Tag Archives: Alliser Thorne

Game Of Thrones S06E03 – Oathbreaker

Game Of Thrones had a lot to live up to after last week’s “Home“, which got a lot of people excited. They had to take their foot off the gas a little after that, but “Oathbreaker” was still a beast of an episode and put a few more pieces on the chess board, including one HUGE piece (or a prelude to the piece). Let’s go……….

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-I think I’ma continue the storyline-by-storyline format instead of scene-by-scene. I think it’s easier to follow and it’s easier for me to write. Again, shoutout to the GOT Wikia.

-Let’s start with Dany, who is being led by the Dothraki to Vaes Dothrak, or the House of 1000 Widows. She gets to the temple and the dosh khaleen, who is the queen of the widows, apparently, gets her naked and gives her another robe. Dany comes with her gang of nicknames, AKA Mother of Dragons, AKA Daenerys Stormborn blah blah blah and the dosh khaleen ain’t tryna hear that shit at all. The dosh khaleen tells Dany that she was in her position, and here she is. Now she has to wait until the khalasars figure out what to do with Dany because she bailed on the Dothraki after Drogo died. Meh. It’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come….and the dragons will come. One thing GOT is good at, is not stretching shit out too long and getting down to business, so that should be soon.

-Meanwhile in Meereen, Varys has a little chat with Vala, the prostitute that helped the Sons of the Harpy come in and wreck shop last season. He basically tells her to snitch on who is funding them, or she’ll die, which leaves her son as an orphan. In return, he’ll hook her up with silver and a boat to a new life, so the deal that he tried to give Shae, Tyrion’s (and Tywin) old squeeze. Then he goes to meet Tyrion, who has been tryna engage Grey Worm and Missandei in conversation, but it ain’t workin’. All Grey Worm wants to do is talk about work (we all know someone like that), and Missandei isn’t about that small-talk life, either, nor do they play drinking games, which is what Tyrion really wants to do because he’s a Lannister, although to be fair, we’ve only seen Tyrion and Cersei have a love for the wine.

Varys returns to tell them that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis; the first two are cities that Dany “freed” (Yunkai is the place where they passed Dany around like she was crowd-surfing and calling her “Mhysa”; Astopor is the place with the slaves nailed to crosses), and Volantis is where Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and took him to Dany. Anyway, they’re all coming together to fight Dany, who isn’t even there anymore, and Grey Worm wants to fight, obviously, but Missandei is against it because Meereen would be vulnerable. Tyrion says they have to think about it, but he asks Varys to send his little birds to send a message to those three cities. Solid scene, especially Tyrion tryna get Grey Worm and Missandei to be normal. They’re so dedicated to the way of life they’re in, it’s not like they’re tryna be assholes to Tyrion; they just don’t know how to shoot the shit, which is basically Tyrion’s life. But yeah, again, like above, it’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come out.

-The aforementioned little birds are actually children, and Qyburn is tryna get him on his side by giving them candy plums in exchange for “whispers”, or information. Cersei walks in with Jaime and FrankenMountain, and she tells Qyburn to get info on everyone who wants to take the Lannisters down, so basically everyone. She wants to know where the mufuckas were that were shaking their dicks at her, and throwing shit at her, the mufuckas that killed her daughter, people in the North that probably weren’t even thinking about her, but they’re gon’ get it, too. This is what I’m here for: the revenge of Cersei. Then they go to the Small Council meeting, and people aren’t happy about the FrankenMountain thing, partly because it’s kinda weird, and partly because they’re all afraid. So of course, Cersei and ’em walk in, and Lady Olenna Tyrell is back in the house, dropping some BARS on Cersei about how she might not know what it means to be the queen because she isn’t married to the king and quite frankly, the Lannisters are about that incest life. I had to pause it after she dropped that because of laughing…..Lady O is the fuckin’ best. Anyway, Lady O wants Margaery and Loras out, while Cersei and Jaime want revenge on the Sparrows, the Sand Snakes, anyone. But the Council, led by Uncle Kevan Lannister, decide to get up and leave. This is not gon’ make Cersei any happier, I’ll tell you that. At least she went in with a little respect before she just starts fuckin’ shit up. Because she WILL fuck shit up.

