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American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 10

The sixth season of American Horror Story came to an end last night with arguably the best finale of the bunch. Was it enough to launch it to the top of the AHS pantheon? Let’s go….

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-Let’s start with the Crack’d series that was a look back at the whole story, starting with the My Roanoke Nightmare cast at Paleyfest, signing autographs, answering questions, all that, taking place before everyone went back to the house. A girl even flew over to the States from England to go to this place, which shows how big My Roanoke Nightmare really was, and this whole season has been about our fascination with reality television. Hell, we put….actually, I’m not gon’ get into politics right now, just know that this fascination is fucked. It was good to see everyone in the cast one final time before everyone had their shit rocked.

-Then it moved on to Lee’s murder trial, and she still manages to get off despite the tapes, people seeing the tapes, and Flora being put on the stand because the jury boiled all this down to “ghost stories”. A statement on how fucked the justice system is? Probably. But you gotta remember that Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk were also behind American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson, which got all the acclaim and I still need to see it. But, it makes sense it would look back at the trial and how the hell Lee got off, but she didn’t really, because she lost Flora, who admitted that she saw Lee kill her ex-husband. But it was Lee that told her lawyer to bring up the ghost stories, because Lee ain’t shit. But she got off, so I guess that’s a win.

-Next, it’s a look at The Lana Winters Show, bringing back one of the main characters from Season 2’s Asylum. It also gives me a chance to heap more praise on Sarah Paulson, because the Fake Shelby character was hot garbage. She brings Lee on the show to tell her side, and Lee fires back that Lana killed her son, Bloody Face, or Bloody Face 2, I don’t know, it was a long time ago and I actually hate Asylum, but that’s for another day. But they’re interrupted by gunfire as Lot Polk, who made a YouTube video earlier in the episode threatening Lee. He’s mad because she killed his mother and brother, I believe, and he appears at the show with a machine gun. Lana tries to reason with him, saying the world needs to hear his story, and gets greeted with a gunbutt to the face for her troubles because as Lot says, she talks too much. He is about to kill Lee, but he is shot by the cops. Lee runs out because before this, Lana confronted her with the news that Flora had disappeared. So Lee runs out, and I’m wondering where the hell the cops were through all this. But the cops ain’t been shit this season on AHS at all, so it’s not surprising.

-Moving on to the next show, Spirit Chasers, which is basically three people chasing ghosts. So of course, they go to the Roanoke house, during the blood, and they’re trespassing because they’re badass. It’ll be so good when they die at the hands of the Butcher, her people and YOOOOOO……DID THE MOON SHOOT ARROWS AT PEOPLE? HAHAHAHAHA WHAT WAS THAT? They also got Ashley/Cricket, the spirit guy from earlier in the season, and they all go through the house, where they run into Lee, who still isn’t being followed by the cops. Lee kinda goes into a trance, but she doesn’t even kill anyone, instead she warns them to get out. But them, being badass frat boys, they think they is cool, until Ashley/Cricket gets cut in the chest by Piggy Man. That’s what it took for them to realize that shit ain’t a game, and one by one, they all die. Good for them. Those shows are such hot garbage.

-Lee eventually finds Flora, who has been runnin’ around with her little ghost friend, Priscilla, for two weeks in the woods. Lee wants Flora to come with her and she’s like, NOAP, I’ma stay here and protect Priscilla from the Butcher, because that’s a great plan. However, Lee comes up with a solution, she’ll kill herself and stay with Priscilla to protect her because her relationship with Flora is essentially done, so she might as well try to salvage something. Flora asks Priscilla if it’s okay and she agrees because why the hell not. By this time, the cops and the news have arrived and it’s a big to-do, because nothing happens in the world without TV cameras now (MESSAGE). There is an explosion and Flora walks out the house like nothing happened, and Lee lets Priscilla shoot her in the chest. Flora waves to them as she is driven away, and that’s the end of that.

