Tag Archives: AHS

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E4 – Devil’s Night

What would American Horror Story be without their annual Halloween madness? Hotel continues the trend with “Devil’s Night”, which is straightforward and to the point. But before we go further, let’s rank the past four Halloween AHS joints

  1. Asylum –  Asylum was still ascending when they hit “Nor’Easter”, which was the third episode of the season. Lily Rabe starts to become her crazed-nun character, while Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters run into some shit in the woods and Chloe Sevigny gets her legs cut off. I REALLY need to re-watch Asylum. Those last 4-5 episodes were trash, tho.

2.  Murder House – A two-part episode called “Halloween”, because fuck tryna think of a name.        A dead doctor tries to sew animal parts on his dismembered child, while “pretty girl” Jamie          Brewer gets hit by a car and dies. Dylan McDermott’s side piece (Kate Mara) comes back to          life, and Jessica Lange reveals that Evan Peters was really her dead son, to the surprise of            Taissa Farmiga. It’s here where you were like, “Oh. So this is what AHS is all about. Fuckery.”

3. Freak Show – The Edward Mordrake joints, dude who killed people because a face on the back     of his head told him to. But really, the best parts were the backstories for Kathy Bates and           Twisty The Clown.

4.  Coven – Another two-parter, Evan Peters kills his molestful mother, we get Gaby Sidibe vs. the     Minotaur, Lily Rabe shows up to bring Frances Conroy back to life, the witches vs. voodoo war     kicks off, there is a zombie party and Sarah Paulson goes blind. Minotaurs are in last place.         Welcome to American Horror Story.

Let’s go………..

-We open with a dude bursting through the front door of the Hotel Cortez, and we learn that it is Richard Ramirez, who has a standing invitation for Devil’s Night, and he wishes that Charlie could join them…..yep, Charles Manson, who is somehow still alive. I learned, via our weekly viewing crew, that Richard Ramirez was a serial killer known as the Night Stalker, and he did his work in Los Angeles and San Francisco. If nothing else, Ryan Murphy and crew love to take historical shit and build their series around it. Liz takes him to his room, and he has a gift waiting for him: it is a sleeping couple, who he, of course, brutally kills. Well, he kills the man, but the woman gets away and runs into James March, and she thought he was gon’ save her. NOAP. So March is hosting serial-killer parties on Halloween. Sounds about right.

-John gets a call from Scarlett, who is at her grandmother’s and she doesn’t really wanna go trick-or-treating, which is fair. John is like, yeah, that’s cool, I should probably go though because there is blood pouring from the ceiling. Well, he doesn’t tell her that, but there is blood pouring from the ceiling, all over his diagrams of the Ten Commandments Killer, who really isn’t even a storyline, but we came up with some theories about that, which I’ll get to at the end.

-John goes upstairs and knocks on a door to a room, where Miss Evers is tryna get out stains, because that is what she does….however, this stain keeps reappearing, which makes the job pretty damn difficult. She lets John in and proceeds to go into her backstory, which also involves her losing her child, Albert, who I bet we’ll see again at some point. He was literally right behind her when he got snatched up by some perv and taken to a farm, where he is presumably killed. She tells him all this, and John is like, so someone else gets it, and she gets all worked up about the night’s party before leaving. But John, being a good cop, doesn’t ask her about the blood, which he even sees in the bathroom, and he’s just like, well, chalk it up to the game. Our viewing party isn’t feeling John. He’s kinda the worst. Just MEH.

-Alex has taken Holden home and she takes his temperature, which is at 75, but nah, he’s not cold. The dog is frightened, so Alex puts it in the bathroom and then Holden says he is thirsty, so she goes into the kitchen to pour them some juice. She starts to cry in the kitchen, but shit only gets worse when she returns to the living room, and as soon as I saw the dog, I was like, Holden’s gon’ eat that mufucka. Guess what? Holden ATE that mufucka and has the nerve to say he isn’t feeling well. Between this and Fear The Walking Dead, it hasn’t been a good TV year for dogs. He also says that he wants his other mommy, which is a kick in the junk for Alex.

-John does a little bit of research to find that the murders that Miss Evers were talking about are the Wineville murders, which happened 85 years ago and they had to change the name of the town. YOOOOOO……85 YEARS, DOGG. WHY ARE YOU STILL STAYING THERE? This also happened in real life. There is a lot of background research this season.

-Alex takes Holden back to the hotel, where he decides that he needs to nap in his coffin, and Alex is like, the fuck is going on? There, she runs into Elizabeth, looking elgantly ghoulish as Lady Gaga tends to do in real life anyway. Elizabeth says she saves children from neglect and Alex says that Holden wasn’t neglected, but Elizabeth might have been talking about John, who went to answer Alex’s call and she probably kept him on the line over some bullshit, which is when Elizabeth snatched him up. Elizabeth explains that Holden has a virus and if Alex has it, she can spend eternity with Holden, and then Alex pulls out a gun, but Elizabeth looks at her like she ain’t shook. Then Tristan walks in and punches the absolute shit outta Alex, who gets up like she has taken a punch before, and Elizabeth tells him to let her go, and she leaves. Tristan then wonders if Elizabeth is banging Alex, too. Oh, that’s coming, my friend.

-John goes to the bar and is like, you know what, give me a double martini, dammit,. Of course, on the night John decides to start drinking again, in walks Aileen Wournos, played by Lily Rabe, and if you don’t know, I fucking love her. She was the best part of Asylum as Sister Mary Eunice, and of course, as Misty the Stevie Nicks impersonator in Coven. Anyway, you might know Aileen Wournos from Monster, which earned Charlize Theron an Oscar for Best Actreess, and she is probably the best-known female serial killer in history. They did some good makeup work to make this happen, and Lily Rabe is fucking awesome; that hair flip is everything. Anyway, John thinks it’s a costume, while Liz is lookin’ at all this like, you dumb mufucka, and he takes Aileen up to his room. He gets knocked out and tied to a chair, but he manages to punch and subdue her, and I don’t know how it happened because he’s not very bright. He handcuffs her in the bathroom and looks at her license, which says her name, and heads down to the lobby, where he reads the names of the killers in the guest book. Liz even tells him what’s going on, and he thinks that he is gon’ arrest Aileen, but Liz is like, nah, she won’t be there. She isn’t, and he finds a bag with a suit in it on his bed as he has been invited to the party by March himself. Hmmmmmmmmm…….

-He gets to Room 78 for the party, where he finds Aileen, who apologizes and wants to sit with him, but March is a stickler and wants everyone to sit where he has them. Introductions are made, and we have Aileen, of course. There is the Zodiac Killer, who has a mask on and Richard razzes him for wearing it. John Wayne Gacy is there, played by John Carroll Lynch, who played Twisty in Freak Show, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer and Ramirez are played by actors outside of the AHS franchise, but they both do excellent jobs in their short time on screen. They were all brought together by March, who gave them tips on how to kill, but they usually went astray and that is how they got caught. Then they drink absinthe, but it only affects Lowe, because well, he is human, and he gets handcuffed to a chair. At some point, he pointed to his gun, and we all laughed. Silly mufucka, you.

-Miss Evers serves dinner and Richard starts dancing with Aileen, and it’s trippy as hell, but it works. Dahmer starts doing work on a drugged out dude because that was his thing in real life, and John goes to shoot him, but yo……they’re fuckin’ ghosts, b. Meanwhile, Dahmer has perked up after they brought him out a salad, and he obviously doesn’t eat that shit, and March pats him on the head. Man, I can’t stress how good Evan Peters is this season. By far his best performance in AHS and it isn’t even close.

-While this is going on, Sally is outside with a guy she just met, and he wants to party, so she takes him and gets him all jacked on the heroin. Little does he know, he is dessert for the killer party, in return for March letting Sally live here for another year. Also, Dahmer has drilled a hole into his victim’s head and put acid in there to make him, like a zombie and I don’t know, is this so he tastes better later? Dahmer was about that cannibal life, and I read more about him when I was younger than I care to admit. Serial killers fascinate me. I’m always curious as to what makes a mufucka just SNAP. Anyway, Miss Evers brings out all of the knives and the killers pounce on the heroin man, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. John is freaking out, but Sally appears and convinces him it was all a hallucination because of the absinthe. She takes him away so March and ’em can finish what they’re doing, and March gives a look like he doesn’t trust John at all, which he probably shouldn’t.

-We go to Elizabeth, getting all prettied up, and then she walks int a bedroom with Alex, who has apparently decided to become a vampire. They kiss, and then Elizabeth runs her nail down her breast, and Alex takes her first drink, then re-opens her eyes. So is she a vampire now? What happened between pulling a gun out and now? I want to see her “pros and cons” list. Also, that is hopefully the last time we see Alex in a beret. Our viewing crew was quite happy to see it go, one in particular.

