Author Archives: Neil

About Neil

Recapper of television stuff and/or things.

Game Of Thrones S08E06 – The Iron Throne

Well, that’s it. 73 episodes of Game Of Thrones down the hatch. Y’all were never going to be happy with how it ended. That sounds exhausting. I wish it was as bad as the Dexter finale, so y’all would know how good y’all had it.

Let’s go, for the last time……

-We begin with Tyrion walking through King’s Landing, surveying the wreckage after Dany and Drogon mowed the lawn…….OF PEOPLE. Then, he walks by a zombie from The Walking Dead, who looks like he needs a Powerade. Jon and Davos are with him, and Jon is like, it’s not safe, take some people with you. Bruh, the damage is done, I think you’re good now. Anyway, Tyrion wants to go and find Cersei and Jaime. And everyone is still surprised that Dany did what she did, even though she said, I dunno, a long time ago, that she was taking what is hers in fire and blood. And she has burnt up a whole buncha people, places and things in the past. But fine, don’t listen. Y’all would wild out if your best friends died and Cersei’s smug face was being all Cersei and smugly, too. Or maybe you’d just sign a petition about it.

-Grey Worm is about this vengeance life, and Jon and Davos wants to stop him, and Grey Worm is like, bitch, are y’all the queens? Jon tries to grab Grey Worm and the Unsullied are like, yeah, not a good idea. Davos gets him to go and talk to Dany, and Grey Worm is like, I’ma do this killin’. You didn’t see that video of us dancing? Nope, EVERYONE GOTTA DIE. His killin’ arm must have been tired as shit after that.

-Tyrion gets to the Red Keep, and manages to find Jaime and Cersei. Strangely, I think the tears were also for Cersei, because again, Tyrion is fiercely loyal to his family, even though they were all such raging douches to him. I bet Cersei had some wine on her, too. Hide that shit in Jaime’s hand.

-Arya watches the DothSullied crew celebrate, while Jon walks all the way up like, 14,000 steps, and there is Grey Worm, who is not only not tired from all the killin’, but he has to be terribly efficient as well. That was a lot of killin’ to do, then beat Jon up there. Just then, Drogon rolls in and appears behind Dany in the best shot of the season, and one of the very best of the series. She makes some speech about liberating the other places around Westeros, which is really the only sequel I’d watch, just Dany and Drogon, setting fire to the entire, I dunno, what is it, a continent? A country? I dunno. I’ve heard something about her being compared to Hitler for this speech, and I think people read a little too much into a show with dragons and ice zombies. It’s really not that deep. You think Hitler would have that many black people around him? But if you wanna waste valuable brain space on that, have at ‘er. Grey Worm is now in charge of killin’ and fightin’, which might be the best move she has made in eight seasons.

-Arya looks like she wants to do something. After what she did to the Night King, I’d LOVE to see that.

-Tyrion rolls up on Dany like, the fuck was all that about and Dany is like, if you don’t sit your treasonous ass down somewhere. Tyrion is like, fuck it, here is my two weeks’ notice and you can have this Walmart-ass brooch back, too. The DothSullied are waiting for Dany to tell ’em to Hulk Smash, but she just orders him to be taken away. And here, I knew Tyrion wouldn’t die, because he would have died right then and there. But they ain’t killin’ Dinklage at this point, if he hadn’t already. Jon looks at Dany in disappointment and she gives -47 fucks about his feelings.

-Arya sidles up to Jon, and he tries to tell her to go wait for him outside the gates. At this point, all this big brother shit is cool, but Arya can take care of herself. I needed her to say, “did YOU kill the Night King?”. That should be her response to literally everything. Anyway, Arya tries to warn him again because Dany knows who he is, which means he is a threat and he needs to be careful.

-Jon visits Tyrion, wine-less, which isn’t fitting of a good friend. Tyrion accepts his fate and lists all the bad shit he has done in his life, although his mother, not really his fault, but throw it on the list anyway. Jon then tries to pin Dany’s shit on Tyrion, saying that he was the one that guided her, and again, Tyrion owned up to it and said he thought he could, but he couldn’t, and King’s Landing paid for it. Jon says that the war is over, and Tyrion is like, did you not JUST hear her? Dany has been on her Harriet Tubman tour for friggin’ eight seasons, burnin’ people up, but it’s going to stop now? Okay, bud. But he also says to Jon that he, too, has been on a dragon and he wouldn’t have done what she did, which is true. Because Dany has killed way more people than anyone. But it was usually for good, and the more she kills, the more she thinks she is right, tryna build a better world for everyone (again, NOT something that Hitler would do). Jon has a confused look on his face. The same one we’ve seen for eight seasons.

-Whew, this scene is long. Great (well, on Dinklage’s part, anyway), but long.

-Tyrion hits Jon with the “you love her, and love is more powerful than reason”. Wooooo buddy, you ain’t never lied. We’ve all been there at one point or another. He also points out that Jon has always protected the people. But who is the biggest threat to the people now? Tyrone outchea makin’ too much sense. He tells Jon all the same shit Arya said to him, that he isn’t going to be the last man she executes, and Jon is the biggest threat of all, and Jon is like, that’s fine, she is the Queen, I’m not going to kill her. Tyrion then repeats what Arya said, that Sansa would never bend the knee, and Jon still won’t kill Dany. He knows what he has to do, but that Ned Stark shit has Jon being all noble and shit.

-Jon is walking through the Red Keep and walks up on a sleeping Drogon, who gives him a sniff and goes back to sleep. Drogon is like, I SHOULD kill you, but I’ll see what Moms has to say. What a good boy. Better than Ghost. In fact, Ghostface Killah is better than Ghost.

-Dany finally sees the Iron Throne, which she has been waiting to see for quite a while, I’d say. But she doesn’t get to sit down on what looks to be a terribly uncomfortable throne before Jon rolled in. Can they get her one of those joints that you use in your computer chairs? Not one single ruler has thought of that. Good grief. Anyway, Jon tries to appeal mercy to Dany, who isn’t having it, and this is Cersei’s fault, which, I mean, she’s not entirely wrong. Anyway, blah blah, mercy and NOAP, and she wants Jon to come with her and they’ll break the wheel. And Jon was like, nah, catch this dagger to the chest, b. In the words of the illustrious X-Files, “trust no one”.

-Drogon comes around, like he hears his moms calling from the other room to turn the television, even though the remote is right in front of her. He swoops down and starts tryna move her dead body, lookin’ like the mother from “Boyz N The Hood”. He is PISSED, and it looks like he is going to kill Jon, but instead he burns the Iron Throne. I did actually think that he was going to burn Jon, who deserved it. I think it was because Drogon was like, man, fuck this throne, it looks mad uncomfortable, it probably gives you hemorrhoids, and it makes people do fucked-up things, for better or for worse.

-I’ve seen some people say, oh, a dragon couldn’t know all that. But guess what, I’ma let you in on a secret: DRAGONS AREN’T REAL. So I’ma keep thinking that Drogon made sense of it all, said this is stupid, took Dany somewhere, probably ate her because, I mean, come on, why not, and then he went to DeVry and got a diploma or something. Maybe he went and got a trade as a welder. It might take a minute to figure out how much fire he needs for a pipe (I know nothing about welding, so if this sounds wrong…..I don’t care), but he’ll figure. Drogon is a strong and independent dragon, who lost his moms and his two brothers, and he can do what he wants.

-Fast forward, I dunno, could be two months, could be a few days, whatever. Tyrion is taken by Grey Worm to the pit. The Stars are there, Brienne, Davos, a whole buncha people. Sansa asks Grey Worm where Jon is and he’s like, we got it, this is our city now. Sansa is like, we got people and Grey Worm is like, we got people, too. Yara pipes up and says she swore to follow Dany, who Sansa says was a tyrant and Yara is like, well, so was Cersei, so six of one and half dozen of the other. Yara then makes the mistake of threatening Jon and Arya was like, man, I will slit your throat so damn fast, and Davos was like, y’all, CHILL, B. He tells Grey Worm that he can have the Reach, which is actually a good come-up. But Grey Worm is like, nah, we just want a head for Dany’s death and Tyrion is like, you can’t decide that, only the new king or queen can do that. Tyrion says, well, y’all need to figure this out, don’t you?

-Edmure Tully pipes up after not being around for a season-and-a-half, and tries to make this speech. Sansa is like, MAN, SIT CHO ASS DOWN. It was a simple “please sit”, but with everyone looking at him like, YO SHE TOLD YOU, BRUH, then he couldn’t even sit his ass down in the first place, it was definitely a MAN, SIT CHO ASS DOWN. Edmure Tully……FOH.

-Sam offers democracy. Everyone laughs. It seems like a good idea, but this band of idiots couldn’t make it work. FORESHADOWING.

-They ask Tyrion his opinion, which I thought wasn’t a thing anymore, but even though he has been slipping, he is still smarter than everyone there, outside of maybe Sansa, Sam and Bran, I guess. Tyrion goes on a speech about stories uniting people, and ends up on Bran the Broken, as we’re calling him now, apparently. Sansa is like, Bran can’t have a son and Tyrion is like, cool, men are idiots, the smartest thing he has said in 12 episodes. Tyrion is like, you don’t want it, you don’t care about power, but will you take it and Bran is like, WHY YOU THINK I’M HERE, BRUH……I FOOOOOOOOOLED YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. Bran pulled that okey-doke on mufuckas. Zigged when everyone thought he was gonna zag, unlike his younger brother, Rickon (who doesn’t get a RIP, he deserved every ounce of that shit). Anyway, everyone agrees, and Sansa is like, I’m taking the North as an independent and Bran is like, whatever. Bran then makes Tyrion his Hand because he has been so good at it in the past, and Grey Worm is like, so I don’t get to kill anyone? This is BULLSHIT. How does this dude keep failing up, or at least not failing down? Welcome to life, Grey Worm. Welcome to life.

-Tyrion tells Jon that he is going back to the Night’s Watch, who I thought were all dead and is there any need for them anymore? Jon is still asking if it was right what he did, and Tyrion was like, first, WE did that shit and second, ask me in ten years. Jon says he won’t see Tyrion again, but he will. Tyrion knows his way around, he’ll pop up for a vat of wine and chicken, or whatever Tormund and ’em got up there. Tormund is a big dude. He’s eating SOMETHING up there.

-Jon walks through King’s Landing, and sees Grey Worm, who has a look that says, “I’ma get you someday”. But instead, he says that they’re going to Naath, Missandei’s home, to protect them and if I had to wager a guess, kill more mufuckas. They say their emotional goodbyes or whatever, for some people, I was never a Stark guy, I like two of them and the other three can go fly a kite. But Sansa ends up as Queen of the North, which is great for her and well-deserved after all the garbage and bullshit she has been through. Jon asks Arya to come visit him in the Norf Norf (shouts to Vince Staples), but Arya is like, I’m going as far west as I can. I don’t know what is west, if anything, but cool. She could have also been a lady, but Arya is about that travelin’ life. And then Jon says something to Bran about not being there when he was needed, and Bran was all, you were exactly where you needed to be. Whatever, Bran. Weirdo.

