Game Of Thrones heads beyond the wall with this latest episode as Ridiculous Plan #1482 is executed, successfully, I guess. However, the Night King now has his best weapon against the best weapon that Jon and ’em had against him, and next season is about to be so very lit. Let’s go….
-Not that many places to jump around to this week. Start in Winterfell, where Arya is being super pressed about Sansa and that letter that Littlefinger planted for her to find. She shows Sansa the letter and Sansa tries to explain, but Arya ain’t tryna hear it, saying that Sansa just stood there at Ned’s execution. Sansa was like, OH, so you were also there and ALSO didn’t do anything about it? If you don’t get outta here with that, which is a fair point. Sansa also says that Winterfell would still be under Bolton rule if it wasn’t for the Knights of the Vale coming for her, which again, is fair. But I can’t help but think that this is all a ruse by Arya, who already knows that Sansa is going to run back to Littlefinger, which she eventually does. Sansa thinks the letter will turn the lords of the North against her, and she tells him that she and Arya are beefin’, and Littlefinger is like, oh word, you don’t say? He’s such a dirtbag. No way he survives this. You think Arya went to the Faceless State University just to be taken down by this guy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP.
-Sansa gets a letter from Cersei, who wants her to come to King’s Landing, but she wants to send Brienne instead based on her relationship with Jaime. Brienne doesn’t want to leave her with Littlefinger, and Sansa won’t listen to her. I believe Sansa is playing Littlefinger as much as he is playing her; I just think he’s better at it. She has gotten better, but she shouldn’t get too deep with this battle, although this is like, two seasons deep now and she doesn’t really have a choice.
-Sansa then breaks into Arya’s room and finds the bag of faces, including Walder Frey, which is pretty good. Arya is like, you like what you see? She asks Sansa to play that stupid game that Jaqen wanted her to play, and Sansa is like, I’m not doing that shit, what’s up with these faces, tho? Arya responds that they both wanted to be other people as she wanted to be a fighter, and Sansa wanted to be a queen. This allows Arya to be someone else, even Sansa, and she creepily pulls out a dagger, which she leaves with Sansa. Sansa is slowly coming to grips with the fact that her little sister is a goddamn lunatic. She needs to use that to her advantage. This doesn’t need to end any other way than with Arya cutting Littlefinger. Quickly, it’s a shame that there weren’t more scenes between Maisie Williams and Sophie Turner. They bring out the best in each other. I’m not a huge fan of either character on their own, but together, yeah, I fucks with that.
-Alright, on to Dragonstone, where Dany and Tyrion are talking about Cersei wanting to meet at King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a trap, because Cersei, but Dany is like, you see all these Unsullied and Dothraki I still have? She would have even more if she went back and got Grey Worm and ’em, but that’s next week, I think. Tyrion is tryna tell Dany to stay calm, and that Cersei and Joffrey rule with fear, which means people will try to overthrow them. He also brings up a plan for Dany’s succession due to her not being able to have kids, which I forgot about. It has to do with the spell in Season 1 put on her by Mirri Maz Duur, who basically killed Drogo and Dany’s unborn son, who was stillborn. I assume the spell also made her infertile? Oh well, she gave birth to dragons, which are much cooler than children. Dany is like, the fuck is with this succession shit? Why are you talkin’ about this right now? And why should I listen to you when your plans have been, by and large, hot garbage? All fair points. She listened to Tyrion and lost Highgarden, Dorne and the Greyjoy armies. She did what she wanted to do, and destroyed the Lannister forces. Remember, Lady O said stop listening to dudes because they ain’t shit? She was probably right, well, mostly right. I don’t think you can be totally right in Game Of Thrones.
-Jon and the Suicide Squad (I’m not calling them “Snocean’s Seven” or whatever the internet was calling it, that’s stupid) head out on Operation: Get Wight, and the first part of it all is just talking. Gendry is mad because the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre and the Hound is like, BUT DID YOU DIE, THO? Jon and Jorah talk about their fathers and Jon tries to give Jorah his father’s sword, but Jorah doesn’t think he is worthy of it. Tormund talks about Brienne with the Hound, who is like, yeah, I think I know who you’re talkin’ about, she damn near killed me (which he didn’t say to Tormund). There were a couple zingers, but nothing really memorable. I’m sure people were psyched about Tormund and the Hound going back and forth. It was fine. I’m so impatient at this point in the show. If it doesn’t have to do with the story, I really don’t have time for it.
-Alright, shit gets real when a bear wight comes out of nowhere. So I’ll explain this now: the White Walkers are the things that have blue eyes; the wights are the zombie mufuckas, basically GOT’s version of Foot Soldiers, shouts to Ninja Turtles. The Night King is the first White Walker, and White Walkers have the ability to turn other things into White Walkers. Remember Craster’s baby back in Season 4? Yeah, that. Anyway, the bear fucks a couple people up, no one important, although Thoros gets caught and Beric cures him with the flaming sword of glory. Beric is pretty handy to have around; also, being able to come back to life, that’s a very good skill to have. I’d be reckless as shit with that.
