Tag Archives: American Horror Story

American Horror Story: Cult S702 – Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark

The second episode of American Horror Story: Cult keeps it moving with “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark”, which basically screams out that you should be afraid of the dark. It was a pretty predictable episode, but it was entertaining. I don’t know if it was good or bad, but it was entertaining and that’s par for the course for this series. Let’s go……

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-We pick up where we left off in the first episode, with an oddly-placed bathtub and a clown in Ally’s bed instead of Ivy, who gets a knife and they search the room, but alas, no clowns. Ivy is starting to get sick of this behavior, and says that she doesn’t know how much longer she can take this. I wonder how long it’s gon’ take them to put her, Kai and Winter together. She never happens to be around when the clowns are, even though they were together when the clown gang killed the neighbors, but that could have been just to get Ally away from the house. And Winter was there, so she would have been in on it. I give it by episode 5. They can’t let that go too long.

-The clown that was in Ally’s room went to Oz’s room, and Twisty is there too, but he goes into a room and hides in a bathtub, because bathtubs are a huge thing in AHS, my girl pointed out. We Googled that shit and it goes all the way back to the beginning, but it’s hard to keep track of stuff in this show. But you’re super vulnerable in a tub, she says, which makes sense. I really only take baths when I’m really sore, and not even then, because I ain’t tryna fight intruders with my joint all exposed in these streets. ANYWAY…..Oz’s screams alert his mothers, who wake him up from a night terror…..so, he was dreaming? Is Ally dreaming? And if you say there are clowns and they’re no longer there, why in the hell did it take so long to check on Oz? And that’s not even the worst parenting that pops up in this episode.

-Kai is running for council now that there just happens to be a seat open on the board, thanks to the death of the neighbor. He is using his beating at the hands of the Latinos that he threw a condom full of piss at as his springboard, and we find out that the beating was recorded by a couple played by Billy Eichner and Leslie Grossman. Kai is using fear as his foundation for his run at the council, specifically, fear of violence at the hands of minorities…..jeez, where have I heard and seen this before? So Ally sees this on television, then goes to investigate the new neighbours, who just so happen to be the Wiltons, but instead of knocking on the door and saying hello, Ally peeks through the window, which seems like a good way to get shot. She runs off when Harrison, dressed in some sort of overalls with a mask.

-Ivy and Ally are trying to prepare the staff at their restaurant to be on their own, and there is some beef between the manager, Roger, and a ook, Pedro, which results in swearing, some threats, and a ladel and big-ass knife getting involved. Ally tells Roger to chill and if I’m not mistaken, he started it by saying some shit that could have gotten his ass beaten. Pedro ain’t have to point the knife at him, but a good ol’ fashioned rabbit punch would have been fine.

-Oz is mad at Winter because she made him look like a liar for his description of what happened in the Chang house, but she turns it on him because, well, he’s like eight or some shit and doesn’t know how to argue yet. She does the pinky thing with him that Kai did to her, and then takes him to see the new neighbors without asking Ally and Ivy, who flip out, but yet they don’t fire her because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. And again, STILL not the worst parenting in this episode…..actually, it might be tied for the worst.

-That introduces Ally and Ivy to the Wiltons, and we find that Harrison is a beekeeper, and he says something about the hive being fascinating because they all get down for one common cause. Oz seems to like them because apparently bees are cool, I guess. They’re fine as long as they stay the hell away from me. We also find out that the Wiltons are in a lavender marriage, which I never knew was a thing until the AHS Wikia told me that it is “one undertaken to disguise the homosexuality of one or both partners”. I’m guessing both are, because if you’re going to support the GOP and be gay, I’m imagining that would be quite difficult for a number of reasons. Also, Meadow says that she has skin cancer and a fear of the sun, and she can only be outside for 10 minutes at a time, so that’s going to come into play at some point.

-Later on, Ally and Ivy discuss if the Wiltons are cool or not, with Ally on the side of them being bad and Ivy is like, ehhhh, they’re aight. Oz can’t sleep and wants to sleep with them, and they’re like cool, but Ivy gets word that the security system is going off at the restaurant. Ally says she’ll go to see what’s up, and I can only imagine that there will be at least 38 clowns waiting for her. She hears a noise coming from the meat locker and it is the manager, Roger, hanging from a hook, so no clowns, but check for a manager hanging from a hook. Ivy shows up at the crib with her psychiatrist, Rudy, which is kinda messed up to do that to the person you love. Ally feels bad that she actually killed Roger, who was still alive, but she tried to help and that killed him. Of course, the suspect is Pedro, according to the detective, and Ally and Ivy try to convince him that he isn’t a killer. It is also revealed that Ally got a gun from the Wiltons, who have a small arsenal of guns, and Rudy wants Ivy to keep an eye on Ally, who he thinks is developing agoraphobia, which is “an anxiety disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in situations where the person perceives the environment to be unsafe with no easy way to get away.” (thanks, Wikipedia). I kinda think that Rudy might be in on this, too, making Ally think that she is crazy, or going crazy.

-Kai knocks on Ally’s door to say that he is running for office, and Ally is like, nah, bruh, you threw a coffee at me and my wife and he gives some fake-ass apology. He starts his spiel about how it isn’t safe anymore, more or less for white people, and Ally isn’t buying any of it, and he starts shaking the bars on the doors, which he notices are new. I have no idea why she didn’t just slam the door in his face in the first place, and it took him being a real asshole to get her to do that. Meanwhile, Ivy meets with Pedro, who swears he didn’t do it, but she looks like she is on the fence about it and yeah, she’s fuckin’ shady, b.

-Winter puts Oz to bed because she is still their babysitter somehow, and she walks in on Ally trying to figure out if she wants to take her medication (spoiler alert: she doesn’t). Why is Winter still there when Ally is home? Winter goes to run a bath for her, and we thought that the bubbles had some sort of sedative in it. We’re not even sure that it didn’t as of yet. Winter also tries to seduce Ally, who ain’t havin’ it. But they’re interrupted by the security system going off and there is a clown in Oz’s room, but Oz asks the clown (Winter suggested this to him) if he is awake or still sleeping, and the clown is like, sure, you’re sleeping, fine. And this mufucka just goes right back to sleep. And no Ally checking on him.

