Tag Archives: AHS Coven

American Horror Story: Coven S03E13 – The Seven Wonders

So, I am going to try and remain unbiased for this recap of the American Horror Story: Coven finale, entitled “The Seven Wonders”, but I am not going to lie: it’s going to be tough. Actually, fuck it. I didn’t like it. There is no way I’m going to be able to hide it throughout the recap, so I just might as well throw that out there right now, because it goes along with my theory that Ryan Murphy, the creator of AHS as well as Nip/Tuck, doesn’t know how to end something. I don’t know if he is like this on Glee, either. Anyway, let’s go before I throw my laptop out of the window.

-Stevie Nicks wanders on screen and starts lip-syncing something about the seven wonders. Right then, I knew fuckery was on the horizon. I get the obsession with her in regards to Misty and her episode was good, but there was no need for this. Stevie warbling around the house was the backdrop for the girls as they practiced their powers ahead of the competition. They must have paid a LOT for Stevie and had to fit her in somewhere. Shit was like the “Name Game” fiasco from Asylum, which made me skip out on the final episodes until just prior to the premiere of Coven.

-The girls sit down to their last supper, which is, yes, exactly what it looks like, except they are eating champagne and cavier instead of whatever Jesus and his crew were eating (unless Jesus was ballin’ and ate that stuff too). Then, on to the competition. Literally, this was all that happened, outside of Delia reminding them all that Fiona was an awful Supreme and tried to kill her potential replacement (Madison).

-They all perform telekinesis by moving a candle, then they move on to mind control. This wasn’t so bad, actually. Misty makes Queenie slap herself, while Queenie retaliates by making Misty her own hair. But Madison vs. Zoe was the main event. Madison makes Kyle drop a tray of drinks and kisses him all in the mouth, then he licked her boot. Zoe puts a stop to that and starts to kiss him, but didn’t she see the boot licking? Madison makes Kyle start to choke Zoe and Delia flings him up against the wall. Poor Kyle. NO ONE has gotten it worse than him this season, although he did get to have a creepy threesome.

-Next, the girls descend into the afterlife, but they have to come back to prove their powers. Queenie’s hell is being stuck at the chicken place she worked at. Madison comes back after being on a network musical and AHS throws a shot at The Sound Of Music Live!, although I would bet my ass that he would KILL to do that show. Bruh……YOU CREATED GLEE! That shit better been an ironic twist you wanted to throw in there. Fuck outta here with that nonsense. Anyway, Zoe’s hell was constantly breaking up with Kyle, and Misty’s hell went back to high school, where she was forced to dissect a frog, but she kept bringing it back to life. That kept looping and looping, and she never came back. I almost turned it off after that because I love me some Misty, but alas, I soldiered on.

-The next competition is transmutation, which the girls turn into a game of tag and this might be the first time all season we have seen them NOT hate each other, especially Madison. Lowkey, the best part of this sequence is a still where Zoe and Queenie appeared in the dining room, but you see Kyle sitting on a couch in the forefront with the dumbest look on his face. That dude is a comedic BEAST without even trying. But it goes awry as Zoe ends up impaled on a fence, which sets up the next test as Queenie and Madison are asked to bring her back. Queenie fails, so she is out. Delia tells Madison to do it, to which Madison responds by killing a fly and bringing it back to life, but Delia is not having it. Myrtle tries to make Madison feel bad and says she doesn’t deserve it, but I don’t know what Myrtle has been watching, Madison doesn’t feel bad about anything and says, “what does deserve have to do with any of this?”. She has a point. Life isn’t really about what you deserve at all. I feel I deserve to have a three-way marriage with Alyssa Milano and Beyonce, but hey, that’s not happening, is it?

-While Myrtle and Delia ware talking about what to do next, Kyle is with Zoe’s dead body and the snot is flowing. It does the stretch-hang, which makes me think he could very well be the next Supreme. The elasticity on that joint was AMAZING. I don’t know how that didn’t end up on Zoe.

-Myrtle throws out to Delia, that SHE could be the next Supreme and she brings up an interesting point: how in the hell could no one think that Delia could be the next one? I was wondering if she was going to take part. Shit, her mother was the last one. Anyway, Delia runs through the competitions that the girl did, and I could hear the music from the “Rocky” montage behind that shit. When Delia takes those glasses off? OOOOOOOOOOOOOH BUDDY. Madison is gon’ get it now, boy. Hit her with that Dave Chappelle slo-mo smush. She starts fires, picks up pianos and makes Queenie start to exercise (shoutout to the homegirl Mya for “queenercising”). She goes to the afterlife and realizes her hell is trying to get Fiona’s approval, only to receive a bitchslap. The theme of mothers not being shit in Coven has been incredible to watch.