-Brienne rewrites Jaime’s section in the scrolls, not scrolls, the books, whatever they are. That book you write your condolences in at a funeral home. Anyway, she writes, “dies protecting his Queen”, which he absolutely did. And she did that because she is honorable and not petty like the rest of us. This little part here basically sums up Game Of Thrones: mad because it didn’t end the way you wanted it to. She wrote for a RACK of time, too. How much ink did she go through?

-Tyrion is back in the Hand’s chair, with Bronn, and starts straightening chairs, when he is joined by Bronn and Davos. Bronn might have had the best come-up of them all. Kept threatening peoples’ lives until he was the Lord of Highgarden. He is at least top five in the MVP conversation. Sam also enters and says they wrote a book called “A Song of Ice and Fire”, about the wars after Robert’s Rebellion. Tyrion wants to know what they said about him and Sam was like, we didn’t mention you, which, as a writer, is terrible journalism. Like, even just to say he was a jerk who made awful decisions, you gotta mention Tyrone at some point. Anyway, Sam is trash and I hope Drogon eats his family. Bran rolls in with Brienne, finally with a new chair, and he wants new Masters of Whispers (was Varys), Wars (was Grey Worm) and Law (man, I have no idea and nor do I care). Bronn, who is in charge of the money, is enlisted to send supplies from Highgarden and Tyrion wants sewers because I bet King’s Landing smells AWFUL right now, and Bronn is like, so what about these brothels, though? And we’re all back to square. Because like The Wire…..NOAP, can’t say that. I really should just rewatch it and do recaps for it. I mean, I won’t, but I should.

-Jon gets back to Castle Black, where they have apparently started to rebuild the wall because what else are you gon’ do? Tormund sees him like, man, I knew you’d be up there, you’re not build for that royalty life. Arya takes Needle, gets on her ship and goes out west, to Cali, I assume. Sansa gets bowed down to as the Queen of the North. Jon is like, FINALLY, a place where people don’t want me to be responsible and do anything! He sees Ghost, who is missing an ear and I laughed. All the Starks are where they’re supposed to be. Except for Bran.

-Oh, wait, did Jon, Tormund and squad go even further north? Well, whatever, settle down and find you a good wildling girl, or guy, just do something with no responsibility. Although responsibility finds Jon and he is probably the King of the Wildings now, but they seem pretty easygoing.

And that was that. There was some stuff that I wasn’t a fan of (strangely, not really this season, some old shit), but overall, I was always entertained for eight seasons of Game Of Thrones. I have it behind The Wire, Breaking Bad (which I thought I had on here, but it was the old blog) and maybe Mad Men for GOAT of all time, but it just ended, so there is plenty of time for that. But it was fun, I was entertained and in the end, that’s all I really care about.

Thanks for letting me ramble for the last four seasons/five years. This is probably the end of the recaps, but you never know. I still need some sort of outlet to write, so it’ll probably be random stuff, with no warning, and that will be that.

And now, our watch has ended.

Advertisements

Game Of Thrones S08E05 – The Bells

One episode left in Game Of Thrones, and it’s not gon’ end the way you think it’s gon’ end. There will be a few people that will be fine with the ending, but Game Of Thrones has gotten so big that people just want it to be the way they want it to be.

It’s not that. Just enjoy it.

Let’s go….

-Watching the “Previously On Game Of Thrones” part, and that last look Dany gave the camera…if you didn’t know what it was about to be, that’s on you.

-We open with Varys straight snitchin’ on Jon’s real back story, and one of his little spies is like, she won’t eat because of Missandei’s death, but she also thinks the Unsullied is on to her. Varys about to send this little girl to die. Then he tries and convince Jon to take the Iron Throne because of lineage and all that, and Jon is like, nah, that’s my queen, yo. Also, Jon ain’t about that responsibility life, even though he is probably the best person for the job. That being said, that is a low-ass bar.

-Tyrion sees all this and is like, how can I avoid death by one more day because I keep fuckin’ up? He runs on Dany on some more snitchin’ shit, and she says Jon, but Tyrion is like, actually, it’s Varys and Dany went through the whole snitchin’ tree until she got to Jon. Dany is about to go on tilt, b. You had to have seen this coming.

-Dany looks a mess. You can’t tell me Missandei wasn’t doing her hair.

-Varys is tryna get these letters off when Grey Worm and the squad come down, and he knows what time it is. They lead Varys into a cave, he looks at Tyrion like, you raggedy bitch, and accepts his fate. Tyrion even admitted it and Varys is like, BITCH, I KNOW, GET YOUR HAND OFF ME. No point in even tryna reason with Dany at this point. They burn Varys up, then she has a moment where she gives Grey Worm something of Missandei’s, and he throws that shit in the fire. So, Dany knows she got a real one watching her back. No time for this sentimental shit.

-Dany tells Jon that he shouldn’t have told Sansa shit, and the North don’t love her like that, shouts to Draymond Green and Paul Pierce. She tries to get some secks poppin’, but Jon is like, we probably shouldn’t do this for a number of reasons. Dany is like, welp, alright then, I see where we are, then. Yup, everyone is gettin’ got.

-Tyrion still tries to appeal to Dany, saying something about a bell, which means the city surrenders and mercy and all that. Dany don’t care, though. She is her father’s daughter, Ain’t no mercy. She tried to be nice before. And then she hits Tyrion with, I know you tried to sneak Jaime out, too, and I’ll kill you if you try that shit again. Tyrion just wants to die at this point.

-Jon and Tyrion meet Davos in, I dunno, Dragonstone? I have no idea where he is. Is that still Dragonstone? I don’t care. Jon is like, you need to get everything ready now, we ridin’. Tyrion more or less asks Davos to smuggle Jaime out of wherever he is, which is bold of him. Tyrion also tries to speak to the Unsullied, and they’re like, nah, bitch, we speak English. It’s like me in Montreal when I try to do a little bit of French, and I know the other person speaks English, but they just wanna fuck with me a little. Shoot, if I knew another language, I would, too. Tyrion and Jaime have a great scene, Tyrion tells him where to go to not die, and for the love of God, talk some sense into Cersei. If nothing else, Tyrion is a Lannister: fiercely loyal to his family, even though they definitely don’t deserve it. Jaime, to a lesser extent as well. Cersei, NOAP. If that is the last scene that Peter Dinklage and  Nikolaj Coster-Waldau have together, it was fantastic. The heartstrings were pulled. Jaime was all Tyrion had, and Jaime did genuinely love him, as no one else would. And he knows that Dany is gon’ kill him for this when she finds out.

-Zoom in on that bell, because the episode is called “The Bells”. We have Euron and their giant crossbows, ready to go, waiting for Dany, and everyone is piling into the Red Keep. Arya and the Hound are in the crowd, along with Jaime, and that’s not a good start for the Lannister army. Jaime just walkin’ around with a big-ass gold hand and shit. Armies are marching. Cersei finally appears at her perch, sans wine, so you know it is an occasion. They close the gates on people, and that damn near starts a riot, so obviously, Jaime dips off.

-Dany swoops in from the back and starts roasting the Iron Fleet or whatever they’re called, and this shit wouldn’t even be a fair fight if she still had even two dragons. They can’t seem to hit Drogon at all, and he is just BBQin’ mufuckas at will, mans was Steph Curry in Game 6. Grey Worm, Jon and Davos got their squad, but Drogon is like, nah, fire for EVERYONE. So their army rushes in and gets to choppin’. Grey Worm is on a MISSION, bruh. I have no idea where these Dothraki came from, because I thought they all died at Winterfell, but whatever, man. Truth be told, though, they aren’t needed. Dany and Drogon are having their way with the capital, just indiscriminate burning of shit.

-We have spent seven seasons yelling for Dany to use the dragons. She even did it once a season, someone was gettin’ burnt up. But now, she uses the dragons and people are like, innocent people, blah blah blah. Man, y’all don’t care about those people in King’s Landing. Get outta here with that. This is absolutely her character. Everyone kept saying she wasn’t her father, but she has shown enough to me in seven-plus seasons that yes, yes she is.

-Cersei hears Drogon, sees the city burning and is like, hmmmm, this is not how I planned it. She’s adamant though, even though Qyburn is like, we are getting are ASSES KICKED right now. Jon, Grey Worm, Davos and company roll up on some Lannisters as Tyrion surveys the damage. Jaime is still headed for Cersei. Drogon is mad. The Lannisters lay down their swords. Everyone surrenders, people start yelling to ring the damn bell and Cersei is like, for real? Y’all some bums. Everyone is looking at the bell for like, two minutes, and then it sounds. And you think that’s it.

-Dany is like, NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. This is where my father died, this is where I almost died, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAP, FIRE FOR EVERYONE AND WHERE IS CERSEI AT? Jon is confused, and Grey Worm is like, well, their swords are on the ground anyway, let’s get it. And yo…..Drogon is literally zig-zagging and burning untold numbers of mufuckas, man. It was FANTASTIC. Tyrion, Jon, all y’all, stop being surprised. This was always on the table.

-Jon goes into slo-mo mode, kids are laying on the ground and shit, he stays killin’ people though. It’s literally the only thing Jon is good at. Drogon continues to fuck shit up. Euron and Jaime fight in a weird, I dunno, I didn’t really expect it, but anyway, they do that, Drogon is puttin’ up 48 points per game on King’s Landing on some “LeBron in Boston in Game 6 in 2012” shit. Easily the MVP of this episode. Jaime and Euron are still fighting, Jaime wins, even though he got stabbed at least twice. That’s fine. Did we really care about Euron? If you do, you’re a bad person.

-Qyburn tries to take Cersei somewhere safe, and then we get back to Jaime and Euron, and I told you how it ends, but damn, this is still going. Euron also says that he is the man who killed Jaime Lannister, and I mean….just hold on to that for a minute.

-Arya and the Hound finally get to the Red Keep, and the Hound wants Arya to leave and not worry about revenge on Cersei, as he waits for the Mountain. He makes a good point. The Hound has been powered by revenge, and he doesn’t want Arya to end up like him. Which is wonderful, given their history. She even thanks him with his government name.

-The Red Keep is falling. Oh, in the last scene, we saw that green dragonfire that we last saw when Cersei burnt up Religious Bernie Sanders. Apparently, Cersei didn’t use it all. Anyway, the Hound runs into his brother, Cersei and everyone, and he kills the Kingsguard like it was nothing. Cersei orders the Mountain to stay with her, and Qyburn tries to intervene, and he gets thrown into some rocks. Cersei is like, I can see this is a family thing, so if you don’t mind, (and this is some real Scotian shit), I’ma just sneak right by ya and go about my business. Also, the judges will accept, “skootch”. Anyway, people get CleganeBowl, so there, y’all got something, good grief.