-They’re walking, and they’re walking, and then the party sees a group of wights led by a White Walker. Now, why there is a random offshoot group of them by themselves, I don’t know, but it’s fine. They set a trap for the group and then ambush them, and Jon kills the White Walker, which causes them all to disintegrate but one. They jump it and tie it up, and off they go. Why didn’t this creature get affected, but the rest did? I’m not sure, but they got it and there it goes.
-A massive group of wights (I’m trying SO hard not to get these jokes off about massive groups of wights, but those are too easy) are alerted by the one wight’s screams, so Thoros tells Gendry to leave his hammer and go get ravens to Dany that they need help. Jon and the squad manage to get to the middle of a lake, but they’re surrounded by like, thousands of wights. Gendry eventually makes it to Eastwatch and collapses, and when he comes to, he tells Davos to get these ravens on the go. I have no idea how long Gendry was running for, but again, time doesn’t matter in this show.
-Thoros dies, which is fine, no one really cared about him (by no one, I mean me). They burn his body and Beric suggest to Jon that he just kill the Night King and Jon is like, oh geez, thanks, tips, just as easy as that, huh? Sure, if they kill him, all of the wights might die, but he’s a pretty tough guy to get to, much less kill. Beric says that the Lord of Light didn’t bring Jon back to life for no reason, which is fair, but dammit, that’s a really hard thing to do and you don’t think Jon hasn’t thought of this already? Yeesh. Thanks for nothing, except for a super-cool flaming sword.
-Dany gets the letter and gets ready to ride out, and Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. Again, Dany is like, I’m not listening to your dumb ass anymore and takes all three dragons with her. Meanwhile, the Hound decides that it’s time to fuck around and throws rocks at the wights, which is simply fucking stupid. The wights realize that the ice is now strong enough and they can start moving in on the crew and everyone is like, THANKS, HOUND, ‘PRECIATE IT. They get to fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, but Jon eventually tells them to fall back. Tormund gets swarmed by the wights, but somehow not only doesn’t get messed up, but the Hound saves him. Another dude falls into a pit of wights and yeah, he got fucked up, b.
-But out of nowhere, Dany flies in on Drogon and the other two, and starts wreckin’ shop. Drogon ran up in there like the 30th man at the Royal Rumble and shit. He settles down and Viserion and Rhaegal keep up the fight, while the group puts the captured wight on Drogon and they load up as well. However, the Night King steps up like Dan Marino and hits Viserion right in the neck. Everyone looks like, well, shit, that’s a game-changer as Viserion falls into the ice, crashes through and sinks. The Night King wants to throw another one, but Jon rushes him and is dragged under the ice by two wights, but he tells Dany to roll out.
-But WAIT, it gets better. Dany and ’em leave, and the Night King and company leave as well, which leaves Jon underwater with the wights, who die, I assume. I don’t know how much longer it is, but Jon pops up because people don’t drown on this show. More wights show up and try to get Jon, but uncle Benjen Stark pops up and gives Jon his horse. The wights eventually swarm him, though. So now we have wight uncle Benjen AND wight Hodor to look forward to.
-The Hound loads up the wight into a boat at Eastwatch and says he never wants to see Tormund and Beric again. Dany sends Drogon and Rhaegal to find Jon, but he rolls up anyway on the horse, all fucked up. Also, let’s give props to Dany’s coat. That joint was smoove. Everyone’s fur game was pretty tight in this episode, actually.
-Jon wakes up to find Dany staring at him, and he says, hey, maybe that was a stupid idea, and you lost a dragon because of it. But now Dany knows that the Army of the Dead is actually a thing, and she’s more down to fight them and leave all this throne shit behind. Dany also says that she doesn’t like being called Dany; the last person to call her that was Viserys and well, he was kind of a piece of shit brother. So Jon is like, fine, I’ll call you my Queen and I’ll bend the knee, but I’m kinda fucked up right now and I’ll do it when I can stand and shit. They hold hands for a minute and dammit, someone gotta get Bran in a room with Jon for just 10 minutes.
-We end with the wights pulling Viserion’s body out of the lake with some big-ass chains that people are kinda pressed about on the internet. The Night King walks up to him and puts his hands on his face, and BOOM, his eyes open and they’re blue. So, for everyone pressed about the chains because it was really weird to see how many people were mad about it:
WHO FUCKING CARES BECAUSE WE HAVE MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS!
Say it with me now:
MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS, B!
-Now, in theory, this blows the “Tyrion is a dragon rider” theory out of the water, but I still think he is a Targaryen. He’s just not a dragon-rider. That’s fine. So now I’m getting ready for this handicap match between the Night King and Viserion against Dany and Drogon, and Jon and Rhaegal. I’m so here for this dragon on dragon violence. Probably won’t get that until the final season, tho. It’ll be interesting to see what Viserion can shoot out of his mouth, either fire or ice, but that’ll have a hand in how they get through the Wall, I’d bet.
Oh, quick aside: I’m putting GOT above Breaking Bad now, so it’s #2 on the list. Breaking Bad was amazing. Hell, Breaking Bad was the reason that I started doing these recaps, and it’s a wonderful show. Guess what it ain’t have, tho:
MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS.
One episode left. Giddy up, y’all.