Ehhhhh, I’d probably put this above the Coven Halloween episode, and maybe above Freak Show, too. All those serial killers, man, that shit was like a murderers’ row, literally. So, the John theory is this: he is actually the Ten Commandments Killer, and he has done all this shit, but he blacks out for whatever reason, possibly booze, and he just hasn’t realized it yet. Why else would he be at that party? Either that, or he is going to be in training. And now, what about Scarlett? Her mother and brother are vampires, her father is either gon’ be a vampire or a serial killer, and they’re all staying at this creepy hotel? Just gon’ leave her with Grandma? I guess.

Next week, I assume we get back to the Ramona Royale revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, but fuck, it’s American Horror Story. They’ll probably had three more storylines, because American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E03 – Mommy

The thing about American Horror Story is that you don’t usually know who all the major players are, and what the main storyline will be, until a few episodes into the season. The third episode of Hotel, “Mommy”, sheds a little light on John’s wife Alex, but also on the Donovan/Iris relationship and of course, we get introduced to a new character played by an old (not, like, age….she won’t track me down, dammit) favorite. Let’s go……..

-We open with Tristan, who seems like he has settled into this vampire thing, and he’s looking for March, his new homeboy. He has studied up on March, who pops up and isn’t impressed about all his information being out in these Google streets. And then Tristan tries to hit him with a high-five, and March looks at him like he’s nuts, and says, “GOOD”. You really have to see it to get the full effect. I had to hit pause, I was laughing so hard. March tells Tristan that the hotel has a bunch of hidden rooms, including the “Black Closet”, which is a dark room with a spike in it that impales a mufucka as soon as they run into the place. I’d be fine if March was the focus of the storyline and not the vampires, and maybe he will be eventually. I hope so.

-Will Drake is with Claudia and his son, taking a tour of the place when they run into Tristan. I now think that Will Drake is a descendant of Edward Mordrake from Freak Show, if they’re gon’ continue to tie seasons together. He tells Tristan that he has to leave the hotel, but he notices that the cut on his face is gone, the one Tristan made upon his retirement from the modelling business. Plans are made to tear the floor out, and Miss Evers is pressed about where she’ll clean the linens. On the low, she might be my favorite so far. She just wants a clean hotel, bruh. But Tristan said he got it, so someone gotta die.

-The kid who has the measles has gotten worse, which leads Alex to go back into her memories on being a mother. Also, I think that kid will end up at the hotel. She didn’t have the best childhood, but everything changed when Holden was born, and she admits to not even loving Scarlett that way. I was confused when she said that it was like a drug, but she kept smelling him, which I’ve heard of before. She didn’t love John as much, so when he lost Holden, whatever love she had evaporated and she gave up hope of ever finding him. She also went to a therapist and attempted to commit suicide in a tub, but John found her. The family has their own group meeting with a therapist and Alex accuses Scarlett of trying to hurt them and she’s like, dude, for real, I SEEN IT. If only John would pipe up and tell mufuckas that he saw it, but that’ll come later. Alex perks up a little when Scarlett says that he smelled like lavender, so that must have been the addictive smell.

-Claudia is in her room, tryna talk on the phone when the service cuts out, but she doesn’t think anything of it. Then she goes in the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees a flash of Rapey McDrillbit, so what does she do? Lies on the bed and tries to go to sleep. That doesn’t work out for as Gabriel pops up from the mattress, strangles her and then stabs her to death. I’m not going anywhere I can’t use my phone, bruh. That’s a hint that something isn’t right.

-John and Malik Yoba (his name is Adam, fine, I’ll use that) are investigating a new set of murders where two writers for a gossip site have had their tongues nailed to their desks, which in biblical terms, is “Thou shall not bear false witness”. As he returns to the hotel, Gabriel pops up outta nowhere, covered in blood, and asks John to help him. Like, out of thin air. Nah, fuck yo help. I don’t care that I am a cop.

-Tristan gets into Will’s room and apologizes for the whole ordeal at the fashion show and the face-cutting thing, and says that he is clean and sober. Dogg, you’ve been hangin’ with Elizabeth, no way in shit you’re sober. Will is tryna go over the blueprints for the hotel, but Tristan is tryna eat and he seduces him to the point that he goes to bite his neck, and up pops Elizabeth with the NOAP throat-slash, telling Tristan not to do it. Tristan is like, awwwww man, and Will is like, the fuck just happened?

-John takes Gabriel to the hospital, and Gabriel basically blames everything on Sally before overdosing, then he goes to Claudia’s room, but he only finds Miss Evers,and I mean….come on, bruh. How bad of a cop are you? All of these signs, shit, Iris told you all about the place, and nothing? Then, oh AND THEN, she drops a line about the Ten Commandments and then when John handcuff and takes her to the elevator, she tries to seduce him, the lights keep flickering on and off, Rapey keeps popping up and then they both disappear. BRUH. GET THE FUCK OUT, B.

-Iris tells Donovan that she has been looking up places to live, but he’s like, nah, that ain’t happening and proceeds to tear into her, saying that everything was her fault and he hates her and he may have wished death upon her as well; he said a lot of hateful shit in there. We also learn that there was a bad breakup between Iris and Donovan’s father, and it seems like she was, well, let’s just say overbearing. Iris starts to cry, and at least once per season, you remember that, oh shit, this is Kathy fuckin’ Bates actin’ on y’all punk asses. She is good at what she does.

-Donovan feeds on a junkie to get both of his fixes at the same damn time, and then he finds someone who is having car trouble, so he’s like, cool, another meal. But then he gets tasered and guess who it is? MS BASSETT BACK! She throws him in the trunk and drives off, and I get to partyin’. I love Angela Bassett. Just everything about her; she is elegant, but reeks of “I’ll fuck your whole life up if you mess with me”.

-Alex finds John at the hotel, because why not bring your whole fucking family there. She wants him to have a drink and he’s like, nah, I’m good. She’s like, oh, you should have one because here are these divorce papers, bruh. She’s done with it all, for Scarlett’s sake, and he gets his Keith Sweat on to beg her, but she seems set in her decision. Then he drops that he is seeing weird shit and is sobbing, which of course, makes her stay. Tears can change a whole ball game, yo.

-Then it is Elizabeth’s turn to put the moves on Will Drake as she rolls into his room and he’s like, you know I’m gay, right? Elizabeth can’t be bothered with that, though….she wants that neck and says something about him dying. But even though he is gay, he tries to get it poppin’ with her before Tristan walks in and is like, yo, you JUST stopped me from doing the EXACT SAME THING. But Elizabeth’s motive is money: she got trapped in the Bernie Madoff scandal, which is, to make a long story short, a Ponzi scheme that got him convicted in sent to jail in 2009. Elizabeth lost almost all of her money and wants to get it back, which means getting Will to marry her, so she can take his money. Will Drake is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a bitch to get your money taken and then killed, but then he would turn into a vampire? I guess we’ll see.

-Alex takes John to his room and finds his work on the Ten Commandments Killer, but somehow he ends up getting her back into bed, where he almost gets it in before suggesting that they have another baby and Alex is like, oh for fuck sakes. He killed that mood with the quickness and she hits him with those papers again. Cold world, dogg.

-Then she leaves the room, and runs into a bloody Claudia, who insults her clothing choices, and then she sees Holden, who calls her “Mommy”. I’m just happy for Scarlett that mufuckas might not think she is crazy anymore. But Holden is the key to John getting her back, and I don’t know how feasible that is because, well, he’s a vampire. Maybe a vampire family is in order?

-Sally gets a needle ready to give to Iris, who wants to die after what Donovan said to her, and Sally is like, I’ll do this, but dogg, you gotta leave me alone in these halls. Iris says yes, but she’ll go back on that shit in a second.

-To get rid of the heroin, Donovan is receiving dialysis from Ms. Bassett, whose name is Ramona Royale, and she explains that she was a Blaxploitation actress from the 70s; think Pam Grier (and if you don’t know who she is, for the love of God, Google her). She wanted more roles in that era, but of course, CISM. But then she meets Elizabeth and is turned into a vampire as well, and she ends up turning a rapper named Prophet Moses, which is just about the worst rap name you could ever think of. Ryan Murphy, just stay away from rap music, let Empire handle that, bruh. Anyway, Elizabeth got mad and ate all of the rapper’s entourage and then blew his head clean off, so Ramona wants revenge and thought she could use Donovan to get it, but he tells her that Elizabeth cut him off. She lets him go, but it is in the cards: Ramona and Donovan vs. Elizabeth and Tristan. Sure, I’m in for that.

-Also, this is extremely shallow, but thumbs up to Gaga and Ms. Bassett kissing. Because I’m 12 and I don’t care.