-Cersei is wandering around, hearing dragons and wanting wine, and of course, Jaime finds her. They have their little moment as the Red Keep is falling down on them, while CleganeBowl is going on, and the Hound quickly realizes that, I can stab him hundreds of times, but it doesn’t matter, because he is practically a zombie. Mans walks down the steps like Thanos and shit, and proceeds to start messin’ up the Hound, and Arya probably hears it because she’s special like that. Arya runs through King’s Landing like an obstacle course, as the Hound is meeting his end, the Mountain is just wildin’ on him.

-Drogon is STILL fuckin’ shit up.

-The Mountain starts to dig out the Hound’s eyes, until the Hound stabs him in the eye with a knife, which is just a minor inconvenience. But the Hound sacrifices himself to take the Mountain down into the fire that is ALL of King’s Landing. That was always gon’ end in a draw.

-Jon and Davos tries to get everyone to fall back because Drogon, well, let me rephrase (and I’m not going back to change past references), Dany is outchea wildin’ out. Arya wakes up a hot mess, but she ain’t dead. She tries to lead some woman and her child to safety, but that ends in some Drogon hot fiya for ya face. Seriously, this Drogon performance is incredible. Jaime and Cersei get to, I believe where Tyrion told Jaime to go, and Cersei is like, I want our baby to live. Yeah, missus, I think it’s a little late for all that. The Red Keep collapses and it is presumed that they’re dead now. I mean, Game Of Thrones has done this before, with Stannis and not showing us his death. Truth be told, this is probably my biggest issue with this season, is that I didn’t see Cersei die. I’m black and white with Cersei: I either wanted her to win, or to die viciously and bloodily. Jaime, meh, I’m fine with that.

-And that being said, I’m not 100% they’re dead. I don’t know why, I’m probably wrong. But I don’t.

-Arya looks around at the carnage, and is like, maybe I should try this whole lady shit that Gendry was talkin’ about. But nah, she got bigger fish to fry now. And then she finds a horse and rides the fuck off like a G.

I had a big conclusion written, but it didn’t save before I published. So, I’ll try to remember everything I wrote (which obviously isn’t happening). Sansa is gon’ be back at Winterfell like, I TOLD Y’ALL SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED. Someone has to take to Dany out before she turns on Jon and the Starks, and my money is probably on Arya, but I wouldn’t bet against Bran gettin’ his Raven on. Tyrion probably doesn’t make it out alive. If I had a guess, Sansa is left standing. I really don’t care at this point, though. I literally don’t care about opinions and “facts” and theories or any of that. 80 minutes to go, and I’m going to enjoy it. I suggest you do, too, or else, what are we doing this for?

Game Of Thrones S08E04 – Last Of The Starks

After the carnage of “The Long Night”, “Last Of The Starks” was a much-needed respite for Game Of Thrones, although it seems like I’m the only one who liked the episode. I really only need to know a couple things about how this is going to end, but I won’t be pressed if I don’t find out. Life will go on.

And with the biggest cup of Starbucks I can muster, let’s go…….

-There is a long-ass funeral that I feel could have been shorter. Dany cries over Jorah, aight, cool. Sansa cries over Theon, fuck that. She also gives him what seems to be a letter opener, but it is still pointy enough that she might regret that later. Then again, she doesn’t seem to know how knives work anyway. Ghost is alive, bloody, but alive, and I feel like people would have just watched 80 minutes of him running around, rather than what actually happened. The only thing I can gather from this is that, man, Winterfell must have smelled like ass after burning all those bodies. And what do wights smell like when they die? Lavender? Feet? A large pile of Taylor Swift albums? I’ll let you be the judge. Anyway, this was long.

-And now, the party starts as Dany, Jon and Sansa sit rather awkwardly at the head of the hall. Gendry is looking for Arya, and he asks the Hound if he has seen her, and the Hound is like, all this death and you tryna smash again? Come on, bruh. He gets called out by Dany, who says he knows who he is, and who his father is, you know, the one that stole the throne from the Targaryens and tried to kill baby Dany Stormborn. She wonders who is the lord of Storm’s End, and everyone is like, what the hell is Storm’s End. Turns out it’s Baratheon property and Dany makes Gendry the lord of that joint, which is a helluva promotion from weapon-maker for Mr. Arya Stark. But it earns her a little bit of goodwill which is surely going to go up in flames (pun intended). Still, all this was, was a flex from Dany to be like, yup, this that Queen shit right here, dogg. I can do this, if y’all act right. Sansa is not buying it, tho. Not even a little bit. If these two could get on the same page, we wouldn’t even need Episode 6. Shit would be a wrap next week. But we’ll get to that.

-So I’m watching it again and I still didn’t notice the Starbucks cup. Didn’t even know it was a thing until the next day. So y’all can’t see during a battle, but you can see a Starbucks cup. Did you figure out that there was a brightness setting on your television? People are hilarious.

-Jaime and Brienne’s little flirting starts, everyone is happy, but the Hound, who ain’t been happy since ’76. Tyrion and Bran have an exchange and Bran says he doesn’t want to be the Lord of Winterfell because he is lives in the past, and Tyrion is like, why can’t you just be NORMAL? Bran is the Kyrie Irving of this shit, always speaking in tongues and not making any sense. Jaime, Tyrion and Brienne start playing Never Have I Ever, which is some real Grade 6 shit if I ever heard it, and Brienne stays smiling at Jaime and God, just get it over with. Tormund is drunkenly extolling Jon’s courage and all that, and Dany is in the back like, bitch, I brought dragons and a rack of people and boats, and I can’t get a little love? Dany about to get up like Nino Brown in New Jack City on some “I BUILT THIS SHIT”. And that Mad Targaryen starts to creep in, which has been coming for like, I dunno, eight seasons? And Varys is in the back like, yup, I’ve seen this before. Because all Dany wants is her corners (another Wire reference), and everyone else will burn in hellfire if she doesn’t.

-Tyrion guesses that Brienne is a virgin and she’s like, fuck this game, yo, I’ll cut you. Tormund wanders over and if nothing else, he is determined. But Jaime follows Brienne and Tormund is like, dammit, I’ve been beaten, how did that happen. He really should take lessons from Pod, who gets a smile from a lady and we know how he gets down. Tormund is venting to the Hound, and I can’t think of anyone in Westeros who gives less of a fuck about Tormund’s love life than the Hound. He don’t even want to get up with these girls who sit with him and Tormund, who is like, welp, move on to the next one, or two, whatever. Sansa sits down with him and is like, fuck is your problem, b? The Hound alludes to her rapes and Sansa is like, yup and I fed that bitch to the hounds, who actually kinda smiled and it was really weird. He says that if he had left Winterfell with her, she wouldn’t have run into all those problems and Sansa is like, I’d be a little bird all my life without those lessons. Her character arc might be the most impressive in the show. She still makes some dumb moves, but that could be the tagline of Game Of Thrones. GoT: We All Do Dumb Shit, But Here We Are. Shit sounds like an Earl Sweatshirt album.

-Gendry finds Arya and is like, I got this promotion, yo, we movin’ on up to the east side, shouts to The Jeffersons. Arya is like, yeah, NAH. She’s not a lady, she never wanted to be a lady, and that’s just not her jam. And that is fine. Arya would be bored as hell, and would start picking off random people. Also, it’s awesome that Arya just did what she did, and how does she celebrate? By shooting arrows. Arya is Kobe Bryant out here, gettin’ shots up in the gym after a game. Meanwhile, Jaime and Brienne have sex. Cool.

-Dany and Jon seem like they’re gon’ get it poppin’, but then they decide that they should talk about some stuff. She does come out and say that she is jealous at the way everyone looks at Jon at Winterfell, and he doesn’t want the place, but Dany is like, damn what you want, they want you as King, you’ll be King and then what about me? Dany tries to tell him to do the smart thing and not tell anyone, but Jon’s honorable raised-by-Ned-Stark headass is like, nah, I gotta tell Sansa, Arya and Bran, who already knows, but I’ll give Bran this: he ain’t a snitch. Not like I would have done. Soon as I found out, I would have had the dragons do a flyover saying, JON IS A TARGARYEN just above Winterfell.

-Jon, Dany and the squad are in the war room playing RISK, and they realize that they got pretty messed up by the Night King and his crew. Dany wants to roll up on King’s Landing and wreck shop, but Tyrion stays tryna keep Cersei alive, which is so very dumb. He used to be the most clever person in Westeros, as Sansa said, but my man Tyrone, he’s slippin’. Might gotta die. Sansa is like, man, can we at least rest before we go and do this? It’s a good plan, the people they have left are likely bruised up and might be missing a toe. It’s probably the smart move. But we’ve been watching people do dumb shit for eight seasons, so of course, Dany is like, nah, we ridin’ now. Sansa and Arya don’t agree, and I don’t even know if Bran was there in the mental, and he don’t care anyway.

-The Starks meet out by the Face Tree, and Sansa is like, yo, we can’t trust her. Arya is like, we can’t trust her, but we did need that army, so you had to do what you had to do. She says they are the last of the Starks and they’re all they got, and Jon is like, I’ve never been Stark and Bran snaps out of it finally, like that girl floating across the gif of Migos and Joe Budden about to fight, like what y’all talkin’ about, anything good? He says to Jon, it’s your choice and he makes them swear not to tell anyone. They swear, but Sansa probably had her fingers crossed behind her back. Jon can’t even do it, he gets Bran to tell them. Jon is so stupid.

-Tyrion says that he is happy that Jaime is happy, and makes a tall joke, which isn’t his best. Again, Tyrone is slippin’. And they both are, because Bronn rolls in the spot with the crossbow and makes it very clear that he is there to kill them. He also hits Tyrion in the nose, but this was a damn good scene between the three of them. This is a spin-off I’d be down with, just watching those three talkin’ shit. Anyway, Bronn’s whole plan is like, Cersei offered me Riverrun, what can y’all offer, and Tyrion says that he’ll give Bronn Highgarden, the Tyrells’ old crib (shouts to Lady O). See, Bronn is always looking for a deal, if he really wanted to kill them, he would have. And it isn’t because they’re friends, it’s because he likes money and stuff. Which will be the end of him, of course.

-The Hound and Arya decide that they’re going to King’s Landing, him to fight his brother, her to kill Cersei. It would probably be best if they told someone. But I guess not. But I’m okay with that. They can handle themselves.