Then you have Tommen, who tries to bully the High Sparrow into letting Cersei see Myrcella’s final resting place. The High Sparrow says no, she hasn’t atoned fully yet and then proceeds to talk Tommen in circles about some shit that I don’t really care about. All I was thinking was, yo, KILL THIS DUDE. I’ve said this before, but one thing about Joffrey is that all this Sparrow shit would have been over a long time ago. What is this negotiation shit? But I guess it’s to make a distinction between the throne and the faith. I know Cersei won’t be happy when Tommen returns. He is so not built for this. This whole scene was the worst part of the episode. He really needs to go to Varys for some negotiation training, if this is how he’s gon’ go about it.

-Let’s go to Braavos, where Arya is continuing her training, and she’s gettin’ all kinds of fucked up by the Waif, who is asking her questions about her former life, which includes her family, the Hound, her death list, all that. But in true montage fashion (she is also mixing potions blindly), Arya finally gets better and can defend herself, and by the end of it, she even gets to hit the Waif. Jaqen comes in and the Waif goes away, and if I’m Arya, I’m now plotting to fuck her up in her sleep. Like, the worst shit I can think of. Anyway, Jaqen says she’ll have her sight back if she tells him her name and Arya says a girl has no name, which is getting old. Then he tells her to drink a bowl of water, the same shit that Arya has watched kill people, but Jaqen says that if she is no one, she has nothing to fear. She drinks it, the camera zooms in on her face and I’m like, BOOM, eyes…..and her eyes come back. Sure, it was predictable, but I’m down with Arya the Assassin, so it’s all good. So now, the question is, who is he training her to kill? The people on her list? Someone who has done him wrong in the past? Who would that even be? I guess we’ll see, but I’ll follow Arya fuckin’ people up.

-Next is Winterfell, where Ramsay is met by a fella named Smalljon Umber, who we have never met before. He doesn’t like the Boltons, he calls the late Roose a cunt, not once, but twice and accuses Ramsay of killing Roose, which is damn perceptive. He also says that he would have killed his own father if he had the chance. But he tells Ramsay that the Night’s Watch has let the wildlings past the Wall, and that the North is next, so they should come together. Ramsay says that he should bow to the Boltons and Smalljon is like, fuck all that noise, but I have a gift: he brings in Osha and Rickon, who we haven’t seen since Season 3 before the Red Wedding. Ramsey doesn’t believe that it is Rickon until Smalljon throws down the head of Shaggydog, Rickon’s direwolf. So now Ramsey is sitting pretty because he has the actual Lord of Winterfell in his position, and Rickon doesn’t know what the hell is going on. This might be better than marrying Sansa for Ramsay, and for all Rickon knows, his entire family is dead, so he doesn’t have much of a choice.

-But then we have Bran, who is watching a fight that he has heard about: Ned against the Targaryens at the end of Robert’s Rebellion. Ned is with Howland Reed, the father of Meera, who just in the last episode, said that she didn’t know what Bran needed her for. Long story short, Ned and ’em try to get to this Tower of Joy, and the Targaryen Kingsguard, led by Ser Arthur Dayne and Lord Commander Gerold Hightower. So basically, they gotta fight and the fight is on, eventually down to Ned and Arthur, and Arthur gets the better of Ned, but Howland stabs Arthur in the back of the neck. Ned, being honorable ol’ Ned, doesn’t really like that the dying Howland stepped in, but it is what it is, and he kills Ser Arthur. But then, we hear a woman scream from the tower and Ned goes to see who it is, and Bran (who yells at his father, who turns around as though he heard something) wants to follow him to see who it is, but the three-eyed raven stops the vision. Bran is mad, but the raven says that Bran has to learn everything before he leaves the cave. Sooooooooooooooo……..this is where we get the lowdown on Lyanna Stark, who was present in last week’s flashback with Ned and HodorWylis and such. That has to be her in the tower, and Ned goes to find her…..but I bet she has a baby with her, and I’ve got a pretty good idea on who that baby is. This is some other shit I’ve been waiting to find out, but I wanna let it unfold. Just think about it and I bet we all know who it is.

