Tag Archives: AHS

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E13 – Curtain Call

I’ve written ad nauseam about my disappointment with the finales of the American Horror Story series, so when it came time to watch “Curtain Call”, the finale for Freak Show, I expected the worst, but hoped for the best. That seemed to work, because in my opinion, we got, by far, the best AHS finale yet. Let’s go……….

-The freaks are preparing for the Dandy Show to kick off and while none of them are high on working with him, he has money and people gotta eat. But Dandy is pissed that no one is buying tickets to the show, and well, let’s just say he doesn’t take advice too well. Paul tries to tell him that this happens in the beginning, and gets called a stupid freak; Eve tries to say they’re only giving advice and gets called an ugly cow. Dandy says they’re boring and mediocre, and threatens to put horns on Penny, but Paul gets on his chivalry tip, which Dandy obviously isn’t having and pushes him. Eve says, enough of this, and punches him in the face before the freaks tell him that they’re quitting. Paul also spits in his pretentious face and they walk off. Nothing good is gon’ come outta this. Dandy doesn’t exactly take to being told “no”.

-Elsa is in Hollywood and she walks into the WBN offices, tryna get an appointment with the head of the network, but the secretary kinda shrugs her off and tells her to have a seat. She smokes cigarette after cigarette after cigarette before the secretary gets ready to leave for the day, so it’s obvious that Elsa has been given the run-around for the third day in a row. You gotta feel a little bad for Elsa, who feels foolish because her appointment apparently went out the back to avoid her, and she learns quickly that this is Hollywood, and mufuckas don’t care about your feelings. Then the secretary says that Marlene Dietrich did Elsa’s act better, to which Elsa was like, oh hell naw, and slaps fire out ol’ girl’s face. The security guard grabs her before a man comes out and breaks everything up, and Elsa is lying on the ground, crying and looking as pathetic as we’ve seen her all series. But we learn that the man that broke everything up is Michael Beck, the junior VP of casting at the network, and his real last name is Beckenbauer, so they have that German connection. He jokes that he had to change to avoid being labelled a communist, not being a Nazi. It looks like she has an in.

-Dandy is putting make-up on his face, and you just know shit is about to get crazy because he has that good and insane look in his eyes. He starts walking through the freak show, humming a tune, and when he closes his eyes to get in that zone, you know it’s about to be some shit. Paul walks up and says something about back pay, and gets a bullet in the head for his trouble, but I mean, he spat in his face, so that had to happen. Penny hears the shot and I’ve no idea how she was planning to hide behind a sheet because it’s not like Dandy can’t see her behind a white sheet, and she gets shot in the head as well. Toulouse (the midget that was feeling up on the twins a few weeks ago) gets on, as well as little legless Suzi, and he chased her all around the tent, what an asshole. He did stub his toe while chasing her, though, that was pretty good.

-Desiree hears all this and knows what’s up as Dandy shoots a couple more random freaks. Eve hears the shots and runs out to Paul, who is long past dead and shoutout to the makeup people on AHS as that bullet hole in the back of his head looks damn real. Eve grabs a hatchet while Ima (the big girl) tries to hide, but that obviously doesn’t work. Dandy finds Desiree’s trailer and searches it, but she hides in a closet and does everything in her power not to make a sound. Dandy then gets tackled by Eve and the two fight, and she is kickin’ his ass all over the place, but Dandy gets free, shoots her in the leg and then the head. He continues the search for Desiree, but eventually gives up and returns to a tent where the twins are tied to a post. In my head, I’m saying to myself that I’ll stop watching this shit if he kills the twins, shit, even one of them, but instead, he asks them to join him. That is probably worse for them.

-I do like Dandy’s fancy golden revolver, but they didn’t even try to show him reloading that shit while going on his rampage. God love American Horror Story, a show that gives almost as few fucks as The Walking Dead when it comes to the little things.

-Jimmy’s fuck ass returns to the show to see what’s up after getting his wooden claws, and we’re not gon’ talk about how the cops apparently aren’t looking for him anymore after the truck he was in was jumped by Dell and Eve, and there were cops killed; that’s old shit. He calls for Elsa, but she’s long gone. Then he is slowly realizing, because that’s how Jimmy does things, that something is amiss. He walks into the big top, and it’s just a trail of dead bodies all the way up to the stage. Jimmy closes Eve’s eyes and I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to feel bad for him, but between the wooden claws and well, Jimmy, we all start laughing. Desiree puts her hand on his shoulder and Jimmy gets freaked out before he realizes it’s her, and she starts sobbing to end the most bloody and intense 20 minutes of the season.

-We return after commercial to the wedding of the twins (well, Bette) to Dandy, which takes place in his play/bed/killing room, and they’re joined by a kid playing the flute, homegirl on the harp and a fake-ass horse, along with some other stuffed animals. Dot tells them that she’ll just leave her body while they’re consummating the marriage, but Dandy basically tells that she’ll be joining them and threatening her if she disrespects his manhood, whatever the hell that means. They’re having a toast during dinner, and Dandy starts talking excitedly about the future, but the way it’s shot, it looks like everything around Dandy is moving, and Bette is talking him up, but Dot has this “mufucka you need to die” look on her face, so the wheels start turning. He drops the glass on the floor and we’re like, “AW SHIT THEY DRUGGED HIS ASS” as his vision gets blurry, and the maid that the twins hired is Desiree, who shows off the triple breasts one final time so he’ll recognize her. He goes to attack her, but Bette shoots Dandy with a tear in her eye and his Goldeneye gun, and all he says afterwards is, “THAT’S MINE”, referring to the gun because Dandy sees everything as his….EVERYTHING. Desiree calls for the butler and we all know Jimmy is coming out, which he does as we learn the twins snuck him earlier. They tell Dandy that he is finally gon’ be the star of the show as he passes out.

-They showed a few commercials for that A Most Violent Year movie, which I didn’t even know was a thing until last week. I’m intrigued, might gotta watch that.

-Dandy wakes up in a tank, so you know this won’t end well for him. He is in the Houdini escape tank, and he still thinks he can order people around because he’s delusional. Desiree just wants to cut his balls off, but Jimmy says they’re showmen, so it has to be theatrical. He says all the killing was what God wanted him to do, and he was just fulfilling his purpose, and even better, he forgives the twins for setting him up like this. Goddamn, Dandy Mott just might be the greatest character in AHS history, no less than top three. Bette tells Dandy that she hates him as he killed all her friends, and Desiree gives a speech about how he is a bigger freak than all of them as they turn on the water. He tries to bribe them with money, then says some shit about being immortal, but Jimmy replies with some speech about freaks inheriting the earth and I don’t care about anything he says anyway. The twins, Jimmy and Desiree sit around with some popcorn as Dandy eventually drowns, while we eat popcorn and watch them on some AHS/Inception shit.

-That Jennifer Lopez movie, The Boy Next Door, dammit that looks terrible, b.

-We go to Hollywood in 1960 and we learn that Elsa has become a star in both TV and music, and she is getting a start on the Walk of Fame, and she married Michael Beck eventually. But of course, she ends up being an asshole and shits all over the product of a coffee commercial she is filming, saying “shite” three times and the coffee tastes like piss. Michael and a network executive try to talk her into doing a promotional spread on Halloween, but freaks don’t work on Halloween, word to Edward Mordrake…..so the wheels get to turning again. Then Elsa calls Michael a pussy for some reason, and again says that she doesn’t work on Halloween. We learn that Elsa regrets marrying Michael and has returned to her dominatrix roots with him, and she is going home for another engagement.

-That engagement is Axeman Massimo, who flashes back to a time when Elsa was learning to walk with her new legs. Elsa hates her new life as she is surrounded by yes men, her and Michael cheat on each other constantly, and she feels cursed. She goes back to the birthday cake that Ethel made her in 1952, when she wished to be loved, and now she wants to run away with Massimo, but he has lung cancer and is due to die in a month. Jessica Lange and Danny Huston be actin’, bruh. Everything that they’ve done from Coven to Freak Show, there is never a wasted second.

-Elsa is hammered as Michael and the head of the network (who looks startlingly like John McCain) show up to tell her that the snuff film has popped up, and Michael is pissed because Elsa lied about how she lost her legs, so he says he’s packing his things. An article is coming out about the snuff film, and not only that, a private investigator has connected Elsa to the freak show in Jupiter, where everyone is dead. Basically, her entire past has violated a morality clause in her contract, so Elsa is getting the boot. She says fuck it all, and she’ll work on Halloween because she knows what’s gon’ happen.

-Elsa steps out to do her final performance, which is “Heroes” by David Bowie, so we can assume that Ryan Murphy loves some Bowie. She is doing her thing, and we see Desiree walking by a TV on the street, and she is now married to whatever the hell Theo Huxtable’s name is, with children. Jimmy is watching it at home….with the twins, who are pregnant and all I’m wondering is, does she feed him? I mean, he has wooden claws for hands. Then Mordrake and his crew show up, along with Twisty The Clown, who looks really weird with a full mouth. Elsa stops singing and everyone in real life is looking around like, uh, what’s wrong with her, while Elsa and Mordrake hammer out the details of her death as she brought him here under a suicide mission. So he does kill her (although it looks to everyone else like she just had a heart attack), but Mordrake says she doesn’t belong with his crew.

-Instead, Elsa ends up with her freaks, including Ethel, which means we get one last chance to hear Kathy Bates’ terrible Baltimore accent, and she says the freak show always have a full house in the afterlife, so apparently, Elsa ends up winning.

And that, my friends, wraps up Freak Show, which I’m not going to put above Coven yet, but it’s coming. That was easily the best and most coherent of all the AHS finales, and the only thing that bothers me is that Elsa kinda wins, but she was still miserable enough that she wasn’t happy, so that’s okay. We all thought that she would survive and end up reuniting with Pepper in the asylum, which isn’t completely off the table just yet, depending on what they plan for Season 5 (and if Lange decides to come back). That they managed to pull everything back together throughout this deliberate mess of a season was pretty incredible, especially after watching them foul it up for three season (definitely the last two, I’ll give Murder House a pass, though).

Sure, there were some strange times here and there, but overall, Freak Show was a fun hour of TV every week because you never knew what was coming, and you knew you were getting top-tier acting from 95% of the cast (we all know who I’m talkin’ about). Shoutout to Finn Wittrock for coming out of nowhere and dominating the season, with honorable mentions to Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, and Ms. Lange for the final three episodes; like a true veteran, she stepped up and carried this shit in the fourth quarter. Word to Neil Patrick Harris and Malcolm Jamal-Warner for coming through and doing their thing in their cameos as well. If you’re looking to start someone out on American Horror Story, give them Freak Show, and go from there.

Super special shout to the AHS crew, Jody, Lindsay and Mel, as I told y’all, the show was only eclipsed by the company. Can’t wait for the next one!

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E12 – Show Stoppers

The main issue I have with American Horror Story is the inability to tie up loose ends in a timely fashion. Freak Show might have discovered the magic formula with “Show Stoppers”: with one episode left, they just decided to kill everybody and the results were encouraging. Let’s go…..

