Tag Archives: Danaerys Targaryen

Game Of Thrones S07E05 – Eastwatch

After four episodes of battles and fighting, Game Of Thrones scaled it back a little with “Eastwatch”, but by no means at all was it a slow episode. It needed to reset the board a little after the chaos of the first part of the season, and sets things up for what should be a wild two episodes. Let’s go…..

-Let’s start at the Reach, where Jaime somehow managed to not die thanks to Bronn, who was only here for his gold, which means Jaime can’t die yet, unless Bronn kills him. We’ll overlook the fact that not only should Jaime have died because of his armor, or even Drogon, but his gold hand gotta be heavy. But you overlook a lot of shit in Game Of Thrones because dragons and white walkers and all that good shit. Anyway, Jaime and Bronn both realize that they’re fucked if Dany brings out all three dragons since the scorpion gun absolutely didn’t work. It’s all good when it works on dragons that have been dead for however long…..them shits didn’t move around and breathe fire at you as you’re shooting.

-Let’s go quickly to King’s Landing, where Jaime has to tell Cersei that this shit ain’t work. He’s like, man, that’s a big-ass dragon, and she has two more, and those Dothraki mufuckas are the opposite of what a joke is. Cersei doesn’t care, tho, because she will be petty until the very end, no matter how many innocents die in the midst of it. Jaime then tells her that Lady O told him that she was the one who killed Joffrey, not Tyrion, and Cersei doesn’t believe until Jaime points out that it would have been easier for Margaery to control Tommen over Joffrey, which gave Lady O power. Then Cersei is mad that Lady O didn’t feel any pain for what she did and Jaime is like, we AIN’T got time for that shit right now, fuck are we gon’ do about these dragons and Dothraki? Again, Cersei’s pettiness will be the downfall of her. She’s such a jerk and it freaks me out how much I really love this character. Shouts to Lena Headey. She’s marvelous.

-We’ll get back to King’s Landing in a minute, but we’ll head back to the Reach for a second as Tyrion is looking at all of the dead Lannisters and Tarlys, burned to ashes by Drogon and slaughtered by the Dothraki. Everyone who survived is brought to Dany, who again, is on this “bend the knee” shit, even though she tries to assure them that she isn’t like her father despite what Cersei has been telling them. I dunno how easy it is to believe her when they’ve just seen their boys get flamed the fuck up, but hey, you do you. Most of the soldiers do bend the knee, except for Randyll and Dickon Tarly, and a few others. Dany calls them forward and Tyrion suggests sending them to the Wall, but Randyll calls Tyrion a traitor for even rolling with Dany, and at least Cersei is true Westerosi, which is some ‘cism, but again, it’s whatever. Plus, Randyll says she can’t send him to the Wall because she isn’t his Queen and Dany is like, oh word?  The Dothraki bring Randyll and Dickon (who goes against his father’s word) forth and they lovingly hold hands as Drogon melts them within seconds. Dany should have went down and thrown the ashes in the air like LeBron does with chalk before games. Anyway, that shit is over. Should have just bent the mufuckin’ knee, bruh. And Tyrion is still over here lookin’ all down about shit. But he won’t do anything stupid. I’ll tell you why in a second.

-On to Dragonstone, where Jon is walking around, being all brooding and shit because that’s what he does. Dany rides in on Drogon, who swoops down to Jon and roars in his face. Jon does a decent job of hiding the feces in his pants, I think, and manages to not only stay in front of Drogon, but he pets him and Dany is like, WHO IN THE FUCK IS THIS? Jon then says to Dany that the dragons are beautiful beasts, and Dany is like, mufucka, these are my kids, nobody talks about my bad-ass children but me, and Jon is like, bet, where’d you go tho? Dany says something about Hennessey and enemies and walks off.

-SO……we have Dany, the mother of dragons and all kinds of other shit, she rides the dragons. Jon manages to pet Drogon and not get flamed. Tyrion, back in Season 6, managed to not only get up close to the other two dragons, Viserion and Rhaegal, but he unshackles them and says he wanted a dragon of his own. Y’all aware of the dragon-riders theory? Google it. There are three dragons, and we have three people, all of which likely have Targaryen blood. Why do you think Tywin hated Tyrion so much? That ain’t his son. He was mad as shit having to spend his money and time taking care of a dwarf. There you have it. Cersei might pee a little if she sees Tyrion flying into King’s Landing on a dragon. Not in fear, just because what the fuck?

-Back to Dragonstone, where Dany asks Jon about the whole “knife to the heart” thing and Jon is like, oh, that Davos….what a guy. But they’re interrupted by Lord Friendzone himself, Jorah, who is back, lacking the greyscale, and he’s ready to serve his Queen. Dany is like, awww, my friend…..this is Jon Snow, who tells Jorah that he served under his pops in the Night’s Watch. All Jorah is thinking is, goddammit, another good-looking young dude I gotta try and leapfrog? She gave him a hug and I wonder how much he wanted to try and go in for that kiss?

-Tyrion and Varys are talking about Randyll and Dickon, and Varys tells Tyrion that he tried to distance himself from the Mad King when he killed Rickard Stark (Ned’s father) and Brandon Stark (Ned’s brother). Tyrion is still talkin’ this, she’s not her father, shit. Varys is like, fine, whatever, but she does have a proclivity to burn a mufucka or 8,000, so you need to tame that. They also talk a little about Bran’s raven, which we’ll get to in a bit. Yeah, this shit is all over the place.

-Jon got the raven and tells Dany about Bran’s vision of the white walkers and that he is going home, and he ain’t tellin’ her again. Tyrion says that they should go and get a wight to prove to everyone that this shit is the real threat and Varys says that Cersei won’t believe it…..Tyrion says that he can get to Jaime. Varys is out here making puppets dance. Also, what the hell kinda plan is that? Just go get a wight. That’s why Jon needs your army, Dany, Jesus……but he goes, and Jorah goes with him, because there is no lengths that his thirsty ass won’t go to for Dany. Anyway, Tyrion and Davos go to King’s Landing.

-Tyrion meets with Jaime underneath the Red Keep via Bronn, and I wish Bronn had stuck around because he and Tyrion would have had some nice jokes at the expense of Jaime’s hand. But there are more pressing issues, like, Tyrion killing Tywin, Tywin being a lifelong dick to Tyrion, up to and including ordering his execution, and Tyrion telling Jaime that everyone knows Dany is going to win this thing, so let’s talk about peace. Jaime brings that back to Cersei, who knew about it, of course. Jaime brings up the white walkers and that they’re tryna bring her proof, and Cersei seems like she’s down for a truce….for now, but that they’ll destroy anything in their path. Also, for all the shit that happened in this episode, Cersei’s admission that she is pregnant with another incest baby has flown under the radar in regards to all the recaps. Is she lying? The baby probably won’t make it anyway because she won’t make it. She tells Jaime not to betray her again, and the two of them are going to kill each other so good.

-Davos goes to find Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who Davos helped escape Dragonstone a while ago so he wouldn’t die like the rest of his bastards. He is also the last Baratheon, so that has to stand for something. Anyway, he finds him, Gendry brings a war hammer and it’s a good thing. They get ready to leave when they are spotted by two gold cloaks, the Star Trek red shirt mufuckas of this shit. He gives them some story about crabs and impotence, and they buy it until Tyrion shows up and remember, Cersei has a bounty on Tyrion. They go to do something about it, but Gendry smashes their faces in with the hammer. They go on about their business. Good for Gendry. I literally forgot about him until this episode, and didn’t know anything about it until right now, as I’m writing this.

-Head to Winterfell right quick, where Bran has a vision with ravens, which he sends out to find the Army of the Dead. He finds them, being white and STILL walking, and the Night’s King looks at them, and they scatter like shit, which wakes Bran up. He’s like, yo, send out these ravens, b, and the notes likely say something like, AYE, WHITE WALKERS COMING FAST…WELL, NOT FAST, BUT FAST ENOUGH. Meanwhile, Sansa is being told that maybe she should be the leader of Winterfell, and Sansa doesn’t really buy what the lords are talking about. Arya is like, just kill ’em and Sansa is like, the fuck is wrong with you, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN. Arya is about this killin’ life now and I’m here for it. So of course, she decides to stalk Littlefinger, who is up to shenanigans and all-around shady shit, and she sees him meeting with a buncha people. She breaks into his room after he met with Maester Wolkan, who had a copy of a scroll, and she finds out that the scroll is from when Sansa wrote a letter, at the behest of Cersei, to Robb, telling him to bend the knee of Joffrey. Goddamn, you could make a killing in Westeros selling kneepads. Knee bending EVERYWHERE. Now, Arya doesn’t know that this letter was written with Cersei watching, and Sansa was trying to save her father. However, she rushes off in anger and there is Littlefinger in the shadows, smiling. Shouts to @Mariannoo on Twitter who said that “Littlefinger always looks like he just realized there’s an extra nugget in his 10 piece”.

-ALRIGHT, on to Oldtown, where the maesters don’t buy the letter from Bran and Sam is like, yo, he’s not lying about this shit, he was out there in those streets, bruh, where was you? He also says that they should warn the people, but doesn’t throw in that, you know, he killed one himself. They wouldn’t believe him anyway. I think the main archmaester believes him, but he’s a dick anyway. So of course, Sam goes home to Gilly to talk about how much his job sucks, because that’s what you do in relationships. She asks him about this “Ragger” character that got annulled from a marriage, so he could marry another woman. But Sam is too busy listening to hear that “Ragger” is Rhaegar Targaryen, who was married to Elia Martell, but left her for Lyanna Stark, aka Ned’s sister and Jon’s real mother…..which means Jon is actually trueborn Targaryen and the real heir to the throne. Even though Dany is the daughter of the Mad King, Jon has the claim to the throne because, well, men ain’t shit and that’s what kinda what we do. Take shit over and fuck it up. But this show has always been Jon. If you could have put 2+2 = 4 together, or in this case, R+L=J, you’d know that Game Of Thrones has always been about Jon. He is the encapsulation of a song of ice and fire. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is and I’ll still enjoy it. Anyway, I really hope at some point, Sam just shut the fuck up and listened to Gilly. Well, they had a long-ass trip in front of them as Sam stole some books and with Gilly and her son, whatever his name is, they left for, I don’t know, Dragonstone, maybe? Did they even know?

