’s Euron. This is our first time meeting Euron, and we haven’t even heard of him since Season 1, and long story short, he was a pirate who ripped out the tongues of his crew. He calls himself the Drowned God, and I know there is a Based God joke in here somewhere, but I’ll let him cook. He tells Balon that he is too old for this shit now and someone else needs to step up, so when Balon tries to cut him, he tosses his old ass over the bridge. Then they had the funeral, and Balon looked pretty damn good for someone who fells a long way down to some jagged rocks; that’s some good body preservation. Yara thinks she is taking the throne, but Aeron Greyjoy, the youngest Greyjoy brother, says that the Kingsmoot will decide who the next king is, not what Yara thinks Balon would have wanted. She’s right, but the law is the law, and this would be made easier if Balon had a son. If he only had a son…..
-So we move to the North, where Brienne tells Sansa about meeting Arya and Sansa says she should have went with Brienne earlier, but hindsight is 20/20. Then Theon tells Sansa that he is leaving, and he is going home…..where there is an opening for the throne, so keep an eye on that. He tearfully tells her that Brienne and Pod can look after her now, and if he can take a horse to get home. He better hope he gets there without Ramsey and ’em seeing him. So, speaking of Ramsey, Roose is talking to him and Harald Karstark about the Sansa situation, and Ramsey just wants to wild the fuck out and kill everyone, and Roose tells him, if he acts like a wild dog, he will be treated as such by the people. Then a maester comes in to tell Roose that he now has a son from Walda Frey, which puts Ramsey’s spot as the heir on shaky ground. As Ramsey goes to hug his father in congratulations, he stabs him in the stomach, although we all thought, or at least hoped, that it was the other way around. He tells the shocked maester to send out a raven saying that his father was poisoned, while Harald Karstark is in the background like, YUP. He was ready to back Ramsey’s “kill ’em all, sort it out later” plan, so now that shit is in full effect. But wait…….it gets better. Ramsey sends for Walda and his new half-brother, and he says he is taking them to see Roose, but leads them down to where the dogs are, the rabid, hungry, snarling dogs. Walda was like, sooooooooooo, where is your father and quickly realizes, oh shit….yo, I’ll leave and you’ll never hear from us again, while Ramsey is walking around, opening the cages. How many times did you say, “nah, he ain’t gon’ do this…..right? NAH”. We all knew this was coming, that Ramsey was killin’ Walda and the baby if it was a boy, but yo…..he sicced the dogs on ’em, bruh. Too much of a fuckboy to even do it himself. Goddammit, I hate this dude. Joffrey ain’t got SHIT on Ramsey, who owns the top two spots in the “Most Disturbing Shit to Ever Happen on GOT” list. For me, #1 was the Sansa rape, #2 is this, and #3 is Joffrey fuckin’ up Ros with the crossbow in Season 3. The craziest part about Ramsey to me is that we didn’t even see what happened in either of those things, but we know him and possibly worst, we just hear it. Man…..he gotta get fed to those dogs.
-Next, let’s do….ummmmmmm…….let’s do Meereen, where Tyrion is holding court with Varys, Missandei and Grey Worm, who is apparently all sorted out after last season, standing with Barrister Selmy when the Sons of the Harpy attacked. They tell Tyrion that Rhaegal and Viserion haven’t eating since Dany left, so Tyrion is like, well, let’s take them off their chains and get them some food. He asks Missandei if she spent a lot of time with the dragons, who are intelligent and remember who their friends are. So Tyrion and Varys go down where they’re being kept (I thought they’d send Missandei), and Tyrion walks down towards the dragons, who start to move around. Tyrion quietly talks to the dragons, telling them a story of how he wanted one when he was little, and how he cried when his father told him the last dragon had been killed. Then he walks up and unchains both dragons, who are a little edgy and roar a couple times, but overall, they seem to be pretty cool about everything. Tyrion tells Varys as they’re walking away, if he ever has a plan like this again, punch him in the face. Peter Dinklage is the best, man. For all of the great actors and actresses on GOT, he is at the top, he and Lena Headey as Cersei. So, this is lending credence to the theory that Tyrion is a dragonrider, and you can find this theory on the internet somewhere, but basically, Tyrion is half-Targaryen. I could see it. I’m not sure if they’ve ever even seen him before, but they listened to him, so something has to be up with that.