-Stanley rolls up to the freak show, where the freaks are partyin’ and celebrating Elsa’s sale to Chester, and she asks him to leave so she can be alone with the group. Really, she just wants him to be gone so they can be alone with Stanley, and they give all kinds of hints that they’re gon’ kill him. Eve in particular looks like she wants to kill him so bad, she might say fuck the plan and just get it in. They bring out a present for Stanley, and it turns out to be the head of the morbidity museum curator, who was murdered by Desiree and distracted by Maggie, who tells him that she snitched on their plan. Stanley starts coppin’ pleas, talkin’ about how great Hollywood will be, but that doesn’t stop him from going on the knife-throwing wheel and he eventually gets a knife in the leg as he tries to run away. But while he is escaping, he does manage to yell out, “she killed Ethel!”, so hold on to that. He scurries and scurries, but eventually gets trapped under a bus and surrounded by the freaks, and nothing good is about to happen for him.

-Elsa tells Jimmy she is gon’ take care of him since his mother is dead (and there has to be a little guilt involved), and Dell is dead because he tried to harm the freaks. Jimmy is furious and yells that he has no hands and can’t take a piss, which might be his best line of the series so far. Elsa also says she tracked down the doctor that worked on her legs and Maggie is gon’ clean his stumps, which he isn’t a fan of, but he really doesn’t have a choice. Then they try to have a moment, Maggie says she hates hurting Jimmy and she loves him, and Jimmy isn’t havin’ it at all, basically telling her to leave the show. I just can’t buy it from these two. They’re trying, I guess.

-The doctor, Massimo Dolcefino, shows up at the big top and he is played by Danny Huston, also known as the Axeman from Coven. They have a big, long hug and show more emotion in 15 seconds than Jimmy and Maggie have over like, eight episodes.

-The twins have decided they love the sex and want it all the time, and Chester is like, yeah, I’m in, but the doll has to be there, which is going to wear thin eventually, right? Right. So the twins ask if Marjorie can be put away, they cut to human Marjorie (Jamie Brewer) and yeah, it’s a bit off-putting. But I mean, I don’t think he had to throw her on the floor. That isn’t gon’ work out well for anyone, and Marjorie isn’t happy about the new changes in the relationship. Chester thinks that the twins are going to cure him of everything before Marjorie calls him a murderer, and we flash back to the death of his wife and her girlfriend, which we learn was really done by Chester. I was kinda caught off-guard because, well, Marjorie is a fucking doll and as she points out, incapable of murder. But two things: one, I really don’t put a whole lot of thinking in American Horror Story and two, come on, is a killer doll REALLY outside of the realm of possibility on this show? HAVE YOU SEEN THE OPENING CREDITS? Anyway, Marjorie puts it in Chester’s head that the twins have to go.

-The freaks are sitting around, looking at old pictures of Ethel and they’re tryna figure out their next course of action with Elsa selling the freak show. Finally, one of the third-tier freaks pipes up like, “so we’re not gon’ talk about what Stanley said, with the Elsa and the murder and the Ethel?”. They kick around a few ideas, and come to the conclusion that Ethel wouldn’t have killed herself, and they aim to kill Elsa.

-The twins are talking about Chester, the sex and the doll, and then Dandy enters their room with a dossier or some shit. He tells them that his mother has died and it was sudden and awful, but he left out the little part about him murdering her and having bath time in her blood. He says that he comes in friendship, although he would have loved to marry them, and he wants to offer them protection because he has some new information on Chester, because that doesn’t sound creepy at all. The twins aren’t hearing it and tell him to get out, but Dandy does leave the dossier with them.

-Elsa takes Massimo to Jimmy to talk about new hands, and Jimmy wants hooks, but Elsa shows him her wooden legs and is like, they’ve worked out well for me. Then Elsa and Massimo have a little exchange in which she talks about how much she trusts him and would have married him for saving her, but he replies that he loved her too much, so much that he went on a Kill Bill-esque revenge hunt on the dudes that cut off her legs and killed every last one of them. So he was found by heir leader, who was…….the crazy doctor from Asylum. We know he doesn’t play around, and he hooked up jumper cables to Massimo’s, um, junk, because I’m tryna keep it classy. He managed to escape, but he has no humanity left because of the war and having jumper cables attached to his nuts (so much for classy), and he leaves. Jimmy is sittin’ there like, so, how these hands? But again, one scene between Elsa and Massimo destroys everything Jimmy and Maggie have ever done. Take notes, kids.

-Chester is in the big top, explaining to everyone how the show will go with him in charge. The twins have read the dossier, so they obviously know something is up with Chester now and they say they don’t want to be his assistant anymore, and he is like, well, the new trick in the show is that I’m sawing you in half, so suck it up. Maggie, being the worst psychic ever, volunteers to take their place in the box, but Chester is seeing his wife and then her girlfriend. The freaks are kinda sitting around watching this like, ummmmmmm……should we stop him? Then Chester is all in makeup and costume, preparing to do this trick and I have no idea why he is in all the makeup, but whatever makes him comfortable. He puts shackles on her feet and it’s right around this time that Maggie is like, yo, I can’t move my legs, bruh, while he is going on about his wife and going to the war for her, and she says he should have died over there. Again, not one of the freaks has stepped up to help Maggie. Then Chester starts seeing Marjorie in the box and Maggie is like, YOOOOOO I’M IN HERE, BRUH. But Chester gets to sawing, and holy shit, we just watched Maggie get sawed in half and this season of American Horror Story has been saved. Shit is getting a “B” at the very least now.

-Marjorie is partyin’, just pointing and laughing while the rest of the freaks are like, what in the hell? Chester is stumbling around, disoriented and pulls apart the box to spill Maggie’s guts onto the floor, and he says he can put her back together, but that shit ain’t happening. Marjorie continues to laugh and Chester blames it all on her before running off. Desiree says that Maggie had it coming, and that they should rob her of her jewelry and bury her because, well, it’s practical. Chester follows Marjorie back to their room and she wants to leave, but he stabs her as well, like, multiple times.

-Cut to a flashback of Jimmy’s early days at the freak show and he is throwing up before a performance with Ethel, who encourages him, and then we’re in the present as Eve is telling him that Maggie is dead and Elsa is next. At this point, Jimmy is like, whatever, man. He has lost his mom, his dad that he never knew, he didn’t get the twins, he has been accused of killing like, nine women (Whatever happened to that anyway? They broke son outta jail and that’s it? Anyway…), I assume he has given up on big girl and now the closest thing he has left to a mother is going to die, too. And I still don’t feel sorry for him. But he is about to get some new hands, though, so that’s cool.

-The twins roll up on Elsa and find out the truth about her legs. They warn her that the freaks are coming for her because of what she did to Ethel, and Elsa is like, they wouldn’t kill me and the twins are like, do you wanna test that theory? Elsa realizes that she doesn’t want to at all. Meanwhile, the freaks are gathering up to do this and Desiree screams Ethel’s name and drinks all of the booze, then smashes a bottle and leads the way. I want Desiree to make inspirational speeches as I’m getting ready to do stuff.

-The freaks find Elsa’s tent empty, with only a record playing, because she has gotten the fuck outta dodge. After the commercial break, we return to Elsa sitting in a car where she is met by Dandy, who gives her an envelope and a bunch of money. I need to know what is in the envelope.

-Chester walks into the police station, covered in blood and confesses to the murder of Marjorie, which the cops are like, that’s a doll…..but whose blood is that all over your shit? So they’ll figure out that is Maggie’s blood, and he is done. Nice little arc for Neil Patrick Harris, but did we expect anything less than greatness from him?

-The freak show looks like a hurricane came through town, and ironically, Dandy pulls up to announce that he is taking inventory because he owns everything and everyone now. He is looking around, checking shit out and he hears a noise. He walks behind the stage in the big top to find Stanley, in a coop, with no arms, legs or tongue and dressed up like Meep. That’s some good revenge right there. Dandy is full of delight at seeing this because, well, he’s fucking Dandy.

-Massimo shows Jimmy his new clawhands, even though I would have asked for fingers now, but I guess he is used to claws. What they should have done was took Stanley’s hands and given them to Jimmy on some Frankenstein shit, but what do I know?

Quite the body count in this episode of Freak Show, sort of similar to Coven‘s penultimate episode, “Go To Hell”. If we get some sort of Freak Olympics like we did in Coven‘s finale, I might throw my laptop out of the window. If I had to guess, I’d expect Freak Show‘s finale to be Dandy-heavy with a 68% chance of him dying. The twins gotta go too, because we already saw their body in the museum, but with the curator dead now, is that still even a thing? Please, Freak Show, end the streak of terrible American Horror Story finales. We’re all counting on you.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E11 – Magical Thinking

American Horror Story: Freak Show returns for its stretch run and while I thought there was only one episode left after “Magical Thinking”, it turns out there are two. This is important because there was no way they could successfully wrap this up in one more episodes. Let’s go…..

-We find out that, two days ago (from what, I’m still not sure), Stanley is still tryna chat up Jimmy in jail, and Stanley throws out the plan that Jimmy could afford a good lawyer if he gives up his left hand. If he doesn’t, Stanley tells him he could end up like Meep, which is very likely, and he gives Jimmy a bottle of something. We all know they won’t end well, and of course, Jimmy starts puking right away, and Stanley starts yelling at the guard to get an ambulance there. I’m still not sure what to think of Denis O’Hare. I don’t know if he’s good, or he’s good in something as ridiculous as AHS.

-Stanley obviously has an ambulance on deck, driven by the fake doctor that couldn’t remember his lines from a few episodes ago, and he puts Stanley under so they can start. Jimmy wakes up in a hospital and realizes that something happened, and he needs something for the pain, but the nurse is like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP, you killed one of my homegirls at the tupperware party massacre. Poor Jimmy; mufucka is in too much pain to say, “IT WASN’T ME”. He looks down and notices that he is missing not just one, but two hands. Because why wouldn’t Stanley take both hands? How are people still trusting this dude? Anyway, welcome back, American Horror Story.

-The twins are happy, completely down with the freak show way of life. Dot has what I think is a beer or some sort of alcohol, Bette is making dirty jokes, and the plan is that they’re tryna have sex with someone. They don’t even need the diaries anymore because they’re that content with life now on some “Twins Gone Wild” shit. They walk into the big top to find a new person who just had to see what the freak show was all about: Chester Creb, who handles lizards apparently, he was in the Army and does some magic as well. Neil Patrick Harris finally makes his AHS appearance and I heard a while ago that he was gon’ be on, but I forgot about it until we saw his name in the opening credits. He also has a thing for magic in real life, I learned from his Nerdist Podcast episode. So you obviously have to think something is up with him because NPH isn’t playing a bit character. He is also a travelling salesman, and Dot says in her head, “you know what they say about them”. Um, what DO they say about travelling salesmen? And now that I think about it……Theo Huxtable (I can’t remember dude’s AHS name for the life of me) is also a travelling salesman….he and Chester on some tag-team shit?

