Tag Archives: Finn Wittrock

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare was the best episode of the season, and for me, it’s a top-five episode in the annals of AHS history. I’m not gon’ go back and give you my top five, because I’m lazy, but rest assured, it’s in there. Let’s go….


-It opens with Sidney and his crew, sitting inside their production trailer and when one is like, yo, where is Diana, Sidney is like, pssssh, we don’t need her…..there is no way in hell she is hacked up somewhere. One goes outside and doesn’t come back, so Sidney goes outside and finds her with her insides hanging out, so what does he do? Not call for an ambulance, he yells at ya man inside to bring the camera. This dude is a Grade-AAAAA1111 asshole, b. But he gets his as Agnes’ crazy ass pops up behind him with a cleaver and guts him, and then chases down the cameraman and gets him, too. I know Sidney has you trained to hold the camera, dogg, but when you see him sprawled out lookin’ like an extra from Alien, sometimes you gotta cut ya losses, throw the camera at Agnes and run faster than her. Then, the best part, where Agnes goes back to her lair with her own camera, because fuck y’all, I’ma make my own show, and she felt bad for the slightest of minutes because the girl she killed was nice to her on set. But then she starts laughing and ranting again, and yeah, this might be Kathy Bates’ best AHS yet. This whole episode is an Emmy scene for her. She is legitimately insane. This is basically a cosplay gone terribly, terribly wrong. Oh, and how could I forget that the power went out, came back on and she was surrounded by those creepy doll figures?

-Back at the house, Fake Lee comes downstairs with her flask and Real Lee is like, yo, it’s 6 AM, dogg, you’re drinking already? Listen, Real Lee, I get it, alcoholism is bad, m’kay. But you have WAY bigger fish to fry right now, like tryna figure out what happened to Rory. Everyone thinks that the blood found in the closet where Rory/Fake Edward Mott was killed by the Killing Sisters is a prank by Sidney, which to be fair, it very well coud have been, but Audrey thinks it’s a cover-up so Rory could go to his screen test with Brad Pitt he was talkin’ about in the last episode. Meanwhile, the Real Shelby/Real Matt/Fake Matt triangle is heating up as Real Matt walks in on the two of them and is like, I don’t even care if you fuck her, just stay outta my way……and you hear a faint “JERRY! JERRY!” chant from the background. Then Fake Matt finds himself to the confessional area and tells us what we all know: that he is there to ruin everyone’s life at Sidney’s behest. Because, ratings. Wonder what the rating system is in hell?

-Shelby is in the bedroom, staring at the camera and notices there is blood on it, and there is Agnes, behind her with a cleaver, and she gets her in the shoulder/neck area. She’s about to deliver the death blow as Fake Matt comes outta nowhere to save Real Shelby, and it takes a bit longer to overpower Agnes, but he does and tends to Real Shelby. But then they notice that Agnes’ body has disappeared. So, everyone meets in the bedroom and Fake Shelby is treating Real Shelby’s wounds because she did play a nurse once. Meanwhile, all the phone lines have been cut and Fake Matt yells into the camera for Sidney to send help, but that ain’t happening and to be real, Sidney wouldn’t send the help anyway. So they split up, with Real and Fake Lee going to get help with Fake Shelby, while Real Shelby stakes with Real and Fake Matt. I think I would have split up the two Matts, but I mean, it REALLY doesn’t matter because everyone is dying. The three women head down to the secret passage to get out, but they run into the Real ghost of Edward Mott, who doesn’t go down from the shots he takes from Real Lee’s gun. Everyone else looked at her sideways when she pulled it out, and I’m like, she’s the realest one here, I don’t care if she is accused of killing her ex-husband. If I’m going back to a house like that, I want her on my side. Anyway, Real Edward Mott screams at ’em and they run back.

-The house crew are inside, talkin’ about their feelings and shit, and I don’t care. Let’s stay with the women, who are outside wandering around in the woods when they’re surrounded by people with torches, which is never good, and they do a terrible job at hiding, like three of ’em behind one tree. Fake Shelby goes through this terrible confession to Fake Edward for when he finds it, but they find him instead as Rory is hanging up in the tree over them, iron-cross style, and like, the blood is dripping on Fake Shelby’s head. I laughed. Way harder than I should have, too. Meanwhile, in the house, more feelings, and Agnes is in her cave, pulling out bullets out of her shoulder with a pair of cauterized pliers. Where did the bullet come from? Well, before they found Fake Edward, the women found the trailer, where Sidney and his crew were laid the fuck out and Agnes rolled up on ’em, so Real Lee shot her. She might be the new favorite for the lone survivor. Maybe.

-Back at the house, shit picks up as Real Matt wakes up in a trance and heads to the basement, and Fake Matt follows him, sees some shit and then goes to wake up Real Shelby. They wander in to find Real Matt givin’ the business to the Witch, aka Scathach, aka Lady Gaga, and Real Shelby starts goin’ HAM, and she ends up beating Real Matt to death after he says that he didn’t come back to the house for her, but for the Witch. So that is, what, three head-bashings we’ve seen this week? But this didn’t shock me, because this is kinda what AHS does. Shouldn’t have shocked people in The Walking Dead, either, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. AHS watches TWD while eating french fries like, pass the most blood-reddest of ketchup, please. Amateurs. And yo…..where did the Witch go? She didn’t die, did she? Shit was moving pretty quickly at this point.

-Then we get to the real as the trio of women were caught by the torch people, who we find out to be the Real Polk family, which I realized because it wasn’t Frances Conroy. But, one of the Real Polk sons was Finn Wittrock, or so the internet says because I didn’t recognize him. Or maybe I did, but I was so enthralled that this mufuckin’ group of hillbillies have tasers, cigarettes and cocaine…..who…….what? They do mention that the cops don’t even fuck with ’em, which we figured when Fake Lee got dropped off by the cops and they left, but what kinda Charlie Sheen shit is this? They have the women tied up, and they decide that they’re gon’ cut pieces out of Real Lee’s leg, and then feed it to the other women, and they eat it or they’ll die. And they do, and they cry, and it’s kinda hilarious.

-Back at the house, Lily Rabe puts down her Emmy scene as she has no idea what to do after killing Real Matt, and she is damn near hysterical, not being able to breath, tryna figure out how to get outta this until Fake Matt reminds her that there are cameras everywhere. This is easily her best AHS run since Asylum (she was the only reason to watch that season), and she hasn’t been used correctly since then. And y’all know I love me some Sarah Paulson, but yeah, Lily got her this season, I think, just because I really don’t like Fake Shelby as a character. Yellin’ at Real Lee for having a gun…..where the fuck do you think we are? Although her line about not being American and used to this violence was pretty good. Anyway, Lily was beastin’. And shoutout to Cuba Gooding Jr., playing the asshole role to a tee.

-We end with Real Shelby and Fake Matt going to the window and seeing more people with torches, and Agnes….and the Real Butcher, who is none too happy about Agnes runnin’ with her name in these streets. So, Agnes gets the cleaver straight down Forehead Street. So that ends that.

That was a lot of killin’, but my Flora pick is still on the table for the lone survivor, although Real Lee is up there now. I doubt Fake Audrey and Fake Lee get outta this, and if I had to put money on it, Real Shelby and Fake Matt are gettin’ it, too. Again, best episode of the season and I doubt it’ll get any better, but with three episodes left, American Horror Story is right on track to get me excited for the finale, only to be let down…….again.