-The squad make their way to Dragonstone, Dany’s family crib, while Tyrion and Sansa have a chat. Tyrion is like, what’s your beef with her, and Sansa is like, the army is gone, Jon is gone, you’re afraid of her because she’ll burn your ass up, and all my family has died up in the capital. Tyrion is like, Jon told me that he isn’t a Stark and Sansa is like, OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY DO I GOT SOME TEA FOR YOU. Someone on Twitter said Sansa started a group chat within seconds of finding out. She damn near popped a vein tryna keep that secret in.

-Tormund and Jon say their goodbyes, peace, God. I think we have seen the last of him. Sam and Gilly come to say goodbye as well, she is pregnant, so they’re like, yeah, all this fighting shit is for the birds. But we’ll see Sam again, maybe not Gilly and the baby, who is hopefully a girl named Jon. Definitely 15/10 will see Sam again. Oh, and Jon sends Ghost off with Tormund, and Ghost is like, fuck is this shit? I ain’t did nothing to no one! People were MAD. I laughed.

-Of course, Tyrion tells Varys, and he wants to marry the two of them since Varys is still skeptical of Dany. Varys is like, yeah, they don’t play that incest stuff in the North. Varys is all about the realm, so I guess, the people, which he has said for years. Anyway, they get to Dragonstone and everything is going so swell, Dany is smiling, the dragons are happy, and then BOOM, Jon’s dragon catches a giant arrow to the chest and looks down like, fuck is this? And then BOOM, another one to the neck. Euron and his crew are chillin’ behind a big-ass rock, which no one managed to catch. I’m okay with it. Again, Dany has never been a tactical genius, she just had a big army and three dragons. It’s like the Warriors and Kevin Durant: ain’t no plays, just give it to him and get out of the way. That’s a lot of sports references in this joint. But it is playoff time. Dany is PISSED and aims to divebomb the boats, but thinks better of it and somehow manages to not lose her dragon. Even Euron is like, so I hit one dragon with two, but we can’t hit one dragon with like, 20 arrows? But he refocuses on her fleet, and well, it doesn’t go well for Team Stormborn. Tyrion almost dies like fiftyeleven times, and ends up in the water with everyone else, and they make it to shore. Grey Worm is looking for Missandei. This is ABSOLUTELY not gon’ end well.

-Finally, the homie Cersei is chillin’, lying to Euron about it being his baby because there is no Maury in Westeros (Is there? Could it be Varys?). Cersei is betting that Dany won’t kill thousands of innocent people, so leave the door open for her and oh yeah, we got Missandei, so that’s a bird in the hand. What a dumb saying that is. Something about hands and bushes and people just made shit up back in the…..actually, we still make up dumb shit. It is smart of Cersei to keep the people in the Red Keep, as to ward off Dany. Hahahahahaha…..if only Dany cared about the kids. In the words of the great Michael Jordan (he didn’t really say this….or did he? He didn’t, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all if he did)…..

-Grey Worm is like, I’m killin’ EVERYONE. Varys tries to tell Dany that this is a mistake and she isn’t having it whatsoever. She said that she was there to free the people of tyrants, but she’ll kill anyone that stands in her way. That’s some good hypocrisy. Tyrion is still tryna keep Dany to kill Cersei, and man, Tyrone, it just has to be this way. Cersei is every bad thing that everyone says about her, and oh my goodness, so much more. Varys is like, this is not a good move, bruh, and I’m going to do something about it, something that has to do with Jon getting on the throne. Varys, The People’s Champ, really outchea tryna get everyone killed. Everyone wants Jon to do a job that he does not want. Tyrion is like, DON’T. Varys is like, well, we’ll see.

-Brienne and Sansa tells Jaime that Dany’s squad got jacked by Cersei and ’em, so obviously, Jaime sneaks in Brienne’s room to do some thinking, and then sneaks out when she wakes up. She goes outside and begs him to stay, but Jaime gotta go and kill his sisterwife. Wifesister? Mother of his children, at the very least. He kinda owes it to everyone. Jaime let a LOT of fuckery go where Cersei is concerned. Shit, he has participated in a solid 40-50% of it. Actually, an extra 10% for kickin’ Bran out the window. Actually, let’s go with a solid 94% of Cersei fuckery has involved Jaime in some sort of way. The extra 6% is attributed to wine. That sucks for Brienne, tho. Gendry, too. Oh well. Big person pants on. No time for shook ones now.

-Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, Tyrion, the dragon and like 40 Unsullied walk up to King’s Landing like they’re selling Girl Guide cookies. Cersei has Missandei on the edge of the wall, and that’s gon’ be a long drop. Dammit, I love Lena Headey. I have no business wanting Cersei to win and I know that she won’t, but Lena has been a beast over the last seven-plus seasons. She should have at least one Emmy. Anyway, they stare at each other for a few minutes before Tyrion walks up to the door, where he is greeted by Qyburn. He tries to talk sense into Qyburn, who ain’t tryna hear it, so Tyrion walks past him to Cersei, who is known for her great listening skills.

-Her shooters point at Tyrion, she tells them to fall back because if Cersei gets to kill Tyrion, it’s going to be way more gross and evil than just a buncha arrows. Think of what she did to the Shame Nun and then multiply that by the number of glasses of wine Cersei has drank in seven-plus seasons. And add spears and knives. And definitely the Mountain.

-For what seems like the 98th time in this show, Tyrion asks Cersei to not be trash for two seconds, and think about her kid. Cersei is like, I might not even be pregnant, so whatever. She asks Missandei what her last words are, and Missandei is like, DRACARYS, aka, y’all better burn this bitch to the GROUND. Cersei is like, I admire that, but the Mountain gotta behead ya. And with that, there goes the best hair in Westeros. If I’m Dany, I’m killing Tyrion right then and there. Enough of all this talking and tryna be nice with Cersei. She is the WORST. She doesn’t deal with negotiations and talking. And Grey Worm is gon’ run up in the Red Keep like the last wrestler in the Royal Rumble. He is catchin’ so many bodies next week. He’ll probably die along the way, but he is taking a buncha people with him. He might have to fight the Hound to get to the Mountain.

Pssssssh, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next two episodes. I saw the next week joint, but I forget it already and I’m okay with that. I’m just soaking all this up. It’s pretty hilarious how the audience has turned on Game Of Thrones, but that says more about us than it does about them. But I’m here for all of the fuckery that is coming our way, and I want the most ridiculous ending possible. I want Cersei riding a dragon into a Six Flags, and I want a scene where Dany walks into a Starbucks and the barista has to say all 46 of her names. Oh, and next week is directed by the battle director from last week, so for the love of God, figure out where your brightness setting is if a nighttime battle. Google it if you have to.

Until the next one…..

Game Of Thrones

Game Of Thrones S08E03 – The Long Night

So, we got here. After seven-plus seasons, “The Long Night” came to Westeros. It was dark, it was gritty, it was confusing, it was emotional, and it was my favorite episode of Game Of Thrones to date. At least top-three.

Let’s just get this out of the way: I don’t care that it was dark. Apparently, something technical happened on HBO, but turn ya brightness up. It was fine on my TV. And I like the chaotic, unsettling feeling that it gave me. Because, from what I understand, that is war. And why do you want to see the face of Dothraki #9620? You could see all the faces that you needed to see. Anyway, that sucks for you if it took away your enjoyment of the episode. I was good.

-There was no “Previously on Game Of Thrones” or nothing. Just straight into the credits. LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO………….

-It starts with the montage of everyone walking around Winterfell, getting ready for the Night King and his squad. Sam being a punk ALREADY. Lyanna yellin’ at people. Tyrion and Bran have a look. What did Bran tell him when they were having storytime, that likely got cut short by this? Tyrion even says…..I’ll get to that later. The dragons make their appearance, while the Unsullied and the Dothraki are waiting, and it’s funny that THEY were the ones that had to go in the front, but we know what it is about. Edd knows damn well that Sam shouldn’t be out here, he ain’t built for this. Jon and Dany, Arya and Sansa, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. A horse comes out of nowhere, and Davos knew exactly who it was. Melisandre returns, as she said she would, does her little spell magic shit and BOOM, FIRE SWORDS. Melisandre would be great at housewarming parties. Shows up with flaming weapons. And she speaks to Grey Worm in his language, because of course, she is bilingual.

-She meets up with Davos and tells him that she’ll be dead before dawn, and she shoots Arya a look. They haven’t talked since Season 3 and wouldn’t you know, that shit comes back to be important. So much stuff has happened in this show that I’ve forgotten like 85% of it. Now, armed with their flaming swords, Jorah leads the Dothraki into the forest, and Ghost rides with them, I forgot he was still around. Anyway, they finally meet the wights and well, that didn’t go well for them at all. All the fire was extinguished, and Jorah rode back with a few dudes like, uhhhhhhhhhh, we’re in trouble, y’all. This shit is ominous, man. You can hear them coming, and after what just happened, I have no idea how half of them haven’t fainted yet. I’d be in that castle so damn fast, you’d have to kill me anyway. Oh, one dude did run away. That would be me. Anyway, they’re gettin’ rolled by the wights, but Dany, Jon and the dragons swoop into action and hit that Dracarys on ’em. Now, I feel like that should have happened a little earlier, but dramatic license and all. Also, Dany has never been a tactical genius and really, neither has Jon. But they got dragons, and that helps, at least for now. Anyway, it’s on and poppin’ now. A snowstorm blows through the place and that means the Night King gotta be around somewhere.

-Arya tells Sansa, if you get your ass on down to the crypts and take this knife, which Sansa doesn’t even know how to use. Meanwhile, Bran, Theon and the Ironborn are at the Tree of the Faces, and then it’s back to Sam, who I think manages to stab a wight, but then almost died and then Edd died tryna save him. Yep, that’s on you, buddy. Just take your ass down to the crypts, b. We won’t fault you. You were fine to go down there. We all know this ain’t you.

-Jon, still with his dragon’s beginner’s license, can’t stop flying the dragon into trees and runs into Dany, which makes sense because you’re not supposed to be able to see. On the battlefield, Lyanna yells to fall back and mufuckas is like, FINALLY, THIS SUCKS. They open the gates, and Grey Worm tells his boys to protect the retreat, which is noble of him, because the hell with that. These people don’t love us, bruh.

-Arya saves the Hound with an arrow to a wight that was chasing him, so they’re even now, for everything. And then the command is given to light the pointy trenches, which again, probably should have been lit a little earlier, but hey, what are ya gon’ do? But Melisandre, the real MVP, finally gets the trenches to light with her little spells and magic, and man, y’all should have never kicked her out of the fold. Or did she leave? I dunno, but dammit, she would have been good to have around. Dany looks down like, fuck is goin’ on down there, and does another flyby with the dragon, and they get to chill for a minute, go get some Powerade, have a cigarette, whatever you need. The Hound is like, you know what, this is bullshit and I’m out. He is NOT a fan of fire.