-The next trick is to find items from former Supremes that are hidden in the coven, and you can tell this by looking into pebbles. Delia gets hers, while Madison is struggling and even tries to offer to bring Zoe back. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP….you had your chance, bitch. She throws quite the fit that was kind of funny on the second viewing, and basically exposes her for what she is: an arrogant, spoiled yamp. She stomps upstairs to pack her things, and runs into Kyle, who isn’t happy about losing Zoe and proceeds to choke THEEEEEEEEEE SHIT out of Madison. The first thing I thought was, okay, so Madison couldn’t do that final trick. But she can still start fires and do transmutation and whatnot…she never thought to use any of that when she was getting Undertaker’d? Anyway, I may have hit that Tiger Woods fist pump.

-While this was going on, Delia was bringing Zoe back to life in the greenhouse. Since she has proven that she has the stuff to be the Supreme, Delia gets her eyes back and this might have been my favorite part of the episode. Sarah Paulson has been a monster this season and when she is all done up, she has that thing about her, a look of power and sexiness that Fiona (YUP, don’t care how old Jessica Lange is) had.

-And then creepy ass Spalding pops out out of nowhere to help bury Madison, apparently. Not really sure what this had to do with anything.

-Delia goes on TV and tries to do some damage control to the public about witchcraft, which leads to a slew of applications to the coven and it appears that they’re back. However, Myrtle puts forth that Delia has to kill her for killing her cohorts on the council….remember how Delia got her eyes? Yeah, that. And no word of a lie, I hit that “AGAIN?” at the same time Delia did when talking about Myrtle being burned at the stake for the second time. Obviously, Delia doesn’t want to do it because Myrtle has been more of a mother to her than Fiona ever was.

-One, of course there would be a Stevie Nicks song playing on Myrtle’s walk to the stake. Of friggin’ course.

-Two, they ain’t even let Myrtle take her theremin to play a tune? Boooooooooooooooo.

-There is a line around the coven and Delia tells Zoe and Queenie that she wants them to be her right-hand witches. But first, she has to take care of something, and that something, not surprisingly, is Fiona because, well, did you really think she wasn’t going to come back for the finale? Yeah, we all saw her die and that’s what Delia says, but Fiona still had some power and had planted the image of her death in the Axeman’s mind, which Delia had read and thought to be true (where did she get all that goat’s blood?). So instead, we get Fiona, damn near death with her falling to the point that I thought it was Spalding at first. They have a moment where Fiona tells Delia that she saw her own death every time she looked at her daughter, while Delia says Fiona was the monster in every one of her closets. GO MOTHERHOOD!

-Fiona wants Delia to kill her, but Delia says she has to go through the process of dying alone. Fiona was never going to do anything with that pocketknife, and neither was Delia. Fiona ends up in her personal hell, which is apparently with the Axeman on a farm just like he said, where he brings catfish for her to cook (hahahaha Fiona ain’t having that at all). She also isn’t a fan of knotty pine. Honestly, when she woke up, I thought she was going to be one of Spalding’s dollhouses, that would maybe explain why he showed up early. Instead, while she is going off about being stuck in this house, she sees ol’ Cokey McSnifferson himself, Papa Legba, laughing at her.

-The show ends with Delia flanked by Zoe and Queenie and a house full of new witches, and we have a new era in the coven. Smiling Delia is pretty.

So, that was that. The first thing I thought when the finale ended was, “for Christ’s sakes, AGAIN?”. For me, the writers have never been able to wrap up American Horror Story like I wanted it to, and hey, there may be some people out there that disagree with me to which I say, that’s all you. This wasn’t as bad as Murder House and it DEFINITELY was better than Asylum, and to be honest, I don’t even know what I was expecting. But I expected better than this. They didn’t really explain the whole “Marie dying through Madame L” thing that I’m reading about right now, so maybe I missed the hell out of that (and I watched the shit twice), but they didn’t even refer to them in the finale at all. Spalding showed up for literally no reason at all other than to be a creep.