American Horror Story: Hotel S05E09 – She Wants Revenge

The usual downhill spiral continues on American Horror Story: Hotel with “She Wants Revenge”, which is maddening because the promise is there. Everything was going so well. There is no way they’re sorting this all out in four episodes. Let’s go….

-We open with the Countess talking about how she is a century old now, and she is staring into the hallway where she knows Rudy and Natasha have been hidden, but they’re not there anymore. There should been another episode about this story, or at least split that with the “Ten Commandments Killer” episode. I’m still pissed about that. It didn’t need to be a whole damn episode.

-Oh, shoutout to Gaga for getting a Golden Globe nomination for her role in Hotel. I think she has been great in spite of some bad storytelling. She is up against some stiff competition and shouldn’t win, but I bet she has shocked some people.

-In the present, Will Drake is telling the Countess that he wants a big wedding, but she wants something more intimate. Hell, I forgot they were even getting married because there are 47 storylines, but aight, cool. She just wants him to design her dress and she’ll handle the rest, and then Elizabeth asks Liz to order her some flowers. To which Liz hits her with a “bitch, what?” and tells her to buy her own flowers. He is obviously still salty about what she did to Tristan, which is fair, and all that was missing from this was a finger snap and a neck roll. Elizabeth is still playing the victim and says she did it because Tristan could have never loved Liz because he didn’t know how. Liz don’t care, bruh.

-Elizabeth and Alex are watching the news, and by that, I mean Alex is Elizabeth’s servant and getting her a nice glass of blood, while Elizabeth is chillin’. They see that a man has his blood drained on the news, and witnesses saw children at the scene. I thought they meant the little blond children from the hotel; I forgot all about the kid who had the measles that Alex saved when she had her little buffet at the hospital. Who knew that a show could have multiple crews of child vampires?

-Elizabeth then gets a call from an investigator who says that he found her man, and she goes to a cheap hotel, where she finds Rudy, who escaped the hotel with Natasha. He greets her with a kiss, and Natasha won’t be happy about this.

-But quickly, because the Countess doesn’t like to go too long without a penis, we flash to her at the hotel, riding Donovan. He, of course, catches the feelings and wants her to only be with him and she’s like, cool, I’m getting married on Wednesday, but I should be good to go by Thursday. They’re making a list of people that they’re going to kill, but all we noticed was that Gaga has great boobs, which we can clearly see because FX made them slap some stars over the nipples. Really, what is the point? Just put the titty out there. We can seriously see the whole thing. Stop making us work for nudity.

-After the credits, a trio of people are waiting to check into the hotel, last name: Stormcock. They’re so obviously a porn shoot, but Iris has some zingers. She hits them with that “douchebag convention is over at the Hilton”, how she’ll bring ’em extra towels and shit. This ain’t her first rodeo. Also, we learn that the female porn star doesn’t like getting rimmed, which means a tongue in the ol’ poop chute. I had a completely different definition of rimming, so AHS be outchea educating the people. Iris goes on a speech about how she doesn’t mind porn when it’s done right, but she doesn’t want to enable it anymore since she was turned, and goes up to the room, where she slits Mr. Stormcock’s throat and stabs ol’ girl while the dude runs into the bathroom. Donovan finds her draining the girl of her blood and is impressed with her work, but she tells him that it isn’t safe for him at the hotel, and the Countess would find out they are working together with Ramona. Mmmmmhmmmm……Donovan is about to rat you out. That Countess vagina is a helluva thing. Before he leaves, he kills the dude in the bathroom; we don’t see it, but it’s easy to make that assumption. –

-Also, she told Donovan that Elizabeth confronted her about Bartholomew The Gerber Baby going missing, and she ratted Ramona out to Elizabeth, but didn’t say that she and Donovan were involved. Not your best work, Iris.

-Will is getting Lachlan ready for the wedding, and Lachlan still can’t believe that his dad is marrying a woman, and Will explains the idea of bisexuality to his son. You can see “The More You Know” flashing on the screen, but like a true child, Lachlan isn’t really caring about what his father is saying because kids ain’t shit. Out of nowhere comes Miss Evers, who warns Will against marrying the Countess and tells him that it is basically like committing suicide. Will tells her to get out and she leaves, but not before she says that she can’t wait to clean the shit out of his clothes after Elizabeth kills him. Yo, has Will ALWAYS been that orange? That’s some Jersey Shore spray tanning. Also, Miss Evers says that Elizabeth will bleed him dry and Will is like, I got this prenup and she’s like, uhhhh……that’s not what I mean at all.

-Elizabeth talks to a contractor to install a new door, to fill the hole that is hiding the hallway where Rudy and Natasha was. He tells her that it’ll be impossible to do it in 24 hours, and March pops up to play foreman, telling him what he needs to do and how to do it because he has had experience with these kinds of rooms. She slaps him when the contractor leaves and she is pissed that he locked up Rudy and Natasha, and never wants to see him again. He just wants his monthly dinners, and she wants the door done by the morning, so that appears to be the trade-off, because Countess vagina gets what she wants.

-Donovan heads to Ramona’s with a gift, and it’s the male porn star, so he didn’t kill him….not yet anyway. Ramona calls Donovan a pussy for getting back with the Countess, and he says it’s all a part of the plan as he is getting married and will be distracted. Meanwhile, Angela Bassett dominates the screen and they could be talking about ice cream for all I know.

-Then we get into the best part of the episode: Ramona tells the story of her parents, which is where she went after Elizabeth broke her heart. They were both sick, but her mother passed away and her father got worse with Alzheimer’s. Then the house got broken into and two robbers almost beat him to death, and Ramona fed him her blood to try and keep him alive, and hopefully slow down the Alzheimer’s. It kept him alive, but didn’t help the disease and Ramona had to kill more to feed him blood to keep him going until one night, she came home and he had killed two more intruders. He didn’t understand what was going on, so Ramona fed him Xanax, I believe, one of those drugs, and drowned him in a tub. Over the years, she has fumed over what Elizabeth has taken from her, while being mad that people are now watching her movies for free on the internet, and Ryan Murphy is dropping all kinds of messages in these streets this season. She wants revenge on Elizabeth, and plans to get it. This really could have been the plot of the entire season and I would have been fine. Give me all the Angela Bassett, please.

-Alex goes to a house where a pizza is being delivered, and the house is Max’s, the measles kid. He and his friends are chowing down on the pizza delivery guy, and Alex tells them that they’ll be found out soon because the pizza place will wonder where he is. The kids’ plan is basically to eat everyone in their way, and they’ve already eaten their parents, and now one of them wants to eat the kids that don’t want to eat people. Is this cannibalism or vampirism? Can it be both? Anyway, these kids are assholes and they leave Alex to talk to the cops. Kids make stupid plans, I think is the moral of this story.

-Donovan had told Ramona that he drugged Elizabeth to put her out, which of course was a lie, and she wakes up, and Donovan tases Ramona. He takes her to the dungeon to put her in the same contraption that housed the two blond girls from earlier in the season and Iris is confused about the plan, to which Donovan is like, “Bitch, there is no plans, I lied and am under the spell of Countess vagina”, or something similar to that. Donovan thinks he is the only one for Elizabeth, and Iris scoffs, and Ramona wakes up in time to second that scoff. Dogg…..how many times has she done this? Why do you think you’re special? Her vagina is the truth, bruh.

