Monthly Archives: May 2019

Game Of Thrones S08E06 – The Iron Throne

Well, that’s it. 73 episodes of Game Of Thrones down the hatch. Y’all were never going to be happy with how it ended. That sounds exhausting. I wish it was as bad as the Dexter finale, so y’all would know how good y’all had it.

Let’s go, for the last time……

-We begin with Tyrion walking through King’s Landing, surveying the wreckage after Dany and Drogon mowed the lawn…….OF PEOPLE. Then, he walks by a zombie from The Walking Dead, who looks like he needs a Powerade. Jon and Davos are with him, and Jon is like, it’s not safe, take some people with you. Bruh, the damage is done, I think you’re good now. Anyway, Tyrion wants to go and find Cersei and Jaime. And everyone is still surprised that Dany did what she did, even though she said, I dunno, a long time ago, that she was taking what is hers in fire and blood. And she has burnt up a whole buncha people, places and things in the past. But fine, don’t listen. Y’all would wild out if your best friends died and Cersei’s smug face was being all Cersei and smugly, too. Or maybe you’d just sign a petition about it.

-Grey Worm is about this vengeance life, and Jon and Davos wants to stop him, and Grey Worm is like, bitch, are y’all the queens? Jon tries to grab Grey Worm and the Unsullied are like, yeah, not a good idea. Davos gets him to go and talk to Dany, and Grey Worm is like, I’ma do this killin’. You didn’t see that video of us dancing? Nope, EVERYONE GOTTA DIE. His killin’ arm must have been tired as shit after that.

-Tyrion gets to the Red Keep, and manages to find Jaime and Cersei. Strangely, I think the tears were also for Cersei, because again, Tyrion is fiercely loyal to his family, even though they were all such raging douches to him. I bet Cersei had some wine on her, too. Hide that shit in Jaime’s hand.

-Arya watches the DothSullied crew celebrate, while Jon walks all the way up like, 14,000 steps, and there is Grey Worm, who is not only not tired from all the killin’, but he has to be terribly efficient as well. That was a lot of killin’ to do, then beat Jon up there. Just then, Drogon rolls in and appears behind Dany in the best shot of the season, and one of the very best of the series. She makes some speech about liberating the other places around Westeros, which is really the only sequel I’d watch, just Dany and Drogon, setting fire to the entire, I dunno, what is it, a continent? A country? I dunno. I’ve heard something about her being compared to Hitler for this speech, and I think people read a little too much into a show with dragons and ice zombies. It’s really not that deep. You think Hitler would have that many black people around him? But if you wanna waste valuable brain space on that, have at ‘er. Grey Worm is now in charge of killin’ and fightin’, which might be the best move she has made in eight seasons.

-Arya looks like she wants to do something. After what she did to the Night King, I’d LOVE to see that.

-Tyrion rolls up on Dany like, the fuck was all that about and Dany is like, if you don’t sit your treasonous ass down somewhere. Tyrion is like, fuck it, here is my two weeks’ notice and you can have this Walmart-ass brooch back, too. The DothSullied are waiting for Dany to tell ’em to Hulk Smash, but she just orders him to be taken away. And here, I knew Tyrion wouldn’t die, because he would have died right then and there. But they ain’t killin’ Dinklage at this point, if he hadn’t already. Jon looks at Dany in disappointment and she gives -47 fucks about his feelings.

-Arya sidles up to Jon, and he tries to tell her to go wait for him outside the gates. At this point, all this big brother shit is cool, but Arya can take care of herself. I needed her to say, “did YOU kill the Night King?”. That should be her response to literally everything. Anyway, Arya tries to warn him again because Dany knows who he is, which means he is a threat and he needs to be careful.

-Jon visits Tyrion, wine-less, which isn’t fitting of a good friend. Tyrion accepts his fate and lists all the bad shit he has done in his life, although his mother, not really his fault, but throw it on the list anyway. Jon then tries to pin Dany’s shit on Tyrion, saying that he was the one that guided her, and again, Tyrion owned up to it and said he thought he could, but he couldn’t, and King’s Landing paid for it. Jon says that the war is over, and Tyrion is like, did you not JUST hear her? Dany has been on her Harriet Tubman tour for friggin’ eight seasons, burnin’ people up, but it’s going to stop now? Okay, bud. But he also says to Jon that he, too, has been on a dragon and he wouldn’t have done what she did, which is true. Because Dany has killed way more people than anyone. But it was usually for good, and the more she kills, the more she thinks she is right, tryna build a better world for everyone (again, NOT something that Hitler would do). Jon has a confused look on his face. The same one we’ve seen for eight seasons.

-Whew, this scene is long. Great (well, on Dinklage’s part, anyway), but long.