-Harrison tells Winter and Ally that there is a major blackout that he thinks is terrorist-related, and Winter is like, fuck it, I’m out. So Ally starts to freak out since she is by herself, and calls Ivy to tell her to come home, but Ivy wants to stay with the frozen meat at the restaurant, which seems like a terrible reason to not go home. Also, Ally’s phone dies, which is why my phone STAYS at 100% and I have the charger with me at all times. Won’t catch me in the zombie apocalypse with a dead-ass phone. So Ivy sends Pedro to go to her house with some supplies for Ally, who STILL hasn’t checked on Oz. She realizes that the security system has been cut intentionally, and then she sees the ice-cream truck that Oz was talkin’ about parked outside the house. She ends up running into a clown on the stairs as she FINALLY goes to get Oz, and she gets her gun. They go downstairs (where is the clown, tho?) and they’re about to leave when they see someone outside the door. It’s Pedro, and she shoots him, of course, and we don’t know if he’s dead, but she shoots him dead in the heart, so it’s not lookin’ good for my man. And where did she learn to shoot like that? Definitely not at parenting class. She skipped those. That pissed me off so much. As soon as you figure out there is a blackout, as paranoid as she is, I’d think my first move is to get my kid. But anyway…..guess someone gotta make bad decisions here.

While I am slightly annoyed by Ally, I do think that this is a group effort to make her think that everything is going to hell (well, everything is going to hell, but they’re focusing specifically on her). Ivy is definitely in on this shit, the Wiltons are as well, but I think they’ll turn on Kai at some point, Winter is just a gong show of a human and Oz might be the only one to survive this entire season of Cult. I have a lot of questions about Cult, but if AHS has taught me anything, it’s that you just have to hold on to them because there will be even more questions after the next episode, and you might not get an answer to them.

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American Horror Story: Cult S07E01 – Election Night

I’ve had some reservations about this current season of American Horror Story. I knew that Cult was going to deal with the American election, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to go through that again. I still don’t know if I wanna go through that again. But here we are with “Election Night”, which was a hot mess. Good or bad? I have no idea, but like most AHS seasons, I was intrigued. Let’s go…..

-It begins with a room full of people, led by Sarah Paulson playing Ally, crying over the election of that dude. Oh yeah, I’m not writing his name. I haven’t unless I have absolutely had to. This brought me back to the real election night when I was like, yeah, I’m going to bed, and we’ll see how messed up the world is when I wake up. I wasn’t surprised at all when I woke up. People shouldn’t be surprised by the ain’t-shitness of people anymore. Call me a cynic, but I don’t trust much and I figured this would happen. It was still a bit jarring, however. Still is. You also meet Ally’s wife Ivy and their son Ozzie, who asks if anything is going to happen to them as a family because of who got elected. This kid might end up being the best part of the show, honestly.

-Then you have Evan Peters screaming about a revolution and smearing Cheetos on his face, which was pretty damn good. I wonder what pureed Cheetos taste like. Would you drink it, or is it like a pudding? It’ll be a long winter and I might have to try that. He plays Kai and then there is his sister, Winter, who I thought was his girlfriend at first. They do this pinkie-swear thing that I bet will end up being important. Also, Winter is played by Billie Lourd, who is Carrie Fisher’s daughter. Once I was told, I could see it. She also actually campaigned for Clinton in 2016, so this is kinda real for her. It’s probably real for everyone. The jury is still out on Evan Peters being a supporter for that guy, but one thing is for sure: if there is a fucked-up character on AHS, he’ll find a way to play it.

-Next, we get to my favorite part of the episode, where this couple is gettin’ down out in the woods and they even mention Twisty at first, and BOOM, here he comes. So, instead of running, they try to talk to him. THEN, dude pulls out a gun and shoots him, and it doesn’t kill him….again……DOESN’T RUN. And I don’t know how he let Twisty get close enough to him with a pair of shears to slice his throat, but fuck it, man, you don’t wanna move, you deserve it. Meanwhile, she’s in the background crying and shit, watching her boyfriend get stabbed a buncha times instead of running. Dogg, get a damn headstart….and then she decides, hey, this nasty old bus looks like a proper place to hide. And she doesn’t even hide, she just ducks down and turns her back. Worst hide-and-seek player ever, ol’ elephant-behind-a-blade-of-grass ass. Anyway, she gets her tongue cut out after calling 911, and shouts to Twisty taking his face off (I forgot how nasty his mouth was) and saying “Wrong number” to the operator. Did she even know what he said? That shit was greatness. I’d be here for just watching Twisty stalk people all season.

-Ozzie is reading this story in a comic book, and Ally freaks out because she hates clowns. Really, who likes clowns? Oh, shouts to the 300 commercials for “It” in the span of an hour. I promise you that won’t be watched. She heads to see her therapist, Rudy Vincent, played by Cheyenne Jackson, who played the shitbag producer from Roanoke. Here, he plays a shitbag therapist as she’s like, I’m scared of everything, clowns, things with holes (which again, I didn’t know was a thing) and he’s like, meh, just take this medication and don’t go on Twitter…..basically the equivalent of “put some ‘Tussin on it”. While he does play shitbags, he is very good at it.

-Kai gets up in front of a council and makes this speech about fear, and how they shouldn’t have police protecting a Jewish community center that is likely to get threats because, well, look who got elected. That’ll be a common refrain throughout all this. He says chaos should reign so they can get stronger and fight back and not be scared anymore, and the board is like, man, you’re fuckin’ stupid, get the cops out there. Kai ends by saying that there is nothing more dangerous than a humiliated man, which sounds like enough of a threat to me, but whatever. Shouts to people who have never been oppressed about anything coming up with bullshit solutions for the oppressed.

-Ally goes to the grocery store and starts interacting with the cashier, played by Chaz Bono, who doesn’t have a hand and pulls on the red hat, talkin’ about a great leader in office now, so this is surely going to go well for her. She walks through the aisles and starts seeing clowns everywhere, being chased by clowns, clowns are having clown sex on melons, she drops at least two, maybe three, bottles of Rose because someone needs to teach her how to throw things, but it is pretty terrifiying because Sarah Paulson is incredible. If you’ve read this before, I don’t need to tell you how I feel about her. All I know is that she’s going HARD for the Emmy already. She won for the OJ miniseries, which I still need to watch, but she wants one for AHS, too. Anyway, she gets to her car and calls Ivy, and we’re watching like, WILL YOU LOOK IN THE DAMN BACKSEAT BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A CLOWN THERE, and she just drives straight as shit into a pole. I’d love to make fun of this, but I’ve never seen a clown in the backseat of my car, so there is that.

-Ivy says that there is no evidence of any clown shit in that store, and one-armed McGee also disappeared as well. So the next day, they’re talking about the restaurant they own, and Ivy thinks Ally is becoming obsessed with what happened. Also, and this is a huge point, Ivy reveals that Ally didn’t vote for Hillary; she voted for Jill friggin’ Stein, which was basically a vote for the other guy. Between the Jill Stein people and the Bernie Sanders people (don’t even get me started on that), here we are. All I kept hearing is, they’re basically the same candidates (Hillary and dude), so the Bernie people were cranky from the Democratic vote, and then they either didn’t vote or voted for him or Jill Stein. And here the fuck we are. Yeah, I don’t know if I can actually do this because I get more mad the more I think about it.

