Tag Archives: Coven

American Horror Story: Coven S03E11 – Protect The Coven

I kind of figured from the title of American Horror Story: Coven‘s latest episode, “Protect The Coven”, that shit was going to get a little real. Knowing these characters, it likely isn’t going to go smoothly either. But I don’t think any of us were prepared for that. Straight into it, let’s goooooooooooooooooooo…

-We start off in 1830 New Orleans and we see where Madame L gets her taste for blood by chopping the head off a chicken. Her daughter was being awful lippy, basically daring her to do it. Then she moves on to an injured slave, and essentially bleeds him out. So now, I’m wondering if she is interested at all in biology, or if she is just fucking nuts. Right now, I am leaning towards the latter.

-Next, we have Nan’s “funeral” (and those quotes are because I think she’ll be back), and a lot goes on here. Fiona tells the girls Nan slipped in the tub and you get the feeling no one believes that. Delia wants Misty to come back, but Madison says she is probably en route back to the Everglades, and no one should believe that at all. Queenie rolls up on the scene with a leashed Madame L, who spits on Marie and gets slapped for it. Queenie put Madame L’s head on her body, and how in the hell did she come back from a bullet in the mouth? We’ll get to that.

-Hank’s father figures out that it was the witches that caused the FBI to run up in his spot, and wants to set up a meeting to negotiate, presumably a truce. Yeah. That’ll end well for everyone.

-Madame L starts telling us her life story, how she was born to rich people in New Orleans. Now, she is doing Fiona’s nails and freshening up Marie’s drink, wandering in on Zoe, FrankenKyle and Madison sleeping after what I can only assume is the world’s creepiest threesome, and then pointing out to Madison didn’t, um, flush. That’s just gross. Madison gives -74 fucks about anything, but not flushing your shit? What is wrong with this girl?

-So because of Madison, now everyone is sitting down to shit pudding. They all seem to love it, though. Myrtle was partyin’ off that joint. She continues through the house, Marie is going on about “finishing what she started”, and I’m not sure if she is talking about Madame L or the baby she stole last episode, but I’m sure it is sinister. Fiona gives her vajeene a spray before heading out to see the Axeman. I laughed. Don’t care. That shit was good. That seems like something Jessica Lange would just ad-lib.

-Line of the episode: “In the fall, the rotten leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate” – Myrtle….how in the hell do you come up with that?

-But an man walks into the house after hurting himself tending to their leaves, and his hand is bloody. Madame L sees that and you know where the hell this is going. He ends up being tied up in Spalding’s old room and we hear Madame L say that she had a curiousity about how “her niggers ticked”. So I guess to answer my early question, she is both: an insane biologist. Anyway, after telling ol’ boy her story, she cuts his toes off.

-Zoe figures out that it was Marie and Fiona that killed Nan, but she continues to be useless. Madison throws some headphones on FrankenKyle so she can talk to Zoe, and then tries to give Kyle a beej, but he throws her away and goes to Zoe. Ummmmm, so this mufucka is saying full sentences now? When did that happen? Son could barely say “hi” last time we saw him. Stupid. Anyway, Madison throws out a whole bunch of threats for when she is the Supreme and while she is probably the best equipped for the job, she can’t stop being a bitch long enough to see the big picture. She is a wicked bitch, though.

-The Axeman back! He wants to take Fiona away from all this, but first he wants to kill whoever the next Supreme is. She has other ideas, though.

-Spalding shows up as Madame L is completing the gutting of her experiment. He is bitter that Fiona teamed up with Marie, the sworn enemy of the coven, and tries to concoct his own plan to concoct the coven.

-Delia tries to have a heart-to-heart with Queenie, in which she learns that Queenie spit up the silver bullet that Hank shot her with. Queenie is like, “y’all have fun with all this, I’m fuckin’ out” and packs up her shit to leave. Which is how I feel most black people would be in her position, kinda like the whole ghosts-in-houses thing.

-And then, we get, for my money, the most fucked-up thing we have ever seen in American Horror Story: Delia stabs herself in the eyes with a pair of scissors. Like, one eye, and then the other. While screaming. Shit was blood-curdling. Delia is the only half-decent character in Coven, and she is just getting worked. Meanwhile, Fiona races home to find out what happened, but after Myrtle chastises her, she just wants a drink. Mother of the friggin’ year.

-Actually, after speaking with Holly, the mom-masterbating was probably more disturbing. But this is going in the top five. I actually tweeted that it was the most fucked up thing we have seen in AHS and someone else was like, “this is what we say 5 times each week”. He isn’t wrong. Shoutout to the homie Dexter Goad (@ShadowDogProd).