-Tyrion hits Jon with the “you love her, and love is more powerful than reason”. Wooooo buddy, you ain’t never lied. We’ve all been there at one point or another. He also points out that Jon has always protected the people. But who is the biggest threat to the people now? Tyrone outchea makin’ too much sense. He tells Jon all the same shit Arya said to him, that he isn’t going to be the last man she executes, and Jon is the biggest threat of all, and Jon is like, that’s fine, she is the Queen, I’m not going to kill her. Tyrion then repeats what Arya said, that Sansa would never bend the knee, and Jon still won’t kill Dany. He knows what he has to do, but that Ned Stark shit has Jon being all noble and shit.

-Jon is walking through the Red Keep and walks up on a sleeping Drogon, who gives him a sniff and goes back to sleep. Drogon is like, I SHOULD kill you, but I’ll see what Moms has to say. What a good boy. Better than Ghost. In fact, Ghostface Killah is better than Ghost.

-Dany finally sees the Iron Throne, which she has been waiting to see for quite a while, I’d say. But she doesn’t get to sit down on what looks to be a terribly uncomfortable throne before Jon rolled in. Can they get her one of those joints that you use in your computer chairs? Not one single ruler has thought of that. Good grief. Anyway, Jon tries to appeal mercy to Dany, who isn’t having it, and this is Cersei’s fault, which, I mean, she’s not entirely wrong. Anyway, blah blah, mercy and NOAP, and she wants Jon to come with her and they’ll break the wheel. And Jon was like, nah, catch this dagger to the chest, b. In the words of the illustrious X-Files, “trust no one”.

-Drogon comes around, like he hears his moms calling from the other room to turn the television, even though the remote is right in front of her. He swoops down and starts tryna move her dead body, lookin’ like the mother from “Boyz N The Hood”. He is PISSED, and it looks like he is going to kill Jon, but instead he burns the Iron Throne. I did actually think that he was going to burn Jon, who deserved it. I think it was because Drogon was like, man, fuck this throne, it looks mad uncomfortable, it probably gives you hemorrhoids, and it makes people do fucked-up things, for better or for worse.

-I’ve seen some people say, oh, a dragon couldn’t know all that. But guess what, I’ma let you in on a secret: DRAGONS AREN’T REAL. So I’ma keep thinking that Drogon made sense of it all, said this is stupid, took Dany somewhere, probably ate her because, I mean, come on, why not, and then he went to DeVry and got a diploma or something. Maybe he went and got a trade as a welder. It might take a minute to figure out how much fire he needs for a pipe (I know nothing about welding, so if this sounds wrong…..I don’t care), but he’ll figure. Drogon is a strong and independent dragon, who lost his moms and his two brothers, and he can do what he wants.

-Fast forward, I dunno, could be two months, could be a few days, whatever. Tyrion is taken by Grey Worm to the pit. The Stars are there, Brienne, Davos, a whole buncha people. Sansa asks Grey Worm where Jon is and he’s like, we got it, this is our city now. Sansa is like, we got people and Grey Worm is like, we got people, too. Yara pipes up and says she swore to follow Dany, who Sansa says was a tyrant and Yara is like, well, so was Cersei, so six of one and half dozen of the other. Yara then makes the mistake of threatening Jon and Arya was like, man, I will slit your throat so damn fast, and Davos was like, y’all, CHILL, B. He tells Grey Worm that he can have the Reach, which is actually a good come-up. But Grey Worm is like, nah, we just want a head for Dany’s death and Tyrion is like, you can’t decide that, only the new king or queen can do that. Tyrion says, well, y’all need to figure this out, don’t you?

-Edmure Tully pipes up after not being around for a season-and-a-half, and tries to make this speech. Sansa is like, MAN, SIT CHO ASS DOWN. It was a simple “please sit”, but with everyone looking at him like, YO SHE TOLD YOU, BRUH, then he couldn’t even sit his ass down in the first place, it was definitely a MAN, SIT CHO ASS DOWN. Edmure Tully……FOH.

-Sam offers democracy. Everyone laughs. It seems like a good idea, but this band of idiots couldn’t make it work. FORESHADOWING.

-They ask Tyrion his opinion, which I thought wasn’t a thing anymore, but even though he has been slipping, he is still smarter than everyone there, outside of maybe Sansa, Sam and Bran, I guess. Tyrion goes on a speech about stories uniting people, and ends up on Bran the Broken, as we’re calling him now, apparently. Sansa is like, Bran can’t have a son and Tyrion is like, cool, men are idiots, the smartest thing he has said in 12 episodes. Tyrion is like, you don’t want it, you don’t care about power, but will you take it and Bran is like, WHY YOU THINK I’M HERE, BRUH……I FOOOOOOOOOLED YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. Bran pulled that okey-doke on mufuckas. Zigged when everyone thought he was gonna zag, unlike his younger brother, Rickon (who doesn’t get a RIP, he deserved every ounce of that shit). Anyway, everyone agrees, and Sansa is like, I’m taking the North as an independent and Bran is like, whatever. Bran then makes Tyrion his Hand because he has been so good at it in the past, and Grey Worm is like, so I don’t get to kill anyone? This is BULLSHIT. How does this dude keep failing up, or at least not failing down? Welcome to life, Grey Worm. Welcome to life.