-Kai sees Ally and Ivy on the street and spills coffee on the street about it, and is sorrynotstorry about it. Ally should have went high, Ivy go low, and stomp his ass out.

-Then you get two scenes at the same time: Ivy and Ally interviewing Winter to be Ozzie’s nanny, and Kai interviewing Winter, asking her anal sex and if there was poop and blood involved, and what scares her the most, and of course she says that it’s him because he’s nuts. They ask Winter when can she start, and I can’t wait for this idea to go south.

-Kai runs out and starts taunting a group of Hispanic dudes and throws a condom filled with urine at them, but someone is recording them as they beat the dogshit out of him. It isn’t Winter because she’s babysitting Ozzie, who is drawing pictures of Twisty killing people because, why not. Winter shows him a website of actual violence, describing it as a vaccine for his brain. Then he sees an ice-cream truck and four clowns get out, and they go into the house across the street. At the same damn time, Ally and Ivy are having dinner of their restaurant, which ends quickly after Ally sees a clown in the place, and sees fingers and holey food on her dish. Ivy asks her if she is insane, and I think it was her when my girl was like, yeah, Ivy is in on all this shit. Makes sense to me. She pointed out that if Ally is so scared of clowns, how in the hell does Ozzie have clown comics and not only that, clown comics where said clown is killin’ mufuckas? All good points. Also, Ivy is kind of a dick to Ally, who might have problems, but she isn’t being very sympathetic at all towards her.

-Back to Winter and Ozzie, they manage to sneak over to the house where the clowns are at, and they see the clowns killing the guy on the council that shot down Kai’s proposal earlier, and his wife, who he was mad at for not voting. Ozzie sees all this and Winter is like, yeah, go ahead. Then Ally and Ivy get home to a cordoned-off street and find Ozzie, who tells them what happened, but Winter is like, nah, he’s bullshittin’, drawing pictures of killer clowns and shit, it was fine, and the cops say that it was a murder-suicide. Then Ally has a nightmare and it’s not Ivy in bed with her, but you guessed it, a clown. Also, did anyone notice how their bathroom beside the bedroom had a bathtub like, smack in the middle of it, in front of the fireplace? Am I crazy or was that really weird?

I can already see me getting angry a lot this season and at some point, I might pull the plug for mental-health’s sake, so I warn you now. This whole election just reminded me of how stupid people are. I’m trying to have faith, but it’s damn hard. I’ll get more into that over the next few episodes, but for now, I wanna know if the clowns are real or not, are Winter and Kai working with Ivy, and more Twisty, because that dude is a beast. Enjoy it for now, though, because we all know AHS is good-to-great for 85% of the season and then goes off the rails.

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 10

The sixth season of American Horror Story came to an end last night with arguably the best finale of the bunch. Was it enough to launch it to the top of the AHS pantheon? Let’s go….

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-Let’s start with the Crack’d series that was a look back at the whole story, starting with the My Roanoke Nightmare cast at Paleyfest, signing autographs, answering questions, all that, taking place before everyone went back to the house. A girl even flew over to the States from England to go to this place, which shows how big My Roanoke Nightmare really was, and this whole season has been about our fascination with reality television. Hell, we put….actually, I’m not gon’ get into politics right now, just know that this fascination is fucked. It was good to see everyone in the cast one final time before everyone had their shit rocked.

-Then it moved on to Lee’s murder trial, and she still manages to get off despite the tapes, people seeing the tapes, and Flora being put on the stand because the jury boiled all this down to “ghost stories”. A statement on how fucked the justice system is? Probably. But you gotta remember that Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk were also behind American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson, which got all the acclaim and I still need to see it. But, it makes sense it would look back at the trial and how the hell Lee got off, but she didn’t really, because she lost Flora, who admitted that she saw Lee kill her ex-husband. But it was Lee that told her lawyer to bring up the ghost stories, because Lee ain’t shit. But she got off, so I guess that’s a win.

-Next, it’s a look at The Lana Winters Show, bringing back one of the main characters from Season 2’s Asylum. It also gives me a chance to heap more praise on Sarah Paulson, because the Fake Shelby character was hot garbage. She brings Lee on the show to tell her side, and Lee fires back that Lana killed her son, Bloody Face, or Bloody Face 2, I don’t know, it was a long time ago and I actually hate Asylum, but that’s for another day. But they’re interrupted by gunfire as Lot Polk, who made a YouTube video earlier in the episode threatening Lee. He’s mad because she killed his mother and brother, I believe, and he appears at the show with a machine gun. Lana tries to reason with him, saying the world needs to hear his story, and gets greeted with a gunbutt to the face for her troubles because as Lot says, she talks too much. He is about to kill Lee, but he is shot by the cops. Lee runs out because before this, Lana confronted her with the news that Flora had disappeared. So Lee runs out, and I’m wondering where the hell the cops were through all this. But the cops ain’t been shit this season on AHS at all, so it’s not surprising.

-Moving on to the next show, Spirit Chasers, which is basically three people chasing ghosts. So of course, they go to the Roanoke house, during the blood, and they’re trespassing because they’re badass. It’ll be so good when they die at the hands of the Butcher, her people and YOOOOOO……DID THE MOON SHOOT ARROWS AT PEOPLE? HAHAHAHAHA WHAT WAS THAT? They also got Ashley/Cricket, the spirit guy from earlier in the season, and they all go through the house, where they run into Lee, who still isn’t being followed by the cops. Lee kinda goes into a trance, but she doesn’t even kill anyone, instead she warns them to get out. But them, being badass frat boys, they think they is cool, until Ashley/Cricket gets cut in the chest by Piggy Man. That’s what it took for them to realize that shit ain’t a game, and one by one, they all die. Good for them. Those shows are such hot garbage.

-Lee eventually finds Flora, who has been runnin’ around with her little ghost friend, Priscilla, for two weeks in the woods. Lee wants Flora to come with her and she’s like, NOAP, I’ma stay here and protect Priscilla from the Butcher, because that’s a great plan. However, Lee comes up with a solution, she’ll kill herself and stay with Priscilla to protect her because her relationship with Flora is essentially done, so she might as well try to salvage something. Flora asks Priscilla if it’s okay and she agrees because why the hell not. By this time, the cops and the news have arrived and it’s a big to-do, because nothing happens in the world without TV cameras now (MESSAGE). There is an explosion and Flora walks out the house like nothing happened, and Lee lets Priscilla shoot her in the chest. Flora waves to them as she is driven away, and that’s the end of that.