-And yes, I’ll always call her Ms. Bassett.

-Donovan goes back to the hotel and runs into Liz, who proceeds to give him shit for how he treated Iris because no matter what she did, she is his mother and no one will love him like she does, even though she did some messed-up things to try and keep him safe. Donovan realizes that he is right and goes to see her, but Sally had to put a bag over her head because apparently, Iris has a high tolerance for heroin and won’t die. Donovan slits his wrist and holds it to Iris to try and bring her back and Sally is like, well, ain’t that some poetic-justice ass shit.

I’m quite surprised on what they did with Alex’s character, because I was fully ready to not care about her, but I’m interested to see what she does now that she knows Holden is actually, well, not alive, but he is a thing. Now Donovan is dealing with Iris, then you have the vampire battle royal that is about to pop off, then March is hangin’ out with Miss Evers, Rapey McDrillbit, the Ten Commandments Killer, Scarlett…..and I bet there will be more shit added to the mix next week. If nothing else, you can’t ever say that American Horror Story is boring.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E01 – Checking In

The first series in the post-Jessica Lange era for American Horror Story, Hotel, kicked off on Wednesday night with the aptly-titled “Checking In”. FX has been generally pretty liberal with the show, as well as Sons Of Anarchy and even The League, in terms of what they let them get away with. Hotel takes that up a notch within 30 minutes. Let’s go…….

-We open with these two blond tourists getting out of a cab, and they don’t speak English and the countdown is on to some shit happening to them. They walk into the Hotel Cortez, and man, is this set ever beautiful. It’s really old-school, but classy, and I’m looking forward to seeing some flashbacks of what is like before mufuckas started dying there.

-Oh, did you not know that mufuckas was gon’ die in this hotel? This must be your first AHS series. Welcome. Mufuckas gon’ die in this hotel.

-They get to the check-in counter, although they do note that there is NO ONE in this giant lobby. After ringing a bell twice, they’re greeted by Iris, who is played by Kathy Bates, and in true Kathy Bates form, she is not here for their shit. They’re not getting refunds, they ain’t got no wi-fi and Iris says this place is a cell-phone dead zone, which is clue #2 to get your ass outta there.

-She takes them to their room, which is dark and shady in the first place, and when the girls ask for ice, Iris tells them it’s down the hall. They have like, two small mickeys. Fuck do you need ice for? Anyway, one of them (Vendela is her name) goes to find the ice, where she walks by a laundress who is steamcleaning some bloody sheets from Room 51; clue #3, we’re at now. Then she sees kids at either end of the hall, but when she goes to find them, they’re gone. I’m not counting clues anymore. They deserve what they get.

-As Vendela is scooping the ice, a metallic glove creeps up on her and seems to touch her hair, but again, she turns around and there is nothing there. She gets back to the room and her friend, who is named Agnetha, says that the room smells like a dead animal. They demand to get another room, like Iris gives a damn about what they are demanding. Agnetha looks at the bed and notices something weird about the mattress; it’s like it has been stitched up through the middle. Vendela is the bold one who cuts the mattress open, instead of, you know, getting the fuck outta there. And out pops a….I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s naked, whatever it is, and it has messed-up teeth. A demon? A ghoul? How about some shit that lives in a mattress? That should be enough.

-I’m not sure how AHS hasn’t even been nominated for an opening-credits Emmy, but anyway, the shit is outstanding like it is every season. There is plenty of shit with mattresses, and kids with gas masks and a whole boatload of blood. It’s about to get real.

-After the first of 27 commercial breaks, we return with the girls walking with Iris, who acts like nothing just happened and tells them they’ll be arrested for evasion if they leave. I don’t even know how that works. But they don’t question it, they just go to another room to wait for the police instead of, you know, trying to get the fuck outta there. She takes ’em to room 64, which the camera lingers on and the homegirl Lindsay was like, mmmmmmhmmmm, that’s the killin’ room. Extra emphasis on that when Iris says that they never rent it out. After an hour, there are still no cops, and instead of tryna leave, they’re going to leave a bad review on Yelp for the hotel; if only they could get service. After more hours of waiting, Vendela had fallen asleep and Agnetha is nowhere to be found. She searches around the room and finds her friend in the bathroom, being eaten by the children she saw in the hallway. You wanna know what? At this point, fuck it, b. I’m out.

-The paramedics are rushing into another hotel, where a woman and a man were having sex, but she has been impaled with a pole, both of their hands have been nailed to the headboard, and his eyes and tongue have been cut out, but he is still alive. He is tryna ask them to speed up the process, and that he is still inside her, but that shit has been super-glued. Turns out that these two were married, but not to each other. Some anti-Tiger Woods fan is going after the cheaters, apparently. The main detective is John Lowe, played by Wes Bentley, who was Edward Mordrake in Freak Show. Good to see him in a bigger role. Also, his partner is Malik Yoba, who you may not from Empire going all the way back to New York Undercover, which was fucking AWESOME.

-John goes to his office to work on the case, which includes looking at other cases. This also includes one where a dude was anally raped with something that left traces of gold paint chips. The pictures were graphic as shit. And that’s not the last butthole reference in this episode. But he stops to talk to his young daughter, Scarlett, so they can read “Little Women” before her bedtime. He refuses to take a call related to the case, and then when he leaves the office, that person (with a disguised voice, of course) tells him to go to the Hotel Cortez, where he is in room 64, and he also killed that woman and left the man alive. He also says he’ll kill again, so John obviously has to go.

-At the hotel, some douchebag is waiting at the counter and asks for a room, and not only does Iris give him room 64, she charges him $150 instead of the $30 it says on the sign. He is obviously there to do drugs, so now we get to meet Sally, a strung-out junkie played by Sarah Paulson, and if you have ever read these and/or spoken to me about AHS, you know that I ride HARD for Ms. Paulson. Personally, I think she’s the best part of the entire series, and now we get to see her as a “bad” person (because good and bad are so relative in AHS)? I’m in. She calls dibs on douchebag, so that can’t be good for him.

-He gets to the room and breaks out the drug stuff, and soon he is in his own world. He sees a shadow, then he sees the laundress from earlier and before he realizes what is going on, he gets jacked by, um…..so this thing has no face, like it’s in a body-length suit, but the suit is made of skin. Then the thing (it’s different from the thing that came out of the mattress earlier) proceeds to flip the dude over and rapes him with what we think is a drill-bit or something. It’s metal and spiky and jagged, and it doesn’t look very fun.

-John walks into the hotel and Iris immediately guesses him for a cop, and he wants to go to room 64. Iris sends him up with Liz Taylor, played by Denis O’Hare, who was Stanley in Freak Show and the creepy butler in Coven. Liz is a man, but dressed in drag, and could be transgender, but he might have both sets of genitals, or none at all. Because, AMERICAN HORROR STORY.

-Dude is still gettin’ his rape on upstairs and Sally wants the victim to tell her he loves her, and it’ll all be over. He does, and then he dies, and the rapist is gone before Lowe gets to the room. But yeah bruh, we saw that rape. Like, all of it in a mirror. Honestly, I was more bothered by the heroin use. I HATE NEEDLES. Yay for desensitization!

-Anyway, John gets to the room and no one is there, but he does a half-ass job of checking shit out. Doesn’t even look under the bed, instead, he lies down on it and decides, hey, this would be a good time for a nap. Good grief. Had he looked under the bed, he probably would have found the victim, whose name is Gabriel, who wakes up, but John doesn’t hear him gasp.

-Remember the time, 2:25, dunno if it’s AM or PM. Lots of bad shit seems to happen at that time. That’s when Vendela woke up to find her friend getting buffeted. John wakes up and sees one of the children from earlier and he says, “Holden”, who you can assume is his son. He chases the child, who disappears, as they’re known to do.

-And here we go. We hear some music, which is “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge, and there is a woman getting ready to go out, and a man in a bath. She does one of the largest bumps of cocaine in recent TV history, joins her man and the two, dressed to the nines, head out. Her name is Elizabeth, and it’s the first appearance for Lady Gaga, and when this part was cast, a lot of people were skeptical, especially with Lange gone. But I think she’ll do alright because she’s just off enough (her persona, anyway) that she should fit into AHS nicely and she is very talented, whether you like her music or not. Anyway, they’re off to see “Nosferatu” at an outdoor cinema, where they flirt with another couple there, and eventually, they take them back to the hotel for an orgy that seems to go on forever. FX is really not giving any fucks about nudity or violence this year, because Gaga’s tits are basically out except that her nipples are covered, but I mean, we know what they’re about. Anyway, Elizabeth and her companion, Donovan, use their metallic gloves (like the one that crept up on Vendela) and slash their throats, so they can drink their blood. Of course…..”Nosferatu” is a silent movie about vampires. BAM. Gaga will be just fine on Hotel. She’s the least of my worries.

