Tag Archives: Evan Peters

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 10

The sixth season of American Horror Story came to an end last night with arguably the best finale of the bunch. Was it enough to launch it to the top of the AHS pantheon? Let’s go….

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-Let’s start with the Crack’d series that was a look back at the whole story, starting with the My Roanoke Nightmare cast at Paleyfest, signing autographs, answering questions, all that, taking place before everyone went back to the house. A girl even flew over to the States from England to go to this place, which shows how big My Roanoke Nightmare really was, and this whole season has been about our fascination with reality television. Hell, we put….actually, I’m not gon’ get into politics right now, just know that this fascination is fucked. It was good to see everyone in the cast one final time before everyone had their shit rocked.

-Then it moved on to Lee’s murder trial, and she still manages to get off despite the tapes, people seeing the tapes, and Flora being put on the stand because the jury boiled all this down to “ghost stories”. A statement on how fucked the justice system is? Probably. But you gotta remember that Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk were also behind American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson, which got all the acclaim and I still need to see it. But, it makes sense it would look back at the trial and how the hell Lee got off, but she didn’t really, because she lost Flora, who admitted that she saw Lee kill her ex-husband. But it was Lee that told her lawyer to bring up the ghost stories, because Lee ain’t shit. But she got off, so I guess that’s a win.

-Next, it’s a look at The Lana Winters Show, bringing back one of the main characters from Season 2’s Asylum. It also gives me a chance to heap more praise on Sarah Paulson, because the Fake Shelby character was hot garbage. She brings Lee on the show to tell her side, and Lee fires back that Lana killed her son, Bloody Face, or Bloody Face 2, I don’t know, it was a long time ago and I actually hate Asylum, but that’s for another day. But they’re interrupted by gunfire as Lot Polk, who made a YouTube video earlier in the episode threatening Lee. He’s mad because she killed his mother and brother, I believe, and he appears at the show with a machine gun. Lana tries to reason with him, saying the world needs to hear his story, and gets greeted with a gunbutt to the face for her troubles because as Lot says, she talks too much. He is about to kill Lee, but he is shot by the cops. Lee runs out because before this, Lana confronted her with the news that Flora had disappeared. So Lee runs out, and I’m wondering where the hell the cops were through all this. But the cops ain’t been shit this season on AHS at all, so it’s not surprising.

-Moving on to the next show, Spirit Chasers, which is basically three people chasing ghosts. So of course, they go to the Roanoke house, during the blood, and they’re trespassing because they’re badass. It’ll be so good when they die at the hands of the Butcher, her people and YOOOOOO……DID THE MOON SHOOT ARROWS AT PEOPLE? HAHAHAHAHA WHAT WAS THAT? They also got Ashley/Cricket, the spirit guy from earlier in the season, and they all go through the house, where they run into Lee, who still isn’t being followed by the cops. Lee kinda goes into a trance, but she doesn’t even kill anyone, instead she warns them to get out. But them, being badass frat boys, they think they is cool, until Ashley/Cricket gets cut in the chest by Piggy Man. That’s what it took for them to realize that shit ain’t a game, and one by one, they all die. Good for them. Those shows are such hot garbage.

-Lee eventually finds Flora, who has been runnin’ around with her little ghost friend, Priscilla, for two weeks in the woods. Lee wants Flora to come with her and she’s like, NOAP, I’ma stay here and protect Priscilla from the Butcher, because that’s a great plan. However, Lee comes up with a solution, she’ll kill herself and stay with Priscilla to protect her because her relationship with Flora is essentially done, so she might as well try to salvage something. Flora asks Priscilla if it’s okay and she agrees because why the hell not. By this time, the cops and the news have arrived and it’s a big to-do, because nothing happens in the world without TV cameras now (MESSAGE). There is an explosion and Flora walks out the house like nothing happened, and Lee lets Priscilla shoot her in the chest. Flora waves to them as she is driven away, and that’s the end of that.

HAHAHAHAHA DAMMIT I WAS RIGHT, Y’ALL. I said Flora would be the last person standing and while I totally wavered a bit, I was right because if you make enough guesses, you gotta be right at some point. But from start to finish, this might be my favorite season of AHS, definitely the best sine Season 1’s Murder House. Coven was always up there until that fuckery of a finale, and every other series had its moments. But this was consistent, full of garbage and trash, it was campy, it was kinda sweet…..it was pretty good. MVP of the season was…..hmmmm, I dunno, probably Lily Rabe as Real Shelby. She was deadass messed up from killing Real Matt, and that scene was excellent. Second was probably Kathy Bates, shitty accent and all, and I’m on board now….she gotta have an accent every season. A shitty one, too.

I think there is a trailer out for Season 7, or a picture or something, but I’m not dealing with that yet, there is all kinds of time to go over that. But you can tell that the next few seasons of AHS will be even more intertwined going forward, so I might need to do some rewatches of past seasons, particularly Asylum, which I’ve been saying months and probably still won’t do. But that was a fun season of American Horror Story, and I’ll leave you with the AHS Pantheon Power Rankings.

  1. Murder House
  2. My Roanoke Nightmare
  3. Coven
  4. Freak Show
  5. Hotel
  6. Asylum

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 6

Aye….so the recaps are back, stuff has been kinda hectic around these parts with moving across the country, and getting used to Atlantic time again. American Horror Story airs at like, 11 PM, so needless to say, I’ll be watching it on Thursday morning. Anyway, Chapter 6 was billed as this big twist that would shake up this season, and it did, giving us the worst fight in the history of AHS. Let’s go…….

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-Oh, before I start, I assume if you’re reading this, you’ve seen all the episodes. Two things: it took me at least two episodes to figure out that it was Lady Gaga playing ol’ girl that Matt was having sex with (but not remembering), and I wonder when she’ll be back. Then, the worst part of the first five episodes was when Incest Mom banged Shelby’s ankle with, like, a crowbar or some blunt object. That shit looked like it HURT.