-Tyrion and Varys are down in the crypts and Tyrion says, hey, maybe we should be up there, we might see something everyone else is missing, and as I was getting to earlier…..what did Bran tell him about all this? Tyrion, while he has made some mistakes, is still arguably the smartest person on this show. You would think that Bran would have told him something that makes a difference. Maybe he told him about Jon and Dany? I dunno, and really, Tyrion needs to keep his ass in the crypts. But I do get what he is saying. And he did get down at the Battle of the Blackwater, but he did need to get saved by Pod. Anyway, Tyrion and Sansa talk, the first of many “are they gon’ hook up” moments in this episode. Sansa did say that Tyrion was the best of her husbands, which is like, the LOWEST of bars that anyone has to get over. Joffrey? Ramsay? Not a husband, but Littlefinger? Basically, Tyrion simply needs to not be a psychopath and he is good. But Sansa is like, the Dragon Queen wouldn’t be a fan of that and Missandei pipes up like, why you talkin’ about my girl like that, without her, y’all would have been DEAD DEAD. And Sansa is like, shit, she is gon’ run and tell Dany that.

-At the Face Tree (I’ll alternate between the two), Theon tries to apologize for being a fuckboy, and Bran basically says it’s all good and he’s home, but NAH. And then he’s like, I’m going to go now and Theon is like, huh, and BOOM, Raven Bran is in the house, squawkin’ and shit. They fly up on the Night King, who instructs the wights to basically lay on the fire and smother hit, and build a wight bridge to get through because why not, he can bring you back to life (or whatever it is) anytime he wants. Davos is like, you gotta be kiddin’ me. He just needs that on a cloak. He perpetually has that look on his face.  Jon is like, OH SHIT, HE GOT A DRAGON, TOO.

-So now, we have a dragon handicap match going on in the air, while the wights are storming the walls after smothering fire. And we are only 40 minutes in. I’ve already smoked half a pack of cigarettes in my head so far.

-Finally, the Unsullied come inside. Good grief.

-Gendry looks like he is going to have a panic attack, but he gets to fightin’. Sam even gets one. Jesus, there are SO FRIGGIN’ MANY OF THESE THINGS. At least four times during this battle, I thought it was over for the living. Sam gets saved AGAIN, and he oscillates between survival mode and punk mode. Bruh, just pick one. You’re pissing me off. Meanwhile, The Hound is actually having a panic attack and Arya comes through SWINGIN’, just rollin’ through these wights like nothing. Beric is like, yo, Hound, you gotta sac up.

-Lyanna meets Wight Wun-Wun, the big-ass giant from the wildlings, although there is no confirmation that it is him. He died in “The Battle of the Bastards“, but I’ma just assume that he got picked up the Night King and if he didn’t, meh, it’s Wight Wun-Wun. He comes through and crushes everything, while The Hound continues to be a Negative Nancy about the whole situation. Then Beric is like, look at Arya then, and switch back to Lyanna, who gets her soul crushed by Wight Wun-Wun, but not before she sticks him in his blue eye. Right now, pour somethin’ out for Lyanna. She did that so you ain’t have to go through that, shouts to Hov.

-The Night King comes out of nowhere to get the dragon handicap match started, and does just enough to be like, yeah, I got a dragon, bitch, what y’all wanna do?

-Then, for me, the best part of the episode. Arya is somewhere in the castle, sneaking around, using her degree, and I was a mess during this part. The suspense damn near gave me a conniption. Maisie Williams needs ALL of these awards for this episode.

-The people in the crypts know that some not-good shit is goin’ down upstairs and that it might not be long before it comes to them. Sansa keeps a straight face, which is probably the best thing she can do right now. But she’s seen ’em. Ain’t gon’ be good.

-Beric and The Hound, who finally snapped out of it because Arya is involved, saves her and they run away. Beric gets stabbed no less than 47 times, but sacrifices himself so that they can get away. I have no idea what the rules are in terms of how many times you can come back, I don’t even know how many times he has been brought back. But he did die like a G. But yo, could you leave us the flaming sword? That would be handy.

-Arya and the Hound make their way into a room and barricade it, and fuckin’ Melisandre creeps out of the shadows out of nowhere. Arya says that Melisandre said they would meet again, and that she would shut many eyes….brown eyes, green eyes, and blue eyes. Then she hits Arya with that “and what do we say to the God of Death”, and Arya responds with, “not today”, and just runs the fuck off, Hound be damned. So, again, I forgot about this, but Arya’s former teacher, Syrio Forel, used to say that to her back in the day, like Season 1. Turns out we don’t even know if Syrio Forel was actually killed by Meryn Trant. Arya just believed that he did it, so she killed him. I mean, I doubt they bring him back, but at this point, I’m never leaving anything off the table. In fact, I think it would make people mad, so I want it to happen.

-The wights reach the Tree of Faces and get to fightin’ Theon and his people, while the Night King and his dragon get to the castle and start messin’ that up. But Jon and Dany and the Night King is knocked off his dragon, which should have been the first clue that the Night King wasn’t shit. Jon gets knocked off his dragon, too, and both of them go down, but Dany still has hers, which should give her a huge advantage, right? So she flies over to the Night King to Dracarys his ass, and he’s on some “Dirt Off Your Shoulders” shit like, did you REALLY think that would work? Walked out that fire like the Terminator, and SMILED at Dany. But then, he missed that shot at her dragon, which he has done before. For whatever reason, he can’t seem to hit Drogon, going back to last season when she went to rescue Jon and they lost Viserion.

-The Night King started raising the dead and Jon is right in the middle of it, which is hilarious, because Jon KNOWS he can do this. But the people in the castle don’t, and Jaime, Sam, Grey Worm and everyone is like, OH COME ON THIS IS NOT FAIR. Wight Lyanna is about to be a PROBLEM. The Night King is kind of a punk, it’s like he is scared to shoot the fair one with Jon. But I mean, those who can do, right? This is war. And then Morris Day and the Time roll up to Winterfell to join the Night King, while the crypts start to break open with the dead. Now, I know that putting them in the crypts probably was stupid, but that being said, where else were they going to go? It’s not like you could put them on a Greyhound and send ’em, shoot, where would you even send them? I’m open to suggestions.

-Dany saves Jon by burning the wights surrounding him, so he can go into the castle. But then she does the most annoying thing in the episode. Why would you put the dragon on the ground, where the wights would get on him? So now, you might be down two dragons because Jon’s is fucked up, and yours looks like it is covered in fire ants. She gets thrown off and is about to get killed, but LORD FRIENDZONE TO THE RESCUE. I shit on Jorah a lot, but I respect him as a fighter and he gets busy. It doesn’t look good for Jaime, Brienne and company as they’re outnumbered so very bad, and Jon is runnin’ through the fight, killin’ things and he sees Sam almost die, but looks at him like, why the hell aren’t you down in the crypts anyway, and I don’t have time to save you.

-Theon runs out of arrows and goes on a killing spree at the Faces Tree, and it’s still middle fingers up to Theon Alouitious Greyjoy and everyone that loves him and he loves.

-Sansa and Tyrion have another moment as they hide and he kisses her hand, and I’m like, are y’all REALLY about to kiss NOW? It looks bleak for the crew as Jon almost gets burned by the Night Dragon, Jaime and Brienne are still gettin’ fucked it, Grey Worm is fightin’, Jorah and Dany get to swingin’ and I didn’t know Dany got down like that, and she is tryna help, but Jorah is gettin’ fucked up. The little girl from last week with the soup is downstairs and I guess she wasn’t Melisandre. Sansa is hiding. There is a lot going on right now.

-And the music starts. This might be the best musical piece of the series, from basically now to the very end. The way it goes with the action, again, more awards for everyone.

-Raven Bran is still hangin’ out, waiting for the Night King. Brienne, one-hand-ass Jaime and Pod manage to hold off two provinces full of wights against a wall. The Night King makes his slow walk up to Bran with his security detail, and I get excited because Theon’s about to get folded like a Rubik’s Cube. Bran snaps out of it and lies to Theon, telling him he is a good man, and no, the fuck he is not. But bruh, he didn’t even try, he more or less just ran into the Night King’s spear. Good. He deserved worse. So much worse. I wish the Night King brought Wight Ramsay back just to mess with Theon for a little bit more. BYE, BITCH.

-Jon, in the funniest part of the episode, tries to sneak up on the Night Dragon, which turns around and sees him and Jon is like, NOAP. He hides behind something and somehow avoids getting torched. Jorah is still fighting somehow, and he has been stabbed at least 14 times at this point. The Night King has been walking to Raven Bran for like, two hours now, but he finally gets there. Jon pulls off the second-funniest part of the episode as he gets fed all the way up, stands up, turns around, and YELLS IN THE DRAGON’S FACE. Is Jon the original “I wanna speak to your manager”? But he has done this before. Stood in front in Ramsay’s army. I’m sure he did some dumb shit like this in the Night’s Watch. He stays standing in front of danger doing dumb shit.

-The Night King slooooooooooooooooooowly reaches for his sword, while his Secret Service is like, aye, do y’all feel something? Arya comes flying out of nowhere, wearing what I can only assume are the most ninja of ninja shoes, but the Night King catches her with one hand by the neck. But she does the MJ switch-hands-in-mid-air joint (shouts to Blake Griffin’s tweet) and hits homeboy in the stomach with a dagger, and not only a dagger, a dagger that Raven Bran gave Arya. The dagger that his would-be assassin carried in Season 1. It went through some other hands, ended up with Littlefinger, who gave it back to Bran, who gave it to Arya. Did he know that she would need it to save his life? Shoot, probably. He’s Raven Bran. Dude knows everything. He doesn’t wanna tell anybody anything, but he knows, I guess. I dunno. Bran gets a solid C over. I feel like he could have done more. Now that this is all done, sit around a campfire that is basically burning bodies at this point, and just tell everyone everything.

-Anyway, Arya kills the Night King, and all the White Walkers and the wights and the Night Dragon and all ’em, everyone gone on some Avengers shit (I’m talking about Infinity War, relax). Everyone is standing around where they are, in a state of both WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY DID THEY STOP and THANK WHATEVER GOD YOU WANT, I’M SO TIRED. Jorah dies in Dany’s arms, and again, I respect it. He died serving her. That’s what he wanted, and that’s what he did. And her dragon lies down beside them like, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ON THE GROUND, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

-The Night King? I think Raven Bran will tell us what his deal is next week, I think it’s going to be a lot tamer. And I had a whole thing ready to go on how it relates to another death, a character on The Wire, which y’all know I think is still the best show ever (and it is). I won’t say who it is, because I still think everyone should watch it. But those who have, his death is reminiscent of a character there, who lasted most of the season and was taken out in the most unexpected way possible. Which is why it was good, because for the most part, these fools had no idea what to do with the Night King. He was on his way to a 100-point game, then his ACL exploded.