-John goes home after sitting outside in his car being creepy, and you get the idea that he and his wife don’t really get along. She’s mad because he is late, which made her late for some house calls as a doctor, and after she leaves, John takes Scarlett for sushi because fuck the dinner you made, apparently.

-Iris takes dinner to the two tourists, although we saw one of them being eaten, but it’s AHS, so whatever. She has a feeding tube for their food and Sally wants Iris to show them some compassion as she yells at them, calling them “Swedish meatballs”. But it seems like she is feeding them to fatten them up, or help their wounds, so they might actually be dead at this point. Sally says something about Iris being here for 20 years, and Iris blames her for everything. Iris says Sally can do her job, but warns her about having to explain to “her” why they tastes like shit. “Her” seems to Elizabeth, also known as the Countess, so yeah, Iris traps people and feeds them to the vampires.

-Then Sally goes off the rails after Iris leaves to feed something else, and screams at Vendela to run after letting her out of her cage. Vendela runs while her friends cries not to be left alone, but you know Vendela is fucked. She is running and running and gets to the front door, where Elizabeth is waiting, and slashes her throat. She then tells Iris that this can never happen again. So Elizabeth is the leader of all this weird shit.

-Over sushi, Scarlett tells John that she has been having dreams of her brother, the Holden that he referred to earlier, but they leave dinner when he gets a text from his wife asking for help at some random address. They go there and there is a cop waiting, and John asks the cop to watch his kid, but of course, he gets drawn away by something. The voice he spoke to earlier calls him again, and John finds a shadowy figure in the house, while Scarlett wanders in to find two men strung up with their guys hanging out. She screams, so the man gets away as John runs to her. Shoutout to that cop for leaving a little girl in a car by herself. Well done.

-Through a flashback, we learn that John was with his son, but he turned his back for a second and Holden was gone. This is a point of contention between he and his wife Alex, who is scared out of her mind as she didn’t text that message to John, so the voice had hacked into her phone. John says that he’ll leave, but there will be cops there to watch them. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. They do such a great job as is.

-Back at the hotel, we meet Will Drake, his son Lachlan and Marcy, a realtor who is negotiating Drake buying the hotel. You might also remember Marcy from Murder House, as she sold the house to the Harmon family. There is your first intra-season connection and after the end of Freak Show, you can expect to see a few more in Hotel (there was one nod to Asylum that I can’t remember right now). Anyway, they meet Iris, who doesn’t know anything about a sale, and they find a naked Donovan, who also doesn’t know about it and when he finds out, he isn’t happy. Lachlan sees the thing with no face, but decides not to tell anyone about it because why would you do that?

-They also meet Elizabeth, who is quite charming when she isn’t killing people, and as Marcy continues her tour with Will, Elizabeth takes Lachlan to a secret room, where all of the other children are, including Holden. Shit has video games and unlimited candy. You know what? Hotel Cortez might not be all that bad.

-Iris and Donovan are discussing the hotel sale, and the dots are connected. In 1994, Iris followed Sally and Donovan (who is Iris’ son, we learn) here as he was scoring drugs from her, and Donovan dies from either a dirty needle or an OD. Iris is pissed and pushes Sally out of a window to her death, and then returns to the room to find Elizabeth, stroking Donovan’s face and telling Iris that her son has a jawline for days. Gaga looks an awful lot like Alexandra Breckenridge, who played the young nanny in Murder House and she was in a couple episodes of Coven as well. This show fucks with your head like that.

-John leaves his house and heads straight to Hotel Cortez, because why not and if you’re gon’ go back, might as well stay in room 64, right? “Hotel California” by the Eagles plays us out and ends the episode on a fitting note, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”.

There was a lot packed into this 90-minute (including those 27 commercial breaks) episode, but the synopsis of Hotel so far is that people die there and their ghosts feed off anyone who comes in. The only one who isn’t a ghost is Iris, who is there because of her son, although we still don’t know what’s up with Liz Taylor. American Horror Story went for the gusto with the Hotel premiere, and there were a few stories wondering whether or not Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk went too far. Those people haven’t watched this before. In a couple episodes, we’ll be asking, “remember how tame the premiere was?”. Welcome to the wonderful, insane world of American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E13 – Curtain Call

I’ve written ad nauseam about my disappointment with the finales of the American Horror Story series, so when it came time to watch “Curtain Call”, the finale for Freak Show, I expected the worst, but hoped for the best. That seemed to work, because in my opinion, we got, by far, the best AHS finale yet. Let’s go……….

-The freaks are preparing for the Dandy Show to kick off and while none of them are high on working with him, he has money and people gotta eat. But Dandy is pissed that no one is buying tickets to the show, and well, let’s just say he doesn’t take advice too well. Paul tries to tell him that this happens in the beginning, and gets called a stupid freak; Eve tries to say they’re only giving advice and gets called an ugly cow. Dandy says they’re boring and mediocre, and threatens to put horns on Penny, but Paul gets on his chivalry tip, which Dandy obviously isn’t having and pushes him. Eve says, enough of this, and punches him in the face before the freaks tell him that they’re quitting. Paul also spits in his pretentious face and they walk off. Nothing good is gon’ come outta this. Dandy doesn’t exactly take to being told “no”.

-Elsa is in Hollywood and she walks into the WBN offices, tryna get an appointment with the head of the network, but the secretary kinda shrugs her off and tells her to have a seat. She smokes cigarette after cigarette after cigarette before the secretary gets ready to leave for the day, so it’s obvious that Elsa has been given the run-around for the third day in a row. You gotta feel a little bad for Elsa, who feels foolish because her appointment apparently went out the back to avoid her, and she learns quickly that this is Hollywood, and mufuckas don’t care about your feelings. Then the secretary says that Marlene Dietrich did Elsa’s act better, to which Elsa was like, oh hell naw, and slaps fire out ol’ girl’s face. The security guard grabs her before a man comes out and breaks everything up, and Elsa is lying on the ground, crying and looking as pathetic as we’ve seen her all series. But we learn that the man that broke everything up is Michael Beck, the junior VP of casting at the network, and his real last name is Beckenbauer, so they have that German connection. He jokes that he had to change to avoid being labelled a communist, not being a Nazi. It looks like she has an in.

-Dandy is putting make-up on his face, and you just know shit is about to get crazy because he has that good and insane look in his eyes. He starts walking through the freak show, humming a tune, and when he closes his eyes to get in that zone, you know it’s about to be some shit. Paul walks up and says something about back pay, and gets a bullet in the head for his trouble, but I mean, he spat in his face, so that had to happen. Penny hears the shot and I’ve no idea how she was planning to hide behind a sheet because it’s not like Dandy can’t see her behind a white sheet, and she gets shot in the head as well. Toulouse (the midget that was feeling up on the twins a few weeks ago) gets on, as well as little legless Suzi, and he chased her all around the tent, what an asshole. He did stub his toe while chasing her, though, that was pretty good.

-Desiree hears all this and knows what’s up as Dandy shoots a couple more random freaks. Eve hears the shots and runs out to Paul, who is long past dead and shoutout to the makeup people on AHS as that bullet hole in the back of his head looks damn real. Eve grabs a hatchet while Ima (the big girl) tries to hide, but that obviously doesn’t work. Dandy finds Desiree’s trailer and searches it, but she hides in a closet and does everything in her power not to make a sound. Dandy then gets tackled by Eve and the two fight, and she is kickin’ his ass all over the place, but Dandy gets free, shoots her in the leg and then the head. He continues the search for Desiree, but eventually gives up and returns to a tent where the twins are tied to a post. In my head, I’m saying to myself that I’ll stop watching this shit if he kills the twins, shit, even one of them, but instead, he asks them to join him. That is probably worse for them.

-I do like Dandy’s fancy golden revolver, but they didn’t even try to show him reloading that shit while going on his rampage. God love American Horror Story, a show that gives almost as few fucks as The Walking Dead when it comes to the little things.

-Jimmy’s fuck ass returns to the show to see what’s up after getting his wooden claws, and we’re not gon’ talk about how the cops apparently aren’t looking for him anymore after the truck he was in was jumped by Dell and Eve, and there were cops killed; that’s old shit. He calls for Elsa, but she’s long gone. Then he is slowly realizing, because that’s how Jimmy does things, that something is amiss. He walks into the big top, and it’s just a trail of dead bodies all the way up to the stage. Jimmy closes Eve’s eyes and I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to feel bad for him, but between the wooden claws and well, Jimmy, we all start laughing. Desiree puts her hand on his shoulder and Jimmy gets freaked out before he realizes it’s her, and she starts sobbing to end the most bloody and intense 20 minutes of the season.

