Tag Archives: Euron Greyjoy

Game Of Thrones S07E03 – The Queen’s Justice

After “The Queen’s Justice”, I’m already getting ready to be mad at Game Of Thrones. There will be no justice for the one that deserves it the most, which goes against everything this show is about. Also, kinda upset about the lack of torture, and I think that makes me a terrible person. Let’s go…..

-Dragonstone is the obvious place to start. Dany and Jon meet, Missandei goes through all 83 of Dany’s names and Davos is like, aye, this is Jon, King of the North….yeah, that’s it. Jon won’t bend the knee, Dany tells him not to think of her like her father, yet a little bit of the Mad King comes out with each word and I wish she would just embrace the insanity. Jon tries to tell them about the Army of the Dead and everyone thinks he’s crazy, except Tyrion because he knows Jon a little and knows he wouldn’t lie about something as crazy as this. Davos tries to pipe up and tell Dany that Jon united the wildlings and the the Wall to fight the White Walkers, and almost tells them about the whole “knife to the heart and coming back to life” and Jon is like, YO, CHILL, THEY AIN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW. Long story short is that all this shit is moot when the Walkers come, but since they’re both being stubborn, Dany sends Jon and Davos to their quarters and says that they’re not her prisoners…..not yet. She also gets word from Varys that Euron jacked Yara and company, so they’ll figure out the Jon shit later.

-Jon and Tyrion meet up and again, Tyrion says he believes Jon, along with Jeor Mormont (Jorah’s father, ex-Commander of the Night’s Watch) as they’ve both claimed to have seen the White Walkers. Tyrion also wants Jon to know that he wants to help, but he needs to know what he can actually do because Dany ain’t tryna hear about this White Walker thing right now. He then goes to Dany and is like, yo, you give him the dragonglass underneath Dragonstone because seriously, you’re not using it, so it’s useless to you. Jon, in turn, is an ally in this Cersei/Euron thing that is about to go down. Everyone is happy. Dany said it best early in the episode when Jon said that Tyrion likes to talk, and she says that everyone likes what they’re good at. No one on the show is better at talking than Tyrion…..one person comes close, but we’ll sadly get to her in a bit.

-Jon meets Dany and the two come to an agreement that she’ll let him mine the dragonglass, with men and equipment. Jon doesn’t say that he’ll help against Cersei, but he doesn’t say that he doesn’t, so I guess that’s an agreement? Jon asks Dany if she believes him about the White Walkers and shit, and Dany’s like, sure, fine, get to work, we’ll talk about ya little ghosts and shit later.

-Theon’s fuck ass gets rescued by a boat. They could have let him drown. They should have let him drown. They ask him what happened to Yara, and ask why he is still alive if he tried to help her, WHICH HE DIDN’T. He’s trash. Pure and utter trash. Fuck his PTSD. Fuck his castration. Fuck him. And they’re setting him up for this big, stupid redemption that he doesn’t deserve one little bit. He might be my most hated character in the history of the show, and that’s more than Joffrey and Ramsay. He’s the worst.

-We’ll go back to Dragonstone in a bit, but next, it’s off to the Citadel, where the Archmaester figures out that Sam treated Lord Friendzone and he’s all good to go now. Jorah thanks Sam and says that he hopes their paths cross again, which they obviously will, likely in Dragonstone. But Sam gets no love from the Archmaester, who orders him to make copies of these dirty-ass manuscripts, and he’s lucky he ain’t get fired. But Sam is smart and he’ll find something in those manuscripts. Something other than AIDS or the ‘scale. You could smell the stank comin’ off ’em through the screen.

