Yoooooooooooo……welcome back, folks. It has been a while since the last recap, which I completely skipped for Hotel because let’s all be honest: that shit petered off near the end. I still haven’t watched the finale, but I read about it and it didn’t sound great. Anyway, we’re on to Season 6 of American Horror Story, which they’ve kept under wraps. All the teasers they’ve thrown out there, apparently some were real, and some were decoys because why the hell not? But we got the premiere last night, and the season will involve the lost colony of Roanoke, in North Carolina. The Googles were on FIRE with people tryna figure out what the hell it was after the episode. Let’s gooooooooooooooo…
-So, here, I’ma jack something from the EW recap that absolutely blew my mind. Here goes:
“It’s difficult to banish a spirit, but not impossible. The most successful attempt that I know of happened when America was known as the New World… In 1590, on the coast of what we now know as North Carolina, the entire colony of Roanoke — all 117 men, women, and children — died inexplicably. It became known as the Ghost Colony because the spirits remained. They haunted the native tribes living in the surrounding area, killing indiscriminately. The elder knew he had to act. He cast a banishment curse. First, he collected the personal belongings of all the dead colonists. Then he burned them. The ghosts appeared, summoned by their talismans. But before the spirits could cause them any more harm, the elder completed the curse that would banish the ghosts forever. By uttering a single world… the same word found carved on a post at the abandoned colony: Croatoan.”
This, my friends, was from Season 1, which was Murder House, and it was spoken by Billie Dean Howard, a medium played by Sarah Paulson, who also came back at the end of Hotel. So they teased this shit all the way back in Season 1…..well done, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, well done.
-This story starts as a true-crime documentary of sorts, called “My Roanoke Nightmare”, with a couple named Shelby and Matt telling their story of a move from Los Angeles to Roanoke, which was caused by Matt being attacked via a game of knockout, where a dude ran up on him and hit him with that one-hitter quitter as part of a gang initiation. It put Matt in the hospital and he was unconscious until Shelby held his hand, and that brought him around, but she ended up losing their unborn child. The story goes between the actual couple, played by my homegirl, Lily Rabe and Andre Holland, who is new to the AHS universe, but apparently he is in The Knick as well (I got through, literally, five minutes of The Knick and was like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP. If you’ve watched it, you know what scene I’m talkin’ about). For the reenactment part of the story, those characters are played by Paulson and Cuba Gooding Jr., who is also new to AHS, but he and Paulson were both in American Crime Story, which was about the OJ Simpson trial…..Murphy and Falchuk are also involved in that, so FX is keeping it all in the family, which will likely be some sort of theme in this series as well.
-Anyway, they move to North Carolina and aim to buy this house in the country, but they’re up against three of the most hillbilliest-ass dudes you’ve ever seen. They compete in this auction, in which the bid goes from $27,000 to $40,000 and the hillbillies bow up, but you gotta know that these dudes aren’t taking this shit lightly. Throw in the fact that Shelby and Matt are an interracial couple and yeah…..you should know how this is about to go. And yo……where were these hillbillies getting $25,000 to start with? I doubt they have jobs. I’m surprised they have teeth. We know one of ’em does. Mufucka’s teeth juttin’ out the side of his mouth.
-So then, we have various things going on as the couple is renovating their house. There are screams from what sound like a pig, and Matt gets a trash can thrown at him when he goes out to investigate. Then he goes somewhere and a mysterious storm starts, and while it looks like hail, Shelby tries to tell him that they were teeth and he’s like, ehhhh, you might be crazy. Around this time, Shelby reveals that she doesn’t want to stay there, but she doesn’t want to tell Matt and I’m all, yo, fuck his feelings. If the raining teeth weren’t enough…..who can sleep while it sounds like pigs are getting violated? Then, Matt goes away on a business trip, and Miss Yoga Teacher is all like, I’ll be fine….until she sees two random women in one of the many hallways that it seems this house has, but of course, she can’t find them. So, she tries to shake it off, and goes outside to their hot tub, and I could have sworn it was just storming outside, but hey, it’s whatever. Shelby looks all calm and cozy in the hot tub, when a hand covers her face and pushes her underwater. She gets free and calls the cops, who don’t believe her and they tell Matt that they can’t find anything in terms of hand or footprints, which makes her look even more crazy.