HAHAHAHAHA DAMMIT I WAS RIGHT, Y’ALL. I said Flora would be the last person standing and while I totally wavered a bit, I was right because if you make enough guesses, you gotta be right at some point. But from start to finish, this might be my favorite season of AHS, definitely the best sine Season 1’s Murder House. Coven was always up there until that fuckery of a finale, and every other series had its moments. But this was consistent, full of garbage and trash, it was campy, it was kinda sweet…..it was pretty good. MVP of the season was…..hmmmm, I dunno, probably Lily Rabe as Real Shelby. She was deadass messed up from killing Real Matt, and that scene was excellent. Second was probably Kathy Bates, shitty accent and all, and I’m on board now….she gotta have an accent every season. A shitty one, too.

I think there is a trailer out for Season 7, or a picture or something, but I’m not dealing with that yet, there is all kinds of time to go over that. But you can tell that the next few seasons of AHS will be even more intertwined going forward, so I might need to do some rewatches of past seasons, particularly Asylum, which I’ve been saying months and probably still won’t do. But that was a fun season of American Horror Story, and I’ll leave you with the AHS Pantheon Power Rankings.

  1. Murder House
  2. My Roanoke Nightmare
  3. Coven
  4. Freak Show
  5. Hotel
  6. Asylum

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 9

What’s up, y’all. It has been a helluva week, and the only way I know how to get shit out is by writing about it. I’m not gon’ talk about the fuckery of Tuesday, and sorry about missing last week’s recap, but you know, new job steez (YAY). So, here we are, Chapter 9, the penultimate episode of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare. A whole buncha people died last week: Fake Shelby, Fake Matt, and a couple of the real Polks, and Real Lee threw out the “I wanna touch it” line, which might be the best of the season. Let’s go….

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-We have the return of Taissa Farmiga, who hasn’t been on AHS since Coven, and she is Sophie, who rolls in with Todd and Milo. While this season has been basically a play on the original Blair Witch Project, these three are essentially the characters from that movie. They’re fanatics of the original My Roanoke Nightmare, and they come to the woods, tryna get pictures and videos that will get them likes and whatnot on Instagram and Facebook, because this is the era we’re in now. They find the tree where Flora’s coat was hung from, and then a bloodied woman stumbles outta the woods, mumbling about her car. They find the car, which is upside down and inside…..is the woman’s body. Then she vanishes, and they go to the cops, who don’t believe their story because there is nothing on the tapes that they found, no dead body in the car, nothing. That probably should have been a hint and a half for their asses that they should just walk away and be done with it, but they got those likes, and another 20,000 followers, so you know they’re going back into the woods. All in the name of going “viral”, which is a massive statement on how the world works now. Hell, I can’t even fault them, I wouldn’t mind these recaps going viral. I’m just not willing to risk my life to do it.

-Back at the house, Fake Shelby and Real Lee are joined by Dylan, who played Fake Ambrose, also known as the helper, then killer of, Fake Thomasin, or Kathy Bates. Good Lord, this is all very confusing. He showed up at the end of Chapter 8 wearing the pig’s head, and almost got killed for it. Fake Shelby and Real Lee try to explain to him what happened with all the dead bodies and he’s like, nah….until he sees the carnage. He was told by Sidney to actually show up with the pig’s head, so he thought this was all still a game, until it wasn’t. Also, he took an Uber to the house, and that’s the second or third reference to Uber; I wonder if they paid for all this. So, the plan is now to get Fake Lee from the Polks, where she still is, and Dylan wants to go alone, but decides to take the women with him since they know where they’re going. Fake Shelby says to Real Lee, who wants to get the tapes of the Polks’ murders, that she’ll leave Real Lee there in a heartbeat as they’re gon’ steal the Polks’ truck. I guess they just assumed that someone knew how to hotwire a truck, or maybe the keys were in it….details are shaky, at best, but they’re rollin’ with what they got.

-They get to the Polks, and the women look for Fake Lee, while Dylan works on the truck. Fake Shelby finds Fake Lee and try to escape, but they’re stopped by a Polk, this one’s name is Lot, and he wants revenge for what they did to his mother (killed her), but Fake Shelby has a gun and shoots him. Meanwhile, Dylan is stabbed a buncha times by Ishmael Polk, who then chases Real Lee (who doesn’t have the tapes) into the woods. The women try to intervene, but everything stops because Real Thomasin and her crew rolls up with their torches, and everyone scatters. Real Thomasin, even moreso than Fake Thomasin, is not here for playing games, and we all know that Fake Thomasin was ’bout that life.

-The women get back to the house, and I missed something because they have the tape that Real Lee made, in which she says that she killed her ex-husband. Meanwhile, Real Lee is found in the woods by Scathach (the witch), who possesses her because remember, it is the last night of the blood moon and shit is about to get really real, word to Method Man’s “Bring The Pain”. Oh, and never forget Real Lee eating a boar’s heart. I think it was the heart. It was definitely an internal organ.

-Mean-mean-meanwhile, the Blair Witch Biters head back to the woods and of course, Sophie is the ringleader because GOTTA GET THESE LIKES UP, FAM, which is basically what the girl was tryna do in the Blair Witch joint. Anyway, they find where Mason was killed, and they find Real Lee close, but she kills Todd because she’s possessed. Sophie and Milo run away, into a web of the wooden figurines, and they stumble upon the production trailer, where they find a wounded Real Ambrose, who I can’t even place because this season has been so very confusing. They run inside the trailer and see all the monitors of what is going on, and they see Fake Shelby and Fake Lee, and they have no idea what is real, and what is not. Man, I don’t even care at this point, I’m out. Or do you just stay in there until daylight? Does even matter anymore? I think I’d run for it, personally. I wouldn’t gone back in the first damn place, though, so there is that.

-They see Real Lee heading for the house, and they call the cops, who have been on some bullshit all season and are obviously on the Polks’ payroll. Real Lee goes into the house to meet Fake Lee and Fake Shelby, who confront her about the Mason murder, but they realize quickly that she’s not right. It was probably right around the time that she started talking about cleansing the property of vile shit, and they definitely figured it out when Real Lee pushed Fake Lee through a bannister, impaling her on a piece of wood. Fake Shelby tries to get away, but Real Lee catches her going into a cellar, stabs her and pushes her down said cellar. Real Lee is moving awfully swift for someone missing big pieces of her thigh (shoutout to Dylan tryna say that Fake Lee’s missing ear was makeup and she was like, BITCH WHAT), but being possessed will do that to you. And hey, maybe Fake Shelby deserved it. She fell like, 18 times runnin’ away from Real Lee. I’m not sure if she was wearing heels or not, but good grief, stay on your feet, ma’am. She fell down some steps, on a piece of hair on the floor, a blade of grass. It was pret-tay, pret-tay good.