I never finished Nip/Tuck, Murphy’s first big series, because I watched the premiere of the first season, was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP and figured it would end badly, which it did according to everyone I have spoken to (although I am going to go back and watch it at some point…..maybe). As I have said many times before, none of the three AHS series have ended properly. Murphy and his teams are great at building the foundation and then bringing you to a peak….and then they start throwing paint on the walls with no discretion and you end up wondering, what the hell was that? Which is a shame, because the acting on this show is ALWAYS fantastic and the direction is pretty good as well, but the writing? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

But overall, I’m not going to say that Coven was a bad series. It was the best of the three so far, and the additions of Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates (who will both be back next season) were excellent. But for me, the series probably could have ended after the 11th episode, “Protect The Coven”. So, from now on, I’ll just watch the first 10 or 11 episodes of American Horror Story and make up my own ending. It just seems like they go HARD for the first 80-90% of the series, and then bail out at the end. They go down the rapids and everything is good, and then they see the waterfall and jump for the closest bit of land.

And even though I basically spent over 2100 words shitting on the finale, I will be back for the next season of AHS, because Angela Bassett, Sarah Paulson and Jessica Lange with reportedly a German accent. Thanks for rockin’ with me in the Coven,

American Horror Story: Coven S03E12 – Go To Hell

Well, we’re almost at the end of American Horror Story: Coven, and I’m pretty sure they are going to do a good job next week. My opinions on how the end of the first two series have been executed have been documented (but in case you didn’t know, they haven’t been the best), but after “Go To Hell”, I’m confident going into the season finale. What I am not confident about is the identity of the next Supreme. But anyway, let’s gooooooooooo……

-We get a silent-film montage explaining the Seven Wonders: mind control, setting shit on fire, bringing stuff back to life, etc….ass the stuff we’ve seen the witches do this season. They were explained to us as Fiona was explaining them to Queenie, her pick for the next Supreme. I don’t know if Fiona was was guessing this, or this is who she wanted, but there has to be a better way of trying to convince Queenie by trying to strangle her with her mind.

-Queenie still isn’t having it, though, and she is also curious to know what happened to Marie. So she gets her Decension on, which means sending your soul into the afterlife, but having the ability to come back. She discovered that her version of hell was her old job at the chicken spot, where Papa Legba shows her what happened to Marie: she was chopped into pieces by Madame L. That was something I didn’t see coming. I also wouldn’t guess that Papa Legba liked so many damn marshmellows in his hot chocolate. He looks like the type to just shake his drugs into the beverage. He also tells Queenie that Madame L can’t die as long as Marie was alive. This is all very confusing. I think this is all included in what Queenie’s idea of hell is.

-So Queenie hunts down Madame L, now looking modern (as modern as she can), at her old house, where she is the tour guide and can change the narrative about her old life. Coven has done this a couple times this season, because just when you have a little compassion for her, she does some fucked-up shit. Knocking the old tour guide upside her head and keeping her caged up, for one (she kind of deserved it, though, if that woman couldn’t see what was coming). Queenie stabs her in the chest because, guess what, sometimes people ain’t shit and there isn’t anything you can do about it, not even if you make them watch Roots.

-The way they shot this scene was excellent, and Madame L was right, as messed up as it seems. She said that she wasn’t going to apologize because she wasn’t sorry, and it was cut with real “apologies” from public figures: Paula Deen, Anthony Weiner, etc….these people weren’t sorry for what they did, they’re sorry for getting caught. So what is the point of the apology? It’s a dog-and-pony show. And we buy it.

-Fuck Paula Deen. That is all.

-Back at the coven, a lot is going on. Delia suspects something went down with Misty and Madison, who shows she can teleport around the room, so she thinks she is the next Supreme. Fiona is coming to grips with her impending death, getting her portrait done (while suffering a nose bleed), but while she is putting a necklace on Fiona, she sees that her mother is planning to kill EVERYONE. At least burning out her own eyes wasn’t for nothing. She also sees that Fiona is planning to skip out on the Axeman and tries to warn him…how do you think that will turn out?

-Zoe and Kyle return to the coven. They apparently didn’t make it to Epcot because Kyle killed a hobo, and Zoe had to bring him back, which made her think she was the next Supreme, which will make me furious. But that was just a precursor….

