Category Archives: Game Of Thrones

Game Of Thrones S06E10 – The Winds Of Winter

Well, after six damn seasons of Game Of Thrones, winter is finally here. But there was a fair amount of heat in the Season 6 finale, “The Winds Of Winter”, unequivocally one of the best episodes in the entire series and the name of the upcoming sixth book. Let’s go………

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-Um, let’s start with Sam and Gilly because this shit will be quick. They show up at Oldtown and walk up to the the maester’s version of the front desk, and much like any front desk you’ve ever been to, the receptionist is not here for any of Sam’s shit. He made Sam’s big ass stretch across that desk to give him the letter from Jon, saying he is supposed to be the new maester, and Mr. Receptionist was like, new Lord Commander? No Maester Aegon? WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. But eventually, he lets Sam into the library, but not Gilly and Little Sam because Sam knew women and children weren’t allowed there. Anyway, Sam has to read like, three million books and he’s pretty psyched about it. Good for him. The fuck you gon’ do with Gilly and Little Sam?

-Let’s move up to the Twins, where Walder Frey is being full of himself as usual, partyin’ off their win over the Blackfish and the Tullys, while Bronn is gettin’ pissy with Jaime because all the women want him. Jaime, being the best wingman ever, calls over two women and Bronn is like, fuck it, I’ll take them, but first, he hit Jaime with the “not blond enough for you?” as both women had dark hair. It was obviously a shot at Jaime about Cersei, and really, Bronn is the only one who can get away with that shit. He has done it before, but what can Jaime say? Bronn has done a lot of shit for Jaime over these last six seasons. Then Jaime moves on Walder Frey, and basically says to him that the Lannisters don’t really need him if they have to ride up and save him every time he loses the Riverlands. He’s not wrong. Walder couldn’t have pulled off the Red Wedding without the Lannisters, and now this. That should have been the first sign for Walder to watch his back, ol’ pedo-ass bastard. But then, he’s chillin’ and in walks a girl that we saw in the previous scene, getting Jaime’s attention. Walder slaps her ass and says she’s too pretty to be one of his, and he asks for his sons. She was like, oh, your sons are right there, on ya mufuckin’ plate and that they were hard to carve up…..and bruh, she pulled off that mask…….ARYA. She says her full name again, completely throwing that “No One” shit in the bushes, and proceeds to slit his throat….and smiles at him. Does this make up for all the other shit that hasn’t happened for Arya this season? Not completely, but it damn sure helps. And this means that Arya is at Riverrun, so how did she get…..actually, you know what? Never mind. She’s there and that’s all that matters. Winterfell next? Maybe King’s Landing? She got that kill list to work on.

-Benjen drops Meera and Bran close to the Wall, right beside a weirwood tree, but Benjen can’t go past the Wall, which has magic or some shit that prevents him from going past it because technically, he’s dead. Sooooooooo…….does this mean the White Walkers and ’em can’t go past the Wall, either? How does that work? Anyway, we’ll figure that shit out later. Bran looks at the tree and was like, I ain’t warged in a minute and Meera is like, you better wake the fuck up when I grab you this time. He goes into his flashback, and it’s at the Tower of Joy, where we hear the screams of Lyanna Stark, and Ned goes on to see what’s up with his sister. She is lying in a pool of blood and whispers to Ned that well, she just had a baby and her father would kill her if she knew who the father was, and we can all safely assume that the father is Rhaegar Targaryen and book readers smugly stroked their chin upon this being revealed. To be fair to them, though, this is one of the theories that I’ve run across that wasn’t stupid, and it NEVER sat well with me that Ned had a bastard child when all we heard about was how honorable he was. Like, that was Ned’s THING, right until the end. But he came up with that story because Jon Snow would have been killed if anyone knew his father was Rhaegar was his father. So yes, Jon is part-Targaryen. He’d better learn to ride a dragon (remember, Rhaegar was Dany’s brother and fun fact, he was supposed to marry Cersei, but his father, the Mad King, said Cersei wasn’t good enough for him and that obviously pissed Tywin off. I could probably write another thousand words on how many people the Targaryens pissed off, and how not good that is for Dany……maybe later). That shit will come in handy.

-Speaking of Jon, he’s chillin’ with Melisandre when Davos bursts in the room and throws some shit at Melisandre, which turns out to be Shireen’s little wooden elk, which is some bullshit in the first place, but whatever. He forces her to tell Jon about the burning of Shireen at the stake, but Melisandre puts up a fight, saying that it was the Lord of Light, but also her parents as Stannis and whatever her mother’s name was were in on it, too. Davos is like, where did that get any of them, and Melisandre is like, shit….you’re not wrong. Jon asks is she has anything to say for herself and Melisandre counters with the fact that, well, she brought him back to life, and the great war is on the way and she’ll be useful to him, which is probably right. But Jon was raised by Ned and he does the honorable thing, which is to tell Melisandre to ride south and never come to the North again, or he’ll have her hanged as a murderer, while Davos is like, fuck all that, I’ll kill you my damn self. And I mean, I get it, killing Shireen was kinda fucked up. But she DID bring Jon Snow back and she probably will be able to help in the great war. She’s not done, we’ll see her again. For their sake, they better hope they see her again. But goddamn, Davos was mad as shit, come like they found a text on their significant other’s phone. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT……I don’t think we’ve ever heard him that mad. And now that I think about it….does he need to go to the Iron Bank and pay that debt for Stannis? That literally just popped into my head.

Jon meets with Sansa, who says that he should sleep in their parents’ old room, but Jon wants her to have it. She admits that not telling him about Littlefinger was the wrong thing to do, which is correct, because people were furious about that last week. Jon asks if she trusts Littlefinger, which she says she doesn’t and I think she knows better than that, but she needed him. Jon tells her they have to be honest with each other if they’re gon’ run Winterfell, but they’ll have this problem again. Oh, and they find out that winter is here through a white raven, and it’s just like their father told them as it’s the motto of House Stark and he it’s the name of the first episode of the series. It’s about damn time. Then Sansa meets with Littlefinger, who finally shoots his shot with her. He tried to kiss her and Sansa was like, nah, thanks for the army, tho. That’s some cold shit. He won’t take that lying down.

Later on, all the lords of the North have gathered and mufuckas are mad that the wildlings are there, but Tormund said they were invited. AND, did you not just see us out there fighting for your punk asses? We lost the last giant (#RIPWUNWUN) out here for y’all, which is all a true story. Jon then tells everyone that the great war is yet to be fought, and then there are some that still think Jon shouldn’t be in charge because he’s a bastard. But Lyanna Mormont steps up to the plate and all but started her speech with, “man, y’all some bitches”. She names all the houses that stopped fuckin’ with the Starks after the Red Wedding, and people that wouldn’t fight the Boltons with him. Where has this little girl been this entire series? I feel cheated that we’re just now gettin’ these Lyanna bars. And y’all are some bitches because you’re getting run by a 10-year-old that has just 62 fightin’ mufuckas….well, um, probably not 62 after last week. I wonder how many of them survived? I’d guess not many. Anyway, they all declare Jon the King Of the North and everyone is chanting, but Sansa looks in the back and Littlefinger is NOT happy because he thinks that’s his spot. So keep an eye on that because if there is one thing we know, it is that Littlefinger won’t stop until he gets what he wants. And he has an army that is probably bigger than Jon’s. But it’s nice to see the Starks taking a W or two after six entire seasons of Ls.

-Aight, NOW, on to the good stuff. The episode starts with everyone getting ready for the trials of Cersei and Loras. It is a very slow and deliberate beginning, and and very detailed, starting with the little kid who whispers something Pycelle as he is getting ready to go, and after he doesn’t pay a prostitute, and you can never trust someone who does that. Loras is brought out of his cell and I assume he’s not making it out of this episode, but instead of a trial, Loras confessed to everything, like, a whole buncha shit. I was waiting for buggery, but no buggery, I think he just used a different name for it. Anyway, he says that he’s done with his Tyrell name, he’ll never have kids, yada yada yada, but that’s not enough as the Sparrows carve that star into his head and Margaery is PISSED. The High Sparrow ain’t pressed tho, and he’s like, these things happen. He also said that Loras wouldn’t be released until Cersei’s trial, but she won’t leave the Red Keep, so he sends Lancel to get her. Of course, Cersei is chillin’ with her wine, mentally tellin’ mufuckas what they ain’t gon’ do today, and when Tommen goes to head to the trial, he’s greeted by FrankenMountain, and that’s when you knew it was about to be ON. Then you have Pycelle, who follows that kid under the Sept into a room with Qyburn, who says that he has no ill will towards Pycelle….but apparently this gang of little kids do. They stabbed the shit outta Pycelle, b. That has to be a record for most times one person has been stabbed in this show.

Margaery knows something is going on with Cersei and Tommen not being there, and says there is some sort of trap, but the High Sparrow is arrogant and was like, meh, it’ll be fine. So Margaery is like, fuck this, and tries to leave, but the Sparrows hold her back. Meanwhile, no one is looking for Lancel, who has followed another kid under the Red Keep, and then the kid stabs him in the spine. He gets to crawling, and it seemed like that dude was on the ground for hours, and he’s crawling, and he’s crawling…and then he discovers the wildfire that they’ve mentioned like, three times in the most recent episodes (I called it firewater in my notes, I was close). He sees a candle and does everything he can to get there to put it out, but he doesn’t get there in time and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM……down goes the Sept, the High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras, the Faith Militant, EVERYONE. We have two points of view here: one is Cersei, who is smirking with what might be her third glass of wine, and then there is Tommen…..who stares out of the window in disbelief, takes his crown off, we hear him sit it down, and then back to the window and doesn’t even hesitate, just walks the fuck out. So there is the prophecy; it was foretold that Cersei’s kids would all die. I don’t know if her having anything to do with it was in there, but they’re gone.