-On to Winterfell, where Sansa realizes that they don’t have enough food for the winter. Littlefinger then goes on this little rant about fighting everyone and everything, not just Cersei. Jon gotta get back there or Winterfell will be ashes in Littlefinger’s pocket by the time he is done. However, they’re interrupted by someone telling Sansa that Bran is there. Bran is stone-faced as Sansa cries, and they head out to the Godswood Tree (I had no idea it had a name, I always called it the Face Tree). Anyway, Bran is all, “I’m The Three-Eyed Raven” and Sansa is all, I’ve no clue what the hell that means, and she wants him to explain it, but rightfully, Bran says it’s complicated and he doesn’t have time to be a Lord of anything. Then he says that he’s sorry about what happened to her, which is what happened on her wedding night with Ramsay, and Sansa is like, the fuck did you know about that, and runs off. Bran is a very strange little boy/young man/I’ve no idea how old he is anymore. Somewhere between 14 and 72. I can’t wait for him to drop the Jon/Dany bomb, that shit’s about to be SO GOOD.

-At King’s Landing, Euron leads Yara, Ellaria and Tyene through the streets, where they get the treament Cersei did on her Walk of Atonement. He takes his gift to Cersei, who in return makes him the Commander of the navy, while Jaime is the Commander of the army. Euron gets a couple bars off about needing tips from Jaime about how to have sex with Cersei, and Jaime says he should get his head out on a spike, but Euron says they’ll deal with each other later, which will be fun.

-Cersei is in a cell with Qyburn, FrankenMountain, Ellaria and Tyene, and Cersei goes on about Oberyn’s death, which she rightfully says would have been a win for him if he wasn’t tryna prematurely party. Then she goes on about Ellaria murdering Myrcella, and tries to figure out how she’s going to kill them. She could have FrankenMountain crush their skulls, but that would be too quick and easy. So instead, she kisses Tyene with the same poison that Ellaria killed Myrcella with, and she has to watch her daughter turn to bone and dust. She also says that they’ll force food down her throat so she doesn’t try to starve herself to death. That’s pretty awful…..but I was waiting for torture because Game Of Thrones has conditioned me to be an awful person. But hey, life goes on. Either way, it’s still pretty bad.

-Cersei and Jaime have the sex, because that’s what they do, dirtyin’ sheets and shit. Then Cersei meets up with Tycho, someone from the Iron Bank. Long story short, Cersei gets the Iron Bank (to whom the Lannisters already owe a grip to) to back her over Dany, who has killed the slave trade, which is one of their biggest revenue streams. Very Tywin-esque of Cersei and Tycho says as much. Cersei is becoming a little too smart. She’s gon’ die soon.

-OH, almost forgot about Varys and Melisandre, who tells Varys that she and Jon didn’t exactly leave on good terms. Varys says that he doesn’t think that she should come back to Westeros, but Melisandre says she’ll be back, she has to die there, as does Varys. Ominous and all, but a lot happened in this episode and I don’t have time to unpack all that.

-Quickly, back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion is plotting out how they’re gon’ take Casterly Rock. The place will be well-guarded, but the best way to go through is via the sewers, where Tyrion had to sneak in prostitutes past his father. And the plan works as the Unsullied go in and wreck shop, led by Grey Worm……but he’s like, where are the rest of the Lannisters? There should be many more…..

-…..Jaime wound up taking the squad to Highgarden, where they rolled over the Tyrells easily enough. Meanwhile, Euron and his people were firing all sorts of arrows and fire at the Targaryen ships that brought Grey Worm and ’em. Sucks about Grey Worm. Life got too good for my man with Missandei. He gotta die now.

-Jaime walks in on Lady O, who knows the end is coming. He learned from his loss to Robb Stark at the Whispering Wood, and that Casterly Rock doesn’t really mean that much anymore, outside of childhood memories. Lady O does get a couple bars off tho, managing to call Joffrey a cunt and a coward all at once, and she tells Jaime that Cersei is a monster, but she also realizes that he actually does love her, incest and all. She says that Cersei will be the end of him, and Jaime is like, fuck all this, I got this poison for you to drink so Cersei doesn’t torture you. She drinks it, but before he leaves, Lady O tells Jaime that it was her that killed Joffrey, that she had never seen the poison work before, and that it wasn’t Tyrion’s fault at all. She hit him with the, “and I want Cersei to know that it was me”…….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I stood and clapped up in that mufucka. The Queen of Thorns stays with those quips. I’ma miss Lady O. Pound-for-pound, one of the best characters in the show.