-Sophie and Milo go to the house and they think they’re gon’ stop Real Lee from doing any more harm, but they find Thomasin and her people disemboweling Dylan, pulling them shits out like a loose piece of string. They go to run, but Real Lee catches them, and they’re put on stakes to be burned alive. However, this was all filmed and uploaded to a Cloud account in Todd’s name, which finally gets the cops to go out and see what’s up.

-We see the end of the episode from the cops’ bodycams, where they go in the house and find a whole buncha dead bodies. They find Real Lee, who is outta control and doesn’t remember all of the killing and murdering. They go to put her in a car, but they also find Fake Shelby, who managed to get out of the cellar and when she sees Real Lee, she freaks out and grabs the cop’s gun, tryna shoot her, but the cops all kill her instead. Or it might have been her gun that she had. There was a gun, that’s all I got for ya. But if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time Sarah Paulson has died on AHS. I’m okay with it…..Fake Shelby was damn annoying.  She “died” at the end of Hotel, but did she come back? I didn’t finish it.

Well, the body count over the last two episodes must be the highest it has ever been in the history of AHS, so who do we got left? We got Real Lee out of the cast of characters, real and fake, of My Roanoke Nightmare. Thomasin and her people are still around, as is Scathach, maybe Real Ambrose, he’s still around (I think he’s still around?), but I’m focusing on the cast, so we got Real Lee. Next week, I assume that we’ll see the aftermath, and whatever is on the tapes, but as we learned earlier, there might not even be anything of use on the tapes. My Flora guess is still in play as well, although I’m not as confident as I once was. Might just be Real Lee, who will somehow avoid jail. There are a couple of hints as to what will happen next week, but I’ll keep that to myself and besides, y’all will probably run across it before next week’s finale, which will hopefully be longer than an hour. See ya next week, and keep y’all head up.

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare was the best episode of the season, and for me, it’s a top-five episode in the annals of AHS history. I’m not gon’ go back and give you my top five, because I’m lazy, but rest assured, it’s in there. Let’s go….

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-It opens with Sidney and his crew, sitting inside their production trailer and when one is like, yo, where is Diana, Sidney is like, pssssh, we don’t need her…..there is no way in hell she is hacked up somewhere. One goes outside and doesn’t come back, so Sidney goes outside and finds her with her insides hanging out, so what does he do? Not call for an ambulance, he yells at ya man inside to bring the camera. This dude is a Grade-AAAAA1111 asshole, b. But he gets his as Agnes’ crazy ass pops up behind him with a cleaver and guts him, and then chases down the cameraman and gets him, too. I know Sidney has you trained to hold the camera, dogg, but when you see him sprawled out lookin’ like an extra from Alien, sometimes you gotta cut ya losses, throw the camera at Agnes and run faster than her. Then, the best part, where Agnes goes back to her lair with her own camera, because fuck y’all, I’ma make my own show, and she felt bad for the slightest of minutes because the girl she killed was nice to her on set. But then she starts laughing and ranting again, and yeah, this might be Kathy Bates’ best AHS yet. This whole episode is an Emmy scene for her. She is legitimately insane. This is basically a cosplay gone terribly, terribly wrong. Oh, and how could I forget that the power went out, came back on and she was surrounded by those creepy doll figures?

-Back at the house, Fake Lee comes downstairs with her flask and Real Lee is like, yo, it’s 6 AM, dogg, you’re drinking already? Listen, Real Lee, I get it, alcoholism is bad, m’kay. But you have WAY bigger fish to fry right now, like tryna figure out what happened to Rory. Everyone thinks that the blood found in the closet where Rory/Fake Edward Mott was killed by the Killing Sisters is a prank by Sidney, which to be fair, it very well coud have been, but Audrey thinks it’s a cover-up so Rory could go to his screen test with Brad Pitt he was talkin’ about in the last episode. Meanwhile, the Real Shelby/Real Matt/Fake Matt triangle is heating up as Real Matt walks in on the two of them and is like, I don’t even care if you fuck her, just stay outta my way……and you hear a faint “JERRY! JERRY!” chant from the background. Then Fake Matt finds himself to the confessional area and tells us what we all know: that he is there to ruin everyone’s life at Sidney’s behest. Because, ratings. Wonder what the rating system is in hell?

-Shelby is in the bedroom, staring at the camera and notices there is blood on it, and there is Agnes, behind her with a cleaver, and she gets her in the shoulder/neck area. She’s about to deliver the death blow as Fake Matt comes outta nowhere to save Real Shelby, and it takes a bit longer to overpower Agnes, but he does and tends to Real Shelby. But then they notice that Agnes’ body has disappeared. So, everyone meets in the bedroom and Fake Shelby is treating Real Shelby’s wounds because she did play a nurse once. Meanwhile, all the phone lines have been cut and Fake Matt yells into the camera for Sidney to send help, but that ain’t happening and to be real, Sidney wouldn’t send the help anyway. So they split up, with Real and Fake Lee going to get help with Fake Shelby, while Real Shelby stakes with Real and Fake Matt. I think I would have split up the two Matts, but I mean, it REALLY doesn’t matter because everyone is dying. The three women head down to the secret passage to get out, but they run into the Real ghost of Edward Mott, who doesn’t go down from the shots he takes from Real Lee’s gun. Everyone else looked at her sideways when she pulled it out, and I’m like, she’s the realest one here, I don’t care if she is accused of killing her ex-husband. If I’m going back to a house like that, I want her on my side. Anyway, Real Edward Mott screams at ’em and they run back.

-The house crew are inside, talkin’ about their feelings and shit, and I don’t care. Let’s stay with the women, who are outside wandering around in the woods when they’re surrounded by people with torches, which is never good, and they do a terrible job at hiding, like three of ’em behind one tree. Fake Shelby goes through this terrible confession to Fake Edward for when he finds it, but they find him instead as Rory is hanging up in the tree over them, iron-cross style, and like, the blood is dripping on Fake Shelby’s head. I laughed. Way harder than I should have, too. Meanwhile, in the house, more feelings, and Agnes is in her cave, pulling out bullets out of her shoulder with a pair of cauterized pliers. Where did the bullet come from? Well, before they found Fake Edward, the women found the trailer, where Sidney and his crew were laid the fuck out and Agnes rolled up on ’em, so Real Lee shot her. She might be the new favorite for the lone survivor. Maybe.