-We return after commercial to the wedding of the twins (well, Bette) to Dandy, which takes place in his play/bed/killing room, and they’re joined by a kid playing the flute, homegirl on the harp and a fake-ass horse, along with some other stuffed animals. Dot tells them that she’ll just leave her body while they’re consummating the marriage, but Dandy basically tells that she’ll be joining them and threatening her if she disrespects his manhood, whatever the hell that means. They’re having a toast during dinner, and Dandy starts talking excitedly about the future, but the way it’s shot, it looks like everything around Dandy is moving, and Bette is talking him up, but Dot has this “mufucka you need to die” look on her face, so the wheels start turning. He drops the glass on the floor and we’re like, “AW SHIT THEY DRUGGED HIS ASS” as his vision gets blurry, and the maid that the twins hired is Desiree, who shows off the triple breasts one final time so he’ll recognize her. He goes to attack her, but Bette shoots Dandy with a tear in her eye and his Goldeneye gun, and all he says afterwards is, “THAT’S MINE”, referring to the gun because Dandy sees everything as his….EVERYTHING. Desiree calls for the butler and we all know Jimmy is coming out, which he does as we learn the twins snuck him earlier. They tell Dandy that he is finally gon’ be the star of the show as he passes out.

-They showed a few commercials for that A Most Violent Year movie, which I didn’t even know was a thing until last week. I’m intrigued, might gotta watch that.

-Dandy wakes up in a tank, so you know this won’t end well for him. He is in the Houdini escape tank, and he still thinks he can order people around because he’s delusional. Desiree just wants to cut his balls off, but Jimmy says they’re showmen, so it has to be theatrical. He says all the killing was what God wanted him to do, and he was just fulfilling his purpose, and even better, he forgives the twins for setting him up like this. Goddamn, Dandy Mott just might be the greatest character in AHS history, no less than top three. Bette tells Dandy that she hates him as he killed all her friends, and Desiree gives a speech about how he is a bigger freak than all of them as they turn on the water. He tries to bribe them with money, then says some shit about being immortal, but Jimmy replies with some speech about freaks inheriting the earth and I don’t care about anything he says anyway. The twins, Jimmy and Desiree sit around with some popcorn as Dandy eventually drowns, while we eat popcorn and watch them on some AHS/Inception shit.

-That Jennifer Lopez movie, The Boy Next Door, dammit that looks terrible, b.

-We go to Hollywood in 1960 and we learn that Elsa has become a star in both TV and music, and she is getting a start on the Walk of Fame, and she married Michael Beck eventually. But of course, she ends up being an asshole and shits all over the product of a coffee commercial she is filming, saying “shite” three times and the coffee tastes like piss. Michael and a network executive try to talk her into doing a promotional spread on Halloween, but freaks don’t work on Halloween, word to Edward Mordrake…..so the wheels get to turning again. Then Elsa calls Michael a pussy for some reason, and again says that she doesn’t work on Halloween. We learn that Elsa regrets marrying Michael and has returned to her dominatrix roots with him, and she is going home for another engagement.

-That engagement is Axeman Massimo, who flashes back to a time when Elsa was learning to walk with her new legs. Elsa hates her new life as she is surrounded by yes men, her and Michael cheat on each other constantly, and she feels cursed. She goes back to the birthday cake that Ethel made her in 1952, when she wished to be loved, and now she wants to run away with Massimo, but he has lung cancer and is due to die in a month. Jessica Lange and Danny Huston be actin’, bruh. Everything that they’ve done from Coven to Freak Show, there is never a wasted second.

-Elsa is hammered as Michael and the head of the network (who looks startlingly like John McCain) show up to tell her that the snuff film has popped up, and Michael is pissed because Elsa lied about how she lost her legs, so he says he’s packing his things. An article is coming out about the snuff film, and not only that, a private investigator has connected Elsa to the freak show in Jupiter, where everyone is dead. Basically, her entire past has violated a morality clause in her contract, so Elsa is getting the boot. She says fuck it all, and she’ll work on Halloween because she knows what’s gon’ happen.

-Elsa steps out to do her final performance, which is “Heroes” by David Bowie, so we can assume that Ryan Murphy loves some Bowie. She is doing her thing, and we see Desiree walking by a TV on the street, and she is now married to whatever the hell Theo Huxtable’s name is, with children. Jimmy is watching it at home….with the twins, who are pregnant and all I’m wondering is, does she feed him? I mean, he has wooden claws for hands. Then Mordrake and his crew show up, along with Twisty The Clown, who looks really weird with a full mouth. Elsa stops singing and everyone in real life is looking around like, uh, what’s wrong with her, while Elsa and Mordrake hammer out the details of her death as she brought him here under a suicide mission. So he does kill her (although it looks to everyone else like she just had a heart attack), but Mordrake says she doesn’t belong with his crew.

-Instead, Elsa ends up with her freaks, including Ethel, which means we get one last chance to hear Kathy Bates’ terrible Baltimore accent, and she says the freak show always have a full house in the afterlife, so apparently, Elsa ends up winning.

And that, my friends, wraps up Freak Show, which I’m not going to put above Coven yet, but it’s coming. That was easily the best and most coherent of all the AHS finales, and the only thing that bothers me is that Elsa kinda wins, but she was still miserable enough that she wasn’t happy, so that’s okay. We all thought that she would survive and end up reuniting with Pepper in the asylum, which isn’t completely off the table just yet, depending on what they plan for Season 5 (and if Lange decides to come back). That they managed to pull everything back together throughout this deliberate mess of a season was pretty incredible, especially after watching them foul it up for three season (definitely the last two, I’ll give Murder House a pass, though).

Sure, there were some strange times here and there, but overall, Freak Show was a fun hour of TV every week because you never knew what was coming, and you knew you were getting top-tier acting from 95% of the cast (we all know who I’m talkin’ about). Shoutout to Finn Wittrock for coming out of nowhere and dominating the season, with honorable mentions to Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, and Ms. Lange for the final three episodes; like a true veteran, she stepped up and carried this shit in the fourth quarter. Word to Neil Patrick Harris and Malcolm Jamal-Warner for coming through and doing their thing in their cameos as well. If you’re looking to start someone out on American Horror Story, give them Freak Show, and go from there.

Super special shout to the AHS crew, Jody, Lindsay and Mel, as I told y’all, the show was only eclipsed by the company. Can’t wait for the next one!

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E12 – Show Stoppers

The main issue I have with American Horror Story is the inability to tie up loose ends in a timely fashion. Freak Show might have discovered the magic formula with “Show Stoppers”: with one episode left, they just decided to kill everybody and the results were encouraging. Let’s go…..

-Stanley rolls up to the freak show, where the freaks are partyin’ and celebrating Elsa’s sale to Chester, and she asks him to leave so she can be alone with the group. Really, she just wants him to be gone so they can be alone with Stanley, and they give all kinds of hints that they’re gon’ kill him. Eve in particular looks like she wants to kill him so bad, she might say fuck the plan and just get it in. They bring out a present for Stanley, and it turns out to be the head of the morbidity museum curator, who was murdered by Desiree and distracted by Maggie, who tells him that she snitched on their plan. Stanley starts coppin’ pleas, talkin’ about how great Hollywood will be, but that doesn’t stop him from going on the knife-throwing wheel and he eventually gets a knife in the leg as he tries to run away. But while he is escaping, he does manage to yell out, “she killed Ethel!”, so hold on to that. He scurries and scurries, but eventually gets trapped under a bus and surrounded by the freaks, and nothing good is about to happen for him.

-Elsa tells Jimmy she is gon’ take care of him since his mother is dead (and there has to be a little guilt involved), and Dell is dead because he tried to harm the freaks. Jimmy is furious and yells that he has no hands and can’t take a piss, which might be his best line of the series so far. Elsa also says she tracked down the doctor that worked on her legs and Maggie is gon’ clean his stumps, which he isn’t a fan of, but he really doesn’t have a choice. Then they try to have a moment, Maggie says she hates hurting Jimmy and she loves him, and Jimmy isn’t havin’ it at all, basically telling her to leave the show. I just can’t buy it from these two. They’re trying, I guess.

-The doctor, Massimo Dolcefino, shows up at the big top and he is played by Danny Huston, also known as the Axeman from Coven. They have a big, long hug and show more emotion in 15 seconds than Jimmy and Maggie have over like, eight episodes.