-We learn right off the bat that My Roanoke Nightmare beat out Sunday Night Football, The Walking Dead and Empire in terms of viewers. First, SNF ratings are down this year and this still wouldn’t beat it. It’s definitely not beating The Walking Dead and Empire, maybe, but it’s not even on Sunday night. It comes on Wednesdays, same night as AHS, and y’all ain’t that good, so don’t throw stones. For whatever reason, for all the fuckery that this episode contained, that bothered me the most.

-That was a boost to Sidney, the producer who is played by Cheyenne Jackson, who was Will Drake last year in Hotel. He rolled up on the execs and pitched a new series: take everyone back to the Roanoke house, the real people AND the re-enactment actors, and film them over the blood-moon period, which is when shit was supposed to go crazy there. Sidney even bought the house from Matt and Shelby for cheap, so they have that, and the execs give ’em 13 episodes. But then Sidney’s assistant, Diana tells him that Shelby won’t participate. Geez, I wonder why? I wonder which part she picked to tell Diana that shit wasn’t going down?

-Turns out that the reason is because Shelby and Matt are now separated, and she had a thing with Dominic, Cuba Gooding Jr., who played Fake Matt. Shelby said that she’ll only do it if Dominic isn’t involved because she wants to get back with Matt and Sidney agrees, but yeah, we all know Dominic is gon’ be there. Within five minutes of meeting him, we know that Sidney is a piece of actual feces.

-The crew goes to the house, where Sidney has rigged up a buncha props to scare everyone and Diana is skeptical, to say the least. I’m a Diana fan right off the bat, which means something is gon’ happen to her. Sidney tries to tell her that the plan for all this is to find out who really killed Mason, Lee’s (Matt’s sister) ex-husband, but Diana knows he doesn’t care. Then the crew finds baby pig fetuses in a circle behind a tree and Sidney says that it is the Polks, the incest family, but they haven’t been seen in weeks apparently. That’s when Diana is like, “yo, we need to get the fuck outta here, b” and Sidney is all, “NAH, it’ll be fine”. It sure will be. Baby pig fetuses (fetusi?) in a perfect circle are completely normal. Goddamn, I want him to die so bad.

-Sidney goes to interview Agnes, aka Fake Butcher, played by Kathy Bates. Apparently, she went crazy and was caught swinging machetes at people and was admitted into a hospital, and Sidney serves her with a restraining order, to which she says, “how can I be on the show if I can’t go near anyone?”. Shit was heartbreaking. Sidney is like, “You’re not ON the show”, and Diana is like, “You know that little restraining order ain’t gon’ stop her, right?”. This is as Agnes is yelling at them like the Butcher. Yeah, we’ll see her again, yelling in terrible accents. Just let Ms. Bates talk in her own voice, bruh.

-Next up is Lee, Real Lee, played by Adina Porter. She wants people to know that she didn’t kill Mason as everyone thinks, so they have her back. However, the issue is more with Fake Lee, whose name is Monet and played by Angela Bassett (who also directed this episode). Monet is an actual alcoholic and the production is legally liable if she does anything, but I’m pretty sure Sidney doesn’t really care about rules. If I’m not mistaken, he might have even smiled as he gave the restraining order to Agnes knowing she’s gon’ wild out. That’s good for ratings because….well, that’s a whole societal thing that I could spend 5,000 words on. Anyway, I’ve never seen UnREAL and I’ve heard it’s great, but from what I’ve gathered, it’s about a reality-tv producer drumming up drama. Yeah dogg, that’s Sidney. He is also the girl from the original Blair Witch joint, who keeps wanting to get more footage and more footage and more footage until everyone is dead. Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm.

-At the house, Sidney and Diana are shown a video of a cast member who has a chainsaw, and it looks like he is being forced to cut his own head off by something. Diana is like, “man, we gotta shut shit down”, and Sidney is like, “nah, we’re good”. Diana finally blows up and gets the hell outta dodge (shoutout to Sidney turning to the cameraman and saying, “did you get that?”), and then films her testimony in a dash cam, and that’s when I knew it was about to go down. She sees what looks like a colonist in the middle of the road, which the camera picks up, but when she turns it around, the Piggy Man is behind her and he promptly kills her. It is then revealed that the police found the footage three months later and her body was never found. Oh yeah, we’ll see that again.

-Next up is Audrey, aka Fake Shelby, played by Sarah Paulson and of course, she has a British accent, which is all the rage in television. There are at least two British (or part-British) people on TWD, Andrew Lincoln (Rick) and Lauren Cohen (Maggie). Firing more shots? Ryan Murphy gettin’ bold as shit, although I might have made that last part up. Anyway, she gets interviewed and is interrupted by Rory, who played Edward, the original owner of the house and played by Evan Peters….again, British. I have a love-hate relationship with Evan Peters in this show, but I fucked with him in Hotel and he’s kinda hilarious here. Rory and Audrey are married now, so that’s out, but then he has to go back to Los Angeles for work. Before he leaves, he sees Agnes, dressed as The Butcher, and she Agnes has apparently been stalking Audrey and yells about a Saturn Award, which Audrey got, but Anges felt she deserved. This is what Sarah Paulson should do for all the Emmys she had stolen for her for AHS, but shoutout to her for finally winning for The People Vs. OJ. She’s basically my acting version of Kanye West: she could do literally anything and I’ma stan for that shit with all my might. Hence, the picture on this recap. It has nothing to do with anything. She’s just great. So don’t even bother coming at me. AND NOW SHE’S DOING AN ACCENT, BRUH.

-Audrey wants to leave, but Shelby gets her to stay and then Lee and Matt, the real ones, show up. Matt and Shelby argue, which means Sidney is happy, and he gives them all phones that just have cameras, so they feel isolated and they can film whatever weird shit he sees in there. Audrey, Rory and Monet all think the real Millers are crazy, but Matt tells them that the blood moon is coming up, so get ready to see some shit. Then we learn, and I assume this is what we’ll see over the next few episodes, that everyone died over the next three days that the moon was out, except for one. We don’t know who that one person is yet, and the show that Sidney planned never made it to the air, we’re just seeing the found footage because if you’re gon’ go full-on Blair Witch (which scared the shit outta me when it came out), might as well, right? All I know is that I hope the one person is Sidney, but right now, my money is on Flora, Lee’s kid. She ain’t in this episode, but we’ll see her….unless AHS just throws characters in the bushes, which they’ve been known to do.