-On to King’s Landing, where this dude is telling a story about showing his junk to Cersei during her walk of shame. He goes out to take a leak, and turns around, and looks up at the person behind him…WAY up, and “person” is debatable. It’s FrankenMountain, who smashes his head up against a wall and that shit bursts like a grapefruit. Cersei and FrankenMountain go to head to Myrcella’s funeral, but they’re stopped by guards who say King Tommen wants her to stay in the Red Keep, which is some cold shit. But it was pretty damn hilarious how the guards all flinched when FrankenMountain reached for his sword. He would have fucked ALL of them up if Cersei wanted it, but she decides to give it up. At the sept, Tommen tells Jaime what we all knew: that he isn’t really about that life and he got scared when the High Sparrow came through with his people. No matter how much you hate him, at least we know that Joffrey wouldn’t have stood for that shit at all. Jaime tells Tommen to go see Cersei when the High Sparrow enters, telling Tommen that he still can’t see Margaery until she confesses. Jaime wants to pull the sword out on the High Sparrow, but then all the Sparrows appear behind Jaime and the High Sparrow explains that they’re nothing on their own, but together, they can overthrow an empire. Lowkey, the Sparrow is a fuckin’ G. He needs to die, but you gotta respect his gangsta. We also got a rundown of all the foul shit Jaime has done, like killing his king, for example. You forget how much shit he has done over the last six-plus seasons. Then we switch to Tommen and Cersei and he apologizes for keeping her holed up. He says he should be strong and he wants to be strong, and hugs Cersei. You can see her wheels are turning because now she has FrankenMountain AND the Kingsguard to take on the Sparrows. Let’s fuckin’ GO. That’s the shit I’m waiting for.
-We end at the Wall, where Alliser tells Davos and ’em that they’ve reached their surrender deadline, and they start knocking the door down. But the wildlings emerge with Edd, led by the giant, who looks at a mufucka that shoots him with an arrow. He takes that dude, smacks him up against a wall and throws him on the ground and the Night’s Watch is all FUCK THIS, and they lay down their weapons. They take Alliser and Olly (fuck that little treacherous bastard, I forgot to say that last week) to the cells. Then Tormund, the red-headed wildling, sees that Jon is dead and starts to get wood for body-burning, while Davos goes to Melisandre, who is down in the dumps, but looking like her regular self. As I said, Davos gives Melisandre that pep talk and is like, I know you can bring a mufucka back, can you at least try? Melisandre isn’t feelin’ it as everything she said about Stannis didn’t come true (he’s coming back, mark my words). But she tries, and chants some ol’ bullshit to Jon’s body, but he doesn’t revive and everyone leaves…..slooooooooooowly. I just kept watching the screen because you knew what was coming after everyone left, and as soon as Ghost started to stir, you knew it was coming. Y’all happy now? Ya man is back. He took that big-ass breath and shit. I’ll give them one thing, they didn’t waste any time. I said he’d be back, maybe, at the end of the season, definitely next season. Two episodes and he was back. Now, all we need to do is find Dany and we have the dragonriders outchea.
Everything about this episode was damn near perfect, the way it was shot, the writing (not written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, but Dave Hill, who wrote “Sons of the Harpy” from last season) and directing (directed by Jeremy Podeswa, who directed last week, along with “Kill The Boy” and “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken“, aka the Sansa rape, from last season), everything. Things are starting to pick up as we get closer to the finish line, and I’m ready for that. Next week, I assume we’ll see some Dany stuff, we still haven’t seen Littlefinger in a while and I’m anxious to see if Sansa goes to him (or if Ramsey pays him a visit, wherever he is) and mufuckas gotta start heading to Dorne. Oh, and Jon Snow, I guess. I’d laugh really hard if we ain’t see him for like, two episodes. Y’all would be so mad.
It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if this episode was nominated for an Emmy for something….and this is Episode 2. Buckle the fuck up.