-Dell goes to visit Jimmy in the hospital, and Michael Chilikis does some good overacting when he realizes what is going on with Stanley and Jimmy’s lack of hands. Dell tells him the story of why he doesn’t have the lobster claws, although his pops and brother did, and was chastised for being normal, so he booked when jimmy was born. Meanwhile, Jimmy is looking at his food like, hey, a little help here. It was a nice moment and all, but Dell killing Ma Petite destroys any sympathy you might have for him.

-Chester does his magic act for Elsa, who is looking to sell the freak show, remember, but she isn’t feeling the magic act. What she is feeling, however, is his organizational skills and she asks him to join the show as a de facto accountant. We also find out that Chester has some ventriloquist skills and a doll named Marjorie, who is very, um, involved in his life. After his little spiel about joining a family, he goes back to his trailer and we find out that Marjorie speaks, and I just can’t figure out where her voice is from…….until my homegirl blurts out, “PRETTY GIRL!”. BAM…..it’s Jamie Brewer, also known as the young daughter from Murder House (she just wanted to be a pretty girl, you know), and Nan from Coven. Well done, Ryan Murphy, well done.

-Then Paul walks in and is like, uhhhhhhhhhh, I heard voices, bruh, and Chester gives him some shit about rehearsing. Paul doesn’t buy it at all like, this mufucka is crazy as shit. But then we get a shot of Chester looking in a mirror, and the human version of Marjorie is behind him, but then he turns around and she is a doll again, but giggling. Oh man…….OH MAN.

-Dell runs up on Elsa, who is packing up her things with Eve, and he tells her what Stanley has done with Jimmy’s hands, but Elsa ain’t tryna hear it and kicks him out. Eve follows him and she’s willing to overlook their past beef as she wants to help Dell out with the Stanley situation. Dell knows how Eve gets down and ain’t tryna get that ass kicked again, so he’s down with the plan.

-The twins are chillin’ when Chester  comes by their trailer, and he comes by with some magic tricks. They’re all amazed by his tricks, or they’re just acting so they can get what they want, which is the D. But he has other ideas as Chester tells them that he found some old props, and one of them is the box from the saw-mufuckas-in-half trick (that is the technical name for it, I looked). He explains to them how it works and that he wants them to be his assistants, because they’re beautiful and such. My question is, why is he wearing so much makeup during the trick? I didn’t know magicians needed that much makeup, but whatever. We go to one of his flashbacks from when Chester was in the Army, and there are two women making out on a bed, so he is comfortable with threesomes……but, um, yeah, he is sitting in the corner with Marjorie the doll, just watching. Nah…..not creepy at all, jeez.

-The cops are taking Jimmy out of the hospital and back to the station, when their truck is attacked by Dell and Eve, who stands in the middle of the road to throw a brick through the window, then jumps out of the way in some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if CGI is even the right term, but it was so ridiculously awesome, even better the second time around. Dell beats the dogshit outta one cop with a crowbar while Eve sorts the other one out, and they get Jimmy outta dodge.

-The twins are playin’ that sexy music, getting ready to visit Chester , who is talking to Marjorie and I’m so confused as to who can hear her. Is it all in his head? Can other people hear it? I think the latter is true because Paul said he heard voices, but you never know with American Horror Story. Even the twins are like, that is excellent how you can throw your voice like that and Chester is like, uuuuuuh, yeah, that was me. Anyway, the twins don’t waste any time and ask him if he’ll take their virginity. Chester is down, but he starts to get a headache and a piercing noise comes out of nowhere. Go to another flashback, and the women are making out again while he watches with the doll, and the women are like, okay, you need to get rid of that shit. We learn that it is his wife, who started a lesbian relationship while he was in the war, and his wife’s girlfriend was like, I’ma make these two fingers disappear….IN YOUR WIFE. And again, with the piercing noise. The twins are like, we know what will help with that: tittays. They place his hand on their chest and things are about to get poppin’, but Chester is like, I need the doll and they’re like, man, whatever, let’s just do this, weirdo. So, the sex gets had on the floor.

-SPLIT SCREEN SEX! Coming to the next edition of Grand Theft Auto, I bet.

-So, we head over to Mott Manor, where the cop that killed Precious for Dandy has done some investigating and tells Dandy that the twins are fuckin’ with Chester now. Dandy gets that murderous cry look going and keeps repeating, “they were supposed to be mine”. Oh yeah….mufuckas gon’ die.

-We get a cool nighttime shot of the freak show, and Chester is tryna put Marjorie in a box, and she is not having it at all. Go back to another flashback of his wife’s girlfriend, who hid Marjorie and starts shitting on dude for still wearing his uniform four years later, and needing a doll to get an erection. He doesn’t care about his wife cheating, this woman destroying his entire existence, just give him the doll back. He looks over the woman’s shoulder and sees human Marjorie saying they need to get rid of her and his wife, then Paul walks in like, dude, if you can stop talkin’ to yourself for one friggin’ minute, Elsa wants to talk to you. Good Lord, Chester’s character is a hot mess.

-Turns out Elsa wants to sell the freak show to Chester before she leaves, but he wants to make Marjorie the headliner and not only that, he wants to give her Elsa’s room. Jessica Lange’s face during this entire scene is priceless. Lookin’ at Chester like, you wanna do what for this doll, now? Word? WORD?

-Chester goes back to his trailer and Marjorie is gone again, which is great timing because the cops roll up to the freak show looking for Jimmy after the Dell/Eve escape. They’re pissed because cops are dead, and they encounter Chester’s crazy ass yelling about them finding the doll and again, Elsa is like, is this guy fucking serious? The cops are like, wayament, dude is talking about a fucking doll? Chester stumbles off and Elsa is like, look what I gotta deal with. The cops proceed to start tearing the freak show apart.

-Chester is looking for Marjorie throughout the freak show, and he runs into Dandy on the carousel. Dandy’s fur pimp coat might turn out to be one of the top five things that come out of Freak Show, like he just came back from asking bitches where his money was at. Anyway, he feels into Chester being delusional and Dandy has really done his background work or should I say, the cop did. He found out that Chester’s wife and girlfriend were killed by Chester, who told the cops that Marjorie did it and now he is on the run. However, we see that Chester walked into a bloody bedroom where human Marjorie had beaten them with a hammer because they should have let them join in; they should have been included. Hey bruh, Pretty Girl just wanted in on this threesome. Even Dandy looks at Chester like, that’s pretty fucked up, b. That is when you KNOW you’re crazy.

-The way Dandy says, “what a sicko”, right before the cop tells him about the murder was so fucking good. Finn Wittrock, bruh. Dude is a beast in this role.

-Dandy tells Chester that Marjorie is in the big top and there she is, eating grapes and shit. She demands to get top billing, but not only that, she orders Chester to saw the twins in half. Basically, she did the dirty work last time, it’s his turn. I’m thinking she is like his dark passenger, like in Dexter. Also, with NPH in the house, we’re about to get the musical number to end all AHS musical numbers.

-Maggie shows up in Elsa’s room, saying she has something to show her. Meanwhile, Desiree is waiting for Dell in his trailer, and she has a gun, saying they have a lot to talk about. He admits killing the cops when he broke Jimmy out, but Desiree is like, you did some other shit, too. While this is going on, we see Maggie leading Elsa to the jar that has Ma Petite in it, and Desiree gets Dell to cop to that as well. That’s all Elsa needed to hear, because she shoots Dell in the back of the head.

-Apparently, this morbidity museum doesn’t have a lick of security, because you can just walk the fuck out with a jar containing a dead little person.

I definitely like this episode better after the second time I watched it, and I think it’s because I know there are two episodes left after this instead of one. That means a little more time to flesh out this Chester storyline, but AHS is notorious for bringing some new shit with like, two episodes to go, and then the conclusion feels rushed.

Our AHS crew also asks the question of Elsa and the connection to Asylum, which we saw in “Orphans”. Does Elsa go crazy after moving to Hollywood and end up as the nun at Briarcliff? After Ep.10, none of that shit is off the table in American Horror Story: Freak Show.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E10 – Orphans

The 10th episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show, “Orphans”, packed a lot into an extended episode. We got a few backstories, confirmation that the creators, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, are indeed calling back to the past editions of the show, a few old faces return and it was actually well written. Let’s go……..

-I never knew his name, but Salty has died in his sleep and Pepper is a mess, which is fair enough as the two were basically inseparable. Elsa says he dies of a stroke, but I don’t believe and just then, Stanley approaches her, so I definitely don’t believe her. He tells her he received a telegram from the TV network saying that Elsa has to go to Hollywood in three weeks, so she needs her rest, but Elsa wants to take care of Pepper, which also means Salty’s body. Stanley says he’ll take care of it, which means cutting his head off and sending it to the morbidity museum. So, that is two weeks in a row that a head is cut off before we get to the opening credits of Freak Show, and I wanna say it’s the third beheading of the season along with Ethel and Gloria Mott.

-Desiree reads Pepper a story and then tries to leave to prepare for her show, but Pepper throws a fit and starts breaking stuff. Desiree asks her if she is done yet and orders her to clean everything up, because Angela Bassett is not here for your shit. Ms. Bassett has been underused after wreckin’ shop on Coven. She looks like she’s about to give Pepper some sympathy until Pepper throws shit in HER direction and she’s like, nah, bruh, not here. Dell tries to interrupt during this exchange and beg for Desiree back, but again, she’s not here for your shit. She all but says, dude, you like penis, go do that.

-She goes to Elsa’s trailer to tell her about Pepper, which sparks Elsa to tell Desiree about Pepper’s story. Elsa wanted to start her own freak show and needed to find freaks, so she went to the place where people throw away what they don’t want: an orphanage. She finds Pepper and starts playing with her, and takes her to the show (just walking her out of the orphanage because the adoption process wasn’t shit back then, apparently), where Pepper starts dancin’ around, partyin’ like shit. I’m not sure what was entertaining about this to people, but I’ll let it rock because Pepper is one of the few genuinely good and pure things left on Freak Show, which scares me that she’ll die. She was also left at the orphanage by her sister, but more on that later.

-We also learn the story of Ma Petite, who came with a Maharaja that came to see the show, and Elsa wanted her, but the leader was like, nah. So, she offers him a Dr. Pepper…..and he loves it so much that he trades Ma Petite for three cases of the shit. Now, if I’m following this great leader, I’m like, dude, your negotiation skills are terrible. But Elsa gets what she wants and Pepper has to look after her, which gives her a purpose. Then Salty comes from a boys home in Cincinnati, and Elsa marries the two eerily similar people. This story in a nutshell is why you love American Horror Story. Desiree tells Elsa that she has to take Pepper to her sister since she has lost Salty, Ma Petite and Elsa will be off to Hollywood soon, and Elsa reluctantly agrees.