-Madame L comes back to Spalding with a priceless doll….and some Benadryl. Right. Benadryl will kill Marie. This was slightly eye-roll inducing. But hey, he got his doll.

-Myrtle and Zoe meet in the greenhouse, and Myrtle continues to play that damn instrument. She is a fuckin’ mess, and I appreciate that. She tells Zoe to leave the coven with Kyle and go to Epcot. Frances Conroy has been stylin’ off the Myrtle part this season.

-Fiona and Marie meet with the Corporation and lets them know that they are immortal, so no sense in pulling guns. Then Fiona orders drinks and we notice that we don’t see the waiter’s face. Marie throws out a “Listen, you white devil….”, which I kinda partied off for a minute. Hank’s father wants them to restore the company, and he wants a 100-year truce. Fiona wants a house and Marie wants a private jet. The fellas at the Corporation laugh, but they aren’t laughing when the waiter/Axeman gets to choppin’. I don’t know what the black right-hand-man was doing. Did he really run at the Axeman with a butter knife? The fuck?

-Hank’s father sits down with a cup of tea before he gets an axe in his neck, courtesy of Fiona, if you didn’t know she was about that life in the first place. Marie takes a picture and that shit likely ended up on Instagram.

-Marie and Fiona are celebrating, then Fiona leaves to “reward” the Axeman, and Madame L sets into motion, her brilliant plan: drug Marie with Benadryl. Guess what doesn’t work? So Madame L doubles down and stabs Marie in the chest. Again, guess what doesn’t work? SHE IS FUCKING IMMORTAL! But then Spalding hits Marie in the head as she starts to chase Madame L, and tells her to bury Marie before he goes up to the attic to play dress-up. Then we see he has the baby in his possession and I absolutely don’t like where the fuck this is going. Is he going to kill the baby? Is he going to diddle it? I am honestly afraid of where American Horror Story is going to go with this.

-Kyle starts catching feelings, and I give -943 fucks about him, his life and Zoe. At all. AND HOW IN THE FUCK IS HE TALKING NOW? Fuck him and this storyline. The show ends with them getting on a bus going to Epcot. He died on a bus. That’ll come back ’round.

For me, this was the best episode of the season for Coven, outside of Zoe and Kyle, who I am sure will play a huge role in the end, so I have to try and care. But what about Misty? Will Fiona and the Axeman make it to their farm life? What are Madame L and Spalding going to do with Marie? Will Madison ever stop being a bitch? Lots of questions for the final two episodes of American Horror Story: Coven.

American Horror Story: Coven S03E09 – Head

It is usually around this point in the season that American Horror Story starts to get a little screwy, throwing importance on storylines that aren’t interesting, or being strange just for the sake of being strange. The ninth episode of Coven, entitled “Head” (hey, I struggle with titles too, so I can respect the laziness of this), definitely wasn’t the best of the season, and maybe this is a good point for them to take a break until after Christmas. Let’s go………

-We start off in a forest and you just had to know nothing good was going to come of this. We figure out quickly that it is Hank, Delia’s witch-hunting husband getting his start with his dad, and we learn the family has been hunting for generations. But Hank freezes when he actually sees a witch, who begs him not to shoot her, then shoots out fire to take him out. His father pushes him out of the way and shoots the witch, but gets burned in the process. What do we learn? Hank really ain’t ’bout that life.

-Fiona heads (sorry, that was totally unintended) over to Marie’s salon with the head of Madame L in a box, the same one that Marie sent to the coven at the end of the last episode. Fiona tries to be friends and get the two sides to come together. Marie ain’t feelin’ it in the slightest and kicks her out, and then tells Queenie to burn the head, which she doesn’t. This whole “head” thing is kinda hokey. She just spits out corny one-liners and the body trying to slap away a fly was goofy. Kathy Bates is probably looking at the script like, “shit, well, I’m gettin’ a cheque”.

-Hank meets with his father, who is now the CEO of a major financial institution, but still in the witch-hunting game. He chastises Hank for being sloppy with killing the redhead in the hotel, and now he is starting to catch feelings for Delia (well, not start, you should assume that he has had them for a while, he did marry her and all). That’s why he didn’t get the #2 role under his dad and that has to burn Hank, but shit, his dad was right. Can’t have someone that sloppy and emotional in a position of power. But we did learn that they were behind Delia’s blinding, which wasn’t all that surprising.

-Myrtle gets revenge for her stake burning by poisoning her former colleagues on the Council, and well, since Delia needs some new eyes, she has to get them from somewhere, right? She scooped them shits out with a spoon, bruh….A SPOON. This was probably my favorite part in a very meh-filled episode. Myrtle might be a darkhorse coming down the stretch in Coven. She has been on fire since Misty resurrected her, she seems to be more powerful now and you know she still wants Fiona’s head on a platter. The two started arguing when Fiona entered the room, but Delia tried to squash that with the quickness because they have bigger issues to deal with, like silver bullets and such. Keep an eye out (again, completely unintentional) for Myrtle.