-The twins have decided they love the sex and want it all the time, and Chester is like, yeah, I’m in, but the doll has to be there, which is going to wear thin eventually, right? Right. So the twins ask if Marjorie can be put away, they cut to human Marjorie (Jamie Brewer) and yeah, it’s a bit off-putting. But I mean, I don’t think he had to throw her on the floor. That isn’t gon’ work out well for anyone, and Marjorie isn’t happy about the new changes in the relationship. Chester thinks that the twins are going to cure him of everything before Marjorie calls him a murderer, and we flash back to the death of his wife and her girlfriend, which we learn was really done by Chester. I was kinda caught off-guard because, well, Marjorie is a fucking doll and as she points out, incapable of murder. But two things: one, I really don’t put a whole lot of thinking in American Horror Story and two, come on, is a killer doll REALLY outside of the realm of possibility on this show? HAVE YOU SEEN THE OPENING CREDITS? Anyway, Marjorie puts it in Chester’s head that the twins have to go.

-The freaks are sitting around, looking at old pictures of Ethel and they’re tryna figure out their next course of action with Elsa selling the freak show. Finally, one of the third-tier freaks pipes up like, “so we’re not gon’ talk about what Stanley said, with the Elsa and the murder and the Ethel?”. They kick around a few ideas, and come to the conclusion that Ethel wouldn’t have killed herself, and they aim to kill Elsa.

-The twins are talking about Chester, the sex and the doll, and then Dandy enters their room with a dossier or some shit. He tells them that his mother has died and it was sudden and awful, but he left out the little part about him murdering her and having bath time in her blood. He says that he comes in friendship, although he would have loved to marry them, and he wants to offer them protection because he has some new information on Chester, because that doesn’t sound creepy at all. The twins aren’t hearing it and tell him to get out, but Dandy does leave the dossier with them.

-Elsa takes Massimo to Jimmy to talk about new hands, and Jimmy wants hooks, but Elsa shows him her wooden legs and is like, they’ve worked out well for me. Then Elsa and Massimo have a little exchange in which she talks about how much she trusts him and would have married him for saving her, but he replies that he loved her too much, so much that he went on a Kill Bill-esque revenge hunt on the dudes that cut off her legs and killed every last one of them. So he was found by heir leader, who was…….the crazy doctor from Asylum. We know he doesn’t play around, and he hooked up jumper cables to Massimo’s, um, junk, because I’m tryna keep it classy. He managed to escape, but he has no humanity left because of the war and having jumper cables attached to his nuts (so much for classy), and he leaves. Jimmy is sittin’ there like, so, how these hands? But again, one scene between Elsa and Massimo destroys everything Jimmy and Maggie have ever done. Take notes, kids.

-Chester is in the big top, explaining to everyone how the show will go with him in charge. The twins have read the dossier, so they obviously know something is up with Chester now and they say they don’t want to be his assistant anymore, and he is like, well, the new trick in the show is that I’m sawing you in half, so suck it up. Maggie, being the worst psychic ever, volunteers to take their place in the box, but Chester is seeing his wife and then her girlfriend. The freaks are kinda sitting around watching this like, ummmmmmm……should we stop him? Then Chester is all in makeup and costume, preparing to do this trick and I have no idea why he is in all the makeup, but whatever makes him comfortable. He puts shackles on her feet and it’s right around this time that Maggie is like, yo, I can’t move my legs, bruh, while he is going on about his wife and going to the war for her, and she says he should have died over there. Again, not one of the freaks has stepped up to help Maggie. Then Chester starts seeing Marjorie in the box and Maggie is like, YOOOOOO I’M IN HERE, BRUH. But Chester gets to sawing, and holy shit, we just watched Maggie get sawed in half and this season of American Horror Story has been saved. Shit is getting a “B” at the very least now.

-Marjorie is partyin’, just pointing and laughing while the rest of the freaks are like, what in the hell? Chester is stumbling around, disoriented and pulls apart the box to spill Maggie’s guts onto the floor, and he says he can put her back together, but that shit ain’t happening. Marjorie continues to laugh and Chester blames it all on her before running off. Desiree says that Maggie had it coming, and that they should rob her of her jewelry and bury her because, well, it’s practical. Chester follows Marjorie back to their room and she wants to leave, but he stabs her as well, like, multiple times.

-Cut to a flashback of Jimmy’s early days at the freak show and he is throwing up before a performance with Ethel, who encourages him, and then we’re in the present as Eve is telling him that Maggie is dead and Elsa is next. At this point, Jimmy is like, whatever, man. He has lost his mom, his dad that he never knew, he didn’t get the twins, he has been accused of killing like, nine women (Whatever happened to that anyway? They broke son outta jail and that’s it? Anyway…), I assume he has given up on big girl and now the closest thing he has left to a mother is going to die, too. And I still don’t feel sorry for him. But he is about to get some new hands, though, so that’s cool.

-The twins roll up on Elsa and find out the truth about her legs. They warn her that the freaks are coming for her because of what she did to Ethel, and Elsa is like, they wouldn’t kill me and the twins are like, do you wanna test that theory? Elsa realizes that she doesn’t want to at all. Meanwhile, the freaks are gathering up to do this and Desiree screams Ethel’s name and drinks all of the booze, then smashes a bottle and leads the way. I want Desiree to make inspirational speeches as I’m getting ready to do stuff.

-The freaks find Elsa’s tent empty, with only a record playing, because she has gotten the fuck outta dodge. After the commercial break, we return to Elsa sitting in a car where she is met by Dandy, who gives her an envelope and a bunch of money. I need to know what is in the envelope.

-Chester walks into the police station, covered in blood and confesses to the murder of Marjorie, which the cops are like, that’s a doll…..but whose blood is that all over your shit? So they’ll figure out that is Maggie’s blood, and he is done. Nice little arc for Neil Patrick Harris, but did we expect anything less than greatness from him?

-The freak show looks like a hurricane came through town, and ironically, Dandy pulls up to announce that he is taking inventory because he owns everything and everyone now. He is looking around, checking shit out and he hears a noise. He walks behind the stage in the big top to find Stanley, in a coop, with no arms, legs or tongue and dressed up like Meep. That’s some good revenge right there. Dandy is full of delight at seeing this because, well, he’s fucking Dandy.

-Massimo shows Jimmy his new clawhands, even though I would have asked for fingers now, but I guess he is used to claws. What they should have done was took Stanley’s hands and given them to Jimmy on some Frankenstein shit, but what do I know?

Quite the body count in this episode of Freak Show, sort of similar to Coven‘s penultimate episode, “Go To Hell”. If we get some sort of Freak Olympics like we did in Coven‘s finale, I might throw my laptop out of the window. If I had to guess, I’d expect Freak Show‘s finale to be Dandy-heavy with a 68% chance of him dying. The twins gotta go too, because we already saw their body in the museum, but with the curator dead now, is that still even a thing? Please, Freak Show, end the streak of terrible American Horror Story finales. We’re all counting on you.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E11 – Magical Thinking

American Horror Story: Freak Show returns for its stretch run and while I thought there was only one episode left after “Magical Thinking”, it turns out there are two. This is important because there was no way they could successfully wrap this up in one more episodes. Let’s go…..

-We find out that, two days ago (from what, I’m still not sure), Stanley is still tryna chat up Jimmy in jail, and Stanley throws out the plan that Jimmy could afford a good lawyer if he gives up his left hand. If he doesn’t, Stanley tells him he could end up like Meep, which is very likely, and he gives Jimmy a bottle of something. We all know they won’t end well, and of course, Jimmy starts puking right away, and Stanley starts yelling at the guard to get an ambulance there. I’m still not sure what to think of Denis O’Hare. I don’t know if he’s good, or he’s good in something as ridiculous as AHS.

-Stanley obviously has an ambulance on deck, driven by the fake doctor that couldn’t remember his lines from a few episodes ago, and he puts Stanley under so they can start. Jimmy wakes up in a hospital and realizes that something happened, and he needs something for the pain, but the nurse is like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP, you killed one of my homegirls at the tupperware party massacre. Poor Jimmy; mufucka is in too much pain to say, “IT WASN’T ME”. He looks down and notices that he is missing not just one, but two hands. Because why wouldn’t Stanley take both hands? How are people still trusting this dude? Anyway, welcome back, American Horror Story.

-The twins are happy, completely down with the freak show way of life. Dot has what I think is a beer or some sort of alcohol, Bette is making dirty jokes, and the plan is that they’re tryna have sex with someone. They don’t even need the diaries anymore because they’re that content with life now on some “Twins Gone Wild” shit. They walk into the big top to find a new person who just had to see what the freak show was all about: Chester Creb, who handles lizards apparently, he was in the Army and does some magic as well. Neil Patrick Harris finally makes his AHS appearance and I heard a while ago that he was gon’ be on, but I forgot about it until we saw his name in the opening credits. He also has a thing for magic in real life, I learned from his Nerdist Podcast episode. So you obviously have to think something is up with him because NPH isn’t playing a bit character. He is also a travelling salesman, and Dot says in her head, “you know what they say about them”. Um, what DO they say about travelling salesmen? And now that I think about it……Theo Huxtable (I can’t remember dude’s AHS name for the life of me) is also a travelling salesman….he and Chester on some tag-team shit?