-Oh, I think I forgot to mention earlier that Lee was walking through the house, and she felt something, but didn’t see anything: it was a burned-up man, who is Mason, apparently, so that has to be dealt with.

-Finally, Shelby tries to get back with Matt, who is sleeping in the basement and fuck everything about that. Dominic shows up, Matt attacks him and the two proceed to have, hands down, the worst fight in the history of AHS. At one point, one of them rolls on the other and there is a sleeperhold being attempted, and I had to pause it, I was laughing so hard. They’re broken up, Rory comes running out of the hot tub in his drawls as he was tryna get it in with Audrey, who decides it’s time for a shower. Monet argues with Lee that her method acting for her Lee portrayal turned her into an alcoholic, which is a bit of a stretch. Audrey gets outta the shower and she starts to wipe steam off the mirror, and she sees the Piggy Man, of course. She screams, runs downstairs, Rory goes up to investigate and starts cussing out Sidney, but he is stabbed to death by the Jane sisters, the ones who killed their patients to spell out “MURDER” on the wall. Matt finds the “MURDER” and captures it. And that is that.

The first thing I thought after Chapter 5 was like, that shit ended WAY too happily, so everything is about to go south for these people. Turns out everyone dies anyway, so my theory of everyone being ghosts is still kinda on the table. Yeah, this shit should have never left that boardroom where the execs gave Sidney 13 episodes, but money talks as Sidney broke down how much they’d get from ad revenue. And besides, most television shows are based on terrible decision-making. AHS is going for the gusto now and Wiki only has four more episodes listed (shoutout to the AHS Wikia), so try and keep up because it’s about to get wild.

 

 

 

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E09 – She Wants Revenge

The usual downhill spiral continues on American Horror Story: Hotel with “She Wants Revenge”, which is maddening because the promise is there. Everything was going so well. There is no way they’re sorting this all out in four episodes. Let’s go….

-We open with the Countess talking about how she is a century old now, and she is staring into the hallway where she knows Rudy and Natasha have been hidden, but they’re not there anymore. There should been another episode about this story, or at least split that with the “Ten Commandments Killer” episode. I’m still pissed about that. It didn’t need to be a whole damn episode.

-Oh, shoutout to Gaga for getting a Golden Globe nomination for her role in Hotel. I think she has been great in spite of some bad storytelling. She is up against some stiff competition and shouldn’t win, but I bet she has shocked some people.

-In the present, Will Drake is telling the Countess that he wants a big wedding, but she wants something more intimate. Hell, I forgot they were even getting married because there are 47 storylines, but aight, cool. She just wants him to design her dress and she’ll handle the rest, and then Elizabeth asks Liz to order her some flowers. To which Liz hits her with a “bitch, what?” and tells her to buy her own flowers. He is obviously still salty about what she did to Tristan, which is fair, and all that was missing from this was a finger snap and a neck roll. Elizabeth is still playing the victim and says she did it because Tristan could have never loved Liz because he didn’t know how. Liz don’t care, bruh.

-Elizabeth and Alex are watching the news, and by that, I mean Alex is Elizabeth’s servant and getting her a nice glass of blood, while Elizabeth is chillin’. They see that a man has his blood drained on the news, and witnesses saw children at the scene. I thought they meant the little blond children from the hotel; I forgot all about the kid who had the measles that Alex saved when she had her little buffet at the hospital. Who knew that a show could have multiple crews of child vampires?

-Elizabeth then gets a call from an investigator who says that he found her man, and she goes to a cheap hotel, where she finds Rudy, who escaped the hotel with Natasha. He greets her with a kiss, and Natasha won’t be happy about this.

-But quickly, because the Countess doesn’t like to go too long without a penis, we flash to her at the hotel, riding Donovan. He, of course, catches the feelings and wants her to only be with him and she’s like, cool, I’m getting married on Wednesday, but I should be good to go by Thursday. They’re making a list of people that they’re going to kill, but all we noticed was that Gaga has great boobs, which we can clearly see because FX made them slap some stars over the nipples. Really, what is the point? Just put the titty out there. We can seriously see the whole thing. Stop making us work for nudity.

-After the credits, a trio of people are waiting to check into the hotel, last name: Stormcock. They’re so obviously a porn shoot, but Iris has some zingers. She hits them with that “douchebag convention is over at the Hilton”, how she’ll bring ’em extra towels and shit. This ain’t her first rodeo. Also, we learn that the female porn star doesn’t like getting rimmed, which means a tongue in the ol’ poop chute. I had a completely different definition of rimming, so AHS be outchea educating the people. Iris goes on a speech about how she doesn’t mind porn when it’s done right, but she doesn’t want to enable it anymore since she was turned, and goes up to the room, where she slits Mr. Stormcock’s throat and stabs ol’ girl while the dude runs into the bathroom. Donovan finds her draining the girl of her blood and is impressed with her work, but she tells him that it isn’t safe for him at the hotel, and the Countess would find out they are working together with Ramona. Mmmmmhmmmm……Donovan is about to rat you out. That Countess vagina is a helluva thing. Before he leaves, he kills the dude in the bathroom; we don’t see it, but it’s easy to make that assumption. –

-Also, she told Donovan that Elizabeth confronted her about Bartholomew The Gerber Baby going missing, and she ratted Ramona out to Elizabeth, but didn’t say that she and Donovan were involved. Not your best work, Iris.

-Will is getting Lachlan ready for the wedding, and Lachlan still can’t believe that his dad is marrying a woman, and Will explains the idea of bisexuality to his son. You can see “The More You Know” flashing on the screen, but like a true child, Lachlan isn’t really caring about what his father is saying because kids ain’t shit. Out of nowhere comes Miss Evers, who warns Will against marrying the Countess and tells him that it is basically like committing suicide. Will tells her to get out and she leaves, but not before she says that she can’t wait to clean the shit out of his clothes after Elizabeth kills him. Yo, has Will ALWAYS been that orange? That’s some Jersey Shore spray tanning. Also, Miss Evers says that Elizabeth will bleed him dry and Will is like, I got this prenup and she’s like, uhhhh……that’s not what I mean at all.