-Desiree comes through Maggie’s tent with her new man, Angus (THEO HUXTABLE), and we learn that Angus is a travelling salesman. Now, I have written down, “does Theo know about the triple-tittay action?” and literally, two seconds later, Desiree saunters on stage just shakin’ and swingin’ them shits, so I wrote, “well, there goes that”. Then Maggie goes on a rant about everything is going to go downhill for Angus and Desiree, and the two storm out of the tent, but Angus says something about being a Christian and not believing in future-telling. I wonder if there is anything in the Bible about messin’ with three-tittied ladies with crazy genitalia, but hey, believe what you wanna, bruh.

-Desiree finds Maggie, drunk, on the carousel to find out what the hell that was all about, and Maggie decides to spill that she and Stanley are working together, not to kill freaks and sell them, but to pickpocket the freak show customers. Then she tells the story of how they met as she was selling newspapers, but would steal shit as well. She gets picked up by a cop, who is played by Brandon Stacy, who myself and my homegirl Lindsay SWORE we saw before as Bloody Face from Asylum, but I looked through his credits and it wasn’t him; he was played by Zachary Quinto, who hasn’t been in AHS since. But Quinto played Spock in the new Star Wars movies; Stacy played Spock in something called Star Trek New Voyages: Phase II. This is JUST getting started.

-Back to Maggie, she rolls with Stanley because he saves her from being arrested, and the two form their team. Desiree puts two and two together that freaks have been dying since they arrived and even though Maggie denies it, Desiree doesn’t trust her at all. Maggie bails to her tent, but finds Bette and Dot, who give her money to get Jimmy out of jail since people won’t take too kindly to them. Seems like they have a plan of some sort; I just want them to kick Maggie’s ass.

-Stanley visits Jimmy in jail and gives him some story about being an orphan as well, and asks Jimmy if he killed those women. Jimmy says he doesn’t remember as he was quite drunk, but can you kill nine women at once and not remember? Anyway, Stanley says he can get a lawyer, but he needs money and Jimmy doesn’t have any. He then leaves, but comes back and says he has an idea of how to raise the money, and looks at Jimmy’s lobster hands. Them shits probably go for a pretty penny.

-Maggie finds Desiree the next day and begs her to come to the morbidity museum because she is done with the lies, and Desiree doesn’t believe her at first, until she sees Ma Petite’s body, followed by Salty’s head. But the kicker is seeing Jimmy’s hands, and Maggie is like, nah, this has gone too far now. There are a ton of questions going on via text, namely if Jimmy would bleed out and how the hands got there that fast, but now I conclude that it’s American Horror Story and logic is for suckers. Also, Angela Bassett vs. Emma Roberts in an acting match is like me against Mike Tyson in his prime. And the thing is, Roberts was probably at her very best in this episode.

-Elsa takes Pepper to her sister in Massachusetts, and her sister, Rita, is played by Mare Winningham, who isn’t even listed in the IMDB for this episode. But she was in Coven for a couple episodes (she was Evan Peters’ mother who molested him) and she has been in a ton on TV and movies, so it continues. She’s a wicked bitch, but also, something doesn’t sit well with me. She messes up the “clogged pipes” line when telling Elsa why she couldn’t have children, and she walks away talking to herself. Something is amiss.

-Elsa then says goodbye to Pepper, and a brotha got all in his feelings. This is the first time this season that Elsa has been worth a damn and she is genuinely sad to be doing this, and even though it is selfish because she has to do what is best for her, Elsa still has ties to Pepper, who was her first freak. It’s pretty heartbreaking, especially when you know that Rita doesn’t give nary damn about Pepper.

-We come back from commercial and Rita is speaking to someone about her troubles with Pepper, and how she had a child that had something wrong with it, but it never says what and we never find out. But we do find out that someone is Sister Mary Eunice……who is played by Lily Rabe, and I start partyin’. She is one of a few that has been in all four seasons of AHS, along with Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, Evan Peters and Frances Conroy. Rabe played the Sister Mary role in Asylum, and she was Nora in Murder House and Misty in Coven (although the Stevie Nicks thing got real weird, real fast). So obviously, the two are speaking at Briarcliff, which is the setting for Asylum.

-A little aside: I heard that all of the AHS seasons were connected somehow, but I never knew that Ryan Murphy purposely did it, and this smacked me in the face. Again, my homegirl called it earlier in the episode with the orphanage, but a lot happened in this hour and I never thought much of it until we saw Sister Mary, and for as nonsensical and ridiculous as American Horror Story is, to make all these connections between four stand-alone seasons takes a lot of skill. Well done, Murphy (Falchuk too, I guess, but I’ve read Murphy is the driving force. Maybe he’s the one who does all the interviews and such, but Falchuk has written and directed his share of AHS episodes).

-Anyway, Rita tells about her home life, which she makes seem is hell for her, but really, she is lying in bed, making Pepper take care of her deformed baby while fixing her martinis, and she accuses Pepper of trying to seduce her husband, who is a dick in his own right and comes up with a plan to kill either Pepper or the baby, or both, it isn’t clear at first. So what he does, is drown the baby after kicking Pepper out of the nursery, and the couple frame Pepper for the murder, which is how Rita comes to bring her to Briarcliff. We see Pepper in a strait jacket, banging her head in sadness against a wall, when Sister Mary comes into her room and after a conversation about the baby, she sees remorse in Pepper. Sister Mary wants to make Pepper her redemption project and takes Pepper to the messy library, where she teaches her to pile up magazines such as Readers’ Digest, National Geographic and Time. Pepper is Rain Man with that shit, but as the episode ends, we see her picking up an issue of Time…..that has Elsa on the cover, and Elsa is now a huge TV star.

I’m putting “Orphans” up in the all-time pantheon episodes of American Horror Story, and while there have been a couple episodes this season that have been very good, they’re not topping this, and if you would have told me that an episode about Pepper would steal the season, I would have called you a liar. Pepper gave Elsa humanity after a season of being just awful, and she really tied together all of the AHS seasons with old faces coming back, and hell, she made me want to go back and watch Asylum; not to mention, they gave Angela Bassett some burn after I said she was underused this season. If you bailed on Freak Show before this episodes, I really don’t blame you, but I recommend “Orphans” highly. The only problems are that we now have to wait until January 7th for a new episode due to the holidays (because nothing says Merry Christmas like American Horror Story), and the sinking feeling that this could be the peak before a disaster of a finale.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E9 – Tupperware Party Massacre

We got a little bit of everything in “Tupperware Party Massacre”, the latest edition of American Horror Story: Freak Show, and really, I mean everything. We get murder, we get tears, we get all sorts of sex, more genitalia questions, more characters and of course, tupperware. Shoutout to FX Canada getting their shit together and fixing the sound by 9:00 PM, although it was always good to reassemble with the crew and catch up. Let’s go…..

-We open with Maggie reading Dandy’s fortune, and we learn that Dandy has been busy as he discovered the greatness of blood baths. He killed an Avon lady and then got his Frankenstein on, sewing her head on his mother’s body as an ode to the twins, Bette and Dot, and we can only assume he bathed in that blood, too. She tells him everything will be fine and he gives her a $100 bill, but Dandy kinda grabs her hand and Maggie is like, you need to leave, playboy. If she can tell fortunes, she can surely tell that he is a murderous, blood-bathing, vein-poppin’ lunatic, right?

-Then we see Jimmy, who has linked up with Ima, the big girl, and he is just shovelling chocolate pudding into her face. He hits her with, for my money, the line of the season so far, possibly on all of TV: “If you want it long and hard, I need you soft and wide”. I need to know how many takes that took, because it had to take Evan Peters at least 14 takes to not laugh when he said that. And holy shit, she is BIG. She has taken to the freak show very quickly, though.

-But we also learn that Jimmy has been doing a lot of drinking since Ethel died, and he freaks out when he sees Dandy, telling him that he knows he was the other clown with Twisty, but no one really believes him because he is a drunken mess. He tries to punch Dandy and falls the fuck over like a Portuguese soccer player (I love soccer, I can make those jokes, but shit happens sometimes). Dandy bends down and tells Jimmy that he is a god, and since he took the twins, he is basically aiming to take Jimmy’s soul and whatever is left of his dignity. Go for the first one, Dandy, because there isn’t much left of the latter.

-Stanley and Elsa have formed quite the team after taking out Ethel as they’ve managed to track down the twins in a motel, and I’ma be honest, I had NO idea where they even were. Stanley tells them that they found a doctor to perform their surgery, and they might want to seriously consider it as an angry mob formed to kill Ethel and they’re out for the freaks. The twins look perturbed. Sarah Paulson is good as shit, man. More on that later.

-Desiree and Maggie are walking around when they run into, hey, look, Malcolm Jamal-Warner! Dude is getting all the FX work lately as he was on Sons Of Anarchy (he said like, four lines, but whatever, it counts), and good for him; things aren’t going too well for his TV dad, so someone has to carry on the Huxtable name (Lisa Bonet was on New Girl this season). Anyway, Maggie learns quickly that he (his name is Angus T. Jefferson, which sounds like a new burger at McDonalds) and Desiree know each other and gives them a minute, which turns into nothing, but he’ll be back.

-Maggie and Desiree walk in on Jimmy giving Ima the business, and they kinda sit there and watch for a minute like it is a zoo. Then Maggie remembers like, hey, I used to bang him, and goes in on Ima, calling her a pillow and a donut (and something else), basically, a hole to stick something in. Jimmy tries to retort, but he throws up instead. Dude is not having a good day so far.

-So, he decides to take a trip into town to visit the housewives who pay him to pleasure them during their “tupperware parties”, but apparently he can’t even do that anymore, but then he starts hallucinating and seeing his dead mother, who is chastising him for becoming a fuckup, and he starts crying, only to realize that he is doing this in some stranger’s lap and they’re like, yeah, you need to get the fuck out, b. I’d like to say things can’t get much worse for Jimmy, but…..

-He leaves, and right after, the doorbell rings and it is Dandy, who gives the lady of the house some story about his car breaking down. They let him in, and as we’re watching, the crew is like, is he gon’ kill all the women?

-The husband comes home to a whole bunch of smeared blood everywhere, and yeah, Dandy killed ALL OF THE WOMEN, B. ALL OF THEM. They’re all floating in the pool and you know Dandy got his Michael Phelps on. I’ll personally buy the DVD if they include how he pulled this off. I just picture him running around gleefully, slicing everyone to pieces. But seriously, there were like, nine of them. Good grief.