-Because Delia gets a vision from the shawl Stevie Nicks had given Misty, and sees that Misty is locked in the grave that Madison put her in. Misty is singing what I can only assume was a Stevie song. Delia takes Queenie to the grave and Queenie uses her powers to break bricks, AND bring Misty back to life. Queenie has to be the betting favorite for the Supreme, right?

-One lesson I have learned from Coven: white women love Stevie Nicks.

-Misty saunters up in the coven and starts beating the holy hell out of Madison, and yep, I was partyin’. She grabbed her by the throat like she was the Undertaker and shit. I figured this would happen, but it was even better to see. I’ve been waiting for this all damn season. But just when it seemed like Misty was about to chokeslam “Hollywood” to hell, Kyle breaks them up and the Axeman enters, coated in blood.

-While Madison is a bit of a, um…sorry, cunt is the best word I can come up with, she had the line of the episode. The Axeman walks up on vengeance shit and she says, “Man, did you ever walk into the wrong house”. All the witches put their hands up and dude flew across the room. Delia gets a vision of her dead mother.

-We cut to the meeting between the Axeman and Fiona and needless to say, he wasn’t happy about her plan to leave him. He finds the boarding pass in her purse, and then Fiona basically spills her entire plan: kill everyone who could be the next Supreme and earn 30 more years of life. Shit is like an evil Super Mario Bros. game. She did manage to get a drink before the Axeman axed her to death and, as we find out, fed her to alligators. That five-minute scene was probably Jessica Lange’s best work in a season full of contenders.

-Myrtle wants to keep him alive because, let’s face it, she never liked Fiona’s ass in the first place. But she is outnumbered and at first, it looked like Kyle was going to do it. But all of the witches grab knives and start stabbing the bejesus out of the Axeman, It looked like a Tarantino movie; cartoonishly bloody. What else would you expect from American Horror Story?

-The final segment begins in Madame L’s torture chamber, where she has been locked up by Marie and I assume this is back in the day because Madame L’s daughter is there as well. Marie has torturing the daughters, sewing their mouths closed and the branding iron she has is going to go either down a daughter’s throat or “up her backside” (because we’re all about keeping it PG in these AHS streets). Then Marie has some sort of epiphany and says she didn’t want to do this, but Papa Legba shows up and explains that they were actually in hell. She was there for all the babies she had sacrificed to him, and there was really no way of escaping. So then the branding of Madame L’s daughter begins and I can only assume it isn’t pretty.

-God, that painting of Fiona is terrible. I mean, I couldn’t do better. But still, that shit was trash.

-Delia sets up the Supreme Olympics with Madison, Queenie, Misty and Zoe. She said everyone would participate; does that mean herself and Myrtle as well?

-The Seven Wonders is the task, but I’d kinda like to see them running suicide drills and hitting the heavy bag. They better be in the DVD extras.

So, that was that. I’m sure Fiona will be back, and Nan will probably be back too, because as we have established, no one really dies on American Horror Story: Coven. Now watch, the Supreme ends up being Kyle or some shit.

My bet is on Zoe, because it’ll make me mad.

American Horror Story: Coven S03E11 – Protect The Coven

I kind of figured from the title of American Horror Story: Coven‘s latest episode, “Protect The Coven”, that shit was going to get a little real. Knowing these characters, it likely isn’t going to go smoothly either. But I don’t think any of us were prepared for that. Straight into it, let’s goooooooooooooooooooo…

-We start off in 1830 New Orleans and we see where Madame L gets her taste for blood by chopping the head off a chicken. Her daughter was being awful lippy, basically daring her to do it. Then she moves on to an injured slave, and essentially bleeds him out. So now, I’m wondering if she is interested at all in biology, or if she is just fucking nuts. Right now, I am leaning towards the latter.

-Next, we have Nan’s “funeral” (and those quotes are because I think she’ll be back), and a lot goes on here. Fiona tells the girls Nan slipped in the tub and you get the feeling no one believes that. Delia wants Misty to come back, but Madison says she is probably en route back to the Everglades, and no one should believe that at all. Queenie rolls up on the scene with a leashed Madame L, who spits on Marie and gets slapped for it. Queenie put Madame L’s head on her body, and how in the hell did she come back from a bullet in the mouth? We’ll get to that.

-Hank’s father figures out that it was the witches that caused the FBI to run up in his spot, and wants to set up a meeting to negotiate, presumably a truce. Yeah. That’ll end well for everyone.