-Tyrion tells Jon that he is going back to the Night’s Watch, who I thought were all dead and is there any need for them anymore? Jon is still asking if it was right what he did, and Tyrion was like, first, WE did that shit and second, ask me in ten years. Jon says he won’t see Tyrion again, but he will. Tyrion knows his way around, he’ll pop up for a vat of wine and chicken, or whatever Tormund and ’em got up there. Tormund is a big dude. He’s eating SOMETHING up there.

-Jon walks through King’s Landing, and sees Grey Worm, who has a look that says, “I’ma get you someday”. But instead, he says that they’re going to Naath, Missandei’s home, to protect them and if I had to wager a guess, kill more mufuckas. They say their emotional goodbyes or whatever, for some people, I was never a Stark guy, I like two of them and the other three can go fly a kite. But Sansa ends up as Queen of the North, which is great for her and well-deserved after all the garbage and bullshit she has been through. Jon asks Arya to come visit him in the Norf Norf (shouts to Vince Staples), but Arya is like, I’m going as far west as I can. I don’t know what is west, if anything, but cool. She could have also been a lady, but Arya is about that travelin’ life. And then Jon says something to Bran about not being there when he was needed, and Bran was all, you were exactly where you needed to be. Whatever, Bran. Weirdo.

-Brienne rewrites Jaime’s section in the scrolls, not scrolls, the books, whatever they are. That book you write your condolences in at a funeral home. Anyway, she writes, “dies protecting his Queen”, which he absolutely did. And she did that because she is honorable and not petty like the rest of us. This little part here basically sums up Game Of Thrones: mad because it didn’t end the way you wanted it to. She wrote for a RACK of time, too. How much ink did she go through?

-Tyrion is back in the Hand’s chair, with Bronn, and starts straightening chairs, when he is joined by Bronn and Davos. Bronn might have had the best come-up of them all. Kept threatening peoples’ lives until he was the Lord of Highgarden. He is at least top five in the MVP conversation. Sam also enters and says they wrote a book called “A Song of Ice and Fire”, about the wars after Robert’s Rebellion. Tyrion wants to know what they said about him and Sam was like, we didn’t mention you, which, as a writer, is terrible journalism. Like, even just to say he was a jerk who made awful decisions, you gotta mention Tyrone at some point. Anyway, Sam is trash and I hope Drogon eats his family. Bran rolls in with Brienne, finally with a new chair, and he wants new Masters of Whispers (was Varys), Wars (was Grey Worm) and Law (man, I have no idea and nor do I care). Bronn, who is in charge of the money, is enlisted to send supplies from Highgarden and Tyrion wants sewers because I bet King’s Landing smells AWFUL right now, and Bronn is like, so what about these brothels, though? And we’re all back to square. Because like The Wire…..NOAP, can’t say that. I really should just rewatch it and do recaps for it. I mean, I won’t, but I should.

-Jon gets back to Castle Black, where they have apparently started to rebuild the wall because what else are you gon’ do? Tormund sees him like, man, I knew you’d be up there, you’re not build for that royalty life. Arya takes Needle, gets on her ship and goes out west, to Cali, I assume. Sansa gets bowed down to as the Queen of the North. Jon is like, FINALLY, a place where people don’t want me to be responsible and do anything! He sees Ghost, who is missing an ear and I laughed. All the Starks are where they’re supposed to be. Except for Bran.

-Oh, wait, did Jon, Tormund and squad go even further north? Well, whatever, settle down and find you a good wildling girl, or guy, just do something with no responsibility. Although responsibility finds Jon and he is probably the King of the Wildings now, but they seem pretty easygoing.

And that was that. There was some stuff that I wasn’t a fan of (strangely, not really this season, some old shit), but overall, I was always entertained for eight seasons of Game Of Thrones. I have it behind The Wire, Breaking Bad (which I thought I had on here, but it was the old blog) and maybe Mad Men for GOAT of all time, but it just ended, so there is plenty of time for that. But it was fun, I was entertained and in the end, that’s all I really care about.

Thanks for letting me ramble for the last four seasons/five years. This is probably the end of the recaps, but you never know. I still need some sort of outlet to write, so it’ll probably be random stuff, with no warning, and that will be that.

And now, our watch has ended.

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Game Of Thrones S08E05 – The Bells

One episode left in Game Of Thrones, and it’s not gon’ end the way you think it’s gon’ end. There will be a few people that will be fine with the ending, but Game Of Thrones has gotten so big that people just want it to be the way they want it to be.

It’s not that. Just enjoy it.

Let’s go….

-Watching the “Previously On Game Of Thrones” part, and that last look Dany gave the camera…if you didn’t know what it was about to be, that’s on you.