-Meanwhile, Elizabeth is back at the hotel with Rudy, and Finn Dogg is trying to sound Italian, but it is coming off super Russian. Like, Putin Russian. There is no Italian in this at all. Dude sounds like a villain from GoldenEye. Anyway, they’re about to kiss and Natasha struts in from a shopping trip as Elizabeth gave her a credit card, and we realize that it is Alexandra Daddario, whom you may remember from the first season of True Detective. I think Woody Harrelson was having sex with her? Anyway, she was naked and it set the internet on fire for like, 24 hours. Elizabeth invites her to a night at the hotel and Natasha is afraid of March being there, but Elizabeth tells her that he is dead and she’ll be fine….which means she’s obviously about to kill her so she can be with Rudy. Natasha knows something is up with Elizabeth and Rudy, while Elizabeth leaves and is seen by Donovan, who I keep forgetting, is a heroin addict and I’ve been giving him too much credit.

-Elizabeth and Will get married in the hotel lobby, and Elizabeth’s dress is pretty awful. Liz objects to the whole proceedings on the grounds that Elizabeth is a bitch, but no one seems to care because they just need a witness. Lachlan just wants to go upstairs after the wedding because kids don’t care, and Elizabeth wants to change into travelling clothes because they’re going to Paris. Before that, she walks up to Liz threateningly, but only gives him a bouquet and wishes that he finds true love….oh yeah, Liz will die before this is all over.

-At the bar, Will is joined by March for a congratulatory drink, and March says something about blended families, to which Will is like, yeah, she loves my son. March is like, ummmmm, nah bruh, you ain’t met her son yet? So he walks him up to Gerber Baby’s room and Will is obviously horrified, when Elizabeth walks in and knocks his ass out for saying all sorts of ignorant shit about her child in true motherly fashion.

-He wakes up in the same room as Ramona, who persuades him to let her out, but while he is running around and screaming for help, we realize that he is in the sealed chamber, so I guess Elizabeth got her door done. Will is like, we gon’ starve and Ramona is like, um, I won’t….and then proceeds to buffet his face and life. Elizabeth is watching this on a screen from her room, while Miss Evers laughs at Will because she’s petty and was right.

It isn’t that I hated this episode, or even how AHS does this every season, because this show is always entertaining and the fuckery is right around the corner. But at the end of every episode, I have an arm’s length of questions that need answering and I get frustrated because I know they won’t be. They made John a huge part of the story and he wasn’t even in this episode. Shoot, is anyone gon’ notice that he killed the black cop? Still no sign of Scarlett, the blond kids from the hotel and now they have to figure out what to do with the measles army. Did Alex have to talk to the cops to cover for them? What is gon’ happen to Lachlan? He’ll notice his father is missing at some point, right? Will he be the Darth Vader of the vampire children, or avenge his father’s death? Shit, what about Sally? And I assume Rapey Drillbit is done?

I hope I’m wrong about all this. But it’s American Horror Story and I’m probably not.




American Horror Story: Hotel S05E05 – Room Service

American Horror Story has always had a problem with starting up too many storylines, because it all feels rushed when they’re tryna wrap it up. Hotel is starting to fall to the same problem, and a couple more get added in “Room Service”, which was all over the damn place. Let’s go…

-We open with Alex wandering through the hospital, looking like someone who, well, just turned into a vampire. She checks her temperature, which is at a solid 75.5 F, which isn’t normal….well, it is if you’re a vampire. She heads into the room of the little boy who has the measles, but now he has a staph infection and is on the verge of dying. All Alex wants is a damn meal, and she looks at the kid and his mom like they’re lunch, but she tells the mother that she’ll keep trying. If I were the mother, I’d be like, ummmmm…..you sure you’re OK? Because you kinda look like actual death.

-Next thing you know, Alex is in a room, going to town on bags of blood and one of our viewing party called the hospital, “a McDonalds for vampires”, which was pretty good. Sucks for everyone that needed blood transplants, but these things happen. Then she comes up with a plan: Alex takes her blood and injects it into the kid’s (Max is his name) IV, and he starts to have a seizure before opening his eyes…..and credits. Great. Inject the kid with vampire blood. Nothing could go wrong…….right?

-Donovan shows up at Ramona’s house with a strung-out Iris, who if you remember, was also turned by her son. Ramona isn’t happy about him showing up with her, but Donovan has a plan: Iris will be the mole on the inside at the hotel, Ramona is a little hesitant, but eventually agrees, and that’s fine. But the star of this scene? The posters on Ramona’s wall of her movies, Slaughter Sister and Bride Of Blackenstein. Slaughter Sister isn’t a real movie (but I REALLY want it to happen, someone send that shit to Tarantino) and neither is Bride Of Blackenstein, but Blackenstein is an actual movie that I saw a long time ago. I really recommend you watch it. It’s a hot piece of shit, dogg. Like, hot steaming garbage in the middle of the summer. But it’s worth it for the hilarity.

-Alex returns to Max’s room and he is gone, and she’s like, oh shit, but he brought back by a nurse and his mother, and he looks as good as new. Everyone is shocked by his quick recovery and they start the paperwork for his release, but at the end of the scene, his mom looks at Alex like, something ain’t right with this woman. But she’s not looking a gifthorse in the mouth because her son is okay. I can respect that.

-Iris shows up at the hotel, looking like stir-fried shit, and Liz knows what is good right away. He takes her to the bar and gives her a blood/Triple Sec martini to take the edge off, but he reminds Iris that she has to start feeding regularly to keep this under control. She starts going on about how invisible women are as they get older, and I really don’t know what she is talking about because AHS has never been a show with great writing, but Kathy Bates be actin’, bruh.

-Max is dressed like a pirate, so I assume it is still Halloween in these streets, but before he catches the school bus, he has a light breakfast: his mom. So does that mean she is a vampire now, too? Anyway, he goes to school and there is a party, and he takes his little friend into a closet to explain to her that he had the measles. But they go in to kiss, and it’s a little uncomfortable because, well, these mufuckas look like they’re in elementary school. I have no qualms with him biting her lip so he can taste her blood, but it’s all a little weird; it’s very sexualized for young children. You have to keep moving your moral goalposts for AHS, because they’re always gon’ do something to shock you. Anyway, the teacher wanders into the closet and is like, the fuck y’all doing, and Max slices her shit up. Meanwhile, the rest of the class gets sick because Max has been tainting their food, and then a principal or something walks in and he gets fucked up, too. The SWAT team is called into the school and the kids escape, but Max concocts a story about getting attacked and everyone sticks to it. It’s a very strange scene all around, and now I’m like, am I supposed to care about the child-vampire army? Is this another thing? Isn’t there enough going on already?

-Meanwhile, John is telling his boss what happened to him with the serial-killer party and all that, and dude is looking at him like he is absolutely insane. He knows it sounds crazy, but he stakes his reputation on it and his boss is like, your reputation ain’t shit, bruh. He fires John, who hands in his gun, and I don’t care. Honestly, if they got rid of John and started the child-vampire thing, I’d be okay with that.