-Here is where I started to zone out. Madison and Zoe go to see Nan, who is holding a vigil at the hospital for the neighbor boy she is in love with or whatever that is. Nan tells his mom, who still isn’t a fan of them, about a song she used to sing to him, which he told Nan through her mind-reading powers. Now, I just learned that the actress who plays the mom was the actress who won a Tony for Evita and is pretty big in musicals. Ryan Murphy, the creator of American Horror Story, also does Glee. So, you see the connections here….and I don’t give a damn about this storyline. None of it. And no one is going to question the mom being brought back to life last week? She’s just chillin’ in the hospital like everything is sweet. Anyway….moving on.

-Instead of burning Madame L’s head, Queenie decides to torture her by making her watch Roots, and this is up there with my favorite moments of the episode because, well, I’ve watched Roots. I respect Roots and its place. But watching that for eight hours straight would drive you crazy. I’ve only seen it the once, and I’m good. Anyway, she also planned on making her watch Roots: The Next Generation, Mandingo, The Color Purple and BAPS, which I forgot about and am going to watch soon, because Halle Berry. It just all seemed a little too buddy-cop like, though, and that is the way they have handled the Queenie-Madame L thing all season. But the rub is, where usually the bad cop would learn something, Madame L ain’t learning shit and keeps throwing around “negress”. She is committed to her ‘cism, I’ll give her that.

-Hank goes to see Delia after Marie put him through all types of voodoo pain and said that she wanted the witches gone that night or else, but Delia (with Misty in tow) isn’t having any of it and tell him his shit is packed and ready to go. You can tell that Hank really does love Delia, but there is no room for that shit in this life.

-Fiona and Hank talk briefly, but that gets thrown to the side as she (well, their new guard dog, actually) discovers Kyle in a room. Now, Kyle killed the dog, apparently, and I must have missed that part, but it isn’t that important. The most important thing is that Fiona brought him along enough to put together sentences and play cards. She looked at the girls like, “y’all young girls don’t know shit about this here”. It was good. He is now their guard dog. Which means he’ll likely die.

-Nan and the mom are all friends and shit, until Nan brings up some old stuff, via the son, about how his father died. He was cheating, she wasn’t having it and released a bunch of bees in his car as he was allergic. So the Nan-mom singalong came to a halt. He wakes up, and the mom smothers her son with a pillow. Another great moment for motherhood on American Horror Story.

-Hank shows up at Marie’s salon with a shotgun with a silencer on it (where in the fuck did he get that?) and is out for blood. He shoots a couple people, including Queenie, and he hunts down Marie, but Queenie takes one for the team and shoots herself in the mouth, killing Hank as well. But I’m assuming she’ll be back, because EVERYONE comes back on this show one way or another. This was done really well as she was showing Madame L footage of the Civil Rights movement, and playing “Oh Freedom” while all this was going on was, um, it was an interesting choice, but it worked for me.

-The show ends with Marie showing up at the coven like, “so, about that thing you were talking about, the joining forces and such” and Fiona is like, “mmmmmmhmmmm”. More scenes between Bassett and Lange. I fucks with this.

There were great moments in this episode, but a few poor moments as well. Coven is off until January 8th, which is smart because people will be running around doing Christmas stuff, so we have about a month to wait, although FX will be running marathons of the first two seasons over the holidays, so get up on that. Hopefully, the last four episodes of Coven will pick things back up.

American Horror Story: Coven S03E08 – The Sacred Taking

American Horror Story: Coven emerges from the American Thanksgiving holiday with a bang, and it seems like they were gone for much longer than a week. “The Sacred Taking” starts strong and even though it could probably do without one of the storylines, ends just as well. Let’s go……

-We start with Queenie walking around in a bummy part of town and of course, some crazy guy steps to her, which of course, isn’t going to work out for him. Zoe and Madison run up on her and try to persuade her to come back to the coven, but Queenie isn’t buying it at all, and instead pulls out the heart of the man who was going to attack her because Marie needed it for a spell. Turns out he was a rapist anyway, so he wasn’t needed. But she said the war was on, and the coven was going to lose. It is now officially on and poppin’.

-Life isn’t letting Fiona cook at all. The cancer is winning, making her all googly-eyed for the Axeman, who is just chillin’ in his briefs like everything is cool and he tells her that he’ll be there until she dies. Pretty noble coming from a guy that kills people just because they don’t like jazz. And Fiona is also worried about which witch is taking her powers en route to being the next Supreme. You would think the Supreme would have the power to figure that out, but she already whiffed on Madison, so fuck knows who it is now.

