American Horror Story has always had a problem with starting up too many storylines, because it all feels rushed when they’re tryna wrap it up. Hotel is starting to fall to the same problem, and a couple more get added in “Room Service”, which was all over the damn place. Let’s go…
-We open with Alex wandering through the hospital, looking like someone who, well, just turned into a vampire. She checks her temperature, which is at a solid 75.5 F, which isn’t normal….well, it is if you’re a vampire. She heads into the room of the little boy who has the measles, but now he has a staph infection and is on the verge of dying. All Alex wants is a damn meal, and she looks at the kid and his mom like they’re lunch, but she tells the mother that she’ll keep trying. If I were the mother, I’d be like, ummmmm…..you sure you’re OK? Because you kinda look like actual death.
-Next thing you know, Alex is in a room, going to town on bags of blood and one of our viewing party called the hospital, “a McDonalds for vampires”, which was pretty good. Sucks for everyone that needed blood transplants, but these things happen. Then she comes up with a plan: Alex takes her blood and injects it into the kid’s (Max is his name) IV, and he starts to have a seizure before opening his eyes…..and credits. Great. Inject the kid with vampire blood. Nothing could go wrong…….right?
-Donovan shows up at Ramona’s house with a strung-out Iris, who if you remember, was also turned by her son. Ramona isn’t happy about him showing up with her, but Donovan has a plan: Iris will be the mole on the inside at the hotel, Ramona is a little hesitant, but eventually agrees, and that’s fine. But the star of this scene? The posters on Ramona’s wall of her movies, Slaughter Sister and Bride Of Blackenstein. Slaughter Sister isn’t a real movie (but I REALLY want it to happen, someone send that shit to Tarantino) and neither is Bride Of Blackenstein, but Blackenstein is an actual movie that I saw a long time ago. I really recommend you watch it. It’s a hot piece of shit, dogg. Like, hot steaming garbage in the middle of the summer. But it’s worth it for the hilarity.
-Alex returns to Max’s room and he is gone, and she’s like, oh shit, but he brought back by a nurse and his mother, and he looks as good as new. Everyone is shocked by his quick recovery and they start the paperwork for his release, but at the end of the scene, his mom looks at Alex like, something ain’t right with this woman. But she’s not looking a gifthorse in the mouth because her son is okay. I can respect that.
-Iris shows up at the hotel, looking like stir-fried shit, and Liz knows what is good right away. He takes her to the bar and gives her a blood/Triple Sec martini to take the edge off, but he reminds Iris that she has to start feeding regularly to keep this under control. She starts going on about how invisible women are as they get older, and I really don’t know what she is talking about because AHS has never been a show with great writing, but Kathy Bates be actin’, bruh.
-Max is dressed like a pirate, so I assume it is still Halloween in these streets, but before he catches the school bus, he has a light breakfast: his mom. So does that mean she is a vampire now, too? Anyway, he goes to school and there is a party, and he takes his little friend into a closet to explain to her that he had the measles. But they go in to kiss, and it’s a little uncomfortable because, well, these mufuckas look like they’re in elementary school. I have no qualms with him biting her lip so he can taste her blood, but it’s all a little weird; it’s very sexualized for young children. You have to keep moving your moral goalposts for AHS, because they’re always gon’ do something to shock you. Anyway, the teacher wanders into the closet and is like, the fuck y’all doing, and Max slices her shit up. Meanwhile, the rest of the class gets sick because Max has been tainting their food, and then a principal or something walks in and he gets fucked up, too. The SWAT team is called into the school and the kids escape, but Max concocts a story about getting attacked and everyone sticks to it. It’s a very strange scene all around, and now I’m like, am I supposed to care about the child-vampire army? Is this another thing? Isn’t there enough going on already?
-Meanwhile, John is telling his boss what happened to him with the serial-killer party and all that, and dude is looking at him like he is absolutely insane. He knows it sounds crazy, but he stakes his reputation on it and his boss is like, your reputation ain’t shit, bruh. He fires John, who hands in his gun, and I don’t care. Honestly, if they got rid of John and started the child-vampire thing, I’d be okay with that.
