Tag Archives: Carl Grimes

The Walking Dead S07E08 – Hearts Still Beating

The Walking Dead powered into its midseason break with “Hearts Still Beating”, and while the grammatical error in the title really bothers me (I’ll explain that later), it was everything that is great about TWD: it was cheesy, over the top, still had a little bit of heart, and it was a buncha Negan being a dick. Let’s go……..

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-We open with Maggie at Glenn’s grave, which I assume she does daily, and then she goes to the top of the gate at the Hilltop. Gregory has an apple and is almost like, do you want this, and Eduardo, who is also up there, is like, dude, she’s pregnant, so Gregory thinks he’s being a nice guy by giving her the apple. One, she’s pregnant, stop being a dick, and two, most importantly, pregnant or not, Maggie would stomp the muddiest of holes in Gregory’s ass. Did he spend an entire episode getting punked by everyone like, two weeks ago? If you don’t go sit your fake Herschel ass down somewhere.

-Daryl gets out of his cell because of that note that told him to go. Yay. Fuck.

-More importantly, Negan is at Rick’s house, taking a shave and telling One-Eyed Carl how to shave as well, cooking pasta in his house, lookin’ like that scene from “Goodfellas“, but without the cocaine. Olivia gets some lemonade from Tara, who says she’ll go inside and take over for Olivia, who told Rick she would watch Judith, and neither of them would be able to do anything, so that’s pointless.

-Then we have Rick and Aaron, who decide to go out to the houseboat in the canoe full of bulletholes, and I was like, OOOOOOOOOOH WHAT LEVEL OF FUCKERY IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN……well, the scene is stretched out, but basically, the canoe sinks because bulletholes, they have to fight off water walkers (which I figured would like, disintegrate in the water, but whatever man), Aaron sees one in the other canoe, falls the fuck over and is taken under, Rick freaks out, Aaron pops up, and I let out a good, hearty laugh. The best thing about The Walking Dead is when you can see the fuckery down the road, and you know it’s about to be some bullshit, but it’s just a matter of how they get to, and through, the bullshit. It was great. Anyway, they get to the canoe, while Negan is back at the house, tucking napkins in his shirt and shit, getting ready to chow down on a trough of spaghetti because that seems to be all they have at Alexandria (remember Aaron, Daryl and, um….Eric? I think that’s his boyfriend’s name).

-Spencer is tryna be nice to the Saviors, where some girl wants to holla at him and show him the compound later, aka her walls (not walls in a house, use your imagination). She also takes a moment to punk Eugene, who watches this flirtation go down because he’s a creep like that and he does like to watch.

-Meanwhile, Carol is tryna chill and read her book by a fire like a civilized human, and mufuckas won’t leave her alone, Morgan, King Zeke (who we don’t see in this episode and that’s some bullshit), and now Richard, apparently that is his name. He comes in and tries to persuade them to convince King Zeke to strike first against the Saviors, and Carol is like, I just wanna read my fuckin’ book and eat my produce, and we all know Morgan ain’t about that life. So, Richard goes to a shittily-hidden camper in the woods, throws a milk bottle and starts crying. So, here is my thing: why should I care about Richard? The Kingdom, even, for that matter? Spend a little more time on it and maybe, just maybe we would care. They could have honestly split up the Kingdom episode with the Tara episode at Ladyland, as my girl calls it. Because….anyway, more about the latter a bit later on because I have a guess about that. Richard does bring up a good point, though: the Saviors don’t really need a reason to go back on their deal. They run shit.

-Rick and Aaron are on the houseboat getting supplies, and they’re talking about this deal with the Saviors, which Michonne doesn’t think is living, but Aaron disagrees and says, “either your heart is beating or it isn’t”…..meanwhile, Michonne is still driving with this hostage Savior, and tries to talk to her because Michonne is losing her mind, and this woman just isn’t having it at all. OH, and back to Rick and Aaron, someone in mismatched boots is watching them through binoculars. Spooky.

-Oh, I almost forgot about Daryl and his great escape. He sneaks around, being all sneaky, then gets to Dwight’s room and eats ALL of the peanut butter with his dirty-ass finger. How does one eat that much peanut butter, that quickly, with one finger, and then not go to the bathroom right afterwards? And as he leaves, he smashes Dwight’s figurines, and they seemed to focus on one in particular, and I don’t know what the significance is. Maybe to show that Daryl is a badass? I bet he listens to Kid Rock. Goddammit, I hate this dude.

-At Hilltop, Maggie can smell apple pies through doors, but that’s believable because pregnancy hormones are no joke. Maggie wants to ask Jesus to get stuff, but Sasha says he left this morning. Maggie leaves and Enid is like, WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIN’. It’s because Sasha has a plan to go after Negan, because who doesn’t? I’d love to sit down and rank all of the plans because there are some real shitburgers in this pile.

-Father Bitchass and Rosita are at the church….and you know what…..GABRIEL tries to talk Rosita out of her shitty plan to kill Negan, maybe wait so everyone can work together. He has earned the right to finally be called by his real name. Lowkey, Young Gabe might be the MVP of the half-season (non-Negan division). Can’t wait for that to backfire in my face.

-Spencer is in the mirror, practicing how to say “Hi” and he looks like he’s on some Jack Handy shit (old SNL skit, do ya Googles). He tells Rosita that the plan is to get close to Negan and then strike, and Rosita says she used him before, but she’ll do dinner with him later because yo, people gotta bang, b. Meanwhile, Daryl finishes his great escape by bashing Fat Joey’s head in with a pipe, and Jesus walks in on it, so they steal a motorbike and leave. Negan gon’ kill everyone at that compound, b. He leaves and everyone stops giving all of the fucks. Everyone gon’ have irons on their faces.

-Michonne and the lady Savior drive to within distance of a gang of Saviors, like, hundreds of mufuckas and is basically like, bruh, you can’t win this fight, he is everywhere…..but I’m done with this shit, so you need to kill me and set this truck on fire. Which Michonne apparently does.

-Rick and Aaron get back to Alexandria to find Negan and ’em, and Aaron takes a massive ass-whipping because of some fuckass note they found on the houseboat that says “congrats for winning, but you still lose”. Thanks to Holly for this, but why did they even take the note back with them? How would they not know that would be some shit? Anyway, Aaron says that his heart is still beating, which is why the title bothers me. “heart’s” = “heart is”, not “hearts”. I don’t know why I would expect a show like this to care about that, but anyway.

-Spencer introduces himself to Negan, who wants to play pool, so they move a pool table out in the middle of the street. Spencer throws Rick under the bus, more or less implying that Rick got his mother killed and that he always fucks shit up (which isn’t all the way wrong), and that Spencer can be the new leader. Here is where you realized that he gotta die, because Negan says that Rick is swallowing his pride and his hate of Negan to get shit done, and that if Spencer wants Rick’s spot, go take it….but he won’t, because he doesn’t have the guts….and then he disembowels Spencer right on the street. In front of everyone, because everyone decided to come out and watch this game of pool. Shit looked like a Michael Jackson video.