-Iris is at the hotel, tryna get back to life, when in walk a man and a woman looking for a room. The man is named Justin and played by Darren Criss, who I learned was on Glee, so that makes sense with the whole Ryan Murphy thing. He and his lady are apparently in the social-media business and they want a room because Will Drake owns the hotel, and their job is basically to be a pair of hipster assholes, which they play quite well. They’re very demanding and driving Iris crazy, but meanwhile, she’s trying to put Elizabeth and Tristan off her scent as they walk through the lobby, looking all fancy, and they notice that Iris is nervous. Tristan is actually smelling her and they know something is up, but Iris chalks it up to Halloween nervousness, which, sure, I guess that could be a thing. I don’t how you get nervous about anything after working in this hotel, but who am I to ask questions? Even Liz is looking like, they gotta know, b.

-Then Justin calls downstairs to try and get room service, and he wants some grilled romaine lettuce and other bullshit that this place obviously wouldn’t have, so he orders Iris to call and get it delivered. Didn’t take long, but I can’t wait until these mufuckas get their faces eaten. Oh, and they wanted pate, so Liz puts some cat food on a silver platter because fuck them, that’s why. Anyway, Liz and Iris start talking and Iris says something about not being homophobic, to which Liz states that he’s not gay and Iris is confused…..so we get Liz’s backstory FINALLY.

-Liz was a married man from Topeka, and he only married this woman because of her dress size. He would go away on business trips and when his colleagues would go out to strip clubs, he would stay in his room and dress like a woman. He got champagne ordered to his room and someone leaves it outside, but we never see who it is and I’m interested to see who it was. But he turns around and Elizabeth is behind him, telling him that his blood smells like a woman. He starts to cry and says that he is ugly, so Elizabeth offers him a life as a goddess and does his makeup for him so they can go out on the town. He’s not ready for all that yet, so Elizabeth tells him to go get some ice and of course, he runs into his coworkers, who start calling him a fag and wondering if they got AIDS from sharing a Sprite because yo, it was the 80s and mufuckas didn’t know any better. Actually, mufuckas still don’t know any better, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation. Anyway, Elizabeth pops up and slices their throats, and Liz Taylor, as he is now know, stays at the hotel. He sent his family money until his kids turned 18. So…..his wife never came looking for him ever again? I have a feeling we’ll see her by the end of Hotel and oh yeah, Denis O’Hare is getting nominated for something for this sequence. Remember where you heard it first.

-He also tells Iris that she should teach the hipsters a lesson, and she takes the cat food and a bottle of wine upstairs. They continue to complain, although they say that the “pate” is decent, and they bitch and they bitch, until Iris snaps and stabs ol’ girl in the neck with a corkscrew, and then gets Justin with a knife, all the while yelling about how they don’t know anything outside of their sheltered lives. Then she drinks their blood because, well, why not? Can’t let that shit go to waste. They got what was coming to them.

-John wakes up in bed with Sally, and he doesn’t remember any of it, so Sally tells him what happened and he was like, nah, you gotta go, so of course, she flips because women aren’t fans of that. But while we get a flashback of the sex, we see Rapey McDrillbit behind him for a flash of a second and he’s like, WHOA…..but goes back to the sex, because SEX. Anyway, she says some shit about this being real and it’s destiny that they should be together. He’s a killer, dogg. He has to be. She knows that shit when she sees it.

-Iris feels better as she and Liz push the dead hipsters down the hall and then they toss them down the chute where the bodies go. They also drink the wine that they didn’t finish. Again, can’t let shit go to waste.

-Elizabeth tells Holden to give Alex a kiss, and that it is past his bedtime, and Alex is like, huh? She wants to spend more time with him, so Elizabeth has a special gift for them: a two-person coffin where they can do whatever it is that vampires do in coffins. Alex rightly asks about what about seeing John in the hotel, but that shit is gone when she sees the coffin. They’ll figure that shit out later, I guess.

So, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy this episode of Hotel, but it’s just…..man, there is a lot of shit going on right now. Now we have the child-vampire army, to go with John’s relationship with Sally, his wife and son are vampires, we didn’t even see or hear about Scarlett in this episode, Ramona’s revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, who is now enjoying that vampire life, and they barely touched on that. Oh, and the Ten Commandments Killer thing. Oh, and Will Drake. And March. And will we see the serial-killer crew again? Don’t do this to yourself, American Horror Story. In a series known for a lack of focus, this might be the most unfocused joint yet. I’ll still watch, tho because if nothing else, it’s entertaining.


American Horror Story: Hotel S05E03 – Mommy

The thing about American Horror Story is that you don’t usually know who all the major players are, and what the main storyline will be, until a few episodes into the season. The third episode of Hotel, “Mommy”, sheds a little light on John’s wife Alex, but also on the Donovan/Iris relationship and of course, we get introduced to a new character played by an old (not, like, age….she won’t track me down, dammit) favorite. Let’s go……..

-We open with Tristan, who seems like he has settled into this vampire thing, and he’s looking for March, his new homeboy. He has studied up on March, who pops up and isn’t impressed about all his information being out in these Google streets. And then Tristan tries to hit him with a high-five, and March looks at him like he’s nuts, and says, “GOOD”. You really have to see it to get the full effect. I had to hit pause, I was laughing so hard. March tells Tristan that the hotel has a bunch of hidden rooms, including the “Black Closet”, which is a dark room with a spike in it that impales a mufucka as soon as they run into the place. I’d be fine if March was the focus of the storyline and not the vampires, and maybe he will be eventually. I hope so.

-Will Drake is with Claudia and his son, taking a tour of the place when they run into Tristan. I now think that Will Drake is a descendant of Edward Mordrake from Freak Show, if they’re gon’ continue to tie seasons together. He tells Tristan that he has to leave the hotel, but he notices that the cut on his face is gone, the one Tristan made upon his retirement from the modelling business. Plans are made to tear the floor out, and Miss Evers is pressed about where she’ll clean the linens. On the low, she might be my favorite so far. She just wants a clean hotel, bruh. But Tristan said he got it, so someone gotta die.

-The kid who has the measles has gotten worse, which leads Alex to go back into her memories on being a mother. Also, I think that kid will end up at the hotel. She didn’t have the best childhood, but everything changed when Holden was born, and she admits to not even loving Scarlett that way. I was confused when she said that it was like a drug, but she kept smelling him, which I’ve heard of before. She didn’t love John as much, so when he lost Holden, whatever love she had evaporated and she gave up hope of ever finding him. She also went to a therapist and attempted to commit suicide in a tub, but John found her. The family has their own group meeting with a therapist and Alex accuses Scarlett of trying to hurt them and she’s like, dude, for real, I SEEN IT. If only John would pipe up and tell mufuckas that he saw it, but that’ll come later. Alex perks up a little when Scarlett says that he smelled like lavender, so that must have been the addictive smell.

-Claudia is in her room, tryna talk on the phone when the service cuts out, but she doesn’t think anything of it. Then she goes in the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees a flash of Rapey McDrillbit, so what does she do? Lies on the bed and tries to go to sleep. That doesn’t work out for as Gabriel pops up from the mattress, strangles her and then stabs her to death. I’m not going anywhere I can’t use my phone, bruh. That’s a hint that something isn’t right.