HAHAHAHAHA DAMMIT I WAS RIGHT, Y’ALL. I said Flora would be the last person standing and while I totally wavered a bit, I was right because if you make enough guesses, you gotta be right at some point. But from start to finish, this might be my favorite season of AHS, definitely the best sine Season 1’s Murder House. Coven was always up there until that fuckery of a finale, and every other series had its moments. But this was consistent, full of garbage and trash, it was campy, it was kinda sweet…..it was pretty good. MVP of the season was…..hmmmm, I dunno, probably Lily Rabe as Real Shelby. She was deadass messed up from killing Real Matt, and that scene was excellent. Second was probably Kathy Bates, shitty accent and all, and I’m on board now….she gotta have an accent every season. A shitty one, too.

I think there is a trailer out for Season 7, or a picture or something, but I’m not dealing with that yet, there is all kinds of time to go over that. But you can tell that the next few seasons of AHS will be even more intertwined going forward, so I might need to do some rewatches of past seasons, particularly Asylum, which I’ve been saying months and probably still won’t do. But that was a fun season of American Horror Story, and I’ll leave you with the AHS Pantheon Power Rankings.

  1. Murder House
  2. My Roanoke Nightmare
  3. Coven
  4. Freak Show
  5. Hotel
  6. Asylum

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 9

What’s up, y’all. It has been a helluva week, and the only way I know how to get shit out is by writing about it. I’m not gon’ talk about the fuckery of Tuesday, and sorry about missing last week’s recap, but you know, new job steez (YAY). So, here we are, Chapter 9, the penultimate episode of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare. A whole buncha people died last week: Fake Shelby, Fake Matt, and a couple of the real Polks, and Real Lee threw out the “I wanna touch it” line, which might be the best of the season. Let’s go….

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-We have the return of Taissa Farmiga, who hasn’t been on AHS since Coven, and she is Sophie, who rolls in with Todd and Milo. While this season has been basically a play on the original Blair Witch Project, these three are essentially the characters from that movie. They’re fanatics of the original My Roanoke Nightmare, and they come to the woods, tryna get pictures and videos that will get them likes and whatnot on Instagram and Facebook, because this is the era we’re in now. They find the tree where Flora’s coat was hung from, and then a bloodied woman stumbles outta the woods, mumbling about her car. They find the car, which is upside down and inside…..is the woman’s body. Then she vanishes, and they go to the cops, who don’t believe their story because there is nothing on the tapes that they found, no dead body in the car, nothing. That probably should have been a hint and a half for their asses that they should just walk away and be done with it, but they got those likes, and another 20,000 followers, so you know they’re going back into the woods. All in the name of going “viral”, which is a massive statement on how the world works now. Hell, I can’t even fault them, I wouldn’t mind these recaps going viral. I’m just not willing to risk my life to do it.

-Back at the house, Fake Shelby and Real Lee are joined by Dylan, who played Fake Ambrose, also known as the helper, then killer of, Fake Thomasin, or Kathy Bates. Good Lord, this is all very confusing. He showed up at the end of Chapter 8 wearing the pig’s head, and almost got killed for it. Fake Shelby and Real Lee try to explain to him what happened with all the dead bodies and he’s like, nah….until he sees the carnage. He was told by Sidney to actually show up with the pig’s head, so he thought this was all still a game, until it wasn’t. Also, he took an Uber to the house, and that’s the second or third reference to Uber; I wonder if they paid for all this. So, the plan is now to get Fake Lee from the Polks, where she still is, and Dylan wants to go alone, but decides to take the women with him since they know where they’re going. Fake Shelby says to Real Lee, who wants to get the tapes of the Polks’ murders, that she’ll leave Real Lee there in a heartbeat as they’re gon’ steal the Polks’ truck. I guess they just assumed that someone knew how to hotwire a truck, or maybe the keys were in it….details are shaky, at best, but they’re rollin’ with what they got.

-They get to the Polks, and the women look for Fake Lee, while Dylan works on the truck. Fake Shelby finds Fake Lee and try to escape, but they’re stopped by a Polk, this one’s name is Lot, and he wants revenge for what they did to his mother (killed her), but Fake Shelby has a gun and shoots him. Meanwhile, Dylan is stabbed a buncha times by Ishmael Polk, who then chases Real Lee (who doesn’t have the tapes) into the woods. The women try to intervene, but everything stops because Real Thomasin and her crew rolls up with their torches, and everyone scatters. Real Thomasin, even moreso than Fake Thomasin, is not here for playing games, and we all know that Fake Thomasin was ’bout that life.