-Rosita gets mad and pulls out the heat, but instead of shooting Negan, she shoots Lucille and Negan starts randomly cursing, sounding like Sterling Archer. One of the Saviors throws Rosita to the ground and cuts her face, while Negan wants to know who made this magic bullet. A couple people say they did it, but Negan knows they’re lying, so the female Savior, Arat is her name, she shoots Olivia. Tara then says she did it, but Eugene confesses and Negan is like, yeah, you look like a bullet-makin’ mufucka. So he takes Eugene with him when he leaves, and Rick stabs a reanimating Spencer in the head because fuck that guy.

-Michonne and Rick meet in the cells, and Michonne tells him that there are more Saviors than they thought, but they still have to fight. So they go to the Hilltop to see Maggie, and Jesus and Daryl are there, and it’s one big-ass Avengers reunion as they walk up to the house to discuss a plan. Daryl even gives Rick back his gun, which was on Fat Joey because that’s way too easy. Maggie better have kicked Daryl in the nuts at least three times, since he got back.

-I missed this, but after the credits, Young Gabe is being watched at the Alexandria gate by the person with the mismatched boots. I’m gon’ guess it’s someone from Ladyland? It better be. We don’t need any more new people.

-The one thing that I do like that they are rationing us with Negan, because I think if he were in every episode, it would be too much. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is the MVP of this half-season and it isn’t even close because of how he straddles that line of being a cartoon and a downright fucking lunatic. But every episode and I think it would be too much. They just have to figure out to handle shit when he isn’t in the episode.

-Also, AMC: get your shit together and just make all the episode 90 minutes long. What else do you have to show? And if you’re gon’ have this many characters, you just might as well. I don’t wanna make any more Game Of Thrones comparisons, but let’s just say, you’re not Game Of Thrones. Take that extra advertising money and highstep down the sideline.

That was a solid ending to a typical half-season of The Walking Dead, which will return in February and likely do the same thing: be great for the first couple episodes, then be garbage, then end strong. Morgan and Carol will eventually come around and reach out to Rick because someone will hear something about Alexandria, which means King Zeke and Battlecat will be involved, Tara will holla at Ladyland, and yeah…..man, it is what it is by now with The Walking Dead. If they could just be consistent, the world would be a better place. The ratings are dropping, but they’re just now very good down from astronomical. It’ll be interesting to see if they try to improve in the second half of Season 7, I wouldn’t bet on it, but crazier things have happened and I’ma watch anyway. See y’all in February.

 

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The Walking Dead S07E07 – Sing Me A Song

The Walking Dead has been hot garbage the last few weeks, basically since the second episode of Season 7, but of course, it picks up with “Sing Me A Song”, just in time for next week’s midseason finale because that’s what this show does. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Michonne walking down a road, where she finds the pile of burned mattresses, and then she kills two walkers that served as a nice callback to when we first met her, with her walkers on leashes. Meanwhile, Rick and Aaron, aka New Daryl, get out of a truck and see something down the road they’re on. Everyone stays tryna be Daryl on this show. Probably won’t work out for anyone but Daryl.

-A pair of Saviors are shooting the shit, waiting for some walkers to move out of their way, but we find Jesus and Carl in the back of their truck. Jesus jumps out of the truck while it’s moving, but Carl decides to stay because he’s a man and has to do this himself….also, he’s not that bright. Carl has large balls, no doubt, but his plan-making skills leave a lot to be desired.

-They get back to the spot and Carl eventually opens fire with a machine gun, killing one and asking for Negan. He shoots another one before Dwight tackles him, but Negan plays good cop….well, kinda….he offers Carl a hand and a tour, and Carl says no, but Negan says he’ll cut off Daryl’s arm if he doesn’t say yes. So kind of a good cop?

-There is some other stuff that happens in this episode, but really, the best part of the whole thing is Negan generally being a shit. He gets the entire factory to kneel to him and Carl is lookin’ at these people like they’re all pusses, then he takes Carl to meet his wives, like, a bunch of them. But here, Negan is smart because what is the best way you’re gon’ soften up a slightly-teenaged kid…..hell, a grown-ass man as well? That’s right: offer them titties and beer. Rick ain’t offer Carl none of that. If there was one moment in this episode that Carl may have thought, hey, maybe Negan ain’t all that bad, it was right here.

-Then he goes to Sherry, Dwight’s ex, and gets the news that one of his wives, Amber, got one of his men, Mark, to avoid his work and be with her. Here is where Jeffrey Dean Morgan really shines, where he straddles the line between being a cartoon character with how over-the-top he is……but then you get the feeling that he’s gon’ kill everyone in that room, even though he mentioned that he has never laid a hand on any of the women. However, Amber knows that something bad is gon’ come, and poor Mark….he doesn’t even know it yet. Meanwhile, Dwight brings in Daryl with a vegetable tray from Sobeys or some shit.

-Next, Negan gets Carl to show him his eye, or rather, his lack of an eye, and oooooooooh boy…..JDM was on fire here. “That is disgusting” was my favorite part of the rant, and then it’s even better when he apologizes to Carl, who is crying because Negan is really havin’ a time the eye jokes.Actually, that’s a lie, the best part is that Negan tells him, “I wanna touch it” through a hearty chuckle, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s the second time someone on The Walking Dead has wanted to touch it, and I mean…..COME ON. And Negan is kinda sympathetic, but he doesn’t let Carl cover it up because it’s rad. Not only that, he gets Carl to sing him a song, “You Are My Sunshine” because that’s what Lori sang to him, and Carl explains the story of him shooting Lori before he turned. I really get the idea that Negan actually likes Carl, like, might wanna be his Big Brother or some shit, which would be the most perverse Big Brothers pairing ever.

-Let’s take a little break from Negan being a dick to talk about Rick and Aaron, who stumble upon a buncha warning signs from someone telling them that they’ll only find trouble if they go forward, so obviously they have to go forward and besides, they have one day to round up shit before Negan returns, or so they think. Meanwhile, Spencer and Father Bitchass are out scavenging, and FB has really had enough of Spencer’s bitching, calling him a tremendous shit and then gets outta the car to walk back to Alexandria. The best part is that he looked in his eyes the whole time, and you KNOW you’re a punk when Father Bitchass knows you ain’t gon’ do nothing. Then Spencer finds a walker hung up with a bow, he gets it down and finds a note in his pocket in Latin, and this is about to be some ol’ bullshit. I was praying the walker fell on his head.

-Rosita yells at Eugene and calls him a coward for not making her bullet, and while she brings up a lot of great points, fuck her because her plan is fucking terrible and could get a lot more people killed. She’s basically risking everyone else’s lives for Abe, who moved on to the next girl right in front of your face. And is Rosita even a good shot? Goddammit, these people make some awful, awful plans.

-Dwight and Sherry are back to smoking, and she regrets their deal with Negan, but such is life. I think she might be at the top of the “Who will double-cross Negan” Power Rankings. It would be Sherry, with Dwight closely behind, Daryl doesn’t count because he’s just broken and I think he even threatens Negan in this episode because he still ain’t learned. Anyway, Fat Joey is third on the list because they fat-shame him all the time. And Sherry is definitely #1 on the list because Daryl gets a note with a key on the back in his cell, and it says, “GO NOW”. She did that shit.