AND THEN, Cersei walks in a room where the big-ass nun is strapped to a table, and she is telling the nun to confess, and pouring wine all over her face. You KNOW Cersei hates you if she’s wasting wine on you. Cersei then confesses to killing her husband and fucking her brother and doing all sorts of shit on the strength of feeling good, and the nun is like fuck it, I’m ready to die, I’m good. But no, no, no, Cersei ain’t ready for that yet….she brings in FrankenMountain, who takes off his mask, and we don’t know what he is doing to her as Cersei leaves, but we hear the blood-curdling screams and it surely can’t be good for ol’ nun, and Cersei walks off repeating “Shame, Shame”, because she’s Queen Petty.

However, a damper is put on the party when Qyburn tells Cersei that Tommen is dead, and she’s like, welp, burn him and put him with his grandfather, brother and sister, and it’s there that hits Cersei, her whole damn family is dead….all she has left is Jaime. No mention of Robert, tho, which isn’t surprising. But Jaime’s reaction is the best as he and Bronn return from Riverrun with King’s Landing burning, and he’s like, fuck, what did she do now. He walks in just in time to see Cersei being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms by Qyburn, and yo…….CERSEI IS ON THE FUCKIN’ THRONE. The season is a success for me because I just wanted Cersei to get revenge and then die, but to put her on the throne? Something that she tried to run with Robert, then killed him, then her sons, and that didn’t work out. But she should be careful because the Iron Throne isn’t really the place to be if you want to live. And besides, Cersei’s plans ALWAYS backfire, so it’s only a matter of time before that shit comes crashing down. However. The Revenge of Cersei is complete and the High Sparrow is dead, so I’m good.

-Quickly, we stopped in Dorne where Ellaria had called Lady O for a meeting, and Lady O is not in the mood for anything. She needs some backup as she blames Cersei for the deaths of Margaery and Loras, and rightly so, oh, and her son, their father, also died at the Sept. Ellaria is all about some Lannister vengeance, but not before Lady O cusses out all three of the Sand Snakes for no reason other than they exist. I love that lady. No one makes some feel small better than Lady O, them bars cut like a knife. But then Varys is revealed, and I’ll tell you what I think that is all about in the next section. So that’s where he was going, but wouldn’t tell Tyrion.

-Finally, we end in Meereen, where Dany breaks up with Daario, which kinda came outta nowhere, but I was okay with it. He is to stay there with the Second Sons and make sure Meereen is smooth, and he’s on some “please baby baby please” shit, but Dany is like, nah, I got shit to do. She tried him as a piece, and it was lowkey hilarious to see the shoe on the other foot, far different from what we’re used to seeing in, well, 90% of television shows outchea. And he’s mad at Tyrion, who is sitting outside and waiting for Dany to see how Daario took the news (meh, he was fine, probably went to a brothel).

Tyrion tries to console her, but Dany is more worried that she doesn’t feel anything about it. The two sit down and talk about what they believe in, and Tyrion didn’t believe in anything, but he believes in her and I’m not going through the shit word for word, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage used this as their Emmy scene (even though neither of them should win). Just the way it was shot, with them in the frame and the window behind them….this is the shit we’ve been building towards and what I’ve been waiting for since Tyrion got to Meereen. He even said it: she has ships, an army, some big-ass dragons….only one thing left to do. As I mentioned before, the Targaryens aren’t liked in King’s Landing, but who cares….she has all of the aforementioned things. Anyway, Dany makes Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and he kneels, but hey, he has been the Hand before. We close with Yara and Theon and the Iron Fleet (and I assume Euron is building, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point), and then Dany, Missandei, Tyrion and Varys on another ship, with Drogon up above. Dany is FINALLY going to Westeros, and she better not make any damn stops along the way. And yeah, Varys…..he got back in time (don’t worry about how long it took for all this, Dorne is kinda close to Meereen and that shit doesn’t mean anything in this show). So he’s aligning Dany and ’em with Dorne and Highgarden against the Lannisters? Tyrion won’t mind, although he’ll do his best to save Jaime, which isn’t likely considering that, you know, he kinda killed Dany’s father. And yo, whatever happen to Melisandre #2, that knew all about Varys’ past and had him shook?

And that was that. The end to Season 6, which might be just after Season 4 for my favorite season, and this was one of the best episodes of the series, hands down. I’m fine with there being fewer episodes in the season (there are seven slated for next season) if they’re going to be longer, and if they’re all this good. I’m not even gon’ speculate on what will happen next season, I’ma let this season marinate and we’ll deal with all that shit over the next ten months, which seems like a long time, but we’ll get through it.

Season 6 MVP: Lena Headey as Cersei. Honorable mention for Sophie Turner as Sansa. I wanted it to be Maisie Williams as Arya, but that storyline dragged for a while.

Thanks for reading and making this the most fun I’ve had since starting this blog, and I haven’t figured out what’s next yet. But whatever it is, it won’t be as fun as Game Of Thrones, the king of television right now.

Game Of Thrones S06E09 – Battle Of The Bastards

It was the week everyone was waiting for. Game Of Thrones usually gets it poppin’ with Episode 9, up until last year, when that shit was upstaged by the prior episode: the battle at Hardhome. Then the episode title was released and “Battle of the Bastards” was supposed to bring it back. Did it? I’m sure everyone is happy with the result, but I’m not sure on the path they took to get there. Let’s go….

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-Alright, so it’s nice and easy, two locations this week and we’ll obviously start with Meereen, where Dany is lookin’ at Tyrion like a mother who caught her kid having a party while she was out. Dany wants to kill the slavers, but Tyrion suggests some sort of surrender plan, so they set up a meeting with the leaders of Yunkai, Volantis and Astapor. The masters suggest that Dany and Tyrion leave, but they also get the Unsullied and Missandei will go back into slavery and her dragons will be slaughtered. Man, it’s hilarious that all these dudes in this show just think they can roll over Dany, like she ain’t got some big-ass dragons. So she looks at them like, oh that plan just won’t do, this was about your surrender…..and up flies Drogon, big as shit, and Dany rides him off into the sky, and they’re joined by Rhaegal and Viseron. You know Drogon was like, yo, I know moms fucked up by locking you away, and we’ll deal with that later. Right now, we got some thangs to take care of. Meanwhile, Daario and the Dothraki ambush the Sons of the Harpy, who are just killing everything in sight, and the soldiers that were with the masters were like, man, fuck this, and they peaced out with the quickness. So the masters are left, and Grey Worm says that one of them have to die, and two of the masters (Yunkai and Volantis) immediately point to the Astapor homie…..Grey Worm is like, y’all hoes ain’t loyal, and cuts both of their throats. Then Tyrion walks up to Astapor and tells him to go and spread the word that Dany will fuck your whole life up if need be.

Shortly after, Theon and Yara get to Meereen to talk to Dany, and they say that they’ll offer the Iron Fleet if she’ll help them kill Euron, who has to be on, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point. They wonder why Theon isn’t leading, and Tyrion makes some cracks from what he knows of what he did at Winterfell, but Theon says that Yara is in charge and Yara tries to lowkey holla at Dany on some “I’m down if you are” type game. I can imagine Tyrion chillin’ with a glass of wine watchin’ and shit. Dany says she will, but the Ironborn can’t rape and pillage anymore and Yara is like, WHAT ELSE ARE WE GON’ DO? But she agrees and Queen Latifah’s “Ladies First” plays in the background. It was a great week for the GOT ladies, which is nice for a change. I’ve always said that women have carried this show, and they dominated this week.

For me, this was the best part of the episode. Why? Dragons, b. Three of ’em. But Dany needs to be gettin’ on the go soon. Get out of Slavers Bay. At least start making your way to the Iron Islands, Westeros in general, really. Just do something. This was very cool and all, but we’ve seen Dany save the day too many times and then not to do anything.

That being said, this was pretty fucking cool.

-Now, to the North, where Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Davos meet up with Ramsay and Smalljon Umber to talk about this battle. Ramsay says he’ll let Jon go for breaking his Night’s Watch vows, which is hilarious because the Night’s Watch is full of criminals and bastards and I don’t know why they follow these vows, but whatever, fine. Oh, and Ramsay wants his wife, Sansa, back. Jon is like, all these people don’t have to die….why don’t we just fight and Ramsay is like, I heard you were good and I’m not about that one-on-one life and my army can beat your half-army. Jon tries to make Ramsay guilty, saying that his men won’t fight for him if Ramsay won’t fight them, and Ramsay really gives no fucks about all that and instead, threatens Rickon, and we’ll get to that fuckboy in a minute. They ask how they can trust that they have him, and Smalljon throws Shaggydog’s head at them. Sansa is like, fuck y’all and you, you’re dying tomorrow, and rides off. So, it’s about to go down. And this was Jon’s first mistake, actin’ like Ramsay has feelings and shit.

Then the crew discuss what they’re up against and their battle plan, and Sansa tells them that they don’t have enough men, but Jon is like, NOAP, this is how we’re doing this. Sansa then gets up in arms because they didn’t ask her what she thought….and she’s right. No one knows Ramsay better than Sansa, for better or for worse, and she could have told Jon that tryna guilt Ramsay wouldn’t work worth a damn. She also points out that he likes to play with people, which we see later on. But Sansa has more on the line than any of these people: if they lose this, she has to go back to Ramsay, and she says she’ll kill herself if that happens. Which is fair; shoutout to Sansa to not killing herself when she was with him.

Next, Davos and Tormund are talking about the wildlings’ battle with Stannis, and they come to the conclusion that they were probably serving the wrong king, but you serve who you serve and that is that. Tormund says he’s going to drink some goat’s milk, while Davos says he’s walking out far enough to take a dump and Tormund tells him, “happy shitting”. Everyone has their pre-battle routines, I guess. Davos gets out to the pyre where Shireen was burned, and he finds the wooden stag that he made for her, because it’s not like it hasn’t snowed a bunch there since then and it hasn’t been windy or whatever, but hey, Davos gotta get pumped up somehow. Then Jon goes to see Melisandre, and he tells her not to bring him back if he dies, and she’s like, bruh, they’re gon’ ask me and I have to try, but it’s up to the Lord of Light. Ain’t that some passin-the-buck shit.