-We open with Varys straight snitchin’ on Jon’s real back story, and one of his little spies is like, she won’t eat because of Missandei’s death, but she also thinks the Unsullied is on to her. Varys about to send this little girl to die. Then he tries and convince Jon to take the Iron Throne because of lineage and all that, and Jon is like, nah, that’s my queen, yo. Also, Jon ain’t about that responsibility life, even though he is probably the best person for the job. That being said, that is a low-ass bar.

-Tyrion sees all this and is like, how can I avoid death by one more day because I keep fuckin’ up? He runs on Dany on some more snitchin’ shit, and she says Jon, but Tyrion is like, actually, it’s Varys and Dany went through the whole snitchin’ tree until she got to Jon. Dany is about to go on tilt, b. You had to have seen this coming.

-Dany looks a mess. You can’t tell me Missandei wasn’t doing her hair.

-Varys is tryna get these letters off when Grey Worm and the squad come down, and he knows what time it is. They lead Varys into a cave, he looks at Tyrion like, you raggedy bitch, and accepts his fate. Tyrion even admitted it and Varys is like, BITCH, I KNOW, GET YOUR HAND OFF ME. No point in even tryna reason with Dany at this point. They burn Varys up, then she has a moment where she gives Grey Worm something of Missandei’s, and he throws that shit in the fire. So, Dany knows she got a real one watching her back. No time for this sentimental shit.

-Dany tells Jon that he shouldn’t have told Sansa shit, and the North don’t love her like that, shouts to Draymond Green and Paul Pierce. She tries to get some secks poppin’, but Jon is like, we probably shouldn’t do this for a number of reasons. Dany is like, welp, alright then, I see where we are, then. Yup, everyone is gettin’ got.

-Tyrion still tries to appeal to Dany, saying something about a bell, which means the city surrenders and mercy and all that. Dany don’t care, though. She is her father’s daughter, Ain’t no mercy. She tried to be nice before. And then she hits Tyrion with, I know you tried to sneak Jaime out, too, and I’ll kill you if you try that shit again. Tyrion just wants to die at this point.

-Jon and Tyrion meet Davos in, I dunno, Dragonstone? I have no idea where he is. Is that still Dragonstone? I don’t care. Jon is like, you need to get everything ready now, we ridin’. Tyrion more or less asks Davos to smuggle Jaime out of wherever he is, which is bold of him. Tyrion also tries to speak to the Unsullied, and they’re like, nah, bitch, we speak English. It’s like me in Montreal when I try to do a little bit of French, and I know the other person speaks English, but they just wanna fuck with me a little. Shoot, if I knew another language, I would, too. Tyrion and Jaime have a great scene, Tyrion tells him where to go to not die, and for the love of God, talk some sense into Cersei. If nothing else, Tyrion is a Lannister: fiercely loyal to his family, even though they definitely don’t deserve it. Jaime, to a lesser extent as well. Cersei, NOAP. If that is the last scene that Peter Dinklage and ┬áNikolaj Coster-Waldau have together, it was fantastic. The heartstrings were pulled. Jaime was all Tyrion had, and Jaime did genuinely love him, as no one else would. And he knows that Dany is gon’ kill him for this when she finds out.

-Zoom in on that bell, because the episode is called “The Bells”. We have Euron and their giant crossbows, ready to go, waiting for Dany, and everyone is piling into the Red Keep. Arya and the Hound are in the crowd, along with Jaime, and that’s not a good start for the Lannister army. Jaime just walkin’ around with a big-ass gold hand and shit. Armies are marching. Cersei finally appears at her perch, sans wine, so you know it is an occasion. They close the gates on people, and that damn near starts a riot, so obviously, Jaime dips off.

-Dany swoops in from the back and starts roasting the Iron Fleet or whatever they’re called, and this shit wouldn’t even be a fair fight if she still had even two dragons. They can’t seem to hit Drogon at all, and he is just BBQin’ mufuckas at will, mans was Steph Curry in Game 6. Grey Worm, Jon and Davos got their squad, but Drogon is like, nah, fire for EVERYONE. So their army rushes in and gets to choppin’. Grey Worm is on a MISSION, bruh. I have no idea where these Dothraki came from, because I thought they all died at Winterfell, but whatever, man. Truth be told, though, they aren’t needed. Dany and Drogon are having their way with the capital, just indiscriminate burning of shit.

-We have spent seven seasons yelling for Dany to use the dragons. She even did it once a season, someone was gettin’ burnt up. But now, she uses the dragons and people are like, innocent people, blah blah blah. Man, y’all don’t care about those people in King’s Landing. Get outta here with that. This is absolutely her character. Everyone kept saying she wasn’t her father, but she has shown enough to me in seven-plus seasons that yes, yes she is.

-Cersei hears Drogon, sees the city burning and is like, hmmmm, this is not how I planned it. She’s adamant though, even though Qyburn is like, we are getting are ASSES KICKED right now. Jon, Grey Worm, Davos and company roll up on some Lannisters as Tyrion surveys the damage. Jaime is still headed for Cersei. Drogon is mad. The Lannisters lay down their swords. Everyone surrenders, people start yelling to ring the damn bell and Cersei is like, for real? Y’all some bums. Everyone is looking at the bell for like, two minutes, and then it sounds. And you think that’s it.