-Stanley and Elsa take the twins to some bum-ass barn with a table on it, and he tells them that the doctor in question (Dr. Sugar) has the operation down to a tee and the twin that died in the previous operation passed of a rare infection. Neither of them seem to believe him, especially Bette, but she tells her sister that she is willing to sacrifice herself if Dot really wants the surgery. This is as real and emotional as you’re going to get in American Horror Story, and the fact that it’s Sarah Paulson having this conversation with herself as Bette, willing to lay her life on the line in a bullshit surgery for her selfish-ass sister, who realizes that she is a selfish ass, and the tears dripping off her nose, and she is holding her own hand, and Dot hits that, “If it comes to it…if they had to make a choice during surgery that only one of us would live…then I wanna give my life to you, sister.”….MAN, LISTEN. I swear I will fight every single person on the Emmy board if Sarah Paulson doesn’t get it this season. In fact, Finn Wittrock as Dandy should probably in the Supporting Actor category as well, and that’s all fine and good. But I will throw a car into a river if Sarah Paulson doesn’t get the Actress award for this.

-Speaking of Mr. Wittrock, he is getting ready for another soothing blood bath and in walks Regina, who doesn’t seem to notice all the blood somehow. She tells Dandy that she has contacted the cops about her mother’s disappearance and he is like, so fuckin’ what? He tells her that he is a god and not only did he kill Regina’s mother, but his mother, the Avon lady, shit, he might have copped to killing George Washington and Hitler as well, he told her EVERYTHING. Then he gets naked and asks her to join him in the tub of blood to get in on these powers, and I’m like, I have no idea how both of them are fitting in that tub, and I’m kinda interested to see how that works. She FINALLY notices the blood and she should probably die at this point, but he tells her to get out before he does kill her. Then he starts screaming about being above the law, all while naked, mind you. This dude Dandy, bruh. Greatness in a swaddle of insanity.

-Stanley finds Dell stumbling along drunkenly and asks him if he is going to the gay bar he frequents. Then outta nowhere, Stanley pulls that thang out and starts stroking it and making all sorts of cock jokes, asking Dell if he wanted to touch it and he’s never half-cocked and you should see it when it’s angry. Anything to make Dell uncomfortable and push him closer to the edge, even though this would have been the perfect time for Dell to just snap this dude’s neck.

-Dell is writing what we believe to be a suicide note to Jimmy as he is racked with guilt over his role in Ma Petite’s death and he should, because he is a piece of shit for that. He has a noose in his kitchen and then sees Ethel, who basically calls him a coward and to just do it, step by step. Dell also can’t deal with being a freak and Ethel tells him that he holds everything inside, which isn’t working out for him, but I also have to wonder if he’s ashamed of being gay as well, because he obviously likes the penis. Oh yeah, he also sees Ma Petite and I have to wonder, the fuck are these mufuckas drinking to see all these hallucinations? He’s just a mess, so he feels the need to do this and he actually goes through with it, but Desiree walks in at the last minute and cuts him down. What a punk this so-called strongman is.

-Stanley is in a motel room with a dude who is trying to play this Dr. Sugar role, and he stinks at knowing his lines. Stanley is like, whatever man, and gets a blowjob anyway. I’m still convinced there is something going on down there with Stanley and it’s not the size. TEETH, MUFUCKAS. TEETH.

-Regina shows up at Dandy’s crib with Detective Colquitt, and I learned from the American Horror Story Wikia that he is probably the same character from a couple episodes in the Murder House season. There have been a bunch of theories that all of these AHS seasons are connected somehow, and at first, I thought it was bullshit, but I’m coming around on it and I’ll expand on that when I figure it out. Anyway, Colquitt is like, yo, she is accusing you of being a killer and Dandy is like, yeah, I did it and I’ll get away with it because I’m rich as all the fucks and not only that, you’re going to kill her and bury the body for me because I’ll give you a cool million dollars, straight cash, homie (word to Randy Moss). With no hesitation at all, Colquitt turns to shoot Regina in the head and asks Dandy if he has a shovel. Because if there is one more thing we need to see on American television, it’s another corrupt cop.

-Bette and Dot track down Jimmy and goes on a big speech about how she has loved him since she laid eyes on him and he never looked at her as a freak, and then takes off her robe and we’re all like, so how many tittays are there on her? I think we settled on two, but I mean, if Desiree has three and a giant clitoris, everything is on the table, I would think. Jimmy asks Bette if she is down with this and she’s like, sure, I’ll just close my eyes, but Dot is like, dude, there is another mouth! So what does Jimmy do? He turns it down because he’s a fuckass and is in love with someone else, which I think would be Maggie, but hell, he could be all about Ima now. There is also an outside chance that he is projecting his love for his mother on Ima because they are both larger and if Ima grows a beard, then I was right. THIS is the kinda shit that runs through my mind while watching American Horror Story.

-So, he leaves the twins in tears, but then the cops roll up and accuse him of the tupperware party massacre, saying they found his glove at the scene. Maggie tries to intervene, but that doesn’t work and they take Jimmy away. Dandy set the homie up, obviously because money talks and bullshit runs the marathon (word to New Jack City).

There are only three episodes left in Freak Show and the worry is that there is too much going on because we’ve seen this happen time and time again. Will Bette and Dot go through with the surgery (whether they like it or not)? How will the freaks get Jimmy out of jail? Just how many more people will Dandy and his police force kill? Why did Theo Huxtable randomly show up in episode nine? How the fuck was that doctor from last week? What about Penny and her father? Shit, what about Elsa in general? I was fine with this episode as I have been with all of them, but right about now, the concern kicks in that American Horror Story isn’t going to be able to wrap all this shit up.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E08 – Blood Bath

It seemed like much longer than two weeks off for American Horror Story: Freak Show; hell, I almost forgot what happened at the end of “Test Of Strength”. It has been kind of a busy week for TV, but AHS jumped back into the fray with “Blood Bath”, and it might have been the best episode of the season overall. Let’s go….

-We open with Gloria Mott, smoking and lying on a coach telling a doctor about Dandy, going back to his childhood when he tied up a little black girl and cut her hair. I didn’t get this off the first viewing, but could that have been Dora’s daughter?  I think I remember her saying to Gloria that she wasn’t around a lot as a mother, so that means she was around Dandy at some point. Anyway, he didn’t like the word “no”, he killed a cat and a kid that he used to kinda be friends with just disappeared. Imagine tryna set up a playdate for this crazy little bastard. The doctor, whose face we never see, asked if something happened recently and she was like, mother’s intuition. What a damn lie and even if it was intuition, your intuition sucks.

-Back at the freak show, the group is out in the woods tryna find Ma Petite, who of course was killed by Dell at the end of the last episode. Jimmy screams when he stumbles upon a box that has been buried with her new dress in it, and Dell says that it must have been a coyote or something. So, coyotes can undress people now? And then bury their dresses in boxes? Ethel is lookin’ around like, ain’t this a buncha bullshit.

-But instead, we find that Ethel believes it was Elsa who was behind the killing and not Dell. I don’t even know how she got to that point, but my homegirl Lindsay called right off the bat. She basically calls Elsa a fake, and Elsa responds by slapping all of the fire out of her face. But Ethel doesn’t stop there; she says Elsa feels threatened by anyone taking her spotlight, and the people loved Ma Petite. Elsa wants to bring the twins in to show she has some sort of heart, and Ethel goes to shoot her, but it is in her wooden leg, which garnered a good chuckle.

-Then Elsa goes into the story of how she got her legs, which came right after she was in her snuff film. They were made by a carpenter who wanted to work in films, and he made her a pair of legs in which we fully saw her stumps (more excellent work by the make-up/design team), and I wonder if she had been more popular because of them. The two seem to come to some kind of understanding and Elsa offers Ethel a drink, but Ethel doesn’t trust her like that and still pulls the gun on her. Elsa turns around with the quickness and throws a knife directly into her eye. She is quite a shot when she isn’t drunk or high (word to Paul, who has healed up quite nicely).

-Poor Ethel. She is right about something being devious about Ma Petite’s death, it was just misplaced. She also caught on to what Jimmy was saying about Elsa far too late, but I think killing Ma Petite was even too much for her triflin’ ass. Also, she died looking like she played running back for Pittsburgh or Green Bay, some sort of cold-weather football team. Bye, Ethel. We’ll miss your shitty Baltimore accent.

-At the big top, Maggie is crying and runs to Jimmy, where she tells the story of finding Ethel in a car that had been driven into a tree headfirst. She says it’s a suicide and Desiree tells everyone about Ethel’s cancer, so they just believe it. But she wonders why Ethel doesn’t have a head and it turns out that the scene was staged by Elsa and Stanley, who tied a chain around her neck and the other end to a tree. They had to get rid of the head because, well, Ethel had a knife in her eye. Then Elsa gets to sobbing like old black women at funerals, on some “TAKE ME, LAWD” shit. It was pretty good.

-Back at the Mott house, Gloria has a present for Dandy, but he has a present for her; Regina, Dora’s daughter, who wants to see her mother. Gloria comes up with some bullshit excuse about buying squash and Regina is like, nah, I’ll wait, and her and Dandy play a board game. Gaby Sidibe in the house, but I doubt she’ll be leaving the house. She looks like a black Veruca Salt that grew up to be an elementary school principal (again, text messages get used in these recaps).

-They bury Ethel and Jimmy starts reading poetry by Emily Dickinson, which she loved apparently. Everyone leaves except for Desiree, Eve (the tall lady that fucked Dell up), Suzi (the woman with no legs) and Penny (ol’ clown hairline tattoo face), and they come up with a plan to run up on Penny’s father under the guise of some “woman power” stuff. I’ll buy that. It is 1952, women weren’t looked at well by society, but women who were considered freaks for being tall and having all of the sexual organs and tattooed faces and no legs? Shit was probably all filled with struggle. So Angela Bassett gets mufuckas on some “Set It Off” shit and they’re gon’ be a problem.

-Dandy is at the doctor’s office (we still can’t see his face) and the doctor is asking him a bunch of questions about what he sees in a few pictures. Dandy replies with blood being smeared on walls and all kinds of shit that would make you think, hey, this mufucka kills people. He then throws some shit out about cannibals in Papau New Guinea that eat souls through the flesh and bathe in blood. Hold on to that…..

-He then goes home to yell at Gloria for sending him to a psychiatrist, but Regina is there and she will go to the cops if her mother isn’t back soon. So Dandy is like, I’ll go to this doctor for a month if you kill Regina. I’m not sure if this will work. Gloria is awful at telling lies, I doubt she is much better at murder.

-Elsa goes to a wellness center and finds a very fat lady who is trying to lose weight, but Elsa tells her about a place where being fat will make her the focus of positive attention. Then she eats a chocolate bar in front of her, because Elsa is an asshole.

-The revenge crew is gearing up for their plan, and there is a pot of black stuff bubbling on the stove as we jump to the girls breaking into Penny’s house, where her father wakes up and hears a noise. He grabs his shotgun and confronts Penny on the steps, but he gets jumped and Eve slings him over her shoulders on some wrestling shit.

-Elsa and Jimmy are at the big top and the latter is hammered, and Elsa introduces him to the new girl, Barbara. Elsa is tryna put these two together because I’m not quite sure she trusts Maggie like that, but Jimmy is still distraught over Ethel and yells about his family being broken. Jimmy is an absolute mess this season, b. Just awful. I’ve always had a problem with the characters Evan Peters plays on AHS anyway, but maybe I’ll save those for after the season.