So now, it’s go time. The armies meet up and Ramsay has Rickon tied up, and he tells the youngest Stark that they’re gon’ play a game. The game is for Rickon to run towards Jon, but he has to run, which he does, and Ramsay pulls out his bow. Rickon starts to run towards Jon, and yo……I mean, Rickon, I know you’ve been gone for a while, and you don’t even have to be the next Barry Sanders (NFL running back, shifty as all hell, I know some of y’all won’t get that). But Jesus everlovin’ Christ, can you tuck and roll? Zig-zag just a little? Turn around, see where the arrow is and move? SOMETHING? Dogg, you can’t just run in a straight fuckin’ line and not expect to die. Then on the other side and this was brought up to me by a friend, Jon got off his horse, walked 20 feet, was like, yup, that’s Rickon, then he had to walk all the way back to said horse and then get going…..stay on your fuckin’ horse, bruh. Anyway, they’re running towards each other and Ramsay missed twice, but we all know that he wouldn’t miss a third and it would happen right before he got to Jon. This is where my problems started with this battle, but we’ll keep going. Then Jon gets off his horse and waits for the cavalry to come and again, this was pointed out to me by a friend (thanks, Melissa). It was filmed in such a way that Jon looked like he was lighter than everyone else, and it was like this throughout the battle. Is he the Lord of Light? He’s something. I don’t know what, I assumed it was just because it is Jon Snow and everyone is so pressed for him to be the savior of everything. But there is something to it, for sure. But go back a minute to when the two cavalries meet and it just sounds like a thousand NFL offensive lines colliding. I’ve never understood these battles where mufuckas just rush with their swords pointed straight out, like, I’ma stick this mufucka out and if you get hit, your fault. Meanwhile, they’re doing the same thing, and if you’re on the front line, that’s gotta SUCK.

They get to fightin’ and if there is one thing I’ll always say about Jon Snow, that dude is a helluva swordsman, like Ramsay said earlier. I won’t go through every fight, obviously, but he was mowing mufuckas DOWN left and right, and the filming of this whole thing was reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan, so I’ll never say that wasn’t cool to watch. But then the Bolton army surrounds Jon’s army in a horseshoe formation, and this is a brilliant move by Ramsay. They basically push them in the middle and no one in the Stark army can do anything, really, except Wun Wun, who was ripping people literally in half and that shit was great. Then there are piles of bodies and dead horses and all sorts of shit, and Jon somehow gets tramples by either retreating wildlings or incoming Boltons, hell, probably both, I don’t really care, he was gettin’ trampled by mufuckas, tho. Then, problem #2: Jon is running out of air, but I keep waiting for when he burst out of the feet and people and takes that big gasp of air…….then he did it and I hit the most vicious sideeye of the whole season. And really, this is my biggest issue with this battle and why I don’t think it was better than Hardhome. I never once, ever in life, thought that Jon was in danger of dying. Maybe it’s because he has already died once and they brought him back. But at Hardhome, I thought there was a genuine chance he could die, even though I’m not a Jon Snow fan, I thought he could. This time, I don’t care if he was trampled by a thousand horses and Boltons and Ramsay shoved a spear in his ass, at no point in this episode did I ever think Jon was going to die. And then, of course, just as Jon and ’em are gettin’ worked, a horn sounds and here comes the Knights of the Vale, while Sansa and Littlefinger are chillin’ on a hill and Ramsay is like, what in the fuck…..I didn’t plan for this at all. While this is happening, Smalljon was kickin’ Tormund’s ass, but he looks to see the Vale and Tormund goes full-on Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead and bites that mufucka’s whole throat out. That was the best part of the battle, for me.

Sidenote: some people on Reddit did this thing where they confirmed that Sansa was writing a letter to Littlefinger. We ALL knew that was who she was writing, but some know-it-all mufuckas were pressed to be like, OOOOOOOOOH LOOK, I KNOW  I KNOW. You’re a dickhole if you participate in this. Watch the show like everyone else. Spend that time being a better person so, MAYBE, someone can love you.

Anyway, the Vale is runnin’ shit and Ramsay is like, I’m out, back to Winterfell and close the gates. But he forgets that the Starks have a giant, and Wun Wun busts through the door like a big-ass Kool-Aid Man. However, he also have enough arrows in him that he looks like a human that ran through a field of hitchhikers (don’t front like you don’t know what they are), and is brought down from an arrow to the eye from Ramsay. This was the most upset I was through the whole thing. Wun Wun went out like a fuckin’ G. The G-est of Gs. Pour somethin’ out for him. But Jon and ’em are through, and Ramsay is like, aye dogg, I was just playin’, how about that one-on-one battle you suggested, and started firing arrows at him. But Jon grabs a shield and just keeps going forward until he gets to Ramsay, and sweet Jesus, he starts kicking his ass and it sounds like someone punching raw steaks. But then Sansa shows up and Jon is like, you know what, you deserve this and again, predictable. So they take down the Bolton banners and the Starks are back in Winterfell, and it was nice to see the wolf banner back there after the Starks have taking more Ls than Steph Curry is right now. When was the last time they got a win? Hell, a tie? I’m not sure they’ve taking one. Jon orders that Rickon is buried in the crypts next to Ned, and Sansa is like, where is he, so Jon tells her down in a cell. Ramsay is a mess, but he says that she’ll never be rid of him because he is a part of her…….AYE YO, SANSA PREGNANT, DOGG? SANSA PREGNANT! Man, I’d throw that baby off the highest cliff so fast, it wouldn’t even be funny. Punt that shit like it was a football. But Sansa gets the last laugh (for now) as she releases his hounds on Ramsay, who hasn’t fed them in a week, he said, and he’s like, they won’t eat me. You ain’t fed them in a week, bruh. He tries to tell them to get down, and they did……ON HIS FACE. They start tearing at him as Sansa walks away to the sound of his screams, with a smile.

My take on this battle is that, no matter how they got here, everyone was just happy for Ramsay to be dead. The battle was fantastic, visually stimulating and all that. I just found it to be wildly predictable from start to finish. But hey, Ramsay died, so this is apparently the best battle ever. Here are my GOT Battle Power Rankings:

  1. Hardhome
  2. Blackwater
  3. Battle of Winterfell (this one)
  4. Castle Black (and you might be able to switch these if you wanted to)
  5. Whatever they’re callin’ the Stannis joint from last season.

It was fine. It was very good. It wasn’t the best, tho. I chalk it up to recency bias and the fact that Ramsay died, and fuck him. And fair enough, I guess. But the fact that I can think of two battles that are way better and it’s not even close, shows you the high standard to watch Game Of Thrones is held, and usually delivers.

Now, on to the finale, which is 69 minutes long and supposed to be packed with surprises, but I’m staying away from previews because I just wanna watch it on Sunday night and be done with it. I assume it’ll be largely filled with Cersei, they’d have to touch on Bran, a little bit of….actually, you know what? I’m not making predictions. Shit will be almost 70 minutes, so we might see everyone before going into the offseason. Let’s fuckin’ get it. One more week.

 

 

Game Of Thrones S06E08 – No One

We’re officially in the homestretch of Game Of Thrones‘ sixth season with “No One”, and things are set up for a wild final two episodes. Too bad that I liked everything about this episode, except the storyline that sparked the title. Let’s go…..

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-Let’s start with Riverrun, because there’s a whole buncha shit goin’ on in those streets. Brienne and Pod da Gawd got there to holla at the Blackfish, but they realize that the Lannister army is there as well, and the Freys, but they’ve already proven to not be worth a damn. They’re surrounded quickly by Lannister people, and Brienne tells them that she wants to speak to Jaime, and she has his sword. So she goes to meet him in a tent, while Bronn sees Pod and starts fuckin’ with him, making jokes and he offers to teach him how to fight. I wonder how many times he has pulled that “look at your stance” joint….that shit is the “are your shoes untied” of Westeros, I bet. Jaime and Brienne’s meeting was fine enough. Brienne needs help for Sansa and her battle, but Jaime is like, we’re kinda fighting Blackfish right now, so if you can just take a number. Brienne at least gets Jaime to let her talk to the Blackfish and Jaime was like, cool, I’ll let him leave, but he gotta be out by nightfall and when Brienne tries to give him back his sword, he denies her. Then Brienne pulls some shit about having to fight him if the Blackfish won’t surrender because of her oath to Catelyn Stark, and if I’m Jaime, I’m like, well give me back my sword, then. What kinda shit is this? I suppose the name of the sword is Oathkeeper, but still, gotta let some shit slide, Brienne. And that is why she’ll die at some point. Anyway, she goes to the Blackfish and tries to talk to him, and he’s like naaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Even when she brings up Sansa, Blackfish is like, I’d love to, but I got some thangs goin’ on right now and I can’t spare it. So she sends a raven to tell Sansa it’s a no-go, but Sansa is already on the horn to Littlefinger, because we all think she was writing the letter to him last week, right? Right.