-Before the main event, I forgot about Sam and Gilly, who are on a boat going to Oldtown, which won’t allow women, so they have to figure that out. But first, Sam has to stop being seasick, because it’s Sam and it’s fitting. Also, Sam steppin’ up to the plate as the “father” of Young Sam or Little Sam or whatever the hell he’s called. Anyway, he’s gon’ take him to his home, Horn Hill, where his mom and sister are nice, but his father, not so much. I honestly forgot about this whole thing, but it’s on the backburner.

-We get to the Wall, where Davos is looking at a breathing and naked Jon like, what in the fuck is going on….she actually did it. Melisandre walks in like, YO I DID IT I FUCKIN TOLD YOU (not really, but you know she wanted to party). She asks him what he saw after he died and he was like, nothing, and she said the Lord of Light brought him back for a reason and he’s like, I have no idea what is going on. She leaves and Davos talks to Jon about all this, about him being dead and not being dead, and it doesn’t matter because he is here now. So Jon puts his gear on and walks out through the people, who all look like they’ve seen a ghost, and Tormund makes a dick joke before giving Jon a hug and Jon is like, yo, I just got stabbed, b, watch yourself. Then he hugs Edd, who went and got the wildlings.

Then the episode ends with Alliser, Olly’s little fuckass, and Alliser’s two homies that were behind the mutiny, and they’re chillin’ in some nooses, about to be hanged. Alliser says he’d make the same choice again because it was either betray the Night’s Watch or betray Jon…..the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. I get what he means, but he needs a speechwriter. Well, he did, before Jon swung that sword and cut the rope to hang the four. He tried to look at Olly and make Olly feel guilty, but Olly is the fucking devil and didn’t care. He was mad at Jon until the second he died, and hey, I guess I give it up to Olly and Alliser dying for what they believed in, no matter how wrong it was. Anyway, Jon takes off his cloak, gives it to Edd, which makes him the Lord Commander, and he says that his watch has ended as Jon walks away. I don’t know where the hell he thinks he’s going. It’s cold as a mufucka up there. But Melisandre and Davos won’t be far behind. Maybe he’ll bump into Sansa along the way because now, the Starks gotta get the band back together and save Rickon from becoming Ramsay’s puppet.

While “Oathbreaker” wasn’t as action-packed as “Home”, it was still pretty damn good, from the Ned fight scene to the hanging, which we all cheered about. But it was a game-changer in the fact that, well, just wait until you see who is in the tower. This is really the only theory I’ve subscribed to in terms of GOT, and they took a huge step in confirming that last night. But I figure next week they’ll get back to Sansa and Brienne, and we gotta figure out where Jon is going. Dorne will probably make an appearance (although I’d be cool with it being skipped), and let’s push along Operation: Get the Sparrows The Fuck Outta here, shall we? Oh, and dragons. Did they get out of the basement yet? Have they eaten? When will they hook up with Drogon and find Dany? Where the hell are Daario and Jorah, even? Still ain’t seen Littlefinger yet. Things are ratcheting up on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S05E10 – Mother’s Mercy

Game Of Thrones had large shoes to fill for the Season 5 finale as they not only had to follow Season 4’s beast of a final episode but they’ve been on a stunning run over the last few weeks after a subpar first half. Did “Mother’s Mercy” satisfy? I’d go so far as to say it was the best finale in the history of the series. Let’s go (shoutout to Mel for the picture, we all know it’s true, too)…..

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-Melisandre is so happy because the ice is melting, which means Stannis and his army can continue to march towards Winterfell, so that makes burning Shireen last week all good, right? Not so much. Stannis ain’t tryna hear anything she has to say, then he learns that half of the army he’d amassed bailed because of the Shireen thing, then he gets called out to the woods because Selyse hung herself over her newfound maternal guilt. Good. I ain’t like her anyway. But Stannis decides they’re still going to march, because dammit, all these people didn’t die for nothing….or did they? Stannis is so damn stubborn, b.