-Whew, alright, back to Dragonstone for a minute as Davos and Tyrion get back with Gendry. They meet up with Jon, who is heading to Eastwatch with Jorah and company to find a wight and bring it back, no sweat. Gendry is like, fuck it, I’ll go too. So, the three of them take a boat from Dragonstone to Eastwatch, so, the Wall. Jon hollers at Tormund and the crew about helping out, and Tormund is like, so you gotta convince the incest queen AND the dragon queen that these things exist? That line was pretty good. Then they meet with The Brotherhood Without Banners, so Beric, Thoros and the Hound, and Gendry is like, naaaaaaaaaaaaaah because apparently, the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre. Which is fair, but they all decide that while they don’t like each other, there are bigger fish to fry. So they walk out past the Wall, lookin’ like a cold-ass Suicide Squad, and I guess they’ll be back with a fuckin’ wight, because why not? They head out into the Land of Always Winter, which sounds and looks unpleasant as fuck.

So, I guess Dany and Cersei are on hold until Jon and ’em come back…….hahahahahaha yeah, right. Cersei might try something stupid, like, chances of that are at least 7/10. I’m very anxious to see what Littlefinger is doing with Sansa and Arya, and how Brienne will fit into this. Also, Varys…..on the low, doing what he always does, intercepting ravens and pulling strings. Euron likely makes an appearance next episode, and I don’t even know if Dany plans on going to Casterly Rock to get Grey Worm and ’em. Missandei might gotta get in her ear about that. I think all that shit gets tied up next week and the finale will be the Suicide Squad against the Army of the Dead.

Next episode, 71 minutes, so this will be even longer next week. And 81 minutes the next week, so yeah…..put your reading glasses on, because shit is about to get so very real on Game Of Thrones.

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Game Of Thrones S07E04 – The Spoils Of War

At 50 minutes, “The Spoils Of War” is the shortest episode of this season of Game Of Thrones. So how in the hell did it seem like EVERYTHING HAPPENED? From start to finish, this was an all-time classic. Let’s go…..

-We’ll start at King’s Landing, where it was pretty quiet this week for a change, Cersei is gettin’ her Scrooge McDuck on after the Fall of Highgarden as gold is being transported from there to her. She tells Tycho that she plans to pay off her debt to the Iron Bank, because you know how Lannisters do with debts and all. But of course, Cersei needs more money to keep the war going, and she wants to recruit the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that we’ve only heard of once, back in Season 4 in a conversation between Davos and Stannis. Apparently, they’re pretty good at fighting. Tycho says that they’ll do it once they get the other money first. Cersei is getting the Golden Company, one way or another, make no bones about that. They better be good. She’s gon’ need ’em.

-On to Winterfell, where Littlefinger tries to suck up to Bran, giving him the Valyrian steel dagger that was meant to kill him back in Season 1. The joint that was the reason that Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion and blamed the hit on him. Anyway, Bran is really not here for any of that shit and hits Littlefinger with the “Chaos is a ladder” line that Littlefinger said to Varys. Oooooooooh, the look on Littlefinger’s face was priceless, how in the fuck did you know about that? It’s rare that you see Littlefinger shook, but “Shook Ones Part 2” started playin’ in the background, shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy. Anyway, Littlefinger leaves to get his mind right, and Meera walks in to say goodbye to Bran, who is like, yeah, whatever, peace, dogg. Meera is like, mufuckas died for you, my brother, Hodor, a whole buncha mufuckas and you can’t even muster a smile? But Bran ain’t Bran anymore. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now. She’ll understand on the long-ass walk back to her family.

-Arya finally gets back to Winterfell, and fuck those guards, b. She names off some names like Maester Luwin and Rodrik, who are both dead, and then she realizes that her sister is in charge. The guards still don’t believe and throw a punch, and they have no idea what in the world they’re getting into. She sneaks away easily and when they finally tell Sansa that they lost her, she knows where Arya is: where their father is buried. They embrace, they have some small talk and Arya tells Sansa about her list because she was mad that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. The list is still going strong. You’d have to think that she and Ed Sheeran will team up to kill Cersei by the time this is over, right? Right. I’d be here for that. Anyway, Sansa takes Arya to Bran, and shouts to his wheelchair. Bran knows about the list because he thought Arya was going to King’s Landing to get Cersei, and Arya’s like, the fuck do you know about that? Sansa’s like, little brother is weird, b. It wasn’t quite the reunion that we had in mind for the Starks, but things done changed. Just wait until Jon gets back. Oh, and Bran gets Arya the dagger, which they deduce that someone rich wanted him dead because Valyrian steel is the top of the top. Sansa says that Littlefinger probably gave it to Bran because he wants something, and she’s probably right because Littlefinger.

-They head to the courtyard, where Brienne, God love, continues to try and train Pod, who is getting better at fighting. But she’s taking compliments now as Pod called her a lady and she’s like, yeah, sure, thanks. They’re still a top-two duo in this show, along with Arya and the Hound. Arya steps up and is like, lemme try and Brienne is like, aight, I’ll take it easy on you….and then she realizes that Arya, in the words of the great midwestern African poet, Rakim, ain’t no joke. She manages to knock Needle out of Arya’s hand, so Arya switches to the dagger, and Brienne is like, fuck this, and kicks Arya square in the chest. It’s all good, though. Brienne asks her where she learned to fight, and Arya says, “no one”. Clever. That whole storyline is the epitome of GOT: it might be annoying to watch right now, but it’ll come in handy. Littlefinger is worried. Sansa is like, what in the hell has Arya been up to?

-Alright, on to the good stuff: Dragonstone. Missandei is worried about Grey Worm and Dany is like, what did y’all do and Missandei was about to yell “DAT MOUF”, but Jon interrupts. He takes Dany to the dragonglass mine, which is filled with dragonglass, obviously, but there is more. There are all sorts of hieroglyphics down there, left by the Children of the Forest, and there are drawings of the First Men as well. Jon says that they have to come together to fight as the Children and the First Men did when they had to battle the White Walkers and the Night King, of which there are drawings. Dany is like, hmmmm, maybe this dude isn’t crazy? Which reminds me, I was talking to a coworker about this and he brought up a great point: why is this so hard to believe for Dany when SHE HAS DRAGONS? DRAGONS, B. The Targaryen arrogance might be her downfall. So they leave, and they’re greeted by Tyrion and Varys, who tell Dany that she has Casterly Rock now, but then there was Highgarden. So now, Dany is without Highgarden, Dorne and the Iron Islands, and it’s all because, high key, Tyrion isn’t that good at military strategy. He never has been. He’s fine when it comes to political maneuvering, but when it comes to armies and shit, not his strong suit. Dany then goes at Tyrion for possibly punking out because the Lannisters are his people, which may or may not be true, I think mostly not true…..but maybe a little? They still have the Unsullied and Dothraki, but Dany can’t feed them all without the Reach (of which the capital is Highgarden) because Cersei also took all of the foods. Dany is like, fuck y’all, I got dragons, and then asks Jon what she should do. He says that if she uses her dragons, she’s no better than the Mad King or anyone else. Dany is like, that’s not what I want to hear.

-Jon and Davos are walking, and Davos is like, yo, what’s good with you and the Dragon Queen, you tryna smash, and Jon is like, there is no time for that now. Oh Jon, if you only knew how much time there isn’t for that right now. Missandei asks why his last name is Snow when his pops was a Stark, and when he explains the idea of a bastard, she still doesn’t get it because in Naath, marriage isn’t a concept. Davos is like, oh word, what are you sayin’, girl…..but let’s take a step back when they say to Missandei that JON’S PARENTS WEREN’T MARRIED. That’s pretty good. I like the fact that GOT ain’t tryna be subtle with it anymore. Fuck it, we all know who the parents are, and we’re gon’ beat you over the head with it. No time for fuckin’ around.

-Theon the Fuckboy rolls up with his people, and Jon is like, the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because you saved Sansa. I don’t think that should spare his life, but whatever. He then asks Dany to help him get his sister back, but Dany is gone and Jon leaves too, so you’re on your own. Idiot. I’ma be so mad when they try to make him a hero.

-At the Reach, Jaime is getting the boys together to send the gold and stuff back to King’s Landing, and he gives Bronn some gold, but Bronn is like, what about this castle, though? I dunno, how about Highgarden? But Jaime tells him that the war ain’t over yet and they’re not doing shit with Highgarden anyway. Randyll Tarly thinks that they should get a move on so that they don’t get caught out there, and they also run into Dickon, Randyll’s son, to ask him what he thought of war, and he’s like, meh, it’s aight. See, the Tarlys betrayed the Tyrells, and Dickon knew many of the men that he had to kill. Welcome to Game Of Thrones, my man. Dickon also didn’t know that men shit themselves when they die. Bronn be teachin’ out here. Easily the MVP of this episode.