-Dany is like, NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. This is where my father died, this is where I almost died, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAP, FIRE FOR EVERYONE AND WHERE IS CERSEI AT? Jon is confused, and Grey Worm is like, well, their swords are on the ground anyway, let’s get it. And yo…..Drogon is literally zig-zagging and burning untold numbers of mufuckas, man. It was FANTASTIC. Tyrion, Jon, all y’all, stop being surprised. This was always on the table.

-Jon goes into slo-mo mode, kids are laying on the ground and shit, he stays killin’ people though. It’s literally the only thing Jon is good at. Drogon continues to fuck shit up. Euron and Jaime fight in a weird, I dunno, I didn’t really expect it, but anyway, they do that, Drogon is puttin’ up 48 points per game on King’s Landing on some “LeBron in Boston in Game 6 in 2012” shit. Easily the MVP of this episode. Jaime and Euron are still fighting, Jaime wins, even though he got stabbed at least twice. That’s fine. Did we really care about Euron? If you do, you’re a bad person.

-Qyburn tries to take Cersei somewhere safe, and then we get back to Jaime and Euron, and I told you how it ends, but damn, this is still going. Euron also says that he is the man who killed Jaime Lannister, and I mean….just hold on to that for a minute.

-Arya and the Hound finally get to the Red Keep, and the Hound wants Arya to leave and not worry about revenge on Cersei, as he waits for the Mountain. He makes a good point. The Hound has been powered by revenge, and he doesn’t want Arya to end up like him. Which is wonderful, given their history. She even thanks him with his government name.

-The Red Keep is falling. Oh, in the last scene, we saw that green dragonfire that we last saw when Cersei burnt up Religious Bernie Sanders. Apparently, Cersei didn’t use it all. Anyway, the Hound runs into his brother, Cersei and everyone, and he kills the Kingsguard like it was nothing. Cersei orders the Mountain to stay with her, and Qyburn tries to intervene, and he gets thrown into some rocks. Cersei is like, I can see this is a family thing, so if you don’t mind, (and this is some real Scotian shit), I’ma just sneak right by ya and go about my business. Also, the judges will accept, “skootch”. Anyway, people get CleganeBowl, so there, y’all got something, good grief.

-Cersei is wandering around, hearing dragons and wanting wine, and of course, Jaime finds her. They have their little moment as the Red Keep is falling down on them, while CleganeBowl is going on, and the Hound quickly realizes that, I can stab him hundreds of times, but it doesn’t matter, because he is practically a zombie. Mans walks down the steps like Thanos and shit, and proceeds to start messin’ up the Hound, and Arya probably hears it because she’s special like that. Arya runs through King’s Landing like an obstacle course, as the Hound is meeting his end, the Mountain is just wildin’ on him.

-Drogon is STILL fuckin’ shit up.

-The Mountain starts to dig out the Hound’s eyes, until the Hound stabs him in the eye with a knife, which is just a minor inconvenience. But the Hound sacrifices himself to take the Mountain down into the fire that is ALL of King’s Landing. That was always gon’ end in a draw.

-Jon and Davos tries to get everyone to fall back because Drogon, well, let me rephrase (and I’m not going back to change past references), Dany is outchea wildin’ out. Arya wakes up a hot mess, but she ain’t dead. She tries to lead some woman and her child to safety, but that ends in some Drogon hot fiya for ya face. Seriously, this Drogon performance is incredible. Jaime and Cersei get to, I believe where Tyrion told Jaime to go, and Cersei is like, I want our baby to live. Yeah, missus, I think it’s a little late for all that. The Red Keep collapses and it is presumed that they’re dead now. I mean, Game Of Thrones has done this before, with Stannis and not showing us his death. Truth be told, this is probably my biggest issue with this season, is that I didn’t see Cersei die. I’m black and white with Cersei: I either wanted her to win, or to die viciously and bloodily. Jaime, meh, I’m fine with that.

-And that being said, I’m not 100% they’re dead. I don’t know why, I’m probably wrong. But I don’t.

-Arya looks around at the carnage, and is like, maybe I should try this whole lady shit that Gendry was talkin’ about. But nah, she got bigger fish to fry now. And then she finds a horse and rides the fuck off like a G.

I had a big conclusion written, but it didn’t save before I published. So, I’ll try to remember everything I wrote (which obviously isn’t happening). Sansa is gon’ be back at Winterfell like, I TOLD Y’ALL SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED. Someone has to take to Dany out before she turns on Jon and the Starks, and my money is probably on Arya, but I wouldn’t bet against Bran gettin’ his Raven on. Tyrion probably doesn’t make it out alive. If I had a guess, Sansa is left standing. I really don’t care at this point, though. I literally don’t care about opinions and “facts” and theories or any of that. 80 minutes to go, and I’m going to enjoy it. I suggest you do, too, or else, what are we doing this for?