-But OH, speaking of fat-shaming, that’s nothing. Carl says some shit about Negan is afraid to kill him because he already would have, so Negan and ’em roll out (with Jesus on top of the truck because the Saviors are just terrible at noticing anything happening with their vehicles) and head to Alexandria. Negan meets Olivia, who says that they’re running low on supplies and that they’re practically starving. Negan starts laughing because, well, let’s just say Olivia doesn’t look like she’s starving, then as she is crying, tries to have sex with her, to which she slaps him and leaves. Yeah man, Negan ain’t here for your feelings. Your feelings are there to amuse him. His performance alone makes this the best episode of the season.

-Then he finds Judith, and the episode actually ends with Negan, sitting on Rick’s porch, holding his (well, Shane’s) baby, contemplating killing Rick and Carl and taking over their house and chatting with the neighbors. Mental warfare is Negan’s game, although we’ve seen that he’s pretty solid at the physical game as well.

-And no, I didn’t forget that he ironed Mark’s face like a dress shirt. Like Amber said, she knows he’s an asshole and it wouldn’t end well for anyone. Mark passed out and pissed himself and everything, and Negan got Daryl to clean it up. But hey, rules are rules are rules.

-Some other stuff was happening in this episode, starting with Michonne, who set up a trap for one of the Saviors driving down the street. After a brief scuffle, Michonne orders the woman to take her to Negan. Now, I have slightly more confidence in her Negan plan over Carl’s or Rosita’s, but not a whole lot. After all these go wrong, I want Negan to sit down and evaluate these plans on a grading scale. I’m sure he’d have all sorts of quips. Rick and Aaron find a houseboat that is surrounded by walkers, so someone has to be out there. And Rosita, Eugene and Spencer get back to Alexandria, where they find Negan and ’em. Spencer’s Latin knowledge tells him that letter reveals a buncha supplies and guns because why the fuck wouldn’t it. If they make either him, or Father Bitchass, pull off some Carol-type shit to save everyone, I’ma throw my hands up so damn fast.

Anyway, this was the best episode of the season for me, which doesn’t say a whole lot because I’ve thought most of this season was a steaming pile of zombie skin. But I think it’s safe to say JDM is the MVP of Season 7 regardless of what happens. Next week’s finale is slated to be almost 90 minutes, their sixth extended episode of the season because AMC is getting all the commercial money (and good on ’em). Whose plan is gon’ blow up in their faces first? Who will die? Someone gotta die, I would think, and the Dwight/Sherry double-cross plan will probably start to take shape. And where the fuck is King Zeke and the tiger?

I hope Daryl dies. I REALLY hope he does.

 

 

 

 

The Walking Dead S07E04 – Service

Now that we’re all caught up with everyone, and we know where everyone is, The Walking Dead continues with “Service”, also known as the Negan-comin-for-all-your-shit tour. Some stuff that happened in the premiere served to help this episode not be terrible, and there could have been a hint for the future here as well, so let’s go.

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-We open with Rick and Michonne in bed, which I kinda forgot about, and she sneaks out, well, she thinks she does. But Rick saw her the whole time, and I’m pretty sure he saw the rifle that she took out of the fireplace of their house. She takes her weapons and goes to an abandoned car, sitting on the roof, waiting for something it seems, while Rick picks up Judith from her crib. It is a very ominous feeling, this beginning, like Michonne is about to wild out, which might not be in her best interests.

-Meanwhile, Rosita and Spencer are going on a supply run so that they’ll have something to give the Saviors, but Eugene is gon’ build a portable audio system for them, because surely the Saviors need something to play their music on. I wonder what Negan listens to? He seems like he would listen to ’70s rock, with no use for anything modern. Watch, he’ll bring out a Katy Perry playlist and dare anyone to laugh.

-Negan shows up at the Alexandria gate with his crew, including Daryl, and he reminds me of Eddie Murphy doing his James Brown impersonation. He tells Rick to hold Lucille, knowing full and damn well that he ain’t gon’ do anything, and no one can talk to Daryl, either, but Daryl is basically beaten down at this point, just gearing up for his inevitable redemption. They start searching the houses, while Dwight fucks with Rosita, taking her hat and her water, and ordering her to go get Daryl’s motorcycle, so he can make his transformation complete. Damn, he’s gon’ be so mad when Daryl takes it back. He’ll probably die, too. Also in this sequence, when Negan rolled up to the gate, Spencer had no idea who he was and tried to backtalk Negan, and Rick was like, man, if you don’t open this damn gate before batting practice starts.

-Michonne sees a walker and tries to shoot it, but keeps missing, so she takes out her trusty katana and cuts his head in half. You would think that Michonne would be a better shooter than she is at this point, but hell, she has the katana, so just roll with that. Unless the opposition has guns. Then, you should probably work on that.

-Negan asks about Maggie, and Rick lies, saying she is dead. He takes Negan to her “grave”, where he says that he wanted to add her to his harem of wives. Yeah, good luck with that. Maggie would kill herself first, especially for him. I know she has a baby and all, but nah, that ain’t the life that she wants her kid to lead. But then they hear a gunshot and Rick looks at Negan like, YO IT WASN’T ME.

-They find Carl with a Savior at gunpoint because dude tried to take their medicine. While Negan is impressed with Carl’s, um, let’s say, testicular fortitude, he basically tells him to back off or more people die. Shoutout to Carl for having a bigger pair than his father, and the intelligence to know that Negan ain’t playin’. He also gets the guns taken away by Negan, who wants ALL of the guns and Rick said they’re all there, but apparently two are not counted for, so Negan threatens to kill Olivia if they’re not found. She works at the pantry and the armoury, so Rick can’t lose her. Might gotta put a job ad on Kijiji or some shit.

-Rosita and Spencer are out in the woods, and Spencer questions whether Rick should lead Alexandria. Well, if not him, Spencer, who? You? YOU? Better not be. Because if he was leading Alexandria after his mother died, there is a good chance there wouldn’t be an Alexandria at this point.

-Rick calls a meeting to see where these guns are, and tells everyone that Negan is running the show now. So, I assume he hasn’t told anyone about Negan until, like, just now. You should probably give your citizens a heads up before people come in and take your shit. That could have ended much worse for everyone, meaning Alexandria. Eugene noticed that there were a couple people not at the meeting, which will come up later, I’m sure.

-Rosita spends her time killing the undead Saviors that were there when Denise got her arrow in the eye, and kills them, while looking for guns on the correct assumption that Negan is taking theirs. So, where does she think she will hide these guns? She does hide one in the wheel-well of the car they were driving, but you can only put so many guns in wheel-wells.

-HEY, look, Father Bitchass makes his first appearance of the season and it was him who led Negan to Maggie’s “grave”. He says that faith will get them through this whole thing, and Rick needs to believe and all types of other shit. Unless faith carries a bazooka (which Negan took), they’ll need more than that. Rick does manage to find the guns, stashed in Spencer’s house, along with some booze and food, ol’ hoardin’-ass mufucka.