-So they’re going, and then they hear the rumble of galloping horses, like, a lot of them. So they rally the troops and get ready for the incoming swarm of Dothraki, and there are WAY too many for them to handle. Bronn tries to get Jaime to go back to King’s Landing, but Jaime wants to fight with his men. Jaime is like, that’s cool, we can fight these men…..but then in swoops Drogon with Dany on his back and they’re like, oh for fuck sakes, these things still actually exist? It’s easy to break through the enemy lines when a giant dragon blazes a path of charred bodies straight through the middle, and the Dothraki get to kickin’ some Lannister ass. A lot of fighting and stuff, but let’s slow down a little. Not the best battle scene in GOT history, it was just cool because there were dragons. It’s still not “Hardhome”, it might not “Battle of the Bastards” and even though you might not remember it, “Blackwater” was also pretty dope. Let’s just say it was very, very good. Jaime’s men try their best, and they even shoot arrows at Drogon, but apparently he has armor on his stomach and how in the hell do you get armor on the stomach of a dragon?

-Jaime hollers at Bronn to go to the, what the GOT Wikia calls a scorpion-bolt launcher, but I’m calling it the big-ass crossbow. Bronn gets to it, cutting off horses’ legs and shit, and one Dothraki chases Bronn, and meets the big-ass crossbow. Then Bronn reloads, somehow by himself even though this shit looks like it needs a buncha people do it, but hey, no time for reality and details and shit right now. He loads up and aims for Drogon, but misses, and Dany is like, oh word? I’ll come to you. They divebomb Bronn, who manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, but then a pissed-off Drogon blazes fire at the big-ass crossbow and just misses Bronn, who tucks and rolls like shit. Drogon goes to the ground and Dany tries to remove the arrow, and Drogon proceeds to light up anyone who is dumb enough to get close to her.

-Tyrion is overlooking the damage and one of the Dothraki is like, man, your people are some bitches, b, y’all can’t fight for shit. But then he spots Jaime, who has Dany in his sight and rides towards her, and basically, it’s a suicide mission. But Drogon spots him in time and well, fire…..but here comes the MVP, LeBronn James as Black Twitter dubbed him, and he saves Jaime by tackling him and they both go in the water, although Jaime appears to be drowning. But he’s not dead. He’ll be a good hostage for Dany going forward. He’s used to that shit anyway.

There wasn’t a single wasted moment on Sunday. Even the stuff at King’s Landing, not a battle, but still really important because Cersei’s gon’ need more people now. Can she afford them now that her gold is likely up in flames? Who’s gon’ be the brave soul that tries to take a big-ass arrow out of Drogon’s shoulder? Does Dany have a First Aid certificate? Are there any lifeguards in the house to save Jaime? Can someone PLEASE get Jon and Bran in a fucking room? Will Cersei now have to start drinking boxed wine? Will Littlefinger rebound from having peed himself? And Jesus, the White Walkers gotta be getting close to the Wall by now, yeah? Actually, that’ll be the sixth or seventh episode. Oh, and where is the Hound, Beric and the other guy? A lot of questions await the last three episodes of Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S07E01- Dragonstone

The king is back. It seems like forever that the sixth season of Game Of Thrones had ended, but here we are, kicking off Season 7 with “Dragonstone”. There is no sense bitching about it being a shorter season (the episodes are longer, though); just sit back and enjoy these next seven weeks, because Season 8 ain’t gon’ be out for a long-ass minute. Let’s go……

-Suppose we should talk about the beginning first, yeah? It’s always fun with GOT kicks off right away with a scene, instead of the credits. Here, we have Walder Frey, who is doing something for his people and giving them their second feast within a fortnight. So obviously, you should know something is about to go down. Remember, we last saw Walder getting his throat cut by Arya in the same manner as her mother. And also, why would you think that Walder friggin’ Frey would do anything nice for anyone? As soon as he told his daughter/wife beside him not to drink the wine, I was like, yup, he’s poisoning them. That alone makes Arya the MVP for this episode. She walked out that joint like Antonio Banderas in the bar scene in “Desperado”.

-We’ll finish her off now as Arya stumbles upon some Lannister soldiers in the woods, and they share her rabbit meat and wine with her. Also, Ed Sheeran shows up and he is singing his new song, apparently. Maisie Williams (Arya) is a big fan, and he loves the show, so they hooked her up. It’s not a big deal, everyone. He was on screen for like, 45 seconds. You’ll be fine. Anyway, she tells them that she’s going to kill the Queen, and everyone laughs after a second. Oooooooh, if only y’all knew.

-Who is left on Arya’s kill list? Cersei, FrankenMountain, Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and Ilyn Payne. You’ll know who they are when you read about ’em.

-Alright, on to Cersei, who is making a giant war map of Westeros to figure out her next plan, which likely involves killing everyone and everything. Jaime tells Cersei that they need allies because everyone is against them, but Cersei isn’t shook, she’s all about creating this dynasty. She also knows that Tyrion is with Dany, who wants the throne back, and Jaime says that they’ll be going to Dragonstone, which is where she was born, and there is deep enough water for her ships to drop anchor. So Cersei is like, you want allies? Cool. She calls up Euron Greyjoy, who is now the king of House Greyjoy and apparently, he got his 1000 ships made, which makes no sense as half of his people left with Yara and Theon, but hey, details, schmetails. Jaime isn’t a fan of this plan as he doesn’t think much of the Greyjoys, both as being loyalty or when it comes to fighting. However, he did want to stab Euron then and there after Euron, following a marriage proposal to Cersei, said that he was there with ships and two good hands. Jaime had to bite his tongue like shit. Euron then says that he’ll be back with a gift, and I assume that gift is Tyrion’s head. He said earlier that Cersei should try killing her brother as he did, and it feels good. Also, Yara and Theon are with Dany and Tyrion, so there is that.

-On to the Citadel, which is where Sam is learning to be a maester, but really, nah. All he does is serve food that looks like actual shit, and then he cleans the actual shit, and plays librarian. He wants to move the process along, but the Archmeister, even though he believes that Sam has seen the White Walkers, tells him to chill and that the Wall will stand as it always has. However, Sam steals a kep and gets a book that tells him there is a bunch of dragonglass underneath Dragonstone. Sam was told this by Stannis, who took over Dragonstone, but he didn’t believe. Sam is collecting bowls of food when he is grabbed by an arm that looks all sorts of fucked up, and the person asks if the Dragon Queen was back yet. That’s gotta be Jorah, right? That arm looked mighty greyscaled. I’m not going back to look at the silhouette, but I’d bet that it’s Jorah.

-Let’s head to the North next, where Jon Snow wants everyone ready for war and that they need dragonglass. Some dude is like, really, the women though? Lyanna Mormont steps up and like, yeah, b, us too, you got a problem with that? She’s so good. I can see her getting some sort of nomination for something if she gets a lot of speaking parts this season. Jon also wants to work with the Umbers and Karstarks, although Sansa is against it as their former leaders fought with Ramsay Bolton, but they’re dead now, as Jon points out. Jon and Sansa have a public tiff which they really should have talked about before they went into this meeting. But Jon is right for the most part because they really need every single person for this war, which is and has always been the overarching story of Game Of Thrones. All this petty shit won’t mean anything when the White Walkers come.

-Oh, before I forget. We see the White Walkers, led by the Night’s King. They’re walking. They’re white. They have mufuckin’ giants, bruh. GIANTS.

-Back to the North, where Jon and Sansa go back and forth about how to rule, and Sansa wants him to watch out for Cersei, which again, is petty and will be the downfall of Cersei and Sansa. Definitely Cersei, who sends a letter telling the North to bow to her. Also, Brienne and Pod are sparring with swords, well, Brienne is actually just kicking his ass until Tormund shows up and starts giving her the “when you gon’ let me get a shot at the title, girl” eyes. Brienne goes to Sansa and says that she doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who showed up earlier, and Sansa doesn’t trust him either, but they need men as they did against Ramsay. Sansa also says she knows what Littlerfinger wants, so her and Brienne have something in common: these men won’t leave us alone, dammit.

-The Hound is riding around with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and they find a house to chill in for the night because it’s damn cold. The Hound is like, these people don’t want us here and if you watched the “previously on Game Of Thrones” part, you’ll know that he and Arya ran across this farmer and his daughter way back in Season 4. Anyway, they’re dead now and the guess is that the farmer killed himself and his daughter before they starved to death. The Hound asks Beric why the Lord of Light keeps bringing him back to life because there isn’t anything special about him. Beric is like, dude, I don’t know, I ask myself that shit every day. But then he and Thoros tell the Hound to look into the fire, which is hilarious because we all know how the Hound feels about fire, and he sees the Wall, and the army of the dead marching, which startles the fuck outta him. So now, he’s starting to get it, well, get something, at least. Then, he goes out and buries the farmer and his daughter with Thoros’ help. What a nice guy.

-At the Wall, Meera and Bran show up to Castle Black, and Edd greets them, but is skeptical about who they are. Bran says that he knows that Edd has seen the White Walkers and that he fought with Jon, and Edd is like, seems about right. He lets them in. Bran still can’t walk. Meera gotta be tired as shit draggin’ his big ass around.

-Finally, we get to Dragonstone, where Dany, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei and the crew show up. Not much happens here, although we get that Dany is home. They walk silently throughout the place, and they get to the throne room, where Dany looks at the battle board and says to Tyrion, “shall we begin?”. It’s about to be fuckin’ ON.

And that was the first episode of what is setting up to be a massive, massive season of Game Of Thrones. This episode was 59 minutes, and so will next week, and outside of Episode 4, all of the episodes are of extra length. There are a few characters left to catch up on, such as Lady O (aligned with Dany and Cersei is not happy about it because she has all the food). Melisandre is somewhere catfishing people. Cersei is also lookin’ to get back to Dorne and get at the Sand Snakes, too, because petty lives matter. But really, if it ain’t about the Great War, I’m not tryna hear it.