-Elizabeth talks to a contractor to install a new door, to fill the hole that is hiding the hallway where Rudy and Natasha was. He tells her that it’ll be impossible to do it in 24 hours, and March pops up to play foreman, telling him what he needs to do and how to do it because he has had experience with these kinds of rooms. She slaps him when the contractor leaves and she is pissed that he locked up Rudy and Natasha, and never wants to see him again. He just wants his monthly dinners, and she wants the door done by the morning, so that appears to be the trade-off, because Countess vagina gets what she wants.

-Donovan heads to Ramona’s with a gift, and it’s the male porn star, so he didn’t kill him….not yet anyway. Ramona calls Donovan a pussy for getting back with the Countess, and he says it’s all a part of the plan as he is getting married and will be distracted. Meanwhile, Angela Bassett dominates the screen and they could be talking about ice cream for all I know.

-Then we get into the best part of the episode: Ramona tells the story of her parents, which is where she went after Elizabeth broke her heart. They were both sick, but her mother passed away and her father got worse with Alzheimer’s. Then the house got broken into and two robbers almost beat him to death, and Ramona fed him her blood to try and keep him alive, and hopefully slow down the Alzheimer’s. It kept him alive, but didn’t help the disease and Ramona had to kill more to feed him blood to keep him going until one night, she came home and he had killed two more intruders. He didn’t understand what was going on, so Ramona fed him Xanax, I believe, one of those drugs, and drowned him in a tub. Over the years, she has fumed over what Elizabeth has taken from her, while being mad that people are now watching her movies for free on the internet, and Ryan Murphy is dropping all kinds of messages in these streets this season. She wants revenge on Elizabeth, and plans to get it. This really could have been the plot of the entire season and I would have been fine. Give me all the Angela Bassett, please.

-Alex goes to a house where a pizza is being delivered, and the house is Max’s, the measles kid. He and his friends are chowing down on the pizza delivery guy, and Alex tells them that they’ll be found out soon because the pizza place will wonder where he is. The kids’ plan is basically to eat everyone in their way, and they’ve already eaten their parents, and now one of them wants to eat the kids that don’t want to eat people. Is this cannibalism or vampirism? Can it be both? Anyway, these kids are assholes and they leave Alex to talk to the cops. Kids make stupid plans, I think is the moral of this story.

-Donovan had told Ramona that he drugged Elizabeth to put her out, which of course was a lie, and she wakes up, and Donovan tases Ramona. He takes her to the dungeon to put her in the same contraption that housed the two blond girls from earlier in the season and Iris is confused about the plan, to which Donovan is like, “Bitch, there is no plans, I lied and am under the spell of Countess vagina”, or something similar to that. Donovan thinks he is the only one for Elizabeth, and Iris scoffs, and Ramona wakes up in time to second that scoff. Dogg…..how many times has she done this? Why do you think you’re special? Her vagina is the truth, bruh.

-Meanwhile, Elizabeth is back at the hotel with Rudy, and Finn Dogg is trying to sound Italian, but it is coming off super Russian. Like, Putin Russian. There is no Italian in this at all. Dude sounds like a villain from GoldenEye. Anyway, they’re about to kiss and Natasha struts in from a shopping trip as Elizabeth gave her a credit card, and we realize that it is Alexandra Daddario, whom you may remember from the first season of True Detective. I think Woody Harrelson was having sex with her? Anyway, she was naked and it set the internet on fire for like, 24 hours. Elizabeth invites her to a night at the hotel and Natasha is afraid of March being there, but Elizabeth tells her that he is dead and she’ll be fine….which means she’s obviously about to kill her so she can be with Rudy. Natasha knows something is up with Elizabeth and Rudy, while Elizabeth leaves and is seen by Donovan, who I keep forgetting, is a heroin addict and I’ve been giving him too much credit.

-Elizabeth and Will get married in the hotel lobby, and Elizabeth’s dress is pretty awful. Liz objects to the whole proceedings on the grounds that Elizabeth is a bitch, but no one seems to care because they just need a witness. Lachlan just wants to go upstairs after the wedding because kids don’t care, and Elizabeth wants to change into travelling clothes because they’re going to Paris. Before that, she walks up to Liz threateningly, but only gives him a bouquet and wishes that he finds true love….oh yeah, Liz will die before this is all over.

-At the bar, Will is joined by March for a congratulatory drink, and March says something about blended families, to which Will is like, yeah, she loves my son. March is like, ummmmm, nah bruh, you ain’t met her son yet? So he walks him up to Gerber Baby’s room and Will is obviously horrified, when Elizabeth walks in and knocks his ass out for saying all sorts of ignorant shit about her child in true motherly fashion.

-He wakes up in the same room as Ramona, who persuades him to let her out, but while he is running around and screaming for help, we realize that he is in the sealed chamber, so I guess Elizabeth got her door done. Will is like, we gon’ starve and Ramona is like, um, I won’t….and then proceeds to buffet his face and life. Elizabeth is watching this on a screen from her room, while Miss Evers laughs at Will because she’s petty and was right.

It isn’t that I hated this episode, or even how AHS does this every season, because this show is always entertaining and the fuckery is right around the corner. But at the end of every episode, I have an arm’s length of questions that need answering and I get frustrated because I know they won’t be. They made John a huge part of the story and he wasn’t even in this episode. Shoot, is anyone gon’ notice that he killed the black cop? Still no sign of Scarlett, the blond kids from the hotel and now they have to figure out what to do with the measles army. Did Alex have to talk to the cops to cover for them? What is gon’ happen to Lachlan? He’ll notice his father is missing at some point, right? Will he be the Darth Vader of the vampire children, or avenge his father’s death? Shit, what about Sally? And I assume Rapey Drillbit is done?

I hope I’m wrong about all this. But it’s American Horror Story and I’m probably not.