-Rick takes the guns to Negan, who continues to crack jokes while threatening lives, but Rick sees Michonne and asks to be excused. I have no idea how Negan doesn’t see her, and I don’t buy that Negan wouldn’t send someone over with Rick, most likely, himself. Rick goes over to her, while holding Lucille, and says that people will die if Negan doesn’t get the guns, so they make up some story about her hunting and she brings back a deer to make the story even better. I might have messed that last part up, because I spent most of the time rolling my eyes. He then asks if Daryl can stay and Negan is all NOAP. Negan even asks Daryl if he wants to stay, and Daryl says nothing. No matter what he said, he wouldn’t have been happy, knowing Negan. Dwight then rolls up on Daryl’s bike and says he can have it back if he just pleads his allegiance to Negan, but we all know that ain’t happening.

-Rick goes at Spencer for stealing the guns, and Spencer goes back at him, blaming him for the deaths of Glenn and Abe. Rick is like, I know I’m gettin’ punked out here, but it won’t be by you, I promise, and threatens to break Spencer’s jaw if he says some shit again. Everyone has a line, I suppose. Then, Rosita goes at Spencer, who tells her he doesn’t trust Rick, and this is where she sneaks out the wheel-well gun. I wouldn’t be super upset if Spencer died. I know he’s Deanna’s son and all, but you can only push people that do more than you for so long.

-Rick and Michonne are back at the house, spreading blankets on the floor because Negan even took their mattresses. Michonne is struggling to understand this new way of life, but then Rick tells her about Shane, and how he knows Judith probably isn’t his child, but this is life now and you roll with it. This is the first time he acknowledged that Judith probably wasn’t his, I believe, and that has gotta knaw at him. He also says that they don’t even have the numbers with the people at the Hilltop, who I forgot all about, and I think Rick even killed their best fighters, so that won’t help. I thought the Hilltop and the Kingdom were the same. But this is how I see this playing out: the Saviors will mention something about Alexandria at their next meeting with King Zeke and Morgan, who will then rally the troops to help save Rick and ’em. Yeah, that’s pretty much how that will go.

-Now, I didn’t see this part because my copy must have cut off, but Michonne sees the Saviors burning the mattresses and seethes, while Rosita takes a shell casing to Eugene and tells him to make her a bullet. Just one. Some magic-bullet shit that will take out all the Saviors. But I’m concerned about Michonne. She is on the verge of wildin’ the fuck out, and that scares me.

-Seriously, though: where the hell is Maggie? Did she end up at the Hilltop? Isn’t there a doctor there? Why the hell didn’t she go there in the first place? I know there is a story, I’m just not going back to look, but I do think there is a story.

So, this episode was all about Negan runnin’ Alexandria’s pockets, Rick getting down on himself like he did at the prison before he became a damn farmer, Michonne and Rosita should really get together and start coming up with a cohesive plan before they get everyone killed, and Judith might be an orphan. Hell, she might be a double orphan soon if Rick keeps giving Negan sideeyes (prediction: she won’t). I haven’t seen a preview for next week, but I would think the Kingdom would get a mention, and hell, maybe even the Hilltop, too. Because Lord knows, Rick is gon’ need a LOT of help to get past Negan and ’em.

The Walking Dead S07E02 – The Well

After the insanity of the seventh-season premiere, The Walking Dead returns with “The Well”, which allows everyone to take a breather and we’re introduced to the newest community, the Kingdom, and now, we can all move on last week, right? Right.

Although I feel kinda bad for Abe…..no one cared about him hahaha….still tho, no more Glenn jokes for me. I’m so good with those.

Let’s go….

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-So, I missed pretty much everything up to the opening credits because I was watching soccer (shoutout to Toronto FC, we’re halfway there, boys). But from what I gathered, we go back to Carol, who was shot by the Saviors at the end of last season, but is rescued by Morgan and some guys on horses. Carol, obviously a mess, goes back to sleep, wakes up, hallucinates and walks into a buncha walkers and has to be rescued again, then she sleeps for two days. Does that about cover it? This will probably happen again next week because soccer trumps The Walking Dead in these streets.

-Anyway, she wakes up and Morgan is pushing her around the Kingdom in a wheelchair, which seems like a dream because children are playing and people are laughing, basically, any community we’re introduced to this show. He says they can go back to Alexandria in a week when she is better, but he wants her to meet King Ezekiel, and yooooo……this dude is chillin’ on a throne with a big-ass tiger named Shiva. He welcomes Carol with this kingly accent, offers her some fruit because it’s fruit day and behind him is a wise-cracking Asian guard named, um, I’m not sure, but dude is pretty good. Carol, looking up in the air to find the jig, goes into Casserole Carol mode with this look on her face like, come on, dogg, this can’t be real, and refuses the pomegranate, which I don’t think I’ve ever had, but shoot, I wanted to take one. They leave and Carol is like, this place is crazy, they’re crazy and I’m out, but Morgan won’t allow it, even though he knows that if Carol wants to leave, she’ll leave.

-Ezekiel leaves with Morgan, this kid Ben, this girl (I don’t know if we got her name) and this cat named Richard, and they’re corralling pigs into a room where they eat a walker because as Richard says, they want their pigs to be filled with rot, which sounds disgusting. They run into more walkers and Ben is instructed to kill one with a machete, but he struggles and Ezekiel saves him, but he wants Morgan to keep the pig hunt a secret for whatever reason, which we’ll learn later. He also wants Morgan to train Ben with the staff because he needs to keep Ben alive. Ezekiel has taken a liking to Ben, and I have my theory about why. All I’m saying is, I run into another brotha and he got a tiger, I’m rollin’ with him. But that’s too many of us on the show now, so someone gotta go.

-I think it was also here that Morgan tells Ezekiel that he could have saved the Savior that he shot to save Carol, and I’m not really here for another season of Morgan tryna save everyone. You saved Carol, that’s important. These Saviors ain’t shit, bruh. They’re too far gone. This dude will really try to have a non-violent sitdown with Negan, and I’d love to see how that would go down.

-Anyway, this awful choir sings through this montage of Morgan training Ben, Ezekiel watching, and Carol wheelin’ around, stealing clothes and knives, both of which were amazing. The knife was sitting on a table and she rolled by it, and then you see this hand just yoink that shit off the table, but we just see the hand and I actually laughed out loud. Then the clothes, she basically told this man to look over there, and put the clothes under her blanket. I think she might have sighed when she did it too, like, y’all mufuckas are stupid.

-Ben wants to read Morgan’s “Art Of Peace” book, then Ezekiel tells them to come on this run and Richard tells Morgan to bring his gun, which I didn’t think he had. They go to meet a group of Saviors and it turns out the pigs were for them because the Kingdom is also on this pay-as-you-go-or-you-die plan with the Saviors, who are just runnin’ everyone’s pockets outchea in these streets. One of the Saviors picks a fight with Richard, who could easily destroy this guy, but Ezekiel tells him to stand down and Richard just takes two shots from the Savior until their leader, Gavin, who I’m pretty sure we met last season, tells him to stop. Anyway, this is meat week and next is produce week, and Gavin warns Ezekiel that if he gets less than what is on his list, Richard is the first to die. Jokes on y’all, tho…..you’re eating walker bacon…..walker pork chops…..all that shit. And that CAN’T be good for the digestive tract. Oh, and the girl that went with them earlier, her name is Dianne, apparently.