-Finally, Davos and the Hound watch Melisandre wander out in the slow, she sheds her clothes, turns into her old self and dies before dawn, just like she said she would. Yup, MVP. And don’t get it twisted, Arya was dope, but Melisandre was the push. Also, flaming swords and trenches. Had she not lit the trenches, shit would have been over way sooner.

I still don’t think I’ve done this episode justice. I don’t remember if or when I’ve ever been so gripped by an episode of television. My guesses are that we will see Cersei and her people next week, and the fifth episode will be another battle as Miguel Sapochnik, who directed this and all the other battles except for “Blackwater”. It’s either gon’ be Winterfell, King’s Landing, or somewhere between. Cersei and the Golden Company, and Euron and whoever, against Dany, Jon, whatever is left of Winterfell, 12 Unsullied, one fucked-up dragon, we don’t even know if the other dragon is alive, and you know that Theon’s sister is going to come out of nowhere and help them. Or she’ll take on Euron’s fleet, so water battle? Whatever, man. I’m here for it. All of it.

And special shouts to Black Twitter, because it was a PARTY on there on Sunday night.

And you can complain about it being dark or you can’t hear or smell or whatever, but savor it, because it’s going to be gone and you’re going to be sad.

Game Of Thrones S08E02 – A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms

“A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms” was a fine episode. It was pretty uplifting and everyone seemed to be fine with the impending doom that was coming. That is, until they go there. I think I liked it…..but I’m getting anxious. Let’s go….

Game Of Thrones A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms

-We open with Jaime standing in front of Dany, Sansa and Jon, and Dany tells him that her brother had plenty of stories about the Kingslayer, and what they would do to him when they found him. Man, Viserys wasn’t about to do anything to Jaime. Even if he was still alive and Jaime had one hand, I’m still giving a big advantage to Jaime, who says that he was also lied to by Cersei, and she got the Golden Company on the way to clean up any survivors remaining from the battle with the Night King and his squad. Tyrion tries to jump and Dany is like, nah, bruh, you were wrong the last time, go sit down somewhere. Sansa piles on Jaime, too, and I mean, for good reason. Jaime has been trash for most of the series, but I’m buying his redemption story WAY more than Reeky Theon.

-That being said, Jaime will screw them at some point. And it’ll be great.

-Anyway, keeping on, Jaime doesn’t regret any of what he did and at war, he would do it again. And Bran hit him with that, “the things we do for love”, and that shit was so good. I mean, it’s basically an open secret that Jaime and Cersei were getting down. And last week, I made a couple jokes about it that I stand by. But incest is like, eighth on the list of shit that these people need to worry about right now. Whatever, man, y’all can figure this out later, if you survive, which you probably won’t.

-Brienne jumps to Jaime’s defense, stating that Jaime did lose his hand tryna help her avoid rape, which I had forgotten about. And for the most part, Jaime did right by Brienne along their travels. Sansa trusts Brienne, so Jaime gets a vote. Jon is like, sure, we do need people to fight, one hand, one arm, whatever. So somehow, Dany gets out-voted, instead of just burning everyone up, which I feel was definitely on the table. But she isn’t happy and tells Tyrion to get his shit together or she’ll find a new Hand. I feel like, if I had to bet money, I’d bey on Tyrion to outlast Dany.

-Arya and Gendry meet as she asks about the weapon he is making her, but he is also busy with a buncha arrow/spear/knife things. She starts asking about the dead and what they smell like, and how they act, and Gendry is like, ehhhhh, I don’t know if you want those problems. He tries to persuade her to go down in the crypt, where it is safer, which I’m not exactly sure is true. Because really, where is safe from a walking army numbering like, I don’t know, thousands at this point? Oh, wait, and did we mention they were zombies? Not bitch-ass Walking Dead zombies, either. Zombies that can do stuff. Anyway, Arya says she is fighting, and throws three daggers with stunning accuracy, and she tells Gendry that she has also seen death. If you were paying attention, you know what was going to go down later between these two. Arya walked in and they might as well just blew a fan in Gendry’s face with “Halo” playing in the background.

-Bran was at the Tree with the Faces, and Jaime tries to apologize, but Bran was like, you weren’t then…..thanks, tips, of course he wasn’t sorry then. I think Jaime is sorry now, but he would 100% do it again. But Bran is also like, had you not done that, I’d still be Brandon Stark and Jaime is like, fuck is you talking about, who are you then? He sees just how weird Bran is now. I’ve kinda had it with this kid. Just tell me what the hell you see, what you want and what you want us to do.

-Jaime and Tyrion meet up and get spat at by some Northeners, which is fair because the Lannisters, well, the Lannisters. We did get confirmation from Jaime that Cersei is pregnant, which I believe a little bit more, because she has to give something to the Night King to keep him from killing her, unless she becomes Mrs. Night King, and that is a spinoff I’d watch. Also, I’m here for any scenes with Peter Dinklage and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. They are way up there on the list of acting duos I love watching in this show. Jaime walks about Brienne and Podrick, who can fight now, enough to teach other people. Sure. Jaime tells Brienne that he would be honored to fight under her, and goddammit, I can’t shake the feeling that Jaime is going to revert back to form and screw her over.

-Dany welcomes Jorah Friendzone into her chambers, and he actually rides for Tyrion staying on as the Hand. He is pulling out ALL the stops at this point now. Even Dany is like, that’s the job you should have, and you’re STILL advising me to keep him? Maybe he is just a really good guy who wants the best for Dany, and wants to see her flourish.

-Or maybe not, and he is gon’ get these jokes for the next, however long he lives, which won’t be long.

-Dany visits Sansa, and the two have a hashing-out of their issues. Sansa is like, you love my brother and you’re gon’ manipulate him. Dany is like, yeah, I roll with him, but I’m the one here bringing dragons to fight wars that I don’t have to, so who is being manipulated, which is so manipulative of Dany, I actually respect it. So they come to some sort of agreement on that, but Sansa is like, so hey, say we beat the dead and then manage to beat Cersei, then what? What about the North? WHAT ABOUT THE NORF NORF, DANY? Dany is like, well, I’ma be on the Iron Throne, and that’s basically all I got so far. Neither of them are amused. I’m lowkey having a ball because I would have never expected this from Sansa in Season 1, shoot, Season 2, hell, Season 5. She has come so far, to be so meek after everything that has happened to her (and make no mistake, no one in this show has suffered more than Sansa). She looked Dany in her eyes and mouth and was like, so you gon’ do right by us or what? But Dany gets saved by Reeky Theon and his bitch ass, bending the knee, wanting to fight, he gets a hug from Sansa and Dany is looking around like, am I going crazy or did this just happen?

-Fuck Theon Greyjoy, his family, his house and everyone that loves him.

-Davos is giving out soup and life advice, telling people that say they can’t fight, that they’re gon’ fight. Gilly shows up, or at least, makes an appearance because she has been at Winterfell since Sam got there, I think. A little girl wants to fight, and I think she has greyscale or she was burned, but Gilly is like, yeah, why don’t you go down to the crypts, little mama. It was cute. And again, if you can lift a weapon, shit, let’s go. Edd and Tormund and the squad return from the Last Hearth, and I don’t know if they have Uber VIP or what, but they got around the White Walkers QUICK. And you know what? I’m here for it. I haven’t given a damn about how much time has passed from episode to episode and I’ll be damned if I start caring now. Oh, and Tormund asks if the big woman was still here, which set up his objective for this episode.

-There is a big war meeting party with like, EVERYONE, tryna figure out what to do about the Night King. Bran says that he’ll come for him, and he’ll wait for him out by the Tree with the Faces. Theon says he’ll protect him and I hope the Night King tosses that mufucka up in the air like pizza dough and goes into a backbreaker. Also, Bran doesn’t even know if dragonfire stops the Night King because no one has ever tried, which is encouraging. Imagine if they trot the two dragons out and, providing they get past their dead brother, the Night King Mutumbos their fire the fuck outta here. Then they roll through Winterfell, through to King’s Landing and the last episode is just the Night King doing his taxes. I’m here for that.

-Man……I tried to like it. But it was by this point where I was done with the whole Tormund-Brienne thing. When he said, we’re all going to die, but then looks at Brienne and is like, at least we’re together, I rolled my eyes down the mufuckin’ street. Like, at least let’s be witty about this. No? Okay then. Also, because of this, I learned what “shipping” is in regards to television shows and that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard this decade.

-Finally, Tyrion says to Bran, what is your deal? We ain’t got nothing but time and I need to hear this because dude, you’re weird. But the more information Tyrion gathers, the more he can use to figure out some sort of plan for the war. Smart.

-Missandei and Grey Worm make an appearance, and Grey Worm is like, yo, we’re going to fight this war, and then we’re getting the hell outta here because frankly, these white people don’t fuck with us like that. That little girl looked at Missandei like she wasn’t the poor one with dirt on her face. Fuck them kids, b. Grey Worm is like, we’ll protect your peaceful people, we can go where it’s warm, it’ll be great. But I’m not surprised by the racism. The writers for this show want to do a show on “what if the South had won the Civil War?”. So yeah, I’ll finish watching this show and then throw Weiss and Benioff in the bushes for eternity. Idiots.

-There is a theory that Missandei isn’t who she says she is. I’m not going to explain it, but it’s not that far off at all. I don’t wanna believe it, but I’m also here for chaos. Maybe I’ll explain next week, or ask me about it, because I know me and I’ll absolutely forget.

-ANYWAY, the fellas have a Night’s Watch reunion and Sam is like, I’ll fight, I was the first to kill a wight. If I’m not mistaken, he was the first one to even see one, hiding behind that rock while the White Walkers just walked past him. But he’ll be needed in the crypt or wherever people are going to be safe.

-More Tyrion and Jaime, and Jaime, if I’m not mistaken, says out loud for the first time that he was sleeping with his sister. And he said it to his brother, which I find even more funny. Brienne and Pod join them, followed by Tormund and Davos. And then Tormund tells a story about killing a giant when he was 10, then climbed into bed with the giant’s wife, and ended up breastfeeding for three months. I’m not going to devote too much time to this, I don’t feel like they have executed the plot well. But it was a fun scene, showed everyone having a bit of fun before everyone dies in the next 2-3 episodes. I’m not pressed about it, though. Gotta kill time somewhere.

-Arya meets up with the Hound and I feel like, if they survive the war, they’re going to end up killing each other. Beric Dondarrion shows up and Arya is like, I’m out. She has better things to do, like get her weapon from Gendry, which is like, a shorter version of Donatello’s staff with a blade on the end. Then Arya is like, have you had the secks before and how many times and you wanna know what, I wanna do it, let’s do it. And they did it. I do respect that she did it on her own terms, which is very different from most of the female characters in this show. I gloss over the sex parts in this show because one, there has been a lot of it, two, I just wanna see mufuckas get to fighting, and three, the internet is a thing and we can see all of these, literally, whenever we want. Also, people don’t know how to act when it comes to sex and end up saying some fuck shit, and I don’t have time for that.