Game Of Thrones S08E04 – Last Of The Starks

After the carnage of “The Long Night”, “Last Of The Starks” was a much-needed respite for Game Of Thrones, although it seems like I’m the only one who liked the episode. I really only need to know a couple things about how this is going to end, but I won’t be pressed if I don’t find out. Life will go on.

And with the biggest cup of Starbucks I can muster, let’s go…….

-There is a long-ass funeral that I feel could have been shorter. Dany cries over Jorah, aight, cool. Sansa cries over Theon, fuck that. She also gives him what seems to be a letter opener, but it is still pointy enough that she might regret that later. Then again, she doesn’t seem to know how knives work anyway. Ghost is alive, bloody, but alive, and I feel like people would have just watched 80 minutes of him running around, rather than what actually happened. The only thing I can gather from this is that, man, Winterfell must have smelled like ass after burning all those bodies. And what do wights smell like when they die? Lavender? Feet? A large pile of Taylor Swift albums? I’ll let you be the judge. Anyway, this was long.

-And now, the party starts as Dany, Jon and Sansa sit rather awkwardly at the head of the hall. Gendry is looking for Arya, and he asks the Hound if he has seen her, and the Hound is like, all this death and you tryna smash again? Come on, bruh. He gets called out by Dany, who says he knows who he is, and who his father is, you know, the one that stole the throne from the Targaryens and tried to kill baby Dany Stormborn. She wonders who is the lord of Storm’s End, and everyone is like, what the hell is Storm’s End. Turns out it’s Baratheon property and Dany makes Gendry the lord of that joint, which is a helluva promotion from weapon-maker for Mr. Arya Stark. But it earns her a little bit of goodwill which is surely going to go up in flames (pun intended). Still, all this was, was a flex from Dany to be like, yup, this that Queen shit right here, dogg. I can do this, if y’all act right. Sansa is not buying it, tho. Not even a little bit. If these two could get on the same page, we wouldn’t even need Episode 6. Shit would be a wrap next week. But we’ll get to that.

-So I’m watching it again and I still didn’t notice the Starbucks cup. Didn’t even know it was a thing until the next day. So y’all can’t see during a battle, but you can see a Starbucks cup. Did you figure out that there was a brightness setting on your television? People are hilarious.

-Jaime and Brienne’s little flirting starts, everyone is happy, but the Hound, who ain’t been happy since ’76. Tyrion and Bran have an exchange and Bran says he doesn’t want to be the Lord of Winterfell because he is lives in the past, and Tyrion is like, why can’t you just be NORMAL? Bran is the Kyrie Irving of this shit, always speaking in tongues and not making any sense. Jaime, Tyrion and Brienne start playing Never Have I Ever, which is some real Grade 6 shit if I ever heard it, and Brienne stays smiling at Jaime and God, just get it over with. Tormund is drunkenly extolling Jon’s courage and all that, and Dany is in the back like, bitch, I brought dragons and a rack of people and boats, and I can’t get a little love? Dany about to get up like Nino Brown in New Jack City on some “I BUILT THIS SHIT”. And that Mad Targaryen starts to creep in, which has been coming for like, I dunno, eight seasons? And Varys is in the back like, yup, I’ve seen this before. Because all Dany wants is her corners (another Wire reference), and everyone else will burn in hellfire if she doesn’t.

-Tyrion guesses that Brienne is a virgin and she’s like, fuck this game, yo, I’ll cut you. Tormund wanders over and if nothing else, he is determined. But Jaime follows Brienne and Tormund is like, dammit, I’ve been beaten, how did that happen. He really should take lessons from Pod, who gets a smile from a lady and we know how he gets down. Tormund is venting to the Hound, and I can’t think of anyone in Westeros who gives less of a fuck about Tormund’s love life than the Hound. He don’t even want to get up with these girls who sit with him and Tormund, who is like, welp, move on to the next one, or two, whatever. Sansa sits down with him and is like, fuck is your problem, b? The Hound alludes to her rapes and Sansa is like, yup and I fed that bitch to the hounds, who actually kinda smiled and it was really weird. He says that if he had left Winterfell with her, she wouldn’t have run into all those problems and Sansa is like, I’d be a little bird all my life without those lessons. Her character arc might be the most impressive in the show. She still makes some dumb moves, but that could be the tagline of Game Of Thrones. GoT: We All Do Dumb Shit, But Here We Are. Shit sounds like an Earl Sweatshirt album.

-Gendry finds Arya and is like, I got this promotion, yo, we movin’ on up to the east side, shouts to The Jeffersons. Arya is like, yeah, NAH. She’s not a lady, she never wanted to be a lady, and that’s just not her jam. And that is fine. Arya would be bored as hell, and would start picking off random people. Also, it’s awesome that Arya just did what she did, and how does she celebrate? By shooting arrows. Arya is Kobe Bryant out here, gettin’ shots up in the gym after a game. Meanwhile, Jaime and Brienne have sex. Cool.