-Back at the house, shit picks up as Real Matt wakes up in a trance and heads to the basement, and Fake Matt follows him, sees some shit and then goes to wake up Real Shelby. They wander in to find Real Matt givin’ the business to the Witch, aka Scathach, aka Lady Gaga, and Real Shelby starts goin’ HAM, and she ends up beating Real Matt to death after he says that he didn’t come back to the house for her, but for the Witch. So that is, what, three head-bashings we’ve seen this week? But this didn’t shock me, because this is kinda what AHS does. Shouldn’t have shocked people in The Walking Dead, either, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. AHS watches TWD while eating french fries like, pass the most blood-reddest of ketchup, please. Amateurs. And yo…..where did the Witch go? She didn’t die, did she? Shit was moving pretty quickly at this point.

-Then we get to the real as the trio of women were caught by the torch people, who we find out to be the Real Polk family, which I realized because it wasn’t Frances Conroy. But, one of the Real Polk sons was Finn Wittrock, or so the internet says because I didn’t recognize him. Or maybe I did, but I was so enthralled that this mufuckin’ group of hillbillies have tasers, cigarettes and cocaine…..who…….what? They do mention that the cops don’t even fuck with ’em, which we figured when Fake Lee got dropped off by the cops and they left, but what kinda Charlie Sheen shit is this? They have the women tied up, and they decide that they’re gon’ cut pieces out of Real Lee’s leg, and then feed it to the other women, and they eat it or they’ll die. And they do, and they cry, and it’s kinda hilarious.

-Back at the house, Lily Rabe puts down her Emmy scene as she has no idea what to do after killing Real Matt, and she is damn near hysterical, not being able to breath, tryna figure out how to get outta this until Fake Matt reminds her that there are cameras everywhere. This is easily her best AHS run since Asylum (she was the only reason to watch that season), and she hasn’t been used correctly since then. And y’all know I love me some Sarah Paulson, but yeah, Lily got her this season, I think, just because I really don’t like Fake Shelby as a character. Yellin’ at Real Lee for having a gun…..where the fuck do you think we are? Although her line about not being American and used to this violence was pretty good. Anyway, Lily was beastin’. And shoutout to Cuba Gooding Jr., playing the asshole role to a tee.

-We end with Real Shelby and Fake Matt going to the window and seeing more people with torches, and Agnes….and the Real Butcher, who is none too happy about Agnes runnin’ with her name in these streets. So, Agnes gets the cleaver straight down Forehead Street. So that ends that.

That was a lot of killin’, but my Flora pick is still on the table for the lone survivor, although Real Lee is up there now. I doubt Fake Audrey and Fake Lee get outta this, and if I had to put money on it, Real Shelby and Fake Matt are gettin’ it, too. Again, best episode of the season and I doubt it’ll get any better, but with three episodes left, American Horror Story is right on track to get me excited for the finale, only to be let down…….again.

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 6

Aye….so the recaps are back, stuff has been kinda hectic around these parts with moving across the country, and getting used to Atlantic time again. American Horror Story airs at like, 11 PM, so needless to say, I’ll be watching it on Thursday morning. Anyway, Chapter 6 was billed as this big twist that would shake up this season, and it did, giving us the worst fight in the history of AHS. Let’s go…….

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-Oh, before I start, I assume if you’re reading this, you’ve seen all the episodes. Two things: it took me at least two episodes to figure out that it was Lady Gaga playing ol’ girl that Matt was having sex with (but not remembering), and I wonder when she’ll be back. Then, the worst part of the first five episodes was when Incest Mom banged Shelby’s ankle with, like, a crowbar or some blunt object. That shit looked like it HURT.

-We learn right off the bat that My Roanoke Nightmare beat out Sunday Night Football, The Walking Dead and Empire in terms of viewers. First, SNF ratings are down this year and this still wouldn’t beat it. It’s definitely not beating The Walking Dead and Empire, maybe, but it’s not even on Sunday night. It comes on Wednesdays, same night as AHS, and y’all ain’t that good, so don’t throw stones. For whatever reason, for all the fuckery that this episode contained, that bothered me the most.

-That was a boost to Sidney, the producer who is played by Cheyenne Jackson, who was Will Drake last year in Hotel. He rolled up on the execs and pitched a new series: take everyone back to the Roanoke house, the real people AND the re-enactment actors, and film them over the blood-moon period, which is when shit was supposed to go crazy there. Sidney even bought the house from Matt and Shelby for cheap, so they have that, and the execs give ’em 13 episodes. But then Sidney’s assistant, Diana tells him that Shelby won’t participate. Geez, I wonder why? I wonder which part she picked to tell Diana that shit wasn’t going down?

-Turns out that the reason is because Shelby and Matt are now separated, and she had a thing with Dominic, Cuba Gooding Jr., who played Fake Matt. Shelby said that she’ll only do it if Dominic isn’t involved because she wants to get back with Matt and Sidney agrees, but yeah, we all know Dominic is gon’ be there. Within five minutes of meeting him, we know that Sidney is a piece of actual feces.

-The crew goes to the house, where Sidney has rigged up a buncha props to scare everyone and Diana is skeptical, to say the least. I’m a Diana fan right off the bat, which means something is gon’ happen to her. Sidney tries to tell her that the plan for all this is to find out who really killed Mason, Lee’s (Matt’s sister) ex-husband, but Diana knows he doesn’t care. Then the crew finds baby pig fetuses in a circle behind a tree and Sidney says that it is the Polks, the incest family, but they haven’t been seen in weeks apparently. That’s when Diana is like, “yo, we need to get the fuck outta here, b” and Sidney is all, “NAH, it’ll be fine”. It sure will be. Baby pig fetuses (fetusi?) in a perfect circle are completely normal. Goddamn, I want him to die so bad.

-Sidney goes to interview Agnes, aka Fake Butcher, played by Kathy Bates. Apparently, she went crazy and was caught swinging machetes at people and was admitted into a hospital, and Sidney serves her with a restraining order, to which she says, “how can I be on the show if I can’t go near anyone?”. Shit was heartbreaking. Sidney is like, “You’re not ON the show”, and Diana is like, “You know that little restraining order ain’t gon’ stop her, right?”. This is as Agnes is yelling at them like the Butcher. Yeah, we’ll see her again, yelling in terrible accents. Just let Ms. Bates talk in her own voice, bruh.