Jaime then goes to Edmure Tully, who is kinda being a dick and Jaime tells him that he has a son with Roslin Frey, and if he can convince the Blackfish to get out, Jaime will let them live out their days at Casterly Rock. Edmure is still kinda being a dick and then Jaime tells him about being Catelyn’s captor, and he came to respect her for her love of her children, which is why he loves Cersei and basically, he’ll kill every Tully in here (word to Riley Cooper, look it up) to get back to her. Bruh, he said he would catapult his son off the castle. So Edmure obviously changes his mind and goes to the Blackfish, who doesn’t want the guards to even open the drawbridge, but they do. Edmure orders that they surrender to the Lannisters because technically, his pops was Hoster Tully (Catelyn’s pops as well), so Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun. He allows the Lannisters and Freys to come in, put their banners up, pictures on the wall, feet all on their couch, spillin’ popcorn on the floor, all that. Then he orders the Blackfish to be in chains, and the Blackfish refused to leave with Brienne instead, instead opting to fight. It is reported that he died, but I ain’t see the fight, so it didn’t happen. The shit ends with Brienne and Pod leaving on a boat, and she and Jaime wave to each other. That was kinda underwhelming…..I want more Jaime and Brienne, but I guess purposes have to be served. And Sansa definitely isn’t getting the help of Riverrun now as Jaime pointed out that she is still a suspect in Joffrey’s death.

-Over at King’s Landing, the Faith Militant want to see Cersei and they’re led by Cousin Lancel, who lowkey started all this shit in the first place. Lancel tells Cersei that the High Sparrow wants to see her and she’s like, nah, tell him to come to me. Lancel tells her that if she doesn’t come nicely, there might be violence and Cersei is like, what, you don’t see FrankenMountain behind me? I choose violence, she says, which seems like something she has said before and even if she didn’t, she has definitely thought it. One of the dudes tries to step to him, but his sword got stuck in FrankenMountain’s armor. FrankenMountain then picks the dude up and throws him, and then rips off his head and Lancel is like, you know what? Maybe we’ll come back later. Then Cersei goes to the Great Hall to find that something is going on and she wasn’t told, but Uncle Kevan tells her she’s not apart of the circle and she can go stand with the regular people. The announcement comes from Tommen that trials by combat are now forbidden, and you knew that was coming after Lancel watched his homeboy get his lid ripped off. He went back to the High Sparrow and was like, nah, we can’t do this, dogg. This puts Cersei at a supreme disadvantage because FrankenMountain is literally all she has. What is she gon’ do now? Qyburn tells Cersei that he had been investigating an old rumor that she had told him about, and the rumor was more than a rumor. I’ve no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but we’ll find out soon enough. All I know is that Cersei is in quite a pickle. What is about to be, a spelling bee? Slam dunk contest? Should be interesting.

-Over to Meereen, where the Red Priestesses are telling everyone that Dany was sent by the Lord of Light to stop slavery (which isn’t really working out for her), while Tyrion and Varys are scheming, as they’re known to do. They’re skeptical on putting these “fanatics” in a position to control the people and well, they should maybe look over to King’s Landing to see how that is working out for them. Anyway, Varys says he’ll go on a secret mission to recruit people to help Dany when she gets to Westeros….but how do they know she’s going there? She should and I hope she does, but I’m not saying shit until she does. Anyway, he leaves and Tyrion goes to hang with Grey Worm and Missandei, and he gets them to have a drink with him, Missandei, at least. He also wants jokes and Missandei tries to tell one and Grey Worm is like, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life and I’m like, dogg….she wants to fuck with you and you ain’t got no dick….AND NOW YOU’RE SHITTING ON HER JOKES? Apparently, that was him making a joke and Missandei, who is LIT off one sip of wine, starts laughing and he smiles at her. I bet Missandei would destroy a bottle of Boone’s wine. That, or some Palm Bays.

But then, they hear the sound of shooting and they see a buncha ships from Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis, firing flaming arrows and all sorts of other shit. They’re killing Meereen and Tyrion is like, well, diplomacy didn’t work, so how about you handle this, Grey Worm? Then they hear footsteps on the roof of the pyramid and the guards go to investigate, but they bow….it’s Dany, who came back with Drogon and man, she burst in that room like the “All Lives Matter” movement (with their bullshit, but anyway). That shit was hilarious. All she needed was a cape and to put her hands on her hips. So yeah, Dany back and next week, or maybe two weeks from now, Drogon and his brothers will absolutely get it poppin’. If she can swing it, shoot, there are ships there for the taking, but I fear the dragons will burn the shit outta them.

-Next, we’re in the Riverlands, where the Brotherhood Without Banners are crackin’ jokes after their destruction of Ian McShane and ’em.The Hound rolls up behind them with his axe and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, heads were rollin’ all over the damn place. Groins were cut, guts were spilled, all that shit, he went to town on mufuckas. Then he keeps going to find more of them, and he finds Beric Dondarrion, who the Hound killed back in Season 3 in a trial by combat, but he keeps coming back to life because of the Lord of Light and Thoros, who is also there with him. They’re going to hang a few more people involved with the massacre of McShane and ’em, and the Hound is like, lemme kill ’em. Thoros is like, cool, but you can’t butcher them and the Hound is like, normally I’d kill all y’all mufuckas and then, them, but fine, we’ll hang ’em. He probably also realized that he already killed Beric and well, here he is, so what’s the point. He also takes one of the men’s boots because, fuck him.

The Hound chills with the Brotherhood, who want him to join up because he’s a damn beast and that “cold winds are blowingin the North”. Basically, the White Walkers are coming and they need his help, and hopefully, he will. The Hound is a beast, but I don’t know how much he can do against them. Can’t hurt to try, tho.

-Sigh…..finally to Braavos, where Lady Crane is playing Cersei, mourning Joffrey, but this script has been edited to add Cersei’s revenge like Arya suggested. She walks offstage and there is Arya, chillin’, hangin’ out, you know, just bleeding out. She helps Arya because apparently she is a damn EMT on the side….problem #1 with this. Lady Crane then tells Arya that she beat up Bianca, who Arya pointed out as wanting her dead, and then she asks Arya to join the play company and go to Pentos. Arya takes some milk of the poppy (heroin, opium, whatever you want to call it) and goes to sleep, and wakes up to a dead Lady Crane, who was killed by the Waif, who disguised herself as a man. Arya is like, fuck this, and jumps out of a window like Omar on The Wire, and not a sprained ankle, a broken toe, nothing……strike #2. They run through the streets like an old-school samurai movie, and Arya falls down some steps….like, barrel rolls down like, 15 or 20 steps. You know what? I won’t give this a strike, but a strong sideeye. She gets to a darkened room that has a candle in it, and the Waif tells her that she can die on her feet, or on her knees, so Arya takes out Needle and cuts out the flame for strike #3. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……where did Needle come from and more importantly, why didn’t she pull that shit out from the jump? Good on her realizing that maybe she fought better when she was blind, so she cut out the candle…..but seriously, why not pull that shit out? I’m not watching it again, but this all seems stupid and I’m not buying it.It’s fine, though. It’s okay to criticize Game Of Thrones. It does some stupid shit sometimes. Like, how did she not know the Waif would show up at Lady Crane’s? Arya was so damn sloppy, but of course, they were never going to kill her. Like, EVER.

Then, Jaqen gets to the Hall of Faces and finds a trail of blood, which he follows to the wall and he sees the face of the Waif with her eyes gouged out. Arya is behind him and asks him if he sent the Waif to kill her, which he admits and he’s impressed as she has become No One and can roll with the Faceless Men. Arya is like, man, fuck y’all, I am Arya Stark of Winterfell and I’m going the fuck home. Jaqen smiles and is like, cool, but he’s not done with her. I’m done with this storyline, though. It was a solid idea, but it has gone on long enough and if she just goes home to do whatever, what the hell was this all for?

My biggest, biggest, biggest problem with this, though? We didn’t get to see Arya kill the Waif. We’ve watched this monster of a human being fuck Arya’s whole life up for more than a season. She has kicked her ass with weapons, without weapons, with sight, with no sight, while she was awake, while she was asleep…..for all this, we deserve to see her die. I thought that was kinda cheap. But hey, I’ll live. Now, where will Arya go? No point in going back to Winterfell…..or is there?

Next week, my friends…..”Battle of the Bastards”, and it’s directed by Miguel Sapochink, who is also directing next week’s finale (which is like, 70 minutes long or some shit). Sapochink directed last season’s “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Party, and he also did the preceding episode, “The Gift“. If he’s at the helm, then I’m thinking the next two episodes are going to be just LOADED with killing and gratuitous violence. I’m not sure if the episode will be centered entirely on Winterfell as GOT tends to do with big battles like Hardhome, and Season 2’s Blackwater, but I have a feeling it will be. We’ll see Jon, Sansa, Ramsay, Rickon, Littlefinger will probably be in the house, Davos, all of them will be prominent, and don’t forget Lyanna and the 62 Mormonts. If not, I’m sure Dany will be a thing, we gotta get back to Bran, and hopefully someone would have killed either Tommen, the High Sparrow or Cersei, because we’re not getting out of this season with one of those three dying; possibly all three. I’m so fuckin’ ready for next week.

Game Of Thrones S06E07 -The Broken Man

“The Broken Man” brought back an old friend to Game Of Thrones. And by friend, I meant “character that was a horrible person, but I was a fan”, which could extend to probably 85% of the characters on this show. Let’s go……

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-I guess we’ll start with that as there was a scene before the opening credits, which has happened, I don’t know, maybe two or three times in the past……the only time I can remember off-hand is the premiere of Season 4, when Tywin Lannister was melting down Ned Stark’s sword into two swords (the name of the episode is “Two Swords”, if you’re wondering). Anyway, we follow a man, watching people tryna get a village started up. I was racking my brain tryna think of who the leader was, and it’s Ian McShane, who I guess you would know from Deadwood, which I’ve never seen and probably never will. I’m sure it’s a fine show, and it was one of HBO’s first BIG shows, but I don’t give nary damn about a western, so I’ll take y’all word for it. Anyway, we pan past all his people and we see the Hound, who I would like to think, no one thought he was dead…..right? Anyway, this whole episode was about Ian McShane, whose name was Brother Ray, apparently, telling us how he saved the Hound and that the gods weren’t done with him yet, and that he’d already been punished for the foul shit he did.