-Madame L starts telling us her life story, how she was born to rich people in New Orleans. Now, she is doing Fiona’s nails and freshening up Marie’s drink, wandering in on Zoe, FrankenKyle and Madison sleeping after what I can only assume is the world’s creepiest threesome, and then pointing out to Madison didn’t, um, flush. That’s just gross. Madison gives -74 fucks about anything, but not flushing your shit? What is wrong with this girl?

-So because of Madison, now everyone is sitting down to shit pudding. They all seem to love it, though. Myrtle was partyin’ off that joint. She continues through the house, Marie is going on about “finishing what she started”, and I’m not sure if she is talking about Madame L or the baby she stole last episode, but I’m sure it is sinister. Fiona gives her vajeene a spray before heading out to see the Axeman. I laughed. Don’t care. That shit was good. That seems like something Jessica Lange would just ad-lib.

-Line of the episode: “In the fall, the rotten leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate” – Myrtle….how in the hell do you come up with that?

-But an man walks into the house after hurting himself tending to their leaves, and his hand is bloody. Madame L sees that and you know where the hell this is going. He ends up being tied up in Spalding’s old room and we hear Madame L say that she had a curiousity about how “her niggers ticked”. So I guess to answer my early question, she is both: an insane biologist. Anyway, after telling ol’ boy her story, she cuts his toes off.

-Zoe figures out that it was Marie and Fiona that killed Nan, but she continues to be useless. Madison throws some headphones on FrankenKyle so she can talk to Zoe, and then tries to give Kyle a beej, but he throws her away and goes to Zoe. Ummmmm, so this mufucka is saying full sentences now? When did that happen? Son could barely say “hi” last time we saw him. Stupid. Anyway, Madison throws out a whole bunch of threats for when she is the Supreme and while she is probably the best equipped for the job, she can’t stop being a bitch long enough to see the big picture. She is a wicked bitch, though.

-The Axeman back! He wants to take Fiona away from all this, but first he wants to kill whoever the next Supreme is. She has other ideas, though.

-Spalding shows up as Madame L is completing the gutting of her experiment. He is bitter that Fiona teamed up with Marie, the sworn enemy of the coven, and tries to concoct his own plan to concoct the coven.

-Delia tries to have a heart-to-heart with Queenie, in which she learns that Queenie spit up the silver bullet that Hank shot her with. Queenie is like, “y’all have fun with all this, I’m fuckin’ out” and packs up her shit to leave. Which is how I feel most black people would be in her position, kinda like the whole ghosts-in-houses thing.

-And then, we get, for my money, the most fucked-up thing we have ever seen in American Horror Story: Delia stabs herself in the eyes with a pair of scissors. Like, one eye, and then the other. While screaming. Shit was blood-curdling. Delia is the only half-decent character in Coven, and she is just getting worked. Meanwhile, Fiona races home to find out what happened, but after Myrtle chastises her, she just wants a drink. Mother of the friggin’ year.

-Actually, after speaking with Holly, the mom-masterbating was probably more disturbing. But this is going in the top five. I actually tweeted that it was the most fucked up thing we have seen in AHS and someone else was like, “this is what we say 5 times each week”. He isn’t wrong. Shoutout to the homie Dexter Goad (@ShadowDogProd).

-Madame L comes back to Spalding with a priceless doll….and some Benadryl. Right. Benadryl will kill Marie. This was slightly eye-roll inducing. But hey, he got his doll.

-Myrtle and Zoe meet in the greenhouse, and Myrtle continues to play that damn instrument. She is a fuckin’ mess, and I appreciate that. She tells Zoe to leave the coven with Kyle and go to Epcot. Frances Conroy has been stylin’ off the Myrtle part this season.

-Fiona and Marie meet with the Corporation and lets them know that they are immortal, so no sense in pulling guns. Then Fiona orders drinks and we notice that we don’t see the waiter’s face. Marie throws out a “Listen, you white devil….”, which I kinda partied off for a minute. Hank’s father wants them to restore the company, and he wants a 100-year truce. Fiona wants a house and Marie wants a private jet. The fellas at the Corporation laugh, but they aren’t laughing when the waiter/Axeman gets to choppin’. I don’t know what the black right-hand-man was doing. Did he really run at the Axeman with a butter knife? The fuck?