-They get back to the Kingdom and over dinner, we learn that Ben has a younger brother and their father was here, but he died while clearing out a building with walkers, and I bet that is absolutely not what happened, but what Ezekiel told him. Ben also says that Ezekiel is hiding this deal from the Saviors because if he told the Kingdom, they’d wanna fight and well, I don’t think they know this yet, but they’re definitely not built for that shit in the slightest. Then he asks Morgan if he is against killing and Morgan is like, sometimes, we change our minds…..word, Morgan? See, and this is just it…you gotta kill in the zombie apocalypse. You just gotta. You don’t have to like it, in fact, it’s kinda weird if you do. But you gotta kill. You’re not saving the Saviors. They all gotta die. But he knows them and now he has the Kingdom, and they’re all gon’ team up with Rick and ’em and bring down Negan, so it’s just a matter of how they get there.

-Shoutout to the Fear The Walking Dead commercial snippets that are back. This series is called Passage and so far, some girl is following another girl towards, well, I’m not sure yet. It’s all very vague and they seem to be hiding in some sort of test compound, and they’ll flesh it out. Flight 462 from last season was so much better than the actual Fear TWD, and I expect this to be good as well, and then we’ll get to Fear and it’ll be terrible.

-Morgan goes to bring Carol some food, but she’s long gone. She is out in the garden, stealing fruit and she is caught by Ezekiel and that guard, who chucks up the deuces as he leaves and man, he’s pretty damn good. But we learn that Ezekiel knows Carol is faking her act because as he says, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. Ezekiel drops the accent and sounds like he might have ad-libs on a Southern rap record, and he used to be a zookeeper before everything went down. Basically he rolled up on this community with a tiger and they had no leader, so Ezekiel (which is actually his name) threw on this accent because he did a little acting, and he assumed the role because people want to feel safe…..and I bet it was largely because he had a tiger that didn’t want to eat him (he saved Shiva from bleeding to death, so the tiger is down with him). And you know, he is right. Same shit happened in Alexandria, same shit happened with the Woodbury and the Governor, and I bet the same shit happened with Negan and the Saviors. Someone has to step up and lead. So why not the dude with the tiger?

-HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THE DUDE HAS A TIGER THO?

-Carol thinks it’s all some bullshit, but I think she comes to respect Ezekiel a little bit. Still, she wants to go and Ezekiel is like, cool, but I think I have a solution where she goes, but she doesn’t. The house from the beginning was a caretaker’s cottage, so it’s not on Kingdom property, but it’s close enough. Morgan takes her out there and tells her that she is one of his favorite people that he ever knocked out, so that’s nice. Carol goes into the house and kills the Old Woman Walker that almost got her at the beginning, and then she makes a fire. Ezekiel comes by with a pomegranate and she smiles……and if there is one thing The Walking Dead is here for, it’s interracial relationships. We got Rick and Michonne, there was Sasha and Abe, Abe and Rosita, Glenn and Maggie, Tyreese and Karen, if she wouldn’t have been stupid and tried to stab that cop, there would have been Beth and Noah….anyway, you get the point…..keep an eye on that.

I was excited for the Kingdom basically since I saw a preseason trailer with Ezekiel, and I kinda wish that they would stay here for a couple episodes, but there is no time for that. I think next week is about fuckass Daryl, probably not dying, and unless he’s dying, I don’t care. They’ll probably split that with Rick and ’em, and not even Rick, I wanna see how Maggie is doing. Anyway, I think we have everyone that we need to know on board, so the march to the midseason finale of The Walking Dead really begins.

The Walking Dead S07E01 – The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be

I think I write this every single season: The Walking Dead is very good at premieres and finales: it’s in between that usually crosses them up. We’ll worry about all that later (because it WILL happen), but Season 7’s premiere, “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be” was everything I needed it to be: bloody, brutal and taking out people that we care about. Let’s go……

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-Shoutout to Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays Negan and tweeted out this picture after the premiere was done. Negan is already the best villain in the history of TWD, no matter what happens. He makes the Governor look like a daycare teacher. A cuddly one, at that. One that would let you have an extra juice box after nap time.

-The episode starts off where it ended last season, with Negan standing over the crew, Lucille in tow, ready to take some batting practice. For the most part, the first segment was Negan threatening Rick, and I missed the first minute or two, but luckily, they didn’t show who it was until the second, when it was revealed that it was……Abe. I knew it. I knew it wouldn’t be anyone that we cared about, and by “we”, I mean, “me”. I don’t care about Abe, he hit some smoove one-liners last season, and no one will ever forget him calling someone a “motherdick”, but am I upset that it was him? Not really. Negan probably decided that he might as well take out the biggest person, that would be my thinking. Some people were like, he could add Abe to his army, but I’m pretty sure Negan is good with the army he has. Anyway, Negan beat the blazes outta that dude, who managed to get out something about his nuts as he was dying, kiss ’em or suck ’em or something. Probably be able to rub some brains on his nuts, that’s how hard Negan was hittin’ him.

-And then Daryl, who I wished it would have been, decided to be a big man and jump up at Negan, I think he even managed to get a punch in. Negan had Lucille in front of Rosita, telling her to look at Abe’s brains as he put it together that they were something, and what did Negan say? If anyone moved, some shit was about to fly. Dogg, he WARNED you. So Negan has to prove that he is a man of his word, and took it out on Glenn’s skull. Now this was slightly upsetting, but it would have been moreso if what happened with Glenn and the dumpster hadn’t happened. I figured he wouldn’t get it because if he got outta that, Glenn was Superman. But Negan ain’t a buncha dumbass zombies that decided, well, we can’t reach him so we’ll move on, and went to town on Glenn’s head. And that’s on Daryl, that’s on y’alls man, your saviour, ol’ non-showerin’ ass. I really wish it would have been him just to see people furious. And he woulda deserved it because this is on him. And I’m prepared to be mad when he survives this. Because he WILL survive this.

-HE DOESN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.

-Glenn said something to Maggie before Negan hit ’em with the death blow, but I don’t know what he said. Hopefully, it was, “this is Daryl’s fault”. Anyway, RIP to Glenn. Season 1 vet, and last season’s, “I was just supposed to be delivering pizzas” line is up there with Carol’s “Look at the flowers” from Season 4 as my favorites. But I’m happy it happened. TWD was getting complacent. If Game Of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that anyone can get it at any time, and this was basically TWD’s version of “The Red Wedding”. For a minute, I REALLY thought Rick would get it, too. That’s how frightening Negan is.