-You’d think that everything would come to a halt when Matt finds a dead pig at their door. But nah, he doesn’t tell Shelby about it, he just buries it away. What he does decide to do, is put up his own security system so he can watch the house while he is gone (STOP GOING AWAY), and he brings in his sister to watch over Shelby, even though the two don’t get along. His sister’s name is Lee, and in “real life”, or the Lily Rabe/Andre Holland timeline, she is played by Adina Porter, who was in True Blood (you were right, Mel), The 100 and The Newsroom. In “reenactment life”, or the Sarah Paulson/Cuba Gooding timeline, Lee is played by Angela Bassett, and her story is that she was a cop who was shot, and she turned to booze and pills, which were found by another cop. She was fired from the squad, so she has some free time, but she thinks Shelby is a fake yoga-doing, rosee-drinking phony who doesn’t deserve her brother. She thinks Shelby is making this shit up until she sleeps there for a night, and hears the pig screaming. But Ms. Bassett is back, and the world is all good again.
-Shelby finds a knife moved in the kitchen, which freaks her out, while the sober Lee is in her room, and a bottle of wine is rolled in, which she blames on Shelby. However, they realize that they’re not alone in the house, which Matt can see on his security video. He tries to call the women and tell them that they’re being surrounded by people with torches and pitchforks, which is what Shelby described to the police when she was attacked in the hot tub, but they don’t answer the phone. Instead, they investigate in the basement…..the dark-as-shit basement, I might add…..and the door is closed on them. There is a video playing, and while it is grainy, they can make it a man with a pig’s head on his head, and there is a fight of some sort. Then, they go back upstairs and there are a buncha straw dolls hung up, very similar to some shit you’d see in the Blair Witch Project. These hillbillies are on some arts-and-craft shit…..they were very well done and they did that shit quickly.
-Shelby is fed the fuck up and is like, yo, we gotta go, while Matt and Lee are like, this is our home, they can’t scare us, let the cops do their work…..so lemme get this straight: the white woman wants to leave the scary house and the black people wanna stay? AND we’re trusting the police to do their jobs now? THE FUCK KINDA BIZZARO WORLD IS THIS? AHS is aiming to turn your shit upside this season, bruh.
-Anyway, she peaces out, like, runs outta the house and drives away in the car because fuck y’all, y’all can have this. Shelby is driving down the road, and in her rush, she hits what turns out to be an old lady, flipping her over the hood and shit. She goes out to see how the lady is, but yo…..ol’ girl just gets up and walks away, while Shelby is yelling about having her to take her to a hospital or some shit. But if you get up and walk away, I’m thinking it’s all good and I can go about my business. NOAP. Shelby wanders into the woods and again, on some Blair Witch shit, she gets lost because this place is fucking crazy. She gets lost and ends up in a clearing, where there are more of the straw dolls hung up and that’s when Shelby is like, oh for fuck sakes, you GOTTA be kidding me. Then, to top it all off, she is surrounded by the torch-havin’ mufuckas, and we see a dude that has been scalped (seriously, in the credits, he is the “Scalped Man”). Also, go back to the old woman, she had a bloody knife in her hand, AND we see that it’s Kathy Bates. AND one of the torch people turns out to be Wes Bentley, or John, the detective from Hotel. Shoutout to screen grabs, because all this shit happens really fast, and I’m still stuck on how Shelby ran into the woods in the first damn place.
And that was the premiere, possibly the best of the bunch so far. My biggest question about this is, so…….are real-life Shelby and Matt, are they going to end up dead when it is all said and done? AHS isn’t cut-and-dry, and it doesn’t seem like them to let us think that they’re going to live through this story. Also, if the Roanoke theme is the thing, are the torch people the remaining descendants from there? Also, why would you buy a house like this for $40,000 and battling these Deliverance-ass dudes? This was all a bad idea from the jump, but hell, without bad ideas, American Horror Story would have ended after Murder House. Anyway, I’m in, and there are still a whole gang of people we gotta see: Gaga will be back for something, Evan Peters, Denis O’Hare…..welcome back to the AHS fuckery, y’all.