-Dell goes to visit Jimmy in the hospital, and Michael Chilikis does some good overacting when he realizes what is going on with Stanley and Jimmy’s lack of hands. Dell tells him the story of why he doesn’t have the lobster claws, although his pops and brother did, and was chastised for being normal, so he booked when jimmy was born. Meanwhile, Jimmy is looking at his food like, hey, a little help here. It was a nice moment and all, but Dell killing Ma Petite destroys any sympathy you might have for him.

-Chester does his magic act for Elsa, who is looking to sell the freak show, remember, but she isn’t feeling the magic act. What she is feeling, however, is his organizational skills and she asks him to join the show as a de facto accountant. We also find out that Chester has some ventriloquist skills and a doll named Marjorie, who is very, um, involved in his life. After his little spiel about joining a family, he goes back to his trailer and we find out that Marjorie speaks, and I just can’t figure out where her voice is from…….until my homegirl blurts out, “PRETTY GIRL!”. BAM…..it’s Jamie Brewer, also known as the young daughter from Murder House (she just wanted to be a pretty girl, you know), and Nan from Coven. Well done, Ryan Murphy, well done.

-Then Paul walks in and is like, uhhhhhhhhhh, I heard voices, bruh, and Chester gives him some shit about rehearsing. Paul doesn’t buy it at all like, this mufucka is crazy as shit. But then we get a shot of Chester looking in a mirror, and the human version of Marjorie is behind him, but then he turns around and she is a doll again, but giggling. Oh man…….OH MAN.

-Dell runs up on Elsa, who is packing up her things with Eve, and he tells her what Stanley has done with Jimmy’s hands, but Elsa ain’t tryna hear it and kicks him out. Eve follows him and she’s willing to overlook their past beef as she wants to help Dell out with the Stanley situation. Dell knows how Eve gets down and ain’t tryna get that ass kicked again, so he’s down with the plan.

-The twins are chillin’ when Chester  comes by their trailer, and he comes by with some magic tricks. They’re all amazed by his tricks, or they’re just acting so they can get what they want, which is the D. But he has other ideas as Chester tells them that he found some old props, and one of them is the box from the saw-mufuckas-in-half trick (that is the technical name for it, I looked). He explains to them how it works and that he wants them to be his assistants, because they’re beautiful and such. My question is, why is he wearing so much makeup during the trick? I didn’t know magicians needed that much makeup, but whatever. We go to one of his flashbacks from when Chester was in the Army, and there are two women making out on a bed, so he is comfortable with threesomes……but, um, yeah, he is sitting in the corner with Marjorie the doll, just watching. Nah…..not creepy at all, jeez.

-The cops are taking Jimmy out of the hospital and back to the station, when their truck is attacked by Dell and Eve, who stands in the middle of the road to throw a brick through the window, then jumps out of the way in some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if CGI is even the right term, but it was so ridiculously awesome, even better the second time around. Dell beats the dogshit outta one cop with a crowbar while Eve sorts the other one out, and they get Jimmy outta dodge.

-The twins are playin’ that sexy music, getting ready to visit Chester , who is talking to Marjorie and I’m so confused as to who can hear her. Is it all in his head? Can other people hear it? I think the latter is true because Paul said he heard voices, but you never know with American Horror Story. Even the twins are like, that is excellent how you can throw your voice like that and Chester is like, uuuuuuh, yeah, that was me. Anyway, the twins don’t waste any time and ask him if he’ll take their virginity. Chester is down, but he starts to get a headache and a piercing noise comes out of nowhere. Go to another flashback, and the women are making out again while he watches with the doll, and the women are like, okay, you need to get rid of that shit. We learn that it is his wife, who started a lesbian relationship while he was in the war, and his wife’s girlfriend was like, I’ma make these two fingers disappear….IN YOUR WIFE. And again, with the piercing noise. The twins are like, we know what will help with that: tittays. They place his hand on their chest and things are about to get poppin’, but Chester is like, I need the doll and they’re like, man, whatever, let’s just do this, weirdo. So, the sex gets had on the floor.

-SPLIT SCREEN SEX! Coming to the next edition of Grand Theft Auto, I bet.

-So, we head over to Mott Manor, where the cop that killed Precious for Dandy has done some investigating and tells Dandy that the twins are fuckin’ with Chester now. Dandy gets that murderous cry look going and keeps repeating, “they were supposed to be mine”. Oh yeah….mufuckas gon’ die.

-We get a cool nighttime shot of the freak show, and Chester is tryna put Marjorie in a box, and she is not having it at all. Go back to another flashback of his wife’s girlfriend, who hid Marjorie and starts shitting on dude for still wearing his uniform four years later, and needing a doll to get an erection. He doesn’t care about his wife cheating, this woman destroying his entire existence, just give him the doll back. He looks over the woman’s shoulder and sees human Marjorie saying they need to get rid of her and his wife, then Paul walks in like, dude, if you can stop talkin’ to yourself for one friggin’ minute, Elsa wants to talk to you. Good Lord, Chester’s character is a hot mess.

-Turns out Elsa wants to sell the freak show to Chester before she leaves, but he wants to make Marjorie the headliner and not only that, he wants to give her Elsa’s room. Jessica Lange’s face during this entire scene is priceless. Lookin’ at Chester like, you wanna do what for this doll, now? Word? WORD?

-Chester goes back to his trailer and Marjorie is gone again, which is great timing because the cops roll up to the freak show looking for Jimmy after the Dell/Eve escape. They’re pissed because cops are dead, and they encounter Chester’s crazy ass yelling about them finding the doll and again, Elsa is like, is this guy fucking serious? The cops are like, wayament, dude is talking about a fucking doll? Chester stumbles off and Elsa is like, look what I gotta deal with. The cops proceed to start tearing the freak show apart.

-Chester is looking for Marjorie throughout the freak show, and he runs into Dandy on the carousel. Dandy’s fur pimp coat might turn out to be one of the top five things that come out of Freak Show, like he just came back from asking bitches where his money was at. Anyway, he feels into Chester being delusional and Dandy has really done his background work or should I say, the cop did. He found out that Chester’s wife and girlfriend were killed by Chester, who told the cops that Marjorie did it and now he is on the run. However, we see that Chester walked into a bloody bedroom where human Marjorie had beaten them with a hammer because they should have let them join in; they should have been included. Hey bruh, Pretty Girl just wanted in on this threesome. Even Dandy looks at Chester like, that’s pretty fucked up, b. That is when you KNOW you’re crazy.

-The way Dandy says, “what a sicko”, right before the cop tells him about the murder was so fucking good. Finn Wittrock, bruh. Dude is a beast in this role.

-Dandy tells Chester that Marjorie is in the big top and there she is, eating grapes and shit. She demands to get top billing, but not only that, she orders Chester to saw the twins in half. Basically, she did the dirty work last time, it’s his turn. I’m thinking she is like his dark passenger, like in Dexter. Also, with NPH in the house, we’re about to get the musical number to end all AHS musical numbers.

-Maggie shows up in Elsa’s room, saying she has something to show her. Meanwhile, Desiree is waiting for Dell in his trailer, and she has a gun, saying they have a lot to talk about. He admits killing the cops when he broke Jimmy out, but Desiree is like, you did some other shit, too. While this is going on, we see Maggie leading Elsa to the jar that has Ma Petite in it, and Desiree gets Dell to cop to that as well. That’s all Elsa needed to hear, because she shoots Dell in the back of the head.

-Apparently, this morbidity museum doesn’t have a lick of security, because you can just walk the fuck out with a jar containing a dead little person.

I definitely like this episode better after the second time I watched it, and I think it’s because I know there are two episodes left after this instead of one. That means a little more time to flesh out this Chester storyline, but AHS is notorious for bringing some new shit with like, two episodes to go, and then the conclusion feels rushed.

Our AHS crew also asks the question of Elsa and the connection to Asylum, which we saw in “Orphans”. Does Elsa go crazy after moving to Hollywood and end up as the nun at Briarcliff? After Ep.10, none of that shit is off the table in American Horror Story: Freak Show.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E10 – Orphans

The 10th episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show, “Orphans”, packed a lot into an extended episode. We got a few backstories, confirmation that the creators, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, are indeed calling back to the past editions of the show, a few old faces return and it was actually well written. Let’s go……..