-This was the best part of the episode. Tyrion points out that everyone in the room has fought the Starks and here they are, fighting for Winterfell. Brienne says some shit about fighting with honor, and Tormund is perplexed that Brienne isn’t a knight yet, and that if he were king, he would knight her 10 times over because apparently the writers are 12 years old. But he does bring up a good point: why shouldn’t Brienne be a knight? Because she is a woman? In his words, fuck traditions. Brienne is probably one of the top 3-5 warriors outchea in these Westeros streets. So Jaime, who is a knight, although you’d think that they would have taken it away for any number of reasons, knights her. She cries, and I might have a little. She deserves that shit. But also, she is going to die.

-Jorah is talking to Lyanna Mormont, saying that she should go down to the crypts, but forgive him, Lord Friendzone is new and does NOT know how Lyanna gets down. After she kyboshed the shit out of that plan, Sam gives Jorah his family sword, Heartsbane, because his father, Jeor, helped out Sam a lot in the Night’s Watch. Also, Jorah needs to fight and I’m pretty sure Sam was like, I can’t lift this thing.

-Pod sings a song for the crew, it’s called “Jenny and the Oldstones”, which they mentioned in the books. We get a montage of everyone getting ready, Grey Worm and Missandei, Sansa and Theon, a buncha people. Stuff and things. And then Dany goes down to the crypts, where Jon is standing by Lyanna Stark’s statue or tomb or whatever you want to call it. Dany is like, hey, I’ve heard about her and Jon is like, oh, you don’t know the truth truth? Your brother didn’t rape her, they loved each other, Lyanna gave their bastard child to Ned, oh, and that bastard child is me. SURPRISE!

-It is telling that Dany’s first reaction was like, so, if this shit is true, it is actually you who has the claim to the Iron Throne, and you can see the fury in her eyes. And she should be mad. She has worked so hard to get to this point, just to think that it could all be for naught? That being said, Jon doesn’t even want the Iron Throne. He didn’t even want to be the King of the North. He didn’t want to be the leader of the Night’s Watch. Jon is like, what can I do that has the least amount of responsibility and where y’all will stop promoting me in these jobs? But I feel like the Mad King side of Dany is going to come out and she’s gon’ do something stupid. We’ve seen her angry side many times before. Just harness that shit until after this war thing is over, and then y’all can come out with a plan. I don’t even know why Jon told her, like, right now. I mean, tell her eventually, but right now, minds need to be focused.

-Oh, and finally, the Night King and his well-coiffed crew of soldiers roll up to Winterfell. Them mufuckas got fresh perms to destroy and absorb souls with. All of ’em look like they could be in a DJ Quik video from the mid-to-late ’90s.

-No Cersei or Euron this week, I feel like we’ll start with them, or Cersei, at least. Just a quick check-in. And I’m still waiting for Melisandre, since Gendry told Arya about the leeches and the royal blood and such.

And that was that. I do get that they had to make this a lighter episode with all of the destruction that is on the horizon. And it was fine. I think the Brienne/Tormund shit was really heavy-handed, but people like it, I guess. Which is funny because I didn’t mind it in real time. But on the rewatch, yeah, NOT GREAT, BOB (I had to use it again, I misused it last week. Shouts to Mad Men).

Anyway, the good stuff kicks off next week. The next four episodes are between 78 and 82 minutes, and I’m prepared to be mentally exhausted by the end of it. Miguel Sapochink will be directing this and the fifth episode. If you didn’t know, he also directed “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Massacre, and “The Battle of The Bastards“. He also did “The Winds Of Winter“, where Cersei was outchea blowing up churches. So needless to say, he does violence very well.

Game Of Thrones S8E01 – Winterfell

Hi there. It has been a minute since we last got together for these recaps. The site will probably be retired after this, as Game Of Thrones seems like the last show that is event television: you simply have to watch it in real time with the rest of us. Season 8 kicks off with “Winterfell”, an episode of reunions, and one massive revelation that has been waiting in the wings since August 2017. Let’s go…..

-First of all, the new title sequence was fantastic. Showing the path south through Westeros from the point of view of the oncoming White Walkers is a huge hint about what this season is going to be: death and destruction at the hands of the Night King, Zombie Viserion and the rest of the squad. Had no idea what the Last Hearth was, had to look it up. Obviously, Winterfell is there, complete with the crypts. Then it is off to King’s Landing, and apparently for the first time ever, we see the Iron Throne in the credits. It’s also kinda funny that the sigil above the Throne belongs to the Lannisters, as Cersei is Queen for now. However, Tyrion probably has a better shot and if you listen to the theories, he might not even……you wanna know what? We’ll get to that at some point this season.

-Also, take a closer look at the gold carvings during the title sequence. Viserion fuckin’ up the Wall is there. A lion (Lannister) looking at a person, who is holding a wolf’s head; shouts to the Red Wedding. But the best one is the last one: I think there are four dragons flying through the sky? And also, before the credits finish, you see the lion (Lannister), wolf (Stark) and dragon (Targaryen) surrounding the Thrones title. However, what about the deer or elk or whatever the shit that is? It’s the Baratheon sigil. Technically, Cersei is still a Baratheon. However, Gendry came back late last season to help steal a wight to bring back to Cersei (which is still one of the greatest, yet absolutely fucking ridiculous, things to happen on this show). So, that house will still have something to say.

-Squad up, as Dany, Jon, Tyrion, Varys and the Targaryen army roll through Winterfell. Arya spots Jon, so that’s about to go down. The kid running to get a better look at the army reminds you of Arya trying to get a better view of her father’s execution in Season 1. There are going to be a whole gang of callbacks to earlier seasons, so get to rewatching. Or, be like me and let other people on the internet figure it out for you. Shouts to Tyrion for making a testicles joke to Varys like, within his first 10 lines. Jon says something to Dany like, the North doesn’t trust outsiders, but then the other two dragons swoop in and really, the North doesn’t have to trust Dany. But they will obey for three reasons: Jon fucks with her (LITERALLY), and two big-ass dragons. Ask the Tarly fellas how that worked out for them. And of course, we will get to that later. Arya is PSYCHED by the dragons, like, yo, I’ma need to get on one of those.

-Family reunion time! Jon sees Bran and tries to be sweet, and Bran is like, we ain’t got time for this shit, b. I could have sworn that Dany and Sansa have met before, but I guess not. Bran is like, y’all are not fuckin’ listening to me, Night King comin’, and he got one of your dragons, doesn’t he? STOP MESSIN’ AROUND. While Bran is super awkward, I’m really here for him tryna expedite the process. Sansa sends Lord Umber up to Last Hearth to get his peoples, because they need all of the help. Lyanna goes at Jon for leaving Winterfell, and as much as I like her, this whole scene was kinda meh. We all know the North is going to ride with Dany, Jon and her dragons. And if not, she’ll just, I dunno, DRAGONS. Although it was pretty good when Sansa asked Dany what they eat, and Dany was like, whatever they want. Keep being smart, Sansa, and get your horses flambeed.

-Tyrion talks to Sansa, because I forgot they were married, or were due to be married, or something of that nature. But neither of them should be even alive, and have gone through a lot to be there. They respect each other, and like Sansa said, they both survived. But Sansa also calls Tyrion out for believing that Cersei will send the Lannister army to help them, and she has every right to think that. Bran creepily looks at Tyrion, but Bran does that to everyone.

-Jon and Arya meet at the Tree with the Faces. Four Stark kids for the first time since Season 1, Episode 2, I think. Well, three Stark kids. Well, two Stark kids? You wanna know what, Sansa is the only one I’m confident is still a Stark. Arya calls Sansa the smartest person that she has ever known and Jon is like, ehhhhhhhh, that doesn’t sound right. Sansa has been very smart to survive all the shit she has been through. However, I feel like she is going to make a terrible mistake and I hope that I’m wrong.

-Qyburn tells Cersei that the dead has broken through the Wall and she’s like, cool. She got her squad as Euron Greyjoy returns with the Golden Company, which consists of 20,000 soldiers and 2,000 horses. However, there are no elephants and Cersei isn’t pleased. I feel like that could come into play…..but ultimately, Cersei just really likes elephants. Which is fine. Elephants are great. Shit might come in handy against the dead. But hilariously, Cersei still ain’t shook by the dead. Also, Euron has captured Yara, setting up some wild, wild fuckery that makes me angry I have to even write about.

-Euron is like, yo, I brought your army, no elephants, though……when you gon’ let me smash? And actually, that is still better than what Euron says. What a trashbag. And Theon is going to get to kill him, too. Good friggin’ grief.

-Bronn is in a brothel, as Bronn tends to do. But Qyburn interrupts, first to say that the pox is going to take one of his ladies within a year and Bronn is like, which one, likely to put her last on the sex list (he’ll still do it though). She wants Bronn to kill Tyrion and Jaime with the crossbow Tyrion used to kill her father. Literally, the only people that don’t want to kill Bronn? Honestly, I don’t think he does it. I think he has a look, I think he gets a chance, but I don’t think he does it, no matter how loyal Bronn is to this money.

-Cersei and Euron apparently do the thing, and I see people on the internet talkin’ about, oh my goodness, Cersei is drinking while she is pregnant!!!!! First, I bet she isn’t pregnant. Second, You go ahead and tell Cersei that she can’t drink wine. What in the world is her hangover cure? They could pay off the Iron Bank just from those sales. And finally, listen……the incest, yo. The IN to the CEST. The wine might actually help ward that off.

-Alright, here we go. Theon turns into the new James Bond, kills a bunch of people on a boat and rescues Yara, who headbutts him and they’re all good. Word? WORD? Are you kidding me? Nah, b. Not doing this. He is going to go to Winterfell and help the Starks, and I’m going to be so mad when they try and make Theon not a piece of garbage. NOAP. Not here for it. I want the worst death in the show to be his.

-Davos suggests to Tyrion and Varys that Jon and Dany get married if they survive the Night King. I’m in. All incest, all the time. I’ll only watch the GoT prequels if they are solely about incest. Meanwhile, Dany wonders how much Sansa respects her, but then turns her attention to the dragons, who aren’t eating. They’re in this cold, they miss their brother, life is hard for dragons, bruh. But hey, let’s teach Jon how to ride one.

-Also, shouts to people complaining that the CGI didn’t look right. I hate people so much. We’re the worst.

-INCEST KISS WITH DRAGONS WATCHING? GIVE ME FIVE MORE EPISODES OF THIS, PLEASE.

-The Hound and Arya reconvene, and Arya clarifies that she didn’t just leave him to die, she also robbed him. Details, folks. Details. Also, Gendry and Arya are going to hook up and we don’t have time for that.