 

 

 

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E08 – The Ten Commandments Killer

American Horror Story: Hotel returned after a week off with “The Ten Commandments Killer”, which follows what I thought was the best episode of the season, “Flicker”. Of course, that was the wee I decided to take off, but the Countess’ backstory continues to be the best part of Hotel, and it should get more play, but it’s AHS, which means there are 14 other things they need to focus on. Let’s go….

-We open with Wren’s suicide from the last episode, and he flashes back to seeing her in a coffin, while people standing around the scene are like, should we call the cops on this mufucka? Seems pretty suspicious since he just kinda runs away. Anyway, he runs back to the hotel, where Liz is putting on makeup and seems to be over the Tristan death, and John runs up on Liz demanding answers. Liz is like, you better watch your tone, bruh, and says that Wren was full of lies. He grabs Liz, who I think would kick his ass, but Sally steps in and says she has the answers he wants. Liz also gives him a gun in case he finds what he is looking for. Here is a hint: if I need a gun, I don’t need to look for it. But I would have left the hotel a long time ago.

-They go to Room 64, and Sally tells John that this was March’s office, where he died on a February 25th, and it was 2:25 am when he died, so that explains that. Behind a wall, John finds a hidden room, where he finds a number of body parts, ranging from murders in 1926 to the recent killings that he was investigating. Through a series a quick flashbacks, it is revealed that, viola, John is the Ten Commandments Killer, just like I said like four episodes ago. That was some bootleg Usual Suspects shit. Why else would he have been invited to the serial-killer party?

-John’s partner, whose name is Hahn apparently, is looking over Wren’s corpse and asks another cop to go and check on John’s family; when that cop leaves, John shows up out of nowhere and tries to confess that he is the Killer. He says that he first went to the hotel in 2010, where he met the likes of Liz, Sally and Donovan and he was still drinking at the time. They interrupt the monthly dinner of March and the Countess, and March was PISSED because he doesn’t get much time with her. He starts yelling, I don’t know what he is even saying and combined with the 1920s accent, I’m in tears. Evan Peters is just destroying this season. Good for him. Anyway, March sees something in John and kicks everyone out, even the Countess.

-These mufuckas talked and drank absinthe for two days, which I’m not sure is even possible. John passes out and talks to Elizabeth about bringing John into the fold, and she’s like, aight cool, I’ll kidnap his son and we’ll get this poppin’. Then John wakes up in a car outside of his house, not knowing what is going on, and walks in his house, where Alex is like, dogg, I don’t care where you’ve been. Holden cares and runs up on John, who says he’ll take him to the carnival, which is where he gets jacked by Elizabeth. Things are moving quickly in this episode, and they’re saying a lot…..but not saying a lot, you know?

-John continues telling Hahn his story of a double life, which takes place at the hotel as well as at home, where they’re still tryna find Holden. March thinks that he should get justice for his son, and shows him his accountant’s head, a trophy from someone who tried to wrong him. John returns to the hotel on Holden’s tenth birthday in 2015 and March shows him pictures of a man, Martin Gamboa, who was allegedly molesting a 10-year-old at the hotel, trying to get John to go after him. John offers to meet Gamboa via Craigslist, where he offered to buy his Oscar from him, and after showing Gamboa the pictures, he beats him to death with the Oscar. Then he tries to hang himself and pass over to the ghost world, like Sally, but March reminds Sally of their deal: he will protect her from the Addiction Demon, if he keeps bringing people to him. Hahn does confirm that Sally is indeed a person that killed herself at the hotel, but he is still skeptical of the story itself. A lot of us are, Hahn.

-John barely remembers any of this happening, but Sally tells him that the hotel suppresses his memories, and March tells him that he needs to finish the legacy of the original Ten Commandments Killer. I’m not sure if it’s Wes Bentley or the writing, or something, but something just isn’t jiving well with all this. I’m happy I was right about John being the Killer, but the way that they got here, I don’t know if it’s too complex or too easy.

-Whatever Krampus is, it looks like it sucks, b.

-So, John goes about assigning himself to the Ten Commandments Killer case, which he uses to visit crime scenes and cover up evidence. While he is in bed with Sally, John realizes that Alex has been having an affair with Hahn, who he then stabs repeatedly and Hahn says that he doesn’t deserve Alex. Shoot, he might be right, and Alex ain’t shit. He says to Hahn that he shouldn’t covet his neighbor’s wife, because commandments. He goes back to the hotel, where Iris is happy because she never knew which John she was getting from visit to visit. She tries to get him to never come back, but John is like, NOAP, and wants to go see March in Room 64. He also has a bloody paper bag….which apparently has Hahn’s penis and testicles in it to add to the Ten Commandments Killer trophies.

I have so many problems with this episode and John’s story that I don’t know where to start. Do we know who the OG Ten Commandments Killer is? Why didn’t he just stay away from the hotel in the first place?  If he drank absinthe for two days with March, why did he pass out like a little bitch during the serial-killer party? How is he gon’ be mad at Alex for sleeping with Hahn when he was sleeping with a fucking ghost Sally? When is Wren gon’ come back? Do we even know where Alex and Holden are? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS SCARLETT? As I said, I don’t know what it is, but they’re spending a ton of time on the least interesting character of the season and I don’t know who is at fault for it, but I couldn’t care less about John Lowe or anything he is going through.

That’s not even counting the stuff with Ramona, and the next two episodes have the word “revenge” in the title, so she’ll be back at some point. Don’t forget about Bartholomew the Gerber baby, Will Drake and his son are still around somewhere, and Donovan made a brief appearance here, but I assume he is still aligned with Ramona?

Sigh. This is where it all starts to go downhill for Hotel. They better start wrapping up these loose ends soon before there is another mess of a finale. My expectations are mad low for AHS right now

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E4 – Devil’s Night

What would American Horror Story be without their annual Halloween madness? Hotel continues the trend with “Devil’s Night”, which is straightforward and to the point. But before we go further, let’s rank the past four Halloween AHS joints

  1. Asylum –  Asylum was still ascending when they hit “Nor’Easter”, which was the third episode of the season. Lily Rabe starts to become her crazed-nun character, while Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters run into some shit in the woods and Chloe Sevigny gets her legs cut off. I REALLY need to re-watch Asylum. Those last 4-5 episodes were trash, tho.