-Dany and Jon seem like they’re gon’ get it poppin’, but then they decide that they should talk about some stuff. She does come out and say that she is jealous at the way everyone looks at Jon at Winterfell, and he doesn’t want the place, but Dany is like, damn what you want, they want you as King, you’ll be King and then what about me? Dany tries to tell him to do the smart thing and not tell anyone, but Jon’s honorable raised-by-Ned-Stark headass is like, nah, I gotta tell Sansa, Arya and Bran, who already knows, but I’ll give Bran this: he ain’t a snitch. Not like I would have done. Soon as I found out, I would have had the dragons do a flyover saying, JON IS A TARGARYEN just above Winterfell.

-Jon, Dany and the squad are in the war room playing RISK, and they realize that they got pretty messed up by the Night King and his crew. Dany wants to roll up on King’s Landing and wreck shop, but Tyrion stays tryna keep Cersei alive, which is so very dumb. He used to be the most clever person in Westeros, as Sansa said, but my man Tyrone, he’s slippin’. Might gotta die. Sansa is like, man, can we at least rest before we go and do this? It’s a good plan, the people they have left are likely bruised up and might be missing a toe. It’s probably the smart move. But we’ve been watching people do dumb shit for eight seasons, so of course, Dany is like, nah, we ridin’ now. Sansa and Arya don’t agree, and I don’t even know if Bran was there in the mental, and he don’t care anyway.

-The Starks meet out by the Face Tree, and Sansa is like, yo, we can’t trust her. Arya is like, we can’t trust her, but we did need that army, so you had to do what you had to do. She says they are the last of the Starks and they’re all they got, and Jon is like, I’ve never been Stark and Bran snaps out of it finally, like that girl floating across the gif of Migos and Joe Budden about to fight, like what y’all talkin’ about, anything good? He says to Jon, it’s your choice and he makes them swear not to tell anyone. They swear, but Sansa probably had her fingers crossed behind her back. Jon can’t even do it, he gets Bran to tell them. Jon is so stupid.

-Tyrion says that he is happy that Jaime is happy, and makes a tall joke, which isn’t his best. Again, Tyrone is slippin’. And they both are, because Bronn rolls in the spot with the crossbow and makes it very clear that he is there to kill them. He also hits Tyrion in the nose, but this was a damn good scene between the three of them. This is a spin-off I’d be down with, just watching those three talkin’ shit. Anyway, Bronn’s whole plan is like, Cersei offered me Riverrun, what can y’all offer, and Tyrion says that he’ll give Bronn Highgarden, the Tyrells’ old crib (shouts to Lady O). See, Bronn is always looking for a deal, if he really wanted to kill them, he would have. And it isn’t because they’re friends, it’s because he likes money and stuff. Which will be the end of him, of course.

-The Hound and Arya decide that they’re going to King’s Landing, him to fight his brother, her to kill Cersei. It would probably be best if they told someone. But I guess not. But I’m okay with that. They can handle themselves.

-The squad make their way to Dragonstone, Dany’s family crib, while Tyrion and Sansa have a chat. Tyrion is like, what’s your beef with her, and Sansa is like, the army is gone, Jon is gone, you’re afraid of her because she’ll burn your ass up, and all my family has died up in the capital. Tyrion is like, Jon told me that he isn’t a Stark and Sansa is like, OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY DO I GOT SOME TEA FOR YOU. Someone on Twitter said Sansa started a group chat within seconds of finding out. She damn near popped a vein tryna keep that secret in.

-Tormund and Jon say their goodbyes, peace, God. I think we have seen the last of him. Sam and Gilly come to say goodbye as well, she is pregnant, so they’re like, yeah, all this fighting shit is for the birds. But we’ll see Sam again, maybe not Gilly and the baby, who is hopefully a girl named Jon. Definitely 15/10 will see Sam again. Oh, and Jon sends Ghost off with Tormund, and Ghost is like, fuck is this shit? I ain’t did nothing to no one! People were MAD. I laughed.

-Of course, Tyrion tells Varys, and he wants to marry the two of them since Varys is still skeptical of Dany. Varys is like, yeah, they don’t play that incest stuff in the North. Varys is all about the realm, so I guess, the people, which he has said for years. Anyway, they get to Dragonstone and everything is going so swell, Dany is smiling, the dragons are happy, and then BOOM, Jon’s dragon catches a giant arrow to the chest and looks down like, fuck is this? And then BOOM, another one to the neck. Euron and his crew are chillin’ behind a big-ass rock, which no one managed to catch. I’m okay with it. Again, Dany has never been a tactical genius, she just had a big army and three dragons. It’s like the Warriors and Kevin Durant: ain’t no plays, just give it to him and get out of the way. That’s a lot of sports references in this joint. But it is playoff time. Dany is PISSED and aims to divebomb the boats, but thinks better of it and somehow manages to not lose her dragon. Even Euron is like, so I hit one dragon with two, but we can’t hit one dragon with like, 20 arrows? But he refocuses on her fleet, and well, it doesn’t go well for Team Stormborn. Tyrion almost dies like fiftyeleven times, and ends up in the water with everyone else, and they make it to shore. Grey Worm is looking for Missandei. This is ABSOLUTELY not gon’ end well.

