Monthly Archives: December 2016

The Walking Dead S07E08 – Hearts Still Beating

The Walking Dead powered into its midseason break with “Hearts Still Beating”, and while the grammatical error in the title really bothers me (I’ll explain that later), it was everything that is great about TWD: it was cheesy, over the top, still had a little bit of heart, and it was a buncha Negan being a dick. Let’s go……..

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-We open with Maggie at Glenn’s grave, which I assume she does daily, and then she goes to the top of the gate at the Hilltop. Gregory has an apple and is almost like, do you want this, and Eduardo, who is also up there, is like, dude, she’s pregnant, so Gregory thinks he’s being a nice guy by giving her the apple. One, she’s pregnant, stop being a dick, and two, most importantly, pregnant or not, Maggie would stomp the muddiest of holes in Gregory’s ass. Did he spend an entire episode getting punked by everyone like, two weeks ago? If you don’t go sit your fake Herschel ass down somewhere.

-Daryl gets out of his cell because of that note that told him to go. Yay. Fuck.

-More importantly, Negan is at Rick’s house, taking a shave and telling One-Eyed Carl how to shave as well, cooking pasta in his house, lookin’ like that scene from “Goodfellas“, but without the cocaine. Olivia gets some lemonade from Tara, who says she’ll go inside and take over for Olivia, who told Rick she would watch Judith, and neither of them would be able to do anything, so that’s pointless.

-Then we have Rick and Aaron, who decide to go out to the houseboat in the canoe full of bulletholes, and I was like, OOOOOOOOOOH WHAT LEVEL OF FUCKERY IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN……well, the scene is stretched out, but basically, the canoe sinks because bulletholes, they have to fight off water walkers (which I figured would like, disintegrate in the water, but whatever man), Aaron sees one in the other canoe, falls the fuck over and is taken under, Rick freaks out, Aaron pops up, and I let out a good, hearty laugh. The best thing about The Walking Dead is when you can see the fuckery down the road, and you know it’s about to be some bullshit, but it’s just a matter of how they get to, and through, the bullshit. It was great. Anyway, they get to the canoe, while Negan is back at the house, tucking napkins in his shirt and shit, getting ready to chow down on a trough of spaghetti because that seems to be all they have at Alexandria (remember Aaron, Daryl and, um….Eric? I think that’s his boyfriend’s name).

-Spencer is tryna be nice to the Saviors, where some girl wants to holla at him and show him the compound later, aka her walls (not walls in a house, use your imagination). She also takes a moment to punk Eugene, who watches this flirtation go down because he’s a creep like that and he does like to watch.

-Meanwhile, Carol is tryna chill and read her book by a fire like a civilized human, and mufuckas won’t leave her alone, Morgan, King Zeke (who we don’t see in this episode and that’s some bullshit), and now Richard, apparently that is his name. He comes in and tries to persuade them to convince King Zeke to strike first against the Saviors, and Carol is like, I just wanna read my fuckin’ book and eat my produce, and we all know Morgan ain’t about that life. So, Richard goes to a shittily-hidden camper in the woods, throws a milk bottle and starts crying. So, here is my thing: why should I care about Richard? The Kingdom, even, for that matter? Spend a little more time on it and maybe, just maybe we would care. They could have honestly split up the Kingdom episode with the Tara episode at Ladyland, as my girl calls it. Because….anyway, more about the latter a bit later on because I have a guess about that. Richard does bring up a good point, though: the Saviors don’t really need a reason to go back on their deal. They run shit.

-Rick and Aaron are on the houseboat getting supplies, and they’re talking about this deal with the Saviors, which Michonne doesn’t think is living, but Aaron disagrees and says, “either your heart is beating or it isn’t”…..meanwhile, Michonne is still driving with this hostage Savior, and tries to talk to her because Michonne is losing her mind, and this woman just isn’t having it at all. OH, and back to Rick and Aaron, someone in mismatched boots is watching them through binoculars. Spooky.

-Oh, I almost forgot about Daryl and his great escape. He sneaks around, being all sneaky, then gets to Dwight’s room and eats ALL of the peanut butter with his dirty-ass finger. How does one eat that much peanut butter, that quickly, with one finger, and then not go to the bathroom right afterwards? And as he leaves, he smashes Dwight’s figurines, and they seemed to focus on one in particular, and I don’t know what the significance is. Maybe to show that Daryl is a badass? I bet he listens to Kid Rock. Goddammit, I hate this dude.