2.  Murder House – A two-part episode called “Halloween”, because fuck tryna think of a name.        A dead doctor tries to sew animal parts on his dismembered child, while “pretty girl” Jamie          Brewer gets hit by a car and dies. Dylan McDermott’s side piece (Kate Mara) comes back to          life, and Jessica Lange reveals that Evan Peters was really her dead son, to the surprise of            Taissa Farmiga. It’s here where you were like, “Oh. So this is what AHS is all about. Fuckery.”

3. Freak Show – The Edward Mordrake joints, dude who killed people because a face on the back     of his head told him to. But really, the best parts were the backstories for Kathy Bates and           Twisty The Clown.

4.  Coven – Another two-parter, Evan Peters kills his molestful mother, we get Gaby Sidibe vs. the     Minotaur, Lily Rabe shows up to bring Frances Conroy back to life, the witches vs. voodoo war     kicks off, there is a zombie party and Sarah Paulson goes blind. Minotaurs are in last place.         Welcome to American Horror Story.

Let’s go………..

-We open with a dude bursting through the front door of the Hotel Cortez, and we learn that it is Richard Ramirez, who has a standing invitation for Devil’s Night, and he wishes that Charlie could join them…..yep, Charles Manson, who is somehow still alive. I learned, via our weekly viewing crew, that Richard Ramirez was a serial killer known as the Night Stalker, and he did his work in Los Angeles and San Francisco. If nothing else, Ryan Murphy and crew love to take historical shit and build their series around it. Liz takes him to his room, and he has a gift waiting for him: it is a sleeping couple, who he, of course, brutally kills. Well, he kills the man, but the woman gets away and runs into James March, and she thought he was gon’ save her. NOAP. So March is hosting serial-killer parties on Halloween. Sounds about right.

-John gets a call from Scarlett, who is at her grandmother’s and she doesn’t really wanna go trick-or-treating, which is fair. John is like, yeah, that’s cool, I should probably go though because there is blood pouring from the ceiling. Well, he doesn’t tell her that, but there is blood pouring from the ceiling, all over his diagrams of the Ten Commandments Killer, who really isn’t even a storyline, but we came up with some theories about that, which I’ll get to at the end.

-John goes upstairs and knocks on a door to a room, where Miss Evers is tryna get out stains, because that is what she does….however, this stain keeps reappearing, which makes the job pretty damn difficult. She lets John in and proceeds to go into her backstory, which also involves her losing her child, Albert, who I bet we’ll see again at some point. He was literally right behind her when he got snatched up by some perv and taken to a farm, where he is presumably killed. She tells him all this, and John is like, so someone else gets it, and she gets all worked up about the night’s party before leaving. But John, being a good cop, doesn’t ask her about the blood, which he even sees in the bathroom, and he’s just like, well, chalk it up to the game. Our viewing party isn’t feeling John. He’s kinda the worst. Just MEH.

-Alex has taken Holden home and she takes his temperature, which is at 75, but nah, he’s not cold. The dog is frightened, so Alex puts it in the bathroom and then Holden says he is thirsty, so she goes into the kitchen to pour them some juice. She starts to cry in the kitchen, but shit only gets worse when she returns to the living room, and as soon as I saw the dog, I was like, Holden’s gon’ eat that mufucka. Guess what? Holden ATE that mufucka and has the nerve to say he isn’t feeling well. Between this and Fear The Walking Dead, it hasn’t been a good TV year for dogs. He also says that he wants his other mommy, which is a kick in the junk for Alex.

-John does a little bit of research to find that the murders that Miss Evers were talking about are the Wineville murders, which happened 85 years ago and they had to change the name of the town. YOOOOOO……85 YEARS, DOGG. WHY ARE YOU STILL STAYING THERE? This also happened in real life. There is a lot of background research this season.

-Alex takes Holden back to the hotel, where he decides that he needs to nap in his coffin, and Alex is like, the fuck is going on? There, she runs into Elizabeth, looking elgantly ghoulish as Lady Gaga tends to do in real life anyway. Elizabeth says she saves children from neglect and Alex says that Holden wasn’t neglected, but Elizabeth might have been talking about John, who went to answer Alex’s call and she probably kept him on the line over some bullshit, which is when Elizabeth snatched him up. Elizabeth explains that Holden has a virus and if Alex has it, she can spend eternity with Holden, and then Alex pulls out a gun, but Elizabeth looks at her like she ain’t shook. Then Tristan walks in and punches the absolute shit outta Alex, who gets up like she has taken a punch before, and Elizabeth tells him to let her go, and she leaves. Tristan then wonders if Elizabeth is banging Alex, too. Oh, that’s coming, my friend.

-John goes to the bar and is like, you know what, give me a double martini, dammit,. Of course, on the night John decides to start drinking again, in walks Aileen Wournos, played by Lily Rabe, and if you don’t know, I fucking love her. She was the best part of Asylum as Sister Mary Eunice, and of course, as Misty the Stevie Nicks impersonator in Coven. Anyway, you might know Aileen Wournos from Monster, which earned Charlize Theron an Oscar for Best Actreess, and she is probably the best-known female serial killer in history. They did some good makeup work to make this happen, and Lily Rabe is fucking awesome; that hair flip is everything. Anyway, John thinks it’s a costume, while Liz is lookin’ at all this like, you dumb mufucka, and he takes Aileen up to his room. He gets knocked out and tied to a chair, but he manages to punch and subdue her, and I don’t know how it happened because he’s not very bright. He handcuffs her in the bathroom and looks at her license, which says her name, and heads down to the lobby, where he reads the names of the killers in the guest book. Liz even tells him what’s going on, and he thinks that he is gon’ arrest Aileen, but Liz is like, nah, she won’t be there. She isn’t, and he finds a bag with a suit in it on his bed as he has been invited to the party by March himself. Hmmmmmmmmm…….