Well, here we are. The next episode will be the halfway point, and Dany now needs to make a move because she’s getting worked. I think she realizes that, she’s been listening to everyone else and now, she’s doing what she want because motherfucker, she has dragons. We’ll probably check in on Arya, who should be close to Winterfell now, but she could also run into The Hound. Bran will probably say something creepy again. Cersei will be drinking wine and being nefarious. And Grey Worm gotta get his people outta Casterly Rock. I read somewhere that Game Of Thrones officially hit the gas with this episode. They were right. Let’s do this.

Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.

Game Of Thrones S07E01- Dragonstone

The king is back. It seems like forever that the sixth season of Game Of Thrones had ended, but here we are, kicking off Season 7 with “Dragonstone”. There is no sense bitching about it being a shorter season (the episodes are longer, though); just sit back and enjoy these next seven weeks, because Season 8 ain’t gon’ be out for a long-ass minute. Let’s go……

-Suppose we should talk about the beginning first, yeah? It’s always fun with GOT kicks off right away with a scene, instead of the credits. Here, we have Walder Frey, who is doing something for his people and giving them their second feast within a fortnight. So obviously, you should know something is about to go down. Remember, we last saw Walder getting his throat cut by Arya in the same manner as her mother. And also, why would you think that Walder friggin’ Frey would do anything nice for anyone? As soon as he told his daughter/wife beside him not to drink the wine, I was like, yup, he’s poisoning them. That alone makes Arya the MVP for this episode. She walked out that joint like Antonio Banderas in the bar scene in “Desperado”.

-We’ll finish her off now as Arya stumbles upon some Lannister soldiers in the woods, and they share her rabbit meat and wine with her. Also, Ed Sheeran shows up and he is singing his new song, apparently. Maisie Williams (Arya) is a big fan, and he loves the show, so they hooked her up. It’s not a big deal, everyone. He was on screen for like, 45 seconds. You’ll be fine. Anyway, she tells them that she’s going to kill the Queen, and everyone laughs after a second. Oooooooh, if only y’all knew.

-Who is left on Arya’s kill list? Cersei, FrankenMountain, Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and Ilyn Payne. You’ll know who they are when you read about ’em.

-Alright, on to Cersei, who is making a giant war map of Westeros to figure out her next plan, which likely involves killing everyone and everything. Jaime tells Cersei that they need allies because everyone is against them, but Cersei isn’t shook, she’s all about creating this dynasty. She also knows that Tyrion is with Dany, who wants the throne back, and Jaime says that they’ll be going to Dragonstone, which is where she was born, and there is deep enough water for her ships to drop anchor. So Cersei is like, you want allies? Cool. She calls up Euron Greyjoy, who is now the king of House Greyjoy and apparently, he got his 1000 ships made, which makes no sense as half of his people left with Yara and Theon, but hey, details, schmetails. Jaime isn’t a fan of this plan as he doesn’t think much of the Greyjoys, both as being loyalty or when it comes to fighting. However, he did want to stab Euron then and there after Euron, following a marriage proposal to Cersei, said that he was there with ships and two good hands. Jaime had to bite his tongue like shit. Euron then says that he’ll be back with a gift, and I assume that gift is Tyrion’s head. He said earlier that Cersei should try killing her brother as he did, and it feels good. Also, Yara and Theon are with Dany and Tyrion, so there is that.