-At Hilltop, Maggie can smell apple pies through doors, but that’s believable because pregnancy hormones are no joke. Maggie wants to ask Jesus to get stuff, but Sasha says he left this morning. Maggie leaves and Enid is like, WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIN’. It’s because Sasha has a plan to go after Negan, because who doesn’t? I’d love to sit down and rank all of the plans because there are some real shitburgers in this pile.

-Father Bitchass and Rosita are at the church….and you know what…..GABRIEL tries to talk Rosita out of her shitty plan to kill Negan, maybe wait so everyone can work together. He has earned the right to finally be called by his real name. Lowkey, Young Gabe might be the MVP of the half-season (non-Negan division). Can’t wait for that to backfire in my face.

-Spencer is in the mirror, practicing how to say “Hi” and he looks like he’s on some Jack Handy shit (old SNL skit, do ya Googles). He tells Rosita that the plan is to get close to Negan and then strike, and Rosita says she used him before, but she’ll do dinner with him later because yo, people gotta bang, b. Meanwhile, Daryl finishes his great escape by bashing Fat Joey’s head in with a pipe, and Jesus walks in on it, so they steal a motorbike and leave. Negan gon’ kill everyone at that compound, b. He leaves and everyone stops giving all of the fucks. Everyone gon’ have irons on their faces.

-Michonne and the lady Savior drive to within distance of a gang of Saviors, like, hundreds of mufuckas and is basically like, bruh, you can’t win this fight, he is everywhere…..but I’m done with this shit, so you need to kill me and set this truck on fire. Which Michonne apparently does.

-Rick and Aaron get back to Alexandria to find Negan and ’em, and Aaron takes a massive ass-whipping because of some fuckass note they found on the houseboat that says “congrats for winning, but you still lose”. Thanks to Holly for this, but why did they even take the note back with them? How would they not know that would be some shit? Anyway, Aaron says that his heart is still beating, which is why the title bothers me. “heart’s” = “heart is”, not “hearts”. I don’t know why I would expect a show like this to care about that, but anyway.

-Spencer introduces himself to Negan, who wants to play pool, so they move a pool table out in the middle of the street. Spencer throws Rick under the bus, more or less implying that Rick got his mother killed and that he always fucks shit up (which isn’t all the way wrong), and that Spencer can be the new leader. Here is where you realized that he gotta die, because Negan says that Rick is swallowing his pride and his hate of Negan to get shit done, and that if Spencer wants Rick’s spot, go take it….but he won’t, because he doesn’t have the guts….and then he disembowels Spencer right on the street. In front of everyone, because everyone decided to come out and watch this game of pool. Shit looked like a Michael Jackson video.

-Rosita gets mad and pulls out the heat, but instead of shooting Negan, she shoots Lucille and Negan starts randomly cursing, sounding like Sterling Archer. One of the Saviors throws Rosita to the ground and cuts her face, while Negan wants to know who made this magic bullet. A couple people say they did it, but Negan knows they’re lying, so the female Savior, Arat is her name, she shoots Olivia. Tara then says she did it, but Eugene confesses and Negan is like, yeah, you look like a bullet-makin’ mufucka. So he takes Eugene with him when he leaves, and Rick stabs a reanimating Spencer in the head because fuck that guy.

-Michonne and Rick meet in the cells, and Michonne tells him that there are more Saviors than they thought, but they still have to fight. So they go to the Hilltop to see Maggie, and Jesus and Daryl are there, and it’s one big-ass Avengers reunion as they walk up to the house to discuss a plan. Daryl even gives Rick back his gun, which was on Fat Joey because that’s way too easy. Maggie better have kicked Daryl in the nuts at least three times, since he got back.

-I missed this, but after the credits, Young Gabe is being watched at the Alexandria gate by the person with the mismatched boots. I’m gon’ guess it’s someone from Ladyland? It better be. We don’t need any more new people.

-The one thing that I do like that they are rationing us with Negan, because I think if he were in every episode, it would be too much. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is the MVP of this half-season and it isn’t even close because of how he straddles that line of being a cartoon and a downright fucking lunatic. But every episode and I think it would be too much. They just have to figure out to handle shit when he isn’t in the episode.

