American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 6

Aye….so the recaps are back, stuff has been kinda hectic around these parts with moving across the country, and getting used to Atlantic time again. American Horror Story airs at like, 11 PM, so needless to say, I’ll be watching it on Thursday morning. Anyway, Chapter 6 was billed as this big twist that would shake up this season, and it did, giving us the worst fight in the history of AHS. Let’s go…….

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-Oh, before I start, I assume if you’re reading this, you’ve seen all the episodes. Two things: it took me at least two episodes to figure out that it was Lady Gaga playing ol’ girl that Matt was having sex with (but not remembering), and I wonder when she’ll be back. Then, the worst part of the first five episodes was when Incest Mom banged Shelby’s ankle with, like, a crowbar or some blunt object. That shit looked like it HURT.

-We learn right off the bat that My Roanoke Nightmare beat out Sunday Night Football, The Walking Dead and Empire in terms of viewers. First, SNF ratings are down this year and this still wouldn’t beat it. It’s definitely not beating The Walking Dead and Empire, maybe, but it’s not even on Sunday night. It comes on Wednesdays, same night as AHS, and y’all ain’t that good, so don’t throw stones. For whatever reason, for all the fuckery that this episode contained, that bothered me the most.

-That was a boost to Sidney, the producer who is played by Cheyenne Jackson, who was Will Drake last year in Hotel. He rolled up on the execs and pitched a new series: take everyone back to the Roanoke house, the real people AND the re-enactment actors, and film them over the blood-moon period, which is when shit was supposed to go crazy there. Sidney even bought the house from Matt and Shelby for cheap, so they have that, and the execs give ’em 13 episodes. But then Sidney’s assistant, Diana tells him that Shelby won’t participate. Geez, I wonder why? I wonder which part she picked to tell Diana that shit wasn’t going down?

-Turns out that the reason is because Shelby and Matt are now separated, and she had a thing with Dominic, Cuba Gooding Jr., who played Fake Matt. Shelby said that she’ll only do it if Dominic isn’t involved because she wants to get back with Matt and Sidney agrees, but yeah, we all know Dominic is gon’ be there. Within five minutes of meeting him, we know that Sidney is a piece of actual feces.

-The crew goes to the house, where Sidney has rigged up a buncha props to scare everyone and Diana is skeptical, to say the least. I’m a Diana fan right off the bat, which means something is gon’ happen to her. Sidney tries to tell her that the plan for all this is to find out who really killed Mason, Lee’s (Matt’s sister) ex-husband, but Diana knows he doesn’t care. Then the crew finds baby pig fetuses in a circle behind a tree and Sidney says that it is the Polks, the incest family, but they haven’t been seen in weeks apparently. That’s when Diana is like, “yo, we need to get the fuck outta here, b” and Sidney is all, “NAH, it’ll be fine”. It sure will be. Baby pig fetuses (fetusi?) in a perfect circle are completely normal. Goddamn, I want him to die so bad.

-Sidney goes to interview Agnes, aka Fake Butcher, played by Kathy Bates. Apparently, she went crazy and was caught swinging machetes at people and was admitted into a hospital, and Sidney serves her with a restraining order, to which she says, “how can I be on the show if I can’t go near anyone?”. Shit was heartbreaking. Sidney is like, “You’re not ON the show”, and Diana is like, “You know that little restraining order ain’t gon’ stop her, right?”. This is as Agnes is yelling at them like the Butcher. Yeah, we’ll see her again, yelling in terrible accents. Just let Ms. Bates talk in her own voice, bruh.

-Next up is Lee, Real Lee, played by Adina Porter. She wants people to know that she didn’t kill Mason as everyone thinks, so they have her back. However, the issue is more with Fake Lee, whose name is Monet and played by Angela Bassett (who also directed this episode). Monet is an actual alcoholic and the production is legally liable if she does anything, but I’m pretty sure Sidney doesn’t really care about rules. If I’m not mistaken, he might have even smiled as he gave the restraining order to Agnes knowing she’s gon’ wild out. That’s good for ratings because….well, that’s a whole societal thing that I could spend 5,000 words on. Anyway, I’ve never seen UnREAL and I’ve heard it’s great, but from what I’ve gathered, it’s about a reality-tv producer drumming up drama. Yeah dogg, that’s Sidney. He is also the girl from the original Blair Witch joint, who keeps wanting to get more footage and more footage and more footage until everyone is dead. Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm.