-I never knew his name, but Salty has died in his sleep and Pepper is a mess, which is fair enough as the two were basically inseparable. Elsa says he dies of a stroke, but I don’t believe and just then, Stanley approaches her, so I definitely don’t believe her. He tells her he received a telegram from the TV network saying that Elsa has to go to Hollywood in three weeks, so she needs her rest, but Elsa wants to take care of Pepper, which also means Salty’s body. Stanley says he’ll take care of it, which means cutting his head off and sending it to the morbidity museum. So, that is two weeks in a row that a head is cut off before we get to the opening credits of Freak Show, and I wanna say it’s the third beheading of the season along with Ethel and Gloria Mott.

-Desiree reads Pepper a story and then tries to leave to prepare for her show, but Pepper throws a fit and starts breaking stuff. Desiree asks her if she is done yet and orders her to clean everything up, because Angela Bassett is not here for your shit. Ms. Bassett has been underused after wreckin’ shop on Coven. She looks like she’s about to give Pepper some sympathy until Pepper throws shit in HER direction and she’s like, nah, bruh, not here. Dell tries to interrupt during this exchange and beg for Desiree back, but again, she’s not here for your shit. She all but says, dude, you like penis, go do that.

-She goes to Elsa’s trailer to tell her about Pepper, which sparks Elsa to tell Desiree about Pepper’s story. Elsa wanted to start her own freak show and needed to find freaks, so she went to the place where people throw away what they don’t want: an orphanage. She finds Pepper and starts playing with her, and takes her to the show (just walking her out of the orphanage because the adoption process wasn’t shit back then, apparently), where Pepper starts dancin’ around, partyin’ like shit. I’m not sure what was entertaining about this to people, but I’ll let it rock because Pepper is one of the few genuinely good and pure things left on Freak Show, which scares me that she’ll die. She was also left at the orphanage by her sister, but more on that later.

-We also learn the story of Ma Petite, who came with a Maharaja that came to see the show, and Elsa wanted her, but the leader was like, nah. So, she offers him a Dr. Pepper…..and he loves it so much that he trades Ma Petite for three cases of the shit. Now, if I’m following this great leader, I’m like, dude, your negotiation skills are terrible. But Elsa gets what she wants and Pepper has to look after her, which gives her a purpose. Then Salty comes from a boys home in Cincinnati, and Elsa marries the two eerily similar people. This story in a nutshell is why you love American Horror Story. Desiree tells Elsa that she has to take Pepper to her sister since she has lost Salty, Ma Petite and Elsa will be off to Hollywood soon, and Elsa reluctantly agrees.

-Desiree comes through Maggie’s tent with her new man, Angus (THEO HUXTABLE), and we learn that Angus is a travelling salesman. Now, I have written down, “does Theo know about the triple-tittay action?” and literally, two seconds later, Desiree saunters on stage just shakin’ and swingin’ them shits, so I wrote, “well, there goes that”. Then Maggie goes on a rant about everything is going to go downhill for Angus and Desiree, and the two storm out of the tent, but Angus says something about being a Christian and not believing in future-telling. I wonder if there is anything in the Bible about messin’ with three-tittied ladies with crazy genitalia, but hey, believe what you wanna, bruh.

-Desiree finds Maggie, drunk, on the carousel to find out what the hell that was all about, and Maggie decides to spill that she and Stanley are working together, not to kill freaks and sell them, but to pickpocket the freak show customers. Then she tells the story of how they met as she was selling newspapers, but would steal shit as well. She gets picked up by a cop, who is played by Brandon Stacy, who myself and my homegirl Lindsay SWORE we saw before as Bloody Face from Asylum, but I looked through his credits and it wasn’t him; he was played by Zachary Quinto, who hasn’t been in AHS since. But Quinto played Spock in the new Star Wars movies; Stacy played Spock in something called Star Trek New Voyages: Phase II. This is JUST getting started.

-Back to Maggie, she rolls with Stanley because he saves her from being arrested, and the two form their team. Desiree puts two and two together that freaks have been dying since they arrived and even though Maggie denies it, Desiree doesn’t trust her at all. Maggie bails to her tent, but finds Bette and Dot, who give her money to get Jimmy out of jail since people won’t take too kindly to them. Seems like they have a plan of some sort; I just want them to kick Maggie’s ass.

-Stanley visits Jimmy in jail and gives him some story about being an orphan as well, and asks Jimmy if he killed those women. Jimmy says he doesn’t remember as he was quite drunk, but can you kill nine women at once and not remember? Anyway, Stanley says he can get a lawyer, but he needs money and Jimmy doesn’t have any. He then leaves, but comes back and says he has an idea of how to raise the money, and looks at Jimmy’s lobster hands. Them shits probably go for a pretty penny.

-Maggie finds Desiree the next day and begs her to come to the morbidity museum because she is done with the lies, and Desiree doesn’t believe her at first, until she sees Ma Petite’s body, followed by Salty’s head. But the kicker is seeing Jimmy’s hands, and Maggie is like, nah, this has gone too far now. There are a ton of questions going on via text, namely if Jimmy would bleed out and how the hands got there that fast, but now I conclude that it’s American Horror Story and logic is for suckers. Also, Angela Bassett vs. Emma Roberts in an acting match is like me against Mike Tyson in his prime. And the thing is, Roberts was probably at her very best in this episode.

-Elsa takes Pepper to her sister in Massachusetts, and her sister, Rita, is played by Mare Winningham, who isn’t even listed in the IMDB for this episode. But she was in Coven for a couple episodes (she was Evan Peters’ mother who molested him) and she has been in a ton on TV and movies, so it continues. She’s a wicked bitch, but also, something doesn’t sit well with me. She messes up the “clogged pipes” line when telling Elsa why she couldn’t have children, and she walks away talking to herself. Something is amiss.

-Elsa then says goodbye to Pepper, and a brotha got all in his feelings. This is the first time this season that Elsa has been worth a damn and she is genuinely sad to be doing this, and even though it is selfish because she has to do what is best for her, Elsa still has ties to Pepper, who was her first freak. It’s pretty heartbreaking, especially when you know that Rita doesn’t give nary damn about Pepper.

-We come back from commercial and Rita is speaking to someone about her troubles with Pepper, and how she had a child that had something wrong with it, but it never says what and we never find out. But we do find out that someone is Sister Mary Eunice……who is played by Lily Rabe, and I start partyin’. She is one of a few that has been in all four seasons of AHS, along with Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, Evan Peters and Frances Conroy. Rabe played the Sister Mary role in Asylum, and she was Nora in Murder House and Misty in Coven (although the Stevie Nicks thing got real weird, real fast). So obviously, the two are speaking at Briarcliff, which is the setting for Asylum.

-A little aside: I heard that all of the AHS seasons were connected somehow, but I never knew that Ryan Murphy purposely did it, and this smacked me in the face. Again, my homegirl called it earlier in the episode with the orphanage, but a lot happened in this hour and I never thought much of it until we saw Sister Mary, and for as nonsensical and ridiculous as American Horror Story is, to make all these connections between four stand-alone seasons takes a lot of skill. Well done, Murphy (Falchuk too, I guess, but I’ve read Murphy is the driving force. Maybe he’s the one who does all the interviews and such, but Falchuk has written and directed his share of AHS episodes).

-Anyway, Rita tells about her home life, which she makes seem is hell for her, but really, she is lying in bed, making Pepper take care of her deformed baby while fixing her martinis, and she accuses Pepper of trying to seduce her husband, who is a dick in his own right and comes up with a plan to kill either Pepper or the baby, or both, it isn’t clear at first. So what he does, is drown the baby after kicking Pepper out of the nursery, and the couple frame Pepper for the murder, which is how Rita comes to bring her to Briarcliff. We see Pepper in a strait jacket, banging her head in sadness against a wall, when Sister Mary comes into her room and after a conversation about the baby, she sees remorse in Pepper. Sister Mary wants to make Pepper her redemption project and takes Pepper to the messy library, where she teaches her to pile up magazines such as Readers’ Digest, National Geographic and Time. Pepper is Rain Man with that shit, but as the episode ends, we see her picking up an issue of Time…..that has Elsa on the cover, and Elsa is now a huge TV star.

I’m putting “Orphans” up in the all-time pantheon episodes of American Horror Story, and while there have been a couple episodes this season that have been very good, they’re not topping this, and if you would have told me that an episode about Pepper would steal the season, I would have called you a liar. Pepper gave Elsa humanity after a season of being just awful, and she really tied together all of the AHS seasons with old faces coming back, and hell, she made me want to go back and watch Asylum; not to mention, they gave Angela Bassett some burn after I said she was underused this season. If you bailed on Freak Show before this episodes, I really don’t blame you, but I recommend “Orphans” highly. The only problems are that we now have to wait until January 7th for a new episode due to the holidays (because nothing says Merry Christmas like American Horror Story), and the sinking feeling that this could be the peak before a disaster of a finale.