-John and Malik Yoba (his name is Adam, fine, I’ll use that) are investigating a new set of murders where two writers for a gossip site have had their tongues nailed to their desks, which in biblical terms, is “Thou shall not bear false witness”. As he returns to the hotel, Gabriel pops up outta nowhere, covered in blood, and asks John to help him. Like, out of thin air. Nah, fuck yo help. I don’t care that I am a cop.

-Tristan gets into Will’s room and apologizes for the whole ordeal at the fashion show and the face-cutting thing, and says that he is clean and sober. Dogg, you’ve been hangin’ with Elizabeth, no way in shit you’re sober. Will is tryna go over the blueprints for the hotel, but Tristan is tryna eat and he seduces him to the point that he goes to bite his neck, and up pops Elizabeth with the NOAP throat-slash, telling Tristan not to do it. Tristan is like, awwwww man, and Will is like, the fuck just happened?

-John takes Gabriel to the hospital, and Gabriel basically blames everything on Sally before overdosing, then he goes to Claudia’s room, but he only finds Miss Evers,and I mean….come on, bruh. How bad of a cop are you? All of these signs, shit, Iris told you all about the place, and nothing? Then, oh AND THEN, she drops a line about the Ten Commandments and then when John handcuff and takes her to the elevator, she tries to seduce him, the lights keep flickering on and off, Rapey keeps popping up and then they both disappear. BRUH. GET THE FUCK OUT, B.

-Iris tells Donovan that she has been looking up places to live, but he’s like, nah, that ain’t happening and proceeds to tear into her, saying that everything was her fault and he hates her and he may have wished death upon her as well; he said a lot of hateful shit in there. We also learn that there was a bad breakup between Iris and Donovan’s father, and it seems like she was, well, let’s just say overbearing. Iris starts to cry, and at least once per season, you remember that, oh shit, this is Kathy fuckin’ Bates actin’ on y’all punk asses. She is good at what she does.

-Donovan feeds on a junkie to get both of his fixes at the same damn time, and then he finds someone who is having car trouble, so he’s like, cool, another meal. But then he gets tasered and guess who it is? MS BASSETT BACK! She throws him in the trunk and drives off, and I get to partyin’. I love Angela Bassett. Just everything about her; she is elegant, but reeks of “I’ll fuck your whole life up if you mess with me”.

-Alex finds John at the hotel, because why not bring your whole fucking family there. She wants him to have a drink and he’s like, nah, I’m good. She’s like, oh, you should have one because here are these divorce papers, bruh. She’s done with it all, for Scarlett’s sake, and he gets his Keith Sweat on to beg her, but she seems set in her decision. Then he drops that he is seeing weird shit and is sobbing, which of course, makes her stay. Tears can change a whole ball game, yo.

-Then it is Elizabeth’s turn to put the moves on Will Drake as she rolls into his room and he’s like, you know I’m gay, right? Elizabeth can’t be bothered with that, though….she wants that neck and says something about him dying. But even though he is gay, he tries to get it poppin’ with her before Tristan walks in and is like, yo, you JUST stopped me from doing the EXACT SAME THING. But Elizabeth’s motive is money: she got trapped in the Bernie Madoff scandal, which is, to make a long story short, a Ponzi scheme that got him convicted in sent to jail in 2009. Elizabeth lost almost all of her money and wants to get it back, which means getting Will to marry her, so she can take his money. Will Drake is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a bitch to get your money taken and then killed, but then he would turn into a vampire? I guess we’ll see.

-Alex takes John to his room and finds his work on the Ten Commandments Killer, but somehow he ends up getting her back into bed, where he almost gets it in before suggesting that they have another baby and Alex is like, oh for fuck sakes. He killed that mood with the quickness and she hits him with those papers again. Cold world, dogg.

-Then she leaves the room, and runs into a bloody Claudia, who insults her clothing choices, and then she sees Holden, who calls her “Mommy”. I’m just happy for Scarlett that mufuckas might not think she is crazy anymore. But Holden is the key to John getting her back, and I don’t know how feasible that is because, well, he’s a vampire. Maybe a vampire family is in order?

-Sally gets a needle ready to give to Iris, who wants to die after what Donovan said to her, and Sally is like, I’ll do this, but dogg, you gotta leave me alone in these halls. Iris says yes, but she’ll go back on that shit in a second.

-To get rid of the heroin, Donovan is receiving dialysis from Ms. Bassett, whose name is Ramona Royale, and she explains that she was a Blaxploitation actress from the 70s; think Pam Grier (and if you don’t know who she is, for the love of God, Google her). She wanted more roles in that era, but of course, CISM. But then she meets Elizabeth and is turned into a vampire as well, and she ends up turning a rapper named Prophet Moses, which is just about the worst rap name you could ever think of. Ryan Murphy, just stay away from rap music, let Empire handle that, bruh. Anyway, Elizabeth got mad and ate all of the rapper’s entourage and then blew his head clean off, so Ramona wants revenge and thought she could use Donovan to get it, but he tells her that Elizabeth cut him off. She lets him go, but it is in the cards: Ramona and Donovan vs. Elizabeth and Tristan. Sure, I’m in for that.

-Also, this is extremely shallow, but thumbs up to Gaga and Ms. Bassett kissing. Because I’m 12 and I don’t care.

-And yes, I’ll always call her Ms. Bassett.

-Donovan goes back to the hotel and runs into Liz, who proceeds to give him shit for how he treated Iris because no matter what she did, she is his mother and no one will love him like she does, even though she did some messed-up things to try and keep him safe. Donovan realizes that he is right and goes to see her, but Sally had to put a bag over her head because apparently, Iris has a high tolerance for heroin and won’t die. Donovan slits his wrist and holds it to Iris to try and bring her back and Sally is like, well, ain’t that some poetic-justice ass shit.

I’m quite surprised on what they did with Alex’s character, because I was fully ready to not care about her, but I’m interested to see what she does now that she knows Holden is actually, well, not alive, but he is a thing. Now Donovan is dealing with Iris, then you have the vampire battle royal that is about to pop off, then March is hangin’ out with Miss Evers, Rapey McDrillbit, the Ten Commandments Killer, Scarlett…..and I bet there will be more shit added to the mix next week. If nothing else, you can’t ever say that American Horror Story is boring.


American Horror Story: Hotel S05E02 – Chutes And Ladders

After reminding you what life they’re about in the Season 5 premiere for American Horror Story, Hotel doesn’t take its foot off the gas with “Chutes And Ladders”, with an emphasis on “chutes” and the introduction of some old favorites. Well, one old favorite and one that might actually be good this season. Maybe. Let’s go…….


-We open with Sally smoking and sewing the hotel’s latest victim, Gabriel, into a mattress. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, but Gabriel is played by Max Greenfield, who plays Schmidt on New Girl, which I’m a big fan of and that’s quite the change in scenery and mood for an actor. He wakes up and tries to guilt her about lying, while she responds that he shouldn’t have tried to cheat death. There has to be more to Sally’s story and I’m ready for it. But then she hears someone yelling for help…..

-It’s Agnetha, who is getting buffeted by two of the children feeding on her wrists and when Sally goes to complain, Iris is like, it’s fine, she’ll stop eventually. She does, but then the kids say she tastes gross and Iris is like, welp, she’s dead now. So Liz, the housekeeper (Miss Evers) and Iris start the elimination process, I’ll call it, which is Miss Evers tryna clean the sheets and then dumping the body into a laundry chute, where she joins her dead friend and the thing that popped out of their mattress. Miss Evers, her story is gon’ be something else, as well. So pressed to clean the damn sheets.

