American Horror Story: Cult S07E01 – Election Night

I’ve had some reservations about this current season of American Horror Story. I knew that Cult was going to deal with the American election, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go through that again. I still don’t know if I wanna go through that again. But here we are with “Election Night”, which was a hot mess. Good or bad? I have no idea, but like most AHS seasons, I was intrigued. Let’s go…..

-It begins with a room full of people, led by Sarah Paulson playing Ally, crying over the election of that dude. Oh yeah, I’m not writing his name. I haven’t unless I have absolutely had to. This brought me back to the real election night when I was like, yeah, I’m going to bed, and we’ll see how messed up the world is when I wake up. I wasn’t surprised at all when I woke up. People shouldn’t be surprised by the ain’t-shitness of people anymore. Call me a cynic, but I don’t trust much and I figured this would happen. It was still a bit jarring, however. Still is. You also meet Ally’s wife Ivy and their son Ozzie, who asks if anything is going to happen to them as a family because of who got elected. This kid might end up being the best part of the show, honestly.

-Then you have Evan Peters screaming about a revolution and smearing Cheetos on his face, which was pretty damn good. I wonder what pureed Cheetos taste like. Would you drink it, or is it like a pudding? It’ll be a long winter and I might have to try that. He plays Kai and then there is his sister, Winter, who I thought was his girlfriend at first. They do this pinkie-swear thing that I bet will end up being important. Also, Winter is played by Billie Lourd, who is Carrie Fisher’s daughter. Once I was told, I could see it. She also actually campaigned for Clinton in 2016, so this is kinda real for her. It’s probably real for everyone. The jury is still out on Evan Peters being a supporter for that guy, but one thing is for sure: if there is a fucked-up character on AHS, he’ll find a way to play it.

-Next, we get to my favorite part of the episode, where this couple is gettin’ down out in the woods and they even mention Twisty at first, and BOOM, here he comes. So, instead of running, they try to talk to him. THEN, dude pulls out a gun and shoots him, and it doesn’t kill him….again……DOESN’T RUN. And I don’t know how he let Twisty get close enough to him with a pair of shears to slice his throat, but fuck it, man, you don’t wanna move, you deserve it. Meanwhile, she’s in the background crying and shit, watching her boyfriend get stabbed a buncha times instead of running. Dogg, get a damn headstart….and then she decides, hey, this nasty old bus looks like a proper place to hide. And she doesn’t even hide, she just ducks down and turns her back. Worst hide-and-seek player ever, ol’ elephant-behind-a-blade-of-grass ass. Anyway, she gets her tongue cut out after calling 911, and shouts to Twisty taking his face off (I forgot how nasty his mouth was) and saying “Wrong number” to the operator. Did she even know what he said? That shit was greatness. I’d be here for just watching Twisty stalk people all season.

-Ozzie is reading this story in a comic book, and Ally freaks out because she hates clowns. Really, who likes clowns? Oh, shouts to the 300 commercials for “It” in the span of an hour. I promise you that won’t be watched. She heads to see her therapist, Rudy Vincent, played by Cheyenne Jackson, who played the shitbag producer from Roanoke. Here, he plays a shitbag therapist as she’s like, I’m scared of everything, clowns, things with holes (which again, I didn’t know was a thing) and he’s like, meh, just take this medication and don’t go on Twitter…..basically the equivalent of “put some ‘Tussin on it”. While he does play shitbags, he is very good at it.

-Kai gets up in front of a council and makes this speech about fear, and how they shouldn’t have police protecting a Jewish community center that is likely to get threats because, well, look who got elected. That’ll be a common refrain throughout all this. He says chaos should reign so they can get stronger and fight back and not be scared anymore, and the board is like, man, you’re fuckin’ stupid, get the cops out there. Kai ends by saying that there is nothing more dangerous than a humiliated man, which sounds like enough of a threat to me, but whatever. Shouts to people who have never been oppressed about anything coming up with bullshit solutions for the oppressed.