-Finally, the homie Cersei is chillin’, lying to Euron about it being his baby because there is no Maury in Westeros (Is there? Could it be Varys?). Cersei is betting that Dany won’t kill thousands of innocent people, so leave the door open for her and oh yeah, we got Missandei, so that’s a bird in the hand. What a dumb saying that is. Something about hands and bushes and people just made shit up back in the…..actually, we still make up dumb shit. It is smart of Cersei to keep the people in the Red Keep, as to ward off Dany. Hahahahahaha…..if only Dany cared about the kids. In the words of the great Michael Jordan (he didn’t really say this….or did he? He didn’t, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all if he did)…..

-Grey Worm is like, I’m killin’ EVERYONE. Varys tries to tell Dany that this is a mistake and she isn’t having it whatsoever. She said that she was there to free the people of tyrants, but she’ll kill anyone that stands in her way. That’s some good hypocrisy. Tyrion is still tryna keep Dany to kill Cersei, and man, Tyrone, it just has to be this way. Cersei is every bad thing that everyone says about her, and oh my goodness, so much more. Varys is like, this is not a good move, bruh, and I’m going to do something about it, something that has to do with Jon getting on the throne. Varys, The People’s Champ, really outchea tryna get everyone killed. Everyone wants Jon to do a job that he does not want. Tyrion is like, DON’T. Varys is like, well, we’ll see.

-Brienne and Sansa tells Jaime that Dany’s squad got jacked by Cersei and ’em, so obviously, Jaime sneaks in Brienne’s room to do some thinking, and then sneaks out when she wakes up. She goes outside and begs him to stay, but Jaime gotta go and kill his sisterwife. Wifesister? Mother of his children, at the very least. He kinda owes it to everyone. Jaime let a LOT of fuckery go where Cersei is concerned. Shit, he has participated in a solid 40-50% of it. Actually, an extra 10% for kickin’ Bran out the window. Actually, let’s go with a solid 94% of Cersei fuckery has involved Jaime in some sort of way. The extra 6% is attributed to wine. That sucks for Brienne, tho. Gendry, too. Oh well. Big person pants on. No time for shook ones now.

-Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, Tyrion, the dragon and like 40 Unsullied walk up to King’s Landing like they’re selling Girl Guide cookies. Cersei has Missandei on the edge of the wall, and that’s gon’ be a long drop. Dammit, I love Lena Headey. I have no business wanting Cersei to win and I know that she won’t, but Lena has been a beast over the last seven-plus seasons. She should have at least one Emmy. Anyway, they stare at each other for a few minutes before Tyrion walks up to the door, where he is greeted by Qyburn. He tries to talk sense into Qyburn, who ain’t tryna hear it, so Tyrion walks past him to Cersei, who is known for her great listening skills.

-Her shooters point at Tyrion, she tells them to fall back because if Cersei gets to kill Tyrion, it’s going to be way more gross and evil than just a buncha arrows. Think of what she did to the Shame Nun and then multiply that by the number of glasses of wine Cersei has drank in seven-plus seasons. And add spears and knives. And definitely the Mountain.

-For what seems like the 98th time in this show, Tyrion asks Cersei to not be trash for two seconds, and think about her kid. Cersei is like, I might not even be pregnant, so whatever. She asks Missandei what her last words are, and Missandei is like, DRACARYS, aka, y’all better burn this bitch to the GROUND. Cersei is like, I admire that, but the Mountain gotta behead ya. And with that, there goes the best hair in Westeros. If I’m Dany, I’m killing Tyrion right then and there. Enough of all this talking and tryna be nice with Cersei. She is the WORST. She doesn’t deal with negotiations and talking. And Grey Worm is gon’ run up in the Red Keep like the last wrestler in the Royal Rumble. He is catchin’ so many bodies next week. He’ll probably die along the way, but he is taking a buncha people with him. He might have to fight the Hound to get to the Mountain.

Pssssssh, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next two episodes. I saw the next week joint, but I forget it already and I’m okay with that. I’m just soaking all this up. It’s pretty hilarious how the audience has turned on Game Of Thrones, but that says more about us than it does about them. But I’m here for all of the fuckery that is coming our way, and I want the most ridiculous ending possible. I want Cersei riding a dragon into a Six Flags, and I want a scene where Dany walks into a Starbucks and the barista has to say all 46 of her names. Oh, and next week is directed by the battle director from last week, so for the love of God, figure out where your brightness setting is if a nighttime battle. Google it if you have to.

Until the next one…..