Then later on, some men roll up on horses and I had no idea who they were, but they were from the Brotherhood Without Banners. They had their eyes on the Hound, but they left and the Hound told Ian McShane they’d be back. So he left to go and chop wood, but he was so focused on that wood that he missed the slaughter of an entire village. He ain’t have no headphones on or nothing, just didn’t hear all of the death and destruction that was going on, shit, couldn’t have been that far away. At the end of it, Ian McShane had been hung and the Hound grabs an axe like, shit, y’all turned me BACK into a killer. Ian McShane had said that it’s not too late to change your ways, and he obviously had to die because he doesn’t know this world at all. Game Of Thrones isn’t a show where people change for good….eventually, you go back to being what you are. If you don’t, you’ll probably die. Anyway, the Brotherhood have long had beef with the Hound and his brother (they wanted to execute the latter and they took the Hound in Season 3), who is now FrankenMountain and you would think that the beef is over. As Brynden Tully says later, “as long as I’m breathing, the war is never over”. That shit must be EXHAUSTING. Anyway, I’ll be clear: it was the Brotherhood that did this.

Ol’ boy was going to TOWN on that firewood, tho. Good grief.

-On to King’s Landing, where Margaery is a regular church-goer now, reciting passages to the High Sparrow like she has been doing this her whole life. The High Sparrow (who looks like he has at least washed his face now) asks her why she hadn’t slept with Tommen yet and that they need an heir, and if I’m Margaery, I’m like, the fuck is this WE shit? Shit changes tho, when the High Sparrow is like, you need to convert your grandmother or else, her safety would be in trouble….body and soul. Usually, the High Sparrow is a little more clever with his threats, but he obviously feels himself right now and he might as well had just came out and said, we gon’ kill her if she doesn’t fly right. So Margaery gets Lady O to come visit her, with the Septa taking time out of shaming people and whacking them in jail cells to supervise the meeting. Lady O gets some jokes off as she’s known to do, and then tries to figure what was up with Margaery, who does a masterful job of acting like she’s Team Sparrow, but as she convinces Lady O to leave, she slips a note in her hand mad slick-like. Lady O doesn’t say shit, she takes the note and leaves, and the note has a rose on it, which is the sigil of the Tyrells.

But the main event is Cersei, who takes FrankenMountain with her as she goes to see Lady O off, and man……….WOOOOOOOOOOOO. Lady O spent her remaining screen time in this episode just spittin’ those BARS at Cersei, blaming the shit all on her, telling her that she remembers that smile Cersei hit when Loras and Margaery were captured, that Cersei might die outchea in these streets because she’s surrounded by enemies and that Cersei’s defeat is the only good thing to come from all this. Shit was so venomous…..and the best part is that Cersei couldn’t say shit because all of it is true. Like…..ALL of it. I still need Cersei to get this revenge, but she has to die immediately after that. Such is life in the world of Game Of Thrones.

-Move on to Riverrun, where Jaime and Bronn are marching on his orders to take it back from Brynden Tully, better known as the Blackfish. It’s always fun to have Jaime and Bronn together because funny and sarcastic Jaime is the best Jaime. When he gets with Cersei, she brings him down and that works for her, but not him. They get to Riverrun and the Freys are tryna get Blackfish outta the castle, bringing out Edmure Tully, threatening to hang him and then stab him. Blackfish is like, man, g’head, I don’t even like that dude. And they don’t even do anything. Jaime is disgusted and tells them all to kick rocks, and even backhands a mufucka to let ’em know it’s real. He sets up a meeting with Blackfish and tells him that all will be good if he gives up the castle, but Blackfish says he has two years worth of food and is ready to die for this, and he asks Jaime if he has two years before walking away. Goddamn, that’s thorough.

So I guess Jaime will lead the crew to the doors, and then Brienne comes outta nowhere, since Sansa sent her down there in the first place? That reunion is about to be GOOD. And Bronn might get jealous as he thought he was Jaime’s #1 road dog, but he DOES NOT want those problems with Brienne. But that’s my guess.

-Quick stop in with Theon and Yara, who after making their getaway from the Iron Island, they stopped at a brothel, which could be a buffet of Theon dick jokes if you wanted. Shit, Yara made a couple and Theon was like, man, come on, and she was like, fine. But she made him drink ale and basically told him that if he’s going to roll with her, he needs to suck it up and for lack of a better phrase, get some balls about him (although he might still have those….y’all know what the fuck I mean). The title of the episode, I think, is about Theon, who has been broken down as much as anyone in this show (it could also be about the Hound, I guess). And besides, she needs him because Yara’s plan is to holla at Dany and team up because she has the ships, and Dany has everything else. She was one of many that heard Euron’s plan and was like, that’s not half bad. I hope she goes about it better than he is planning on doing.

-Up in the North, Jon, Sansa and Davos are going around, tryna find troops to fight the Boltons. They get the wildlings on board because as Tormund says, yo, he ACTUALLY DIED because the Night’s Watch didn’t want them there. Also, Ramsay will kill them after they kill the Night’s Watch, which is true. They go to House Mormont, which is now led by Lyanna Mormont (named after Sansa’s aunt, Ned’s sister and the center of a thousand theories that I don’t care about), who is 10 years old and a feisty little queen, but I suppose to have to be. She shoots down Jon and Sansa, who try to butter her up, but then Davos steps up with a monster of a speech that basically says, for all of this shit, none of it matters because the White Walkers are coming and we’ll have your back then if you have ours now. Lyanna says cool, and as soon as she was done, I thought to myself, this shit is about to be for 100 fighting men. I was optimistic about that…..they have 62 men. But hey, 62 is better than none, and certainly better than what they received at House Glover, who hit them with that “NOAP” and he only let them in because of Ned’s name. Also, Robb Stark didn’t help them when the Iron rolled through and crushed their buildings, so yeah, fuck ’em. Aye dogg, the game is the game. Sansa wants to hold off on attacking Winterfell and Jon is like, nah, we gotta do it now. So we end with Sansa, writing a letter to someone. My money is on Littlefinger, who did say that he had people to back up Sansa if need be and while Sansa threatened his life last time they spoke, at this point, she doesn’t have much of a choice.

-And finally, we get to Braavos, where Arya is tryna figure out a way to get outta there. She bribes a sailor and the plan is to leave at dawn, and she’s walking away and smiling, and we all got a feeling in the pit of our stomachs, didn’t we? And as soon as that old woman approached her, we all knew how this was going down, right? The old woman turns into the Waif and stabs Arya like, 4 or 5 times in the gut, and Arya shoves her away and falls over a bridge into a river. The Waif walks away, which doesn’t seem like something she would do, and Arya pops up out of the water. She manages to get back to the streets, where she is stumbling around and holding her stomach, and I’m like, yo, can SOMEONE fuckin’ help this little bleeding girl or nah? Braavos is a shitty, shitty place, bruh. At this point, I just want Arya to get outta there, go back and get that revenge later, but right now, you ain’t built for this. And what’s with the Waif carrying a nail file to a fight? That knife was little as shit.

So, we have three episodes left in Season 6 and this was a solid episode, directed by Mark Mylod, who did “The High Sparrow” and “Sons Of The Harpy” from Season 5. He’ll direct next week’s as well, which is called “No One”, so Arya is about to be featured. I’m also waiting on the riot/party/fight in Riverrun with Jaime, Bronn, Brienne and Blackfish, and Cersei’s trial by combat with the FrankenMountain might be up next week. We’ll probably check in with Dany, who I fuckin’ hope gets to Meereen soon, and that means Tyrion, Varys and new Melisandre. And do we even care about Dorne anymore? I’m good if we never see it again. Anyway, three to go, so let’s enjoy these Game Of Thrones joints.

Game Of Thrones S06E06 – Blood Of My Blood

I bet a lot of y’all had to pull the Wiki up for “Blood Of My Blood”, the beginning of the second half of Game Of Thrones. Bringing back characters from five years ago? I can’t remember what I had for dinner two days ago. Let’s go………..

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-Let’s start where we left off last week, with Meera dragging Bran’s vision-havin’ ass through the snow away from all the wights and the White Wakers. Shoutout to Hodor keeping them at bay long enough that they got a decent headstart, because they were surprisingly far enough from the Raven Cave. Meera would be a Crossfit master, I bet. While this is happening, Bran is having all sorts of visions, ones of the Mad King yelling “burn them all!”, the Red Wedding, the battle at Hardhome, the Iron Throne and I think Jaime was in there, maybe Cersei, too. Eventually, she gets tired and collapses as the cold-zombie gang (thanks, Milli) showed up and lo and behold, dude comes outta nowhere on a horse and starts whippin’ ass, and throws Bran and Meera on his horse to escape. When they get a safe place, which I still don’t get because as the man himself says, “the dead don’t stop” (or something along those lines), Meera asks why he helped them as the man is cracking open a rabbit head and pouring the blood out. He says he was sent by the Three-Eyed Raven who lives again, which wakes up Bran out of his trance. Then he takes off his mask and Bran sees its his uncle Benjen, who we haven’t seen since Jon got to the Wall in Season 1. You might not recognize him because, well, it was back in Season 1, and his face is probably more blue than you remember. That’s because, he says, he was stabbed by a White Walker, but the Children of the Forest saved him with their magic, so he’s only part-wight, I would assume the good part, though. He tells Bran that he’s the Three-Eyed Raven now and he has to take on the White Walkers. If Bran is gon’ do this, he has to learn to control this whole vision-havin’ shit. Hodor is gone, bruh, and Meera can’t be carryin’ you around on this sled. Anyway, cool scene and reintroduces Benjen back to the story, although there is probably more to it than he says. And back to Bran’s visions, I think that’s the first time we’ve ever seen the Mad King. There should be a webseries on how mad he is, featuring the Mad Rapper.