Welcome back, Game Of Thrones. You’ve been missed.

Game Of Thrones S06E10 – The Winds Of Winter

Well, after six damn seasons of Game Of Thrones, winter is finally here. But there was a fair amount of heat in the Season 6 finale, “The Winds Of Winter”, unequivocally one of the best episodes in the entire series and the name of the upcoming sixth book. Let’s go………

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-Um, let’s start with Sam and Gilly because this shit will be quick. They show up at Oldtown and walk up to the the maester’s version of the front desk, and much like any front desk you’ve ever been to, the receptionist is not here for any of Sam’s shit. He made Sam’s big ass stretch across that desk to give him the letter from Jon, saying he is supposed to be the new maester, and Mr. Receptionist was like, new Lord Commander? No Maester Aegon? WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. But eventually, he lets Sam into the library, but not Gilly and Little Sam because Sam knew women and children weren’t allowed there. Anyway, Sam has to read like, three million books and he’s pretty psyched about it. Good for him. The fuck you gon’ do with Gilly and Little Sam?

-Let’s move up to the Twins, where Walder Frey is being full of himself as usual, partyin’ off their win over the Blackfish and the Tullys, while Bronn is gettin’ pissy with Jaime because all the women want him. Jaime, being the best wingman ever, calls over two women and Bronn is like, fuck it, I’ll take them, but first, he hit Jaime with the “not blond enough for you?” as both women had dark hair. It was obviously a shot at Jaime about Cersei, and really, Bronn is the only one who can get away with that shit. He has done it before, but what can Jaime say? Bronn has done a lot of shit for Jaime over these last six seasons. Then Jaime moves on Walder Frey, and basically says to him that the Lannisters don’t really need him if they have to ride up and save him every time he loses the Riverlands. He’s not wrong. Walder couldn’t have pulled off the Red Wedding without the Lannisters, and now this. That should have been the first sign for Walder to watch his back, ol’ pedo-ass bastard. But then, he’s chillin’ and in walks a girl that we saw in the previous scene, getting Jaime’s attention. Walder slaps her ass and says she’s too pretty to be one of his, and he asks for his sons. She was like, oh, your sons are right there, on ya mufuckin’ plate and that they were hard to carve up…..and bruh, she pulled off that mask…….ARYA. She says her full name again, completely throwing that “No One” shit in the bushes, and proceeds to slit his throat….and smiles at him. Does this make up for all the other shit that hasn’t happened for Arya this season? Not completely, but it damn sure helps. And this means that Arya is at Riverrun, so how did she get…..actually, you know what? Never mind. She’s there and that’s all that matters. Winterfell next? Maybe King’s Landing? She got that kill list to work on.

-Benjen drops Meera and Bran close to the Wall, right beside a weirwood tree, but Benjen can’t go past the Wall, which has magic or some shit that prevents him from going past it because technically, he’s dead. Sooooooooo…….does this mean the White Walkers and ’em can’t go past the Wall, either? How does that work? Anyway, we’ll figure that shit out later. Bran looks at the tree and was like, I ain’t warged in a minute and Meera is like, you better wake the fuck up when I grab you this time. He goes into his flashback, and it’s at the Tower of Joy, where we hear the screams of Lyanna Stark, and Ned goes on to see what’s up with his sister. She is lying in a pool of blood and whispers to Ned that well, she just had a baby and her father would kill her if she knew who the father was, and we can all safely assume that the father is Rhaegar Targaryen and book readers smugly stroked their chin upon this being revealed. To be fair to them, though, this is one of the theories that I’ve run across that wasn’t stupid, and it NEVER sat well with me that Ned had a bastard child when all we heard about was how honorable he was. Like, that was Ned’s THING, right until the end. But he came up with that story because Jon Snow would have been killed if anyone knew his father was Rhaegar was his father. So yes, Jon is part-Targaryen. He’d better learn to ride a dragon (remember, Rhaegar was Dany’s brother and fun fact, he was supposed to marry Cersei, but his father, the Mad King, said Cersei wasn’t good enough for him and that obviously pissed Tywin off. I could probably write another thousand words on how many people the Targaryens pissed off, and how not good that is for Dany……maybe later). That shit will come in handy.

-Speaking of Jon, he’s chillin’ with Melisandre when Davos bursts in the room and throws some shit at Melisandre, which turns out to be Shireen’s little wooden elk, which is some bullshit in the first place, but whatever. He forces her to tell Jon about the burning of Shireen at the stake, but Melisandre puts up a fight, saying that it was the Lord of Light, but also her parents as Stannis and whatever her mother’s name was were in on it, too. Davos is like, where did that get any of them, and Melisandre is like, shit….you’re not wrong. Jon asks is she has anything to say for herself and Melisandre counters with the fact that, well, she brought him back to life, and the great war is on the way and she’ll be useful to him, which is probably right. But Jon was raised by Ned and he does the honorable thing, which is to tell Melisandre to ride south and never come to the North again, or he’ll have her hanged as a murderer, while Davos is like, fuck all that, I’ll kill you my damn self. And I mean, I get it, killing Shireen was kinda fucked up. But she DID bring Jon Snow back and she probably will be able to help in the great war. She’s not done, we’ll see her again. For their sake, they better hope they see her again. But goddamn, Davos was mad as shit, come like they found a text on their significant other’s phone. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT……I don’t think we’ve ever heard him that mad. And now that I think about it….does he need to go to the Iron Bank and pay that debt for Stannis? That literally just popped into my head.

Jon meets with Sansa, who says that he should sleep in their parents’ old room, but Jon wants her to have it. She admits that not telling him about Littlefinger was the wrong thing to do, which is correct, because people were furious about that last week. Jon asks if she trusts Littlefinger, which she says she doesn’t and I think she knows better than that, but she needed him. Jon tells her they have to be honest with each other if they’re gon’ run Winterfell, but they’ll have this problem again. Oh, and they find out that winter is here through a white raven, and it’s just like their father told them as it’s the motto of House Stark and he it’s the name of the first episode of the series. It’s about damn time. Then Sansa meets with Littlefinger, who finally shoots his shot with her. He tried to kiss her and Sansa was like, nah, thanks for the army, tho. That’s some cold shit. He won’t take that lying down.

Later on, all the lords of the North have gathered and mufuckas are mad that the wildlings are there, but Tormund said they were invited. AND, did you not just see us out there fighting for your punk asses? We lost the last giant (#RIPWUNWUN) out here for y’all, which is all a true story. Jon then tells everyone that the great war is yet to be fought, and then there are some that still think Jon shouldn’t be in charge because he’s a bastard. But Lyanna Mormont steps up to the plate and all but started her speech with, “man, y’all some bitches”. She names all the houses that stopped fuckin’ with the Starks after the Red Wedding, and people that wouldn’t fight the Boltons with him. Where has this little girl been this entire series? I feel cheated that we’re just now gettin’ these Lyanna bars. And y’all are some bitches because you’re getting run by a 10-year-old that has just 62 fightin’ mufuckas….well, um, probably not 62 after last week. I wonder how many of them survived? I’d guess not many. Anyway, they all declare Jon the King Of the North and everyone is chanting, but Sansa looks in the back and Littlefinger is NOT happy because he thinks that’s his spot. So keep an eye on that because if there is one thing we know, it is that Littlefinger won’t stop until he gets what he wants. And he has an army that is probably bigger than Jon’s. But it’s nice to see the Starks taking a W or two after six entire seasons of Ls.

-Aight, NOW, on to the good stuff. The episode starts with everyone getting ready for the trials of Cersei and Loras. It is a very slow and deliberate beginning, and and very detailed, starting with the little kid who whispers something Pycelle as he is getting ready to go, and after he doesn’t pay a prostitute, and you can never trust someone who does that. Loras is brought out of his cell and I assume he’s not making it out of this episode, but instead of a trial, Loras confessed to everything, like, a whole buncha shit. I was waiting for buggery, but no buggery, I think he just used a different name for it. Anyway, he says that he’s done with his Tyrell name, he’ll never have kids, yada yada yada, but that’s not enough as the Sparrows carve that star into his head and Margaery is PISSED. The High Sparrow ain’t pressed tho, and he’s like, these things happen. He also said that Loras wouldn’t be released until Cersei’s trial, but she won’t leave the Red Keep, so he sends Lancel to get her. Of course, Cersei is chillin’ with her wine, mentally tellin’ mufuckas what they ain’t gon’ do today, and when Tommen goes to head to the trial, he’s greeted by FrankenMountain, and that’s when you knew it was about to be ON. Then you have Pycelle, who follows that kid under the Sept into a room with Qyburn, who says that he has no ill will towards Pycelle….but apparently this gang of little kids do. They stabbed the shit outta Pycelle, b. That has to be a record for most times one person has been stabbed in this show.

Margaery knows something is going on with Cersei and Tommen not being there, and says there is some sort of trap, but the High Sparrow is arrogant and was like, meh, it’ll be fine. So Margaery is like, fuck this, and tries to leave, but the Sparrows hold her back. Meanwhile, no one is looking for Lancel, who has followed another kid under the Red Keep, and then the kid stabs him in the spine. He gets to crawling, and it seemed like that dude was on the ground for hours, and he’s crawling, and he’s crawling…and then he discovers the wildfire that they’ve mentioned like, three times in the most recent episodes (I called it firewater in my notes, I was close). He sees a candle and does everything he can to get there to put it out, but he doesn’t get there in time and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM……down goes the Sept, the High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras, the Faith Militant, EVERYONE. We have two points of view here: one is Cersei, who is smirking with what might be her third glass of wine, and then there is Tommen…..who stares out of the window in disbelief, takes his crown off, we hear him sit it down, and then back to the window and doesn’t even hesitate, just walks the fuck out. So there is the prophecy; it was foretold that Cersei’s kids would all die. I don’t know if her having anything to do with it was in there, but they’re gone.