-He gets to Room 78 for the party, where he finds Aileen, who apologizes and wants to sit with him, but March is a stickler and wants everyone to sit where he has them. Introductions are made, and we have Aileen, of course. There is the Zodiac Killer, who has a mask on and Richard razzes him for wearing it. John Wayne Gacy is there, played by John Carroll Lynch, who played Twisty in Freak Show, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer and Ramirez are played by actors outside of the AHS franchise, but they both do excellent jobs in their short time on screen. They were all brought together by March, who gave them tips on how to kill, but they usually went astray and that is how they got caught. Then they drink absinthe, but it only affects Lowe, because well, he is human, and he gets handcuffed to a chair. At some point, he pointed to his gun, and we all laughed. Silly mufucka, you.

-Miss Evers serves dinner and Richard starts dancing with Aileen, and it’s trippy as hell, but it works. Dahmer starts doing work on a drugged out dude because that was his thing in real life, and John goes to shoot him, but yo……they’re fuckin’ ghosts, b. Meanwhile, Dahmer has perked up after they brought him out a salad, and he obviously doesn’t eat that shit, and March pats him on the head. Man, I can’t stress how good Evan Peters is this season. By far his best performance in AHS and it isn’t even close.

-While this is going on, Sally is outside with a guy she just met, and he wants to party, so she takes him and gets him all jacked on the heroin. Little does he know, he is dessert for the killer party, in return for March letting Sally live here for another year. Also, Dahmer has drilled a hole into his victim’s head and put acid in there to make him, like a zombie and I don’t know, is this so he tastes better later? Dahmer was about that cannibal life, and I read more about him when I was younger than I care to admit. Serial killers fascinate me. I’m always curious as to what makes a mufucka just SNAP. Anyway, Miss Evers brings out all of the knives and the killers pounce on the heroin man, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. John is freaking out, but Sally appears and convinces him it was all a hallucination because of the absinthe. She takes him away so March and ’em can finish what they’re doing, and March gives a look like he doesn’t trust John at all, which he probably shouldn’t.

-We go to Elizabeth, getting all prettied up, and then she walks int a bedroom with Alex, who has apparently decided to become a vampire. They kiss, and then Elizabeth runs her nail down her breast, and Alex takes her first drink, then re-opens her eyes. So is she a vampire now? What happened between pulling a gun out and now? I want to see her “pros and cons” list. Also, that is hopefully the last time we see Alex in a beret. Our viewing crew was quite happy to see it go, one in particular.

Ehhhhh, I’d probably put this above the Coven Halloween episode, and maybe above Freak Show, too. All those serial killers, man, that shit was like a murderers’ row, literally. So, the John theory is this: he is actually the Ten Commandments Killer, and he has done all this shit, but he blacks out for whatever reason, possibly booze, and he just hasn’t realized it yet. Why else would he be at that party? Either that, or he is going to be in training. And now, what about Scarlett? Her mother and brother are vampires, her father is either gon’ be a vampire or a serial killer, and they’re all staying at this creepy hotel? Just gon’ leave her with Grandma? I guess.

Next week, I assume we get back to the Ramona Royale revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, but fuck, it’s American Horror Story. They’ll probably had three more storylines, because American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E10 – Orphans

The 10th episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show, “Orphans”, packed a lot into an extended episode. We got a few backstories, confirmation that the creators, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, are indeed calling back to the past editions of the show, a few old faces return and it was actually well written. Let’s go……..

-I never knew his name, but Salty has died in his sleep and Pepper is a mess, which is fair enough as the two were basically inseparable. Elsa says he dies of a stroke, but I don’t believe and just then, Stanley approaches her, so I definitely don’t believe her. He tells her he received a telegram from the TV network saying that Elsa has to go to Hollywood in three weeks, so she needs her rest, but Elsa wants to take care of Pepper, which also means Salty’s body. Stanley says he’ll take care of it, which means cutting his head off and sending it to the morbidity museum. So, that is two weeks in a row that a head is cut off before we get to the opening credits of Freak Show, and I wanna say it’s the third beheading of the season along with Ethel and Gloria Mott.

-Desiree reads Pepper a story and then tries to leave to prepare for her show, but Pepper throws a fit and starts breaking stuff. Desiree asks her if she is done yet and orders her to clean everything up, because Angela Bassett is not here for your shit. Ms. Bassett has been underused after wreckin’ shop on Coven. She looks like she’s about to give Pepper some sympathy until Pepper throws shit in HER direction and she’s like, nah, bruh, not here. Dell tries to interrupt during this exchange and beg for Desiree back, but again, she’s not here for your shit. She all but says, dude, you like penis, go do that.

-She goes to Elsa’s trailer to tell her about Pepper, which sparks Elsa to tell Desiree about Pepper’s story. Elsa wanted to start her own freak show and needed to find freaks, so she went to the place where people throw away what they don’t want: an orphanage. She finds Pepper and starts playing with her, and takes her to the show (just walking her out of the orphanage because the adoption process wasn’t shit back then, apparently), where Pepper starts dancin’ around, partyin’ like shit. I’m not sure what was entertaining about this to people, but I’ll let it rock because Pepper is one of the few genuinely good and pure things left on Freak Show, which scares me that she’ll die. She was also left at the orphanage by her sister, but more on that later.

-We also learn the story of Ma Petite, who came with a Maharaja that came to see the show, and Elsa wanted her, but the leader was like, nah. So, she offers him a Dr. Pepper…..and he loves it so much that he trades Ma Petite for three cases of the shit. Now, if I’m following this great leader, I’m like, dude, your negotiation skills are terrible. But Elsa gets what she wants and Pepper has to look after her, which gives her a purpose. Then Salty comes from a boys home in Cincinnati, and Elsa marries the two eerily similar people. This story in a nutshell is why you love American Horror Story. Desiree tells Elsa that she has to take Pepper to her sister since she has lost Salty, Ma Petite and Elsa will be off to Hollywood soon, and Elsa reluctantly agrees.

-Desiree comes through Maggie’s tent with her new man, Angus (THEO HUXTABLE), and we learn that Angus is a travelling salesman. Now, I have written down, “does Theo know about the triple-tittay action?” and literally, two seconds later, Desiree saunters on stage just shakin’ and swingin’ them shits, so I wrote, “well, there goes that”. Then Maggie goes on a rant about everything is going to go downhill for Angus and Desiree, and the two storm out of the tent, but Angus says something about being a Christian and not believing in future-telling. I wonder if there is anything in the Bible about messin’ with three-tittied ladies with crazy genitalia, but hey, believe what you wanna, bruh.