-On to the Citadel, which is where Sam is learning to be a maester, but really, nah. All he does is serve food that looks like actual shit, and then he cleans the actual shit, and plays librarian. He wants to move the process along, but the Archmeister, even though he believes that Sam has seen the White Walkers, tells him to chill and that the Wall will stand as it always has. However, Sam steals a kep and gets a book that tells him there is a bunch of dragonglass underneath Dragonstone. Sam was told this by Stannis, who took over Dragonstone, but he didn’t believe. Sam is collecting bowls of food when he is grabbed by an arm that looks all sorts of fucked up, and the person asks if the Dragon Queen was back yet. That’s gotta be Jorah, right? That arm looked mighty greyscaled. I’m not going back to look at the silhouette, but I’d bet that it’s Jorah.

-Let’s head to the North next, where Jon Snow wants everyone ready for war and that they need dragonglass. Some dude is like, really, the women though? Lyanna Mormont steps up and like, yeah, b, us too, you got a problem with that? She’s so good. I can see her getting some sort of nomination for something if she gets a lot of speaking parts this season. Jon also wants to work with the Umbers and Karstarks, although Sansa is against it as their former leaders fought with Ramsay Bolton, but they’re dead now, as Jon points out. Jon and Sansa have a public tiff which they really should have talked about before they went into this meeting. But Jon is right for the most part because they really need every single person for this war, which is and has always been the overarching story of Game Of Thrones. All this petty shit won’t mean anything when the White Walkers come.

-Oh, before I forget. We see the White Walkers, led by the Night’s King. They’re walking. They’re white. They have mufuckin’ giants, bruh. GIANTS.

-Back to the North, where Jon and Sansa go back and forth about how to rule, and Sansa wants him to watch out for Cersei, which again, is petty and will be the downfall of Cersei and Sansa. Definitely Cersei, who sends a letter telling the North to bow to her. Also, Brienne and Pod are sparring with swords, well, Brienne is actually just kicking his ass until Tormund shows up and starts giving her the “when you gon’ let me get a shot at the title, girl” eyes. Brienne goes to Sansa and says that she doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who showed up earlier, and Sansa doesn’t trust him either, but they need men as they did against Ramsay. Sansa also says she knows what Littlerfinger wants, so her and Brienne have something in common: these men won’t leave us alone, dammit.

-The Hound is riding around with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and they find a house to chill in for the night because it’s damn cold. The Hound is like, these people don’t want us here and if you watched the “previously on Game Of Thrones” part, you’ll know that he and Arya ran across this farmer and his daughter way back in Season 4. Anyway, they’re dead now and the guess is that the farmer killed himself and his daughter before they starved to death. The Hound asks Beric why the Lord of Light keeps bringing him back to life because there isn’t anything special about him. Beric is like, dude, I don’t know, I ask myself that shit every day. But then he and Thoros tell the Hound to look into the fire, which is hilarious because we all know how the Hound feels about fire, and he sees the Wall, and the army of the dead marching, which startles the fuck outta him. So now, he’s starting to get it, well, get something, at least. Then, he goes out and buries the farmer and his daughter with Thoros’ help. What a nice guy.

-At the Wall, Meera and Bran show up to Castle Black, and Edd greets them, but is skeptical about who they are. Bran says that he knows that Edd has seen the White Walkers and that he fought with Jon, and Edd is like, seems about right. He lets them in. Bran still can’t walk. Meera gotta be tired as shit draggin’ his big ass around.

-Finally, we get to Dragonstone, where Dany, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei and the crew show up. Not much happens here, although we get that Dany is home. They walk silently throughout the place, and they get to the throne room, where Dany looks at the battle board and says to Tyrion, “shall we begin?”. It’s about to be fuckin’ ON.

And that was the first episode of what is setting up to be a massive, massive season of Game Of Thrones. This episode was 59 minutes, and so will next week, and outside of Episode 4, all of the episodes are of extra length. There are a few characters left to catch up on, such as Lady O (aligned with Dany and Cersei is not happy about it because she has all the food). Melisandre is somewhere catfishing people. Cersei is also lookin’ to get back to Dorne and get at the Sand Snakes, too, because petty lives matter. But really, if it ain’t about the Great War, I’m not tryna hear it.

Welcome back, Game Of Thrones. You’ve been missed.