-The women get back to the house, and I missed something because they have the tape that Real Lee made, in which she says that she killed her ex-husband. Meanwhile, Real Lee is found in the woods by Scathach (the witch), who possesses her because remember, it is the last night of the blood moon and shit is about to get really real, word to Method Man’s “Bring The Pain”. Oh, and never forget Real Lee eating a boar’s heart. I think it was the heart. It was definitely an internal organ.

-Mean-mean-meanwhile, the Blair Witch Biters head back to the woods and of course, Sophie is the ringleader because GOTTA GET THESE LIKES UP, FAM, which is basically what the girl was tryna do in the Blair Witch joint. Anyway, they find where Mason was killed, and they find Real Lee close, but she kills Todd because she’s possessed. Sophie and Milo run away, into a web of the wooden figurines, and they stumble upon the production trailer, where they find a wounded Real Ambrose, who I can’t even place because this season has been so very confusing. They run inside the trailer and see all the monitors of what is going on, and they see Fake Shelby and Fake Lee, and they have no idea what is real, and what is not. Man, I don’t even care at this point, I’m out. Or do you just stay in there until daylight? Does even matter anymore? I think I’d run for it, personally. I wouldn’t gone back in the first damn place, though, so there is that.

-They see Real Lee heading for the house, and they call the cops, who have been on some bullshit all season and are obviously on the Polks’ payroll. Real Lee goes into the house to meet Fake Lee and Fake Shelby, who confront her about the Mason murder, but they realize quickly that she’s not right. It was probably right around the time that she started talking about cleansing the property of vile shit, and they definitely figured it out when Real Lee pushed Fake Lee through a bannister, impaling her on a piece of wood. Fake Shelby tries to get away, but Real Lee catches her going into a cellar, stabs her and pushes her down said cellar. Real Lee is moving awfully swift for someone missing big pieces of her thigh (shoutout to Dylan tryna say that Fake Lee’s missing ear was makeup and she was like, BITCH WHAT), but being possessed will do that to you. And hey, maybe Fake Shelby deserved it. She fell like, 18 times runnin’ away from Real Lee. I’m not sure if she was wearing heels or not, but good grief, stay on your feet, ma’am. She fell down some steps, on a piece of hair on the floor, a blade of grass. It was pret-tay, pret-tay good.

-Sophie and Milo go to the house and they think they’re gon’ stop Real Lee from doing any more harm, but they find Thomasin and her people disemboweling Dylan, pulling them shits out like a loose piece of string. They go to run, but Real Lee catches them, and they’re put on stakes to be burned alive. However, this was all filmed and uploaded to a Cloud account in Todd’s name, which finally gets the cops to go out and see what’s up.

-We see the end of the episode from the cops’ bodycams, where they go in the house and find a whole buncha dead bodies. They find Real Lee, who is outta control and doesn’t remember all of the killing and murdering. They go to put her in a car, but they also find Fake Shelby, who managed to get out of the cellar and when she sees Real Lee, she freaks out and grabs the cop’s gun, tryna shoot her, but the cops all kill her instead. Or it might have been her gun that she had. There was a gun, that’s all I got for ya. But if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time Sarah Paulson has died on AHS. I’m okay with it…..Fake Shelby was damn annoying.  She “died” at the end of Hotel, but did she come back? I didn’t finish it.

Well, the body count over the last two episodes must be the highest it has ever been in the history of AHS, so who do we got left? We got Real Lee out of the cast of characters, real and fake, of My Roanoke Nightmare. Thomasin and her people are still around, as is Scathach, maybe Real Ambrose, he’s still around (I think he’s still around?), but I’m focusing on the cast, so we got Real Lee. Next week, I assume that we’ll see the aftermath, and whatever is on the tapes, but as we learned earlier, there might not even be anything of use on the tapes. My Flora guess is still in play as well, although I’m not as confident as I once was. Might just be Real Lee, who will somehow avoid jail. There are a couple of hints as to what will happen next week, but I’ll keep that to myself and besides, y’all will probably run across it before next week’s finale, which will hopefully be longer than an hour. See ya next week, and keep y’all head up.