-Jon is describing what he saw at Hardhome to Sam, who asks Jon if he can go study to be a maester at Oldtown with Gilly and her baby, which you get the feeling is why he really wants to leave. Jon says to Sam that the Citadel is another place where he won’t be allowed to be with women and Sam was like, too late for that, playboy and hits this smirk that might have been the most humorous moment of the episode. They both broke that fuckass “no sex” rule, and both were with wildlings. That’s why everyone is so mad up at Castle Black. Ain’t no one fuckin’.

-Stannis and his sorry army are slothing towards Winterfell with their tattered flags and like, 45 people, then we cut to Sansa picking the lock to get of her room with the corkscrew she stole a couple episodes ago while she was walking with Ramsey, then of course SHE DROPS THE CORKSCREW. Much like Sam and the dragonglass, Sansa must have figured, hey, I don’t need that anymore. Anyway, she rushes through the courtyard to the tower in which she was to light the candle. Meanwhile, Pod Da Gawd sess Stannis and ’em rolling towards Winterfell and drops his rabbits and firewood, even though he was like, 20 steps from Brienne, who is waiting to see the candle. So of course, she obviously leaves like, 14 seconds before Sansa lights the candle. Sansa might have the worst luck of anyone that is still alive on Game Of Thrones. But shoutout to her, I never thought she’d even make it up the tower.

-Stannis is formulating a plan with his army, when they see in the distance that the Boltons aren’t waiting for them; they’re taking the fight to Stannis, who is like, you GOTTA be fuckin’ kidding me. Sansa is also looking out of the tower window at this like, it’s about to go down. Now, it was said that Dany was resigning herself to death and not summoning Drogon in “Dance With Dragons“? Nah, Stannis’ look is the look of someone resigning himself to death because it’s like, 1,000 against 12 people and they’re not going to win. At all. Ever. But Stannis being Stannis, he pulls out his sword and gets to fighting.

-We see half a man crawling on the ground as the fight doesn’t last very long, I assume. Stannis is wounded, but pressing on and he takes down two Bolton soldiers, but he suffers another wound and basically lays against a tree to die. Up walks Brienne, who tells Stannis who she is and that she saw Melisandre’s vagina shadow kill Renly, but the shadow was bearing Stannis’ face, which I didn’t know. Stannis tells her to do her duty and she draws her sword and swings it, but it cuts to Ramsey killing someone before we see Stannis die….which leads me to believe he isn’t dead. After last week’s fuckery with Shireen, I just think they’d want us to see him die, dammit, we saw Ned’s head rolling on the ground, and a million other deaths in this show. Didn’t see it, didn’t happen.

-Cut to a scene of Ramsey not showing mercy on a dude, just in case you forgot he was an asshole.

-Sansa is walking back to her room, tryna sneak when she was greeted by Myranda, who has a bow and arrow, Theon/Reek is also there, being a punk and Myranda is threatening to take her apart piece by piece because she knows that Ramsey still needs an heir. I’m not even sure what she was thinking was going to happen when Ramsey came back, but she decides to shoot at Sansa, but Theon/Reek throws her up against a wall and then down into the courtyard, and I’m pretty sure she bounced. There goes Ramsey’s chance for the weirdest threesome in TV history.

-Then Theon/Reek sees the Boltons returning, and the decision is made to jump down into some snow. I’m not sure how much snow they jumped into, just how far it went up the wall, but they did it and someone had to have rolled an ankle at the very least. I watched Omar jump off the fourth floor in The Wire and he broke that shit. I can’t tell me someone doesn’t have a broken foot, at least.

-Meryn Trant is again being a scumbag with three little girls lined up, and he starts whipping them, because Game Of Thrones always has to go the extra mile to make you hate someone, and I respect that. He whips two of the girls and they start crying and one of them gets punchedĀ in the stomach, but the third doesn’t budge and you had to know what it was Arya, which I called last week. But the kicker is that she had someone else’s face, so I assume she now has unlimited access to the face pantry at the House of Black and White. So she pulls off her face and starts stabbing Meryn in the eyes and reminds him that he made the kill list, and why she is doing this.