-The women have Penny’s father undressed and tied up in a trailer, and the plan is to tar and feather him, cut off his penis and throw him in the swamp for the alligators. Penny jumped in and was like, yeah, I wanna do this because fuck him, and I’m ready for it. But Maggie hears some screams and runs in to stop it, saying that these women don’t know what they’ll turn into if they do something like this. Are we really taking morality lessons from Maggie? Apparently so, because Desiree decides to let him go, but not before Penny warns him to stay away from her or she’ll kill him. But can’t he just go to the cops anyway? Maggie said something about them going to jail, but that can easily happen anyway. And I don’t believe Maggie’s character. Like Evan Peters’ characters, I’m not sure about Emma Roberts’ characters, or maybe it’s just her as an actress (same with him).

-Gloria calls the doctor to say that Dandy won’t be coming to him again, and it seems like she is planning to send him away, which seems like a terrible idea. But Dandy overhears this and tells her that Dora told him the story when he was five, of his father, who is Gloria’s second cousin and used to kill young girls (or maybe it was molest them, but I’m going with kill because Dandy doesn’t seem like much of a molester, he’s all about that killin’). But apparently it was Gloria who was going away, and Dandy threatens suicide, to which his mother begs him not to do so because she won’t be able to live if he does it. So what does he do? Shoots her in the head. What the fuck did she was gon’ happen? Something logical? Jeez.

-Maggie runs up on Jimmy, who is drunk again and for someone who watched his mother drink a lot and says he doesn’t really like it, Jimmy has been drunk a lot this season on Freak Show. Anyway, Maggie asks him to sober up because they still have a plan to escape and he yells at her to get away from him because he ain’t shit. A special shoutout to when he was talkin’ about rolling up his feelings, and he was rollin’ his claw hands, I don’t know why, but that shit made me laugh for a minute. Anyway, Barbara was there the whole time and Jimmy just looks at her and then puts her head somewhere in the bosom area because she is all bosom and stomach, and starts to cry, and she’s like, fuck it, I’ll be a rebound. Ol’ girl caught that shit like Dennis Rodman, with a piece of chicken in her hand at the same damn time. I salute her.

-We close with Dandy walking up to a tub, and he gets into it as it is filled with, you guessed it, his mother’s blood. Subtlety isn’t a strong suit of American Horror Story; they’ll beat you over the face with that shit.

As I keep saying with this show, I’m not predicting anything that I think is going to happen, because it is impossible with AHS. Right now, the focus is on Dandy and where he ranks in the pantheon of AHS fuckery (I’ll figure that out during the holidays, but it’s high); I have a theory about how he’ll die, as well that involves Regina and revenge for cutting her hair, because you don’t fuck with black womens’ hair. Will Penny’s father go to the cops? Will Maggie come clean with everything she knows about Stanley? How will Dell die (brutally, I hope)? Who was Dandy’s doctor; they refused to show us his face for a reason. Oh, and this episode was so good that I didn’t even miss the twins, so you know they’ll be back next week. There seems to be just four episodes left in Freak Show (there might be five, you never know), and rest assured, they’ll be be messed up.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E07 – Test Of Strength

Another week, another episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show that pulls the rug out from under us, gets us drunk, tattoos our face and puts us in a jar. “Test Of Strength” was a test of not breaking something by the end of the night. Let’s go…..

-We begin with Jimmy at the Mott house, and he’s tryna convince Bette and Dot to come back to the freak show. Bette asks Jimmy who killed Twisty, and the wheels start turning for Jimmy, who should have guessed that Dandy was the other clown, but truth be told, Jimmy isn’t very bright. Then Dandy says something about the surgery Dot wants, which he only could have known from reading her diary, which sets her off and she wants to leave with Jimmy. Dandy pleads with Bette on some “but I love you giiiiiirrrrrlllll” shit, begging like Keith Sweat in his prime. But Dot chooses her sister and leaves with Bette, which is kinda hilarious because Dot is tryna get this surgery to throw Bette in the bushes.

-Gloria is looking like, aw shit, I gotta dig ANOTHER hole because Dandy is standing there with smoke coming out of his ears, his face getting more red by the second. His mad face game is unquestionably the best in the game.

-After the credits, I hear the first couple bars from Nirvana’s “Come As You Are” and instantly got my back up, but as much as I wanted to hate it…it was actually pretty good, definitely the best cover of the season. It’s a fitting song for a group of people that don’t for into society, and we see Penny taking care of Paul while Dell is at the gay bar, looking for whom I presume is the guy that Dandy killed. But on the low, Stanley is there watching Dell, plotting and scheming.

-Elsa tells Jimmy that the song might not be what they’re looking for (yet her bullshit song gets to stay, but whatever), and Jimmy is like nah, we don’t listen to liars, bringing up the twins. Then they come out and Elsa looks like she might faint, but strangely the twins flip the script on Jimmy and they don’t say they were sold to the Motts, but they were helped by Elsa. What are they planning? And that was cold as shit, making Jimmy look insane.

-Desiree and Ethel make a trip to the doctor, where they find a “Closed” sign, but they go inside to investigate anyway because fuck it. They find his daughter, who tells them he committed suicide because the freaks made him question his beliefs in religion and science. But here is the thing: he had broken hands, so how could he pull a trigger? We know Dell threatened him, and we know he has a temper. Keep that in your back pocket.

-Stanley is struggling at the Test of Strength game, the joint with the hammer and the bell and whatnot. Dell walks by him and Stanley drops all kinds of references to Dell being gay since he saw him at the bar, and Dell wants to get him, but Maggie comes by to make sure there is a witness. This should have been a hint for Dell, but like son, like father. Stanley takes Dell into the big top, where he has a gun and says he needs one of the freaks within a day. Again, another hint. Stanley even told Dell that Maggie saw them go in there. Strong as shit, dumb as a bag of dull rocks.

-Jimmy and Maggie are in bed and he is saying something about there being a bad feeling around the place. Maggie is like, yeah, I’m part of a plan to kill one of y’all, but I can’t tell you about it. The best part is that Jimmy is talking about Dandy and the twins, so he isn’t even concerned about Stanley.

-Dell is outside of the trailer of Eve the Amazon lady, pouring chloroform on a rag and the first thing I think is, this might not work out well for him. Yo….she is huge, b. Dell is a strongman, but Eve wakes up and she is no joke, squaring up with Dell and throwin’ a fantastic-looking jab. Then she wraps up by throwing Dell out of her trailer like Uncle Phil and Jazz in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

-Eve tells Ethel and Jimmy the story while icing her knuckles and Ethel is about that vigilante life; she ain’t tryna talk to the cops. Jimmy says that he’ll handle it, which gave me a good laugh because, well, we’ve already seen Dell kick Jimmy’s ass once this season; fuck is he gon’ do?

-The laughs continue as a civilian is tryna play the strongman game, but he’s weak and Dell is like, you can only get it halfway up there. You can’t tell me that someone didn’t know what they were doing when they included that line because as we know, Dell has an impotence problem (hilariously enough, prior to that, my friends and I were throwing around impotence jokes on group text before that scene; we should just write an episode, y’all). Anyway, Jimmy steps to Dell and says they need to talk, and Dell suggests they go for a drink.

-Elsa and the twins are in negotiations in Elsa’s tent, and their plan becomes clear: they want all of the things. Bette wants caviar for breakfast because she’s fancy now and 20% of the box office, but Dot ups that to 50% and they want the money now. Elsa is like, look at this bitch, and I think they settled on 30%. Elsa hides it well, but she has to be steaming.

-Jimmy gets a drink into him and starts snitching like shit, telling Dell all about the plans to get him out of the show because of what he tried with Eve. While Jimmy can’t keep secrets, he is opening up to Dell, who is getting a bit of that paternal instinct for him a minute. He even tells Jimmy to take off the mittens he is wearing to cover up his lobster hands and it’s funny that no one is questioning why a person is wearing gloves in Florida, but hey, details. Besides, if anyone says anything to Jimmy, Dell will kick their ass.

-Jimmy is a lightweight as he doesn’t drink much because of what it has done to Ethel, and he runs outside to throw up. He hits that drunk vomit cry that we have all done at some point (and you are a damn liar if you say you haven’t), and starts spilling more shit to Dell, who has rolled up on him with a brick. But Jimmy tells him he knows Dell is his father from stories he has heard from the old-timers in the freak show, and Dell doesn’t have the heart to go through with it. They hug and walk away on some Leave It To Beaver shit. I was mad initially at Jimmy for not noticing the brick, but he was pretty hammered and it is American Horror Story.

-They get back to camp in the morning, tore the fuck up and making enough noise to wake up Elsa and Desiree, who implores Jimmy to get away from him, but Jimmy got his daddy now and he ain’t tryna hear it. Jimmy passes out and Dell walks out to find Stanley, who reminds him of what is at stake. Stanley just needs to do this shit himself. He stays gettin’ mad at people for not being murderers.

-Penny sneaks into her house where her father is waiting for her, and she tells him that she is leaving to go be with Paul. Her pops is a prideful man and values his reputation, and he’ll do anything to protect it, so I figure he is about to kill her since this man kept a shotgun on her last week. However, he says he isn’t a murderer and brings out his friend Maurice, who has a gang of face tattoos and piercings. Where the hell did they find this cat?

-The twins are getting a makeover, well, Bette anyway. She got her makeup on and some new blonde hair, fancy as shit. But she starts throwing all of the shade at Dot, saying that they can be a before-and-after commercial now with Dot being the plain “before” part and Dot is lookin’ like, I’ma kill you. Elsa slips a note into Dot’s pocket, which she reads later in bed and basically, Elsa asks her why she wants so much money, so Dot says it is her find a surgeon to separate her from Bette, so she wants Elsa to help her. Elsa says Bette can trust her to be of help, and I laughed.

-Elsa and Stanley are having dinner, well, Stanley is as he eats all of his food, as well as Elsa and a pie or a cake that Ethel brought in. Even Elsa looks at him like, you got a tapeworm, bruh? Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but this could be a thing down the road, like he has something living in his stomach. OR DOWN HIS PANTS. That’s my theory, dammit. Yo, we’ve seen a dude with a face on the back of his head in this show, I dare you to tell me I’m crazy. I don’t even know what he and Elsa were talking about anymore. Something about TV, I assume. I don’t care. He got teeth down his pants somewhere.

-Back at Penny’s, she is passed out on the couch because Penny stays gettin’ roofied. Her father wakes her up and she sees that Maurice has tattooed her entire face, which is wild, but they forked her tongue, b. THAT was unnecessary. Her father is on some “you wanna be a freak, here ya go” shit, and he has become quite a scumbag in his short amount of screen time.