-Iris is at the hotel, tryna get back to life, when in walk a man and a woman looking for a room. The man is named Justin and played by Darren Criss, who I learned was on Glee, so that makes sense with the whole Ryan Murphy thing. He and his lady are apparently in the social-media business and they want a room because Will Drake owns the hotel, and their job is basically to be a pair of hipster assholes, which they play quite well. They’re very demanding and driving Iris crazy, but meanwhile, she’s trying to put Elizabeth and Tristan off her scent as they walk through the lobby, looking all fancy, and they notice that Iris is nervous. Tristan is actually smelling her and they know something is up, but Iris chalks it up to Halloween nervousness, which, sure, I guess that could be a thing. I don’t how you get nervous about anything after working in this hotel, but who am I to ask questions? Even Liz is looking like, they gotta know, b.
-Then Justin calls downstairs to try and get room service, and he wants some grilled romaine lettuce and other bullshit that this place obviously wouldn’t have, so he orders Iris to call and get it delivered. Didn’t take long, but I can’t wait until these mufuckas get their faces eaten. Oh, and they wanted pate, so Liz puts some cat food on a silver platter because fuck them, that’s why. Anyway, Liz and Iris start talking and Iris says something about not being homophobic, to which Liz states that he’s not gay and Iris is confused…..so we get Liz’s backstory FINALLY.
-Liz was a married man from Topeka, and he only married this woman because of her dress size. He would go away on business trips and when his colleagues would go out to strip clubs, he would stay in his room and dress like a woman. He got champagne ordered to his room and someone leaves it outside, but we never see who it is and I’m interested to see who it was. But he turns around and Elizabeth is behind him, telling him that his blood smells like a woman. He starts to cry and says that he is ugly, so Elizabeth offers him a life as a goddess and does his makeup for him so they can go out on the town. He’s not ready for all that yet, so Elizabeth tells him to go get some ice and of course, he runs into his coworkers, who start calling him a fag and wondering if they got AIDS from sharing a Sprite because yo, it was the 80s and mufuckas didn’t know any better. Actually, mufuckas still don’t know any better, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation. Anyway, Elizabeth pops up and slices their throats, and Liz Taylor, as he is now know, stays at the hotel. He sent his family money until his kids turned 18. So…..his wife never came looking for him ever again? I have a feeling we’ll see her by the end of Hotel and oh yeah, Denis O’Hare is getting nominated for something for this sequence. Remember where you heard it first.
-He also tells Iris that she should teach the hipsters a lesson, and she takes the cat food and a bottle of wine upstairs. They continue to complain, although they say that the “pate” is decent, and they bitch and they bitch, until Iris snaps and stabs ol’ girl in the neck with a corkscrew, and then gets Justin with a knife, all the while yelling about how they don’t know anything outside of their sheltered lives. Then she drinks their blood because, well, why not? Can’t let that shit go to waste. They got what was coming to them.
-John wakes up in bed with Sally, and he doesn’t remember any of it, so Sally tells him what happened and he was like, nah, you gotta go, so of course, she flips because women aren’t fans of that. But while we get a flashback of the sex, we see Rapey McDrillbit behind him for a flash of a second and he’s like, WHOA…..but goes back to the sex, because SEX. Anyway, she says some shit about this being real and it’s destiny that they should be together. He’s a killer, dogg. He has to be. She knows that shit when she sees it.
-Iris feels better as she and Liz push the dead hipsters down the hall and then they toss them down the chute where the bodies go. They also drink the wine that they didn’t finish. Again, can’t let shit go to waste.
-Elizabeth tells Holden to give Alex a kiss, and that it is past his bedtime, and Alex is like, huh? She wants to spend more time with him, so Elizabeth has a special gift for them: a two-person coffin where they can do whatever it is that vampires do in coffins. Alex rightly asks about what about seeing John in the hotel, but that shit is gone when she sees the coffin. They’ll figure that shit out later, I guess.
So, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy this episode of Hotel, but it’s just…..man, there is a lot of shit going on right now. Now we have the child-vampire army, to go with John’s relationship with Sally, his wife and son are vampires, we didn’t even see or hear about Scarlett in this episode, Ramona’s revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, who is now enjoying that vampire life, and they barely touched on that. Oh, and the Ten Commandments Killer thing. Oh, and Will Drake. And March. And will we see the serial-killer crew again? Don’t do this to yourself, American Horror Story. In a series known for a lack of focus, this might be the most unfocused joint yet. I’ll still watch, tho because if nothing else, it’s entertaining.