-At the house, Sidney and Diana are shown a video of a cast member who has a chainsaw, and it looks like he is being forced to cut his own head off by something. Diana is like, “man, we gotta shut shit down”, and Sidney is like, “nah, we’re good”. Diana finally blows up and gets the hell outta dodge (shoutout to Sidney turning to the cameraman and saying, “did you get that?”), and then films her testimony in a dash cam, and that’s when I knew it was about to go down. She sees what looks like a colonist in the middle of the road, which the camera picks up, but when she turns it around, the Piggy Man is behind her and he promptly kills her. It is then revealed that the police found the footage three months later and her body was never found. Oh yeah, we’ll see that again.

-Next up is Audrey, aka Fake Shelby, played by Sarah Paulson and of course, she has a British accent, which is all the rage in television. There are at least two British (or part-British) people on TWD, Andrew Lincoln (Rick) and Lauren Cohen (Maggie). Firing more shots? Ryan Murphy gettin’ bold as shit, although I might have made that last part up. Anyway, she gets interviewed and is interrupted by Rory, who played Edward, the original owner of the house and played by Evan Peters….again, British. I have a love-hate relationship with Evan Peters in this show, but I fucked with him in Hotel and he’s kinda hilarious here. Rory and Audrey are married now, so that’s out, but then he has to go back to Los Angeles for work. Before he leaves, he sees Agnes, dressed as The Butcher, and she Agnes has apparently been stalking Audrey and yells about a Saturn Award, which Audrey got, but Anges felt she deserved. This is what Sarah Paulson should do for all the Emmys she had stolen for her for AHS, but shoutout to her for finally winning for The People Vs. OJ. She’s basically my acting version of Kanye West: she could do literally anything and I’ma stan for that shit with all my might. Hence, the picture on this recap. It has nothing to do with anything. She’s just great. So don’t even bother coming at me. AND NOW SHE’S DOING AN ACCENT, BRUH.

-Audrey wants to leave, but Shelby gets her to stay and then Lee and Matt, the real ones, show up. Matt and Shelby argue, which means Sidney is happy, and he gives them all phones that just have cameras, so they feel isolated and they can film whatever weird shit he sees in there. Audrey, Rory and Monet all think the real Millers are crazy, but Matt tells them that the blood moon is coming up, so get ready to see some shit. Then we learn, and I assume this is what we’ll see over the next few episodes, that everyone died over the next three days that the moon was out, except for one. We don’t know who that one person is yet, and the show that Sidney planned never made it to the air, we’re just seeing the found footage because if you’re gon’ go full-on Blair Witch (which scared the shit outta me when it came out), might as well, right? All I know is that I hope the one person is Sidney, but right now, my money is on Flora, Lee’s kid. She ain’t in this episode, but we’ll see her….unless AHS just throws characters in the bushes, which they’ve been known to do.

-Oh, I think I forgot to mention earlier that Lee was walking through the house, and she felt something, but didn’t see anything: it was a burned-up man, who is Mason, apparently, so that has to be dealt with.

-Finally, Shelby tries to get back with Matt, who is sleeping in the basement and fuck everything about that. Dominic shows up, Matt attacks him and the two proceed to have, hands down, the worst fight in the history of AHS. At one point, one of them rolls on the other and there is a sleeperhold being attempted, and I had to pause it, I was laughing so hard. They’re broken up, Rory comes running out of the hot tub in his drawls as he was tryna get it in with Audrey, who decides it’s time for a shower. Monet argues with Lee that her method acting for her Lee portrayal turned her into an alcoholic, which is a bit of a stretch. Audrey gets outta the shower and she starts to wipe steam off the mirror, and she sees the Piggy Man, of course. She screams, runs downstairs, Rory goes up to investigate and starts cussing out Sidney, but he is stabbed to death by the Jane sisters, the ones who killed their patients to spell out “MURDER” on the wall. Matt finds the “MURDER” and captures it. And that is that.

The first thing I thought after Chapter 5 was like, that shit ended WAY too happily, so everything is about to go south for these people. Turns out everyone dies anyway, so my theory of everyone being ghosts is still kinda on the table. Yeah, this shit should have never left that boardroom where the execs gave Sidney 13 episodes, but money talks as Sidney broke down how much they’d get from ad revenue. And besides, most television shows are based on terrible decision-making. AHS is going for the gusto now and Wiki only has four more episodes listed (shoutout to the AHS Wikia), so try and keep up because it’s about to get wild.

 

 

 

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