-The kids are chillin’, watching TV like normal vampire children, and they’re getting blood taken, which Iris uses to fill a decanter to give to Elizabeth, and she asks about Donovan, to which Elizabeth slams the door in her face. Of course she feeds on the blood of children. Shit looks like red Kool-Aid. Anyway, she wants to go out to an art show and hunt for new blood, while he wants to stay in and watch House Of Cards. Does he not know that the third season is terrible? I might actually prefer to drink blood than watch that shit again. And shoutout to that red dress Elizabeth is wearing. That has “I’ll suck your blood written all over it”.

-Side note: I just realized I never finished recapping House Of Cards and I never will because that shit was TURRIBLE, KENNY)

-Alex, John’s wife, is at work, taking blood from a child and she tells his mother that he has the measles because she didn’t have him vaccinated. Nice way to slip that in there, I guess. It’s important, but I’m not here for American Horror Story to teach me about some shit. Leave that shit for the interviews.

-John wakes up in Room 64 at Hotel Cortez, of course at 2:25 in what looks to be the morning, and Miss Evers walks in his room talkin’ about some turndown service. If you don’t get the entire fuck outta my room at this time of night, ma’am. If you’re comin’ in here that late, you better be ready to get it. Then a couple of weird things happen very quickly. He closes his eyes and sees what Wikia calls the Addiction Demon, which is what we call Rapey McDrillbit, so that wakes him up. Then he goes to the bathroom to wash his face, but he hears something in the shower and it looks to be two dead people having sex and they invite him in for a threesome before he wakes up again. How in the hell are you going back to sleep? WHY ARE YOU STILL IN THE HOTEL? Then of course, he sees Holden again and chases him, but to no avail, but Sally, Liz and a bar just kinda pops up out of nowhere. When this dude gets raped, I won’t be upset. You brought in on yourself, bruh.

-Over a ginger ale while Sally drinks Johnnie Walker straight from the bottle, we learn that John used to be an alcoholic. On the day of his last drink, he was investigating a case where a man was mistakenly accused of killing his wife and children, but he was actually trying to keep them warm and poisoned them with carbon monoxide by accident, so he killed himself. Then he went on vacation because of stress, and that’s when he lost Holden; now he stays sober because he doesn’t want to get lost again. This dude is so tortured….but I don’t buy it yet. Certainly not enough to believe he’s just gon’ chill in this hotel. But it’s American Horror Story and I’ll get over it by next week.

-John’s partner (Malik Yoba, I don’t know if he has a name) tells him that the Bel Air couple, those of the super-glued genitals, had texts go to their phone that made it seem like they were from each other, much like the text from Alex’s phone that sent John and Scarlett to that house. But John already knew this; the killer told him that, I think. Then he gets a package from what he thinks is a bomb, but it turns out to be an Oscar, which you should remember from last week, but you’ll be reminded of where it was from later on.

-Will Drake, your man tryna buy the hotel, is apparently setting up for a fashion show where we see Liz doing the “Vogue” and throwing all sorts of shade at Claudia Bankson, who is played by Naomi Campbell, who like Malik Yoba, was on Empire. This joint is starting to be like The Walking Dead and The Wire. She says she is spending the week at the hotel, so now the countdown is on to her death, and she sees John and gives him those eyes, while he is tryna find Scarlett, who is with a cop. He is tryna take her to his room, but Will and Claudia won’t let him go and pair her off with Lachlan, Will’s son who saw Rapey McDrillbit. While this is going on, Sally is being denied entrance to the show because, I mean, LOOK AT HER, and she makes a scene. But before she leaves, she gives Scarlett a creepy look and John better keep her away from his daughter. Scarlett will have a needle in her arm by age ten. Shoot, she might anyway, but I digress.

-The fashion show is starting and Elizabeth makes a grand entrance with Donovan, and the models start to come out while Donovan inquires about John and Elizabeth kinda fawns over him. Claudia says to John that “they need some excitement and they just might get”, and just then, we get introduced to Tristan, who is played by Finn Wittrock, crushing up some sort of pill of snort. Those were some big-ass pills, b. Anyway, we all know Finn Dogg, who stole the show as Dandy in Freak Show, and he is a fucking MESS. On his little walk, he drinks someone else’s champagne and throws that shit on the ground, sneers at a buncha mufuckas, kisses someone’s woman and then slaps her dude in the face and gets pushed to the ground. He goes to pick up some glass to stab dude with, but he looks at Elizabeth in the eyes and she can smell his rage, while Donovan is like, are you fuckin’ serious? In the back, Will tries to chastise Tristan for his actions, but Tristan cuts his own face to signify the end of his modelling career. So yeah, Finn Dogg back!

-Lachlan is taking Scarlett to where the children are sleeping in their caskets, and she recognizes Holden, who opens his eyes. This might be the most intriguing storyline of Hotel right now. After the commercial break, Scarlett is watching a home video on a laptop to confirm that was her brother.

-Meanwhile, Tristan is raging around the hotel, tryna find some coke, which he can smell in Elizabeth’s room and well, he has a point. Like I said in the Fear The Walking Dead recaps, junkies be knowin’, bruh. Donovan interrupts him and when Tristan starts being an asshole, he almost gets his shit eaten, but Elizabeth stops him. Tristan peaces out, but doesn’t seem to be bothered and gets in the elevator, which takes him to a dark floor where he keeps hearing random shit. He eats someone’s sandwich and realizes there are maggots in the shit and backs into someone’s room, where of course, he starts looking for stuff, coke, pills, anything.

-Here, he meets James March, who is played by Evan Peters, who is the only person besides Sarah Paulson and Lily Rabe (yep, she’ll be in Hotel at some point) to be in all five AHS series. However, I’d wager to say that he was only good in Murder House and he might good in this joint as well. He is a proper old-school wealthy dude who has a hankering for killing people as Miss Evers brings in a tied-up prostitute, and March tries to goad Tristan into shooting her, which he can’t. But March can and does, and when he takes off his scarf, you notice that he has been cut across the throat. Miss Evers complains about the stain. She ain’t never gon’ keep this hotel clean. Anyway, Tristan runs out, but gets caught by Elizabeth in the elevator and you can only imagine what happens next.

-Scarlett is on a city bus, apparently, looking at a picture of she and Holden, and she has gone back to the hotel to find him, but his casket is empty; the other three as well. She finds him eventually and he asks what took her so long, and he says he remembers her after she asks him. She shows pictures of the family and wonders why he hasn’t aged like she has, and she wants to take him home, but he is already home, he says, and yeah, this little mufucka is dead, yo. She tries to take a selfie with him, and Holden gets hungry, so she jumps away and he’s lookin’ at her like, what’d I do? This is how we get down. She leaves to find Sally in the hallway, whose mouth is bloody and her teeth fall out. This entire sequence, but especially the scene with Holden and Scarlett, was by far my favorite of the episode.

-Scarlett goes back home as John has the police looking for her, but she evaded them once again and she isn’t having good luck at being protected by them at all. She tells John and Alex about Holden being at the hotel and John freaks out, and she tries to show them the picture, but Holden is a blur because he’s a damn vampire. But you can surely make out that it is something.