AND THEN, Cersei walks in a room where the big-ass nun is strapped to a table, and she is telling the nun to confess, and pouring wine all over her face. You KNOW Cersei hates you if she’s wasting wine on you. Cersei then confesses to killing her husband and fucking her brother and doing all sorts of shit on the strength of feeling good, and the nun is like fuck it, I’m ready to die, I’m good. But no, no, no, Cersei ain’t ready for that yet….she brings in FrankenMountain, who takes off his mask, and we don’t know what he is doing to her as Cersei leaves, but we hear the blood-curdling screams and it surely can’t be good for ol’ nun, and Cersei walks off repeating “Shame, Shame”, because she’s Queen Petty.

However, a damper is put on the party when Qyburn tells Cersei that Tommen is dead, and she’s like, welp, burn him and put him with his grandfather, brother and sister, and it’s there that hits Cersei, her whole damn family is dead….all she has left is Jaime. No mention of Robert, tho, which isn’t surprising. But Jaime’s reaction is the best as he and Bronn return from Riverrun with King’s Landing burning, and he’s like, fuck, what did she do now. He walks in just in time to see Cersei being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms by Qyburn, and yo…….CERSEI IS ON THE FUCKIN’ THRONE. The season is a success for me because I just wanted Cersei to get revenge and then die, but to put her on the throne? Something that she tried to run with Robert, then killed him, then her sons, and that didn’t work out. But she should be careful because the Iron Throne isn’t really the place to be if you want to live. And besides, Cersei’s plans ALWAYS backfire, so it’s only a matter of time before that shit comes crashing down. However. The Revenge of Cersei is complete and the High Sparrow is dead, so I’m good.

-Quickly, we stopped in Dorne where Ellaria had called Lady O for a meeting, and Lady O is not in the mood for anything. She needs some backup as she blames Cersei for the deaths of Margaery and Loras, and rightly so, oh, and her son, their father, also died at the Sept. Ellaria is all about some Lannister vengeance, but not before Lady O cusses out all three of the Sand Snakes for no reason other than they exist. I love that lady. No one makes some feel small better than Lady O, them bars cut like a knife. But then Varys is revealed, and I’ll tell you what I think that is all about in the next section. So that’s where he was going, but wouldn’t tell Tyrion.

-Finally, we end in Meereen, where Dany breaks up with Daario, which kinda came outta nowhere, but I was okay with it. He is to stay there with the Second Sons and make sure Meereen is smooth, and he’s on some “please baby baby please” shit, but Dany is like, nah, I got shit to do. She tried him as a piece, and it was lowkey hilarious to see the shoe on the other foot, far different from what we’re used to seeing in, well, 90% of television shows outchea. And he’s mad at Tyrion, who is sitting outside and waiting for Dany to see how Daario took the news (meh, he was fine, probably went to a brothel).

Tyrion tries to console her, but Dany is more worried that she doesn’t feel anything about it. The two sit down and talk about what they believe in, and Tyrion didn’t believe in anything, but he believes in her and I’m not going through the shit word for word, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage used this as their Emmy scene (even though neither of them should win). Just the way it was shot, with them in the frame and the window behind them….this is the shit we’ve been building towards and what I’ve been waiting for since Tyrion got to Meereen. He even said it: she has ships, an army, some big-ass dragons….only one thing left to do. As I mentioned before, the Targaryens aren’t liked in King’s Landing, but who cares….she has all of the aforementioned things. Anyway, Dany makes Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and he kneels, but hey, he has been the Hand before. We close with Yara and Theon and the Iron Fleet (and I assume Euron is building, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point), and then Dany, Missandei, Tyrion and Varys on another ship, with Drogon up above. Dany is FINALLY going to Westeros, and she better not make any damn stops along the way. And yeah, Varys…..he got back in time (don’t worry about how long it took for all this, Dorne is kinda close to Meereen and that shit doesn’t mean anything in this show). So he’s aligning Dany and ’em with Dorne and Highgarden against the Lannisters? Tyrion won’t mind, although he’ll do his best to save Jaime, which isn’t likely considering that, you know, he kinda killed Dany’s father. And yo, whatever happen to Melisandre #2, that knew all about Varys’ past and had him shook?

And that was that. The end to Season 6, which might be just after Season 4 for my favorite season, and this was one of the best episodes of the series, hands down. I’m fine with there being fewer episodes in the season (there are seven slated for next season) if they’re going to be longer, and if they’re all this good. I’m not even gon’ speculate on what will happen next season, I’ma let this season marinate and we’ll deal with all that shit over the next ten months, which seems like a long time, but we’ll get through it.

Season 6 MVP: Lena Headey as Cersei. Honorable mention for Sophie Turner as Sansa. I wanted it to be Maisie Williams as Arya, but that storyline dragged for a while.

Thanks for reading and making this the most fun I’ve had since starting this blog, and I haven’t figured out what’s next yet. But whatever it is, it won’t be as fun as Game Of Thrones, the king of television right now.

Game Of Thrones S06E09 – Battle Of The Bastards

It was the week everyone was waiting for. Game Of Thrones usually gets it poppin’ with Episode 9, up until last year, when that shit was upstaged by the prior episode: the battle at Hardhome. Then the episode title was released and “Battle of the Bastards” was supposed to bring it back. Did it? I’m sure everyone is happy with the result, but I’m not sure on the path they took to get there. Let’s go….

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-Alright, so it’s nice and easy, two locations this week and we’ll obviously start with Meereen, where Dany is lookin’ at Tyrion like a mother who caught her kid having a party while she was out. Dany wants to kill the slavers, but Tyrion suggests some sort of surrender plan, so they set up a meeting with the leaders of Yunkai, Volantis and Astapor. The masters suggest that Dany and Tyrion leave, but they also get the Unsullied and Missandei will go back into slavery and her dragons will be slaughtered. Man, it’s hilarious that all these dudes in this show just think they can roll over Dany, like she ain’t got some big-ass dragons. So she looks at them like, oh that plan just won’t do, this was about your surrender…..and up flies Drogon, big as shit, and Dany rides him off into the sky, and they’re joined by Rhaegal and Viseron. You know Drogon was like, yo, I know moms fucked up by locking you away, and we’ll deal with that later. Right now, we got some thangs to take care of. Meanwhile, Daario and the Dothraki ambush the Sons of the Harpy, who are just killing everything in sight, and the soldiers that were with the masters were like, man, fuck this, and they peaced out with the quickness. So the masters are left, and Grey Worm says that one of them have to die, and two of the masters (Yunkai and Volantis) immediately point to the Astapor homie…..Grey Worm is like, y’all hoes ain’t loyal, and cuts both of their throats. Then Tyrion walks up to Astapor and tells him to go and spread the word that Dany will fuck your whole life up if need be.

Shortly after, Theon and Yara get to Meereen to talk to Dany, and they say that they’ll offer the Iron Fleet if she’ll help them kill Euron, who has to be on, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point. They wonder why Theon isn’t leading, and Tyrion makes some cracks from what he knows of what he did at Winterfell, but Theon says that Yara is in charge and Yara tries to lowkey holla at Dany on some “I’m down if you are” type game. I can imagine Tyrion chillin’ with a glass of wine watchin’ and shit. Dany says she will, but the Ironborn can’t rape and pillage anymore and Yara is like, WHAT ELSE ARE WE GON’ DO? But she agrees and Queen Latifah’s “Ladies First” plays in the background. It was a great week for the GOT ladies, which is nice for a change. I’ve always said that women have carried this show, and they dominated this week.

For me, this was the best part of the episode. Why? Dragons, b. Three of ’em. But Dany needs to be gettin’ on the go soon. Get out of Slavers Bay. At least start making your way to the Iron Islands, Westeros in general, really. Just do something. This was very cool and all, but we’ve seen Dany save the day too many times and then not to do anything.

That being said, this was pretty fucking cool.

-Now, to the North, where Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Davos meet up with Ramsay and Smalljon Umber to talk about this battle. Ramsay says he’ll let Jon go for breaking his Night’s Watch vows, which is hilarious because the Night’s Watch is full of criminals and bastards and I don’t know why they follow these vows, but whatever, fine. Oh, and Ramsay wants his wife, Sansa, back. Jon is like, all these people don’t have to die….why don’t we just fight and Ramsay is like, I heard you were good and I’m not about that one-on-one life and my army can beat your half-army. Jon tries to make Ramsay guilty, saying that his men won’t fight for him if Ramsay won’t fight them, and Ramsay really gives no fucks about all that and instead, threatens Rickon, and we’ll get to that fuckboy in a minute. They ask how they can trust that they have him, and Smalljon throws Shaggydog’s head at them. Sansa is like, fuck y’all and you, you’re dying tomorrow, and rides off. So, it’s about to go down. And this was Jon’s first mistake, actin’ like Ramsay has feelings and shit.

Then the crew discuss what they’re up against and their battle plan, and Sansa tells them that they don’t have enough men, but Jon is like, NOAP, this is how we’re doing this. Sansa then gets up in arms because they didn’t ask her what she thought….and she’s right. No one knows Ramsay better than Sansa, for better or for worse, and she could have told Jon that tryna guilt Ramsay wouldn’t work worth a damn. She also points out that he likes to play with people, which we see later on. But Sansa has more on the line than any of these people: if they lose this, she has to go back to Ramsay, and she says she’ll kill herself if that happens. Which is fair; shoutout to Sansa to not killing herself when she was with him.