-Hank’s father sits down with a cup of tea before he gets an axe in his neck, courtesy of Fiona, if you didn’t know she was about that life in the first place. Marie takes a picture and that shit likely ended up on Instagram.

-Marie and Fiona are celebrating, then Fiona leaves to “reward” the Axeman, and Madame L sets into motion, her brilliant plan: drug Marie with Benadryl. Guess what doesn’t work? So Madame L doubles down and stabs Marie in the chest. Again, guess what doesn’t work? SHE IS FUCKING IMMORTAL! But then Spalding hits Marie in the head as she starts to chase Madame L, and tells her to bury Marie before he goes up to the attic to play dress-up. Then we see he has the baby in his possession and I absolutely don’t like where the fuck this is going. Is he going to kill the baby? Is he going to diddle it? I am honestly afraid of where American Horror Story is going to go with this.

-Kyle starts catching feelings, and I give -943 fucks about him, his life and Zoe. At all. AND HOW IN THE FUCK IS HE TALKING NOW? Fuck him and this storyline. The show ends with them getting on a bus going to Epcot. He died on a bus. That’ll come back ’round.

For me, this was the best episode of the season for Coven, outside of Zoe and Kyle, who I am sure will play a huge role in the end, so I have to try and care. But what about Misty? Will Fiona and the Axeman make it to their farm life? What are Madame L and Spalding going to do with Marie? Will Madison ever stop being a bitch? Lots of questions for the final two episodes of American Horror Story: Coven.

American Horror Story: Coven S03E10 – The Magical Delights Of Stevie Nicks

The 10th episode of American Horror Story: Coven, for me, was a make-or-break episode. We had heard so much about a Stevie Nicks appearance, and I was afraid that the shark would get jumped in “The Magical Delights Of Stevie Nicks”. This series has had a habit of faltering down the stretch, so I figured it would start here. Thankfully, I was proven wrong. Let’s go…….

-We come back to Marie and Fiona at the coven, where Fiona tucks Marie in and everyone is sharing and being all nice. Marie tries to go to sleep, but she gets a visitor. Papa Legba is his name, apparently (I thought it was her actual father, which is why I always need to watch this twice, and I still usually make mistakes. Y’all can fill those in for me), and she basically sold her soul to him. Each year, he requires an innocent soul as payment from Marie, who breaks into a hospital and steals a newborn baby. I wonder if she also supplies him with his coke. Ol’ boy loves to party, shoutout to his pinky nail.

-And shoutout to the doctor that tried to tell me visiting hours were over. She is lucky Marie only made her open the door to the nursery.

-Back at the coven, Fiona and Delia aren’t getting along so well and it ends with Fiona slapping her blind daughter to the ground. Mothers are taking a beating in Coven. Even Marie looked at Fiona like, “Damn, that was kinda fucked up…and that’s coming from someone who just stole a baby”.

-But Fiona has her moments; to butter up Misty, whom she thinks is the new Supreme, Fiona brings in Stevie Nicks and Misty faints. Ms. Nicks sits at the piano to play a couple songs, and Misty is partyin’, twirling all around the coven, sitting next to Stevie and staring at her all creepily. It was a strange scene. Misty all but licked Stevie’s face. But hey, Ryan Murphy has to fit in musical numbers somewhere (shoutout to Glee). Stevie gives Misty her shawl and Fiona essentially crowns Misty as the next Supreme, to which you can see Madison start to boil. More on that later.

-Fiona, Marie and Delia (who should be mad as hell) do some Googling to figure out who Hank was and where he came from. They devise a plan to take them down, but of course, Fiona has to belittle Delia even more and calls her a bunch of names. At this point, Delia gotta kill Fiona. It’s the only way.

-That being said, I do like the way they cut between the mice in the maze as Fiona and Marie got their spell on, with the major players in the Delphi Trust running around their offices as the FBI storms in and starts doing FBI shit. The war is really on now. Then Marie tells Fiona the story of how she got her eternal life, and it cost her a baby, which is why she has to give Papa Legba a new one every year. He basically tells her she has no business being a mother, which is a running theme in Coven. There isn’t one good mother out of the bunch. It’s not like he is wrong, though.