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 1

Yoooooooooooo……welcome back, folks. It has been a while since the last recap, which I completely skipped for Hotel because let’s all be honest: that shit petered off near the end. I still haven’t watched the finale, but I read about it and it didn’t sound great. Anyway, we’re on to Season 6 of American Horror Story, which they’ve kept under wraps. All the teasers they’ve thrown out there, apparently some were real, and some were decoys because why the hell not? But we got the premiere last night, and the season will involve the lost colony of Roanoke, in North Carolina. The Googles were on FIRE with people tryna figure out what the hell it was after the episode. Let’s gooooooooooooooo…

-Had to do shit different for this recap because my PVR didn’t record the episode, so I couldn’t watch it again, so I’m going off the EW recap and a little bit of Wikipedia)

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-So, here, I’ma jack something from the EW recap that absolutely blew my mind. Here goes:

It’s difficult to banish a spirit, but not impossible. The most successful attempt that I know of happened when America was known as the New World In 1590, on the coast of what we now know as North Carolina, the entire colony of Roanoke — all 117 men, women, and children — died inexplicably. It became known as the Ghost Colony because the spirits remained. They haunted the native tribes living in the surrounding area, killing indiscriminately. The elder knew he had to act. He cast a banishment curse. First, he collected the personal belongings of all the dead colonists. Then he burned them. The ghosts appeared, summoned by their talismans. But before the spirits could cause them any more harm, the elder completed the curse that would banish the ghosts forever. By uttering a single world the same word found carved on a post at the abandoned colony: Croatoan.”

This, my friends, was from Season 1, which was Murder House, and it was spoken by Billie Dean Howard, a medium played by Sarah Paulson, who also came back at the end of Hotel. So they teased this shit all the way back in Season 1…..well done, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, well done.

-This story starts as a true-crime documentary of sorts, called “My Roanoke Nightmare”, with a couple named Shelby and Matt telling their story of a move from Los Angeles to Roanoke, which was caused by Matt being attacked via a game of knockout, where a dude ran up on him and hit him with that one-hitter quitter as part of a gang initiation. It put Matt in the hospital and he was unconscious until Shelby held his hand, and that brought him around, but she ended up losing their unborn child. The story goes between the actual couple, played by my homegirl, Lily Rabe and Andre Holland, who is new to the AHS universe, but apparently he is in The Knick as well (I got through, literally, five minutes of The Knick and was like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP. If you’ve watched it, you know what scene I’m talkin’ about). For the reenactment part of the story, those characters are played by Paulson and Cuba Gooding Jr., who is also new to AHS, but he and Paulson were both in American Crime Story, which was about the OJ Simpson trial…..Murphy and Falchuk are also involved in that, so FX is keeping it all in the family, which will likely be some sort of theme in this series as well.

-Anyway, they move to North Carolina and aim to buy this house in the country, but they’re up against three of the most hillbilliest-ass dudes you’ve ever seen. They compete in this auction, in which the bid goes from $27,000 to $40,000 and the hillbillies bow up, but you gotta know that these dudes aren’t taking this shit lightly. Throw in the fact that Shelby and Matt are an interracial couple and yeah…..you should know how this is about to go. And yo……where were these hillbillies getting $25,000 to start with? I doubt they have jobs. I’m surprised they have teeth. We know one of ’em does. Mufucka’s teeth juttin’ out the side of his mouth.

-So then, we have various things going on as the couple is renovating their house. There are screams from what sound like a pig, and Matt gets a trash can thrown at him when he goes out to investigate. Then he goes somewhere and a mysterious storm starts, and while it looks like hail, Shelby tries to tell him that they were teeth and he’s like, ehhhh, you might be crazy. Around this time, Shelby reveals that she doesn’t want to stay there, but she doesn’t want to tell Matt and I’m all, yo, fuck his feelings. If the raining teeth weren’t enough…..who can sleep while it sounds like pigs are getting violated? Then, Matt goes away on a business trip, and Miss Yoga Teacher is all like, I’ll be fine….until she sees two random women in one of the many hallways that it seems this house has, but of course, she can’t find them. So, she tries to shake it off, and goes outside to their hot tub, and I could have sworn it was just storming outside, but hey, it’s whatever. Shelby looks all calm and cozy in the hot tub, when a hand covers her face and pushes her underwater. She gets free and calls the cops, who don’t believe her and they tell Matt that they can’t find anything in terms of hand or footprints, which makes her look even more crazy.