Next, Davos and Tormund are talking about the wildlings’ battle with Stannis, and they come to the conclusion that they were probably serving the wrong king, but you serve who you serve and that is that. Tormund says he’s going to drink some goat’s milk, while Davos says he’s walking out far enough to take a dump and Tormund tells him, “happy shitting”. Everyone has their pre-battle routines, I guess. Davos gets out to the pyre where Shireen was burned, and he finds the wooden stag that he made for her, because it’s not like it hasn’t snowed a bunch there since then and it hasn’t been windy or whatever, but hey, Davos gotta get pumped up somehow. Then Jon goes to see Melisandre, and he tells her not to bring him back if he dies, and she’s like, bruh, they’re gon’ ask me and I have to try, but it’s up to the Lord of Light. Ain’t that some passin-the-buck shit.

So now, it’s go time. The armies meet up and Ramsay has Rickon tied up, and he tells the youngest Stark that they’re gon’ play a game. The game is for Rickon to run towards Jon, but he has to run, which he does, and Ramsay pulls out his bow. Rickon starts to run towards Jon, and yo……I mean, Rickon, I know you’ve been gone for a while, and you don’t even have to be the next Barry Sanders (NFL running back, shifty as all hell, I know some of y’all won’t get that). But Jesus everlovin’ Christ, can you tuck and roll? Zig-zag just a little? Turn around, see where the arrow is and move? SOMETHING? Dogg, you can’t just run in a straight fuckin’ line and not expect to die. Then on the other side and this was brought up to me by a friend, Jon got off his horse, walked 20 feet, was like, yup, that’s Rickon, then he had to walk all the way back to said horse and then get going…..stay on your fuckin’ horse, bruh. Anyway, they’re running towards each other and Ramsay missed twice, but we all know that he wouldn’t miss a third and it would happen right before he got to Jon. This is where my problems started with this battle, but we’ll keep going. Then Jon gets off his horse and waits for the cavalry to come and again, this was pointed out to me by a friend (thanks, Melissa). It was filmed in such a way that Jon looked like he was lighter than everyone else, and it was like this throughout the battle. Is he the Lord of Light? He’s something. I don’t know what, I assumed it was just because it is Jon Snow and everyone is so pressed for him to be the savior of everything. But there is something to it, for sure. But go back a minute to when the two cavalries meet and it just sounds like a thousand NFL offensive lines colliding. I’ve never understood these battles where mufuckas just rush with their swords pointed straight out, like, I’ma stick this mufucka out and if you get hit, your fault. Meanwhile, they’re doing the same thing, and if you’re on the front line, that’s gotta SUCK.

They get to fightin’ and if there is one thing I’ll always say about Jon Snow, that dude is a helluva swordsman, like Ramsay said earlier. I won’t go through every fight, obviously, but he was mowing mufuckas DOWN left and right, and the filming of this whole thing was reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan, so I’ll never say that wasn’t cool to watch. But then the Bolton army surrounds Jon’s army in a horseshoe formation, and this is a brilliant move by Ramsay. They basically push them in the middle and no one in the Stark army can do anything, really, except Wun Wun, who was ripping people literally in half and that shit was great. Then there are piles of bodies and dead horses and all sorts of shit, and Jon somehow gets tramples by either retreating wildlings or incoming Boltons, hell, probably both, I don’t really care, he was gettin’ trampled by mufuckas, tho. Then, problem #2: Jon is running out of air, but I keep waiting for when he burst out of the feet and people and takes that big gasp of air…….then he did it and I hit the most vicious sideeye of the whole season. And really, this is my biggest issue with this battle and why I don’t think it was better than Hardhome. I never once, ever in life, thought that Jon was in danger of dying. Maybe it’s because he has already died once and they brought him back. But at Hardhome, I thought there was a genuine chance he could die, even though I’m not a Jon Snow fan, I thought he could. This time, I don’t care if he was trampled by a thousand horses and Boltons and Ramsay shoved a spear in his ass, at no point in this episode did I ever think Jon was going to die. And then, of course, just as Jon and ’em are gettin’ worked, a horn sounds and here comes the Knights of the Vale, while Sansa and Littlefinger are chillin’ on a hill and Ramsay is like, what in the fuck…..I didn’t plan for this at all. While this is happening, Smalljon was kickin’ Tormund’s ass, but he looks to see the Vale and Tormund goes full-on Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead and bites that mufucka’s whole throat out. That was the best part of the battle, for me.

Sidenote: some people on Reddit did this thing where they confirmed that Sansa was writing a letter to Littlefinger. We ALL knew that was who she was writing, but some know-it-all mufuckas were pressed to be like, OOOOOOOOOH LOOK, I KNOW  I KNOW. You’re a dickhole if you participate in this. Watch the show like everyone else. Spend that time being a better person so, MAYBE, someone can love you.

Anyway, the Vale is runnin’ shit and Ramsay is like, I’m out, back to Winterfell and close the gates. But he forgets that the Starks have a giant, and Wun Wun busts through the door like a big-ass Kool-Aid Man. However, he also have enough arrows in him that he looks like a human that ran through a field of hitchhikers (don’t front like you don’t know what they are), and is brought down from an arrow to the eye from Ramsay. This was the most upset I was through the whole thing. Wun Wun went out like a fuckin’ G. The G-est of Gs. Pour somethin’ out for him. But Jon and ’em are through, and Ramsay is like, aye dogg, I was just playin’, how about that one-on-one battle you suggested, and started firing arrows at him. But Jon grabs a shield and just keeps going forward until he gets to Ramsay, and sweet Jesus, he starts kicking his ass and it sounds like someone punching raw steaks. But then Sansa shows up and Jon is like, you know what, you deserve this and again, predictable. So they take down the Bolton banners and the Starks are back in Winterfell, and it was nice to see the wolf banner back there after the Starks have taking more Ls than Steph Curry is right now. When was the last time they got a win? Hell, a tie? I’m not sure they’ve taking one. Jon orders that Rickon is buried in the crypts next to Ned, and Sansa is like, where is he, so Jon tells her down in a cell. Ramsay is a mess, but he says that she’ll never be rid of him because he is a part of her…….AYE YO, SANSA PREGNANT, DOGG? SANSA PREGNANT! Man, I’d throw that baby off the highest cliff so fast, it wouldn’t even be funny. Punt that shit like it was a football. But Sansa gets the last laugh (for now) as she releases his hounds on Ramsay, who hasn’t fed them in a week, he said, and he’s like, they won’t eat me. You ain’t fed them in a week, bruh. He tries to tell them to get down, and they did……ON HIS FACE. They start tearing at him as Sansa walks away to the sound of his screams, with a smile.

My take on this battle is that, no matter how they got here, everyone was just happy for Ramsay to be dead. The battle was fantastic, visually stimulating and all that. I just found it to be wildly predictable from start to finish. But hey, Ramsay died, so this is apparently the best battle ever. Here are my GOT Battle Power Rankings:

  1. Hardhome
  2. Blackwater
  3. Battle of Winterfell (this one)
  4. Castle Black (and you might be able to switch these if you wanted to)
  5. Whatever they’re callin’ the Stannis joint from last season.

It was fine. It was very good. It wasn’t the best, tho. I chalk it up to recency bias and the fact that Ramsay died, and fuck him. And fair enough, I guess. But the fact that I can think of two battles that are way better and it’s not even close, shows you the high standard to watch Game Of Thrones is held, and usually delivers.

Now, on to the finale, which is 69 minutes long and supposed to be packed with surprises, but I’m staying away from previews because I just wanna watch it on Sunday night and be done with it. I assume it’ll be largely filled with Cersei, they’d have to touch on Bran, a little bit of….actually, you know what? I’m not making predictions. Shit will be almost 70 minutes, so we might see everyone before going into the offseason. Let’s fuckin’ get it. One more week.

 

 

Game Of Thrones S06E08 – No One

We’re officially in the homestretch of Game Of Thrones‘ sixth season with “No One”, and things are set up for a wild final two episodes. Too bad that I liked everything about this episode, except the storyline that sparked the title. Let’s go…..

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-Let’s start with Riverrun, because there’s a whole buncha shit goin’ on in those streets. Brienne and Pod da Gawd got there to holla at the Blackfish, but they realize that the Lannister army is there as well, and the Freys, but they’ve already proven to not be worth a damn. They’re surrounded quickly by Lannister people, and Brienne tells them that she wants to speak to Jaime, and she has his sword. So she goes to meet him in a tent, while Bronn sees Pod and starts fuckin’ with him, making jokes and he offers to teach him how to fight. I wonder how many times he has pulled that “look at your stance” joint….that shit is the “are your shoes untied” of Westeros, I bet. Jaime and Brienne’s meeting was fine enough. Brienne needs help for Sansa and her battle, but Jaime is like, we’re kinda fighting Blackfish right now, so if you can just take a number. Brienne at least gets Jaime to let her talk to the Blackfish and Jaime was like, cool, I’ll let him leave, but he gotta be out by nightfall and when Brienne tries to give him back his sword, he denies her. Then Brienne pulls some shit about having to fight him if the Blackfish won’t surrender because of her oath to Catelyn Stark, and if I’m Jaime, I’m like, well give me back my sword, then. What kinda shit is this? I suppose the name of the sword is Oathkeeper, but still, gotta let some shit slide, Brienne. And that is why she’ll die at some point. Anyway, she goes to the Blackfish and tries to talk to him, and he’s like naaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Even when she brings up Sansa, Blackfish is like, I’d love to, but I got some thangs goin’ on right now and I can’t spare it. So she sends a raven to tell Sansa it’s a no-go, but Sansa is already on the horn to Littlefinger, because we all think she was writing the letter to him last week, right? Right.