-Sansa and Jon are getting rejections for more help, and Sansa is all hung up on this King In The North shit, and Jon is like, YO WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW, WE NEED THESE DRAGONS! But Sansa does ask Jon if he bent the knee to Dany because he loves her, or because of the North. Of course, we don’t get the answer, but we all know what the deal is.

-Dany visits Samwell Tarly, who helped Ser Jorah Friendzone get rid of the greyscale on his arm. Dany gives him props, but casually mentions that she may have, you know, ABSOLUTELY DID, kill his father and his brother for not bowing down. Sam leaves, and he’s pretty broken up about it, but if I remember correctly, his family didn’t even like him. His father definitely didn’t, I can’t remember about his brother. He runs out, sees Bran, who is just sitting there, being friggin’ weird. He tells Sam that he needs to tell Jon the truth about his parentage and Sam is like, ehhhhh, you’re his brother. But Sam is actually closer to Jon, and he finds him down in the crypts of Winterfell, standing in front of Ned’s statue. Here we go…….

-Sam starts wildin’, asking Jon if he knew that Dany killed his pops and brother. Sam obviously isn’t happy, and blurts out that Jon is actually Aegon Targaryen, son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, the true King and all that jazz. It’s a lot to take in for Jon, and I mean, Sam definitely could have told him a little more gently. But I think once the shock wears off for Jon, they can deal with this. Preferably, in the next episode. But a whole bunch of problems could come from this. Like, the incest isn’t even in the top seven or eight things they have to deal with from the fallout of this.

-Tormund and Beric Dondarrion are at Last Hearth, and they run into Edd, who was one of Jon’s boys from the Night’s Watch. They then find Ned Umber, who was sent to evacuate the spot, but it didn’t work out for him. He is nailed to a wall, surrounded by severed limbs, which are patterned like something we saw……ummmmm, it was back a few seasons, before we even really see the White Walkers or any of ’em. Back then, the pattern was made by the legs of horses. This time, it’s human arms. Then, Ned reanimates into a wight and Beric stabs him with the flaming sword. It was pretty good. Some good screaming went down. Now, the mission is to get to Winterfell before the Night King does. That’s going to take some moving by the boys.

-And then, Jaime shows up at Winterfell, and BOOM! He sees Bran for the first time since he threw him out of the window in the series premiere, or the second episode, whatever episode Jaime and Cersei were caught engaging in, um, familial relations? I’m running out of ways to say “incest” already. Not good, Bob. Now THAT is going to be an interesting conversation.

-That was a great episode to return to. I know people wanted them to get right back to it, but next week’s episode is five minutes longer and then the final four episodes will be around 80 minutes each. Don’t worry, they have enough time to answer the important questions. If I had to guess, I would say that the Battle of Winterfell will be episode 3, but hell, I could absolutely be wrong. We still have a couple people to catch up to. Melisandre is still kickin’ around somewhere, giving birth to shadows and not explaining ANY of it.

All I know is that I’m so ready for these next five weeks. Let’s get it.

Tiger Tiger Woods Y’all.

American Horror Story: Cult S702 – Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark

The second episode of American Horror Story: Cult keeps it moving with “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark”, which basically screams out that you should be afraid of the dark. It was a pretty predictable episode, but it was entertaining. I don’t know if it was good or bad, but it was entertaining and that’s par for the course for this series. Let’s go……

ahs_dont_be_afraid_of_the_dark

-We pick up where we left off in the first episode, with an oddly-placed bathtub and a clown in Ally’s bed instead of Ivy, who gets a knife and they search the room, but alas, no clowns. Ivy is starting to get sick of this behavior, and says that she doesn’t know how much longer she can take this. I wonder how long it’s gon’ take them to put her, Kai and Winter together. She never happens to be around when the clowns are, even though they were together when the clown gang killed the neighbors, but that could have been just to get Ally away from the house. And Winter was there, so she would have been in on it. I give it by episode 5. They can’t let that go too long.

-The clown that was in Ally’s room went to Oz’s room, and Twisty is there too, but he goes into a room and hides in a bathtub, because bathtubs are a huge thing in AHS, my girl pointed out. We Googled that shit and it goes all the way back to the beginning, but it’s hard to keep track of stuff in this show. But you’re super vulnerable in a tub, she says, which makes sense. I really only take baths when I’m really sore, and not even then, because I ain’t tryna fight intruders with my joint all exposed in these streets. ANYWAY…..Oz’s screams alert his mothers, who wake him up from a night terror…..so, he was dreaming? Is Ally dreaming? And if you say there are clowns and they’re no longer there, why in the hell did it take so long to check on Oz? And that’s not even the worst parenting that pops up in this episode.

-Kai is running for council now that there just happens to be a seat open on the board, thanks to the death of the neighbor. He is using his beating at the hands of the Latinos that he threw a condom full of piss at as his springboard, and we find out that the beating was recorded by a couple played by Billy Eichner and Leslie Grossman. Kai is using fear as his foundation for his run at the council, specifically, fear of violence at the hands of minorities…..jeez, where have I heard and seen this before? So Ally sees this on television, then goes to investigate the new neighbours, who just so happen to be the Wiltons, but instead of knocking on the door and saying hello, Ally peeks through the window, which seems like a good way to get shot. She runs off when Harrison, dressed in some sort of overalls with a mask.

-Ivy and Ally are trying to prepare the staff at their restaurant to be on their own, and there is some beef between the manager, Roger, and a ook, Pedro, which results in swearing, some threats, and a ladel and big-ass knife getting involved. Ally tells Roger to chill and if I’m not mistaken, he started it by saying some shit that could have gotten his ass beaten. Pedro ain’t have to point the knife at him, but a good ol’ fashioned rabbit punch would have been fine.

-Oz is mad at Winter because she made him look like a liar for his description of what happened in the Chang house, but she turns it on him because, well, he’s like eight or some shit and doesn’t know how to argue yet. She does the pinky thing with him that Kai did to her, and then takes him to see the new neighbors without asking Ally and Ivy, who flip out, but yet they don’t fire her because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. And again, STILL not the worst parenting in this episode…..actually, it might be tied for the worst.

-That introduces Ally and Ivy to the Wiltons, and we find that Harrison is a beekeeper, and he says something about the hive being fascinating because they all get down for one common cause. Oz seems to like them because apparently bees are cool, I guess. They’re fine as long as they stay the hell away from me. We also find out that the Wiltons are in a lavender marriage, which I never knew was a thing until the AHS Wikia told me that it is “one undertaken to disguise the homosexuality of one or both partners”. I’m guessing both are, because if you’re going to support the GOP and be gay, I’m imagining that would be quite difficult for a number of reasons. Also, Meadow says that she has skin cancer and a fear of the sun, and she can only be outside for 10 minutes at a time, so that’s going to come into play at some point.

-Later on, Ally and Ivy discuss if the Wiltons are cool or not, with Ally on the side of them being bad and Ivy is like, ehhhh, they’re aight. Oz can’t sleep and wants to sleep with them, and they’re like cool, but Ivy gets word that the security system is going off at the restaurant. Ally says she’ll go to see what’s up, and I can only imagine that there will be at least 38 clowns waiting for her. She hears a noise coming from the meat locker and it is the manager, Roger, hanging from a hook, so no clowns, but check for a manager hanging from a hook. Ivy shows up at the crib with her psychiatrist, Rudy, which is kinda messed up to do that to the person you love. Ally feels bad that she actually killed Roger, who was still alive, but she tried to help and that killed him. Of course, the suspect is Pedro, according to the detective, and Ally and Ivy try to convince him that he isn’t a killer. It is also revealed that Ally got a gun from the Wiltons, who have a small arsenal of guns, and Rudy wants Ivy to keep an eye on Ally, who he thinks is developing agoraphobia, which is “an anxiety disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in situations where the person perceives the environment to be unsafe with no easy way to get away.” (thanks, Wikipedia). I kinda think that Rudy might be in on this, too, making Ally think that she is crazy, or going crazy.

-Kai knocks on Ally’s door to say that he is running for office, and Ally is like, nah, bruh, you threw a coffee at me and my wife and he gives some fake-ass apology. He starts his spiel about how it isn’t safe anymore, more or less for white people, and Ally isn’t buying any of it, and he starts shaking the bars on the doors, which he notices are new. I have no idea why she didn’t just slam the door in his face in the first place, and it took him being a real asshole to get her to do that. Meanwhile, Ivy meets with Pedro, who swears he didn’t do it, but she looks like she is on the fence about it and yeah, she’s fuckin’ shady, b.

-Winter puts Oz to bed because she is still their babysitter somehow, and she walks in on Ally trying to figure out if she wants to take her medication (spoiler alert: she doesn’t). Why is Winter still there when Ally is home? Winter goes to run a bath for her, and we thought that the bubbles had some sort of sedative in it. We’re not even sure that it didn’t as of yet. Winter also tries to seduce Ally, who ain’t havin’ it. But they’re interrupted by the security system going off and there is a clown in Oz’s room, but Oz asks the clown (Winter suggested this to him) if he is awake or still sleeping, and the clown is like, sure, you’re sleeping, fine. And this mufucka just goes right back to sleep. And no Ally checking on him.

-Harrison tells Winter and Ally that there is a major blackout that he thinks is terrorist-related, and Winter is like, fuck it, I’m out. So Ally starts to freak out since she is by herself, and calls Ivy to tell her to come home, but Ivy wants to stay with the frozen meat at the restaurant, which seems like a terrible reason to not go home. Also, Ally’s phone dies, which is why my phone STAYS at 100% and I have the charger with me at all times. Won’t catch me in the zombie apocalypse with a dead-ass phone. So Ivy sends Pedro to go to her house with some supplies for Ally, who STILL hasn’t checked on Oz. She realizes that the security system has been cut intentionally, and then she sees the ice-cream truck that Oz was talkin’ about parked outside the house. She ends up running into a clown on the stairs as she FINALLY goes to get Oz, and she gets her gun. They go downstairs (where is the clown, tho?) and they’re about to leave when they see someone outside the door. It’s Pedro, and she shoots him, of course, and we don’t know if he’s dead, but she shoots him dead in the heart, so it’s not lookin’ good for my man. And where did she learn to shoot like that? Definitely not at parenting class. She skipped those. That pissed me off so much. As soon as you figure out there is a blackout, as paranoid as she is, I’d think my first move is to get my kid. But anyway…..guess someone gotta make bad decisions here.

While I am slightly annoyed by Ally, I do think that this is a group effort to make her think that everything is going to hell (well, everything is going to hell, but they’re focusing specifically on her). Ivy is definitely in on this shit, the Wiltons are as well, but I think they’ll turn on Kai at some point, Winter is just a gong show of a human and Oz might be the only one to survive this entire season of Cult. I have a lot of questions about Cult, but if AHS has taught me anything, it’s that you just have to hold on to them because there will be even more questions after the next episode, and you might not get an answer to them.