-Also, AMC: get your shit together and just make all the episode 90 minutes long. What else do you have to show? And if you’re gon’ have this many characters, you just might as well. I don’t wanna make any more Game Of Thrones comparisons, but let’s just say, you’re not Game Of Thrones. Take that extra advertising money and highstep down the sideline.

That was a solid ending to a typical half-season of The Walking Dead, which will return in February and likely do the same thing: be great for the first couple episodes, then be garbage, then end strong. Morgan and Carol will eventually come around and reach out to Rick because someone will hear something about Alexandria, which means King Zeke and Battlecat will be involved, Tara will holla at Ladyland, and yeah…..man, it is what it is by now with The Walking Dead. If they could just be consistent, the world would be a better place. The ratings are dropping, but they’re just now very good down from astronomical. It’ll be interesting to see if they try to improve in the second half of Season 7, I wouldn’t bet on it, but crazier things have happened and I’ma watch anyway. See y’all in February.

 

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The Walking Dead S07E07 – Sing Me A Song

The Walking Dead has been hot garbage the last few weeks, basically since the second episode of Season 7, but of course, it picks up with “Sing Me A Song”, just in time for next week’s midseason finale because that’s what this show does. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Michonne walking down a road, where she finds the pile of burned mattresses, and then she kills two walkers that served as a nice callback to when we first met her, with her walkers on leashes. Meanwhile, Rick and Aaron, aka New Daryl, get out of a truck and see something down the road they’re on. Everyone stays tryna be Daryl on this show. Probably won’t work out for anyone but Daryl.

-A pair of Saviors are shooting the shit, waiting for some walkers to move out of their way, but we find Jesus and Carl in the back of their truck. Jesus jumps out of the truck while it’s moving, but Carl decides to stay because he’s a man and has to do this himself….also, he’s not that bright. Carl has large balls, no doubt, but his plan-making skills leave a lot to be desired.

-They get back to the spot and Carl eventually opens fire with a machine gun, killing one and asking for Negan. He shoots another one before Dwight tackles him, but Negan plays good cop….well, kinda….he offers Carl a hand and a tour, and Carl says no, but Negan says he’ll cut off Daryl’s arm if he doesn’t say yes. So kind of a good cop?

-There is some other stuff that happens in this episode, but really, the best part of the whole thing is Negan generally being a shit. He gets the entire factory to kneel to him and Carl is lookin’ at these people like they’re all pusses, then he takes Carl to meet his wives, like, a bunch of them. But here, Negan is smart because what is the best way you’re gon’ soften up a slightly-teenaged kid…..hell, a grown-ass man as well? That’s right: offer them titties and beer. Rick ain’t offer Carl none of that. If there was one moment in this episode that Carl may have thought, hey, maybe Negan ain’t all that bad, it was right here.

-Then he goes to Sherry, Dwight’s ex, and gets the news that one of his wives, Amber, got one of his men, Mark, to avoid his work and be with her. Here is where Jeffrey Dean Morgan really shines, where he straddles the line between being a cartoon character with how over-the-top he is……but then you get the feeling that he’s gon’ kill everyone in that room, even though he mentioned that he has never laid a hand on any of the women. However, Amber knows that something bad is gon’ come, and poor Mark….he doesn’t even know it yet. Meanwhile, Dwight brings in Daryl with a vegetable tray from Sobeys or some shit.

-Next, Negan gets Carl to show him his eye, or rather, his lack of an eye, and oooooooooh boy…..JDM was on fire here. “That is disgusting” was my favorite part of the rant, and then it’s even better when he apologizes to Carl, who is crying because Negan is really havin’ a time the eye jokes.Actually, that’s a lie, the best part is that Negan tells him, “I wanna touch it” through a hearty chuckle, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s the second time someone on The Walking Dead has wanted to touch it, and I mean…..COME ON. And Negan is kinda sympathetic, but he doesn’t let Carl cover it up because it’s rad. Not only that, he gets Carl to sing him a song, “You Are My Sunshine” because that’s what Lori sang to him, and Carl explains the story of him shooting Lori before he turned. I really get the idea that Negan actually likes Carl, like, might wanna be his Big Brother or some shit, which would be the most perverse Big Brothers pairing ever.