-Somewhere in between this, Rick says something about, not today, not tomorrow, blah blah blah, but he’s gon’ kill Negan. And he will, because The Walking Dead (actually, now I believe it will be Maggie). But for now, Negan is in charge and he drags Rick into his camper, where he also has Abe’s axe. He tells Rick to try and get it and kill him, and then surprises him with a machine gun, because Rick really thought Negan was that stupid. Negan takes him out to one of the last traps they ran into in the Season 6 finale, “Last Day On Earth“, the joint where they hung ya man off the overpass. Negan throws his axe outside of the camper and tells Rick to go get it for him, basically to see if he will. And here is where shit REALLY got ridiculous. First, it looks like the place is swarming with zombies, but Negan kills like, two of them as he opens the door and there is a clear path. Okay, fine, whatever. Then Rick fights off a couple, but again, it looks like there are roughly 20,000 walkers around him. Cool. Then Rick runs to the top the camper, but I didn’t see him grab an axe and next thing you know, the axe is beside him. I don’t even think Rick saw the axe when Negan threw it out. Rick is going through a buncha scenarios in which everyone dies if he doesn’t get this axe back to Negan, so…..sorry, I just chuckled remembering this scene because it’s ridiculous, remember ol’ boy that they hung off the overpass? Yeah dogg…..Rick fuckin’ jumped on him and hung there for a minute. But really, this might have been the most realistic part of the scene because dude was freshly dead and turned, so he would have been able to hang there for a minute before falling, as we saw. If it was an older zombie, shit would have just slid off. But Negan is there to shoot away any zombies that were close to Rick, because Negan needs him to alive to go back to Alexandria and tell everyone who the new leader is.

-BUT YO…….am I the only one that noticed that in this whole exchange, it would go to light, and then it would be crazy foggy? Negan said dawn was breaking, but when he threw Rick out of the camper, that shit looked like Silent Hill. Anyway, it was all ridiculous, but it’s The Walking Dead, so it is what it is. This is what I mean when I say, it’s not a well-done show. It’s not. But it’s entertaining.

-They go back to the site, and it’s light out now, officially. Negan doesn’t think Rick gets it, and really, this entire episode was all about Negan planting his flag in Rick’s group and saying, y’all are mine now. So, he gets his people to put guns to Rick’s people, and he brings Carl over to Rick, and he tells Rick that he has to cut Carl’s left arm off. Now, comic people will come out of the woodwork to tell you what this is about, and yes, I know, and we don’t care. Don’t be that person. Anyway, Rick tearfully pleads to Negan to let it be him and Carl is basically telling Rick not to be a bitch, and just do it. Man, you gotta respect Carl at this point. He told Rick to stop being a punk in what, last season, maybe the season before (it was Season 4….look at me fact-checkin’)? Negan even starts a countdown, but he doesn’t get Rick to do it, although it would have been hilarious if he did. He tells Rick that he’ll be by Alexandria next week for his first order of….um, do we even know what he wants from Alexandria? How about EVERYTHING? Let’s go with EVERYTHING.

-Negan and ’em pack up and leave, leaving what is left of that crew to sit there and think about what happened. Maggie is obviously a mess and everyone tries to console her, while Eugene and Sasha go to Rosita over Abe. Maggie keeps saying that she’s going to drag Glenn back to Alexandria and everyone is like, that’s stupid, we’ll take ’em both, Negan is a nice guy and left us a truck. So, I assume they load up the bodies and head back to Alexandria, although the last thing I remember is Maggie standing between two puddles of blood/brain/hair/whatever is left of Glenn and Abe.

-Oh, in my shitting on his existence, I almost forgot to even say what happened to Daryl. They threw his ass in a van and took him somewhere. Hopefully, to inflict pain on him. That’s it. Ol’ loud spaghetti-slurpin’ ass.

-Oh, before I forget, the dinner scene. The dream joint which is narrated by Negan, who is saying to Rick that he thought the group was going to grow old together. I hope they didn’t really think that would happen. For the rest of your life, in that world, you have to be on edge because if it ain’t Negan, it would be someone else. Glenn and Maggie at the head of the table with their son, drinking wine. Well, we have the premise for Season 24: Glenn Jr. hunts down Negan and avenges his death.

-I’m just happy it wasn’t Michonne or Maggie. Those might have been deal-breakers. Probably not, but I would have thought about it.

This was about as far as they could go in the premiere, and I hope that this isn’t the last main character we see go. The Walking Dead is the highest-rated cable show in TV history, and it was resting on its laurels a bit. It was good to see them shake shit up a bit. So next week, I assume we’ll see Carol and Morgan, the burial of Abe and Glenn, Negan making his first trip to Alexandria and hopefully, what I’m waiting for the most this season, the black guy with the dreads and the tiger. WHERE IN THE FUCK DO YOU FIND A TIGER IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? That’s my man, tho.

Welcome back, The Walking Dead. May you be consistently inconsistent throughout this entire season, and I’ll be here for all of it.

 

The Walking Dead S06E10 – The Next World

After coming back with a bang for the second half, The Walking Dead slowed down the pace with “The Next World”, which I was completely fine with. The pace, that is. I’m not too sure how I feel about some of the things that went down in this episode, and hopefully I’ll figure it out by the time I’m done. Let’s go….

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-The episode opens with Michonne in a bathrobe, asking Rick to bring back toothpaste on a supply run, and it seems like some time has passed since Carl got his eye shot out. Then you have Denise asking Daryl to bring back pop for Tara. Rick and Michonne look mad comfortable and I raise an eyebrow. But Denise and Tara, is that a thing now? They kissed in the first half of this season, so hey, do your thing, ladies. A threesome is still in play for someone, because I’ve given up on Glenn.

-Speaking of, Maggie sees Enid and tries to get her to talk, but Enid ain’t tryna hear it. Maggie tells her that she’s around if she wants to talk. So we don’t even get a Glenn-Maggie reunion after that bullshit they pulled last week? We get Maggie and Enid? Okay then. I’ve been waiting for her ass to get eaten since she got there.

-And not eating her actual ass, you dirtbags.

-Eugene gives Rick and Daryl a map of the area and points out an agricultural-supply store, where they can hopefully find stuff to grow their own food. Look at Eugene, being helpful. This is what he is good for. As they’re driving, in a Chrysler 300 no less because if you’re gon’ ride around in the zombie apocalypse, might as well be in some nice shit. Rick said he wants to find food and new people, which Daryl counters that they haven’t seen in weeks. I’m cool with food, but what in the hell do you want to find new people for? Tell me how great that has worked out in the past?

-Michonne, while keeping watch, sees Spencer walking out into the woods with a shovel, and obviously she has to follow him. But I trust whatever Michonne does, so it’s cool.

-Rick and Daryl see a barn, and they find a truck inside. It seems awful trappy to me. Then they leave the car there and take the truck, and stop at a gas station to get more shit, which seems even more trappy. Then a dude comes outta nowhere, and they pull the heat on him. He says his name is Paul Rovia, and he said he was running from walkers. They decide that he isn’t a problem and let him do, then they hear shots from behind the gas station, which they discover are fireworks. That’s when they realize they’ve been had, and Paul Rovia is driving off with the truck. See, Rick? See what tryna be friends gets you? You got friends, bruh. Shoot anyone you see and keep it movin’. That’s why Killa Carol needs to pass the concussion protocol and be out there on these runs.