-Next up is Lee, Real Lee, played by Adina Porter. She wants people to know that she didn’t kill Mason as everyone thinks, so they have her back. However, the issue is more with Fake Lee, whose name is Monet and played by Angela Bassett (who also directed this episode). Monet is an actual alcoholic and the production is legally liable if she does anything, but I’m pretty sure Sidney doesn’t really care about rules. If I’m not mistaken, he might have even smiled as he gave the restraining order to Agnes knowing she’s gon’ wild out. That’s good for ratings because….well, that’s a whole societal thing that I could spend 5,000 words on. Anyway, I’ve never seen UnREAL and I’ve heard it’s great, but from what I’ve gathered, it’s about a reality-tv producer drumming up drama. Yeah dogg, that’s Sidney. He is also the girl from the original Blair Witch joint, who keeps wanting to get more footage and more footage and more footage until everyone is dead. Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm.

-At the house, Sidney and Diana are shown a video of a cast member who has a chainsaw, and it looks like he is being forced to cut his own head off by something. Diana is like, “man, we gotta shut shit down”, and Sidney is like, “nah, we’re good”. Diana finally blows up and gets the hell outta dodge (shoutout to Sidney turning to the cameraman and saying, “did you get that?”), and then films her testimony in a dash cam, and that’s when I knew it was about to go down. She sees what looks like a colonist in the middle of the road, which the camera picks up, but when she turns it around, the Piggy Man is behind her and he promptly kills her. It is then revealed that the police found the footage three months later and her body was never found. Oh yeah, we’ll see that again.

-Next up is Audrey, aka Fake Shelby, played by Sarah Paulson and of course, she has a British accent, which is all the rage in television. There are at least two British (or part-British) people on TWD, Andrew Lincoln (Rick) and Lauren Cohen (Maggie). Firing more shots? Ryan Murphy gettin’ bold as shit, although I might have made that last part up. Anyway, she gets interviewed and is interrupted by Rory, who played Edward, the original owner of the house and played by Evan Peters….again, British. I have a love-hate relationship with Evan Peters in this show, but I fucked with him in Hotel and he’s kinda hilarious here. Rory and Audrey are married now, so that’s out, but then he has to go back to Los Angeles for work. Before he leaves, he sees Agnes, dressed as The Butcher, and she Agnes has apparently been stalking Audrey and yells about a Saturn Award, which Audrey got, but Anges felt she deserved. This is what Sarah Paulson should do for all the Emmys she had stolen for her for AHS, but shoutout to her for finally winning for The People Vs. OJ. She’s basically my acting version of Kanye West: she could do literally anything and I’ma stan for that shit with all my might. Hence, the picture on this recap. It has nothing to do with anything. She’s just great. So don’t even bother coming at me. AND NOW SHE’S DOING AN ACCENT, BRUH.

-Audrey wants to leave, but Shelby gets her to stay and then Lee and Matt, the real ones, show up. Matt and Shelby argue, which means Sidney is happy, and he gives them all phones that just have cameras, so they feel isolated and they can film whatever weird shit he sees in there. Audrey, Rory and Monet all think the real Millers are crazy, but Matt tells them that the blood moon is coming up, so get ready to see some shit. Then we learn, and I assume this is what we’ll see over the next few episodes, that everyone died over the next three days that the moon was out, except for one. We don’t know who that one person is yet, and the show that Sidney planned never made it to the air, we’re just seeing the found footage because if you’re gon’ go full-on Blair Witch (which scared the shit outta me when it came out), might as well, right? All I know is that I hope the one person is Sidney, but right now, my money is on Flora, Lee’s kid. She ain’t in this episode, but we’ll see her….unless AHS just throws characters in the bushes, which they’ve been known to do.

-Oh, I think I forgot to mention earlier that Lee was walking through the house, and she felt something, but didn’t see anything: it was a burned-up man, who is Mason, apparently, so that has to be dealt with.

-Finally, Shelby tries to get back with Matt, who is sleeping in the basement and fuck everything about that. Dominic shows up, Matt attacks him and the two proceed to have, hands down, the worst fight in the history of AHS. At one point, one of them rolls on the other and there is a sleeperhold being attempted, and I had to pause it, I was laughing so hard. They’re broken up, Rory comes running out of the hot tub in his drawls as he was tryna get it in with Audrey, who decides it’s time for a shower. Monet argues with Lee that her method acting for her Lee portrayal turned her into an alcoholic, which is a bit of a stretch. Audrey gets outta the shower and she starts to wipe steam off the mirror, and she sees the Piggy Man, of course. She screams, runs downstairs, Rory goes up to investigate and starts cussing out Sidney, but he is stabbed to death by the Jane sisters, the ones who killed their patients to spell out “MURDER” on the wall. Matt finds the “MURDER” and captures it. And that is that.

The first thing I thought after Chapter 5 was like, that shit ended WAY too happily, so everything is about to go south for these people. Turns out everyone dies anyway, so my theory of everyone being ghosts is still kinda on the table. Yeah, this shit should have never left that boardroom where the execs gave Sidney 13 episodes, but money talks as Sidney broke down how much they’d get from ad revenue. And besides, most television shows are based on terrible decision-making. AHS is going for the gusto now and Wiki only has four more episodes listed (shoutout to the AHS Wikia), so try and keep up because it’s about to get wild.

 

 

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 1

Yoooooooooooo……welcome back, folks. It has been a while since the last recap, which I completely skipped for Hotel because let’s all be honest: that shit petered off near the end. I still haven’t watched the finale, but I read about it and it didn’t sound great. Anyway, we’re on to Season 6 of American Horror Story, which they’ve kept under wraps. All the teasers they’ve thrown out there, apparently some were real, and some were decoys because why the hell not? But we got the premiere last night, and the season will involve the lost colony of Roanoke, in North Carolina. The Googles were on FIRE with people tryna figure out what the hell it was after the episode. Let’s gooooooooooooooo…

-Had to do shit different for this recap because my PVR didn’t record the episode, so I couldn’t watch it again, so I’m going off the EW recap and a little bit of Wikipedia)

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-So, here, I’ma jack something from the EW recap that absolutely blew my mind. Here goes:

It’s difficult to banish a spirit, but not impossible. The most successful attempt that I know of happened when America was known as the New World In 1590, on the coast of what we now know as North Carolina, the entire colony of Roanoke — all 117 men, women, and children — died inexplicably. It became known as the Ghost Colony because the spirits remained. They haunted the native tribes living in the surrounding area, killing indiscriminately. The elder knew he had to act. He cast a banishment curse. First, he collected the personal belongings of all the dead colonists. Then he burned them. The ghosts appeared, summoned by their talismans. But before the spirits could cause them any more harm, the elder completed the curse that would banish the ghosts forever. By uttering a single world the same word found carved on a post at the abandoned colony: Croatoan.”

This, my friends, was from Season 1, which was Murder House, and it was spoken by Billie Dean Howard, a medium played by Sarah Paulson, who also came back at the end of Hotel. So they teased this shit all the way back in Season 1…..well done, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, well done.