-Let’s take a little break from Negan being a dick to talk about Rick and Aaron, who stumble upon a buncha warning signs from someone telling them that they’ll only find trouble if they go forward, so obviously they have to go forward and besides, they have one day to round up shit before Negan returns, or so they think. Meanwhile, Spencer and Father Bitchass are out scavenging, and FB has really had enough of Spencer’s bitching, calling him a tremendous shit and then gets outta the car to walk back to Alexandria. The best part is that he looked in his eyes the whole time, and you KNOW you’re a punk when Father Bitchass knows you ain’t gon’ do nothing. Then Spencer finds a walker hung up with a bow, he gets it down and finds a note in his pocket in Latin, and this is about to be some ol’ bullshit. I was praying the walker fell on his head.

-Rosita yells at Eugene and calls him a coward for not making her bullet, and while she brings up a lot of great points, fuck her because her plan is fucking terrible and could get a lot more people killed. She’s basically risking everyone else’s lives for Abe, who moved on to the next girl right in front of your face. And is Rosita even a good shot? Goddammit, these people make some awful, awful plans.

-Dwight and Sherry are back to smoking, and she regrets their deal with Negan, but such is life. I think she might be at the top of the “Who will double-cross Negan” Power Rankings. It would be Sherry, with Dwight closely behind, Daryl doesn’t count because he’s just broken and I think he even threatens Negan in this episode because he still ain’t learned. Anyway, Fat Joey is third on the list because they fat-shame him all the time. And Sherry is definitely #1 on the list because Daryl gets a note with a key on the back in his cell, and it says, “GO NOW”. She did that shit.

-But OH, speaking of fat-shaming, that’s nothing. Carl says some shit about Negan is afraid to kill him because he already would have, so Negan and ’em roll out (with Jesus on top of the truck because the Saviors are just terrible at noticing anything happening with their vehicles) and head to Alexandria. Negan meets Olivia, who says that they’re running low on supplies and that they’re practically starving. Negan starts laughing because, well, let’s just say Olivia doesn’t look like she’s starving, then as she is crying, tries to have sex with her, to which she slaps him and leaves. Yeah man, Negan ain’t here for your feelings. Your feelings are there to amuse him. His performance alone makes this the best episode of the season.

-Then he finds Judith, and the episode actually ends with Negan, sitting on Rick’s porch, holding his (well, Shane’s) baby, contemplating killing Rick and Carl and taking over their house and chatting with the neighbors. Mental warfare is Negan’s game, although we’ve seen that he’s pretty solid at the physical game as well.

-And no, I didn’t forget that he ironed Mark’s face like a dress shirt. Like Amber said, she knows he’s an asshole and it wouldn’t end well for anyone. Mark passed out and pissed himself and everything, and Negan got Daryl to clean it up. But hey, rules are rules are rules.

-Some other stuff was happening in this episode, starting with Michonne, who set up a trap for one of the Saviors driving down the street. After a brief scuffle, Michonne orders the woman to take her to Negan. Now, I have slightly more confidence in her Negan plan over Carl’s or Rosita’s, but not a whole lot. After all these go wrong, I want Negan to sit down and evaluate these plans on a grading scale. I’m sure he’d have all sorts of quips. Rick and Aaron find a houseboat that is surrounded by walkers, so someone has to be out there. And Rosita, Eugene and Spencer get back to Alexandria, where they find Negan and ’em. Spencer’s Latin knowledge tells him that letter reveals a buncha supplies and guns because why the fuck wouldn’t it. If they make either him, or Father Bitchass, pull off some Carol-type shit to save everyone, I’ma throw my hands up so damn fast.

Anyway, this was the best episode of the season for me, which doesn’t say a whole lot because I’ve thought most of this season was a steaming pile of zombie skin. But I think it’s safe to say JDM is the MVP of Season 7 regardless of what happens. Next week’s finale is slated to be almost 90 minutes, their sixth extended episode of the season because AMC is getting all the commercial money (and good on ’em). Whose plan is gon’ blow up in their faces first? Who will die? Someone gotta die, I would think, and the Dwight/Sherry double-cross plan will probably start to take shape. And where the fuck is King Zeke and the tiger?

I hope Daryl dies. I REALLY hope he does.