-So she goes back to the House, where Jaqen and the Waif are waiting and he tells Arya that Meryn’s life wasn’t hers to take. Then he drinks the poison and collapses, and Arya freaks out, crying and saying he was her friend, which he absolutely wasn’t at all, but behind her, the Waif then changes into Jaqen’s face and says he is no one, while the person laying on the ground has multiple faces, which Arya keeps ripping off until she gets to her own face, then her eyes turn white and she’s now blind. Why do I get the feeling we’ll come back next season to Arya in full-fledged “Jackie Chan in The Drunken Master” mode? We better. This is getting frustrating.

-Jaime and crew are leaving Dorne and Ellaria gives Myrcella a kiss, which is strange, but okay, sure. Bronn is still tryna keep the doors open for a Sand Snake orgy, and the boat leaves. Then Myrcella and Jaime are talking, and Jaime figures this is the best time to tell Myrcella about he and Cersei, and she’s like, dude, I already know, which brought up two things in my head: one, who DOESN’T know about this already and two, she’s gon’ die. They hug, but Myrcella starts bleeding from the nose and collapses, then it cuts to Ellaria, who is also bleeding, but she takes the antidote that Bronn used. I love how the boat was like, 100 feet from the shore. And this doesn’t bode well for Trystane at all. He might not make it back to King’s Landing now. At best, he’ll be tortured.

-Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chillin’ at Dany’s house, and it’s agreed upon that Daario and Jorah both love Dany, and Jorah betrayed her, and Grey Worm walks in to say that he shouldn’t be there, but what is he gon’ do about it? Tyrion makes a terrible attempt at speaking Valeryian, then the three argue about how to move forward. The plan that comes about is that Tyrion will stay back to run Meereen, while Grey Worm and Missandei also stay to work with the Unsullied, AKA the worst army in Game Of Thrones, while Jorah and Daario go out looking for Dany. One of those two aren’t coming back. My guess is Daario, but Jorah still has to deal with datĀ ‘scale. Maybe they both die? I’d be okay with that.

-But perhaps the best thing to come out of this episode happens as Varys walks up on Tyrion to be like, the fuck did you go? But the two get back on the saddle, and it looks like Varys is playing Joe Biden to Tyrion’s Obama. They’re both kinda creepy (Varys and Uncle Joe), so it works. That should be good stuff until they find Dany.

-Meanwhile, Dany is tryna get Drogon up and running so they get back to Meereen, but he took a lot of spears to the body and he’s like, Moms, I need to chill for just a little while, my shit hurts. So Dany decides it’s a good idea to go for a walk and I get that you’re hungry, but I’m not walking anywhere by myself out in these streets. So of course, she gets surrounded by a group of Dothraki and if I’m not mistaken, it’s the same group that left her at the end of Season 1 or beginning of Season 2. They didn’t part on good terms, but the game has changed now because she has dragons; it’ll be pretty interesting to see if they know this, but dammit, they’ll find out soon enough.

-Also, she dropped her ring on the ground and I’m guessing that was for someone to at least know she was there, but she dropped a ring in some grass on a hill out in the woods. I can’t wait to roll my eyes next season when they show Jorah and Daario finding that.

-Cersei has not acclimatized to jail life at all, and the Nun comes in to tell her to confess because that is the only word she knows. Cersei is like, fine, take me to the High Sparrow and while she confesses about the stuff with Lancel, she denies the Jaime/birthing two bastard kings business as well, but hey, it’s a start. Cersei thinks that all is good, she confessed, we can keep it moving, yeah? NOAP. The High Sparrow says she still has to stand trial, which entails getting stripped naked and getting her hair cut by the nun with a straight razor, which is more or less just pulling it out. Then she has to do the worst walk of shame in the history of walks of shame, and man, I don’t care, I’m now riding with Cersei all the way. Mufuckas were throwin’ cabbage at her, shaking their dicks and titties at her, one dude literally came from like, 15 feet back to yell “FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFF” right in her face (not gon’ lie, this actually made me laugh, REAL hard, harder on the second watch), all the while, she has the nun behind her shaking a bell and repeating “Shame”, so she knows two words now. But she finally falls to the ground and it’s hard to watch Cersei break down like this, and yes, I get it. She did all this shit to herself, she isn’t as smart as her father and she has no one to blame and it’s kinda irrational that I fucks with her now….but I fucks with her now.