-Sam and Gilly are on their way to Horn Hill, where Sam grew up, and Sam says they should tell his family that Little Sam is his son, and that she can’t tell anyone he is a wildling because his pops hates wildlings. Gilly is asking a lot of questions, and I feel like she needs to just fall back and do what needs to be done to get this roof and this food. We meet Sam’s moms and his sister, who tries to tell Sam that she’s supposed to marry someone or other, but her moms tells her to be quiet. Later at dinner, they’re eating and Sam tells his father that the plan is to become a maester and go back to Castle Black. His father proceeds to just destroy him, calling him fat and all sorts of shit, and Gilly steps up, telling him that Sam killed a White Walker, which gives away the fact that Sam met her further north of the Wall. His father, Randyll, continues to berate them and his wife, Melessa, gets up to leave because well, her husband is an asshole. She takes her daughter (Talla) and Gilly, while Randyll tells Sam that Gilly can stay and work in the kitchen, and Little Sam will be a bastard, but Sam gotta go. Sam apologizes to Gilly later and tries to leave, but he turns around and is like, nah, we all goin’. But as they prepare to leave, he takes Heartsbane, a Valyrian sword that belongs to his family. That sword is big as shit, like, Brienne-sized. Sam might need to make a Bran-sled to carry that shit. But I bet it’ll come in handy at some point.

-Over in King’s Landing, Tommen and the High Sparrow are talking about Margaery’s Walk of Atonement, and Tommen goes to see her. Margaery is surprisingly not bitter at the High Sparrow and kinda admitting to all these sins, including not being a good queen to the poor,, and Tommen is like, uh, I didn’t expect that at all….but he kinda fucks with it. That being said, I think something is up because Margaery is her grandmother’s granddaughter. Mace Tyrell is bringing the troops to the city, where they meet up with Jaime. They get to the Great Sept, where Margaery is about to walk the streets, but everyone is there, including Lady O, who is just fanning herself all elegantly, but with the stankest look on her face because well, the streets probably smell awful. Look at all the dirty mufuckas waiting for Margaery to make that walk. Dicks were already out, mufuckas had poop in their hands, ready to throw. But there is Jaime, telling the High Sparrow to let Margaery and Loras go or it’s gon’ be a fight, and the High Sparrow replies that his crew is ready to die like Biggie, and they wanna die, which is kinda fucked, but look at this guy. Then he says that the Walk has been cancelled and the citizens are like, WELL WHY DO I HAVE FECES IN MY HAND? Then Tommen walks out with his guards to join the High Sparrow and Margaery, and tells everyone that the throne and the faith are now a power couple. Jaime doesn’t know what’s going on, and neither does Mace, but Lady O said that they’re beaten. Shit gets worse as Tommen strips Jaime of the Kingsguard, even though Jaime has been doing this since before he was born, and if I were Jaime, I’d just blurt, BITCH, I’M YOUR FATHER. Tommen then tells Jaime that he’ll be moving away from King’s Landing in lieu of not having to go to the dungeons or anything like that. I don’t know why they didn’t just roll through the Sparrows. They have batons; y’all have swords. Although I suppose the Kingsguard is now aligned with them. Man……Tommen might be the worst king of them all, and that’s saying a whole helluva lot for Game Of Thrones. Someone asked me if it’s a good thing that the king and the High Sparrow are joining forces. I haven’t watched five-plus seasons of this shit for the High Sparrow to be runnin’ anything. And shoutout to whoever it was on Twitter that called that dude “Dirty Bernie Sanders” (I tried to find it on Twitter and you’d be surprised at how many tweets contain those three words, but not in this context and that is a conversation for another day). That shit was GREAT.

So Jaime runs to Cersei because he doesn’t wanna go and help Walder Frey take back Riverrun as Tommen has commanded, and he wants to find Bronn to get a crew together and kill the High Sparrow. Cersei tells him that he’ll be dead before that happened and that would ruin everything, so he should go to Riverrun and flex that Lannister muscle. Jaime continues to sulk and says that he wants to be there for her trial, but Cersei say that it’s a trial by combat and she has FrankenMountain, so she’s good……so obviously, he’s gon’ die. How do you kill a monster that is already dead? I have a feeling we’re about to find out. Anyway, they kiss and I keep forgetting about the incest

-Arya is watching the rest of the play, and we get there as fake Tyrion is poisoning fake Joffrey. She is laughing and as I’ve heard from a couple podcasts over the week, this is probably the first that Arya is hearing about any of this. But she does feel some kinda way about fake Cersei, who is quite sad about her son dying, but Arya has a job and that is to kill her, so she goes backstage (security SUCKS at these plays) and gets caught by Lady Crane. She talks to Lady Crane and the two kinda get along, and Arya suggest to her that the real Cersei wouldn’t be sad, she would want revenge, which is absolutely not wrong. Lady Crane takes her suggestion to the writer of the play, who is basically like, fuck your opinion, and as Lady Crane goes to drink the poison Arya put into her rum, Arya knocks it out of her hand and tells her that her understudy, Bianca, wants her dead. This was alluded to last week, and this week as Lady Crane was reciting her line, and you see Bianca offstage, mouthing the same lines. But while all this is going on, the Waif sees everything…..who in the fuck is running security at these plays? Can anyone walk in the back? Anyway, the Waif runs to tell Jaqen and says Arya wasn’t ready and needs to die, and Jaqen says not to allow her to suffer. Meanwhile, Arya goes to get Needle and goes to sleep, although she has to know that there is no sleep and something is about to happen. Good, because this storyline needs to end soon and I can’t WAIT For Arya to fuck ol’ girl up.

-Walder Frey is back in the house as we haven’t seen him since shortly after the Red Wedding. His sons tell him that Brynden has taken Riverrun, and he chastises them for losing him at the Red Wedding in the first place; Brynden was the one that went outside to pee right before the doors closed on Robb and Catelyn. There are also a couple more houses that are going against the Freys, along with the Brotherhood Without Banners, who are basically a rebel army for the people that was kinda created by Ned Stark back in the day. But Walder tells them that he has a plan, and that plan is to bring out Edmure Tully, who Frey has had since the Red Wedding, which was Edmure’s wedding to Roslin Frey. The plan is to trade Edmure for Riverrun, but we all know Walder is a dick and has no intentions of living up to this deal. This is the same dude that killed the Starks after sharing his food and his house with him, so yeah, he gives not a single, solitary fuck about honor. I thought it was Crastor, Gilly’s FatherBabyDaddy, because he slapped that little girl in the ass, but I was corrected that it wasn’t. I can’t keep all the incest and pedophilia straight on this show.

-Finally, Dany, Daario and her new-old-new army of Dothraki are walking through the desert, and Dany is wondering how many ships she’ll need to get everyone back to Westeros. This includes the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Second Sons, Tyrion, Varys, Melisandre Part 2 and her crew that Dany doesn’t even know she has yet, all of Bad Boy AND Death Row Records, all them mufuckas. Daario is like, about a thousand, so basically however many ships Euron Greyjoy plans on building. Then, Dany tells Daario to chill, she gotta go see something, and she takes a while, and Daario is like, I’m go get her. But he stops when he sees a big-ass shadow, and then you hear the shriek……DRAGON SHRIEK. Dany comes in flying on Drogon’s back, but I’m wondering if Dany fed the horse to Drogon? She left on a white horse and comes back on a mufuckin’ dragon. Anyway, she gives the Dothraki a rousing speech and says that the entire khalasar are her bloodriders, instead of the usual trio. The Dothraki are ready to ride for Dany and roll through the armies of the Seven Kingdoms, and yes, Dany, we’re ready, too. But we’ve heard this before. Stop fuckin’ around and go get this throne.

“Blood Of My Blood” was a fine episode, probably not the strongest of the season, but it sets up for the next four episodes. Benjen probably has to help Bran do more Raven training, while Brynden is about to be brought into a lot of shit with the Freys hollerin’ at him, and the Sansa/Jon army will be coming, too. Dany is about to fall ass backwards into a shitload of ships one way or another. And oh yeah, I won’t say it here, but you can find the remaining episode titles on the internet. Episode 9, bruh…..episode 9.

Four more to go……….

Game Of Thrones S06E05 – The Door

We’ve reached the halfway point of Season 6 of Game Of Thrones with “The Door”, which I thought was going to involve the moon door because Littlefinger is back and we haven’t seen it for a while. Boy, was I ever wrong. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start at the Wall, where Sansa gets a letter from Littlefinger, so she heads to Mole’s Town with Brienne to basically give him shit about giving her to Ramsay. She hit Littlefinger with all of the ether, asking if he knew what Ramsay was about (he did) and what he did to her (rape was really the best-case scenario for her, as fucked as that is). Littlefinger was like, yo, I got an army and we’ll protect you and Sansa wasn’t tryna hear it at all. She wants to get Brienne to kill him, but not really, even though he probably deserves it. But Littlefinger does tell her that her great-uncle Brynden Tully, uncle of her mother Catelyn, has taken Riverrun and she should holla at him to to help her. We haven’t seen Brynden since Season 3, and he went to pee outside, which is how he missed out on getting slaughtered at the Red Wedding. Anyway, Sansa says she has her brother’s wildlings and Littlefinger was like, half-brother….which is true, but ballsy when you’re walking past Brienne, who wouldn’t need a sword to fuck my man up.

Then Sansa meets up with Jon, Davos, Melisandre and the crew to figure out what the plan is for this war. They name a buncha smaller houses that they could enlist, then Sansa tells Jon about their great-uncle’s army, but she lies about where she got the information. Brienne calls her out on it later, and Sansa is like, fuck that, you go south and talk to Brynden about it. Also, Brienne was like, I dunno about that Tormund fella. Little does she know….he’s about to get all in that ass. I don’t know why I’m so excited to see this. But one thing that stood out to me: Brienne doesn’t trust Melisandre for obvious reasons and she tells Sansa about the Vagina Shadow Monster that killed Renly. If I’m Sansa, I’m like, sooooooooo can we use this magic or what? The hell with these past beefs, there is no time for that anymore. Deal with that later after we take down this dude that rapes and flays mufuckas. Get Melisandre to put that VSM to work.