-Dell sneaks into Ma Petite’s trailer and immediately, I was like, nah, why don’t y’all leave her alone. He brought her a dress and she is all smiling, squeaky voice and all. She goes to give him a hug to say thank you for the dress, and he proceeds to squeeze the life out of her. Her little fingers were clawing as hard as she could, but eventually, she dies and he says sorry, but fuck your apology. Big man picking on the worlds smallest woman, but I suppose after you got that ass whipped, you had to do something. Meanwhile, our group text is filled with cussing and wishing painful death on Dell. The odds-on favorite so far is Ethel, because she is dying and ain’t got shit to lose, and she knows Dell ain’t shit. The second is all the women ganging up on him, which would be fitting because we know Dell hates women.

-Penny rolls up on Paul to show her new face and he cries, so he’ll be out for revenge. Apparently, they also gave her the George Jefferson cut because her hairline is all. the way back.

-The museum gets their treasure: Ma Petite in a jar of formaldehyde. Fuck Dell, fuck Stanley, fuck the museum, fuck Maggie for keeping this secret and fuck whoever makes these big-ass jars.

Well, Dell has moved to the front of the pack for the worst character in the history of American Horror Story for that. The rest of the freaks will put two and two together, so that is worth watching. Stanley will get greedy and want more, while Dandy is probably still standing in the same spot, fuming, and the whole Elsa-and-the-twins situation. The Freak Show rolls on.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E06 – Bullseye

“Bullseye” picks up Freak Show right where American Horror Story‘s fourth series left off, and my big questions are answered immediately, kinda: what is Elsa gon’ do now that her TV dreams have been thrown in the bushes, and what happened to the twins? Let’s go…

-Elsa is getting some of her staff to roll a big-ass wheel into the main room, and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but could the freak show have a creepier entrance? A giant devil’s head with some wild eyes, and y’all wonder why people don’t come to see you? Jeez. Get them in the show, THEN scare them, but I mean, my freak show experience is minimal, so what do I know?

-The wheel is for Elsa’s throwing knives act, which she used to do back in the day, she tells Ethel. This is for the television show, she says, but didn’t Stanley leave with the twins to end that dream? She looks far too high to be throwing knives, though. Keep that in the back of your mind. Elsa be lookin’ disheveled as shit.

-At the Mott house, which scares me more than the freak show, Gloria and Dandy are having some sort of meal, and Gloria gives her son what I think are matches and I was like, oh great, give the guy ammo. But nope, they’re condoms apparently, because Gloria doesn’t want him breeding because of the whole “incest bloodline making him murderous” thing. Dandy rejects them and says that he is all about that raw life and he is in love with Bette and Dot, who are at his house and I am so confused about what happened at the end of the last episode. But I know how AHS rolls, and rule #4 of AHS is, forget what happened in the last episode. Anyway, Dandy tryna get this threesome poppin’, although the twins are bending all the definition rules of threesomes (number of heads/holes/limbs, all sorts of questions here).

-It is also Elsa’s born day, and she is receiving twins, one of which is Ma Petite in a box in a sweater. Elsa looks a hot mess because, well, opium, but she does manage to notice that the freaks don’t look happy. They miss the twins, which certainly pisses Elsa off, and she demands they have fun because, dammit, she is,

-She is in bed with Paul, tattooed cuz with the seal arms, and apparently they’ve been doin’ the business for a minute now. She also doesn’t have her legs on, and the idea of them having sex opens up a whole ‘nother box of questions, but I can’t explain at least three of them without a drawing. She also says something about Paul visiting her in Hollywood, because Elsa is fucking delusional. Then Paul hands Ma Petite to Elsa, and I hope she ain’t have to see/hear all that.

-However, Paul has other plans as he is sneaking away to be with Penny, the nurse Elsa drugged in the first episode. Apparently, the opium opened her up to that freak life, but Paul won’t sleep with her because he wants her to love him for him, which is admirable, I guess. But he has to hide when Penny’s father comes to her room. More on THAT mufucka in a bit.

-Dandy is tryna get on the twins’ good side by making them all of the food (well, the Motts’ chef), and Bette loves the cavier, but Dot isn’t really feeling Dandy. That is, until Dandy tells them about a successful surgery separating a pair of Siamese twins. Dot is like, well shit, I can’t afford this, but Dandy can, so I’ll play nice. Then she dreams of being comforted by Jimmy over the death of her sister after the separation, which is some cold, cold shit. I have three takeaways from this: Sarah Paulson continues to be great and my Emmy agenda has been shifted into another gear, Dandy might say fuck it and separate them himself, and these twins have awful taste in men.

-Paul goes to a drugstore to buy some perfume, and he sees Dandy, who is buying two of everything, all girl stuff. Paul puts two and two together, but Dandy tells the store owner that the freak is bothering him and he might have stole something, because Paul has such a reach on him. Paul leaves and spits on the window, and I fucks with that dude.

-Paul goes back to tell Jimmy about what he saw, but Jimmy ain’t tryna hear it, which is funny because he was tryna leave like, three eps ago. Paul tells Jimmy that Elsa isn’t what she seems, spittin’ that truth.

-The twins find out that one of the twins from the surgery has died, and they start mind-talking to each other. Dandy thinks they shouldn’t have secrets, and tells them that he was the one who killed Twisty, but Dot not only declines to tell him a secret, but tells him that Jimmy was the real hero. Dandy freaks the fuck out because she isn’t playing by his fuckass rules, and he doesn’t like being told no. Son’s head starts to shake and shit. If this ain’t a hint and a half for their ass that this dude is NUTS.

-Stanley and Maggie meet, and Stanley is all about that paper, coming up with a plan to cut off Jimmy’s lobster hands and sell them to that museum. But Maggie is all sweet on Jimmy now and instead, wants to sacrifice Ma Petite. We see a disturbing dream sequence that involves Ma Petite, formaldehyde and a big-ass jar. Where are these jars coming from? They got a Costco in 1952 Jupiter, Florida?

-Elsa is singing a song for Paul, who is tryna get outta there and see Penny, and she notices that he smells like perfume that isn’t hers. She flips out and wants to know who it is, and he is like, fuck you, where are the twins? This sets her off and Elsa wants everyone awake because they have been talking shit behind her back, and she calls them, “ungrateful ingrates”, which tells you how mad she was because that is redundant as shit. Jimmy tries to calm her down, but Elsa says that if they trust her, someone will get on her knife wheel. Jimmy says he’ll do it, but Paul does it since he started this whole thing.

-So, Paul gets on this wheel, getting knives thrown at him by high-ass Elsa, who progressively looks like someone you’d see on Cops. Of course, she doesn’t hit him with the first two knives, but she nails him in the stomach with the third and doesn’t look like she gives a damn. Ol’ girl might have even smiled. Dat opium, bruh.

-Penny tries to sneak out to see Paul, but her father stops her with a shotgun because it could have been a burglar. They argue because Penny wants to go out and experience life, and her father is too strict. She eventually leaves, but here is the thing: even after he knows it is Penny, her father keeps the shotgun pointed at her. She might have a point. Who does that? Keep an eye on him going forward. Son might run up in the freak show on some Rambo shit.

-Maggie grabs Ma Petite and takes her to Stanley’s barn, and I can’t front, I was cookin’ off Ma Petite. Maggie told her to get in a jar, and Ma Petite was like, Weeeeeeeeee I’m a butterfly! She was flappin’ her little wings and shit, tryna blossom, it was sad, but SO GOOD. Even Maggie was like, I’m an asshole, but she wants the Lobsterhands D (that should be the name of a band) so she pours in the formaldehyde.

-Penny gets to the freak show, looking for Paul, and she finds him high as shit with Elsa, who is giving him opium for the pain, but no doctor yet. Elsa even told him that she won’t cry when he does because he betrayed her, and she tells Penny that there is no rush for a doctor. Uhhhhhhh, what?

-Jimmy tells Ethel what Paul told him about Elsa, but Ethel has always been one of Elsa’s biggest supporters; shit, she is even making a cake for Elsa’s born day. But they are interrupted by Eve, the tall woman, who says that Ma Petite is gone and she missed breakfast, which is not like her. They round up the troops, but Maggie comes out with Ma Petite, so she didn’t follow Stanley’s orders. She tells Jimmy that they should run away together, and he is just psyched that a quasi-normal girl likes him, but he has to do one thing before they leave.

-Stanley is waiting for Maggie in her trailer and he is pissed because he was ready to go back to Philly with Ma Petite. He isn’t leaving without Jimmy’s hands and I don’t even think he has a plan to get them, but he is getting them. I assume it involves a Viking hat.

-Dandy is a mess as he has read the girls’ diaries and man, Dot was spittin’ that ether at him. He bores her to tears and only laughs at his shitty jokes for money, reads Gloria, while Dandy is laid up in the fetal position. Gloria suggests that he focus on Bette and try to make Dot jealous, but it is all or nothing with Dandy, who grabs a knife and goes on some spiel about being put on earth to bring death to mufuckas. Finn Wittrock be actin’, dogg.

-Someone is at the door, and lo and behold, it is Jimmy, who Dandy says is here for the twins. He still has the knife, too. Someone is not leaving this house.

-Elsa and Ethel are talking over a single piece of birthday cake, and Elsa tells Ethel about her sister, who died in infancy and that she reminded her parents of that tragedy. Elsa thinks the freaks are her family, but Ethel says they don’t trust her and if she finds out she had anything to do with the twins leaving, Ethel would kill her. The episode closes on Elsa wishing to be loved as she blows out her candle.

So, we have the Jimmy/Dandy/Bette/Dot rectangle to deal with, Paul is still alive, Stanley is not leaving Florida without freak body parts, Elsa is, well, Elsa and Ethel doesn’t trust her. We ain’t even see Dell and DJ TripleTits (Desiree, thanks for that, Lindsay) this week. Yep, American Horror Story: Freak Show is right on schedule in that I have no clue what is going to happen next.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E05 – Pink Cupcakes

American Horror Story: Freak Show rolls on with “Pink Cupcakes”, and after their two-part special on the Edward Mordrake myth, it would seem like it would get into a more streamlined style of storytelling. Not so much. If anything, I may be more confused by Freak Show than I was before, but that was to be expected. Let’s go…..

-We open with Stanley and Maggie back at the museum in which we first saw them in, and they show the body of Paul the Illustrated Seal, dead as all hell and Stanley is so proud, although that is tempered when he doesn’t get the credit for finding Paul. I’m not sure at what point this takes place because “Pink Cupcakes” jumps all over the place when it comes to time. Keep that in mind as you’re reading this.

-Then we go back to what I assume is the current time as Stanley is discussing with Maggie on how they’re going to store the bodies of the freaks, which they’re killing to give to this museum so they can get this money, but Stanley says he needs Maggie to stick with the plan and he is going to continue to get close to Elsa. Maggie doesn’t want to be down with murder because she sort of feels something towards Jimmy, who saved her from Twisty and Dandy last week. She also calls Stanley a “poof” because he has magazines of shirtless men falling out of his bag. I had no idea that was even a thing and all I can think about Cheesy Poofs from South Park.