-Madison and Misty join a funeral procession, which looks like a blast in New Orleans (shoutout to the dude at the end of the line that looked JUST like Jay Electronica). They have their little back-and-forth, but Madison comes out on top as she shows Misty she is also powerful by bringing an old man back to life. Then she tells Misty that the shawl Stevie gave her didn’t mean shit, then she proceeded to hit Misty in the head with a brick and knocks her into an open casket, which is then buried in a mausoleum. Madison walks away, getting her twirl on with the shawl. But does she not realize that she just buried the person that brought her back to life, which means Misty will probably come back to life herself? Can anyone even die on this show?

-Well, Nan tries to prove that theory wrong as she goes over to the neighbor house with Zoe and figures out that the mother killed her crush. So what does she do? Uses her mind control powers to force the mother to drink bleach. It was pretty frothy. Earlier, Nan also almost made Madison stick a lit cigarette in her vajeene. If we were taking bets on Nan being the Supreme, she would be a solid 10/1 at this point, and that wouldn’t be a bad bet to take. Pretty Girl be partyin’ this season. Almost got herself a man and everything. Good for her.

-Delia finally snaps as Fiona’s words get to her, and she tries to seek comfort in Myrtle, who doesn’t seem to care and more or less agrees with her that she shouldn’t be a witch anymore. Myrtle, on the low, has been all kinds of good times this season. She told Delia that she may be able to get work on a cruise ship, and went back to playing her instrument. Delia can’t buy a break at all.

-Fiona sets out some blow for Papa Legba, because well, it’s Fiona and she always seems to have some shit on deck just in case. She wants in on the eternal-life business, and is willing to do anything: give up Delia, kill someone she loves, ANYTHING. But Papa is like, “NOOOOOOOOOOAP, you ain’t got no soul to sell” and peaces the fuck out. It was a rejection of Dikembe Mutumbo proportions. The Axeman shows up randomly, and I am going to assume that he is the “someone she loves”, but Fiona can’t really be bothered with him as she does a line and sets about to kill the other witches because someone is taking her powers. Or maybe it’s the drugs and alcohol. Or maybe it’s the cancer. Ol’ girl is a fuckin’ mess.

-Nan tries to steal the baby that Marie planned to give to Papa, but Fiona steps in and makes her give it back. Then the two team up to drown Nan to give him the blood of an innocent; although Nan isn’t that innocent, she is probably the most innocent of the bunch (don’t think I forgot about Zoe killin’ dudes with her vajeene). Papa shows up and at first, wasn’t feeling it, but then he brought Nan back, or that was her spirit because her body was still in the tub. He eventually leaves with her. Not gonna lie, that part confused the shit outta me. So if anyone wants to help me out with that, holla. I just assume she isn’t dead because no one dies in Coven.

-The episode ends with Fiona sitting on the couch, listening to Stevie sing (what, did she just chain her to the piano?). She has this smile-cry thing going on, which means she is plotting. That isn’t good for anyone.

Overall, it was a nice return for American Horror Story. A lot went on in this episode and there are a few different ways it can go. The problem is, we have seen them do this before and write themselves into a corner. But I have a good feeling about Coven, and they have three episodes left to bring it home.

American Horror Story: Coven S03E08 – The Sacred Taking

American Horror Story: Coven emerges from the American Thanksgiving holiday with a bang, and it seems like they were gone for much longer than a week. “The Sacred Taking” starts strong and even though it could probably do without one of the storylines, ends just as well. Let’s go……

-We start with Queenie walking around in a bummy part of town and of course, some crazy guy steps to her, which of course, isn’t going to work out for him. Zoe and Madison run up on her and try to persuade her to come back to the coven, but Queenie isn’t buying it at all, and instead pulls out the heart of the man who was going to attack her because Marie needed it for a spell. Turns out he was a rapist anyway, so he wasn’t needed. But she said the war was on, and the coven was going to lose. It is now officially on and poppin’.

-Life isn’t letting Fiona cook at all. The cancer is winning, making her all googly-eyed for the Axeman, who is just chillin’ in his briefs like everything is cool and he tells her that he’ll be there until she dies. Pretty noble coming from a guy that kills people just because they don’t like jazz. And Fiona is also worried about which witch is taking her powers en route to being the next Supreme. You would think the Supreme would have the power to figure that out, but she already whiffed on Madison, so fuck knows who it is now.