Jaime then goes to Edmure Tully, who is kinda being a dick and Jaime tells him that he has a son with Roslin Frey, and if he can convince the Blackfish to get out, Jaime will let them live out their days at Casterly Rock. Edmure is still kinda being a dick and then Jaime tells him about being Catelyn’s captor, and he came to respect her for her love of her children, which is why he loves Cersei and basically, he’ll kill every Tully in here (word to Riley Cooper, look it up) to get back to her. Bruh, he said he would catapult his son off the castle. So Edmure obviously changes his mind and goes to the Blackfish, who doesn’t want the guards to even open the drawbridge, but they do. Edmure orders that they surrender to the Lannisters because technically, his pops was Hoster Tully (Catelyn’s pops as well), so Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun. He allows the Lannisters and Freys to come in, put their banners up, pictures on the wall, feet all on their couch, spillin’ popcorn on the floor, all that. Then he orders the Blackfish to be in chains, and the Blackfish refused to leave with Brienne instead, instead opting to fight. It is reported that he died, but I ain’t see the fight, so it didn’t happen. The shit ends with Brienne and Pod leaving on a boat, and she and Jaime wave to each other. That was kinda underwhelming…..I want more Jaime and Brienne, but I guess purposes have to be served. And Sansa definitely isn’t getting the help of Riverrun now as Jaime pointed out that she is still a suspect in Joffrey’s death.

-Over at King’s Landing, the Faith Militant want to see Cersei and they’re led by Cousin Lancel, who lowkey started all this shit in the first place. Lancel tells Cersei that the High Sparrow wants to see her and she’s like, nah, tell him to come to me. Lancel tells her that if she doesn’t come nicely, there might be violence and Cersei is like, what, you don’t see FrankenMountain behind me? I choose violence, she says, which seems like something she has said before and even if she didn’t, she has definitely thought it. One of the dudes tries to step to him, but his sword got stuck in FrankenMountain’s armor. FrankenMountain then picks the dude up and throws him, and then rips off his head and Lancel is like, you know what? Maybe we’ll come back later. Then Cersei goes to the Great Hall to find that something is going on and she wasn’t told, but Uncle Kevan tells her she’s not apart of the circle and she can go stand with the regular people. The announcement comes from Tommen that trials by combat are now forbidden, and you knew that was coming after Lancel watched his homeboy get his lid ripped off. He went back to the High Sparrow and was like, nah, we can’t do this, dogg. This puts Cersei at a supreme disadvantage because FrankenMountain is literally all she has. What is she gon’ do now? Qyburn tells Cersei that he had been investigating an old rumor that she had told him about, and the rumor was more than a rumor. I’ve no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but we’ll find out soon enough. All I know is that Cersei is in quite a pickle. What is about to be, a spelling bee? Slam dunk contest? Should be interesting.

-Over to Meereen, where the Red Priestesses are telling everyone that Dany was sent by the Lord of Light to stop slavery (which isn’t really working out for her), while Tyrion and Varys are scheming, as they’re known to do. They’re skeptical on putting these “fanatics” in a position to control the people and well, they should maybe look over to King’s Landing to see how that is working out for them. Anyway, Varys says he’ll go on a secret mission to recruit people to help Dany when she gets to Westeros….but how do they know she’s going there? She should and I hope she does, but I’m not saying shit until she does. Anyway, he leaves and Tyrion goes to hang with Grey Worm and Missandei, and he gets them to have a drink with him, Missandei, at least. He also wants jokes and Missandei tries to tell one and Grey Worm is like, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life and I’m like, dogg….she wants to fuck with you and you ain’t got no dick….AND NOW YOU’RE SHITTING ON HER JOKES? Apparently, that was him making a joke and Missandei, who is LIT off one sip of wine, starts laughing and he smiles at her. I bet Missandei would destroy a bottle of Boone’s wine. That, or some Palm Bays.

But then, they hear the sound of shooting and they see a buncha ships from Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis, firing flaming arrows and all sorts of other shit. They’re killing Meereen and Tyrion is like, well, diplomacy didn’t work, so how about you handle this, Grey Worm? Then they hear footsteps on the roof of the pyramid and the guards go to investigate, but they bow….it’s Dany, who came back with Drogon and man, she burst in that room like the “All Lives Matter” movement (with their bullshit, but anyway). That shit was hilarious. All she needed was a cape and to put her hands on her hips. So yeah, Dany back and next week, or maybe two weeks from now, Drogon and his brothers will absolutely get it poppin’. If she can swing it, shoot, there are ships there for the taking, but I fear the dragons will burn the shit outta them.

-Next, we’re in the Riverlands, where the Brotherhood Without Banners are crackin’ jokes after their destruction of Ian McShane and ’em.The Hound rolls up behind them with his axe and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, heads were rollin’ all over the damn place. Groins were cut, guts were spilled, all that shit, he went to town on mufuckas. Then he keeps going to find more of them, and he finds Beric Dondarrion, who the Hound killed back in Season 3 in a trial by combat, but he keeps coming back to life because of the Lord of Light and Thoros, who is also there with him. They’re going to hang a few more people involved with the massacre of McShane and ’em, and the Hound is like, lemme kill ’em. Thoros is like, cool, but you can’t butcher them and the Hound is like, normally I’d kill all y’all mufuckas and then, them, but fine, we’ll hang ’em. He probably also realized that he already killed Beric and well, here he is, so what’s the point. He also takes one of the men’s boots because, fuck him.

The Hound chills with the Brotherhood, who want him to join up because he’s a damn beast and that “cold winds are blowingin the North”. Basically, the White Walkers are coming and they need his help, and hopefully, he will. The Hound is a beast, but I don’t know how much he can do against them. Can’t hurt to try, tho.

-Sigh…..finally to Braavos, where Lady Crane is playing Cersei, mourning Joffrey, but this script has been edited to add Cersei’s revenge like Arya suggested. She walks offstage and there is Arya, chillin’, hangin’ out, you know, just bleeding out. She helps Arya because apparently she is a damn EMT on the side….problem #1 with this. Lady Crane then tells Arya that she beat up Bianca, who Arya pointed out as wanting her dead, and then she asks Arya to join the play company and go to Pentos. Arya takes some milk of the poppy (heroin, opium, whatever you want to call it) and goes to sleep, and wakes up to a dead Lady Crane, who was killed by the Waif, who disguised herself as a man. Arya is like, fuck this, and jumps out of a window like Omar on The Wire, and not a sprained ankle, a broken toe, nothing……strike #2. They run through the streets like an old-school samurai movie, and Arya falls down some steps….like, barrel rolls down like, 15 or 20 steps. You know what? I won’t give this a strike, but a strong sideeye. She gets to a darkened room that has a candle in it, and the Waif tells her that she can die on her feet, or on her knees, so Arya takes out Needle and cuts out the flame for strike #3. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……where did Needle come from and more importantly, why didn’t she pull that shit out from the jump? Good on her realizing that maybe she fought better when she was blind, so she cut out the candle…..but seriously, why not pull that shit out? I’m not watching it again, but this all seems stupid and I’m not buying it.It’s fine, though. It’s okay to criticize Game Of Thrones. It does some stupid shit sometimes. Like, how did she not know the Waif would show up at Lady Crane’s? Arya was so damn sloppy, but of course, they were never going to kill her. Like, EVER.

Then, Jaqen gets to the Hall of Faces and finds a trail of blood, which he follows to the wall and he sees the face of the Waif with her eyes gouged out. Arya is behind him and asks him if he sent the Waif to kill her, which he admits and he’s impressed as she has become No One and can roll with the Faceless Men. Arya is like, man, fuck y’all, I am Arya Stark of Winterfell and I’m going the fuck home. Jaqen smiles and is like, cool, but he’s not done with her. I’m done with this storyline, though. It was a solid idea, but it has gone on long enough and if she just goes home to do whatever, what the hell was this all for?

My biggest, biggest, biggest problem with this, though? We didn’t get to see Arya kill the Waif. We’ve watched this monster of a human being fuck Arya’s whole life up for more than a season. She has kicked her ass with weapons, without weapons, with sight, with no sight, while she was awake, while she was asleep…..for all this, we deserve to see her die. I thought that was kinda cheap. But hey, I’ll live. Now, where will Arya go? No point in going back to Winterfell…..or is there?

Next week, my friends…..”Battle of the Bastards”, and it’s directed by Miguel Sapochink, who is also directing next week’s finale (which is like, 70 minutes long or some shit). Sapochink directed last season’s “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Party, and he also did the preceding episode, “The Gift“. If he’s at the helm, then I’m thinking the next two episodes are going to be just LOADED with killing and gratuitous violence. I’m not sure if the episode will be centered entirely on Winterfell as GOT tends to do with big battles like Hardhome, and Season 2’s Blackwater, but I have a feeling it will be. We’ll see Jon, Sansa, Ramsay, Rickon, Littlefinger will probably be in the house, Davos, all of them will be prominent, and don’t forget Lyanna and the 62 Mormonts. If not, I’m sure Dany will be a thing, we gotta get back to Bran, and hopefully someone would have killed either Tommen, the High Sparrow or Cersei, because we’re not getting out of this season with one of those three dying; possibly all three. I’m so fuckin’ ready for next week.

Game Of Thrones S06E06 – Blood Of My Blood

I bet a lot of y’all had to pull the Wiki up for “Blood Of My Blood”, the beginning of the second half of Game Of Thrones. Bringing back characters from five years ago? I can’t remember what I had for dinner two days ago. Let’s go………..