-Desiree finds Maggie, drunk, on the carousel to find out what the hell that was all about, and Maggie decides to spill that she and Stanley are working together, not to kill freaks and sell them, but to pickpocket the freak show customers. Then she tells the story of how they met as she was selling newspapers, but would steal shit as well. She gets picked up by a cop, who is played by Brandon Stacy, who myself and my homegirl Lindsay SWORE we saw before as Bloody Face from Asylum, but I looked through his credits and it wasn’t him; he was played by Zachary Quinto, who hasn’t been in AHS since. But Quinto played Spock in the new Star Wars movies; Stacy played Spock in something called Star Trek New Voyages: Phase II. This is JUST getting started.

-Back to Maggie, she rolls with Stanley because he saves her from being arrested, and the two form their team. Desiree puts two and two together that freaks have been dying since they arrived and even though Maggie denies it, Desiree doesn’t trust her at all. Maggie bails to her tent, but finds Bette and Dot, who give her money to get Jimmy out of jail since people won’t take too kindly to them. Seems like they have a plan of some sort; I just want them to kick Maggie’s ass.

-Stanley visits Jimmy in jail and gives him some story about being an orphan as well, and asks Jimmy if he killed those women. Jimmy says he doesn’t remember as he was quite drunk, but can you kill nine women at once and not remember? Anyway, Stanley says he can get a lawyer, but he needs money and Jimmy doesn’t have any. He then leaves, but comes back and says he has an idea of how to raise the money, and looks at Jimmy’s lobster hands. Them shits probably go for a pretty penny.

-Maggie finds Desiree the next day and begs her to come to the morbidity museum because she is done with the lies, and Desiree doesn’t believe her at first, until she sees Ma Petite’s body, followed by Salty’s head. But the kicker is seeing Jimmy’s hands, and Maggie is like, nah, this has gone too far now. There are a ton of questions going on via text, namely if Jimmy would bleed out and how the hands got there that fast, but now I conclude that it’s American Horror Story and logic is for suckers. Also, Angela Bassett vs. Emma Roberts in an acting match is like me against Mike Tyson in his prime. And the thing is, Roberts was probably at her very best in this episode.

-Elsa takes Pepper to her sister in Massachusetts, and her sister, Rita, is played by Mare Winningham, who isn’t even listed in the IMDB for this episode. But she was in Coven for a couple episodes (she was Evan Peters’ mother who molested him) and she has been in a ton on TV and movies, so it continues. She’s a wicked bitch, but also, something doesn’t sit well with me. She messes up the “clogged pipes” line when telling Elsa why she couldn’t have children, and she walks away talking to herself. Something is amiss.

-Elsa then says goodbye to Pepper, and a brotha got all in his feelings. This is the first time this season that Elsa has been worth a damn and she is genuinely sad to be doing this, and even though it is selfish because she has to do what is best for her, Elsa still has ties to Pepper, who was her first freak. It’s pretty heartbreaking, especially when you know that Rita doesn’t give nary damn about Pepper.

-We come back from commercial and Rita is speaking to someone about her troubles with Pepper, and how she had a child that had something wrong with it, but it never says what and we never find out. But we do find out that someone is Sister Mary Eunice……who is played by Lily Rabe, and I start partyin’. She is one of a few that has been in all four seasons of AHS, along with Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, Evan Peters and Frances Conroy. Rabe played the Sister Mary role in Asylum, and she was Nora in Murder House and Misty in Coven (although the Stevie Nicks thing got real weird, real fast). So obviously, the two are speaking at Briarcliff, which is the setting for Asylum.

-A little aside: I heard that all of the AHS seasons were connected somehow, but I never knew that Ryan Murphy purposely did it, and this smacked me in the face. Again, my homegirl called it earlier in the episode with the orphanage, but a lot happened in this hour and I never thought much of it until we saw Sister Mary, and for as nonsensical and ridiculous as American Horror Story is, to make all these connections between four stand-alone seasons takes a lot of skill. Well done, Murphy (Falchuk too, I guess, but I’ve read Murphy is the driving force. Maybe he’s the one who does all the interviews and such, but Falchuk has written and directed his share of AHS episodes).

-Anyway, Rita tells about her home life, which she makes seem is hell for her, but really, she is lying in bed, making Pepper take care of her deformed baby while fixing her martinis, and she accuses Pepper of trying to seduce her husband, who is a dick in his own right and comes up with a plan to kill either Pepper or the baby, or both, it isn’t clear at first. So what he does, is drown the baby after kicking Pepper out of the nursery, and the couple frame Pepper for the murder, which is how Rita comes to bring her to Briarcliff. We see Pepper in a strait jacket, banging her head in sadness against a wall, when Sister Mary comes into her room and after a conversation about the baby, she sees remorse in Pepper. Sister Mary wants to make Pepper her redemption project and takes Pepper to the messy library, where she teaches her to pile up magazines such as Readers’ Digest, National Geographic and Time. Pepper is Rain Man with that shit, but as the episode ends, we see her picking up an issue of Time…..that has Elsa on the cover, and Elsa is now a huge TV star.

I’m putting “Orphans” up in the all-time pantheon episodes of American Horror Story, and while there have been a couple episodes this season that have been very good, they’re not topping this, and if you would have told me that an episode about Pepper would steal the season, I would have called you a liar. Pepper gave Elsa humanity after a season of being just awful, and she really tied together all of the AHS seasons with old faces coming back, and hell, she made me want to go back and watch Asylum; not to mention, they gave Angela Bassett some burn after I said she was underused this season. If you bailed on Freak Show before this episodes, I really don’t blame you, but I recommend “Orphans” highly. The only problems are that we now have to wait until January 7th for a new episode due to the holidays (because nothing says Merry Christmas like American Horror Story), and the sinking feeling that this could be the peak before a disaster of a finale.