-Speaking of vampires, Tristan is getting the vampire rules from Elizabeth, while poppin’ that thang from the back as the old Roman poets used to say, and here they are: they can’t age, don’t drink diseased blood, don’t get caught and don’t fall in love. We learn that she was born in 1904 and that she loved the 70s, where I assume she picked up the coke habit, but can we just revel in the fact that she rode into the club on a mufuckin’ horse? That might be the illest entrance you could make. Mufuckas holdin’ her Rapunzel-ass hair, too. I ain’t even mad at the fact that she was eatin’ a mufucka like, two seconds later. Hatin’-ass Donovan comes in to express his disappointment, but barely gets it out before Elizabeth tells him to pack his shit and go because there is a new sheriff in town. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! He was tryna make her feel guilty, too. That shit ain’t work at all.

-John rolls up on Iris angrily and slaps handcuffs on her as an accessory to murder, and he’s mad because she “let” Scarlett roam around the hotel, but yo, why don’t you watch your child and not let her on city buses? Don’t blame Iris for you being a fuckass parent, dogg. Anyway, Iris is fed up with the whole thing and is like, I’ll tell you everything. She tells him the story of James March, who was one of the new rich, but needed somewhere to do his dirt, so he built this hotel. She says he was killing people at a rate of three a week at times, and that there is no escape from the place, which should make sense to John as he basically ran in circles tryna find Holden. Miss Evers was his faithful servant, right up until the time they met their death as the cops found bodies with his monogrammed handkerchief beside it. Miss Evers was about to kill herself, but she would be honored if she were March’s last kill, so he shot her and slit his own throat, which explains the wound on his neck. Of course, John doesn’t believe her, but then Iris tells him that his office was Room 64, which explains so much about the fuckery that goes on in this place. But he has to be skeptical at first to push the plot along and really, I believe that he doesn’t believe her, after everything that has happened to him, because he’s fucking stupid.

-Malik Yoba tells John that the blood on the Oscar belongs to the man in the pictures in the premiere, who got, ummmmm, well, as we discussed as we watched it, homeboy got “butt-effed by an Oscar”. We laughed for a good few minutes over that. Like, probably longer than we should have. I’m laughing about it right now. Anyway, John puts together that this new killer is murdering people based on the Ten Commandments, and March wasn’t a fan of religion, so this person is continuing March’s work. Malik Yoba clues in that John is staying in March’s old hotel. The cops on this show are buffoons, bruh.

-Tristan is on Grindr, which I didn’t know was a thing until this episode, and he lures a victim to the hotel, where they start making out and Elizabeth enters. The dude is like, I’m not really down for this, but it doesn’t matter because Tristan stabs him in the neck before he and Elizabeth have sex on the corpse. Good for them. Fuck him, his man bun, his beard and his suspenders. I bet he was wearing shoes with no socks, too. He deserved it.

I wasn’t quite sure what I thought of this episode, mainly because the Blue Jays game was on that day and I might have had a few drinks. But after watching it again, it was typically good stuff from AHS. The introductions of Tristan and March were extremely well done, if not bloodier than a mufucka, and that scene with Scarlett and Holden was chilling. I was like, nah, they won’t kill a child in this show, then I remembered that they killed a baby and framed Pepper for it on Freak Show, which sent her to Asylum, so that is now on the table. Donovan is mad, so he’s about to try something stupid, and Naomi Campbell gotta die as well (I also felt that way about her Empire character). Still waiting on Ms. Bassett, too. And of course, the next time we see Rapey McDrillbit, the shit won’t be a dream sequence. Just another episode in the life of American Horror Story.


American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E13 – Curtain Call

I’ve written ad nauseam about my disappointment with the finales of the American Horror Story series, so when it came time to watch “Curtain Call”, the finale for Freak Show, I expected the worst, but hoped for the best. That seemed to work, because in my opinion, we got, by far, the best AHS finale yet. Let’s go……….

-The freaks are preparing for the Dandy Show to kick off and while none of them are high on working with him, he has money and people gotta eat. But Dandy is pissed that no one is buying tickets to the show, and well, let’s just say he doesn’t take advice too well. Paul tries to tell him that this happens in the beginning, and gets called a stupid freak; Eve tries to say they’re only giving advice and gets called an ugly cow. Dandy says they’re boring and mediocre, and threatens to put horns on Penny, but Paul gets on his chivalry tip, which Dandy obviously isn’t having and pushes him. Eve says, enough of this, and punches him in the face before the freaks tell him that they’re quitting. Paul also spits in his pretentious face and they walk off. Nothing good is gon’ come outta this. Dandy doesn’t exactly take to being told “no”.

-Elsa is in Hollywood and she walks into the WBN offices, tryna get an appointment with the head of the network, but the secretary kinda shrugs her off and tells her to have a seat. She smokes cigarette after cigarette after cigarette before the secretary gets ready to leave for the day, so it’s obvious that Elsa has been given the run-around for the third day in a row. You gotta feel a little bad for Elsa, who feels foolish because her appointment apparently went out the back to avoid her, and she learns quickly that this is Hollywood, and mufuckas don’t care about your feelings. Then the secretary says that Marlene Dietrich did Elsa’s act better, to which Elsa was like, oh hell naw, and slaps fire out ol’ girl’s face. The security guard grabs her before a man comes out and breaks everything up, and Elsa is lying on the ground, crying and looking as pathetic as we’ve seen her all series. But we learn that the man that broke everything up is Michael Beck, the junior VP of casting at the network, and his real last name is Beckenbauer, so they have that German connection. He jokes that he had to change to avoid being labelled a communist, not being a Nazi. It looks like she has an in.

-Dandy is putting make-up on his face, and you just know shit is about to get crazy because he has that good and insane look in his eyes. He starts walking through the freak show, humming a tune, and when he closes his eyes to get in that zone, you know it’s about to be some shit. Paul walks up and says something about back pay, and gets a bullet in the head for his trouble, but I mean, he spat in his face, so that had to happen. Penny hears the shot and I’ve no idea how she was planning to hide behind a sheet because it’s not like Dandy can’t see her behind a white sheet, and she gets shot in the head as well. Toulouse (the midget that was feeling up on the twins a few weeks ago) gets on, as well as little legless Suzi, and he chased her all around the tent, what an asshole. He did stub his toe while chasing her, though, that was pretty good.

-Desiree hears all this and knows what’s up as Dandy shoots a couple more random freaks. Eve hears the shots and runs out to Paul, who is long past dead and shoutout to the makeup people on AHS as that bullet hole in the back of his head looks damn real. Eve grabs a hatchet while Ima (the big girl) tries to hide, but that obviously doesn’t work. Dandy finds Desiree’s trailer and searches it, but she hides in a closet and does everything in her power not to make a sound. Dandy then gets tackled by Eve and the two fight, and she is kickin’ his ass all over the place, but Dandy gets free, shoots her in the leg and then the head. He continues the search for Desiree, but eventually gives up and returns to a tent where the twins are tied to a post. In my head, I’m saying to myself that I’ll stop watching this shit if he kills the twins, shit, even one of them, but instead, he asks them to join him. That is probably worse for them.