-Spencer is out in the woods, tryna draw a walker out and kill it, but Michonne steps up and kills it. Spencer is like, so you think I’m a bitch and Michonne is like, man, I told ya moms I’d look after ya bitch ass. Not in those words, but that’s more or less what she meant. Or what I meant.

-Meanwhile, Carl and Enid are in the woods, reading comic books, and even Enid is like, dogg, what are we doing out here? Carl is like, we’re kids and that’s what we do. You’ll know when you’re surrounded by walkers. You already got away with one when y’all were chillin’ in that tree. Stop wandering around in the woods. You can read comics in the house. Y’all gon’ learn, dammit.

-They hear a noise and see that it is Spencer and Michonne, and Enid is like, man, fuck this, I’m out, and Carl is like, okay. I’ll give him a pass because he is still a kid and just got his eye taken, but come on, Carl. You know she’s right. But they see a walker as they’re walking away and Carl pushes it down, but he won’t let Enid kill it, and you realize from the looks on their faces that they recognize it. You should know who it is.

-Meanwhile, Rick and Daryl are on foot and they eventually catch up to Paul and the truck, holding him at gunpoint and tying him up. They did leave the knots loose enough so he could escape, and here, I have a couple questions. Why not just kill him and take the keys? Why leave the ropes loosened? Because guess what, they’re driving away and realize that he is on top of the truck. HOW IN THE NAME OF REG AND PETE DID HE GET ON TOP OF THE TRUCK? You mean to tell me he got free that fast and climbed on top? Did he chase down the truck because he’s a really fast runner? This show is great. The Walking Dead‘s foundation is built on people making terrible decisions. Wouldn’t be shit without it.

-Anyway, they chase him down with Daryl and Paul (also named Jesus because that’s what his friends called him) fighting in the truck, which ends up in a lake. They got out before that, and Paul also saved Daryl by shooting a walker, which leads Rick to want to bring him back to Alexandria. Sure, Rick. Why the hell not?

-Michonne and Spencer see Carl leaving a walker behind, and the walker stumbles towards them…..it’s Zombie Deanna! Spencer was out here because he thought he saw her before, and he wanted to get up the courage to kill her so he could bury her. This goes into the end of the episode, when Michonne tells Carl that he should have killed Zombie Deanna, and he thought it should have been someone in her family. He’s not entirely wrong. Now stop walking around in the fuckin’ woods.

-Daryl and Rick bring Paul to the infirmary so he can be taken care of by Denise, the world’s best nurse now. Then they take him to the basement, leaving him some water and a note, which we can’t read.

-Rick then meets Michonne at the house, where he gives her mints and both of them say that they’ve had a day. Anyway, they end up holding hands and they kiss, which we’ve all seen coming for a minute now, but Rick end up up with Jessie, who is now probably a walker somewhere. It seemed kinda awkward. My big fear is now that Michonne is gon’ die. Rick’s women don’t have a good track record.

-Then there was the post-credit scene, which I didn’t see. But I guess Paul was in the basement in Rick’s house? Really, bruh? The house where your kids are at? There aren’t other houses? And where is Daryl? WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL PEOPLE? FUCK.

“The Next World” was alright, not the best episode of The Walking Dead, but not the worst. We needed to catch our breath after “No Way Out”. They skipped over a few things, but it is what it is. Seems like Rick just got over Jessie and Michonne is the rebound? He better not get her killed. We’ll see next week what the deal is with Jesus, and what kinda trap he set for them. Because he is involved in a trap, possibly with Negan (comic readers, don’t tell me and be that person, I’m not having the spoiler conversation again). I look forward to many more terrible decisions from The Walking Dead.

The Walking Dead S06E07 – Heads Up

The Walking Dead is almost at the midseason point as “Heads Up” answered a few questions about some things that happened earlier this season. Not only was that a big ol’ crock of horseshit, but I found a couple more things to hate about this show. Will I continue watching? Obviously. But I’ma be mad about it. Let’s go…..

-So, the shit opens going back to “Thank You“, aka the Glenn episode and we pick up with walkers buffeting their way all over Nicholas. I’m not describing it, y’all watched what happened. So, here are my issues with this fuckery:

a) Walkers are just grabbing at Nicholas, but you mean to tell me that they don’t grab on to Glenn? Not a fingernail? Not a scratch? Nothing? Like they can’t tell that another warm body is right underneath the one they’re eating? WORD?

b) So fine, he gets away from that. He manages to slide under the dumpster and walkers are tryna get at him? Not one walker can touch him? They’re grabbing at his hair and all that shit. NOT ONE WALKER CAN TOUCH HIM? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

c) Fine, he stays under the dumpster for an entire night. Where did these walkers go? They decided they needed to be somewhere else? They’re like, well, can’t reach him, guess I’ll just give up and try something else? NAH. Their whole mission is to eat and when there is something right there, they’re not leaving until they get it. But this is what we’re doing now? Zombies giving up on food that is right there in front of their fucking faces? COOL.

d) How long was Glenn underneath the dumpster? Wiki says days, but we see one scene where it has gone to nighttime, so are we supposed to believe that he was under there for days? If you’re gon’ try and pull some fuck shit like this, for the love of God, make it believable.

-Yeah, I said “believable” in a show about zombies. Be mad about it.

-Look, I love me some Glenn. Little Pizza Boy is one of my favorite characters. But him coming back is the biggest bunch of bullshit that The Walking Dead has tried to feed us, and they’ve served up some shit sammiches in its day. People love characters to come back…..nah, bruh. Just die already and move on with the fucking story. And also, I could have spent another 500 words on this section, just so you know.

-So then, he manages to get from under the dumpster that he has been under for either 12 hours or 12 weeks, who the fuck knows….and there is Enid with a bottle of water. Just happens to be on top of a building with water like someone standing on the sidelines at a marathon. Sure. Fine. And not only that, she throws the bottle in a puddle of blood and entrails. Jesus. Anyway, he chases her, she tells him Alexandria was attacked, but still runs away and Glenn, of course, has to chase her. Holy shit. I’m getting a headache watching this again.

-Back at Alexandria, Rick is checking out the walls and he tells Morgan he needs to talk to him about some shit later, and again he sees some blood trickling from the other side of the wall. He sees Maggie at the lookout post, where she is looking for a signal from Glenn, and I kinda feel bad for her; the only person on this show that I do feel bad for, but only for a minute. I’ll never let the shit with Beth go, speaking of shit sammiches. I’ve tried, but fuck it.

-Glenn finds David, the guy with Michonne that didn’t make it over the fence, and he turned, so Glenn stabs him in the head. But he finds the note that David wrote to his wife, the one that Michonne said he didn’t need because he would see her again, but that shit ain’t work out.

-Father Bitchass puts up a note saying there would be a prayer circle and Rick ripped that shit down with the quickness. I didn’t even notice because I was still mad from the Glenn shit. I missed a lot of shit this episode on the first go being mad at the Glenn shit. Anyway, he and Carl are taking Ron out to teach him how to shoot. Oh my, how mad y’all are gon’ be when Ron does some fuck shit like, I don’t know, shoots Carl. They set this shit up like, two episodes ago. Ron has “fuckboy” written all over his face.