-Ally goes to the grocery store and starts interacting with the cashier, played by Chaz Bono, who doesn’t have a hand and pulls on the red hat, talkin’ about a great leader in office now, so this is surely going to go well for her. She walks through the aisles and starts seeing clowns everywhere, being chased by clowns, clowns are having clown sex on melons, she drops at least two, maybe three, bottles of Rose because someone needs to teach her how to throw things, but it is pretty terrifiying because Sarah Paulson is incredible. If you’ve read this before, I don’t need to tell you how I feel about her. All I know is that she’s going HARD for the Emmy already. She won for the OJ miniseries, which I still need to watch, but she wants one for AHS, too. Anyway, she gets to her car and calls Ivy, and we’re watching like, WILL YOU LOOK IN THE DAMN BACKSEAT BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A CLOWN THERE, and she just drives straight as shit into a pole. I’d love to make fun of this, but I’ve never seen a clown in the backseat of my car, so there is that.

-Ivy says that there is no evidence of any clown shit in that store, and one-armed McGee also disappeared as well. So the next day, they’re talking about the restaurant they own, and Ivy thinks Ally is becoming obsessed with what happened. Also, and this is a huge point, Ivy reveals that Ally didn’t vote for Hillary; she voted for Jill friggin’ Stein, which was basically a vote for the other guy. Between the Jill Stein people and the Bernie Sanders people (don’t even get me started on that), here we are. All I kept hearing is, they’re basically the same candidates (Hillary and dude), so the Bernie people were cranky from the Democratic vote, and then they either didn’t vote or voted for him or Jill Stein. And here the fuck we are. Yeah, I don’t know if I can actually do this because I get more mad the more I think about it.

-Kai sees Ally and Ivy on the street and spills coffee on the street about it, and is sorrynotstorry about it. Ally should have went high, Ivy go low, and stomp his ass out.

-Then you get two scenes at the same time: Ivy and Ally interviewing Winter to be Ozzie’s nanny, and Kai interviewing Winter, asking her anal sex and if there was poop and blood involved, and what scares her the most, and of course she says that it’s him because he’s nuts. They ask Winter when can she start, and I can’t wait for this idea to go south.

-Kai runs out and starts taunting a group of Hispanic dudes and throws a condom filled with urine at them, but someone is recording them as they beat the dogshit out of him. It isn’t Winter because she’s babysitting Ozzie, who is drawing pictures of Twisty killing people because, why not. Winter shows him a website of actual violence, describing it as a vaccine for his brain. Then he sees an ice-cream truck and four clowns get out, and they go into the house across the street. At the same damn time, Ally and Ivy are having dinner of their restaurant, which ends quickly after Ally sees a clown in the place, and sees fingers and holey food on her dish. Ivy asks her if she is insane, and I think it was her when my girl was like, yeah, Ivy is in on all this shit. Makes sense to me. She pointed out that if Ally is so scared of clowns, how in the hell does Ozzie have clown comics and not only that, clown comics where said clown is killin’ mufuckas? All good points. Also, Ivy is kind of a dick to Ally, who might have problems, but she isn’t being very sympathetic at all towards her.

-Back to Winter and Ozzie, they manage to sneak over to the house where the clowns are at, and they see the clowns killing the guy on the council that shot down Kai’s proposal earlier, and his wife, who he was mad at for not voting. Ozzie sees all this and Winter is like, yeah, go ahead. Then Ally and Ivy get home to a cordoned-off street and find Ozzie, who tells them what happened, but Winter is like, nah, he’s bullshittin’, drawing pictures of killer clowns and shit, it was fine, and the cops say that it was a murder-suicide. Then Ally has a nightmare and it’s not Ivy in bed with her, but you guessed it, a clown. Also, did anyone notice how their bathroom beside the bedroom had a bathtub like, smack in the middle of it, in front of the fireplace? Am I crazy or was that really weird?

I can already see me getting angry a lot this season and at some point, I might pull the plug for mental-health’s sake, so I warn you now. This whole election just reminded me of how stupid people are. I’m trying to have faith, but it’s damn hard. I’ll get more into that over the next few episodes, but for now, I wanna know if the clowns are real or not, are Winter and Kai working with Ivy, and more Twisty, because that dude is a beast. Enjoy it for now, though, because we all know AHS is good-to-great for 85% of the season and then goes off the rails.

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