-You’d think that everything would come to a halt when Matt finds a dead pig at their door. But nah, he doesn’t tell Shelby about it, he just buries it away. What he does decide to do, is put up his own security system so he can watch the house while he is gone (STOP GOING AWAY), and he brings in his sister to watch over Shelby, even though the two don’t get along. His sister’s name is Lee, and in “real life”, or the Lily Rabe/Andre Holland timeline, she is played by Adina Porter, who was in True Blood (you were right, Mel), The 100 and The Newsroom. In “reenactment life”, or the Sarah Paulson/Cuba Gooding timeline, Lee is played  by Angela Bassett, and her story is that she was a cop who was shot, and she turned to booze and pills, which were found by another cop. She was fired from the squad, so she has some free time, but she thinks Shelby is a fake yoga-doing, rosee-drinking phony who doesn’t deserve her brother. She thinks Shelby is making this shit up until she sleeps there for a night, and hears the pig screaming. But Ms. Bassett is back, and the world is all good again.

-Shelby finds a knife moved in the kitchen, which freaks her out, while the sober Lee is in her room, and a bottle of wine is rolled in, which she blames on Shelby. However, they realize that they’re not alone in the house, which Matt can see on his security video. He tries to call the women and tell them that they’re being surrounded by people with torches and pitchforks, which is what Shelby described to the police when she was attacked in the hot tub, but they don’t answer the phone. Instead, they investigate in the basement…..the dark-as-shit basement, I might add…..and the door is closed on them. There is a video playing, and while it is grainy, they can make it a man with a pig’s head on his head, and there is a fight of some sort. Then, they go back upstairs and there are a buncha straw dolls hung up, very similar to some shit you’d see in the Blair Witch Project. These hillbillies are on some arts-and-craft shit…..they were very well done and they did that shit quickly.

-Shelby is fed the fuck up and is like, yo, we gotta go, while Matt and Lee are like, this is our home, they can’t scare us, let the cops do their work…..so lemme get this straight: the white woman wants to leave the scary house and the black people wanna stay? AND we’re trusting the police to do their jobs now? THE FUCK KINDA BIZZARO WORLD IS THIS? AHS is aiming to turn your shit upside this season, bruh.

-Anyway, she peaces out, like, runs outta the house and drives away in the car because fuck y’all, y’all can have this. Shelby is driving down the road, and in her rush, she hits what turns out to be an old lady, flipping her over the hood and shit. She goes out to see how the lady is, but yo…..ol’ girl just gets up and walks away, while Shelby is yelling about having her to take her to a hospital or some shit. But if you get up and walk away, I’m thinking it’s all good and I can go about my business. NOAP. Shelby wanders into the woods and again, on some Blair Witch shit, she gets lost because this place is fucking crazy. She gets lost and ends up in a clearing, where there are more of the straw dolls hung up and that’s when Shelby is like, oh for fuck sakes, you GOTTA be kidding me. Then, to top it all off, she is surrounded by the torch-havin’ mufuckas, and we see a dude that has been scalped (seriously, in the credits, he is the “Scalped Man”). Also, go back to the old woman, she had a bloody knife in her hand, AND we see that it’s Kathy Bates. AND one of the torch people turns out to be Wes Bentley, or John, the detective from Hotel. Shoutout to screen grabs, because all this shit happens really fast, and I’m still stuck on how Shelby ran into the woods in the first damn place.

And that was the premiere, possibly the best of the bunch so far. My biggest question about this is, so…….are real-life Shelby and Matt, are they going to end up dead when it is all said and done? AHS isn’t cut-and-dry, and it doesn’t seem like them to let us think that they’re going to live through this story. Also, if the Roanoke theme is the thing, are the torch people the remaining descendants from there? Also, why would you buy a house like this for $40,000 and battling these Deliverance-ass dudes? This was all a bad idea from the jump, but hell, without bad ideas, American Horror Story would have ended after Murder House. Anyway, I’m in, and there are still a whole gang of people we gotta see: Gaga will be back for something, Evan Peters, Denis O’Hare…..welcome back to the AHS fuckery, y’all.