-Morgan goes to Denise, but doesn’t tell her what he wants, and Rick is like, aye, come here for a second, bruh. Rick, Michonne and Carol question him about the Wolves and Morgan not killing them. Morgan throws out some “all life is precious” bullshit that he said to Daryl in “Conquer“, and that’s fine. He says that anyone can change and I get where he is coming from as we saw in “Here’s Not Here“, but come on, dogg. The dude you have caged up has been bitten….this is the one you want to save? It’s gon’ suck when he kills Morgan or worse, someone else.

-There is a sweet camera shot of the truck that rammed into the tower outside of the Alexandria walls when the Wolves showed up, and it pans over that to get to a shot of all the walkers lining up at said wall. Knowing what we know by the end of the episode, that’s pretty good….so there is one good thing that happened. Michonne and Rick are tryna come up with a plan to get the walkers away, and Michonne wants to use the Alexandria people, but Rick is like, nah, they’re stupid. Michonne tries to talk him out of it, but dammit, he’s right. That being said, I’m not sure they really have a choice. Then Deanna runs up, all happy, talkin’ about plans for expansion and Rick is like, yeah, how about we just get through this shit first? Good for her, though. At least she seems to have her wits about her again.

-Rosita is teaching the Alexandrians how to use a machete, but it’s Eugene that is the most scared out of everyone, which blows my mine. Rosita, too, because she says that being scared of dying isn’t what should scare him, it is watching your friends die after you were too scared to save him, which I think already happened with Eugene. For all the shit that he has seen and caused, Eugene still being a bitch? Why haven’t we thrown him to the walkers again? Dude ain’t even a real scientist.

-Enid is in a restaurant, but Glenn being Glenn, catches up to her and tells her he is taking her back to Alexandria. He says that Maggie wouldn’t leave her behind, but listen, Enid’s being a little snot. She doesn’t wanna come, she doesn’t wanna come, let her fend for herself and see how far that gets her. Then she has the nerve to pull a gun on Glenn? He’s like, if you don’t get that shit outta my fuckin’ face. Walks up on her and grabs that shit. She is another one that needs to go. I can’t even do a “Who Do I Want To Die” Power Rankings because the list would be too long. Let’s just say I want everyone to die but Carol and maybe, Maggie. Everyone else? Bye.

-Another week, another reminder to sit down and watch that Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462 joint. Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm, they know that dude got bit now. It’s about to be on and poppin’. That Asian lady be knowin’.

-Anyway, Glenn grabs the gun and tells Enid to bring her little ass on, while Rick is back playing carpenter at Alexandria. Tobin asks to help him, but really, the point of this scene is for him to tell Rick not to give up on the Alexandrians. He admits that they weren’t built for this, and it’s taking a while for them to wrap their heads around it, but they’ll catch on. Tobin looks like he says the N-word a lot. I don’t trust him.

-Enid kills a walker that has been cut in half, and Glenn looks at her, and she says some slick shit like, wouldn’t your wife have wanted me to kill it? Man, feed her ass to a herd or something. I’m tired of her mouth. They find some balloons, which she says will distract the walkers, and Glenn tries to say something to her, and she says something smart again. If she survives this season, I’ll be blue mad.

-Ron manages to distract Olivia so he can steal some bullets and move his fuckboy plan forward. Good job, Olivia, good effort.

-I forgot about The War For The Planet Of The Apes. That joint’s gon’ be good.

-Glenn and Enid finally get to Alexandria, where they see that it’s a zombie party outside the walls. Enid says some shit about tryna let the world die and of course, Glenn is all noble and says that’s some bullshit. Again, if she wants to go, let her go. I’d be the worst person to be in the zombie apocalypse with. You wanna go off on your own? Aight, cool.

-Rick and Tobin see Spencer tryna climb out of Alexandria with a rope that he has attached to the tower, and of course, that shit breaks and he almost gets caught by walkers. I don’t even know how he got away from them. Oh right, Tara climbs outside of the wall herself to shoot whatever walkers she can, long enough for Morgan to jump in and help Rick and Tobin pull Spencer to safety, while Michonne helps Tara back in. Rick loses it, yelling at Tara for putting her life on the line for one of the Alexandrians, which is kinda weird of him to say like, in front of them and Tara gives him the finger, which was pretty fuckin’ good. Then he yells at Spencer, whose plan was to get to a car so he could lead the walkers away, but come on, he ain’t pullin’ that shit off. Spencer even says to rick that if he had came to him with the plan, Rick wouldn’t have allowed it. And why should he? Maybe if someone else did it.

-Morgan goes to Denise and comes clean: he needs antibiotics if there are some to spare. So Morgan wants to use what medicine they have on a Wolf that has been bitten? Cool. But Carol is on the porch with Judith and when she sees Morgan and Denise walking down the street, she transforms into Killa Carol, walking down the middle of the street with Judith in tow. She goes to Jessie and is like, aye, take Judith for me for a minute, while Sam asks Carol if the Wolves were monsters. She actually asks her if you kill one of them, do you turn into a monster and Carol says something like, killing is the only way from becoming a monster. The writing leaves a lot to be desired, but basically, she’s saying kill or be killed, which is why I fucks with Carol. Anyway, she unlocks the door to Morgan’s spot and demands to know who he has in there.

-Cut to a scene of Carl walking down the street, and Ron rollin’ up behind him with a gun. Before I wrote it earlier, I knew this was happening. Go back to the joint where Ron first asked Rick to teach him to shoot. Using his mom’s vagina to get into Rick’s good graces. What a fuckboy.

-Michonne is looking at Deanna’s blueprints, while Rick is noisily hammering with Tobin, and he apologizes to Tara for yelling at her. Deanna thanks him for saving Spencer (she already thanked Tara), and asks why he did it. Rick says it is because he was her son, and she responds with “wrong answer”. Did you want the truth or not? To be fair, Rick would have really tried to save anyone that tried to do that dumb shit that Spencer pulled. That’s how Rick is wired.

-Everyone sees the balloons, including Maggie, who starts getting psyched. But then the watchtower, which we saw earlier, starts to creek and tumble over in the slowest of motions. It crashes into the wall and that can only mean one thing: the walkers are coming.

From start to finish, this was one of the most annoying and frustrating episodes in the history of The Walking Dead, mainly because of the stuff with Glenn, which I’m never gon’ like and that’s fine; I get that a lot of people do like it, I just think it’s fucking stupid. But it is what it is and I’ll be watching next week because the walkers are through the walls and the Alexandrians still aren’t ready to deal with this. That means we probably won’t get any resolution to the Carl/Ron thing, although Carl could just turn around, grab Ron’s gun and smack him like, we’ll deal with this later. The Morgan/Carol thing will have to wait, and we’re still waiting for Glenn, Daryl, Abe and Sasha to get back. I assume it’ll be 90 minutes, but I’m not looking too far ahead because, well, spoilers and y’all know how I am with that shit.

Anyway, I hate you, The Walking Dead, and you’re fucking infuriating. And I’ll be here next week.