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-Let’s start where we left off last week, with Meera dragging Bran’s vision-havin’ ass through the snow away from all the wights and the White Wakers. Shoutout to Hodor keeping them at bay long enough that they got a decent headstart, because they were surprisingly far enough from the Raven Cave. Meera would be a Crossfit master, I bet. While this is happening, Bran is having all sorts of visions, ones of the Mad King yelling “burn them all!”, the Red Wedding, the battle at Hardhome, the Iron Throne and I think Jaime was in there, maybe Cersei, too. Eventually, she gets tired and collapses as the cold-zombie gang (thanks, Milli) showed up and lo and behold, dude comes outta nowhere on a horse and starts whippin’ ass, and throws Bran and Meera on his horse to escape. When they get a safe place, which I still don’t get because as the man himself says, “the dead don’t stop” (or something along those lines), Meera asks why he helped them as the man is cracking open a rabbit head and pouring the blood out. He says he was sent by the Three-Eyed Raven who lives again, which wakes up Bran out of his trance. Then he takes off his mask and Bran sees its his uncle Benjen, who we haven’t seen since Jon got to the Wall in Season 1. You might not recognize him because, well, it was back in Season 1, and his face is probably more blue than you remember. That’s because, he says, he was stabbed by a White Walker, but the Children of the Forest saved him with their magic, so he’s only part-wight, I would assume the good part, though. He tells Bran that he’s the Three-Eyed Raven now and he has to take on the White Walkers. If Bran is gon’ do this, he has to learn to control this whole vision-havin’ shit. Hodor is gone, bruh, and Meera can’t be carryin’ you around on this sled. Anyway, cool scene and reintroduces Benjen back to the story, although there is probably more to it than he says. And back to Bran’s visions, I think that’s the first time we’ve ever seen the Mad King. There should be a webseries on how mad he is, featuring the Mad Rapper.

-Sam and Gilly are on their way to Horn Hill, where Sam grew up, and Sam says they should tell his family that Little Sam is his son, and that she can’t tell anyone he is a wildling because his pops hates wildlings. Gilly is asking a lot of questions, and I feel like she needs to just fall back and do what needs to be done to get this roof and this food. We meet Sam’s moms and his sister, who tries to tell Sam that she’s supposed to marry someone or other, but her moms tells her to be quiet. Later at dinner, they’re eating and Sam tells his father that the plan is to become a maester and go back to Castle Black. His father proceeds to just destroy him, calling him fat and all sorts of shit, and Gilly steps up, telling him that Sam killed a White Walker, which gives away the fact that Sam met her further north of the Wall. His father, Randyll, continues to berate them and his wife, Melessa, gets up to leave because well, her husband is an asshole. She takes her daughter (Talla) and Gilly, while Randyll tells Sam that Gilly can stay and work in the kitchen, and Little Sam will be a bastard, but Sam gotta go. Sam apologizes to Gilly later and tries to leave, but he turns around and is like, nah, we all goin’. But as they prepare to leave, he takes Heartsbane, a Valyrian sword that belongs to his family. That sword is big as shit, like, Brienne-sized. Sam might need to make a Bran-sled to carry that shit. But I bet it’ll come in handy at some point.

-Over in King’s Landing, Tommen and the High Sparrow are talking about Margaery’s Walk of Atonement, and Tommen goes to see her. Margaery is surprisingly not bitter at the High Sparrow and kinda admitting to all these sins, including not being a good queen to the poor,, and Tommen is like, uh, I didn’t expect that at all….but he kinda fucks with it. That being said, I think something is up because Margaery is her grandmother’s granddaughter. Mace Tyrell is bringing the troops to the city, where they meet up with Jaime. They get to the Great Sept, where Margaery is about to walk the streets, but everyone is there, including Lady O, who is just fanning herself all elegantly, but with the stankest look on her face because well, the streets probably smell awful. Look at all the dirty mufuckas waiting for Margaery to make that walk. Dicks were already out, mufuckas had poop in their hands, ready to throw. But there is Jaime, telling the High Sparrow to let Margaery and Loras go or it’s gon’ be a fight, and the High Sparrow replies that his crew is ready to die like Biggie, and they wanna die, which is kinda fucked, but look at this guy. Then he says that the Walk has been cancelled and the citizens are like, WELL WHY DO I HAVE FECES IN MY HAND? Then Tommen walks out with his guards to join the High Sparrow and Margaery, and tells everyone that the throne and the faith are now a power couple. Jaime doesn’t know what’s going on, and neither does Mace, but Lady O said that they’re beaten. Shit gets worse as Tommen strips Jaime of the Kingsguard, even though Jaime has been doing this since before he was born, and if I were Jaime, I’d just blurt, BITCH, I’M YOUR FATHER. Tommen then tells Jaime that he’ll be moving away from King’s Landing in lieu of not having to go to the dungeons or anything like that. I don’t know why they didn’t just roll through the Sparrows. They have batons; y’all have swords. Although I suppose the Kingsguard is now aligned with them. Man……Tommen might be the worst king of them all, and that’s saying a whole helluva lot for Game Of Thrones. Someone asked me if it’s a good thing that the king and the High Sparrow are joining forces. I haven’t watched five-plus seasons of this shit for the High Sparrow to be runnin’ anything. And shoutout to whoever it was on Twitter that called that dude “Dirty Bernie Sanders” (I tried to find it on Twitter and you’d be surprised at how many tweets contain those three words, but not in this context and that is a conversation for another day). That shit was GREAT.

So Jaime runs to Cersei because he doesn’t wanna go and help Walder Frey take back Riverrun as Tommen has commanded, and he wants to find Bronn to get a crew together and kill the High Sparrow. Cersei tells him that he’ll be dead before that happened and that would ruin everything, so he should go to Riverrun and flex that Lannister muscle. Jaime continues to sulk and says that he wants to be there for her trial, but Cersei say that it’s a trial by combat and she has FrankenMountain, so she’s good……so obviously, he’s gon’ die. How do you kill a monster that is already dead? I have a feeling we’re about to find out. Anyway, they kiss and I keep forgetting about the incest

-Arya is watching the rest of the play, and we get there as fake Tyrion is poisoning fake Joffrey. She is laughing and as I’ve heard from a couple podcasts over the week, this is probably the first that Arya is hearing about any of this. But she does feel some kinda way about fake Cersei, who is quite sad about her son dying, but Arya has a job and that is to kill her, so she goes backstage (security SUCKS at these plays) and gets caught by Lady Crane. She talks to Lady Crane and the two kinda get along, and Arya suggest to her that the real Cersei wouldn’t be sad, she would want revenge, which is absolutely not wrong. Lady Crane takes her suggestion to the writer of the play, who is basically like, fuck your opinion, and as Lady Crane goes to drink the poison Arya put into her rum, Arya knocks it out of her hand and tells her that her understudy, Bianca, wants her dead. This was alluded to last week, and this week as Lady Crane was reciting her line, and you see Bianca offstage, mouthing the same lines. But while all this is going on, the Waif sees everything…..who in the fuck is running security at these plays? Can anyone walk in the back? Anyway, the Waif runs to tell Jaqen and says Arya wasn’t ready and needs to die, and Jaqen says not to allow her to suffer. Meanwhile, Arya goes to get Needle and goes to sleep, although she has to know that there is no sleep and something is about to happen. Good, because this storyline needs to end soon and I can’t WAIT For Arya to fuck ol’ girl up.

-Walder Frey is back in the house as we haven’t seen him since shortly after the Red Wedding. His sons tell him that Brynden has taken Riverrun, and he chastises them for losing him at the Red Wedding in the first place; Brynden was the one that went outside to pee right before the doors closed on Robb and Catelyn. There are also a couple more houses that are going against the Freys, along with the Brotherhood Without Banners, who are basically a rebel army for the people that was kinda created by Ned Stark back in the day. But Walder tells them that he has a plan, and that plan is to bring out Edmure Tully, who Frey has had since the Red Wedding, which was Edmure’s wedding to Roslin Frey. The plan is to trade Edmure for Riverrun, but we all know Walder is a dick and has no intentions of living up to this deal. This is the same dude that killed the Starks after sharing his food and his house with him, so yeah, he gives not a single, solitary fuck about honor. I thought it was Crastor, Gilly’s FatherBabyDaddy, because he slapped that little girl in the ass, but I was corrected that it wasn’t. I can’t keep all the incest and pedophilia straight on this show.

-Finally, Dany, Daario and her new-old-new army of Dothraki are walking through the desert, and Dany is wondering how many ships she’ll need to get everyone back to Westeros. This includes the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Second Sons, Tyrion, Varys, Melisandre Part 2 and her crew that Dany doesn’t even know she has yet, all of Bad Boy AND Death Row Records, all them mufuckas. Daario is like, about a thousand, so basically however many ships Euron Greyjoy plans on building. Then, Dany tells Daario to chill, she gotta go see something, and she takes a while, and Daario is like, I’m go get her. But he stops when he sees a big-ass shadow, and then you hear the shriek……DRAGON SHRIEK. Dany comes in flying on Drogon’s back, but I’m wondering if Dany fed the horse to Drogon? She left on a white horse and comes back on a mufuckin’ dragon. Anyway, she gives the Dothraki a rousing speech and says that the entire khalasar are her bloodriders, instead of the usual trio. The Dothraki are ready to ride for Dany and roll through the armies of the Seven Kingdoms, and yes, Dany, we’re ready, too. But we’ve heard this before. Stop fuckin’ around and go get this throne.

“Blood Of My Blood” was a fine episode, probably not the strongest of the season, but it sets up for the next four episodes. Benjen probably has to help Bran do more Raven training, while Brynden is about to be brought into a lot of shit with the Freys hollerin’ at him, and the Sansa/Jon army will be coming, too. Dany is about to fall ass backwards into a shitload of ships one way or another. And oh yeah, I won’t say it here, but you can find the remaining episode titles on the internet. Episode 9, bruh…..episode 9.

Four more to go……….