-At the Mott house, Gloria finds Dora laid out in blood on the floor and screams, and she instantly sees through Dandy’s lie because she knows her son is fucking nuts. And for killing the maid, he gets sent to his room. Sounds about right.

-Stanley approaches Elsa as a TV exec, and Elsa goes on this big spiel about television trying to replace movies as an art and all but spits on it. The irony of Jessica Lange making this speech isn’t lost on anyone, but we should be used to her characters doing these types of speeches. Stanley leaves to go watch her show, of which Elsa’s delusions still have her as the star.

-Jimmy and Maggie are outside and Maggie reads his McLobsterHands to tell his future, and says that there is a man coming whom he shouldn’t listen to, meaning Stanley, we think. Jimmy tries to kiss her and that doesn’t work out well for him, because even though she is playing a role, she ain’t tryna to have the lobster hands messin’ around down there. For good reason, as we see soon….

-Jimmy heads to Dell’s trailer to find him, and he doesn’t find him, but he does find a drunken Desiree who tells Jimmy that Dell isn’t as bad as everyone thinks. Jimmy starts going on about Meep and tries to kiss Desiree, who rejects him at first, but they start going at it and he starts rummaging around down there. Next thing you know, blood everywhere, bruh. I automatically thought he cut her dick off, and a rousing conversation about what happened during the commercial break.

-Ethel takes Desiree to her doctor while Elsa is just bombing on stage, singing that “Life on Mars” song from the premiere or the second episode. Like, mufuckas throwing popcorn at her. This is something that needs to be brought back, although people might get shot now. Elsa calls for Stanley and wants to know about “this television”, because she is not the star she thinks she is.

-Desiree gets scoped out by the doctor, who figures out that she is 100% woman, and that the penis down there is really just an enlarged clitoris, and the bleeding was actually a miscarriage. I’m not sure on the whole biology about this, but we’ll go with it, because American Horror Story.

-Gloria orders her gardeners to dig a huge hole as they’re planning to bury Dora, and we learn that Dandy’s father was also prone to killin’ mufuckas because they have an inbred family. So much is explained here. I think this has been theorized from the beginning. She basically tells him that they’ll figure out a way to handle his impulsives, so Dandy is turning into Dexter, apparently.

-Elsa gets all dressed up and is ready to leave with Stanley, but she sees him driving off with Bette and Dot, and you can see the insides of her soul collapse. But then, we skip forward in time and see the twins inside the museum in one of Stanley’s kill jars, and he tells the curator that they died of pneumonia or something, but really, he poisoned Bette with a pink cupcake, then suffocated Dot because she wouldn’t eat one. Watching Bette crying in bed with Dot’s dead head beside was creepy as shit. But apparently, none of this happened, which is great because there was no way I would be happy with Sarah Paulson leaving after five episodes.

-We see a Dandy workout montage and he is in his underwear, talking about being a murderer or an actor or both, I don’t know. I was too busy laughing at the montage to pay attention to him. But he goes to a gay bar, where he sees Dell talking to a male prostitute and we realize why he can’t have an erection with Desiree; it is because he is gay, but he thinks she has a penis and it’s all very confusing. Dell has been telling this prostitute for a while now that he’ll run away with him, but he has Desiree and all and when the dude (named Andy) says he is working, Dell storms off. Enter Dandy, and Andy tells him all of his prices, and we deduce that gay brothels were cheap as shit in 1952.

-Dell goes home to Desiree, who tells him what the doctor told her and Dell isn’t shook at all. She also knows that he is Jimmy’s father thanks to Ethel and he tries to scare her, but Angela Bassett channels “Waiting To Exhale” and tells him to get the fuck outta her face before leaving.

-Dandy leads the prostitute out to the bus, because it is always good to follow strangers in the woods. Then they play some “take off your clothes with our backs to each other” game, which sounds the worst game in the world and you just know this isn’t gon’ turn out well for Andy as Dandy turns around and is wearing some briefs and the Twisty mouth. Dandy stabs the shit outta Andy, like, 25 times, and starts to saw off his limbs to dispose of them in acid. Andy wakes up because the mufucka just won’t die and he begs Dandy to kill him, but Dandy is like, meh, I’ll get to it.

-Dora’s daughter Regina calls Gloria to ask why her mother missed their weekly phone call, and PRECIOUS BACK, Y’ALL. Gabourey Sidibe returns to the cast and has this “this bitch…” look on her face as Gloria lies to her about her mother being alright. Gloria asks Regina about how she was as a mother as she kinda hung around Dandy as a kid, and Regina was like, you wasn’t really around back then. Gloria says something about that was the way she was raised, and Regina was like, I don’t have time for this, and hung up.

-Dell pays the doctor a visit and basically says to leave Desiree’s genitalia alone or he is going for his family. He sure loves the peen, or what he thinks is a peen. He broke dude’s fingers like shit, though. I think the doctor would have been fine without all that. Dell is an asshole, man.

-Dandy shows up at his house in his underwear, covered in blood on some “Oooops, I Did It Again” shit, and we wonder how the hell he got home without anyone seeing him. But again, and you have to say this every single episode, you have to let some shit slide with American Horror Story.

-Finally, we see Elsa driving the twins somewhere as she told them she wanted to be their mentor, but she took them to the Mott house as Gloria wanted to buy them when she took Dandy to the freak show. These twins are in a world of trouble, no matter who they go with.

A typically weird episode of AHS as they continue to shock, and I’m tryna figure out what Dell’s angle is, and how many people Dandy is about to kill. Maggie looks like she is tryna warn Jimmy, who is looking to fuck anything that moves, and of course, I’m worried about Bette and Dot. Five episodes in, and I have no idea where American Horror Story is going, and that is the way I like it.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E04 – Edward Mordrake Part 2

The first part of American Horror Story: Freak Show‘s Halloween special was quite divisive if you follow the online recaps. But Part 2 of “Edward Mordrake” gave us the only backstories that matter, to me
anyway: Elsa Mars and Twisty The Clown, whom we about to see EVERYWHERE for Halloween this weekend. Let’s go…

 -Edward Mordrake continues his mission of finding someone suitable to kill to add to his freak harem, and we learn about a couple secondary characters. Legless Suzi lost her legs to disease when she was two, then her parents left her, which is some cold, cold shit. She had to beg on these streets, so she ended up stabbing a dude in the leg because he had them and he died. Obviously? The medical game wasn’t where it needed to be in those days. Then we get Paul, who was born with his messed-up T-Rex arms, but when he decided to get fully tattooed, he stopped at his face, which is probably the best decision he ever made. Mordrake is like, nah, y’all aren’t freaky enough for me; let’s go to the head of the snake.

-He ends up in Elsa’s room, and here I figured she would try to have sex with him since Jessica Lange’s character in Coven was sleeping with a reincarnated sax player anyway, because, American Horror Story. But that ended when Mordrake called her delusional and gave her that truth, and he just wanted the story, which was, well…

-So it turns out that shit was super freaky in 1932 Germany, and Elsa was indeed a star….in a BDSM brothel . She would make dudes submit to her, but never sleep with them, and others would watch while she would make them sit on a toilet with nails, which is the absolute opposite of sexy to me, but different strokes, I guess. The watchers persuade her to do a film, but they drugged her, cut off her legs and left her there. Not gon’ lie, I felt bad for Elsa’s delusional ass. She really thought she was about to get that star role. Mordrake’s evil face decided she was the one and she was about to get got, but he hears music and stops.

-Jimmy McLobsterhands and Maggie were out past the curfew, and when they saw a car, they decided to hide in the woods. The car passed, but then they see the girl that Twisty kidnapped running away and then, Twisty tackled the shit out of her like Ray Lewis in his prime. I laughed and I laughed, oh Lord, how I did laugh. So of course, they go to investigate.

-They find Twisty’s short bus of horrors and also see the older brother kid that got yoinked up at the end of Part 1, but they get bopped upside the head by Dandy, who is playing Marty Jannety to Twisty’s Shawn Michaels (word to the Midnight Rockers, it’s an old wrestling reference, Google it for the hair alone). They wake up in time for the show, which is Dandy attempting to saw Maggie in half, but the real star is Twisty banging away on a toy piano like a six-year-old, which will be explained later. Jimmy gets loose thanks to his lobster hands, hits Dandy, frees Maggie and everyone scatters. It doesn’t make any sense how all this happens, but as I seem to say every week with this show, you gotta let some shit slide to enjoy AHS.

-Mordrake shows up to confront Twisty while Dandy chases after everyone else and throws a fucking tantrum because his Halloween is ruined, and while I loathe this guy, I gotta say, Finn Wittrock is playing the shit outta this character. Mordrake gets Twisty to first remove his mask, and the mouth gets revealed. Yeah, it is just as fucked up as we thought. Son got three teeth and no lower jaw, he is basically a dentist’s field day. But we get his story….

-Twisty was a nice clown, but he was made fun of by carnies, who called him a pedophile among other things. This made him leave the travelling circus and he took up painting. He tries to sell his products to the same toy-store owner who he decapitated, so that explains that as the owner rejected him. Poor Twisty then tries to kill himself with a shotgun, but that doesn’t work, so that explains the missing jaw and all of the infection in the mouth area. I’m not sure I’ll be able to use the phrase, “what dat mouf do” ever again.

-Mordrake decides Twisty is the one and stabs him to death, but he joins the dead freak harem and his jaw is back, which is nice. But then Dandy rolls up, and proceeds to put the mouth part of the mask on, which was all sorts of unhygienic. That mask had AIDS on it and Dandy gave no fucks about it. It was one of the more gross things I have ever seen on AHS, and that is saying a lot.

-Dandy leaves and the cops show up, and one tries to make Jimmy a hero, but he is still pissed about Meep and says he is going to go to the media, which is just not going to work out for him in the future. They return to the freak show the next day, and they are surprised to see that the townspeople are showing gratitude for finding the missing children. Elsa’s opportunistic ass sees a chance to make a buck and sells tickets to a special show….not free tickets, mind you because fuck free. She also demotes Bette and Dot and makes herself the star again, because delusion is a helluva thing and opium is a helluva drug. That was all we saw of the twins, so they’ll play a big role next week, probably. And the large/multiple/non-having penis dude that is pulling this scam with Maggie, he shows up at the freak show and introduces himself to Elsa as a doctor, so that will be something to watch for. I would say he will sleep with Elsa, but she isn’t a young dude in a Viking hat, and we know that is his steez.

-Finally, Dandy returns to his house, where he finds Dora, who continues to not give one single fuck about his life and when he pulls out a knife, she all but calls him a bitch. But he gets fed up and slashes her throat, and he hit that creepy smile to end the episode.

-RIP Miss Patti 😦

So that ends the story of Edward Mordrake, or so you would think, but Twisty is rolling with him now, so he’ll probably be back. That was one of the most scatterbrained episodes of American Horror Story to date. But they still managed to bring it all home and I’ll put it up there with one of my favorite AHS episodes of the series.