-I don’t know what the High Sparrow’s definition of a trial is, but that wasn’t a trial. Someone spit the largest loogie in Game Of Thrones history right on her cheek. How is that a trial?

-Anyway, she finally gets to the Red Keep where her uncle Kevan (the King’s Hand) there, along with Grand Maester Pycelle and Qyburn, who puts a cloak on her. But then he points at the stairs and there is the reanimated Mountain in a suit of armor, lookin’ dead as shit with a blue face and I bet he smells just awful. He picks Cersei and the last look we see from her is one of, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH”. Once she gets cleaned up and gets a couple bottles of wine up in her, and gives Qyburn to input instructions into FrankenMountain? My God. The Sparrows are so fucked. Not even the Sparrows, too. Petty as Cersei is, you know she remembers every face that threw shit on her, every dick and titty she saw, everyone who laughed. Is it wrong? Yeah. Is it stupid? Probably. But that doesn’t mean Cersei can’t and won’t get her revenge. And I’m ready for it.

-So, I thought it was over after that, but we return to Castle Black, where Davos tries to get Jon to convince the wildlings to fight for Stannis, and he obviously doesn’t know what happened. But Melisandre, who had left, came back and she doesn’t even have to say anything, and Davos looks crushed when he asks about Shireen, although he doesn’t know how that happened (and when he does, Good Lord). Later on, Jon gets a visit from Ollie, who says that there is someone downstairs who knows about his missing uncle Benjen Stark, who I’d forgot about a long time ago. They rush down, but then he is greeted with a sign that said “TRAITOR”, and you know how this is going to go. Alliser makes the first cut, followed by like, five or six more fuckboys saying, “For The Watch”, which is some bullshit by the way; they’re awfully concerned about honor and not having sex for a bunch of criminals and thieves. Anyway, Ollie has tears in his eyes as he makes the final stab, and I want a giant to have his way with him. Nope, fuck the fact that he is a kid and the wildlings killed his parents. They just killed their very best chance of surviving the White Walkers and now, I just want the wildlings to murder every last member of the Night’s Watch. Brutally. With blood and against their wills. Fuck ’em.

-But I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jon Snow, not until we see his body burn and even then…..I know you’ve seen various theories about this over the last couple of days, but my favorite is the warg theory, the joint that allows Bran to get into his direwolf, as well as into Hodor (and we’ll see them next season, I’m pretty sure). His direwolf’s name is Ghost, too, so there is that, and Melisandre can bring people back to life. Either way, we’ll see next season and if this is the last we’ve seen of Jon Snow, damn, I did not see that coming. I’ve never been the biggest Jon Snow fan, so I don’t care that much, but I was just shocked because that came outta nowhere. But at the same time, I shouldn’t have been because this is Game Of Thrones and this is what they do. At this point, Tommen’s cats might end up on the Iron Throne when it is all said and done because there are no humans left in the world.

Game Of Thrones finales used to be more about cleaning up the mess left after Episode 9, but last season we got the Tyrion/Tywin incident, then they stepped it up with this season, leaving a ton of questions to be answered. Is Stannis alive and if so, why not show him die? Will Dany be a Dothraki rape toy or will Drogon wake up pissed to find Moms gone? Will the people of Meereen even listen to Tyrion and why should they? Will Jorah and Daario fight? Can Arya see? Will Jaime start a war with Dorne (he pretty much has to, right?)? How good will Cersei’s revenge be? Where the hell are Littlefinger and Lady O with their plotting and scheming? How pissed will Ramsey be with Theon/Reek and Sansa MIA, and how quickly will he send out the search party? If they get caught, how much will Theon/Reek wish he was actually dead? And yo, will Sam gather the wildlings and go after the Night’s Watch? They packed a ton of stuff into this episode to keep us wondering until next season.

Until then, folks. Thanks for reading as always, I have no idea what I’ma do next, but something will be coming this summer. I appreciate it. In the meantime, I’ll be catching up on the books because I’m pretty sure we’re all at the same place in the story now (I think the show may have spoiled some of the sixth book, which I find HILARIOUS).