-Dany is chillin’, lookin’ quite good for someone that just killed a slew a mufuckas and walked out of some fire. She tells Jorah that she banished him twice and he keeps coming back, and he saved her life, which I’m not sure how much he actually did, but whatever, it’s fine. Then Lord Friend Zone finally tells Dany how he feels, and Daario is chillin’ in the back like, is this old dude really taking my place right now? Jorah shows her the greyscale and Dany orders him to go and find a cure, and come back to her because she can’t rule Westeros without him. Dany and Daario take the Dothraki, I don’t know, I guess back to Meereen, while Jorah goes his own way. Goddamn, Daario didn’t even do anything and just took a big-ass L. He’s lucky with all the shit he talked, Jorah ain’t put the greyscale in his mouth.

-Move to Braavos, where Arya is still gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who keeps calling her Lady Stark and basically tells her she ain’t about this life. Then ol’ vague-ass Jaqen comes him to tell her about an actress that he wants to give a gift to, from the Many-Faced God, and it’s a vial of poison. I’m getting real sick of this vague-ass mufucka. So she goes to see this play, which is a comic reenactment of the War of the Five Kings, so we see Robert’s death and we also see them make Ned look like a fool, and I thought Arya was gon’ bust someone’s ass right there. But she stays focused on her target, the woman playing Cersei, and she sneaks to the back. We also see a close-up of a warty penis. Well, I assume it was warty. I didn’t look close enough. Was it relevant? Fuck no. But how much irrelevant nudity have we seen in this show? A fuck ton. Gotta take the bad with the good, bruh. And they showed some tittays like, immediately afterwards. We’ll all be fine. Anyway, Arya says she’s gon’ poison ol’ girl and it’ll be blamed on her understudy, and then Jaqen goes on about something about a servant. I don’t know, I went to the bathroom. I fuckin’ hate this dude.

-Tyrion and Varys are in Meereen, concocting a plan to keep Dany’s name in good stead with everyone. But they realize that they need a local face for their plan, so they holla at Kinvara, who rolls with the Lord of Light, so she’s one of Melisandre’s homegirls. Varys is skeptical about Kinvara because of how wrong Melisandre was about Stannis, who was supposed to be the Prince That Was Promised, but Kinvara thinks it is Dany. But Kinvara then goes in on Varys of how he got to be a eunuch and she gets why he is mad because he got jacked by a second-rate sorceror. Even Tyrion was like, ooooooooh bitch, she went there? And we know Varys for always being so calm and cool, but we’ve NEVER seen him this shook before. She seems to be on board, but now Tyrion doesn’t know what to do and Varys, he’s a mess.

Shoutout to the actor that plays Varys, Conleth Hill. There are a lot of great actors on Game Of Thrones, and in bigger roles. But Hill has never looked out of place, especially these last couple seasons with Peter Dinklage. Dude is a beast.

-Now we’re at the Iron Islands, where Yara lays claim to the Salt Throne and Theon backs her up. But they’re interrupted by Euron Greyjoy, fresh off killing his brother and their father, Balon, and he admits that he did it. But Euron actually has a plan when he becomes king: he wants to marry Dany, which pairs him with her army and dragons, then they can wreck shop. While he kinda came outta nowhere and is kind of a dick…..that’s actually not a bad plan if he can execute it. So he gets the crown because the Ironborn aren’t progressive and not about having a woman lead them, even though Yara has proven herself. Euron has to do some bullshit where he is baptized, and then almost dies before they pull him to land and he finally coughs up a buncha water. There has to be a better way to crown a king, right? I wonder how many mufuckas died during that shit.

Anyway, Yara and Theon sneak off and steal the best boatsto go, I don’t know, not there, and Euron orders a thousand ships to be built so he can go after them. I don’t know how long it takes to build a thousand ships, but it seems like Yara and Theon will be long gone by the time they’re done. This storyline is finally starting to pique my interest.

-Alright, so we’re beyond the Wall with Bran and ’em now, and he’s going in and out of his visions, and he sees one of the Children, Leaf, the main one, pushing a dragonglass dagger through a dude’s chest….this dude’s eyes turn White Walker blue. Bran is pissed that the Children actually made the White Walkers, but Leaf says they had to defend themselves from the First Men, the first people to live in Westeros. Then he does his warg thing again and ends up going back to a tree from the first vision, but now it’s winter…..and he’s right up against the army of the dead, which he walks through like mufuckas in The Walking Dead that smear the zombie guts on themselves. He ends up face-to-face with four White Walkers, including the Night’s King, who actually sees Bran and then touches his arm. He wakes up and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, the fuck did I tell you? Well now, he touched you, and they’re coming and you gotta get the fuck outta here, b. In no time, the army of the dead ends up outside of their cave and the Night’s King leads the crew through fire and shit, into the cave, while Meera tries to wake up Bran, who is having another vision, and so is the Three-Eyed Raven, who tells Bran that he has to die and Bran will take his place. Bran asks if he’s ready for that and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, NOAP, but you don’t have a choice in the matter since you wanted to go wargin’ into mufuckas when I told you not to, ol’ can’t-walk ass. So Meera and the Children are doing their best to fight off the White Walkers and they’re holding their own, but Meera is yelling at Bran to wake up. Meanwhile, Bran is watching Ned say goodbye to his father, Rickard, before he goes to the Vale, and Rickard tells Ned to not fight, but if he has to fight, win. Bran eventually wakes up and wargs into present Hodor, as well as past Hodor, or Wylis as he was known. And while all this is happening, Meera kills a White Walker with a dagger…..a dragonglass dagger. So the shit is out there, it’s just a matter of getting enough to kill off, oh, I don’t know, roughly three million wights and White Walkers. No biggie.

Hodor picks up Bran and they start running for the door, but Bran’s direwolf Summer is killed tryna hold off the wights, and they fuck him up good. Leaf also dies as she waits for all of them to surround her, and uses a magic bomb (that’s the technical term, I promise….no, I don’t) to kill them all. The Night’s King gets to where the Three-Eyed Raven is, and kills him, and he dies in Bran’s vision also. Bran, Meera and Hodor get to the back door and trap the wights and White Walkers in the cave, and Meera yells at Hodor to “hold the door” so she and Bran can get away. Flashback to the past, where Wylis has a seizure and falls to the ground, repeating the phrase, “hold the door” until it morphs into “Hodor”. Skip back to Hodor getting his body torn apart by the wights as he is holding the door. Like, his face and chest and shit.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH..

There are a lot of times in this show that I’ve heard people say, I’m out, I’m not doing this anymore. It took me six seasons to get there. I’m obviously not going to stop watching, but my heart fucking broke to watch how Hodor got his name, the seizure, and the fact that he was put here for that reason: to help Bran. I haven’t felt this way about Game Of Thrones since the Red Wedding. I might have smoked back-to-back cigarettes after that scene. And now mufuckas are gon’ have to deal with White Walker Hodor, who is surely gon’ be a BEAST. How the hell do you stop that?

And how far does Meera think she can get with Bran? They’re obviously not dying, well, he’s not, but she’s not that strong and those wights seem to be fuckin’ fast. And it’s snowing and cold out. And Bran can’t fuckin’ walk. It’ll be interesting to see how that turns out.

That was emotionally draining. I try not to get too emotionally involved in shows, but goddammit, this one got me. Hodor was just tryna help. But it’s all part of the prophecy and now Bran gotta win, because if Hodor died for nothing, I’ll be livid. Overall, the episode was alright, essential to the plot and whatnot. But the Bran stuff pushed it over the top and as I said last week (I think), a not-great episode of Game Of Thrones is still better than 96% of anything on TV right now. So we’ll probably go back to Cersei, Jaime and Lady O going after the Sparrows next week, we might go to Dorne (but I don’t care if we do or not), and Ramsay will probably be somewhere killin’ people. But we’re on the downhill side of the Game Of Thrones mountain now for Season 6, so prepare to get your heart shat on a few more times.

Game Of Thrones S06E04 – Book Of The Stranger

I bet y’all were pretty excited for this episode of Game Of Thrones. I was initially as well. And as always, it was a great episode. But some of your favorites, one in particular, I’m not really impressed with what they pulled off in “Book Of The Stranger”. Let’s go.

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-Let’s start at the Vale, where we get the return of Littlefinger, and he is greeted by Robin Arryn, who would still be breastfeeding as a teenager if Littlefinger ain’t push his mother out the moon door. Littlefinger accuses Lord Yohn Royce (thank you, GOT Wikia, because I ain’t know this dude’s name at all) of snitching on Sansa’s location to the Boltons, and after giving Robin a pet falcon for his birthday (good luck tryna tame that, homie), he puts Royce’s life on the line. Robin suggests the moon door for Royce, and Littlefinger knows that he can suggest anything and Robin will listen, so instead, he gets Royce to pledge his loyalty to House Arryn in exchange for not dying. Then Littlefinger suggests to Robin that they rally the troops and head to the Wall, where Sansa has probably hollered at Jon, and Robin’s dumb ass is like, sure, bruh. Littlefinger is so underrated. How many major plots has he been behind without anyone knowing? He might be the most ambitious character in Game Of Thrones….and now he has an army. Shoutout to him knowing where Sansa would go, too.