-Meanwhile, the coven is plotting on Fiona’s downfall when they’re joined by Misty (hey boo), who was forced out of her swamp house by someone with a gun, which I’m assuming was Delia’s husband, the Witch Hunter. But Misty brought a friend: Myrtle is back and she looks as creepy as ever. She looked creepy in life, creepy in death and creepier in resurrection. Myrtle thinks Misty is the Supreme, so that is thrown into the mix. 

-Cut to Zoe and Kyle, and I automatically sighed because I hate this storyline and these characters. But damn, I can’t even front…that look on Kyle’s face when Zoe put the headphones on his head was GOOD. He had that “EUREKA!” look on his face, dogg. I also kinda like how he just wants to bang everything that is put in front of him. Maybe I don’t hate this as much as I thought. Gimme another couple scenes, though.

-The religious mother from next door is trying to nurse her son back to health after his last appearance, on Halloween against Marie’s zombie army. It also involves an enema. Being a good mother is not a prerequisite on Coven this season. Fiona was awful, Madame L was worse, Kyle’s mom was tryna give him a handjob….mothers aren’t getting good reviews in these AHS streets.

-The name of the episode comes from the next scene as the Sacred Taking is when the current Supreme takes her own life and gives her power to the next one. Delia thinks this will work, and Madison gives her a solid sideeye. We don’t even know who the next one is, so how does this work? But we got the best line of the episode, and quite possibly of the entire season. Nan was like, “why can’t I be the next one?”, and Madison replied with, “You have no style and your pits smell like fishsticks”. When I tell you that myself and my AHS partners in crime, Lindsay and Jody, were PARTYIN’ off that, my goodness….I was sweating. Those Madison bars are etherous. Either way, Delia was like, this is how it’s going down.

-Fiona comes out of her bathroom from a cancer-induced puking session to see Madison, who she thinks is dead, and Madison does her best to persuade Fiona to take a bunch of pills, or be burned at the stake as she did to Myrtle, who joins the party. Myrtle guides Fiona through a flashback of her getting sicker and dying, lonely as even the Axeman left her (you know you done fucked up when a bloody axe murderer ain’t fuckin’ with you anymore). So, it’s on to the pills for Fiona, but let’s be real, she loves pills. Myrtle also got her steal on, taking some jewelry for the road. That’s ratchet as shit and I appreciate that.

-But Spalding comes back from the dead, because everyone comes back from the dead on Coven, and his truth-telling ass tells Fiona that she has been tricked into committing suicide. Or maybe he was a ghost. I’m not sure what is going on here, but either way, he’s back and gets Fiona back on the go with some sort of potion that makes her throw up the pills. It must be Suicide Prevention Week at FX; this happened on Sons Of Anarchy as well.

(EDIT: I was just notified that Spalding was a ghost and in fact, not brought back from the dead. I was kinda drunk when I watched this and must have missed it the second time. These things happen.)

-Queenie is tryna be friends, giving Madame L a burger in her cage until Marie (HEY BOO) rolls up and sends her off. Madame L doesn’t even care about Marie’s threats because she knows she can’t die, but Marie isn’t hearing it and cuts off her hand. Every time you try to feel a little sympathy for Madame L, you remember that she is a raging racist and she wanted to go back into the ground because there was a “darkie in the White House”.

-Nan reads the thoughts of the neighbor’s son and goes over to the house, but his mother is on the phone with the police. But she took a few gunshots to the chest courtesy of the witch hunter, who was probably going after Nan and is just a terrible shot.

-Fiona shows up like, “what y’all up to?”, but everyone is more concerned of what is going on next door. She goes over and meets Misty, who brings back Neighbor Mom to prove to Fiona that she can do it. Delia finds a silver bullet, which points to her witch-hunting husband, so now we know that witches can be killed by silver bullets…well, anyone can, but especially witches.

-Zoe and Kyle have this touching “I love you” moment and I go back to hating them. Madison is sad as shit over in a corner and you know she won’t take that lying down.

-Fiona and Delia are chatting in the kitchen, Fiona says she is proud of her daughter, who replies that she would have tried to kill her mother long ago if that’s what it took to get her love. They put their beef to the side because they have to deal with the witch hunter, and anyway, Delia is blind as shit and Fiona has cancer, so neither is really at full strength. The doorbell rings and there is a box on the step. Yep, Madame L’s head is in there and the eyes blink.

Next week’s episode is called “Head” before Coven takes a break until January. I’m pretty sure we can all guess what that will be about. Shit is still shaping up to be the best season of American Horror Story yet.