-I do like Dandy’s fancy golden revolver, but they didn’t even try to show him reloading that shit while going on his rampage. God love American Horror Story, a show that gives almost as few fucks as The Walking Dead when it comes to the little things.

-Jimmy’s fuck ass returns to the show to see what’s up after getting his wooden claws, and we’re not gon’ talk about how the cops apparently aren’t looking for him anymore after the truck he was in was jumped by Dell and Eve, and there were cops killed; that’s old shit. He calls for Elsa, but she’s long gone. Then he is slowly realizing, because that’s how Jimmy does things, that something is amiss. He walks into the big top, and it’s just a trail of dead bodies all the way up to the stage. Jimmy closes Eve’s eyes and I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to feel bad for him, but between the wooden claws and well, Jimmy, we all start laughing. Desiree puts her hand on his shoulder and Jimmy gets freaked out before he realizes it’s her, and she starts sobbing to end the most bloody and intense 20 minutes of the season.

-We return after commercial to the wedding of the twins (well, Bette) to Dandy, which takes place in his play/bed/killing room, and they’re joined by a kid playing the flute, homegirl on the harp and a fake-ass horse, along with some other stuffed animals. Dot tells them that she’ll just leave her body while they’re consummating the marriage, but Dandy basically tells that she’ll be joining them and threatening her if she disrespects his manhood, whatever the hell that means. They’re having a toast during dinner, and Dandy starts talking excitedly about the future, but the way it’s shot, it looks like everything around Dandy is moving, and Bette is talking him up, but Dot has this “mufucka you need to die” look on her face, so the wheels start turning. He drops the glass on the floor and we’re like, “AW SHIT THEY DRUGGED HIS ASS” as his vision gets blurry, and the maid that the twins hired is Desiree, who shows off the triple breasts one final time so he’ll recognize her. He goes to attack her, but Bette shoots Dandy with a tear in her eye and his Goldeneye gun, and all he says afterwards is, “THAT’S MINE”, referring to the gun because Dandy sees everything as his….EVERYTHING. Desiree calls for the butler and we all know Jimmy is coming out, which he does as we learn the twins snuck him earlier. They tell Dandy that he is finally gon’ be the star of the show as he passes out.

-They showed a few commercials for that A Most Violent Year movie, which I didn’t even know was a thing until last week. I’m intrigued, might gotta watch that.

-Dandy wakes up in a tank, so you know this won’t end well for him. He is in the Houdini escape tank, and he still thinks he can order people around because he’s delusional. Desiree just wants to cut his balls off, but Jimmy says they’re showmen, so it has to be theatrical. He says all the killing was what God wanted him to do, and he was just fulfilling his purpose, and even better, he forgives the twins for setting him up like this. Goddamn, Dandy Mott just might be the greatest character in AHS history, no less than top three. Bette tells Dandy that she hates him as he killed all her friends, and Desiree gives a speech about how he is a bigger freak than all of them as they turn on the water. He tries to bribe them with money, then says some shit about being immortal, but Jimmy replies with some speech about freaks inheriting the earth and I don’t care about anything he says anyway. The twins, Jimmy and Desiree sit around with some popcorn as Dandy eventually drowns, while we eat popcorn and watch them on some AHS/Inception shit.

-That Jennifer Lopez movie, The Boy Next Door, dammit that looks terrible, b.

-We go to Hollywood in 1960 and we learn that Elsa has become a star in both TV and music, and she is getting a start on the Walk of Fame, and she married Michael Beck eventually. But of course, she ends up being an asshole and shits all over the product of a coffee commercial she is filming, saying “shite” three times and the coffee tastes like piss. Michael and a network executive try to talk her into doing a promotional spread on Halloween, but freaks don’t work on Halloween, word to Edward Mordrake…..so the wheels get to turning again. Then Elsa calls Michael a pussy for some reason, and again says that she doesn’t work on Halloween. We learn that Elsa regrets marrying Michael and has returned to her dominatrix roots with him, and she is going home for another engagement.

-That engagement is Axeman Massimo, who flashes back to a time when Elsa was learning to walk with her new legs. Elsa hates her new life as she is surrounded by yes men, her and Michael cheat on each other constantly, and she feels cursed. She goes back to the birthday cake that Ethel made her in 1952, when she wished to be loved, and now she wants to run away with Massimo, but he has lung cancer and is due to die in a month. Jessica Lange and Danny Huston be actin’, bruh. Everything that they’ve done from Coven to Freak Show, there is never a wasted second.

-Elsa is hammered as Michael and the head of the network (who looks startlingly like John McCain) show up to tell her that the snuff film has popped up, and Michael is pissed because Elsa lied about how she lost her legs, so he says he’s packing his things. An article is coming out about the snuff film, and not only that, a private investigator has connected Elsa to the freak show in Jupiter, where everyone is dead. Basically, her entire past has violated a morality clause in her contract, so Elsa is getting the boot. She says fuck it all, and she’ll work on Halloween because she knows what’s gon’ happen.

-Elsa steps out to do her final performance, which is “Heroes” by David Bowie, so we can assume that Ryan Murphy loves some Bowie. She is doing her thing, and we see Desiree walking by a TV on the street, and she is now married to whatever the hell Theo Huxtable’s name is, with children. Jimmy is watching it at home….with the twins, who are pregnant and all I’m wondering is, does she feed him? I mean, he has wooden claws for hands. Then Mordrake and his crew show up, along with Twisty The Clown, who looks really weird with a full mouth. Elsa stops singing and everyone in real life is looking around like, uh, what’s wrong with her, while Elsa and Mordrake hammer out the details of her death as she brought him here under a suicide mission. So he does kill her (although it looks to everyone else like she just had a heart attack), but Mordrake says she doesn’t belong with his crew.

-Instead, Elsa ends up with her freaks, including Ethel, which means we get one last chance to hear Kathy Bates’ terrible Baltimore accent, and she says the freak show always have a full house in the afterlife, so apparently, Elsa ends up winning.

And that, my friends, wraps up Freak Show, which I’m not going to put above Coven yet, but it’s coming. That was easily the best and most coherent of all the AHS finales, and the only thing that bothers me is that Elsa kinda wins, but she was still miserable enough that she wasn’t happy, so that’s okay. We all thought that she would survive and end up reuniting with Pepper in the asylum, which isn’t completely off the table just yet, depending on what they plan for Season 5 (and if Lange decides to come back). That they managed to pull everything back together throughout this deliberate mess of a season was pretty incredible, especially after watching them foul it up for three season (definitely the last two, I’ll give Murder House a pass, though).

Sure, there were some strange times here and there, but overall, Freak Show was a fun hour of TV every week because you never knew what was coming, and you knew you were getting top-tier acting from 95% of the cast (we all know who I’m talkin’ about). Shoutout to Finn Wittrock for coming out of nowhere and dominating the season, with honorable mentions to Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, and Ms. Lange for the final three episodes; like a true veteran, she stepped up and carried this shit in the fourth quarter. Word to Neil Patrick Harris and Malcolm Jamal-Warner for coming through and doing their thing in their cameos as well. If you’re looking to start someone out on American Horror Story, give them Freak Show, and go from there.

Super special shout to the AHS crew, Jody, Lindsay and Mel, as I told y’all, the show was only eclipsed by the company. Can’t wait for the next one!