-Up at the Wall, Edd is tryna persuade Jon to stay on as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, but Jon is like, nah, it said that if I gave my life, my watch has ended…..mufuckas ain’t say shit about coming back to life, and loopholes are a bitch, ain’t they? But just then, the gates open for Sansa, Brienne and Pod, and when Sansa and Jon see each other, it’s pretty dope since they’ve both been through a lot. But, that being said, Sansa admits she was awful to Jon when they were children because he was a bastard. That’s why he is hesitant when Sansa unfurls her plan to take back Winterfell from the Boltons, using the wildlings. Jon is like, well, one, I’ve killed a buncha people and I’m tired, and two, you were really an asshole to me growing up. He didn’t even like Winterfell; he volunteered to go to the Night’s Watch if I remember correctly. So why in the hell should he help Sansa? Because he’s Jon Snow and honorable and all that bullshit. And you know that he will, so don’t be pressed. And it happens later as Ramsay sends a letter to the Wall, telling Jon that he has Rickon in a dungeon and if Sansa isn’t returned to him, he’s killing the wildlings, let his boys run trains on Sansa, and feeding Rickon to the dogs. I wonder if Ramsay has a ghostwriter, because those bars he dropped were fearsome, yet elegant, and he kept hittin’ Jon with that “bastard” like he was Cam’ron, ending each bar with the same word (just trust me on this one, shoutout to Dip Set). So obviously, Sansa convinces Jon to roll out with the wildlings and ask some people around the North as there are about 2,000 of them, and about 5,000 of Ramsay. So your favorite, Jon Snow, will be the one to take down Ramsay. Which is fine. He obviously isn’t going to die again. Special honorable mention in this scene is Tormund, eatin’ chicken and lookin’ at Brienne with fuck-me eyes and Brienne is so uncomfortable that she might fight him….then they’ll end up having all of the sex. And we’ll see it, too. I’ll watch it, too. That shit will be good and gross.

Then there is Davos talking to Melisandre, who says that she’ll listen to only Jon, and she won’t tell him what happened to Shireen because, yeah Davos, Stannis sacrificed ya little buddy. But Brienne rolls up on them to say that she remembers Renly being killed by Melisandre’s vagina shadow monster (you come up with a better name for it), that she doesn’t forgive or forget, and she killed Stannis after he admitted to killing Renly with blood magic. Melisandre better at least let Brienne get some before she brings out the VSM again.

-Quickly, in the Iron Islands, Theon finds his way back to Yara, who is grieving their father, and she goes on him about how she brought men to get him away from Ramsay and they died. Theon says that he was broken into a thousand pieces, and he’s right, and she thinks that he wants to come back and claim the throne. Theon might want it eventually, but not right now, and that he’s willing to help her take the throne. Meh. They’ll probably end up helping Jon against Ramsay. They better or they don’t really serve much of a purpose.

-Speaking of our lovable Ramsay, he calls for Osha, ol’ girl that was riding with Rickon. He’s peeling an apple, and you should just assume that something is happening in his scene. She talks shit about the Starks, and tries to seduce Ramsay by straddling him and putting her hand down his pants, and Ramsay plays along, but he tells her that she pulled this shit with Theon to get Bran and Rickon out of Winterfell. She tries to stab him with a knife and he gets her first, stabbing her in the neck. Point of this scene? If you ain’t know by now, Ramsay Bolton ain’t playin’. Also, if you didn’t know that by now, you should just stop watching Game Of Thrones.

-Let’s hit King’s Landing. That big-ass nun opens Margaery’s cell and takes her to the High Sparrow, and Margaery wants to see Tommen and her family, but he’s like, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. He tells her some story about when he used to party and sin, and I bet he was buck wild when he partied, doing lines off strippers and shit. He came to some awakening while this was happening and found the Faith of the Seven, and I blanked out when he was speaking, once again. But he is impressed that she knows the Book of the Stranger, which sounds like a sex move, and takes her to see her brother Loras, who is just a damn mess. Margaery tries to tell him to be strong and he’s like, nah, bruh, we gotta make this stop. That’s all he kept saying. What in the hell are they doing to him?

Then we head over to the Red Keep, where Cersei finds Pycelle with Tommen, and he wants Tommen to give in to the High Sparrow. Cersei ain’t about that at all and gets Pycelle outta here, and he slowly shuffles outta the room, staring at Cersei the whole way. That shuffle was good, bruh. That’s how I figure I’ll be moving when I get that age. Anyway, Tommen says he talked to the High Sparrow and Cersei was like, dammit, they got to him, and she’s like, nah, you’re the King, they humiliated your mother and your wife is next. We gotta go at his head. Then Cersei, with Jaime, heads over to the Small Council, where Uncle Kevan and Lady O are chillin’, and it’s all fun and games partyin’ on Cersei until she tells them that Margaery is next for the walk of atonement, and yo…..if you have it recorded, or you can find it, just pause it when the camera switches to Lady O. I swear to God, she wanted to take her earrings off and be like, not my damn grandbaby, OH HELL NO. So they convince her to get her big-ass army, come in and roll over the Sparrows while the Baratheon/Lannister armies sit back and chill. Cersei also reminds Uncle Kevan that the Sparrows took Lancel, his son, Cersei’s cousin and our introduction to the Sparrows. So now, Cersei has the Tyrell army and FrankenMountain. GODDAMN, A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

-Meereen is next, and Tyrion is backed up by Grey Worm and Missandei, meeting with the Masters of Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to fight, but yo, we saw y’all against the Sons of the Harpys last season; for being such great fighters, y’all let a buncha cilivians punk you, bruh. But Tyrion suggests that, maybe, they ease the abolishing of slavery, giving the Masters seven years to get out of the game. Missandei and Grey Worm aren’t really happy about this, they do put on a united front with Tyrion, who also gives women to the Masters to persuade them. I’m not really sure what Tyrion’s plan is here, and it seems like a really bad move. But again, dragons listen to him, so if push comes to shove, he has that. They all just need to get outta there, I’m getting pretty tired of Meereen.

-Finally, we’re in Vaes Dothrak, where Jorah and Daario figure out where Dany is. Daario is tryna make jokes about how Dany picked him, and Jorah is like, man, we ain’t got time for that petty shit right now. I think the old Daario could pull off not being a dickbutt…..this dude, I’m just waiting for him to die. Jorah convinces him to leave his weapons outside because you can’t carry weapons in the city, but just then, Daario sees the Greyscale infection on Jorah’s arm. Jorah says he’s fine and it hasn’t touched Daario, but I bet Daario will stop being petty now. So they sneak into the city at night and two Dothraki see them. Jorah tries to lie and say they’re merchants, but they just end up killing them because Jorah is a terrible liar. They even smash one dude’s head with a rock to make it seem like they didn’t bring it weapons, but I don’t think that really makes a difference. Cover your bases, tho, I guess.

Dany is chillin’ with the rest of the Khal widows, and the High Priestess is tryna talk to Dany, who doesn’t really care and excuses herself to go pee. She gets an escort, a lhazareen (not super important) whose khal died when she was 16. But they’re met by Jorah and Daario, who put a knife to her throat, but Dany is like, nah, calm down, she’s with me, she’s good. They want her to leave, but Dany knows that they probably won’t make it out alive, so she has a plan. Then there is the khalar vezhven, which is basically where all the khals meet to talk about stuff, and they’re tryna figure out what to do with her. A couple of them want to use her as a rape toy because that’s kinda what they do. Some want to make her their khaleesi, and some want to ransom her to the Wise Masters, who have a price on her head. Then Dany pipes up with, what about what I want, and they all look at her like she put an algebraic formula up on a blackboard, like, what do you mean? The Dothraki aren’t really here for the feelings of women; they lock them up in a temple when their khal dies, for fuck sakes. So Dany tells them that she doesn’t think any of them are fit to lead the Dothraki, but she is. They all laugh and the one that found her, Moro, says that she will indeed become a rape toy for not only the khals, but their bloodriders and then, their horses. Dany looks at him like, “O RLY”, and puts her hand in the middle, like, a torch or something (it’s called a brazier, it holds hot coals). She proceeds to burn the entire place down, and the place goes up fast as shit. Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips had the tweet of the night: “What the fuck? Is this place made of gasoline?” (y’all should check out the TBGWT podcast recaps for Game Of Thrones. They come out every Wednesday and they’re the best). She looks Moro dead in his eyes before throwing the last brazier on him, and everyone starts running towards the temple outside. Then, out comes naked Dany (no, I don’t know if it was a body double and I honestly don’t care. It’s the internet. I can see titties any time I want. Stop being pressed), walking out of the temple, and everyone starts bowing. Jorah and Daario are the last ones to bow, and Daario is confused because Jorah was there when she walked out of the pyre in, what, Season 1? He’s never seen anything like this and Dany looks at him like, mufucka, you BETTER get on your knees.

So, here is my thing with this: I’ve been riding with the Stormborn Gang for a long time now, basically since she walked out that pyre. I fucks with Dany, that’s my dogg. And cool, now she has another army. But what is this, army #3? She has had the Dothraki before through Drogo, then she bought the Unsullied, then she has the slaves willing to ride for her (although they’re not really fuckin’ with her right now). It seems like I’m forgetting one, as well. Point is, Dany has had backing before, but she has to make a decision: does she want to be a slave liberator, or does she want her throne back? Being a slave freer is fine and noble and all…..but this is a television show and I don’t care about them. Use all these people, go get your dragons, and stop playing Harriet Tubman. I’m happy she did this and all, but we’ve seen it before. Fucking DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

So next week, we need to get back to Bran, so he can finally confirm who is in the tower and storylines can start coming together. We’ll get back to Arya, I would assume, and probably Jon going around with his hand out, tryna build an army to go after Ramsay, which is also where Littlefinger comes in. I’m also ready to see Lady O get the Sparrows outta here, because I’m about done with them; they’re the only time I kinda zone out and not pay attention. Oh, and Dany and ’em should start making their way back to Meereen, and Tyrion’s deal will get thrown in the bushes, because the Dothraki will just kill everyone who opposes her. That was a nice GOT debut from Daniel Sackheim, who directed the last two episodes. Next up is Mark Mylod, who did “High Sparrow” and “Sons of the Harpy” from last season. He’ll take over the next two episodes. Almost at the halfway point; everyone is on the chess board now.