-Meanwhile, the coven is plotting on Fiona’s downfall when they’re joined by Misty (hey boo), who was forced out of her swamp house by someone with a gun, which I’m assuming was Delia’s husband, the Witch Hunter. But Misty brought a friend: Myrtle is back and she looks as creepy as ever. She looked creepy in life, creepy in death and creepier in resurrection. Myrtle thinks Misty is the Supreme, so that is thrown into the mix. 

-Cut to Zoe and Kyle, and I automatically sighed because I hate this storyline and these characters. But damn, I can’t even front…that look on Kyle’s face when Zoe put the headphones on his head was GOOD. He had that “EUREKA!” look on his face, dogg. I also kinda like how he just wants to bang everything that is put in front of him. Maybe I don’t hate this as much as I thought. Gimme another couple scenes, though.

-The religious mother from next door is trying to nurse her son back to health after his last appearance, on Halloween against Marie’s zombie army. It also involves an enema. Being a good mother is not a prerequisite on Coven this season. Fiona was awful, Madame L was worse, Kyle’s mom was tryna give him a handjob….mothers aren’t getting good reviews in these AHS streets.

-The name of the episode comes from the next scene as the Sacred Taking is when the current Supreme takes her own life and gives her power to the next one. Delia thinks this will work, and Madison gives her a solid sideeye. We don’t even know who the next one is, so how does this work? But we got the best line of the episode, and quite possibly of the entire season. Nan was like, “why can’t I be the next one?”, and Madison replied with, “You have no style and your pits smell like fishsticks”. When I tell you that myself and my AHS partners in crime, Lindsay and Jody, were PARTYIN’ off that, my goodness….I was sweating. Those Madison bars are etherous. Either way, Delia was like, this is how it’s going down.

-Fiona comes out of her bathroom from a cancer-induced puking session to see Madison, who she thinks is dead, and Madison does her best to persuade Fiona to take a bunch of pills, or be burned at the stake as she did to Myrtle, who joins the party. Myrtle guides Fiona through a flashback of her getting sicker and dying, lonely as even the Axeman left her (you know you done fucked up when a bloody axe murderer ain’t fuckin’ with you anymore). So, it’s on to the pills for Fiona, but let’s be real, she loves pills. Myrtle also got her steal on, taking some jewelry for the road. That’s ratchet as shit and I appreciate that.

-But Spalding comes back from the dead, because everyone comes back from the dead on Coven, and his truth-telling ass tells Fiona that she has been tricked into committing suicide. Or maybe he was a ghost. I’m not sure what is going on here, but either way, he’s back and gets Fiona back on the go with some sort of potion that makes her throw up the pills. It must be Suicide Prevention Week at FX; this happened on Sons Of Anarchy as well.

(EDIT: I was just notified that Spalding was a ghost and in fact, not brought back from the dead. I was kinda drunk when I watched this and must have missed it the second time. These things happen.)

-Queenie is tryna be friends, giving Madame L a burger in her cage until Marie (HEY BOO) rolls up and sends her off. Madame L doesn’t even care about Marie’s threats because she knows she can’t die, but Marie isn’t hearing it and cuts off her hand. Every time you try to feel a little sympathy for Madame L, you remember that she is a raging racist and she wanted to go back into the ground because there was a “darkie in the White House”.

-Nan reads the thoughts of the neighbor’s son and goes over to the house, but his mother is on the phone with the police. But she took a few gunshots to the chest courtesy of the witch hunter, who was probably going after Nan and is just a terrible shot.

-Fiona shows up like, “what y’all up to?”, but everyone is more concerned of what is going on next door. She goes over and meets Misty, who brings back Neighbor Mom to prove to Fiona that she can do it. Delia finds a silver bullet, which points to her witch-hunting husband, so now we know that witches can be killed by silver bullets…well, anyone can, but especially witches.

-Zoe and Kyle have this touching “I love you” moment and I go back to hating them. Madison is sad as shit over in a corner and you know she won’t take that lying down.

-Fiona and Delia are chatting in the kitchen, Fiona says she is proud of her daughter, who replies that she would have tried to kill her mother long ago if that’s what it took to get her love. They put their beef to the side because they have to deal with the witch hunter, and anyway, Delia is blind as shit and Fiona has cancer, so neither is really at full strength. The doorbell rings and there is a box on the step. Yep, Madame L’s head is in there and the eyes blink.

Next week’s episode is called “Head” before Coven takes a break until January. I’m pretty sure we can all guess what that will be about. Shit is still shaping up to be the best season of American Horror Story yet.