-This story starts as a true-crime documentary of sorts, called “My Roanoke Nightmare”, with a couple named Shelby and Matt telling their story of a move from Los Angeles to Roanoke, which was caused by Matt being attacked via a game of knockout, where a dude ran up on him and hit him with that one-hitter quitter as part of a gang initiation. It put Matt in the hospital and he was unconscious until Shelby held his hand, and that brought him around, but she ended up losing their unborn child. The story goes between the actual couple, played by my homegirl, Lily Rabe and Andre Holland, who is new to the AHS universe, but apparently he is in The Knick as well (I got through, literally, five minutes of The Knick and was like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP. If you’ve watched it, you know what scene I’m talkin’ about). For the reenactment part of the story, those characters are played by Paulson and Cuba Gooding Jr., who is also new to AHS, but he and Paulson were both in American Crime Story, which was about the OJ Simpson trial…..Murphy and Falchuk are also involved in that, so FX is keeping it all in the family, which will likely be some sort of theme in this series as well.

-Anyway, they move to North Carolina and aim to buy this house in the country, but they’re up against three of the most hillbilliest-ass dudes you’ve ever seen. They compete in this auction, in which the bid goes from $27,000 to $40,000 and the hillbillies bow up, but you gotta know that these dudes aren’t taking this shit lightly. Throw in the fact that Shelby and Matt are an interracial couple and yeah…..you should know how this is about to go. And yo……where were these hillbillies getting $25,000 to start with? I doubt they have jobs. I’m surprised they have teeth. We know one of ’em does. Mufucka’s teeth juttin’ out the side of his mouth.

-So then, we have various things going on as the couple is renovating their house. There are screams from what sound like a pig, and Matt gets a trash can thrown at him when he goes out to investigate. Then he goes somewhere and a mysterious storm starts, and while it looks like hail, Shelby tries to tell him that they were teeth and he’s like, ehhhh, you might be crazy. Around this time, Shelby reveals that she doesn’t want to stay there, but she doesn’t want to tell Matt and I’m all, yo, fuck his feelings. If the raining teeth weren’t enough…..who can sleep while it sounds like pigs are getting violated? Then, Matt goes away on a business trip, and Miss Yoga Teacher is all like, I’ll be fine….until she sees two random women in one of the many hallways that it seems this house has, but of course, she can’t find them. So, she tries to shake it off, and goes outside to their hot tub, and I could have sworn it was just storming outside, but hey, it’s whatever. Shelby looks all calm and cozy in the hot tub, when a hand covers her face and pushes her underwater. She gets free and calls the cops, who don’t believe her and they tell Matt that they can’t find anything in terms of hand or footprints, which makes her look even more crazy.

-You’d think that everything would come to a halt when Matt finds a dead pig at their door. But nah, he doesn’t tell Shelby about it, he just buries it away. What he does decide to do, is put up his own security system so he can watch the house while he is gone (STOP GOING AWAY), and he brings in his sister to watch over Shelby, even though the two don’t get along. His sister’s name is Lee, and in “real life”, or the Lily Rabe/Andre Holland timeline, she is played by Adina Porter, who was in True Blood (you were right, Mel), The 100 and The Newsroom. In “reenactment life”, or the Sarah Paulson/Cuba Gooding timeline, Lee is played  by Angela Bassett, and her story is that she was a cop who was shot, and she turned to booze and pills, which were found by another cop. She was fired from the squad, so she has some free time, but she thinks Shelby is a fake yoga-doing, rosee-drinking phony who doesn’t deserve her brother. She thinks Shelby is making this shit up until she sleeps there for a night, and hears the pig screaming. But Ms. Bassett is back, and the world is all good again.

-Shelby finds a knife moved in the kitchen, which freaks her out, while the sober Lee is in her room, and a bottle of wine is rolled in, which she blames on Shelby. However, they realize that they’re not alone in the house, which Matt can see on his security video. He tries to call the women and tell them that they’re being surrounded by people with torches and pitchforks, which is what Shelby described to the police when she was attacked in the hot tub, but they don’t answer the phone. Instead, they investigate in the basement…..the dark-as-shit basement, I might add…..and the door is closed on them. There is a video playing, and while it is grainy, they can make it a man with a pig’s head on his head, and there is a fight of some sort. Then, they go back upstairs and there are a buncha straw dolls hung up, very similar to some shit you’d see in the Blair Witch Project. These hillbillies are on some arts-and-craft shit…..they were very well done and they did that shit quickly.

-Shelby is fed the fuck up and is like, yo, we gotta go, while Matt and Lee are like, this is our home, they can’t scare us, let the cops do their work…..so lemme get this straight: the white woman wants to leave the scary house and the black people wanna stay? AND we’re trusting the police to do their jobs now? THE FUCK KINDA BIZZARO WORLD IS THIS? AHS is aiming to turn your shit upside this season, bruh.

-Anyway, she peaces out, like, runs outta the house and drives away in the car because fuck y’all, y’all can have this. Shelby is driving down the road, and in her rush, she hits what turns out to be an old lady, flipping her over the hood and shit. She goes out to see how the lady is, but yo…..ol’ girl just gets up and walks away, while Shelby is yelling about having her to take her to a hospital or some shit. But if you get up and walk away, I’m thinking it’s all good and I can go about my business. NOAP. Shelby wanders into the woods and again, on some Blair Witch shit, she gets lost because this place is fucking crazy. She gets lost and ends up in a clearing, where there are more of the straw dolls hung up and that’s when Shelby is like, oh for fuck sakes, you GOTTA be kidding me. Then, to top it all off, she is surrounded by the torch-havin’ mufuckas, and we see a dude that has been scalped (seriously, in the credits, he is the “Scalped Man”). Also, go back to the old woman, she had a bloody knife in her hand, AND we see that it’s Kathy Bates. AND one of the torch people turns out to be Wes Bentley, or John, the detective from Hotel. Shoutout to screen grabs, because all this shit happens really fast, and I’m still stuck on how Shelby ran into the woods in the first damn place.

And that was the premiere, possibly the best of the bunch so far. My biggest question about this is, so…….are real-life Shelby and Matt, are they going to end up dead when it is all said and done? AHS isn’t cut-and-dry, and it doesn’t seem like them to let us think that they’re going to live through this story. Also, if the Roanoke theme is the thing, are the torch people the remaining descendants from there? Also, why would you buy a house like this for $40,000 and battling these Deliverance-ass dudes? This was all a bad idea from the jump, but hell, without bad ideas, American Horror Story would have ended after Murder House. Anyway, I’m in, and there are still a whole gang of people we gotta see: Gaga will be back for something, Evan Peters, Denis O’Hare…..welcome back to the AHS fuckery, y’all.